Stuck on something from the past
March 15, 2023 4:17 AM Subscribe
I was in a relationship around 7 years ago that didn't end well. I find that the relationship/person is constantly on my mind and I can't seem to shake it. Are there any practical techniques I can use to help shift this?
I'm embarrassed to write this as it was so long ago but I am still stuck thinking/dwelling/ruminating on a previous relationship which i think could be called toxic. I have moved on with my life in many ways and I've never been in contact with this person since and yet she and the relationship/break up are always on my mind. I've done a bit of counselling ...read a few self help books and even done some EDMR therapy all to no avail. It's so weird as I'm not consciously trying to think about it (at least I don't think I am) and yet it's always there like a radio playing in the background of my mind that I can't switch off. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's gone on for far too long and I'd like to unstick myself.
I'm embarrassed to write this as it was so long ago but I am still stuck thinking/dwelling/ruminating on a previous relationship which i think could be called toxic. I have moved on with my life in many ways and I've never been in contact with this person since and yet she and the relationship/break up are always on my mind. I've done a bit of counselling ...read a few self help books and even done some EDMR therapy all to no avail. It's so weird as I'm not consciously trying to think about it (at least I don't think I am) and yet it's always there like a radio playing in the background of my mind that I can't switch off. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's gone on for far too long and I'd like to unstick myself.
There are many approaches to this, I'm sure (and I'll be interested to read what people bring up), but what kind of counseling/books did you encounter? I ask because in my experience with therapy I gained an awareness that the 'ruminative voice' in my head isn't the same as the interior voice that I consciously control. Put another way: you are not your thoughts. The kind of therapy that I engage with is ACT, and it gives a lot of discussion time to this notion. That's because there really may not be much we can do to change how thoughts pop into our minds, but we don't have to wait for those involuntary thought processes to be in some correct state before we can take actions that ensure we're living in line with what we want out of life. YOu'll hear a lot of tug-of-war metaphors, because instead of engaging in this battle with your very noisy unconscious, associative, verbal mind, you can "drop the rope" as it were. Don't try to win the war Try not to engage with it. Learn strategies that help you disengage with it (there are a lot of them!).
Searching for a solution that would allow us to "switch off" these thoughts is behind a lot of addiction, avoidance, misery, regret, pain. But we can't do that. It's an unachievable goal. Past events are part of the material that our brains have to work with from now on, and no matter how grievous that's how they'll be. If you're interested in poking around in ACT, I reccomend this workbook all the time. The author, Dr. Steven Hayes, has a good book about it (that's not a self-help book or workbook, but rather an explanation of what I tried to summarize above in much more detail). He's also all over youtube (so is ACT) if you'd like to dip in that way.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:30 AM on March 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Searching for a solution that would allow us to "switch off" these thoughts is behind a lot of addiction, avoidance, misery, regret, pain. But we can't do that. It's an unachievable goal. Past events are part of the material that our brains have to work with from now on, and no matter how grievous that's how they'll be. If you're interested in poking around in ACT, I reccomend this workbook all the time. The author, Dr. Steven Hayes, has a good book about it (that's not a self-help book or workbook, but rather an explanation of what I tried to summarize above in much more detail). He's also all over youtube (so is ACT) if you'd like to dip in that way.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:30 AM on March 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sometimes this happens to me not because I still have stuff to work out, but because I've gotten in the habit of that being my go-to rumination. I can break it by having a go-to other thing to think about (like, planning my garden) which I switch to immediately when I notice I'm thinking about the habitual thing. Over the course of a few weeks it significantly reduces the frequency of the rumination.
posted by metasarah at 5:30 AM on March 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 5:30 AM on March 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
Something like this has happened to me before and I found journaling about it really helpful. Writing helps me to get it out of my system - its cathartic. As a writing prompt, when you notice a thought about them, pay attention to where you are, what you're doing and how your body feels. Was there a trigger that remindes you of them? Or maybe there wasn't. When you're able to, write it down. For me, pen and paper work better than typing in my phone or computer but YMMV.
What to do with it afterwards: shove it in your closet, bury it in the ground, burn it, rip it up onto pieces. You can make your own ritual. If you typed it, you can bury it somewhere in your files or delete it afterwards.
posted by foxjacket at 6:51 AM on March 15, 2023
What to do with it afterwards: shove it in your closet, bury it in the ground, burn it, rip it up onto pieces. You can make your own ritual. If you typed it, you can bury it somewhere in your files or delete it afterwards.
posted by foxjacket at 6:51 AM on March 15, 2023
Seconding the journaling advice. Something I found that journaling works really well for is tricking you into thinking about the thing you're writing about; most of the time if you're ruminating, you're just kind of wordlessly feeling things, but writing means you have to find words for it, and that tricks you into thinking about it. So you end up going from feeling this sort of wordless lizard-brain euuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuurg that isn't really about anything, to writing "GOD I hated when he did XYZ" and that can make you realize "oh, THAT'S something I hadn't considered before." And best of all, when you're done you can close the book and walk away and leave all that euuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuurg behind.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:38 AM on March 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:38 AM on March 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
my experience: my shrink i spent many sessions going over this. came to something like, "it's not truly the relationship you're 'obsessing' about, it's the intensity of feeling that's available when you focus on it."
so, maybe add something to your life that supplants that. shrugs.
best - j_
posted by j_curiouser at 11:36 AM on March 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
so, maybe add something to your life that supplants that. shrugs.
best - j_
posted by j_curiouser at 11:36 AM on March 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'm embarrassed to write this as it was so long ago but I am still stuck thinking/dwelling/ruminating on a previous relationship which i think could be called toxic.
Do you think it's possible that these things are related, that your embarrassment or shame about your rumination is making it stick more in your head?
I've also been in the situation of being stuck on a previous relationship. Mine was pretty brief, and I think the intensity of it all, and the ending before I had much of a chance to even be in it fully, made it hard for me to let go. I read a LOT about closure and trying to come to terms with the end of a relationship. Here's what I came up with:
First, how to deal with the intrusive thoughts when they come up:
Most important, try not to judge yourself for having these thoughts. Observe them. "Oh, look, there's a thought about Person X again." (This is the mindfulness approach.)
You can also add an extra good wish. So that would be, "Oh look, there's a thought about Person X again. I do wish them well. I hope they are content in this life." (Is this maybe ... Buddhist? I don't know. If you have negative feelings about this person and the relationship, this is part of actively trying to reframe it all.)
Next, visualizations:
Someone on here (can't remember who, sorry!) had a great idea for break up recovery. They said they imagined the person getting an an old-fashioned ship, like they were taking a great sea voyage in the olden days, where they would be no way you'd interact or be in touch with them. They imagined themselves saying goodbye and wishing the person well. While this was focused on the immediate aftermath of a break-up, I do think this could serve you well, too. You could imagine the person boarding the ship, and they are carrying a suitcase full of your thoughts of them and they're taking that suitcase on the boat. You wish them and the suitcase a bon voyage. Whenever the intrusive thoughts pop up, you think, "Oh, they forgot some of this. I'll pack this into a new suitcase and send it onto the ship with them." Like, literally visualize them carrying your metaphorical baggage of them.
And, journaling:
Write it all out. Instead of trying to avoid or flee from these thoughts, write them down. Keep a notebook with you and write this stuff out. If you want to visualize getting it out of your head, then do that. But just pour it all out on paper. You can do this in dribs and drabs if you'd like. Maybe take note of when you think of this person. When you are hungry or tired? Bored? Etc. You have some feelings that you haven't really processed or accepted, and this is part of expressing it all, in writing, without censoring yourself. And maybe you'll see a pattern.
Last, writing a story or storytelling:
Write a letter (THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEND! THIS IS IMPORTANT!) to the person, telling them everything they meant to you, good and bad, everything you loved and hated about them. Writing by hand is good, but type if that's easier and you can print it. Then, you need to do something meaningful with this letter. Tear into a thousand pieces on top of a hill. Bury in the mud. Burn it. Whatever. You choose. But what's important is that you say it all and then toss it away.
Another version of this I heard somewhere said that some group of people (possibly made up) had a ritual when something bad happened to someone. The person got to tell the whole story, three different times. And after the third time, that was it. They were then expected to move forward. So, think about if you can enlist three friends to help with this, as listeners, or maybe you could find someone here. Tell each one the story, so you tell the story three times. I think this might work for you, because I think the shame is part of the problem, and telling your friends the story would force you to work through the shame because you are shining some light on it.
And those are my best ideas. Ultimately, it might be worth thinking about if there are other things that you feel ashamed about, or other things you are avoiding, in thinking about this person. Is it a distraction from other problems in your life? These thoughts are maybe serving you somehow, so if you can figure out why, that might help too. Good luck, friend.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:37 PM on March 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Do you think it's possible that these things are related, that your embarrassment or shame about your rumination is making it stick more in your head?
I've also been in the situation of being stuck on a previous relationship. Mine was pretty brief, and I think the intensity of it all, and the ending before I had much of a chance to even be in it fully, made it hard for me to let go. I read a LOT about closure and trying to come to terms with the end of a relationship. Here's what I came up with:
First, how to deal with the intrusive thoughts when they come up:
Most important, try not to judge yourself for having these thoughts. Observe them. "Oh, look, there's a thought about Person X again." (This is the mindfulness approach.)
You can also add an extra good wish. So that would be, "Oh look, there's a thought about Person X again. I do wish them well. I hope they are content in this life." (Is this maybe ... Buddhist? I don't know. If you have negative feelings about this person and the relationship, this is part of actively trying to reframe it all.)
Next, visualizations:
Someone on here (can't remember who, sorry!) had a great idea for break up recovery. They said they imagined the person getting an an old-fashioned ship, like they were taking a great sea voyage in the olden days, where they would be no way you'd interact or be in touch with them. They imagined themselves saying goodbye and wishing the person well. While this was focused on the immediate aftermath of a break-up, I do think this could serve you well, too. You could imagine the person boarding the ship, and they are carrying a suitcase full of your thoughts of them and they're taking that suitcase on the boat. You wish them and the suitcase a bon voyage. Whenever the intrusive thoughts pop up, you think, "Oh, they forgot some of this. I'll pack this into a new suitcase and send it onto the ship with them." Like, literally visualize them carrying your metaphorical baggage of them.
And, journaling:
Write it all out. Instead of trying to avoid or flee from these thoughts, write them down. Keep a notebook with you and write this stuff out. If you want to visualize getting it out of your head, then do that. But just pour it all out on paper. You can do this in dribs and drabs if you'd like. Maybe take note of when you think of this person. When you are hungry or tired? Bored? Etc. You have some feelings that you haven't really processed or accepted, and this is part of expressing it all, in writing, without censoring yourself. And maybe you'll see a pattern.
Last, writing a story or storytelling:
Write a letter (THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEND! THIS IS IMPORTANT!) to the person, telling them everything they meant to you, good and bad, everything you loved and hated about them. Writing by hand is good, but type if that's easier and you can print it. Then, you need to do something meaningful with this letter. Tear into a thousand pieces on top of a hill. Bury in the mud. Burn it. Whatever. You choose. But what's important is that you say it all and then toss it away.
Another version of this I heard somewhere said that some group of people (possibly made up) had a ritual when something bad happened to someone. The person got to tell the whole story, three different times. And after the third time, that was it. They were then expected to move forward. So, think about if you can enlist three friends to help with this, as listeners, or maybe you could find someone here. Tell each one the story, so you tell the story three times. I think this might work for you, because I think the shame is part of the problem, and telling your friends the story would force you to work through the shame because you are shining some light on it.
And those are my best ideas. Ultimately, it might be worth thinking about if there are other things that you feel ashamed about, or other things you are avoiding, in thinking about this person. Is it a distraction from other problems in your life? These thoughts are maybe serving you somehow, so if you can figure out why, that might help too. Good luck, friend.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:37 PM on March 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: For me, I think I got stuck in ruminating about a past relationship because I hadn't forgiven myself for my role in what went wrong. I had kind of gotten stuck into feeling like it was all my fault, and feeling guilt and shame, and that's why I kept going back to thinking about it. So I gave myself some compassion for my shortcomings (I wasn't perfect but I did the best I could, given what resources I had at the time) and also kind of drew some lines about what was on the other person and therefore not mine to carry any more (honestly, they didn't try their best). It took a few times, since my brain was in the habit of going back to think about it, and each time I reminded myself that I tried my best and they didn't and that's that. And like magic, over just a few days the rumination just kind of dried up and went away and hasn't been back.
posted by (F)utility at 6:28 PM on March 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by (F)utility at 6:28 PM on March 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
When I was struggling to accept some decisions I have made I the past and the route my life went, my therapist recommended lifespan integration as a way to go back though those things and come to terms with them. I ended up not doing it due to reasons unrelatedto the therapy and therapist, but it seemed like a great idea and I was looking forward to it. Might be worth looking into.
posted by CleverClover at 7:53 PM on March 15, 2023
posted by CleverClover at 7:53 PM on March 15, 2023
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posted by kokaku at 4:27 AM on March 15, 2023 [10 favorites]