Stuck on a birthday gathering decision due to wonky weather?
April 7, 2023 6:13 PM   Subscribe

I'm hosting a birthday picnic at a lake tomorrow. The weather was very pleasant earlier this week, going as high as the late 70s/low 80s, but has since then plummeted to the high 40s/low 50s. I felt uncertain about the picnic, because I really love that lake and want to hold my birthday there, but it's cold. Most of my friends are okay with it, and say it's my decision, but I feel guilty (people pleaser problems).

This good friend of mine, "L" gets cold super easily. When I asked her if she was okay with the lake, and if she preferred a gathering inside, she said she preferred the indoors gathering, but that it was up to me.

I feel guilty because I don't want her to be uncomfortable outside, but I really want her at my gathering. I asked other friends, and they said it was up to me, and they were fine either way. I'm also, personally, hesitant in being close to water in cold conditions myself (I do get cold easily too), but the picnic is such a different and nice idea, something unique, and I really love that lake.

A friend graciously offered his rooftop space in case of rain, and I'm seriously tempted to take him up on it because it'd be easier, "L" would be pleased (again, damn people pleasing tendencies!), and we'd be warm and comfortable, but it'd be kind of "boring".

Thoughts? Alternative solutions? (No, the lake does not have any indoor facilities, and there's not another lake nearby that does.)

Thanks! So tired of this wonky weather going severely up and down, makes it so hard to plan stuff!
posted by dubious_dude to Human Relations (37 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I really love that lake and want to hold my birthday there.
Do that. Let everyone know the weather. Privately message L and let them know it’s fine if they want to opt out and instead can get together privately at date and location of their choosing, or suggest something you know they’ll like.
posted by Ookseer at 6:20 PM on April 7, 2023 [3 favorites]


Do the thing you want to do. This is your birthday and you're hosting.

You've already identified you're a people pleaser and want to work on it. So work on it and do the thing you want to do.
posted by kdar at 6:22 PM on April 7, 2023 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Perhaps I could offer to bring a hot chocolate thermos for "L" to help keep her warm, would you think that might be an ideal solution?

I asked everyone because I wanted to make sure everyone would be comfortable at my birthday gathering.
posted by dubious_dude at 6:23 PM on April 7, 2023


L can wear a jacket or stay at home.

Happy early birthday - enjoy the lake!
posted by kimberussell at 7:00 PM on April 7, 2023 [1 favorite]


You're anxiously trying to confer with a bunch of Internet strangers to ensure that you're doing the right thing by pleasing your friends for your birthday. You've already identified that you want to have the birthday at the lake and that your friends have said they're okay with it. The friend you're most worried about says they're okay with it. Everybody here is an adult and can make their own decisions, including your friends who have said they're okay with the picnic.

Do the thing you want to do, for yourself, and talk to your therapist (you are still in therapy, right?) afterwards about why it was so hard for you to make this decision without getting a huge amount of validation from both your real friends and random strangers on the Internet.
posted by kdar at 7:06 PM on April 7, 2023 [23 favorites]


Go to the lake and bring lots of blankets for L and anyone else who needs to warm up. Is a campfire an option? If not, you can get little tabletop fireplaces that burn gel fuel. Serve hot drinks, soup, and fondue. It'll be delightfully cozy.
posted by mezzanayne at 7:14 PM on April 7, 2023 [3 favorites]


Your question history is long enough for me to know that none of these people would give a single fuck about you if the roles were reversed. If you don’t have your picnic at this lake, I’ll be personally mad at you. If L has a problem with it, well, she sounds like the rest of your friends, who all seem to get exactly what they want while you get nothing. Fuck them. The weather isn’t under your control. They can fucking deal.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:18 PM on April 7, 2023 [30 favorites]


I don't like being cold, but I don't like letting the cold stop me from spending time outdoors.

Here are some things that are warming:

- sun (warmer than shade)
- not being really close to the water
- appropriate layers
- blankets
- physical activity (walking around the lake at a brisk pace)
- holding onto and/or drinking hot beverages such as hot water, hot ginger tea, spicy things are warming (like adding ginger or chili peppers to hot chocolate)
- camp fires
- Being well-fed
- Also those emergency chemical hand/foot warmers
- the knowledge that I can go inside and warm up later (e.g., when I get home)

Don't worry about it. You don't need to feel guilty about the weather. Your friends want to be there with you. If they don't, they don't have to come. Wouldn't you go spend time out at a cold lake if it was the birthday of a friend of yours?

I hope you have an excellent birthday out at the lake.
posted by aniola at 7:21 PM on April 7, 2023 [2 favorites]


What’s funny about being a people pleaser is that you look to others to make sure everyone is alright, but if it’s an event about you (birthday, wedding, graduation) the thing that will best ensure happiness in the group and set the mood is actually if YOU are enjoying yourself. Like that’s it. If you are having fun, everyone else will join in. If someone gets cold easily they can bring a sleeping bag with them or a hot potato in their pocket. We’ve been a pandemic where outdoor gatherings are encouraged for ver 3 years now. People know how to be outdoors.
posted by raccoon409 at 7:52 PM on April 7, 2023 [4 favorites]


Campfire if allowed, hot food and drinks, blankets and handwarmers sound like the winningest solutions to me. Can you retreat to the rooftop after your picnic if it gets too uncomfortable, just to hang out? Either way, I hope you have a very happy birthday, dubious_dude!
posted by kate4914 at 7:52 PM on April 7, 2023


Perhaps I could offer to bring a hot chocolate thermos for "L" to help keep her warm, would you think that might be an ideal solution?

I was going to suggest this. Totally have the event, but bring hot drinks - can you get Starbucks delivered to the lake? Also if you want to be extra nice, bring some blankets for people to cozy up with, extra sweaters or scarves, hand warmers and extra socks. I've done this before and it's always appreciated - people think it's super fun and that you are a gracious host!
posted by Toddles at 7:55 PM on April 7, 2023


Your “friends” can afford their own coffee.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:56 PM on April 7, 2023 [6 favorites]


Perhaps I could offer to bring a hot chocolate thermos for "L" to help keep her warm, would you think that might be an ideal solution?

Maybe! If it's easy for you! But sometimes, trying harder to please everyone is actually WORSE. Personally, if someone goes way out of their way to try to make me happy, it makes me anxious because I feel like I HAVE to have a good time or they will feel bad. It puts a lot of pressure on me.

The best advice I can give is to relax, and try to have a good time for YOURSELF, without thinking too much about other people. They have come to celebrate you. If you are happy, for the most part, they will be happy too.
posted by mekily at 8:01 PM on April 7, 2023 [12 favorites]


I am always cold and I have never expected anyone to consider that when planning an event. Adults know how to dress appropriately based on their personal needs. I also know how to leave an event early or just stop by for a brief time if the environment is uncomfortable for me for any reason. Again, I think most adults know now to plan for their own comfort and preferences. You don't need to think about this.
Also keep in mind, you have no idea who will actually show up. Have the party you want to have.
posted by fies at 8:01 PM on April 7, 2023 [13 favorites]


Don't try to problem solve this for L. It's a kind thought but may make her feel pressured to come when she otherwise wouldn't given the weather, and also may be the wrong solution for her needs. Just plan the birthday you want, be clear that it's fine if people can't be outside for that long and need to skip your birthday event, and go have a good time.

If YOU would enjoy making it cozy with hot drinks, blankets, etc., by all means bring that stuff. But your friends can also be responsible for making their own assessments about comfort and health and bringing what they need or staying home
posted by Stacey at 8:01 PM on April 7, 2023 [2 favorites]


Some great advice here. I want to add some meta-advice:

One thing that has helped me, as an overthinker, is to just take people at their word. If I ask someone if they're fine with something, and they say they are, they are! I no longer need to have anxieties about guessing what they really think.

At some point, you just have to trust that fellow adults are responsible enough that they can communicate their needs and feelings — and not try to speculate at what people might "really" want, what might be "best" for them, etc., an endeavour that creates a Jenga tower of rapidly multiplying, shifting complexities, all of which may be false. That way lies madness!

And this last bit goes without saying, but if a friend is the kind of person who's going to say one thing, and mean another, and expect me to guess their secret expectations and resent me when I don't ... then I no longer want to be their friend.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 8:16 PM on April 7, 2023 [23 favorites]


I'll say this: give the lake a shot, but if *everyone* starts getting cold and not having fun after awhile, be prepared to move to another location.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:20 PM on April 7, 2023 [2 favorites]


I am going to be the contrarian here. You are not obligated to move your event if you don't want to, but is your goal to spend time at this lake or to spend time with your friends?

Because I guarantee some of your friends will cancel our no-show, some will come late, many will leave early. That is not picnic weather and I would not choose to be that cold for a birthday party no matter how much I liked the host. Being cold is exhausting and miserable and parties are supposed to be fun.

I don't want to get overly personal here, but I have followed your posts for years, and I anticipate that if you keep this plan, in a week you will be asking us what to think because almost no one came to your birthday.

Also, the idea that you would bring hot drinks for one specific person at your cold outdoor birthday party is weird to me. If you have this event, shouldn't you make sure there are hot drinks for everyone?
posted by jacquilynne at 8:20 PM on April 7, 2023 [28 favorites]


It sounds really cold to me and not that pleasant even if it doesn’t rain. I had a big annual event yesterday which I am usually able to hold outdoors but decided to make it inside because I wanted people to enjoy it and to not leave quickly on account of being uncomfortable. I would say come up with an option for a warmer party location - find something else that can also feel special (I put up string lights and had candles for my indoor version) - and do a lake picnic another time.
posted by AnnaRat at 8:49 PM on April 7, 2023 [5 favorites]


Honestly, I don't think you're going to have a good time at the lake now. You're going to stress the entire time over if everyone is uncomfortable and if they say they aren't you'll think they're just saying that, etc, etc. Taking people at their word and just worrying about yourself on your own birthday is excellent advice but it's not something you're going to magically be able to do by tomorrow.

Have the party on the rooftop and save the lake for next year.
posted by Adifferentbear at 9:07 PM on April 7, 2023 [4 favorites]


I came to say what Adifferentbear said. I think you’ll be stressed and anxious about whether people are cold, having fun, not having fun, etc. Host it somewhere warm and maybe do a lake picnic this summer just for fun?
posted by whitelily at 9:14 PM on April 7, 2023


Again, this is you trying to control your friends (this time with their comfort level with the weather). They are all adults and will choose to come, and choose appropriate clothing.

By repeatedly asking these types of questions on Ask Metafilter shows that you haven't made progress on this issue.
posted by saturdaymornings at 9:34 PM on April 7, 2023 [9 favorites]


I would make the decision based on what you planned to do at the lake. If what you were going to do at the lake is no longer feasible or enjoyable because of the weather, move the gathering. If it is feasible, keep it.

I am an adult that learned to dress in layers for the weather. In the winter, I often watch football on Sundays outside even in the snow around a roaring fire pit fire. People adapt. Or they don't. But, it is their issue, not yours.

If you want to bring hot liquids that would be a nice gesture. I might bring a box of handwarmers, the kind that is like a beanbag. You can get them relatively inexpensively on Amazon.

Finally, if you get that freaked by the decision, just move it indoors and stop fretting.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:52 PM on April 7, 2023 [1 favorite]


+1 stop by Starbucks and get a couple of those cardboard coffee boxes and a bunch of cups. Bring hand warmers. If you want to really splash out, run by a camping store and buy a bunch of cozy wool hats or mittens or scarves and let your party guests keep them as a souvenir and memento of your ridiculously cold April birthday party by the lake.
posted by potrzebie at 10:18 PM on April 7, 2023


You know, there's people pleasing and there's being a good host. You're likely to have some wind chill factor there, and a picnic is a pretty sedentary activity so unless you're all planning to do some sports thing people might end up sitting around shivering (or, you know, wisely deciding not to come). I'd do the rooftop thing and then have a picnic at the lake later in the season. If that's too boring, maybe there's a third option.

Not being a people pleaser doesn't mean focusing only on your own needs and ignoring others'. It just means having a healthy balance, and not depending on others' validation.
posted by trig at 1:09 AM on April 8, 2023 [11 favorites]


I can only speak for myself.

I can't stand being cold. It's risky and often physically painful (I have health conditions that are aggravated by temperature, particularly a facial pain condition). No, bundling up doesn't work.

I don't expect others to adjust their plans for me, but I adjust my own plans around my needs.

If I was invited to this gathering, I would be grateful to have it moved indoors, but I wouldn't *expect* for it to be moved indoors. I don't make choices for others.

Instead, if it was within a brief travel radius (30 minutes or so) I would come and stay for maybe one hour. Wish you well, have cake, then go home. If it was far enough away that I'd spend more time in transit than at the gathering, I'd politely cancel.

If the host became offended based on me setting a reasonable boundary ("I will not be in pain for the sake of a party") then that would not be my concern. Other people are responsible for their own feelings.

However, I think the rational choice is to move the party.

If I'm remembering right, you're in DC.

I'm not far from you, and it's just a miserable weekend for weather. Damp, chilly, windy, yucky.

It's not that clear sort of chilly that you can bundle up for and enjoy, it's that raw flavor of chilly that seeps into your bones. My own family is changing our plans based on the weather.

If you're emotionally attached enough to the picnic idea that it outweighs rationality for you, then it's your prerogative. It's your event that you are hosting. But if others make the choice to opt out or leave early because of raw weather, then it's your responsibility to not take it personally and to be gracious.
posted by champers at 3:15 AM on April 8, 2023 [1 favorite]


Why don’t you RESCHEDULE the lake picnic? It won’t be on your birthday but whatever, we’re adults, the actual day is not that important.

I think it’s both going to be too cold to have much fun tomorrow AND that you fret too much about how to keep your friends perfectly happy and content so they will be your friends. It’s exhausting, I’m sorry you feel this way.

Send everyone a text: sorry, weather is shit this weekend! How about the first weekend in May?

And then pamper yourself with something lovely by yourself.
posted by lydhre at 3:54 AM on April 8, 2023 [6 favorites]


I think you should take up your friend's offer to have the party at his place.

Better weather is coming, you can have multiple gatherings at the lake over the coming months.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:54 AM on April 8, 2023 [2 favorites]


Is this a false (or realistic) scarcity mindset where you feel you can only get your friends out for your birthday? So a reschedule doesn't make sense ?
posted by freethefeet at 4:42 AM on April 8, 2023 [2 favorites]


I have to agree with Lydhre's comment. If the lake picnic is what matters most to you and the weather is too bad, just reschedule.
Or as several others have said, if you stick with the date as planned and the weather is miserable, take it indoors.
posted by fies at 4:55 AM on April 8, 2023


I do lots of picnics by a lake and here’s my feedback:

I don’t think people pleasing is your issue here, it’s that you planned an outdoor event and the weather isn’t cooperating and you can’t get your mind around the weather.

I base this on the fact that you said I'm also, personally, hesitant in being close to water in cold conditions myself which sounds to me like you’re projecting that it’s your friends you don’t want to let down but in fact it’s just that the weather is going to make it uncomfortable for you (plus everyone).

If you can have a fire or blankets, you can mitigate the weather. If you’ve planned beach volleyball or touch football or whatever, that’ll warm people up. But personally I’d reschedule for a month out. With the rooftop backup in case of rain.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:59 AM on April 8, 2023 [1 favorite]


What about limiting the picnic time and then planning something indoors for after? Less outdoor time, and also people can choose to skip the outdoor portion and still attend the party. You could also plan an activity, like a sport or a walk, for the outdoor portion (if folks are into that) to warm people up a little.

I hope it works out, Happy Birthday!
posted by bearette at 7:45 AM on April 8, 2023


Response by poster: Good morning. Thanks for the birthday wishes—it's not today, it was earlier this week. This is a belated birthday celebration because the weekends are when people are more free to celebrate.

This morning, I made the decision to move the party to my friend's interior rooftop venue, due to super high winds at the lake (gusts up to 19mph) and the temperature remaining in the low 50s, so I know I probably wouldn't really enjoy it, especially coupled with the cold. It's pretty sparse out there with trees anyway, and chilly/the weather is too wildcard-ey. No, this does not have anything to do with pleasing "L" — the original premise of my question did, yes, but this has evolved into a situation where being a good host and general comfort comes to mind, and I loved the suggestion of doing a belated picnic when it's nicer outside. If the winds weren't as bad, I'd have stuck with the decision to host there, but cold coupled with wind really is not a pleasant experience for anyone.

To address some comments:

If you have this event, shouldn't you make sure there are hot drinks for everyone?
I did initially think about bringing "L" a thermos of hot chocolate because she's a friend I know that gets cold very easily, but the idea evolved to bringing a big thermos of hot water and tea/hot chocolate packets for everyone. This was obviously a live work-in-progress, so please pardon my brain farts as ideas were tossed around.

Again, this is you trying to control your friends (this time with their comfort level with the weather). They are all adults and will choose to come, and choose appropriate clothing.
So sorry, but I do fail to see how this is me attempting to control my friends. I did not say that my friends HAD to go. I was trying to brainstorm solutions that would ensure my friends were warm, comfortable, and enjoyed my event (for example, bringing a thermos of hot water). Yes, my friends are all adults and could figure things out for themselves, but I was also trying to be a good host. Nothing to do with control. I know I can't force my friends to go—they have every right to back out for their own reasons, regardless of where it's hosted.

I don’t think people pleasing is your issue here, it’s that you planned an outdoor event and the weather isn’t cooperating and you can’t get your mind around the weather.
Yes, it was frankly stunning to see such nice weather in the low 80s plummet down to the 40s in only a couple of days. Weather fluctuation is not that uncommon here in the DC area, but this was particularly bad.

I think it’s both going to be too cold to have much fun tomorrow AND that you fret too much about how to keep your friends perfectly happy and content so they will be your friends. It’s exhausting, I’m sorry you feel this way.
It is. Definitely something I need to work through in therapy.

Do the thing you want to do, for yourself, and talk to your therapist (you are still in therapy, right?)
Yes. I was actually finally authorized by my health insurance after a year-long battle (FINALLY!) for a year's worth of therapy, so I definitely plan to talk about this. I'm super sensitive when it comes to my birthday too, due to traumas, so this is definitely something I need to work on and will address with my therapist.

If you're emotionally attached enough to the picnic idea that it outweighs rationality for you, then it's your prerogative.
I was attached to the lake because of its uniqueness and the fact that I love nature and the outdoors. However, posts here helped me realize that I could always do a picnic another time, when it's nicer outside and the lake is more beautiful with blossoms, trees, etc. The rooftop is "boring" because it's super common in DC, but it does have some really nice views which people should love, so why not?

If not, you can get little tabletop fireplaces that burn gel fuel. Serve hot drinks, soup, and fondue. It'll be delightfully cozy.
Ooooo! I love that idea! Maybe something to do when it's cold, yet not windy/sticky outside. Maybe a new winter picnic outing next year for those who are up for it!

April always is a tricky time for my birthday, because the weather is often on the cusp, people are super busy during this particular month, and there's a lot of other birthdays as well. As mentioned above, I'll need to address this birthday issue with my therapist and work through the trauma. I might start a new tradition of doing a half-birthday if it's during a time when things are calmer.

Thanks for your input and feedback!
posted by dubious_dude at 8:01 AM on April 8, 2023 [5 favorites]


Sounds like you made the right decision. The lake's not going anywhere and you can have a lovely picnic there again another time. I hope you have an excellent rooftop party - it sounds great. Happy belated birthday!
posted by fabius at 10:15 AM on April 8, 2023 [3 favorites]


Sounds like you made a smart decision and you have a very nice friend to offer to host on their roof.
posted by fies at 1:38 PM on April 8, 2023 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Not intended to threadsit but just an update that everyone really enjoyed the rooftop, including me, and that everyone agreed it'd be better to have a picnic once the weather stabilizes. I also had a very pleasant birthday dinner and had a nice surprise birthday cake with dessert. Perfect way to end this year's birthday!

Thanks again for all of your help. Cheers to another year on this planet! :)
posted by dubious_dude at 6:30 PM on April 8, 2023 [20 favorites]


Yay! That’s great, I’m so glad to hear y’all had a blast. :)

I totally get the initial disappointment and trying to make it work, but I agree that moving it inside (and delaying the picnic for another date) was the best call here.
posted by lesser weasel at 1:57 AM on April 10, 2023 [2 favorites]


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