Help me deal with my possibly autistic parent
March 26, 2023 11:42 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for suggestions (books, articles, podcasts, personal experience) for dealing with my parent whom I've long suspected of being on the spectrum. We have a challenging relationship and I'd like to find some strategies that might help both of us get along / understand one another better.
My father is a retired professor who has a deep interest in his area of expertise (and not much else). He lives a few hours away and we don't see each other very often. He's rigid and inflexible and doesn't understand the impact of his behaviour on other people. This has been an ongoing theme throughout my life and has affected me profoundly.
My father's inflexibility and inability to consider my needs drives me crazy. He has no interest in the person I am, vs. the person he would prefer me to be. He frequently asks about my friends' academic pursuits but has no interest in my (non-academic) career. I have my own challenges, including a late-in-life ADHD diagnosis and being overly sensitive and emotionally reactive to chaos in my physical environment. I've tried to help my father understand how his behaviour affects me, without much luck.
Here's a typical cycle of behaviour: I'll be preparing a meal or a cup of tea for my parents when they visit, and my father will plant himself in the middle of the kitchen - think standing bang in the centre, generally getting underfoot, and forcing me to maneuver around him. I will ask him, politely, to please have a seat to the side, but he doesn't get the message and continues to be in the way. Eventually I get so frustrated and overstimulated that I snap at him, which my father takes very personally. He responds by freezing me out: the next time I see him he will completely ignore me. This can go on for a few months before he decides he wants to reengage. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I realize this may seem like a petty example. But it illustrates my father's disproportionate response to any criticism or expression of displeasure, and the fact that he doesn't (can't?) understand the concept of giving me space when I need it, even when asked specifically.
I recognize my own limitations and that it's hard for my father to change his behaviour. I genuinely want to have a better relationship with him, I just don't know how to do it. Has anyone successfully tried to work with an autistic parent to overcome similar challenges and build a functional adult relationship? I'd welcome any suggestions - books, articles, websites, podcasts, or personal experience.
My father is a retired professor who has a deep interest in his area of expertise (and not much else). He lives a few hours away and we don't see each other very often. He's rigid and inflexible and doesn't understand the impact of his behaviour on other people. This has been an ongoing theme throughout my life and has affected me profoundly.
My father's inflexibility and inability to consider my needs drives me crazy. He has no interest in the person I am, vs. the person he would prefer me to be. He frequently asks about my friends' academic pursuits but has no interest in my (non-academic) career. I have my own challenges, including a late-in-life ADHD diagnosis and being overly sensitive and emotionally reactive to chaos in my physical environment. I've tried to help my father understand how his behaviour affects me, without much luck.
Here's a typical cycle of behaviour: I'll be preparing a meal or a cup of tea for my parents when they visit, and my father will plant himself in the middle of the kitchen - think standing bang in the centre, generally getting underfoot, and forcing me to maneuver around him. I will ask him, politely, to please have a seat to the side, but he doesn't get the message and continues to be in the way. Eventually I get so frustrated and overstimulated that I snap at him, which my father takes very personally. He responds by freezing me out: the next time I see him he will completely ignore me. This can go on for a few months before he decides he wants to reengage. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I realize this may seem like a petty example. But it illustrates my father's disproportionate response to any criticism or expression of displeasure, and the fact that he doesn't (can't?) understand the concept of giving me space when I need it, even when asked specifically.
I recognize my own limitations and that it's hard for my father to change his behaviour. I genuinely want to have a better relationship with him, I just don't know how to do it. Has anyone successfully tried to work with an autistic parent to overcome similar challenges and build a functional adult relationship? I'd welcome any suggestions - books, articles, websites, podcasts, or personal experience.
I get the frustration. Here are some observations that may or may not help reduce it. There are some potential theory-of-mind mismatches in your example and description.
Although you use the word “inability”, it sounds like there’s an undercurrent of “if I only phrase it right, I’ll get through to him, and he’ll see the errors of his way and change” (and I realize my own potential failure of theory of mind and that I may be projecting). It may help you to try to let it sink in more that it may be a genuine inability; this would probably change your reaction quite a bit.
Also consider that him talking about your and your friends’ academic pursuits may be his attempt of relating to you. Depending on how clear and explicit your requests are, he may just not get it. If you don’t say why you want him to sit down, he may think it’s because you don’t want him to think he has to help you in the kitchen, or because you think he would be more comfortable, or because you’re a bit controlling, or any other reasons than “I need the space free to move around the kitchen to do my stuff and it’s more difficult for me when you stand there.”
You both seem to be taking things personally and react quite strongly. I think your best bet is to 1) work toward reframing and acceptance of shortcomings and search for reasons that are based on that instead of disapproval of you. 2) Be ridiculously explicit about what you need from him and why (with the caveat that direct demands can backfire), 3) work on your own resilience and emotional regulation. More easily said than done, but 1 and 2 could already go a long way. Good luck, this is tough.
posted by meijusa at 12:39 AM on March 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Although you use the word “inability”, it sounds like there’s an undercurrent of “if I only phrase it right, I’ll get through to him, and he’ll see the errors of his way and change” (and I realize my own potential failure of theory of mind and that I may be projecting). It may help you to try to let it sink in more that it may be a genuine inability; this would probably change your reaction quite a bit.
Also consider that him talking about your and your friends’ academic pursuits may be his attempt of relating to you. Depending on how clear and explicit your requests are, he may just not get it. If you don’t say why you want him to sit down, he may think it’s because you don’t want him to think he has to help you in the kitchen, or because you think he would be more comfortable, or because you’re a bit controlling, or any other reasons than “I need the space free to move around the kitchen to do my stuff and it’s more difficult for me when you stand there.”
You both seem to be taking things personally and react quite strongly. I think your best bet is to 1) work toward reframing and acceptance of shortcomings and search for reasons that are based on that instead of disapproval of you. 2) Be ridiculously explicit about what you need from him and why (with the caveat that direct demands can backfire), 3) work on your own resilience and emotional regulation. More easily said than done, but 1 and 2 could already go a long way. Good luck, this is tough.
posted by meijusa at 12:39 AM on March 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
And I know the issue with the concept of space was just one example, but spatial awareness goes down a lot with age. Standing in doorways, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, hovering, and just generally being in the way of people that have faster reflexes, better field of vision, hearing, proprioception. That’s all to be expected, though not easy to have understanding for in the moment. Any difficulty with taking other people’s perspectives and own interoception or other sensory issues can of course exacerbate that behavior and difficulty reading the room, as it were.
posted by meijusa at 1:08 AM on March 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by meijusa at 1:08 AM on March 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
I wouldn’t necessarily slap the label of ASD on a grown adult, and try to structure your intersections with them in said framework, without a diagnosis and without the person consenting to said diagnosis. Nothing you mentioned here specifically says ASD, though I know it’s hard to write it all out in a post. Rigid, inflexible are some characteristics that people on the spectrum have, yes, but can be indicative of other disorders or even just personality traits — as anecdata, I know a few older men who were likely neglected emotionally as a child and/ or put into structured environments where they weren’t able to express themselves emotionally, and are now just stereotypical inconsiderate, inflexible older men. Their emotional needs were not met as a child and therefore they don’t know how to cope with the needs of others.
Similarly, if I understand from your post, you are looking for resources to “work with an autistic parent” to change their behaviour, but it is not clear from your post whether your parent sees there’s a problem with their behaviour and wishes to change as well. I will say it’s a little like banging your head on an immovable object — you will just get frustrated and upset. I don’t know of any resources to change an unwilling party’s behaviour, only to accept and manage your reactions around them.
posted by moiraine at 1:27 AM on March 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
Similarly, if I understand from your post, you are looking for resources to “work with an autistic parent” to change their behaviour, but it is not clear from your post whether your parent sees there’s a problem with their behaviour and wishes to change as well. I will say it’s a little like banging your head on an immovable object — you will just get frustrated and upset. I don’t know of any resources to change an unwilling party’s behaviour, only to accept and manage your reactions around them.
posted by moiraine at 1:27 AM on March 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
In short (and I mean this with kindness), as I grow older, I have learned that I cannot change other people’s behaviours. I can only change my own and my reactions to other people’s behaviours.
This also means lowering expectations and learning to accept them as who they are. And also limiting my contact with them if needs must.
posted by moiraine at 1:36 AM on March 27, 2023 [6 favorites]
This also means lowering expectations and learning to accept them as who they are. And also limiting my contact with them if needs must.
posted by moiraine at 1:36 AM on March 27, 2023 [6 favorites]
If he is autistic, while this may feel kinda blunt and rude, rather than a 'suggestion' which is ambiguous and he may feel is for his comfort (eg he doesn't want to sit), it's often more effective to have really blunt rules for your own space and interactions, and be very obvious and steam roller-y about them.
So, rather than politely suggesting he sit (because he's in your way) -
With the subtext being that he can continue standing if he wants, but he has to do it *over there*...
Skip anything with subtext.
And state it like a rule for your space:
"In our kitchen/'as this is a small kitchen', when someone is cooking, guests need to move out of *this area* to give them space to cook. . Or - need to be in *that area*.
I have a family member, and it felt like they were, first of all, always very uncomfortable with guests, and second, they'd get me to help with things, but in a way where I was being set up to fail, as they'd get me to do things they were familiar with and I'd never done. They'd get frustrated and blow up at me eventually. I would offer to do things and that never worked.
Finally I started role playing the Unimpeachably Professional Guest.
How would a stranger/guest act, rather than a family member?
And then I steamrolled right past any betting set up for failure situations.
So I turned up with wine and more dressy than usual. Neither of us really drink wine, it doesn't matter, it's what a professional-looking guest would do. They were weirdly impressed, despite again, not drinking it.
I then outlined my plans for the next few days. I didn't seek any feedback on those plans like I normally would.
I brought ingredients and said that I'd be cooking the following night (which I had offered to do many times before) I made a vegetarian curry which he doesn't normally eat, but it's good, and again, established me as an adult guest, weirdly. I took on some tasks that I'm good at, and told him I wouldn't be doing the ones that I knew were going to repeat old patterns of going badly.
He was really pleased and the visit went really well, and I've used the same approach since then.
It seems like the seeking feedback and normal social negotiation had always f been a struggle for them, and further, they fell into routine behaviours even when it kept leading to poor outcomes.
They were happier with a clear plan that they couldn't change, kinda, because it provided more clarity.
What kind of person would your father behave better around? Can you pretend you are a visiting speaker/academic? Or railroad a few convos around to things where you actually have things you can talk about (and that might even relate to his interests), rather than the subjects you can't meaningfully contribute on, like other people's academic pursuits.
I have a lot of friends who are autistic. I get along well because I don't hint, and I am quite blunt and say immediately if they are making anyone uncomfortable. The direct communication is appreciated, because they *don't get hints*. They also know that I will straight up use my words, immediately, rather than possibly stewing on something and getting upset at them later, or suddenly breaking off contact.
I have been told many times that this is a relief, and part of why its less stressful being around me.
I can codeswitch, and that's not how I am everywhere, tho I do lean well into the honesty and not relying on subtext as it's useful in many social situations.
posted by Elysum at 3:14 AM on March 27, 2023 [22 favorites]
So, rather than politely suggesting he sit (because he's in your way) -
With the subtext being that he can continue standing if he wants, but he has to do it *over there*...
Skip anything with subtext.
And state it like a rule for your space:
"In our kitchen/'as this is a small kitchen', when someone is cooking, guests need to move out of *this area* to give them space to cook. . Or - need to be in *that area*.
I have a family member, and it felt like they were, first of all, always very uncomfortable with guests, and second, they'd get me to help with things, but in a way where I was being set up to fail, as they'd get me to do things they were familiar with and I'd never done. They'd get frustrated and blow up at me eventually. I would offer to do things and that never worked.
Finally I started role playing the Unimpeachably Professional Guest.
How would a stranger/guest act, rather than a family member?
And then I steamrolled right past any betting set up for failure situations.
So I turned up with wine and more dressy than usual. Neither of us really drink wine, it doesn't matter, it's what a professional-looking guest would do. They were weirdly impressed, despite again, not drinking it.
I then outlined my plans for the next few days. I didn't seek any feedback on those plans like I normally would.
I brought ingredients and said that I'd be cooking the following night (which I had offered to do many times before) I made a vegetarian curry which he doesn't normally eat, but it's good, and again, established me as an adult guest, weirdly. I took on some tasks that I'm good at, and told him I wouldn't be doing the ones that I knew were going to repeat old patterns of going badly.
He was really pleased and the visit went really well, and I've used the same approach since then.
It seems like the seeking feedback and normal social negotiation had always f been a struggle for them, and further, they fell into routine behaviours even when it kept leading to poor outcomes.
They were happier with a clear plan that they couldn't change, kinda, because it provided more clarity.
What kind of person would your father behave better around? Can you pretend you are a visiting speaker/academic? Or railroad a few convos around to things where you actually have things you can talk about (and that might even relate to his interests), rather than the subjects you can't meaningfully contribute on, like other people's academic pursuits.
I have a lot of friends who are autistic. I get along well because I don't hint, and I am quite blunt and say immediately if they are making anyone uncomfortable. The direct communication is appreciated, because they *don't get hints*. They also know that I will straight up use my words, immediately, rather than possibly stewing on something and getting upset at them later, or suddenly breaking off contact.
I have been told many times that this is a relief, and part of why its less stressful being around me.
I can codeswitch, and that's not how I am everywhere, tho I do lean well into the honesty and not relying on subtext as it's useful in many social situations.
posted by Elysum at 3:14 AM on March 27, 2023 [22 favorites]
You definitely don't want to get to a place of thinking there are magic words that will get the right response. But this made me laugh a little:
my father will plant himself in the middle of the kitchen - think standing bang in the centre, generally getting underfoot, and forcing me to maneuver around him. I will ask him, politely, to please have a seat to the side, but he doesn't get the message and continues to be in the way.
My dad does this! And is an academic who is sometimes just generally oblivious, but is also aware of this and is more likely to interpret a break down as something he contributed to. My mom's solution: she literally shoos him out of the kitchen or off to the side, wildly gesticulating and play scolding "In my way! In my way!"
I'm not sure the playful aspect would work as well with your dad, but maybe being more direct: "I need you to sit/stand over here for a minute." Maybe toss on a "Keep talking about X, but sit here, I'm going to be running around this space for a minute."
May not get the reaction you want, but maybe worth a shot to start being a bit more direct when you're not upset rather than gently hinting.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:00 AM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
my father will plant himself in the middle of the kitchen - think standing bang in the centre, generally getting underfoot, and forcing me to maneuver around him. I will ask him, politely, to please have a seat to the side, but he doesn't get the message and continues to be in the way.
My dad does this! And is an academic who is sometimes just generally oblivious, but is also aware of this and is more likely to interpret a break down as something he contributed to. My mom's solution: she literally shoos him out of the kitchen or off to the side, wildly gesticulating and play scolding "In my way! In my way!"
I'm not sure the playful aspect would work as well with your dad, but maybe being more direct: "I need you to sit/stand over here for a minute." Maybe toss on a "Keep talking about X, but sit here, I'm going to be running around this space for a minute."
May not get the reaction you want, but maybe worth a shot to start being a bit more direct when you're not upset rather than gently hinting.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:00 AM on March 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
Don't make hints to people who can't/don't take hints. Don't send subtext messages to people who don't/can't read subtext. Don't be subtle to a person who doesn't do subtle. Your dad doesn't do subtle. So be explicit.
In engineering this is called an impedance mismatch; a receiver cannot respond to signals that are not sent in a way it can handle. No amount of wishing will change this.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:42 AM on March 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
In engineering this is called an impedance mismatch; a receiver cannot respond to signals that are not sent in a way it can handle. No amount of wishing will change this.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:42 AM on March 27, 2023 [7 favorites]
My relationship with my very likely autistic mother changed dramatically for the better once I stopped needing her to be different. Were all of my needs met by her? No. Are all of my needs meet by anyone? No. Did I learn to meet her where she is and build a beautiful relationship? Oh yes. Absolutely yes. This is just my story, but we went from head-butting frustrated foes to cherished friends in a remarkably short period of time.
I stopped forming my expectations of her based on “how a mom is supposed to be” and paid more attention to uncovering my appreciation for the person she actually was.
I saw myself as an adult in the relationship and told her clearly as my needs arose. Very quickly, I came to understand her as someone who didn’t natively offer the stock script of mothering, but who loved me so, so much, and would absolutely meet my needs once I communicated them straight into her brain.
As an autistic person, I would encourage you to consider the signal-to-noise ratio in your habitual speech. So much of neurotypical politeness is actually obscuring the data in the message. So much of the drama in relationships happens between our own privately held expectations and our feelings.
“I am uncomfortable with where you are standing and would love to have you here with me but in that seat,” is a loving communication to me, but I get that such directness apparently usually is coded as rude in “polite” society. Eschew politeness. It’s not necessary for lovingness. Snapping in frustration after a period of politeness can be a shocking, painful transition for autistic people to experience. It makes perfect sense to me that a person might put a protective force field of non-engagement after an experience like that. If you want to tell your father about your career, don’t wait for him to ask.
Look over your post here and count the number of times you have spoken definitively about the inside of his mind, which you couldn’t possibly really know, or used an objective tense to describe stressors from him to you (forcing me to maneuver, freezing me out) when you might consider framing those things subjectively as being experiences that you FELT, stressors between your expectations and your feelings.
Theory of mind is largely a system of approximations and guesses. It’s not real. Failures go unreported because it’s very natural to be attached to a self-image as someone who knows what’s going on. That may sound both overly vague and harsh, but it’s not meant to be. I’m trying to encourage your empathy for the workings of a person (or persons) who may just be wired differently than you.
Try assuming your father’s responses are not disproportionate to his own experience. Learn about autism if you believe he’s autistic and want to relate. The double-empathy problem is a good place to start.
The hard thing about autistic people is that your unconscious social habits may not get you everything you need from us. A wonderful thing about autistic people is that once people establish some fluency in OUR language, we are found to be less likely to switch things up just to get an advantage in some way.
posted by droomoord at 6:44 AM on March 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
I stopped forming my expectations of her based on “how a mom is supposed to be” and paid more attention to uncovering my appreciation for the person she actually was.
I saw myself as an adult in the relationship and told her clearly as my needs arose. Very quickly, I came to understand her as someone who didn’t natively offer the stock script of mothering, but who loved me so, so much, and would absolutely meet my needs once I communicated them straight into her brain.
As an autistic person, I would encourage you to consider the signal-to-noise ratio in your habitual speech. So much of neurotypical politeness is actually obscuring the data in the message. So much of the drama in relationships happens between our own privately held expectations and our feelings.
“I am uncomfortable with where you are standing and would love to have you here with me but in that seat,” is a loving communication to me, but I get that such directness apparently usually is coded as rude in “polite” society. Eschew politeness. It’s not necessary for lovingness. Snapping in frustration after a period of politeness can be a shocking, painful transition for autistic people to experience. It makes perfect sense to me that a person might put a protective force field of non-engagement after an experience like that. If you want to tell your father about your career, don’t wait for him to ask.
Look over your post here and count the number of times you have spoken definitively about the inside of his mind, which you couldn’t possibly really know, or used an objective tense to describe stressors from him to you (forcing me to maneuver, freezing me out) when you might consider framing those things subjectively as being experiences that you FELT, stressors between your expectations and your feelings.
Theory of mind is largely a system of approximations and guesses. It’s not real. Failures go unreported because it’s very natural to be attached to a self-image as someone who knows what’s going on. That may sound both overly vague and harsh, but it’s not meant to be. I’m trying to encourage your empathy for the workings of a person (or persons) who may just be wired differently than you.
Try assuming your father’s responses are not disproportionate to his own experience. Learn about autism if you believe he’s autistic and want to relate. The double-empathy problem is a good place to start.
The hard thing about autistic people is that your unconscious social habits may not get you everything you need from us. A wonderful thing about autistic people is that once people establish some fluency in OUR language, we are found to be less likely to switch things up just to get an advantage in some way.
posted by droomoord at 6:44 AM on March 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
I agree strongly with the various suggestions above to aim for bluntness, clarity, and brevity when it comes to getting him to do concrete things.
As to the goal of developing a better relationship with him over all, I think you need to both agree to find a shared third interest. First of all, every relationship involves at least two people, and if he doesn’t think yours needs working on then you’re somewhat shit outta luck beyond adjusting your expectations and working on acceptance. But, if he does agree that he would like the two of you to be friendlier, or maybe more active in each others’ lives, or however you want to phrase it, then you may be able to make something work.
You say that he is always focused on his area of expertise, but don’t specify what that expertise is. Every area of study has connections to everything else, once you get deep enough. Is it possible that between your broader interests and his focused ones, there is even the smallest overlap? Also, even the most focused person generally has some method of relaxation or preferred entertainment - does he have anything like that, like maybe he likes a fiction author, or watching basketball, or doing puzzles? If the two of you can agree to go looking for something that you either have a common interest in, or that you could both enjoy together that isn’t about either of your areas of focus, you’ve got a solid entry point for improving things.
So for example let’s say that he is a crossword puzzler, does one every morning. You could start doing crosswords too, and then talk about this with him. You could both agree to work through sets of puzzles together, or challenge each other to have faster completion times via an app, or both read a book about the history of crosswords and discuss the book.
Maybe there is something you are into that he would be willing to engage with in this way, with the goal of getting closer to you. A tv show you could both watch and talk about, or a cuisine you love and he would like to try more of. Maybe there’s a part of your work that overlaps with his academic knowledge and you can uncover things about this together.
As you both engage in this third interest, you will generate a bunch of safe things to talk about and activities to do with or beside each other. You’ll both be actively thinking of each other in a proactive way. These things can all help build up social scripts, where people learn ways to interact and then we can apply these patterns in ever widening scenarios. It doesn’t always work like that but may help to define boundaries - he will learn good topics to interact with you about and be better able to avoid bad ones; you will be able to make memories of him listening attentively to you or sharing space harmoniously.
posted by Mizu at 9:05 AM on March 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
As to the goal of developing a better relationship with him over all, I think you need to both agree to find a shared third interest. First of all, every relationship involves at least two people, and if he doesn’t think yours needs working on then you’re somewhat shit outta luck beyond adjusting your expectations and working on acceptance. But, if he does agree that he would like the two of you to be friendlier, or maybe more active in each others’ lives, or however you want to phrase it, then you may be able to make something work.
You say that he is always focused on his area of expertise, but don’t specify what that expertise is. Every area of study has connections to everything else, once you get deep enough. Is it possible that between your broader interests and his focused ones, there is even the smallest overlap? Also, even the most focused person generally has some method of relaxation or preferred entertainment - does he have anything like that, like maybe he likes a fiction author, or watching basketball, or doing puzzles? If the two of you can agree to go looking for something that you either have a common interest in, or that you could both enjoy together that isn’t about either of your areas of focus, you’ve got a solid entry point for improving things.
So for example let’s say that he is a crossword puzzler, does one every morning. You could start doing crosswords too, and then talk about this with him. You could both agree to work through sets of puzzles together, or challenge each other to have faster completion times via an app, or both read a book about the history of crosswords and discuss the book.
Maybe there is something you are into that he would be willing to engage with in this way, with the goal of getting closer to you. A tv show you could both watch and talk about, or a cuisine you love and he would like to try more of. Maybe there’s a part of your work that overlaps with his academic knowledge and you can uncover things about this together.
As you both engage in this third interest, you will generate a bunch of safe things to talk about and activities to do with or beside each other. You’ll both be actively thinking of each other in a proactive way. These things can all help build up social scripts, where people learn ways to interact and then we can apply these patterns in ever widening scenarios. It doesn’t always work like that but may help to define boundaries - he will learn good topics to interact with you about and be better able to avoid bad ones; you will be able to make memories of him listening attentively to you or sharing space harmoniously.
posted by Mizu at 9:05 AM on March 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Your dad sounds a bit like my dad, minus the professor part.
What stuck out to me is that it sounds like both you and your dad are getting into negative feedback loops with each other, and you get deeper and deeper into them until you snap. Yes, your dad no doubt contributed, but your reaction to your dad in the example provided is somewhat intense - which isn't to say it's wrong, but as others have noted, there are more options than "politely make request and then simmer until you explode when request is ignored." As mentioned above, you can playfully shoo him away, be firm rather than polite, or I'd add, you can own your needs here "Hey dad, I realize you're likely in the kitchen because you're excited to talk with me and that's nice and all, but one thing I've learned since my diagnosis is how much I really need physical space - if you continue to stand in the middle of the kitchen, I'm going to end up snapping at you, and then we'll both feel bad - so please join mom in the dining room, thanks." This of course requires you to have a bit of foresight.
You might also, in a calm moment, try to have a conversation with your dad about how it seems like a lot of your clashes are due to how he is bad at listening/hearing your needs, and you have particular needs in terms of your personal space and the potential for feeling overstimulated. If you frame it as an "us problem" rather than a "him problem" he'll be more likely to be open to it. You can pledge to him that you'll make more of an effort to recognize when you're on the path to overstimulation so you can head off snapping at him - maybe even let him know that you'll try to get better at knowing when to say "Hey, I'm getting overstimulated, I really need you to hear me right now." And then you can ask him to get better at well, respecting you when you say that, but also forgiving you in moments that you snap - to work on realizing that it's not (entirely) personal.
In terms of connecting more with him - will he talk about the past? Often that can be a low-stress way to connect with older people.
posted by coffeecat at 10:16 AM on March 27, 2023
What stuck out to me is that it sounds like both you and your dad are getting into negative feedback loops with each other, and you get deeper and deeper into them until you snap. Yes, your dad no doubt contributed, but your reaction to your dad in the example provided is somewhat intense - which isn't to say it's wrong, but as others have noted, there are more options than "politely make request and then simmer until you explode when request is ignored." As mentioned above, you can playfully shoo him away, be firm rather than polite, or I'd add, you can own your needs here "Hey dad, I realize you're likely in the kitchen because you're excited to talk with me and that's nice and all, but one thing I've learned since my diagnosis is how much I really need physical space - if you continue to stand in the middle of the kitchen, I'm going to end up snapping at you, and then we'll both feel bad - so please join mom in the dining room, thanks." This of course requires you to have a bit of foresight.
You might also, in a calm moment, try to have a conversation with your dad about how it seems like a lot of your clashes are due to how he is bad at listening/hearing your needs, and you have particular needs in terms of your personal space and the potential for feeling overstimulated. If you frame it as an "us problem" rather than a "him problem" he'll be more likely to be open to it. You can pledge to him that you'll make more of an effort to recognize when you're on the path to overstimulation so you can head off snapping at him - maybe even let him know that you'll try to get better at knowing when to say "Hey, I'm getting overstimulated, I really need you to hear me right now." And then you can ask him to get better at well, respecting you when you say that, but also forgiving you in moments that you snap - to work on realizing that it's not (entirely) personal.
In terms of connecting more with him - will he talk about the past? Often that can be a low-stress way to connect with older people.
posted by coffeecat at 10:16 AM on March 27, 2023
If your dad is parking himself right in the aisle, you maybe want to try to figure out why he is doing it. He might be trying to get eye contact, because one or both of you using non-standard gaze patterns. He might be wanting to see your speak because he has auditory processing issues and is lip reading or using expression for cues to meaning. He might be awkwardly looking for more physical proximity. He might be trying to regain intensity in interacting with you, trying to stop you from escaping the intensity although you had enough and had dashed off to the kitchen with the excuse of making tea.
The first thing you might want to do is stop what you are doing, stand squarely facing him and stare him in the eyes and try to complete whatever the engagement is about. Basically, don't make tea, listen closely and stand at whatever distance he is comfortable with. It might just be that he isn't ready to let you take your attention off him, or that he is made uncomfortable by you waiting on him and is trying (unconsciously?) to stop you from making tea.
Other things you can try include:
Do a full 360* circle around him every time you need to cross the room. Pretend he's a maypole and do the full circuit each time. See how he reacts. Amused? Frustrated? Confused?
Physically take him and lead him to a chair or to a corner where he is out of the way, smile, push, keep chatting. Don't tell him that you need him to move, just trying steering him gently. If he objects tell him, "You are in front of the spoons."
Give him a hug every time you need to get around him. Extra affection time!
Listen to what he is saying. Parking himself in the way may be his method of indicating that what he is saying is very important and he needs you to listen. It's similar to the tag "by the way." For example if he is going on very boringly "I drove your mother up to her appointments again last week..." A few probing questions might reveal that there is something going on in that context, such as that he's not actually up to driving any more, or that the appointments concern a lump your mother found. Nothing serious, of course. He's not going to alarm you by telling you how scared they are.
Standing in the way could also be a power move. He could be essentially claiming power over the territory. He could be doing a dominance thing. Look at his posture? Is he actually challenging you?
He could be begging for attention like a dog when it places itself underfoot in the kitchen. Ask him if there is anything else he wants while you are up? Maybe he feels you are brushing him off when you had been having that really interesting conversation that was boring you to tears because it was all about academic achievements.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:08 PM on March 27, 2023 [6 favorites]
The first thing you might want to do is stop what you are doing, stand squarely facing him and stare him in the eyes and try to complete whatever the engagement is about. Basically, don't make tea, listen closely and stand at whatever distance he is comfortable with. It might just be that he isn't ready to let you take your attention off him, or that he is made uncomfortable by you waiting on him and is trying (unconsciously?) to stop you from making tea.
Other things you can try include:
Do a full 360* circle around him every time you need to cross the room. Pretend he's a maypole and do the full circuit each time. See how he reacts. Amused? Frustrated? Confused?
Physically take him and lead him to a chair or to a corner where he is out of the way, smile, push, keep chatting. Don't tell him that you need him to move, just trying steering him gently. If he objects tell him, "You are in front of the spoons."
Give him a hug every time you need to get around him. Extra affection time!
Listen to what he is saying. Parking himself in the way may be his method of indicating that what he is saying is very important and he needs you to listen. It's similar to the tag "by the way." For example if he is going on very boringly "I drove your mother up to her appointments again last week..." A few probing questions might reveal that there is something going on in that context, such as that he's not actually up to driving any more, or that the appointments concern a lump your mother found. Nothing serious, of course. He's not going to alarm you by telling you how scared they are.
Standing in the way could also be a power move. He could be essentially claiming power over the territory. He could be doing a dominance thing. Look at his posture? Is he actually challenging you?
He could be begging for attention like a dog when it places itself underfoot in the kitchen. Ask him if there is anything else he wants while you are up? Maybe he feels you are brushing him off when you had been having that really interesting conversation that was boring you to tears because it was all about academic achievements.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:08 PM on March 27, 2023 [6 favorites]
« Older Recommend me a book about making curry for friends | Inadequate health insurance coverage for... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
My dad is very likely autistic and is a 64 year old semi-retired computer programmer. He actively tries to respect my needs but it's still difficult. I do not enjoy unstructured "family time" with him (or my step-mother for that matter) but I have much more success in structured situations like restaurants where the social roles are more clear. Having television on during meals at home helps a lot as it gives him something to focus on.
If you're not already doing it, it might be helpful to talk to someone like a therapist about your feelings here. If you're anything like me, your frustration in these situations could be half based on what is going on in the moment and half based on your history together. Talking with therapists has helped me to separate that out and deal with the parts I have control over. Also, it's helped me realize that being ignored by someone who deeply frustrates me is not necessarily a bad thing.
I would suggest trying to make more specific goals for the relationship because trying to build a "functional adult relationship" is a pretty broad goal that comes with a lot of expectations about what those are supposed to look like. But, maybe there are more specific things you could work on like coming up with a protocol for when you feel overwhelmed. I've gotten to the point where I am almost always able to leave the room before I snap at my family. Yes it can be very awkward to abandon something and say you need a break, but the fact that I know I can do that lets me be more relaxed in these situations. Good luck, this is a tricky situation and hopefully other people have some specific resources.
posted by JZig at 12:26 AM on March 27, 2023 [6 favorites]