From Dysthymia to a full-blown all out depression - resources needed

May 1, 2023 5:21 AM

IKYNMD, my supposed doctor is actually unavailable as this is being written. I thought I'd go back on Wellbutrin, after not taking anything for over 20 years, but here I am. My best friend passed away a month ago and that sent me basically spiraling. The whole nine yards, isolating and zoning out, numb, sad and sadder. I go through the motions, clean house, wash dishes, self-care, pray - have it all down, but this thing isn't budging. We were that close. So now am considering taking medication but before I get on that train, would like to start getting a bit deeper into the experience and maybe try to shift this getting different perspectives, namely from books. I can't with the podcasts or videos. Time for the wise ones to lend their viewpoints on this from every aspect possible, more points for the spiritual, esoteric, physiological and nootropical.

I've been down so many roads already, there's nothing I haven't heard of, but I'm open to anything that offers H.O.P.E. - all capitals and periods. Books on how to live from moment to moment, how to see the light when someone is on the bridge between life and death, how to choose life, how to start the day, continue onwards for the next 24 hours, in detail, what to do, where to do it, how many, why and be the voice of a kindly fairy godmother. Or father. But kindly. I like science of the mind stuff, things that don't insult my intelligence and for pity's sake, nothing xtian. Universality and general spirituality is fine though. Also nothing Hindu or Yoga-inspired. Thanks.

If there are any movies that can lift someone's spirits, that don't entail animations or overt violence, sexuality or profanity, that would be appreciated. Everything is a affront to my senses right now. The main message is hope. If you know of resources that are from an older era - 60's and backwards - that's even greater. For some reason, there was hippy wisdom that stuck with me but can't find anything now to calm the storm. Also plant medicine - that's good for my soul.

So, thank you Metafilter once again for assisting. I am grateful for anything you can offer. Cheers.

posted by watercarrier to Grab Bag (11 answers total)

I think the major book like this of 60s hippy wisdom is Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather, I know several people who have found it helpful and solace-giving.
I am sorry for your loss.
posted by lesser whistling duck at 5:30 AM on May 1, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'm so sorry.

I'm a fan of When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron. She's a Buddhist nun but her writings are aimed at a secular audience. The basic jist is that, in life, things fall apart - then they fall together again - then they fall apart - and so on. And that this is the inevitable way of things as a human.

It's not hope in the sense of "Don't worry, it'll all be totally fine, forever!" but in the more realistic sense of "This will pass, and you will feel joy again. Even that won't last forever, and something bad might happen to you again in the future, but that'll pass too. And in the meantime, here are some thoughts on how to survive the bad bits."

Wildcard suggestion for a movie that can distract and offer hope - Under the Tuscan Sun. Newly-divorced woman buys a tumbledown Tuscan villa, slowly renovates it, and life emerges into an unexpectedly sunlit upland. Cheesy as hell but gentle and lovely and a pleasing distraction for an hour or two - and is definitely full of hope.
posted by penguin pie at 5:31 AM on May 1, 2023 [7 favorites]

TV can really lift the spirits. I really liked Community, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, and Jane the Virgin.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:41 AM on May 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'm not saying that you shouldn't look for resources to help you heal, but I do want to tell you to go easy on yourself. It's only been a month! You lost someone really important to you! I can't imagine I would be anywhere near "normal" just a month after my BFF died. My MIL died just over a year ago and we're all starting to MAYBE feel normal again, with pockets of sadness here and there.

And everyone grieves at their own pace. If you're getting chores done and generally taking care of yourself (showering, eating at least a little, sleeping), I don't think you need to worry.
posted by cooker girl at 6:10 AM on May 1, 2023 [11 favorites]

I'm so sorry you've lost your best friend. It sounds like this person was hugely important to you, and so I just wanted to say that sadness and grief on the heels of such a major loss is normal and appropriate and a sign that you are a human being who feels and loves. Not that you shouldn't find ways to feel better, but just wanted to acknowledge that your grief and sadness so soon after this loss aren't inappropriate. Maybe reminding yourself of that will help. But hopefully others will have concrete suggestions for ways to feel better. Seconding Pema Chodron as a wise and comforting companion. Wishing you all the best.
posted by gigondas at 6:13 AM on May 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

Go on long walks through the countryside - this will give your body exercise, and your mind time to process the loss you've experienced. It's a very mindful, meditative activity. I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by wandering zinnia at 9:11 AM on May 1, 2023 [1 favorite]

The Good Place on Netflix. Funny and uplifting.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:59 AM on May 1, 2023 [4 favorites]

i have to second under the tuscan sun. it's one of the few "feel good" movies that actually made me feel good when watching it.

i had a major loss in early january. i am just now barely able not to think about it multiple times every day. time does make it easier. if you have a non-judgemental person you can share memories with and who won't be weird when you burst into tears, that can really help.

the most important thing i am trying to learn is that my grief is not wrong. your grief is not wrong. i also really like the idea (can't remember where from anymore) that grief is just love with nowhere to go and the immensity of your grief shows the immensity of your love, and that much love is always a good thing, even if it's gone.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:35 PM on May 1, 2023 [5 favorites]

Katherine May, in her conversation with Krista Tippett, describes the idea of wintering, the namesake of her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times: "Wintering is a metaphor for those phases in our life when we feel frozen out or unable to make the next step, and that that can come at any time, in any season, in any weather, that it has nothing to do with the physical cold." I found the book helpful and hopeful; maybe you will too. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, watercarrier.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:40 PM on May 1, 2023 [2 favorites]

Please, watercarrier, go easy on yourself. As others have pointed out, if you are "maintaining", taking care of chores and keeping yourself clean, you are doing well. Getting over such a major loss takes time, and the "timetable" is different for everyone. Great grief is a price for having great love. Just keep putting one foot ahead of the other. I thought of our son looking at us from "the far side banks of Jordan," an image that helped me through the early days and months. (You can use your own image and place.) Remember that this person wants the best for you and does not want you to remain overburdened in your grief.

This from a Simon and Garfunkel 1960s song: "If I never loved, I never would have cried."

This, from "Universality and general spirituality": As your grief subsides a bit with the passage of time---and trust that it will---bit by bit, you will realize that those we have loved never leave us. In the deepest levels of our being, they remain.
posted by ragtimepiano at 5:54 PM on May 1, 2023 [2 favorites]

I am so sorry that you have suffered this heartbreaking loss. When I lost a friend dear to me a few years back and contacted a former therapist, they told me that I was not depressed. I was grieving, which was different and also normal. They told me to get back to them in several months if I still felt so deeply bereft. In my case, it took about six months before I felt better. Not great but no longer mistaking my grief for depression. Surely grief can lead to depression but that is not how it played out for me, ultimately. If you have Apple TV, I highly recommend Ted Lasso, where bad things sometimes happen but hope, ultimately, is the recurring theme. Hope and redemption.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:38 AM on May 3, 2023 [1 favorite]