Ok what's the catch?
April 30, 2023 8:00 AM Subscribe
How do you deal with pretty intense cherophobia - the sense that feeling happy about something is dangerous because it means bad things will come? Especially when that has been proven true constantly?
I'm the living embodiment of "if you want to make God laugh then all you have to do is tell Him your plans". I don't do gratitude journals or plan too far ahead for anything because inevitably something way out of my control happens to throw it all asunder.
Take the last few years. Finally got to go on my bucket list performing tour: got detained for the first time in my life on the way there, tour cut in half due to lockdown, had to scramble to get home only to have to quarantine for two weeks and have multiple mental breakdowns. Get a place of my own (a process which in itself was full of pain), have ideas for how to redecorate, friends down to help: another set of lockdowns takes all of that away.
Last year was probably one of the worst for that. I had a ton of things happening back to back in April, some of which got rescheduled from earlier due to lockdown. Then I got hit really hard with my first bout of Covid literally the day before one of those things and I ended up having to drop almost all of the things I was looking forward to - jobs, travel opportunities, arts projects, businesses. Three months later, finally recovered enough to start looking forward to things again: LITERALLY THE NEXT DAY right after my first job interview in yonks my dad calls me to tell me he has cancer - then a few days later I get hit with Covid #2. Another three months or so of both recovery and dealing with this major family emergency, I finally feel up to doing my first performance since honestly that 2020 tour that got cut short: I catch Covid at that damn show. (Mid Artists Way even, which made me extra mad at Julia Cameron). About the only good thing that happened last year was getting Australian citizenship and even THAT threw a lot of spanners into other plans.
I was determined to have 2023 be better. I squirm at anything """manifestation""" but "lucky girl syndrome" was all over my socials and I figured, eh why not give it a shot. And things were actually working out!! I got my first stable, living wage job in probably EVER (a decade-plus long struggle) and just signed a contract for another gig that was a stepping stone to a major career goal, one specially crafted for me to get that experience. I finally have a steady group of volunteers and a co-leader for a youth group I am a leader for, after the fallout of me having to step back in 2022 and how that affected the other volunteers. Dad's done with chemo and is doing ok. I've even started dance class again! I was feeling positive about life for the first time in ages.
Then a few days ago I got informed that I was exposed to Covid at that youth group, and now I'm sick - RATs have been negative for days but it feels very similar to my previous bouts of Covid and where I am it's not that easy to get any treatment for Covid. And all the pain and dread I felt last year and before, of how every time I feel good about life or have a lot of positives it gets taken away from me because some major bullshit happens, all comes rushing back.
I know it's irrational to think the Universe has it out for me specifically, but damn it feels like that a lot! I've tried talking about this to my therapist but I don't think she gets it. It's made me jealous of and utterly uncomprehending of the people I know that have faith and hope: trying to have faith or hope in anything feels like talking to a brick wall. I know thinking like this isn't healthy or productive, but I struggle to see anything else when this just. keeps. happening. (Since childhood, even)
Is there any way out of this, or should I just accept that this is my lot in life, that every bit of happiness I have is conditional and will be taken away by something with long term dreadful consequences? Is hope futile? Can things just work out without feeling like I'm wishing on monkey paws all the time? What do I do?
I'm the living embodiment of "if you want to make God laugh then all you have to do is tell Him your plans". I don't do gratitude journals or plan too far ahead for anything because inevitably something way out of my control happens to throw it all asunder.
Take the last few years. Finally got to go on my bucket list performing tour: got detained for the first time in my life on the way there, tour cut in half due to lockdown, had to scramble to get home only to have to quarantine for two weeks and have multiple mental breakdowns. Get a place of my own (a process which in itself was full of pain), have ideas for how to redecorate, friends down to help: another set of lockdowns takes all of that away.
Last year was probably one of the worst for that. I had a ton of things happening back to back in April, some of which got rescheduled from earlier due to lockdown. Then I got hit really hard with my first bout of Covid literally the day before one of those things and I ended up having to drop almost all of the things I was looking forward to - jobs, travel opportunities, arts projects, businesses. Three months later, finally recovered enough to start looking forward to things again: LITERALLY THE NEXT DAY right after my first job interview in yonks my dad calls me to tell me he has cancer - then a few days later I get hit with Covid #2. Another three months or so of both recovery and dealing with this major family emergency, I finally feel up to doing my first performance since honestly that 2020 tour that got cut short: I catch Covid at that damn show. (Mid Artists Way even, which made me extra mad at Julia Cameron). About the only good thing that happened last year was getting Australian citizenship and even THAT threw a lot of spanners into other plans.
I was determined to have 2023 be better. I squirm at anything """manifestation""" but "lucky girl syndrome" was all over my socials and I figured, eh why not give it a shot. And things were actually working out!! I got my first stable, living wage job in probably EVER (a decade-plus long struggle) and just signed a contract for another gig that was a stepping stone to a major career goal, one specially crafted for me to get that experience. I finally have a steady group of volunteers and a co-leader for a youth group I am a leader for, after the fallout of me having to step back in 2022 and how that affected the other volunteers. Dad's done with chemo and is doing ok. I've even started dance class again! I was feeling positive about life for the first time in ages.
Then a few days ago I got informed that I was exposed to Covid at that youth group, and now I'm sick - RATs have been negative for days but it feels very similar to my previous bouts of Covid and where I am it's not that easy to get any treatment for Covid. And all the pain and dread I felt last year and before, of how every time I feel good about life or have a lot of positives it gets taken away from me because some major bullshit happens, all comes rushing back.
I know it's irrational to think the Universe has it out for me specifically, but damn it feels like that a lot! I've tried talking about this to my therapist but I don't think she gets it. It's made me jealous of and utterly uncomprehending of the people I know that have faith and hope: trying to have faith or hope in anything feels like talking to a brick wall. I know thinking like this isn't healthy or productive, but I struggle to see anything else when this just. keeps. happening. (Since childhood, even)
Is there any way out of this, or should I just accept that this is my lot in life, that every bit of happiness I have is conditional and will be taken away by something with long term dreadful consequences? Is hope futile? Can things just work out without feeling like I'm wishing on monkey paws all the time? What do I do?
This is how I feel when I'm clinically depressed, for the record, which is a word that I don't see in your post. The inability to envision a positive future - regardless of my current circumstances - is definitely a symptom of depression.
posted by sagc at 8:14 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by sagc at 8:14 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I don't have advice but I do know that you're correct in noticing that some people just have miserable luck sometimes, and when it hits, it tends to compound. I see it in certain friends who just cannot catch a break, and I've been the one a few times too.
One of the HUGE dividing lines is income- problems snowball way less if you can just throw some money at them to solve them quickly.
For me, I raised my income by finding a steady but flexible part time remote job that allows me to still freelance. The level of resilience that salary has given me has been absolutely life-changing. So my best advice is to maximize your earning capacity by making sure the job (congrats!) goes well, so you can start to cushion yourself with some savings and keep ladder-climbing to raise your income bracket forever (apparently people who job hop every couple years tend to make more than people who are loyal to one job, because you can get a higher starting salary at each new place). I wish you good luck and hope you feel better soon.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:21 AM on April 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
One of the HUGE dividing lines is income- problems snowball way less if you can just throw some money at them to solve them quickly.
For me, I raised my income by finding a steady but flexible part time remote job that allows me to still freelance. The level of resilience that salary has given me has been absolutely life-changing. So my best advice is to maximize your earning capacity by making sure the job (congrats!) goes well, so you can start to cushion yourself with some savings and keep ladder-climbing to raise your income bracket forever (apparently people who job hop every couple years tend to make more than people who are loyal to one job, because you can get a higher starting salary at each new place). I wish you good luck and hope you feel better soon.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:21 AM on April 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: sagc: I have been on mental health treatment (inc depression) for about half my life. I'm very well aware of what depression is, though having this be a recurring factor in my life doesn't exactly help the depression any.
posted by creatrixtiara at 8:24 AM on April 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by creatrixtiara at 8:24 AM on April 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
The one thing I would say is that since you've proven to be very sensitive to picking up COVID, maybe take some precautions (if you aren't already), including masking in public when possible . I know it's not the way most people are behaving right not, but it is one small action you yourself can take to push against the forces that be.
posted by sardonyx at 8:28 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by sardonyx at 8:28 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
"lucky girl syndrome" was all over my socials
Is the issue maybe that you're comparing yourself to an unrealistic standard? Because nothing in your post screams "super unlucky" to me. I mean, many people I know had their lives totally upended due to COVID, and that was true of 100% of the people I know in the performing arts. And once you get to a certain age, dealing with a parent having a serious health problem is unfortunately par for the course (I'm in my late 30s, and I can't count on one or even two hands the number of friends who have had a parent get cancer).
Bad luck doesn't necessarily portend more future bad luck, just as good luck doesn't guarantee only good things are going to happen to you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't allow yourself to enjoy the good things that do come your way. I know it's a cliche, but the whole "you can't control a lot of what happens to you, but you can control how you respond" is true - and it's even true for those with "lucky girl syndrome."
posted by coffeecat at 8:28 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Is the issue maybe that you're comparing yourself to an unrealistic standard? Because nothing in your post screams "super unlucky" to me. I mean, many people I know had their lives totally upended due to COVID, and that was true of 100% of the people I know in the performing arts. And once you get to a certain age, dealing with a parent having a serious health problem is unfortunately par for the course (I'm in my late 30s, and I can't count on one or even two hands the number of friends who have had a parent get cancer).
Bad luck doesn't necessarily portend more future bad luck, just as good luck doesn't guarantee only good things are going to happen to you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't allow yourself to enjoy the good things that do come your way. I know it's a cliche, but the whole "you can't control a lot of what happens to you, but you can control how you respond" is true - and it's even true for those with "lucky girl syndrome."
posted by coffeecat at 8:28 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
First - in what you wrote, it sounds like there IS al lot of huge, positive movement upward! Congratulations!
I also suffer from this, too. I call it my "cat on a toilet seat" feeling about life -- imagine a cat landing on a toilet seat, body suspended over the bowl, each leg splayed out on a different corner of the seat, needing to move one leg, but terrified that it will plunge into the bowl if it moves. For me - when I am ill or dealing with multiple things at once, this feeling intensifies.
My counselor reflected back to me that I HAVE made significant, incremental progress, and has encouraged me to look at it more like the graphs you see about climate change (I know, sucky analogy, I apologize) -- peaks and troughs, but the overall trend is a steady upward progression.
What I read in your words is what I have come to see in my life -- that every new set of opportunities opens up challenges and sometimes obstacles that would not have been there in the first place, if not for the new doors being opened, by me, due to my dedicated and focused efforts. And the new obstacles are part of the process of change; kind of like moving house and discovering that there is extra cleaning that needs to be done, or you need to buy extra storage, or the internet provider forgot to transfer your service. Each new step creates initial, predictable disorder, and anticipating having to manage that disorder - and encoding it as "predictable disorder" as opposed to "targeted kick in teeth" - has helped me a lot. I am still not 100% cured of the cat on a toilet seat feelings, but I'm getting better.
I'll keep an eye on this post to hear other suggestions, too.
posted by Silvery Fish at 8:30 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I also suffer from this, too. I call it my "cat on a toilet seat" feeling about life -- imagine a cat landing on a toilet seat, body suspended over the bowl, each leg splayed out on a different corner of the seat, needing to move one leg, but terrified that it will plunge into the bowl if it moves. For me - when I am ill or dealing with multiple things at once, this feeling intensifies.
My counselor reflected back to me that I HAVE made significant, incremental progress, and has encouraged me to look at it more like the graphs you see about climate change (I know, sucky analogy, I apologize) -- peaks and troughs, but the overall trend is a steady upward progression.
What I read in your words is what I have come to see in my life -- that every new set of opportunities opens up challenges and sometimes obstacles that would not have been there in the first place, if not for the new doors being opened, by me, due to my dedicated and focused efforts. And the new obstacles are part of the process of change; kind of like moving house and discovering that there is extra cleaning that needs to be done, or you need to buy extra storage, or the internet provider forgot to transfer your service. Each new step creates initial, predictable disorder, and anticipating having to manage that disorder - and encoding it as "predictable disorder" as opposed to "targeted kick in teeth" - has helped me a lot. I am still not 100% cured of the cat on a toilet seat feelings, but I'm getting better.
I'll keep an eye on this post to hear other suggestions, too.
posted by Silvery Fish at 8:30 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Life is like that. Some people in particular have terrible streaks of bad luck. An example of this is the book Nothing To Fall Back On by Betsy Carter.
I will note that 2020 period, and the 2020's in general, are cursed for EVERYONE. And covid is just gonna keep on coming, unfortunately. (Note: I agree with sardonyx on the precautions, but suspect you will say you do take them.) We can't ever make long term plans with impunity. So you may just be 2020's-cursed like we all are.
However, other than having it yet again, it sounds like otherwise 2023 has been going well for you. If that helps any.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:30 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I will note that 2020 period, and the 2020's in general, are cursed for EVERYONE. And covid is just gonna keep on coming, unfortunately. (Note: I agree with sardonyx on the precautions, but suspect you will say you do take them.) We can't ever make long term plans with impunity. So you may just be 2020's-cursed like we all are.
However, other than having it yet again, it sounds like otherwise 2023 has been going well for you. If that helps any.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:30 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
This might be way out of left field but I wonder if you aren't surrounded by people who are acting like there's no pandemic and that the sky's the limit on goals and aspirations? Because there is still a pandemic and it's still fucking things up left, right, and center, and my aspirations (and even small everyday pleasures) have had to shrink down accordingly. If I weren't partnered with and good friends with people in the same situation, I don't know what I'd do.
posted by wintersweet at 8:31 AM on April 30, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by wintersweet at 8:31 AM on April 30, 2023 [11 favorites]
Magical thinking has not proved helpful to you, so quit seeking it out. What that looks like is this:
When whatever the hell "lucky girl syndrome" was gets supplanted by a new tired-to-death rehash of The Secret/7 Habits/insert your fave capitalistic theology horseshit, turn the phone over so you can't see the screen anymore, set it down on a flat surface, and walk out of the room.
Also: I am not going to suggest that one person's good luck does not cause global disease outbreaks. I agree that probably your good fortune over the last few years caused COVID-19. However, I don't see how it helps anything for you to dwell on the overwhelming likelihood that your having a great opportunity back in 2019 or 2020 was what did it. It's water over the bridge at this point, and your ruminating about it is not going to change the fact that I used the COVID lockdown as an excuse to learn to bake cakes and gained thirty pounds. As much as I wish you could go back in time and not get to go on a cool tour so that I could look at my feet without craning my head to see over my stomach, I am resigned to reality and the laws of physics, and I know that you can't do that.
It might bring you some comfort to know that most of the time when I remember all the suffering that happened in the pandemic before now and consider all the suffering that continues to happen because of the pandemic now and all the suffering that is going to continue on into the future, I don't think about your good fortune in having gone on that ill-fated tour and how it was the cause of it all. Most of the time I blame Ricky Gervais.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:52 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
When whatever the hell "lucky girl syndrome" was gets supplanted by a new tired-to-death rehash of The Secret/7 Habits/insert your fave capitalistic theology horseshit, turn the phone over so you can't see the screen anymore, set it down on a flat surface, and walk out of the room.
Also: I am not going to suggest that one person's good luck does not cause global disease outbreaks. I agree that probably your good fortune over the last few years caused COVID-19. However, I don't see how it helps anything for you to dwell on the overwhelming likelihood that your having a great opportunity back in 2019 or 2020 was what did it. It's water over the bridge at this point, and your ruminating about it is not going to change the fact that I used the COVID lockdown as an excuse to learn to bake cakes and gained thirty pounds. As much as I wish you could go back in time and not get to go on a cool tour so that I could look at my feet without craning my head to see over my stomach, I am resigned to reality and the laws of physics, and I know that you can't do that.
It might bring you some comfort to know that most of the time when I remember all the suffering that happened in the pandemic before now and consider all the suffering that continues to happen because of the pandemic now and all the suffering that is going to continue on into the future, I don't think about your good fortune in having gone on that ill-fated tour and how it was the cause of it all. Most of the time I blame Ricky Gervais.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:52 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Ugh, I feel you. The worst part is that once you start thinking this way, it's easy to KEEP thinking this way, because the minor hassles of life start sticking to that original thought until it's one big Katamari ball of bad juju and confirmation bias.
Trite advice that might work: Practice (and it will take practice) paying attention to the small stuff that is going RIGHT and brushing off the significance of the not-so-great stuff. For example, if you had to recap the same timeframe that you did above as if you were a "lucky girl" (which is not a real thing btw), could you do that?
posted by nkknkk at 8:54 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Trite advice that might work: Practice (and it will take practice) paying attention to the small stuff that is going RIGHT and brushing off the significance of the not-so-great stuff. For example, if you had to recap the same timeframe that you did above as if you were a "lucky girl" (which is not a real thing btw), could you do that?
posted by nkknkk at 8:54 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
You know, gratitude practices are quite commonly encouraged as part of addressing this in ACT-informed therapy (at least the therapy I've been exposed to). Part of the idea is that bad things happen, but they don't happen because of or in spite of the good things. A routine gratitude practice elevates your awareness of your capacity to appreciate things even when other bad things are happening around them. It is, per a lot of evidence, an effective strategy the longer you can commit to it as a routine.
Put a slightly different way, human brains are insanely gifted pattern recognizers. They're so good at making correlations that they will make correlations that aren't real rather than pay the price of not catching real ones. Net effect, sometimes, is that you get overpriced in "seeing" false, imagined correlations between unrelated things. This happens at the expense of clear-eyed critical appraisal. Gratitude is an introductory response to that tendency.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:21 AM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
Put a slightly different way, human brains are insanely gifted pattern recognizers. They're so good at making correlations that they will make correlations that aren't real rather than pay the price of not catching real ones. Net effect, sometimes, is that you get overpriced in "seeing" false, imagined correlations between unrelated things. This happens at the expense of clear-eyed critical appraisal. Gratitude is an introductory response to that tendency.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:21 AM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
This is just how life works, in general, for everyone. Some plans work out, others don't. Tragedies happen unexpectedly and interrupt joys (and sometimes vice versa). But if you want covid to stop interrupting your plans, wearing an N95 everywhere will help a lot.
posted by shadygrove at 10:22 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 10:22 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
So from my perspective it sounds like things have actually gone really well for you the past few years? You've had disappointments, but in the pandemic era we all have. You've gotten COVID a few times but pretty much everyone who is not taking significant precautions (and it doesn't sound like you are) has, and it doesn't sound like you've suffered long-term ill effects from it. So maybe try reframing your situation in the context of what's been the norm for everyone else for the past few years.
Do you generally hold a lot of superstitions/ magical thinking? If so, you may want to think about what that stems from and whether a different life philosophy would serve you better. If not, maybe you can talk yourself out of the cherophobia by noticing that it does not fit with the rest of your beliefs.
posted by metasarah at 10:23 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Do you generally hold a lot of superstitions/ magical thinking? If so, you may want to think about what that stems from and whether a different life philosophy would serve you better. If not, maybe you can talk yourself out of the cherophobia by noticing that it does not fit with the rest of your beliefs.
posted by metasarah at 10:23 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I think you gotta stop comparing yourself to others, and stop keeping score.
I had to (bluntly) get over myself. Life got easier to accept once I realized that it’s full of sickness, death, job loss, accidents, heartbreaks, tragedies—for everyone. Why does it always rain on me is self-centered thinking—it’s raining on everyone. How can I deal with the rain is a better question.
posted by kapers at 10:49 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I had to (bluntly) get over myself. Life got easier to accept once I realized that it’s full of sickness, death, job loss, accidents, heartbreaks, tragedies—for everyone. Why does it always rain on me is self-centered thinking—it’s raining on everyone. How can I deal with the rain is a better question.
posted by kapers at 10:49 AM on April 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I mean, I can guarantee you that good things will be followed by bad things and bad things will be followed by good things and there will probably be a lot of meh things in there too.
There are bad things coming down the pike for you and the people you love; there are also good things coming. Obsessing over the order they come in doesn't help you. Be prepared, enjoy and be grateful for the good stuff, don't spend your life worrying about things you can't control.
posted by mskyle at 12:49 PM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
There are bad things coming down the pike for you and the people you love; there are also good things coming. Obsessing over the order they come in doesn't help you. Be prepared, enjoy and be grateful for the good stuff, don't spend your life worrying about things you can't control.
posted by mskyle at 12:49 PM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
Well, you’re attributing the inevitable reality that something bad WILL eventually happen to the fact that something good has happened, which is not how it works. You don’t “earn” bad things by getting (or not deserving) good things. Bad things just happen. And good things just happen. We have some role in this, but not 100% control.
If your joy in good things is a result of believing that finally that good thing has happened and will last forever, protect you from stress and misfortune forever— that is a fragile joy and you’re right to feel anxious. That’s what gratitude is about, appreciating the good when it comes, in the moment, without the pressure of needing it to last forever. Because no good thing lasts forever, or protects us forever. Life is in part about learning to appreciate the moment and deal with the stressors that come our way. Building our inner strength and resilience so that we are not so overwhelmed by the bad, and can value the good for what it is.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:53 PM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
If your joy in good things is a result of believing that finally that good thing has happened and will last forever, protect you from stress and misfortune forever— that is a fragile joy and you’re right to feel anxious. That’s what gratitude is about, appreciating the good when it comes, in the moment, without the pressure of needing it to last forever. Because no good thing lasts forever, or protects us forever. Life is in part about learning to appreciate the moment and deal with the stressors that come our way. Building our inner strength and resilience so that we are not so overwhelmed by the bad, and can value the good for what it is.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:53 PM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
Some people are always getting knocked down. But recovery depends a lot of the time on luck as well as resources. Manifesting stuff is about optimizing luck, but its a problem when you focus on developing luck to the detriment of developing resources.
What are resources? Safe relationships, stable income, health, safe housing, savings, employability. You've got citizenship which is a huge triple plus in the resources column. Congratulations! Keep developing your resources and your stability and next time getting knocked down shouldn't feel so bad.
Also it's normal to feel depressed when fighting an illness, and more so for people who already suffer from depression, so if that's an issue try to get your good habits going again when you're feeling a bit better.
posted by jello at 1:12 PM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
What are resources? Safe relationships, stable income, health, safe housing, savings, employability. You've got citizenship which is a huge triple plus in the resources column. Congratulations! Keep developing your resources and your stability and next time getting knocked down shouldn't feel so bad.
Also it's normal to feel depressed when fighting an illness, and more so for people who already suffer from depression, so if that's an issue try to get your good habits going again when you're feeling a bit better.
posted by jello at 1:12 PM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Is there any way out of this, or should I just accept that this is my lot in life, that every bit of happiness I have is conditional and will be taken away by something with long term dreadful consequences?
I'm sorry life looks like this to you right now. I hope your health situation resolves smoothly.
My experience -- there will always be bad things down the road. It's just part of life. It took me a long time to come to grips with that, but eventually I had a light bulb moment after a serious rough patch (a string of deaths in the family, various disappointments, etc.) and realized that I had to choose what to focus on. It sounds very self-help-y, for better or worse, but finally I got that I could look to the joy or to the misery--because each were present, and more of each was coming down the road. I look at your description of the last few years, and barring the specific things, and the general crappiness of the world the last few years, I see some good trajectory. <3
posted by cupcakeninja at 1:16 PM on April 30, 2023
I'm sorry life looks like this to you right now. I hope your health situation resolves smoothly.
My experience -- there will always be bad things down the road. It's just part of life. It took me a long time to come to grips with that, but eventually I had a light bulb moment after a serious rough patch (a string of deaths in the family, various disappointments, etc.) and realized that I had to choose what to focus on. It sounds very self-help-y, for better or worse, but finally I got that I could look to the joy or to the misery--because each were present, and more of each was coming down the road. I look at your description of the last few years, and barring the specific things, and the general crappiness of the world the last few years, I see some good trajectory. <3
posted by cupcakeninja at 1:16 PM on April 30, 2023
While I cannot comment on the accuracy* of the "good events are always followed by bad ones" model of the world, I don't see "wait on tenterhooks for the other shoe to drop" as a very useful approach. When reflecting on our own history, I think it can be helpful to keep in mind how students are taught history in school. Students are more likely to learn about a war that happened than a war that was avoided. And generally speaking historical outcomes are neither entirely good nor entirely bad. Moreover, it is not uncommon for causes and effects to be simplified for students. This reporting bias happens in the history of humankind as well as our own.
*I cannot deny that concepts of "luck" and "choices" are intrinsically intertwined with privilege aka the bootstrap myth. So I want to tread lightly to avoid invalidating someone's individual experience.
A big congrats on the new job! Being paid a living wage will make it easier and less stressful to weather future storms. Someone earning a living wage can make the decision to save for upcoming emergencies instead of being forced to spend his money on immediate needs.
I am going to make the case that worrying about the other shoe to drop is counter productive (with the acknowledgement that this is easier said than done). Worry about an abstract threat is unlikely to make the current situation any better, and can make a situation worse. For instance, I can easily see the connection between someone stressing out so much about an abstract threat -> can't sleep -> gets into a car accident due to exhaustion. But not stressing out about a situation -> better sleep -> less risk of fatigue related car crash. And again, there's a reporting bias here. Of course someone is going to be aware of a car crash. But it's much harder for this someone to be aware of a car crash avoided.
Moreover, regarding your most recent bout with COVID, I can easily come up with a student of history cause and effect model where doing a fun thing (yay) -> increased exposure to other humans (but also increased exposure to their germs (boo!) -> COVID (boo). Unfortunately for someone in 2023, COVID is not an abstract threat. Once a decision has been made to interact in person with others, it's only possible to reduce the chance of catching COVID, not eliminate possibility completely.
Therefore, it seems to me is that your experiences in these past few years is much like human history with its ups and downs. And you have lots of company finding life post 2020 challenging.
posted by oceano at 4:24 PM on April 30, 2023
*I cannot deny that concepts of "luck" and "choices" are intrinsically intertwined with privilege aka the bootstrap myth. So I want to tread lightly to avoid invalidating someone's individual experience.
A big congrats on the new job! Being paid a living wage will make it easier and less stressful to weather future storms. Someone earning a living wage can make the decision to save for upcoming emergencies instead of being forced to spend his money on immediate needs.
I am going to make the case that worrying about the other shoe to drop is counter productive (with the acknowledgement that this is easier said than done). Worry about an abstract threat is unlikely to make the current situation any better, and can make a situation worse. For instance, I can easily see the connection between someone stressing out so much about an abstract threat -> can't sleep -> gets into a car accident due to exhaustion. But not stressing out about a situation -> better sleep -> less risk of fatigue related car crash. And again, there's a reporting bias here. Of course someone is going to be aware of a car crash. But it's much harder for this someone to be aware of a car crash avoided.
Moreover, regarding your most recent bout with COVID, I can easily come up with a student of history cause and effect model where doing a fun thing (yay) -> increased exposure to other humans (but also increased exposure to their germs (boo!) -> COVID (boo). Unfortunately for someone in 2023, COVID is not an abstract threat. Once a decision has been made to interact in person with others, it's only possible to reduce the chance of catching COVID, not eliminate possibility completely.
Therefore, it seems to me is that your experiences in these past few years is much like human history with its ups and downs. And you have lots of company finding life post 2020 challenging.
posted by oceano at 4:24 PM on April 30, 2023
Response by poster: (can people stop making assumptions about my Covid precautions please, I take as much precautions as possible and I still got hit)
posted by creatrixtiara at 5:10 PM on April 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by creatrixtiara at 5:10 PM on April 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
While I agree that you had a lot thrown at you in a short span, I think you might be seeing every bad thing as a response to a good thing. Life is just full of ups and downs. You can take an optimistic view of life or a pessimistic view. You've taken a pessimistic view where you're emphasizing the bad things and seeing them as punishment. But you said yourself:
I got my first stable, living wage job in probably EVER
I just signed a contract ... that was a stepping stone to a major career goal
I finally have a steady group of volunteers and a co-leader for a youth group
Dad's done with chemo and is doing ok
I've even started dance class again!
Just because something not-so-great happens after all of those great things, doesn't mean that those aren't important. Look at those amazing accomplishments! You did 5 things, and then had a minor setback of a covid exposure. Now you're ready for 5 more amazing things (or 2 or 20; who knows). Accentuate the positive, avoid ruminating on the negative. Yes, it sucks, but practice letting it roll off and moving on from the "bad". By the way, the world isn't really as black and white as you're painting it. Nothing is 100% good or 100% bad.
Your bucket list tour was cut in half. But wow! you got to go out on tour! It was cut short due to Covid, but, well, a lot of other stuff was cut back too. You got to see what it was like on tour, and you are now in a position to figure out what you liked and didn't like, and how to plan your next tour.
Please understand I say this as someone who wholeheartedly doesn't like to speak my plans out loud or dare to predict the future. But I can feel that way and still avoid dwelling on the negatives. Maybe it takes practice, but it's helpful to try to reframe your perspective.
Here's a recent-ish ask.metafilter post that you might find helpful.
Here's a post about thankfulness and gratitude from a blogger I enjoy and respect. And another from her showing vulnerability and showing that it's an ongoing process of looking for the positive.
posted by hydra77 at 11:00 AM on May 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
I got my first stable, living wage job in probably EVER
I just signed a contract ... that was a stepping stone to a major career goal
I finally have a steady group of volunteers and a co-leader for a youth group
Dad's done with chemo and is doing ok
I've even started dance class again!
Just because something not-so-great happens after all of those great things, doesn't mean that those aren't important. Look at those amazing accomplishments! You did 5 things, and then had a minor setback of a covid exposure. Now you're ready for 5 more amazing things (or 2 or 20; who knows). Accentuate the positive, avoid ruminating on the negative. Yes, it sucks, but practice letting it roll off and moving on from the "bad". By the way, the world isn't really as black and white as you're painting it. Nothing is 100% good or 100% bad.
Your bucket list tour was cut in half. But wow! you got to go out on tour! It was cut short due to Covid, but, well, a lot of other stuff was cut back too. You got to see what it was like on tour, and you are now in a position to figure out what you liked and didn't like, and how to plan your next tour.
Please understand I say this as someone who wholeheartedly doesn't like to speak my plans out loud or dare to predict the future. But I can feel that way and still avoid dwelling on the negatives. Maybe it takes practice, but it's helpful to try to reframe your perspective.
Here's a recent-ish ask.metafilter post that you might find helpful.
Here's a post about thankfulness and gratitude from a blogger I enjoy and respect. And another from her showing vulnerability and showing that it's an ongoing process of looking for the positive.
posted by hydra77 at 11:00 AM on May 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm going to suggest that your personal framing of situations might be doing you a disservice. This may not be accurate in your daily life, but in your writing I pick up on a through line of resentment (toward occurences, people, sequences of events, etc.). Do you notice that when you read through what you've written? I say this because it sounds a lot like one of many possible indicators of burnout.
That resentment comes up in your response to people wondering aloud about how prominently Covid features in your life. Maybe I can come in with a bit of a frame shift, because maybe hearing it form a professional might help press back against that resentment. Getting Covid, no matter the context, is not a sin. It's also not a private affliction. People will wonder and compare and, because we all have intimate experience with radical change brought into our lives by the pandemic, they will make assumptions to try to understand your experience because you've brought it up. You've asked about it.
And, with all kindness, your framing on the Covid front needs to shift. I'm an epidemiologist. Without adding more commentary from my personal experience over those years, and the one immediately prior, I am well aware that humans have a strong bias toward emphasizing negative experiences over positive ones. Our brains have probably benefitted from that as a protective mechanism at the population level over thousands of generations. At the individual level, over a single lifetime, I don't think the help is really prominent. The hinderance is more prominent, at least. We overemphasie the focus of bad things in our lives, even though many/most/some (?) of us know that is imagined. I can confidently assure you that if you are able to feel unhappy about repeatedly recovering from Covid... you have a lot, a lot, to be grateful for that an enormous slice of the global population can not claim. You are missing out on a lot, a lot, of misery. Even so, myself and many of my colleagues over the last few years ahave struggled with resentment no matter how much we know this in our bones.
I am confident you are intellectually aware of this, and maybe the subtext of the question is that you're not sure how to viscerally, emotionally connect with that knowledge. And that's outside my wheelhouse! I don't know if you have room for this in your therapy practice, but material like this is worth using as a specific focus, which is true from inside my field (in that I know a number of people whose burnout has manifested in a lack of care about consequences for other people, troubling enough in my org that we try to make sure people get therapy to prevent this kind of separation from how other people's dignity in trying times is important perspective for everyone working in public health). Maybe you can treat yourself like a first responder, and grant yourself access to the same tools we're using to try to stay grounded? At the very least, these might bring you ideas to discuss with your therapist (who, I strongly suspect, "gets it"). For instance:
MHTTC resources, with entires on compassion fatigue, resilience in overwhelming times, and so on.
The Natioanl Plan for Health Workforce Well-Being
Research that includes components looking at effective protective strategies for this kind of burnout (like this example, and this one, etc.)
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:37 AM on May 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
That resentment comes up in your response to people wondering aloud about how prominently Covid features in your life. Maybe I can come in with a bit of a frame shift, because maybe hearing it form a professional might help press back against that resentment. Getting Covid, no matter the context, is not a sin. It's also not a private affliction. People will wonder and compare and, because we all have intimate experience with radical change brought into our lives by the pandemic, they will make assumptions to try to understand your experience because you've brought it up. You've asked about it.
And, with all kindness, your framing on the Covid front needs to shift. I'm an epidemiologist. Without adding more commentary from my personal experience over those years, and the one immediately prior, I am well aware that humans have a strong bias toward emphasizing negative experiences over positive ones. Our brains have probably benefitted from that as a protective mechanism at the population level over thousands of generations. At the individual level, over a single lifetime, I don't think the help is really prominent. The hinderance is more prominent, at least. We overemphasie the focus of bad things in our lives, even though many/most/some (?) of us know that is imagined. I can confidently assure you that if you are able to feel unhappy about repeatedly recovering from Covid... you have a lot, a lot, to be grateful for that an enormous slice of the global population can not claim. You are missing out on a lot, a lot, of misery. Even so, myself and many of my colleagues over the last few years ahave struggled with resentment no matter how much we know this in our bones.
I am confident you are intellectually aware of this, and maybe the subtext of the question is that you're not sure how to viscerally, emotionally connect with that knowledge. And that's outside my wheelhouse! I don't know if you have room for this in your therapy practice, but material like this is worth using as a specific focus, which is true from inside my field (in that I know a number of people whose burnout has manifested in a lack of care about consequences for other people, troubling enough in my org that we try to make sure people get therapy to prevent this kind of separation from how other people's dignity in trying times is important perspective for everyone working in public health). Maybe you can treat yourself like a first responder, and grant yourself access to the same tools we're using to try to stay grounded? At the very least, these might bring you ideas to discuss with your therapist (who, I strongly suspect, "gets it"). For instance:
MHTTC resources, with entires on compassion fatigue, resilience in overwhelming times, and so on.
The Natioanl Plan for Health Workforce Well-Being
Research that includes components looking at effective protective strategies for this kind of burnout (like this example, and this one, etc.)
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:37 AM on May 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
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I'm only posting this because I want you to know you're not alone, and even if your therapist doesn't get it, there are other people who do. I'm sorry that you're one of us.
posted by sardonyx at 8:14 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]