Moving in together - trial runs
March 10, 2023 3:36 PM Subscribe
I (44 yo F) and SO (47 yo M) are contemplating co-habitation. There are a LOT of logistics to work out (this is me), but his lease is up in August and I'd like to start thinking about steps we can take now to sort through this. One of the things I'd really like is for him to spend way more time over here, but of course its complicated.
SO has part-time custody of a 16 year old child. Between us, we have 6 pets (all boys) including these two puppers (big one is mine) and 2 cats a piece. One of his cats is diabetic and requires twice a day insulin; his dog cannot currently be left alone at my house for reasons that we are trying to work on. My dog is 14 and cannot navigate the stairs at SO's house. SO would move into my house if we are able to sort all of this out.
All this being said, he typically spends 6-7 nights a month at my house, usually in 2-3 night increments. When he does stay over, he has to make 2 trips a day to his house for cats, and if we want to go anywhere, we have to drop his dog off his place and then go pick him up before coming back to my place. This very much limits fun nights out where we can go have drinks and uber/walk.
In an ideal world he'd start spending a lot of time here, like a week at a time when he doesn't have his child. But...how? I don't think bringing his cats back and forth is great for anyone and that's assuming we can get his dog to the point where he can be crated here while we go out and do things. Trial runs are pretty important, since I wouldn't want him to a) give up his apartment and b) uproot his son if there's a chance that we just can't make 6 animals and 3 humans fit in my 1,000 sq foot house (see previous question linked above for details).
Buying a bigger place is on the table, but not for another year or two - by that time kiddo may be in college and we may be down a few fur-kids due to age, so it might not even matter. I guess we could just throw care out the window, pull the trigger on him moving in, and hope for the best, but my type-A planner scientist brain is terrified of that idea. Am I silly to even push for this now? All ideas welcome!
SO has part-time custody of a 16 year old child. Between us, we have 6 pets (all boys) including these two puppers (big one is mine) and 2 cats a piece. One of his cats is diabetic and requires twice a day insulin; his dog cannot currently be left alone at my house for reasons that we are trying to work on. My dog is 14 and cannot navigate the stairs at SO's house. SO would move into my house if we are able to sort all of this out.
All this being said, he typically spends 6-7 nights a month at my house, usually in 2-3 night increments. When he does stay over, he has to make 2 trips a day to his house for cats, and if we want to go anywhere, we have to drop his dog off his place and then go pick him up before coming back to my place. This very much limits fun nights out where we can go have drinks and uber/walk.
In an ideal world he'd start spending a lot of time here, like a week at a time when he doesn't have his child. But...how? I don't think bringing his cats back and forth is great for anyone and that's assuming we can get his dog to the point where he can be crated here while we go out and do things. Trial runs are pretty important, since I wouldn't want him to a) give up his apartment and b) uproot his son if there's a chance that we just can't make 6 animals and 3 humans fit in my 1,000 sq foot house (see previous question linked above for details).
Buying a bigger place is on the table, but not for another year or two - by that time kiddo may be in college and we may be down a few fur-kids due to age, so it might not even matter. I guess we could just throw care out the window, pull the trigger on him moving in, and hope for the best, but my type-A planner scientist brain is terrified of that idea. Am I silly to even push for this now? All ideas welcome!
Can you build an air-conditioned shed in the backyard?
Six animals in that space sounds intolerable and unfair to ask of the teenager.
posted by flimflam at 4:01 PM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Six animals in that space sounds intolerable and unfair to ask of the teenager.
posted by flimflam at 4:01 PM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Maybe look at housing alternatives? Does it have to be your 1000 sqft house? Could you rent out your current place and then rent a larger place that is actually big enough to accommodate 3 humans and 6 pets? I'll be honest, this simply sounds like a too many living creatures in a given space problem, and the solution for that is either have fewer living creatures or have more space. I'm the biggest pet lover there is, and would do anything for my furbabies, but 6 in that space with all these various issues to work around sounds like its defying the laws of physics and sanity. Will the cats even be able to get along? Even that sounds risky without some jackson galaxy level mojo, ignoring the dogs completely.
posted by cgg at 4:14 PM on March 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by cgg at 4:14 PM on March 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
I'm a big fan of getting a new place together. When one person moves into the other's home, it never feels like "ours". Is there any chance of finding a place to rent together that's large enough? Live there until you're ready to buy a place together?
Alternately, do you have enough yard space that you could build an addition to the home?
posted by hydra77 at 4:15 PM on March 10, 2023 [6 favorites]
Alternately, do you have enough yard space that you could build an addition to the home?
posted by hydra77 at 4:15 PM on March 10, 2023 [6 favorites]
This sounds pretty intolerable for the pets, and if you really think they don’t have much longer, I might just sit tight for another year in your shoes and try to let the senior animals live out their final year or so in comfort and familiar surroundings while you save up for a move. I would consider a pet sitter who can care for his pets at their own home for a few days at a time, so he can increase time spent with you that way.
posted by Stacey at 4:31 PM on March 10, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 4:31 PM on March 10, 2023 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Not thread sitting but a few more relevant details: I *could* build a shed and am considering that for my home office (I WFH full time), but not sure it solves anything unless flimflam was thinking of putting my boyfriend and a cat or two out there. :)
Housing alternatives are not an option for another 1-2 years; I just bought my house 2 years ago and thanks to massive insurance hikes post-hurricane Ida and our city getting taken over by AirBnBs, I can't rent it out for enough to cover my mortgage. Renting a different place would be tough with 6 animals. House addition would be out of my price range since I am in a historic district and also on a tiny lot (would have to build up if I could even get a permit). I am planning to buy a bigger place down the road, but my finances aren't there yet (housing is not cheap here and I am primary earner).
I agree that 8 mammals in a small 2 bedroom is not really manageable. I guess I am trying to come up with a solution that isn't "wait until some number of pets have passed away (only 2 are senior)", but that may be the only option.
posted by tryniti at 4:31 PM on March 10, 2023
Housing alternatives are not an option for another 1-2 years; I just bought my house 2 years ago and thanks to massive insurance hikes post-hurricane Ida and our city getting taken over by AirBnBs, I can't rent it out for enough to cover my mortgage. Renting a different place would be tough with 6 animals. House addition would be out of my price range since I am in a historic district and also on a tiny lot (would have to build up if I could even get a permit). I am planning to buy a bigger place down the road, but my finances aren't there yet (housing is not cheap here and I am primary earner).
I agree that 8 mammals in a small 2 bedroom is not really manageable. I guess I am trying to come up with a solution that isn't "wait until some number of pets have passed away (only 2 are senior)", but that may be the only option.
posted by tryniti at 4:31 PM on March 10, 2023
I don't think you're silly for push for this now because you two are very happy together!! It sounds like you two are such a great match and it's understandable and positive that you want to spend more time together. And omg what cute pups!!
To me, the person who should be the focus here is his child: they are almost an adult but the last two years of high school are so important and so stressful. Unless the child is the one really pushing for all living together asap, I'd wait the next 1.5-2.5 years until they graduate. I know that's super disappointing but it sounds best for the kid. Fortunately, that time isn't far away! I agree that waiting sounds best for the pets, too, although you can always explore various options in the meantime. I know it's hard to wait but, if you plan to stay forever and the topic of having bio kids isn't on the table, you really have so so much time. Rushing now could make your immediate future hard but waiting probably wouldn't feel like a big deal when looking back.
posted by smorgasbord at 4:58 PM on March 10, 2023 [32 favorites]
To me, the person who should be the focus here is his child: they are almost an adult but the last two years of high school are so important and so stressful. Unless the child is the one really pushing for all living together asap, I'd wait the next 1.5-2.5 years until they graduate. I know that's super disappointing but it sounds best for the kid. Fortunately, that time isn't far away! I agree that waiting sounds best for the pets, too, although you can always explore various options in the meantime. I know it's hard to wait but, if you plan to stay forever and the topic of having bio kids isn't on the table, you really have so so much time. Rushing now could make your immediate future hard but waiting probably wouldn't feel like a big deal when looking back.
posted by smorgasbord at 4:58 PM on March 10, 2023 [32 favorites]
Given the logistical frustrations of him spending more time at your place now, I don't think it would be a great trial run like you're hoping for. You wouldn't know if it sucks due to the temporary logistics or because it's a bad idea altogether.
posted by metasarah at 5:03 PM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 5:03 PM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I do agree with smorgasbord about the child's feelings. Do you live in the same town so the kid can still attend the same school? That would be my utmost concern; it is hard enough to be a teenager - being uprooted so close to the end of high school would be harder. I would hope the second bedroom would be exclusively theirs if they do move in.
But that being said: my house is 24 x 48 feet (I do have three bedrooms, but my living room/kitchen/dining area are open concept) and I have five cats, and at one point a large dog as well as two other kids and a husband. You can make it work. Cats laze around most of the day anyway. And no, not all of mine get along (they all were homeless/abandoned/showed up at various points). Dogs too, especially old ones, laze around most of the day and aren't active. So I think it may not be as bad as you fear.
Would it be possible to introduce one of his cats to your household for now? Let it actually live at your place, and eventually bring over the other cat? That would be a slow introduction and he wouldn't have to schlep cats across town every few days. The dog is trickier..maybe move more and more of your guy's belongings to your house so the dog gets more used to it?
I understand your anxiety, but I really feel this can be done with careful planning and forethought. Best of luck!
posted by annieb at 5:15 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
But that being said: my house is 24 x 48 feet (I do have three bedrooms, but my living room/kitchen/dining area are open concept) and I have five cats, and at one point a large dog as well as two other kids and a husband. You can make it work. Cats laze around most of the day anyway. And no, not all of mine get along (they all were homeless/abandoned/showed up at various points). Dogs too, especially old ones, laze around most of the day and aren't active. So I think it may not be as bad as you fear.
Would it be possible to introduce one of his cats to your household for now? Let it actually live at your place, and eventually bring over the other cat? That would be a slow introduction and he wouldn't have to schlep cats across town every few days. The dog is trickier..maybe move more and more of your guy's belongings to your house so the dog gets more used to it?
I understand your anxiety, but I really feel this can be done with careful planning and forethought. Best of luck!
posted by annieb at 5:15 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Is it possible for him to rent an apartment closer to you and keep the teen in the same school? Still disruptive to his fam, but maybe an okay trade off?
I think the teen needs more consideration than the pets. Do you spend a lot of time with them already? Do you get along? I think you buried the lede a bit here.
posted by momus_window at 5:25 PM on March 10, 2023 [15 favorites]
I think the teen needs more consideration than the pets. Do you spend a lot of time with them already? Do you get along? I think you buried the lede a bit here.
posted by momus_window at 5:25 PM on March 10, 2023 [15 favorites]
Just thinking some more about this, because I want this to work for your ya'lls sake... I dont think trial runs with cats will work. Cats do not do well with change. Cats do not commute (I actually tried this once, taking my cat "home" every other weekend. I'm pretty sure I drove my poor cat insane and she didn't really recover until she had some stability for many months). For their sake, I think you need to do a bunch of prep work and then make a single change and commit to it.
The good thing about cats is that you can easily get them more square footage by going up. Catios in the windows. Cat shelves and cat trees. Furniture (tops of bookcases, TV units, the top of the fridge, etc) they can be on. Heck, you could even get a bunk bed for the cats, and put your work desk under it (and i dunno, put another litter box up there as well?) With two dogs, the cats absolutely 10000% need some space they can exist where the dogs cannot.
Now that the cats are off the floor, you just need to figure out the dog situation. For that, I would start looking into separation anxiety protocols. There's a ton of info out there, but it basically amounts to making sure pupper is tired, and then leaving them alone for very very short times (i'm talking seconds here) and graaaaduallly work up to a minute, 2, 5, 10, etc until they're up to 4 hours or so. This is gonna take time, so start now and maybe you'll have enough progress by August!
Good luck!
posted by cgg at 6:33 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
The good thing about cats is that you can easily get them more square footage by going up. Catios in the windows. Cat shelves and cat trees. Furniture (tops of bookcases, TV units, the top of the fridge, etc) they can be on. Heck, you could even get a bunk bed for the cats, and put your work desk under it (and i dunno, put another litter box up there as well?) With two dogs, the cats absolutely 10000% need some space they can exist where the dogs cannot.
Now that the cats are off the floor, you just need to figure out the dog situation. For that, I would start looking into separation anxiety protocols. There's a ton of info out there, but it basically amounts to making sure pupper is tired, and then leaving them alone for very very short times (i'm talking seconds here) and graaaaduallly work up to a minute, 2, 5, 10, etc until they're up to 4 hours or so. This is gonna take time, so start now and maybe you'll have enough progress by August!
Good luck!
posted by cgg at 6:33 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think it's a bit too soon, and you might want to try to merge slower in the future.
(if I was 16 years old, I would prefer to be referred to as a "youth" or "young adult" rather than a "child", even if I did act somewhat childish at times.)
posted by ovvl at 6:57 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
(if I was 16 years old, I would prefer to be referred to as a "youth" or "young adult" rather than a "child", even if I did act somewhat childish at times.)
posted by ovvl at 6:57 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
I guess we could just throw care out the window, pull the trigger on him moving in, and hope for the best, but my type-A planner scientist brain is terrified of that idea.
When making decisions, you actually have several votes within you. Brain, heart, gut. Take some time and do a check in with your heart and your gut.
posted by aniola at 7:01 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
When making decisions, you actually have several votes within you. Brain, heart, gut. Take some time and do a check in with your heart and your gut.
posted by aniola at 7:01 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
I appreciate your and everyone else's care in considering elderly pets, but like smorgasbord I really, really, really think you need to talk this through with the 16 year old basically as if they are a third adult in this situation before jumping into full-time cohabitation headfirst. Because they are literally two hairs away from literally being one, even by law, but are still young enough that their agency in situations like this will be quite limited, and that can be a tough thing for a young person to deal with. They probably can't decide to move somewhere else, probably don't have their own money (or don't have much, at least), are likely only eligible for limited and low-wage employment, and may not even be able to take responsibility for their own transportation (e.g. do they have a driver's license, and if so, access to a car)?
Have they been to your house or neighborhood, like, ever? Have they hung out there? Do they like it? Do they have friends nearby? Would it complicate or disrupt handoffs with other bio parent? Would moving them mean changing schools, as others have mentioned? Is it going to interrupt a longstanding summer job, volunteering, extracurricular activity, or something else that will suddenly be an impossible commute? Could they be expecting to continue to live with your SO after high school, or while they attend college (this is super common these days, especially if there are compelling local higher ed options)? I wouldn't assume any of these things are automatic negatives, even changing schools, but you need to find out how they feel about it!
posted by pullayup at 9:53 PM on March 10, 2023 [15 favorites]
Have they been to your house or neighborhood, like, ever? Have they hung out there? Do they like it? Do they have friends nearby? Would it complicate or disrupt handoffs with other bio parent? Would moving them mean changing schools, as others have mentioned? Is it going to interrupt a longstanding summer job, volunteering, extracurricular activity, or something else that will suddenly be an impossible commute? Could they be expecting to continue to live with your SO after high school, or while they attend college (this is super common these days, especially if there are compelling local higher ed options)? I wouldn't assume any of these things are automatic negatives, even changing schools, but you need to find out how they feel about it!
posted by pullayup at 9:53 PM on March 10, 2023 [15 favorites]
6 animals and 3 humans fit in my 1,000 sq foot house
I raised three kids, with a dog, and a partner, while working from home, in a ~700 square foot house—so I know what you're proposing is feasible. But good lord I would not do that again. I agree with the commenter above who suggested looking for a place (even jsut a rental!) that you both select. You can rent out your 1,000 sq foot house until it's time for you two to move back in. By then you'll have navigated the pressures of cohabitating without the additional pressures that come from trying to fit too much life into a space that might not be well suited for it.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:40 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I raised three kids, with a dog, and a partner, while working from home, in a ~700 square foot house—so I know what you're proposing is feasible. But good lord I would not do that again. I agree with the commenter above who suggested looking for a place (even jsut a rental!) that you both select. You can rent out your 1,000 sq foot house until it's time for you two to move back in. By then you'll have navigated the pressures of cohabitating without the additional pressures that come from trying to fit too much life into a space that might not be well suited for it.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:40 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I agree that while you CAN probably make cohabitating work, there are serious questions - both teenager and animal-related - about whether you SHOULD. I'd table the idea for at least a year.
In the meantime, offer to pay for a mobile vet tech or professional pet-sitter (who can administer insulin, etc) to check in on the other cats 2x day when the partner is staying at your house. Reducing the # of trips your partner has to take back and forth will definitely make your time together feel more 'quality time.'
posted by nkknkk at 4:20 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
In the meantime, offer to pay for a mobile vet tech or professional pet-sitter (who can administer insulin, etc) to check in on the other cats 2x day when the partner is staying at your house. Reducing the # of trips your partner has to take back and forth will definitely make your time together feel more 'quality time.'
posted by nkknkk at 4:20 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
Have you explored having a petsitter come to your boyfriend’s house while he stays over with you? Twice daily visits for a week each month to administer meds wouldn’t be cheap, but a lot less than buying a new house or undertaking a renovation.
posted by kittydelsol at 4:21 AM on March 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by kittydelsol at 4:21 AM on March 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
I agree with pullayup. This may sound crazy, but have you considered sitting down together with the teen, explaining the goal, and asking them how they would solve it? This is an old manager trick for increasing people’s investment in a project. Plus if you make a decision that requires compromise, which you will have to do here, they will at least understand why you chose that option .
posted by caviar2d2 at 5:48 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by caviar2d2 at 5:48 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
As others have pointed out, the 16-year-old is getting short shrift in this scenario (or so it seems from your question).
My thoughts regarding this: You are equating this young man going off to college to one of your pets dying. Kids don't evaporate at age 18--even in college, they come home for breaks and summer. And some young people delay going to college, don't go to college at all, drop out of college.
You seem to believe that after the kid turns 18, he is not going to be an issue. I think you should re-consider this. Maybe the assumption is he'd stay at his other parent's home, but things do change, and there isn't really any acknowledgment of what he might need or want. Does he even like dogs? What happens if he has a massive fight with his mother and needs to live with you two full time?
It's great that you have what sounds like a good relationship with your guy, but his kid should come first. If moving in with you is going to be a downgrade for his son, I don't think it is a fair thing to do.
I know this was not your question, but the kid is a part of this and he deserves as much consideration as the pets.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 6:01 AM on March 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
My thoughts regarding this: You are equating this young man going off to college to one of your pets dying. Kids don't evaporate at age 18--even in college, they come home for breaks and summer. And some young people delay going to college, don't go to college at all, drop out of college.
You seem to believe that after the kid turns 18, he is not going to be an issue. I think you should re-consider this. Maybe the assumption is he'd stay at his other parent's home, but things do change, and there isn't really any acknowledgment of what he might need or want. Does he even like dogs? What happens if he has a massive fight with his mother and needs to live with you two full time?
It's great that you have what sounds like a good relationship with your guy, but his kid should come first. If moving in with you is going to be a downgrade for his son, I don't think it is a fair thing to do.
I know this was not your question, but the kid is a part of this and he deserves as much consideration as the pets.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 6:01 AM on March 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
I have two kids. The younger is 18 and about to graduate high school. The older still lives with me. The past few years, I’ve had a few dating situations I thought might turn into sorting serious.
In retrospect, I am so glad I did not disrupt my kids’ lives to combine households with a partner.
The past few years have been super stressful for all of us, and especially young folks. Unless there was a household calamity or serious financial issue, I’d say the kid’s stability is the priority.
Also, seriously, so you really want to be a stepparent of an older teen right now? Moving in with someone is a huge logistical commitment. That kid would go from having his dad’s full time and attention to sharing it completely with you.
I know you love your sweetie, but I think you have to get more creative or at least let the kid graduate from high school. Is that in a year or two?
posted by bluedaisy at 8:42 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
In retrospect, I am so glad I did not disrupt my kids’ lives to combine households with a partner.
The past few years have been super stressful for all of us, and especially young folks. Unless there was a household calamity or serious financial issue, I’d say the kid’s stability is the priority.
Also, seriously, so you really want to be a stepparent of an older teen right now? Moving in with someone is a huge logistical commitment. That kid would go from having his dad’s full time and attention to sharing it completely with you.
I know you love your sweetie, but I think you have to get more creative or at least let the kid graduate from high school. Is that in a year or two?
posted by bluedaisy at 8:42 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I also note you didn’t mention the kid in your first question. And here, you started with,”SO has part-time custody of a 16 year old child” who you later call his “son.”
Maybe that’s a short hand or euphemism, but the focus on the individual animals and their complicated seems disproportionate to the upheaval to your potential stepson.
Your sweetie is a parent, a dad, a full time dad who has his kid with him part time. And that relationship is the big unknown here.
If you’re pushing this, please stop. If you want a long term relationship with this man, then you need a good relationship with his kid. Focus on that for now.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:52 AM on March 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
Maybe that’s a short hand or euphemism, but the focus on the individual animals and their complicated seems disproportionate to the upheaval to your potential stepson.
Your sweetie is a parent, a dad, a full time dad who has his kid with him part time. And that relationship is the big unknown here.
If you’re pushing this, please stop. If you want a long term relationship with this man, then you need a good relationship with his kid. Focus on that for now.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:52 AM on March 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all. I did not mention his son extensively because we have good communication on that issue with each other and him. I certainly am aware that he is the most important part of this equation, but is also the least complicated and the not part of what I needed specific advice on.
posted by tryniti at 2:42 PM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by tryniti at 2:42 PM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by slow graffiti at 3:52 PM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]