No light at the end?

December 11, 2012 8:47 PM

Have you ever not only been unable to see the light and the end of the tunnel, and don't care anymore if you do?

I have been through incredibly difficult times in my life, but always have seen a way out of it. My mom died in July and I feel like there is nobody left who loves me unconditionally, and I don't understand the purpose of being here without that love. I have lost interest in everything, I can't even get the dishes done. I feel like I don't even care if it gets better, because she's not here.

Is this normal for grieving?

posted by thelastgirl to grab bag (20 answers total)

i am so sorry for your loss. i felt that way (especially the not caring anymore if i didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel) when i was suffering from depression. it sounds like you might be facing the same thing, which is absolutely understandable given your circumstances. please see a doctor for help.
posted by gursky at 8:52 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is this normal for grieving?

No. That's depression, and you should see a doctor about it.
posted by mhoye at 8:57 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

My dad died a year ago. It was a profound personal loss as well as a deep existential blow but what you are describing seems like more than that. It sounds like pretty serious depression, and I agree that you should talk to a professional about it.
posted by nanojath at 9:00 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I feel like there is nobody left who loves me unconditionally

You need to be that person, and you will be, but it sounds like you need medical help with lifting yourself out of this depression before you can work on that feeling.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:02 PM on December 11, 2012 [6 favorites]

This is, indeed, severe depression, likely triggered by overwhelming grief. You need medical help for this, and there's nothing to be ashamed or scared of. Report to your doctor immediately.

My mom died when I was just 23 after years of illness, and it messed me up real, real bad. I feel terrible for you, and I know what you're going through. Please don't try to go through it alone.
posted by ronofthedead at 9:16 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

make your thoughts, your daily life, your hopes, make them a tribute to her unconditional love. think about how happy and free she wants you to be right now. make every minute of the day another excuse to feel grateful about what an excellent Mom you were given.
posted by facetious at 9:19 PM on December 11, 2012

Nthing depression. This happened to me after my Dad died. The treatment that worked for ME was a very small dose of anti-depressants. Therapy may work for you or maybe a combination of both. Do see a doctor. It doesn't have to be this way and will get better.

(((Hugs)))
posted by michellenoel at 9:24 PM on December 11, 2012

Incidentally, I realize talk and platitudes are not really going to make these feelings much better at the moment, but please try to envision a time, after you've gotten help from a doctor, when you can think through this: your mother's gifts to you included proving to you that you are lovable no matter what and making her thoughts available so you can eventually come back to them and see yourself again as she did. That's precious stuff, and you still have it, even though you're down a well right now.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:29 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm so sorry, thelastgirl. I want to reach through the internet and hug you.

I don't know about 'normal', but if you're asking whether this feeling is going to ease without some other intervention, I'm thinking 'no'. Hon, you don't need to go on feeling like this indefinitely. Go to your doctor, be brutally candid, and get help.

Do it for your mom. She would want to see you looking after yourself.
posted by Salamander at 9:30 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yup. Here is a {hug}.
posted by jet_silver at 9:36 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

My mom died last year and I had and still have many of the same feelings as you. I felt so alone, that nothing was worth accomplishing because she wasn't here to see it.

I would say yes, those feelings are part of grief. Five months is about when then pain started to really hit me. It's been a year now and I can say that you will not always feel this way.

My grief did evolve into clinical depression and I am now on Prozac which has helped and I have been seeing a grief counselor.

The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. See a therapist, talk to friends and other family, write about your feelings and maintain exercise.
posted by thank you silence at 9:39 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

(If we need "grief cred", I lost my mom in 2005 and my dad in 2007.) I think when you get to the point you can't be consoled, when you have no energy, when you can't even imagine having hope, when you don't care about hope - you're at a place where you need to be treated, no matter what you call what you're enduring. Grief is painful, but with help you can grow through and around it, and go on with life. If your mom was at all like 99% of moms, that's what she would want for you. Please, do what you have to in order to summon the energy, and get yourself some help.
posted by gingerest at 10:07 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sorry you lost your mother. Pessimism and apathy are what depression does to you when it takes hold of your thinking. It's a double whammy. Please trust that people have been in your shoes and gotten through it, and please trust that there are people who want to help you and can help guide you through this.
posted by alphanerd at 10:08 PM on December 11, 2012

My husband of 7 months died in June, so I know a little about what you are going through.

I am very, very sorry for your loss.

Be assured that depression is a very real stage of grief (maybe it would help to Wikipedia 'The 5 Stages of Grief'?) and there is no right or wrong way to feel. What you are experiencing is beyond your control to a degree and I have found a lot of comfort in just accepting that's the way it is. You can acknowledge your feelings and accept that there isn't much to do about them except ride it out.

One of the healthiest ways to do that is to talk to someone. I agree with others here that it really does sound like a depression you have little control over and so seeking some help is likely to be the catalyst in turning things around. Also finding some support from people who have lost loved ones could help. Is there a support group in your area?

I have found my family to be the least supportive group around me, especially as the feelings for me come and go, so one day I am ok and then the next I'm teary and want to be alone and they cannot seem to understand that.

The main piece of advice I have is know that you are not alone, and no two grieving people feel the same way. It will pass, eventually, but for the sake of your own sanity, please do find some way of getting help and stop judging yourself. Be kind to yourself!
posted by Youremyworld at 10:23 PM on December 11, 2012

They say that most people feel grief for a few months, but that some people get stuck in what's called complicated grief, i.e. bitterness, numbness, depression, preoccupation, etc, and if this is happening to you a doctor or therapist can help.
posted by feets at 12:29 AM on December 12, 2012

You lost your mom 6 months ago and it's your first holiday season without her. Yeah, get some help, but this doesn't sound like an unusual level or length of grieving to me. Things will get better.
posted by spitbull at 3:42 AM on December 12, 2012

Is this normal for grieving?

Yes, this is normal grief.

"Normal grief" still means you should get help, from people who can help you, as much as you're able. July is basically yesterday. Grief counseling is necessary at this stage to help you through it, wherever you can get that.
posted by kellybird at 5:36 AM on December 12, 2012

I have lost interest in everything, I can't even get the dishes done. I feel like I don't even care if it gets better, because she's not here.

According to your previous questions, you are married. So, what is your husband doing to support you through all of this?
posted by TinWhistle at 6:33 AM on December 12, 2012

Depression is a real thing and PLEASE consider getting help. Please go see a good psychiatrist. Going to see one changed my life.
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 8:22 AM on December 12, 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're going through is called complicated grief, and therapy and medication can help. There may be a bereavement support group in your area also. I would suggest going to one if you can. Good luck, I know it is rough.
posted by xenophile at 9:22 AM on December 12, 2012