How do I best let go of wanting/needing to be in control all the time?

May 15, 2022 6:26 PM

After some musing and self-reflection, I'm a control freak. It comes from abandonment/not ever really feeling in control as a kid, being bullied and mistreated in middle school, and a family history of people needing to be in control. How do I let go of this?

I've started to notice lately that I've always had a tendency to get upset or frustrated internally if:

-Plans change
-People don't respond to texts, or flake out on plans
-Specific people, or people I really like, leaving parties early (thinking, hey YOLO, why are you leaving so early?)
-I see my friends being with other friends, and I wasn't invited
-Last minute surprises or changes (unless they work out in my favor)

Those issues has been present for as long as I remember, and as I'm approaching my late 30s, I want to fix this. I want to stop feeling hurt if people don't reply, flake out on plans, gather with others without inviting me, or don't respond in the way I want. On a logical level, I understand you can't control other people, but I think deep down, at the root, internally my subconscious has a hard time "understanding" this concept and really wants to be in control of everything. I think most of this stems from my mom, who always has a need to be in control all the time, and wants to know what people's plans are in advance, etc. This also stems from the other reasons in the summary above, and from being single and somewhat lonely, especially when most of my peers are married/have families now.

My need for control spills over externally in the form factor of me making advance plans with friends, putting everything on a calendar, following up if no responses come, and that kind of thing. I would like to say I do a good job of not showing resentment or upset when things happen, but I want to address the underlying core issue. It's been kind of a band-aid after band-aid over the years, but it's time to dig deep and really fix it.

I suspect a majority of responses would be "therapy", and that's fine. However, right now, my therapy is still on hold due to an appeals process, so I'm trying to seek out holistic (if that's the right word) or other suggestions that has helped others here to get over the need for control, and to accept/let go that people are different, and won't always respond in the way you expect or want. Links to Amazon books or whatnot is fine as well. I need that "AHA!" lightbulb moment where it finally sinks in, if that makes any sense.

I'm getting older now and am a bit concerned that the way I am is becoming more and more set in stone/will be harder to flex or loosen up as I age. Therefore, I'm asking for suggestions, because I really want to fix this aspect of myself.

Thank you!

posted by dubious_dude to Human Relations (17 answers total)

Practice.

Surely you've done these cycles long enough that, if you were honest with yourself, you KNOW what scenarios tend to play out in ways that are upsetting to you. For example, obviously it's frustrating to you to take the leadership position in social activities and then people flake. Go plan an outing, but this time have a plan in advance for the ways you're going to manage your feelings, extend compassion to others, and not pin your self-esteem on the actions of other people who are way more self-absorbed (as all humans are) than you want to give them credit for. Give yourself credit for being brave enough to take that leadership position when a lot of people are too afraid it won't be perfect to try at all.

Sit down and write down other ways you can frame this event than something to feed your ego. Plan something that you will enjoy even if nobody else shows up. Plan it knowing that some people will want and intend to go and then not be able to and feel sorry that they are missing out/that they have difficult or contradictory things going on rather than taking it personally. Make an agreement with yourself that you're not going to spend any time fleshing out details that won't matter if nobody else shows - this is also an exercise in trusting that the fine details of your plan can be solved on the fly.

That's all this stuff ever is, as far as the ground game for changing something you want to change about your behavior. Practice not doing the Thing, or doing the Thing, as applicable.

If you need a mantra, try this: don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Just aim for good. Are you going to feel fantastic about it every time? No. But can you strengthen the muscles of Dealing With It? Yep.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:13 PM on May 15, 2022 [3 favorites]

This is something I'm struggling with as well (also not able to see a therapist right now) so I don't really have any answers. But I can tell you what is helping a bit so far.
I try to accept that this part of me is unlikely to change or go away, so I focus on making sure that I'm not behaving in ways that's unfair to others or myself.
I tend to get caught in a feelings-loop of trying to tamp down or deny the upset feelings when they happen, which just makes them worse and last longer. So I try to accept what I'm feeling.
I speak to my partner about it later, when I'm no longer feeling upset, to find out his perspective on what happened.
Journaling helps to some extent, even if just giving me something to do with all those uncomfortable feelings.
For me, control is also very much about not wanting others to be angry at me,or judge me so I have to work pretty hard at accepting that I can be OK even if someone else is upset with me.
And I find that distracting myself with something indulgent and fun helps enormously when I'm caught in the feelings-loop.
Be kind to yourself, and good luck. <3
posted by Zumbador at 8:32 PM on May 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

Based on a recommendation in someone’s recent Ask, I picked up Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD. Whether or not that title resonates, the book is full of explanations of and concrete strategies to heal maladaptive coping mechanisms rooted in childhood traumas. Given your insight that these behaviors are rooted in abandonment and loss of control as a kid, this book might be helpful to you; it has already been helpful to me.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:49 PM on May 15, 2022 [8 favorites]

"inner child work" is basically the main keyword I would recommend for looking up resources. Being able to give yourself the loving, functional way of parenting that you needed that sets you up for good relationships with others.
posted by yueliang at 11:19 PM on May 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm a (mostly) recovered control freak, largely stemming from childhood instability.

Here are some things that worked for me:

1. I stopped expecting, or waiting for, a lightbulb moment. That's Hollywood, life is more of a slog where we try and fail and try again on a slow climb to becoming our best selves. Waiting for a lightbulb was setting myself up to fail.

2. I also stopped setting myself up to fail with other people, particularly where it comes to plans. I keep things loose and low key. Instead of a dinner party with a menu, or anything involving tickets, I say, "My town is having an event, come check it out, then come chill with us on the porch. I'll have some soft drinks and chips."

3. I fill my own cup. A big part of excessive expectations of others stems from not enough to occupy our own hearts and minds. It's why my nosier relatives hover at my elbow and nitpick everything I do, or why the Internet is full of Very Online picky-pouncers.

You touched on it some, in that you mentioned marriages and children among your friends, but there are as many ways to fill cups as there are people. Do you have dreams, goals, hobbies, something to learn, somewhere to see?

I have a spouse and child and health to manage, all of those things take bandwidth. But I also garden, even something as small as microgreens or herbs on a windowsill can help. Canning, cooking, volunteering, walking, whatever shape suits.
posted by champers at 3:52 AM on May 16, 2022 [7 favorites]

I also used to be very controlling, also no doubt due to childhood influence/survival tactic. But I've got past it pretty well I think.

I am extremely independent, it's probably my #1 personality trait. So I flip it around: how would I, a very independent person, feel knowing my [friend/acquaintance/family member] had this set of expectations for me? Pretty pissed off is how I would feel. So projecting the same ability for independent thought/decision making onto other people really helps to correct that pattern of thought. I don't make my decisions based on other people. Other people are not making their decisions based on me. Period.

And the farther I've gotten from school the more able I am to say to myself "this is not my job" and "no one is paying me to care about this" for work and group projects. If someone wants me to be a project manager, they can pay for that skill. I won't be volunteering it myself.
posted by phunniemee at 5:31 AM on May 16, 2022 [4 favorites]

Also for the making plans thing, cultivate your own interests and get ready to go to things alone. I do that all the time. Me and my interests first, then other people.

When/if something overlaps with a friend I'll shoot them a text and say "I just bought a ticket to [thing you might also like] for next Wednesday night, there are still a few more [link to thing]." Then they can decide to come, or not. I'm already going, I'm already happy. A friend deciding to join me is simply icing on the cake.
posted by phunniemee at 5:35 AM on May 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

For me, this is very anxiety-driven, and a lot of the answer is just "take my damn anti-anxiety meds", so I'll put that on the table for eventual discussion with your provider(s) when you work out those issues.

Otherwise, a few things I've observed/tried:

* Knowing/remembering that when I am surprised, my first reaction isn't inherently my actual reaction. If a plan changes at the last minute my first response is always going to be unhappiness, but it's absolutely worth giving myself ten minutes to let the information actually sink in before I respond. Sometimes the response is still "actually that sounds a lot less appealing to me, I'm going to just hang at home tonight, have fun!" but I would say at least half the time, given a few minutes for the initial response to ebb, I can actually get on board with whatever the new plan is and have a good time.

* Remembering that I don't know what's going on with other people, even people I'm close to. If someone leaves an event early they have a good reason for it. They're tired, or they have to get up early, or they have another obligation, or whatever. I trust my loved ones to know what's best for them, and I want what's best for them, and I will have other chances to spend time with them. I may have to explicitly remind myself that it's nothing to do with me or the event; they're taking care of themselves and I don't have to know why . (In fairness this one's easy for me because I'm often the one whose self-care involves leaving early; I'm sure it's harder if you're someone who likes to stay out until the very end of the party/event!)

* In a similar vein, while cognitive behavioral therapy as a whole hasn't been a great fit for me, I turned out to do very well with the exercise where you come up with alternate explanations for the thing that's upsetting you. My brain wants to tell me that friends hanging out without me means I'm annoying and they don't like me, or that someone not responding is because I'm not important to them, or whatever. My brain is a catastrophizing anxious asshole. So it really does help me to come up with three other explanations for the behavior. It may not help every time, but done consistently for a while, it does help me realize that things just aren't about me as often as I think they are.

* Tailor my plans to the people I'm planning with. A friend who's as into plans and punctuality as I am, is a friend I might make a "going to an event" plan with. A friend I know tends to flake is a friend with whom I make plans that won't be upset if they can't come, so I might invite them to something I'd also enjoy doing alone, or invite them over to my place so I'm not putting myself to any particular trouble, or invite them to a group thing. No matter who I'm with I'm probably planning to get myself there and back rather than carpool because I know myself well enough to know that I will feel happier if I'm not reliant on someone else to get places, so I cheerfully plan to meet people places and give myself time for a leisurely bus ride with a good book.
posted by Stacey at 5:38 AM on May 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

Going to Al-Anon meetings has helped ease my control-freak tendencies. Meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families might be a good fit if your family had no alcoholics but many control issues.

Al-Anon helped because I grew up with few or no emotional boundaries. No one had modelled for me what healthy, non-controlling behaviour looked like. I am not perfect by any means but these days I usually delete the unsolicited texts telling my adult kid what to do rather than send them. That is a huge personal victory.

Another big help is learning to limit my expectations, and learning to respect my friends and family members as independent humans who make different choices than I would and that is, truly, okay. It has to be if I value my own agency. It took a while but I have gotten better; you can too!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:56 AM on May 16, 2022 [2 favorites]

Practice. My brother wore a rubber band on his wrist, snapped it when he was engaging in an unwanted habit. Reward yourself when you remember to say Where would you like to go?, How do you thing we should do this?, etc.

Talk to close friends about how you're trying to be more collaborative, ask for encouragement and support.
posted by theora55 at 8:08 AM on May 16, 2022

learning to respect my friends and family members as independent humans who make different choices than I would

I thought about this too, later, after my answer: especially with regard to dependencies on other humans, make sure you're meeting them where THEY are or at least where you think they can meet you, and not where you'd like them to be.

Example: I have a close friend with chronic migraine. We all know what a shit situation this is for them, we know they feel bad about their high hit-rate of cancellations or changed plans, and we also know sometimes they choose to power through (probably about half for their partner and us, half for not letting the fucking migraine win sometimes). We just make a Plan B every time, knowing either that Plan A can't happen at all or needs to be abandoned partway through because it is too loud/bright/hot/cold to power through. That's just how it is, better we plan for it than it be An Ordeal if it needs to change.

Another example: I'm not very often your Event Friend. Except sometimes I really want to do something and I need you to also be doing it or I will talk myself out of it. It's complicated. But most of the time I'd rather we just have a chill lunch or go to the park. I'm not always great at remembering to reach out, but I am highly responsive to "hey, let's aim for lunch or something the 3rd weekend every month" and then I'm the one emailing YOU saying "what do you want to do for the lunch this month?".

Understand where your friends are at and cultivate engagement at a level you know is far more likely to be successful.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:32 AM on May 16, 2022 [1 favorite]

In my experience, this has improved somewhat through better management of my anxiety. For me, that means medication and therapy. The medication has made the biggest difference. It lowers the overall level of anxiety to a point where usually I can do some helpful self-talk. Before, I was too flooded to effectively do any of the skills I was taught in therapy. I'm on an anti-depressant, which also happens to help with anxiety. It has been life changing. Might be something to consider talking to a doctor about. No need to wait for a therapist of psychiatrist--anyone who can prescribe medicines could advise you and give you something to try.
posted by purple_bird at 9:54 AM on May 16, 2022 [2 favorites]

Seconding Al-Anon or similar kind of group. Also, not a total lightbulb moment but I had a counselor who reminded me many times that "everyone gets to make their own decisions." I repeat this to myself when I feel the urge to give unsolicited advice or opinions. And know that once in a while giving up trying to control things actually results in feelings of freedom and peace rather than anxiety.
posted by a fish out of water at 2:59 PM on May 16, 2022 [2 favorites]

You wrote, "I want to stop feeling hurt..."

Here's the truth: we can't make ourselves feel, or not feel, any particular feeling. And no-one can make us feel a certain way, either. We are responsible for our own emotions.

Feelings come and go, they're like the weather. Feelings are not facts, AND we can change how we feel by changing how we think - changing the story we are telling ourselves. Someone upthread mentioned CBT - there are some really good workbooks out there that you can probably get second-hand for cheap. Highly recommended.
posted by acridrabbit at 7:15 PM on May 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

Do you set and maintain your own boundaries? Sometimes the control-frustration I feel at other people stems from their ability to hold boundaries that I’m bad at setting for myself.

“Why isn’t my supervisor working as hard as I am to make sure we’re ready by the end of the quarter?!” looks a hell of a lot different from the perspective of “My supervisor leaves the office at 5pm instead of staying late like I do - perhaps I should tell him that there aren’t enough hours to complete what was expected and work with him to prioritize what can be done now and what can be done later.”

See also, “Why did my best friend from out of town cancel plans at the last minute?!” seen instead as, “My best friend has been attending a huge conference and must be tired. I’m glad she’s opting to rest instead of overextending herself to meet up in person like I usually do - I am inspired to make that choice for myself in future, and to trust that my friends will still love me. We can get creative and have a lovely Zoom-date later!”

Etc. You’ve got this!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:58 PM on May 17, 2022 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Very helpful answers, thank you!
posted by dubious_dude at 12:44 PM on May 19, 2022 [1 favorite]

When my control-freak tendencies are driving me nuts, I sort of break the ice by giving up control in small ways. Like I'll put my music on shuffle and actually listen all the way through to an album that comes up.Order something different at a restaurant. Read a book without reading reviews first. Once you do these little things, you start to see that the world doesn't collapse if you're not in full control.
posted by mermaidcafe at 9:57 PM on May 21, 2022 [2 favorites]