Boyfriend of 6 months coming home in a drunken rage
February 12, 2023 3:46 AM Subscribe
Last week, a bit more than 6 months in, I was staying over at his place – he went out and returned in a drunken rage. I was completely shocked by the tone and the content – he yelled at me and demanded the phone number of my ex so he tells him to stop texting me as I am too much of a coward to do so myself. I am »texting him every minute of my day«, allegedly more than to my boyfriend, and I will just go back to him, he demanded to see when he messaged me the last time. I offered to talk about it when he is sober, he refused, yelling and demanded a number. I did not oblige, instead I offered him to read our conversations and see there is nothing suspicious about it. He did not want to do that as he was convinced into his right and slept on the couch.
Next morning I dreaded leaving the bed, being genuinely exhausted and scared of the next fight. I packed my things and wanted to leave, and before I left, he said: »where is the number?«. He still insisted on it. I tried to reason with him more, maybe not in the nicest way as I pointed out him being in contact with his ex as well, even if it's for a dog only as he claimed (although I know that was not the case, he sold her some concert tickets, discussed my gynecological problems with her as she had some experiences...). He offered to break it off but then he would have no other free dogsitter and he will need to find a new way. I did not mind that at all, i mean it seemed strange to me to jump relationships like that and moving as fast as he did, claiming I am the best thing ever happening to him etc and that he is totally mindblown by me... but perhaps it is just my paranoia? When I broke down and started crying from pressure, he calmed down and apologized for his terrible behavior. Since then he claims he felt like shit for the delivery but he was enraged, it was boiling inside him and he has a good reason for thinking what he thinks.
He talked about therapy a few months back but nothing has been realized as of now.
He is not drinking very often since he is with me, however I got some ambiguous hints from his friends that he tended to drink a lot and I may want to be aware of that; he also told me his ex partner was accusing him of having an alcohol problem, but later said it was just because of making noise when he returned home.
I am sorry for a long letter, I would be very grateful if someone reads it, though, as it contains a lot of background information! Also my apologies for messy and inconsistent storytelling/English as my second language, we live in Europe and I am rather distressed.
I am 31 years old and came down a rough patch. I left the country and moved abroad, partly due to my curious andexplorative spirit, partly due to wanting to escape, physically and mentally, the abusive family. Both my parents are narcissistic, I got sexually harrassed by my father, as well as the man next door on holiday apartment; my mom either did not believe it or brushed it off. I was a scapegoat and despite being a non troublemaking straigh A student for the most part, I constantly got compared to others in terms of femininity, interests and agreeability (»respect towards parents«). I was an ADHD tomboyish girl who voiced her opinion and spent more time nurturing animals than anything else. I was also regularly a sex-consultant to my parents as a 14-16 years old virgin, in addition having to listen to intimate details about father's previous relationships and sex partners, ie firmness of their body parts and how much better and involved into sex they were than my mother. It might have contributed to my struggles with retroactive jealousy when I started having relationships on my own.
I moved abroad and read self-help books, I spent a few years with very little contact and nowadays we are low contact. When I went into the world, I struggled and my folks just told me once again how no one will ever love me as i'm too complicated, I am a failure, if I finished university I'd be rich already etc.
On my journey abroad I have encountered a new set of relationship challenges which left my soul beaten up and bruised severely. I hoped a little that I would at least hear some basic words of condolences as I was struggling with patching things up at least with cheating boyfriend who impregnated his teenage mistress, but all in vain. They kept telling me to get over it already, past is in the past, he's a great guy and It is my fault for his immaturity because I do not guide him enough and show enough dominance. Kinda contradictory, I know.
All things aside, after years of suffering, on/off relationhip I made things right and ended things; after time passed by we agreed it was for the best as we were exhausted, but remained in contact regarding useful information (we are both foreigners from the same country, coworkers and livigin in the same town). We meet for a short coffee every second month or so. I had no problem having my current boyfriend with me but my ex was not comfortable with it and I understood that.
New boyfriend gave me an impression of well rounded guy at first – mid 30s (i am in my early 30s), held down a job, knew how to communicate, willing to work on himself, had his own place, a dog, hobbies, knew how to cook, clean, took care of mental load when we went somewhere...he was recently broken up- got left by almost a decade younger girl after 2 years. He switched to her from an even younger girl with whom he got a puppy with; as all the reputable shelters refused him due to his work schedule and inability to take care of a dog on his own, he turned to backyard breeders and bought a dog. His ex was broke up with him, so he got together with his dogsitter immediately. The dog tourned out a nervous wreck with plenty of health issues, never got fully housetrained, separation anxiety and received no consistent training whatsoever.
The girl moved in to his after a month of dating and took care of his dog full time when he was at work, spent covid time with him and contributed a more than fair share to his mortgage/flat expenses. According to him however, she was using him for having somewhere to live and cheating on him (which he never had confirmed/proven). However he was »happy in a relationship and did not want it to end«, so she did, eventually.
Shortly afterwards he started dating someone from dating app because he absolutely needed another relationship. He broke it off after a month admiting it wasnt a great idea.
We knew each other already and I was kinda up for a fling so a few weeks after that we went on a date. The date itself was fine, we saw each other again. Afterwards I went to the festival and he started a lot of TMI ; I asked him to stop informing me about his past sexual encounters because I tend to overthink and multiple guys I dated either secretly harbored feelings toward exes or left me for them; he respected that afterwards.
Other than that, it was nice, less than a month in he asked me to be exclusive. I refused, saying this is moving too fast for me, he was literally texting "I love you " to another person not so long ago. He asked me in about a month and I accepted. I was not 100% on board with it but I though hey, things are good, why not. This is when I also got my first "I love you", and he told me it feels totally different than with anyone else and that he is 5000% sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Around that time I started getting a bit more tense, because it was getting real. We started weighing future options of moving in together, figuring my place would probably be better. communication was good. I told him about my past, too. I noticed he still had multiple items like concert tickets he went to with his ex (marked with heart), dog had her phone number on her name tag, she had keys to his flat....he saw no problem with it though. It made me feel like something is still there, but I did not make drama. His dog was dogsat by her 3-4 times a week and he started saying how he would cancel »co-parenting« agreement but he has no other choice really – at least not a free one. So I heroically stepped up and offered that I can take her sometimes. This sometimes turned into full time before I noticed, though and I was absolutely exhausted from an nervous, destructive and untrained dog, but felt guilty as a dog owner and animal rescuer to not take him. If it happened that I was not available, his ex took her in and hindered the progress I tried to do. I had a conversation about it; he did not take it well and accused me of not liking his dog anyway – eventually he agreed I will take care of her only occasionally and he needs to find better solution, so he start looking for new work with »regular« schedule (which would still require him fixing the dog everyday during lunch. If he lived with me in a small town far enough from workplace, that would be impossible)
He was ready to move in after 2-3 months; I was considering it for convenience but was not ready and asked him to at least train his dog not to bark in the night. He started doing some training, the issues are still there and it's been 6 months. So his only free option is still his ex and she takes the dog in, although happily, multiple days a week. It is his problem.
About 3 months in something happened that kinda rubbed me in a wrong way. We were at the bar together and I started talking to a friend of a friend; my boyfriend allegedly approached me and i looked at him and said nothing. He was drunk but I acknowledged him and continued conversation for maybe 10-15 more minutes. Only to find him nervously smoking outdoors, eventually coming back in and making a public drama how I pay no attention to him, that I did not even say«oh, you are here!« to him when I was sitting next to him. I started feeling crazy, I apologized sincerely, I had no idea how often should I check on him. He continued with a tantrum, eventually we left and at home he was crying a lot. I had no idea...but when he sobered up, he apologized somehow.
Since that I started being a bit cold and distant because I really felt like I would not neglect someone on purpose. Plus I was exhausted from his dog. So eventually the dog went back to his ex, as mentioned before, yet she refuses to adopt the dog. (it happened before that he one of his exes keep the dog after a breakup)
3 months have passed and my boyfriend started having issues with me texting to my ex as he »treated me terribly back in the day« to which I cannot disagree with. He said however that it is my choice if I keep texting him, he just thinks it is a bad idea. I knew it has no romantic purpose so I did not take it as a boundary, even if he mentioned it multiple times. Maybe a bad call on my end.
However last week, a bit more than 6 months in, I was staying over at his place – he went out and returned in a drunken rage. I was completely shocked by the tone and the content – he yelled at me and demanded the phone number of my ex so he tells him to stop texting me as I am too much of a coward to do so myself. I am »texting him every minute of my day«, allegedly more than to my boyfriend, and I will just go back to him, he demanded to see when he messaged me the last time. I offered to talk about it when he is sober, he refused, yelling and demanded a number. I did not oblige, instead I offered him to read our conversations and see there is nothing suspicious about it. He did not want to do that as he was convinced into his right and slept on the couch.
Next morning I dreaded leaving the bed, being genuinely exhausted and scared of the next fight. I packed my things and wanted to leave, and before I left, he said: »where is the number?«. He still insisted on it. I tried to reason with him more, maybe not in the nicest way as I pointed out him being in contact with his ex as well, even if it's for a dog only as he claimed (although I know that was not the case, he sold her some concert tickets, discussed my ginecological problems with her as she had some experiences...). He offered to break it off but then he would have no other free dogsitter and he will need to find a new way. I did not mind that at all, i mean it seemed strange to me to jump relationships like that and moving as fast as he did, claiming I am the best thing ever happening to him since the start and that he is totally mindblown by me... but perhaps it is just my paranoia? When I broke down and started crying from pressure, he calmed down and apologized for his terrible behavior. Since then he claims he felt like shit for the delivery but he was enraged, it was boiling inside him and he has a good reason for thinking what he thinks.
Now it got me thinking there is some projection going on and I dont know how to continue. If this will escalate to something worse, or can we bounce back from it. Honestly, I am not craving relationship, I am exhausted and can't think of dating someone new, now or ever. I wished for something stable although I have my insecurities and I am rather unwell, financially, so I can't afford a therapist at all. I am listening to podcasts, reading books and trying to stay true to my household, hobbies, animal rescuing...it is a lot to juggle and I was very optimistic finding a guy who actually helped with meal prep, groceries, furniture assembly, cleaning, planning, took my dog for a walk sometime and so on. I never experienced so much investment from a partner before. So at that point I don't know if I am being overly jealous, inappropriate or am I just being gaslit.
I struggled with romantic relationships in the past. Early on it was my codependency/extremely low self esteem, another one was that I was used to associate the dynamic of being ignored, neglected and my trust to be betrayed as a »home« setting and it made it difficult to leave. I dreaded the attitude my father had – that someone will settle for me and yet dream of their superior exes. It got better overtime and no longer actively ruined my relationships for quite a few years – until this guy; I don't know, the timelines, the rush, the inconsistensies in story sometime and him pointing out my »skills« which are allegedly mindblowing and more present than all his exes combined (I have my flat, a car, pets, rescue animals, job in a corporate although not very well paying, experience with traveling, speak multiple languages and am upfront regarding sex; I consider all of that as normal though). I do feel unpleasant thinking he had younger and way more attractive girlfriends, I never lived with anyone even after years, and I do feel bad about not being brave enough to escape this hell of my parents trap and live a free life earlier, therefore I don't have very impressive dating experiences, mostly traumas and being a backup plan/rebound and I secretly daydream about being alone probably too often, despite knowing it can get difficult, lonely and a financial suicide.
I am not sure if it is my intuition or seeing a »greener grass«.
Next morning I dreaded leaving the bed, being genuinely exhausted and scared of the next fight. I packed my things and wanted to leave, and before I left, he said: »where is the number?«. He still insisted on it. I tried to reason with him more, maybe not in the nicest way as I pointed out him being in contact with his ex as well, even if it's for a dog only as he claimed (although I know that was not the case, he sold her some concert tickets, discussed my gynecological problems with her as she had some experiences...). He offered to break it off but then he would have no other free dogsitter and he will need to find a new way. I did not mind that at all, i mean it seemed strange to me to jump relationships like that and moving as fast as he did, claiming I am the best thing ever happening to him etc and that he is totally mindblown by me... but perhaps it is just my paranoia? When I broke down and started crying from pressure, he calmed down and apologized for his terrible behavior. Since then he claims he felt like shit for the delivery but he was enraged, it was boiling inside him and he has a good reason for thinking what he thinks.
He talked about therapy a few months back but nothing has been realized as of now.
He is not drinking very often since he is with me, however I got some ambiguous hints from his friends that he tended to drink a lot and I may want to be aware of that; he also told me his ex partner was accusing him of having an alcohol problem, but later said it was just because of making noise when he returned home.
I am sorry for a long letter, I would be very grateful if someone reads it, though, as it contains a lot of background information! Also my apologies for messy and inconsistent storytelling/English as my second language, we live in Europe and I am rather distressed.
I am 31 years old and came down a rough patch. I left the country and moved abroad, partly due to my curious andexplorative spirit, partly due to wanting to escape, physically and mentally, the abusive family. Both my parents are narcissistic, I got sexually harrassed by my father, as well as the man next door on holiday apartment; my mom either did not believe it or brushed it off. I was a scapegoat and despite being a non troublemaking straigh A student for the most part, I constantly got compared to others in terms of femininity, interests and agreeability (»respect towards parents«). I was an ADHD tomboyish girl who voiced her opinion and spent more time nurturing animals than anything else. I was also regularly a sex-consultant to my parents as a 14-16 years old virgin, in addition having to listen to intimate details about father's previous relationships and sex partners, ie firmness of their body parts and how much better and involved into sex they were than my mother. It might have contributed to my struggles with retroactive jealousy when I started having relationships on my own.
I moved abroad and read self-help books, I spent a few years with very little contact and nowadays we are low contact. When I went into the world, I struggled and my folks just told me once again how no one will ever love me as i'm too complicated, I am a failure, if I finished university I'd be rich already etc.
On my journey abroad I have encountered a new set of relationship challenges which left my soul beaten up and bruised severely. I hoped a little that I would at least hear some basic words of condolences as I was struggling with patching things up at least with cheating boyfriend who impregnated his teenage mistress, but all in vain. They kept telling me to get over it already, past is in the past, he's a great guy and It is my fault for his immaturity because I do not guide him enough and show enough dominance. Kinda contradictory, I know.
All things aside, after years of suffering, on/off relationhip I made things right and ended things; after time passed by we agreed it was for the best as we were exhausted, but remained in contact regarding useful information (we are both foreigners from the same country, coworkers and livigin in the same town). We meet for a short coffee every second month or so. I had no problem having my current boyfriend with me but my ex was not comfortable with it and I understood that.
New boyfriend gave me an impression of well rounded guy at first – mid 30s (i am in my early 30s), held down a job, knew how to communicate, willing to work on himself, had his own place, a dog, hobbies, knew how to cook, clean, took care of mental load when we went somewhere...he was recently broken up- got left by almost a decade younger girl after 2 years. He switched to her from an even younger girl with whom he got a puppy with; as all the reputable shelters refused him due to his work schedule and inability to take care of a dog on his own, he turned to backyard breeders and bought a dog. His ex was broke up with him, so he got together with his dogsitter immediately. The dog tourned out a nervous wreck with plenty of health issues, never got fully housetrained, separation anxiety and received no consistent training whatsoever.
The girl moved in to his after a month of dating and took care of his dog full time when he was at work, spent covid time with him and contributed a more than fair share to his mortgage/flat expenses. According to him however, she was using him for having somewhere to live and cheating on him (which he never had confirmed/proven). However he was »happy in a relationship and did not want it to end«, so she did, eventually.
Shortly afterwards he started dating someone from dating app because he absolutely needed another relationship. He broke it off after a month admiting it wasnt a great idea.
We knew each other already and I was kinda up for a fling so a few weeks after that we went on a date. The date itself was fine, we saw each other again. Afterwards I went to the festival and he started a lot of TMI ; I asked him to stop informing me about his past sexual encounters because I tend to overthink and multiple guys I dated either secretly harbored feelings toward exes or left me for them; he respected that afterwards.
Other than that, it was nice, less than a month in he asked me to be exclusive. I refused, saying this is moving too fast for me, he was literally texting "I love you " to another person not so long ago. He asked me in about a month and I accepted. I was not 100% on board with it but I though hey, things are good, why not. This is when I also got my first "I love you", and he told me it feels totally different than with anyone else and that he is 5000% sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Around that time I started getting a bit more tense, because it was getting real. We started weighing future options of moving in together, figuring my place would probably be better. communication was good. I told him about my past, too. I noticed he still had multiple items like concert tickets he went to with his ex (marked with heart), dog had her phone number on her name tag, she had keys to his flat....he saw no problem with it though. It made me feel like something is still there, but I did not make drama. His dog was dogsat by her 3-4 times a week and he started saying how he would cancel »co-parenting« agreement but he has no other choice really – at least not a free one. So I heroically stepped up and offered that I can take her sometimes. This sometimes turned into full time before I noticed, though and I was absolutely exhausted from an nervous, destructive and untrained dog, but felt guilty as a dog owner and animal rescuer to not take him. If it happened that I was not available, his ex took her in and hindered the progress I tried to do. I had a conversation about it; he did not take it well and accused me of not liking his dog anyway – eventually he agreed I will take care of her only occasionally and he needs to find better solution, so he start looking for new work with »regular« schedule (which would still require him fixing the dog everyday during lunch. If he lived with me in a small town far enough from workplace, that would be impossible)
He was ready to move in after 2-3 months; I was considering it for convenience but was not ready and asked him to at least train his dog not to bark in the night. He started doing some training, the issues are still there and it's been 6 months. So his only free option is still his ex and she takes the dog in, although happily, multiple days a week. It is his problem.
About 3 months in something happened that kinda rubbed me in a wrong way. We were at the bar together and I started talking to a friend of a friend; my boyfriend allegedly approached me and i looked at him and said nothing. He was drunk but I acknowledged him and continued conversation for maybe 10-15 more minutes. Only to find him nervously smoking outdoors, eventually coming back in and making a public drama how I pay no attention to him, that I did not even say«oh, you are here!« to him when I was sitting next to him. I started feeling crazy, I apologized sincerely, I had no idea how often should I check on him. He continued with a tantrum, eventually we left and at home he was crying a lot. I had no idea...but when he sobered up, he apologized somehow.
Since that I started being a bit cold and distant because I really felt like I would not neglect someone on purpose. Plus I was exhausted from his dog. So eventually the dog went back to his ex, as mentioned before, yet she refuses to adopt the dog. (it happened before that he one of his exes keep the dog after a breakup)
3 months have passed and my boyfriend started having issues with me texting to my ex as he »treated me terribly back in the day« to which I cannot disagree with. He said however that it is my choice if I keep texting him, he just thinks it is a bad idea. I knew it has no romantic purpose so I did not take it as a boundary, even if he mentioned it multiple times. Maybe a bad call on my end.
However last week, a bit more than 6 months in, I was staying over at his place – he went out and returned in a drunken rage. I was completely shocked by the tone and the content – he yelled at me and demanded the phone number of my ex so he tells him to stop texting me as I am too much of a coward to do so myself. I am »texting him every minute of my day«, allegedly more than to my boyfriend, and I will just go back to him, he demanded to see when he messaged me the last time. I offered to talk about it when he is sober, he refused, yelling and demanded a number. I did not oblige, instead I offered him to read our conversations and see there is nothing suspicious about it. He did not want to do that as he was convinced into his right and slept on the couch.
Next morning I dreaded leaving the bed, being genuinely exhausted and scared of the next fight. I packed my things and wanted to leave, and before I left, he said: »where is the number?«. He still insisted on it. I tried to reason with him more, maybe not in the nicest way as I pointed out him being in contact with his ex as well, even if it's for a dog only as he claimed (although I know that was not the case, he sold her some concert tickets, discussed my ginecological problems with her as she had some experiences...). He offered to break it off but then he would have no other free dogsitter and he will need to find a new way. I did not mind that at all, i mean it seemed strange to me to jump relationships like that and moving as fast as he did, claiming I am the best thing ever happening to him since the start and that he is totally mindblown by me... but perhaps it is just my paranoia? When I broke down and started crying from pressure, he calmed down and apologized for his terrible behavior. Since then he claims he felt like shit for the delivery but he was enraged, it was boiling inside him and he has a good reason for thinking what he thinks.
Now it got me thinking there is some projection going on and I dont know how to continue. If this will escalate to something worse, or can we bounce back from it. Honestly, I am not craving relationship, I am exhausted and can't think of dating someone new, now or ever. I wished for something stable although I have my insecurities and I am rather unwell, financially, so I can't afford a therapist at all. I am listening to podcasts, reading books and trying to stay true to my household, hobbies, animal rescuing...it is a lot to juggle and I was very optimistic finding a guy who actually helped with meal prep, groceries, furniture assembly, cleaning, planning, took my dog for a walk sometime and so on. I never experienced so much investment from a partner before. So at that point I don't know if I am being overly jealous, inappropriate or am I just being gaslit.
I struggled with romantic relationships in the past. Early on it was my codependency/extremely low self esteem, another one was that I was used to associate the dynamic of being ignored, neglected and my trust to be betrayed as a »home« setting and it made it difficult to leave. I dreaded the attitude my father had – that someone will settle for me and yet dream of their superior exes. It got better overtime and no longer actively ruined my relationships for quite a few years – until this guy; I don't know, the timelines, the rush, the inconsistensies in story sometime and him pointing out my »skills« which are allegedly mindblowing and more present than all his exes combined (I have my flat, a car, pets, rescue animals, job in a corporate although not very well paying, experience with traveling, speak multiple languages and am upfront regarding sex; I consider all of that as normal though). I do feel unpleasant thinking he had younger and way more attractive girlfriends, I never lived with anyone even after years, and I do feel bad about not being brave enough to escape this hell of my parents trap and live a free life earlier, therefore I don't have very impressive dating experiences, mostly traumas and being a backup plan/rebound and I secretly daydream about being alone probably too often, despite knowing it can get difficult, lonely and a financial suicide.
I am not sure if it is my intuition or seeing a »greener grass«.
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through.
This is not a healthy relationship, and ending it doesn't have to mean being "lonely" or committing "financial suicide." Rather, it's the first step to finding a better one, that will actually make you happy.
Moreover, a bad relationship won't leave you in a better place over time than being single, even though the single tax is real.
him pointing out my »skills« which are allegedly mindblowing and more present than all his exes combined (I have my flat, a car, pets, rescue animals, job in a corporate although not very well paying, experience with traveling, speak multiple languages and am upfront regarding sex; I consider all of that as normal though).
You have your life more or less together; despite all you've been through. This man does not. You have a long list of misgivings about him, some of which may have to do with some issues of your own that would be good to work through, but that doesn't make him a good partner for you—even without the problem drinking and boundary violations (which would also be enough). Move on.
posted by snuffleupagus at 4:15 AM on February 12, 2023 [31 favorites]
This is not a healthy relationship, and ending it doesn't have to mean being "lonely" or committing "financial suicide." Rather, it's the first step to finding a better one, that will actually make you happy.
Moreover, a bad relationship won't leave you in a better place over time than being single, even though the single tax is real.
him pointing out my »skills« which are allegedly mindblowing and more present than all his exes combined (I have my flat, a car, pets, rescue animals, job in a corporate although not very well paying, experience with traveling, speak multiple languages and am upfront regarding sex; I consider all of that as normal though).
You have your life more or less together; despite all you've been through. This man does not. You have a long list of misgivings about him, some of which may have to do with some issues of your own that would be good to work through, but that doesn't make him a good partner for you—even without the problem drinking and boundary violations (which would also be enough). Move on.
posted by snuffleupagus at 4:15 AM on February 12, 2023 [31 favorites]
It’s time to break it off with this person. Drunken rage directed at you is all the reason you need. Be safe.
posted by jzb at 4:16 AM on February 12, 2023 [57 favorites]
posted by jzb at 4:16 AM on February 12, 2023 [57 favorites]
You've been lovebombed by an abuser. Abuse escalates more often than not. Were I in your shoes I would not be persisting with him.
Ending up in a good relationship with somebody who will never treat you like shit on their shoe requires at the very least dumping every motherfucker who ever does.
he was enraged, it was boiling inside him and he has a good reason for thinking what he thinks
What a total fucking loser.
In a just world he'd either learn to show a bit of respect for those he claims to love, or end up dying alone and miserable. In this world, he'll probably end up partnered with somebody whose life he can fuck up even worse than his own. I strongly recommend that you don't let that be you.
posted by flabdablet at 4:25 AM on February 12, 2023 [35 favorites]
Ending up in a good relationship with somebody who will never treat you like shit on their shoe requires at the very least dumping every motherfucker who ever does.
he was enraged, it was boiling inside him and he has a good reason for thinking what he thinks
What a total fucking loser.
In a just world he'd either learn to show a bit of respect for those he claims to love, or end up dying alone and miserable. In this world, he'll probably end up partnered with somebody whose life he can fuck up even worse than his own. I strongly recommend that you don't let that be you.
posted by flabdablet at 4:25 AM on February 12, 2023 [35 favorites]
This doesn't sound safe. Trust your feelings of distress - this is not a safe or healthy way to treat you, full stop, it doesn't matter what his reasons are.
I'd urge you to reach out to people you trust if you can, and to make a safety plan
posted by Geameade at 4:41 AM on February 12, 2023 [26 favorites]
I'd urge you to reach out to people you trust if you can, and to make a safety plan
posted by Geameade at 4:41 AM on February 12, 2023 [26 favorites]
I am not sure if it is my intuition or seeing a »greener grass«.
It's your intuition, trust it! If he can regain your love after that drunken rage, all that will happen is he will get into more drunken rages. His friends warned you about his drinking, which is actually not something people do willy nilly. I have a lot of experience with alcoholics and friends don't say things like that about people who don't have a problem. You can barely get people to say something out right when the problem is obvious and horrible, so I'd take this as more than just a red flag: it's a freaking huge red flashing light and a klaxon, and a man on speaker phone saying "evacuate evacuate" The new relationship glow is off and now he's going to increase these behaviors. Please don't be around for it.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 4:45 AM on February 12, 2023 [31 favorites]
It's your intuition, trust it! If he can regain your love after that drunken rage, all that will happen is he will get into more drunken rages. His friends warned you about his drinking, which is actually not something people do willy nilly. I have a lot of experience with alcoholics and friends don't say things like that about people who don't have a problem. You can barely get people to say something out right when the problem is obvious and horrible, so I'd take this as more than just a red flag: it's a freaking huge red flashing light and a klaxon, and a man on speaker phone saying "evacuate evacuate" The new relationship glow is off and now he's going to increase these behaviors. Please don't be around for it.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 4:45 AM on February 12, 2023 [31 favorites]
There are at least half a dozen completely solid reasons to break up with this person in your post, and no good reason to stay. Make a safety plan with a domestic violence hotline, leave him, and don’t look back.
I’m very sorry this person has treated you this way, and I hope you are free of him soon.
posted by Stacey at 4:46 AM on February 12, 2023 [23 favorites]
I’m very sorry this person has treated you this way, and I hope you are free of him soon.
posted by Stacey at 4:46 AM on February 12, 2023 [23 favorites]
I’ll be honest. I didn’t read the whole post. I saw “drunken rage” in the title, and really that’s all I need to know. Get the heck out of there.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:48 AM on February 12, 2023 [45 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 4:48 AM on February 12, 2023 [45 favorites]
Leave this angry, jealous, unstable man. Leave him now. Leave him yesterday. Get out of this abusive relationship. Your instincts are trying to protect you and you need to listen. You were love bombed and you will never feel as good with this man as you did when he was initially fawning over you. The abuse will escalate. It always does. Get out now and be safe. Best wishes to you.
posted by mezzanayne at 5:09 AM on February 12, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by mezzanayne at 5:09 AM on February 12, 2023 [14 favorites]
It looks like you are not happy in this relationship and yet you believe you need a good enough reason to leave or perhaps, that you need to make sure your leaving won't create any problems for your boyfriend or his dog.
It also looks like you've been through a lot and have suffered some really bad treatment. My heart goes out to you just reading about your childhood.
Healing is possible! The first step is to remove yourself from ongoing toxic situations. This can be hard because as humans we are wired for attachment and we get attached even to people who do not treat us well. It's double hard to leave someone we perceive as attached to us and dependent on us.
Can you get in touch with a domestic violence hotline in your area? From your description of his behavior this relationship is physically unsafe no matter how contrite he seems. Please tell someone you know about this situation. Even a friendly acquaintance might be willing to let you couch surf for an evening in an emergency. And drunken rage can be very very dangerous. People who get into drunken rages don't just get their $## together overnight. It can escalate fast and you might not get out of it alive next time. I mean this seriously.
posted by M. at 5:19 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
It also looks like you've been through a lot and have suffered some really bad treatment. My heart goes out to you just reading about your childhood.
Healing is possible! The first step is to remove yourself from ongoing toxic situations. This can be hard because as humans we are wired for attachment and we get attached even to people who do not treat us well. It's double hard to leave someone we perceive as attached to us and dependent on us.
Can you get in touch with a domestic violence hotline in your area? From your description of his behavior this relationship is physically unsafe no matter how contrite he seems. Please tell someone you know about this situation. Even a friendly acquaintance might be willing to let you couch surf for an evening in an emergency. And drunken rage can be very very dangerous. People who get into drunken rages don't just get their $## together overnight. It can escalate fast and you might not get out of it alive next time. I mean this seriously.
posted by M. at 5:19 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
I secretly daydream about being alone probably too often
I've been there and, trust me, when you get to that point it will feel so much better to get out of the relationship. Like freedom, and that's aside from the drunken yelling. Even if you don't feel like dating someone else, I think you will thrive without him!
posted by Eyelash at 5:22 AM on February 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
I've been there and, trust me, when you get to that point it will feel so much better to get out of the relationship. Like freedom, and that's aside from the drunken yelling. Even if you don't feel like dating someone else, I think you will thrive without him!
posted by Eyelash at 5:22 AM on February 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
I dated a guy just like this. Dump him yesterday. I ended up having to get a restraining order against him. He had also demanded to see my messages, and not just with former boyfriends. He wanted to isolate me and tried his hardest to do so. I wasted nearly two years on that asshole.
Don't waste your time trying to convince yourself that this drunken rage behavior isn't the real him. It is the real him. The loving, attentive boyfriend from the beginning of the relationship is the lie. He just can't maintain it anymore.
Please dump him. Save yourself.
posted by poppunkcat at 5:38 AM on February 12, 2023 [20 favorites]
Don't waste your time trying to convince yourself that this drunken rage behavior isn't the real him. It is the real him. The loving, attentive boyfriend from the beginning of the relationship is the lie. He just can't maintain it anymore.
Please dump him. Save yourself.
posted by poppunkcat at 5:38 AM on February 12, 2023 [20 favorites]
As the daughter of a narcissist father myself, I know from personal experience that being raised by a narcissist makes you more vulnerable to winding up with romantic partners who mistreat you. It's not your fault. You're NOT broken. You've just quite literally been trained since birth to cater to others' needs before your own, to constantly question your own perception of events, and to search for excuses for loved ones' bad behavior. These are hard habits to break, and again, they are NOT YOUR FAULT, and they don't mean there's something wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with being the sort of person who tries hard to see the best in other people. But to keep yourself safe you are going to need to develop some self-awareness of this tendency so you can defend yourself from people who want to exploit it. The fact that you are here asking for help is a good sign.
Now, your boyfriend: you need to dump him. Yesterday. And I'll tell you why. (You already know why, but I'll tell you to help you know that what you already know is true.)
This man didn't even just come home and say ignorant and aggressive things to you in a drunken rage, which really in and of itself is irresponsible behavior that you would be well within your rights to dump him for. HE CONTINUED THE BEHAVIOR THE NEXT MORNING when he was sober, and he ONLY stopped once you were clearly on the verge of leaving. Don't let him trick you into thinking that the alcohol was the one doing the talking. It was him.
It often takes several months or even a year for abusive partners to begin to reveal their true colors. They do this on purpose. If he had screamed at you in a drunken rage on your second date you would have left him in a heartbeat. He knows that. It's why he waited to stage this fight in this way. Think about this: he even TOLD you that he waited! He told you that this argument was "boiling inside of him," as if that justified his outrageous behavior. But it doesn't at all. If this were a healthy relationship, he would have brought up his feelings about your continuing to talk to your ex ages ago.
He also told you that he had a problem with alcohol. Sure, he framed it as false accusations from his ex, but that was because he knew there was a chance you might hear about his problem from other people who know him, and he wanted you to discount their warnings as malicious gossip from the ex. Preemptively spinning potential warnings from others about their past bad behavior as malicious lies is classic abuser behavior, and if you think about it, I'm sure you'll realize you recognize it, because your parents have probably done it before, too. Right?
He's a jerk and a user, and just because your cheating ex is too, that doesn't mean this man's behavior is justified.
You need to get out now before things get worse. You deserve better than this.
So dump him. That's priority one. And cut him off entirely. Do not attempt to stay friends with this person. He is dangerous to you.
Once you're stable, I'd think about cutting back on or cutting off contact with your other ex, too. NOT because your current boyfriend said so but because I think cheating ex is beneath you. Anyone who would cheat on you and impregnate a teenager really isn't worth your time. I know keeping in contact with him is seriously useful to you because you are both foreigners living abroad but he's no doubt very deliberately taking advantage of that. You two can't possibly be the only two people living abroad in your area. See if you can find some places where other expats hang out and make some new expat friends who can replace what he's providing you.
You sound like an amazing person to have as a partner-- responsible, educated, intelligent, helpful, caring, and fun. Don't listen to the voices in your head saying you don't deserve better than this. You do.
posted by BlueJae at 5:42 AM on February 12, 2023 [38 favorites]
Now, your boyfriend: you need to dump him. Yesterday. And I'll tell you why. (You already know why, but I'll tell you to help you know that what you already know is true.)
This man didn't even just come home and say ignorant and aggressive things to you in a drunken rage, which really in and of itself is irresponsible behavior that you would be well within your rights to dump him for. HE CONTINUED THE BEHAVIOR THE NEXT MORNING when he was sober, and he ONLY stopped once you were clearly on the verge of leaving. Don't let him trick you into thinking that the alcohol was the one doing the talking. It was him.
It often takes several months or even a year for abusive partners to begin to reveal their true colors. They do this on purpose. If he had screamed at you in a drunken rage on your second date you would have left him in a heartbeat. He knows that. It's why he waited to stage this fight in this way. Think about this: he even TOLD you that he waited! He told you that this argument was "boiling inside of him," as if that justified his outrageous behavior. But it doesn't at all. If this were a healthy relationship, he would have brought up his feelings about your continuing to talk to your ex ages ago.
He also told you that he had a problem with alcohol. Sure, he framed it as false accusations from his ex, but that was because he knew there was a chance you might hear about his problem from other people who know him, and he wanted you to discount their warnings as malicious gossip from the ex. Preemptively spinning potential warnings from others about their past bad behavior as malicious lies is classic abuser behavior, and if you think about it, I'm sure you'll realize you recognize it, because your parents have probably done it before, too. Right?
He's a jerk and a user, and just because your cheating ex is too, that doesn't mean this man's behavior is justified.
You need to get out now before things get worse. You deserve better than this.
So dump him. That's priority one. And cut him off entirely. Do not attempt to stay friends with this person. He is dangerous to you.
Once you're stable, I'd think about cutting back on or cutting off contact with your other ex, too. NOT because your current boyfriend said so but because I think cheating ex is beneath you. Anyone who would cheat on you and impregnate a teenager really isn't worth your time. I know keeping in contact with him is seriously useful to you because you are both foreigners living abroad but he's no doubt very deliberately taking advantage of that. You two can't possibly be the only two people living abroad in your area. See if you can find some places where other expats hang out and make some new expat friends who can replace what he's providing you.
You sound like an amazing person to have as a partner-- responsible, educated, intelligent, helpful, caring, and fun. Don't listen to the voices in your head saying you don't deserve better than this. You do.
posted by BlueJae at 5:42 AM on February 12, 2023 [38 favorites]
I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you are in another abusive relationship. Multiple incidents of drunken fight starting? From a guy who serially dates vulnerable women? Yikes yikes yikes.
There is no saving this relationship, only saving yourself. He's not a stray dog that can be nurtured into a good companion. He's a walking red flag and he will drag you down to his level if you let him. Please escape while you can. This is not a normal or healthy relationship, and will only get worse. You're a kind person, but you need to be protecting yourself
posted by Jacen at 5:44 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
There is no saving this relationship, only saving yourself. He's not a stray dog that can be nurtured into a good companion. He's a walking red flag and he will drag you down to his level if you let him. Please escape while you can. This is not a normal or healthy relationship, and will only get worse. You're a kind person, but you need to be protecting yourself
posted by Jacen at 5:44 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
If this will escalate to something worse, or can we bounce back from it.
Yes, it will.
No, you won't.
helped with meal prep, groceries, furniture assembly, cleaning, planning, took my dog for a walk sometime
The good qualities you describe about him aren't even the good qualities you'd have with a friend. They're things that hired help would do. I'm very sorry you haven't been loved as well as you should in your life. But the good news is that there is no emotional entanglement tying you to this dangerous man.
So now we're talking about concrete tangibles. What do you need that will make it possible for you to leave and never have to talk to him again? Specifically what do you need? Mefi can help find those resources for you in your location if you tell us.
posted by phunniemee at 5:49 AM on February 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
Yes, it will.
No, you won't.
helped with meal prep, groceries, furniture assembly, cleaning, planning, took my dog for a walk sometime
The good qualities you describe about him aren't even the good qualities you'd have with a friend. They're things that hired help would do. I'm very sorry you haven't been loved as well as you should in your life. But the good news is that there is no emotional entanglement tying you to this dangerous man.
So now we're talking about concrete tangibles. What do you need that will make it possible for you to leave and never have to talk to him again? Specifically what do you need? Mefi can help find those resources for you in your location if you tell us.
posted by phunniemee at 5:49 AM on February 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
I am the child of a narcissistic parent who ended up in a healthy relationship after a string of terrible relationships. I can tell you that this behavior would never ever in a million years occur in a healthy partnership. Even if I were constantly texting an ex I’m 100% sure my husband would not behave this way.
If you were my close friend, I would tell you to leave this person. If you were my sibling, I would tell you to leave this person. If you were a stranger sitting next to me on an airplane, I would tell you to leave this person. Don’t hang around until he yo-yo’s back up to tolerable, thinking that this time things are going to go right. The dude has issues and you have already carried your share of these types of issues. Don’t be the collateral to his issues because he claims to promise you love. People who love you don’t do this sort of thing to you.
You sound like a skilled, competent and capable person. Check in your area for free services for people experiencing partner abuse. Please leave this person.
posted by donut_princess at 6:05 AM on February 12, 2023 [14 favorites]
If you were my close friend, I would tell you to leave this person. If you were my sibling, I would tell you to leave this person. If you were a stranger sitting next to me on an airplane, I would tell you to leave this person. Don’t hang around until he yo-yo’s back up to tolerable, thinking that this time things are going to go right. The dude has issues and you have already carried your share of these types of issues. Don’t be the collateral to his issues because he claims to promise you love. People who love you don’t do this sort of thing to you.
You sound like a skilled, competent and capable person. Check in your area for free services for people experiencing partner abuse. Please leave this person.
posted by donut_princess at 6:05 AM on February 12, 2023 [14 favorites]
Dump him. Also, dump the ex. Change your phone number and go no-contact from all the abusive assholes in your life. This guys doesn’t even deserve his dog.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:08 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:08 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
Also based on your quotation mark usage, you may be in Denmark, Germany, Austria, or Slovenia. I’m sure mefi can help you find resources in your present country if you can safely specify it. Heck, I will take extra time out of my day to find you these resources.
posted by donut_princess at 6:08 AM on February 12, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by donut_princess at 6:08 AM on February 12, 2023 [12 favorites]
I secretly daydream about being alone probably too often, despite knowing it can get difficult, lonely and a financial suicide.
None of these worries are true, or at least not exclusive to being single, DTMFA
posted by Lanark at 6:17 AM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
None of these worries are true, or at least not exclusive to being single, DTMFA
posted by Lanark at 6:17 AM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Leave.
There is a 100 percent chance your boyfriend will escalate. One hundred percent. More rage, more screaming, more drunkenness. There's also a very high probability that he will escalate from verbal abuse to physical abuse. If you put up with it the first time, he will assume that you will put up with it a second time and he will keep pushing your boundaries farther and farther. Escalation is not a likelihood, it is a guarantee.
Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave. Don't talk to him, don't tell him how angry you are or how he hurt you, don't explain why you are leaving, don't make any final attempts at saving the relationship, don't say anything at all. Just leave as quickly as you can.
posted by cubeb at 6:33 AM on February 12, 2023 [19 favorites]
There is a 100 percent chance your boyfriend will escalate. One hundred percent. More rage, more screaming, more drunkenness. There's also a very high probability that he will escalate from verbal abuse to physical abuse. If you put up with it the first time, he will assume that you will put up with it a second time and he will keep pushing your boundaries farther and farther. Escalation is not a likelihood, it is a guarantee.
Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave. Don't talk to him, don't tell him how angry you are or how he hurt you, don't explain why you are leaving, don't make any final attempts at saving the relationship, don't say anything at all. Just leave as quickly as you can.
posted by cubeb at 6:33 AM on February 12, 2023 [19 favorites]
The MeFi Wiki There is help page has listings of domestic abuse support organisations in many countries around the world, so you might find one there that can help you. Don’t let yourself think that your situation is “not bad enough” to be deserving of this help. As others have said, this behaviour is already abusive and is likely to get worse. You can even just give them a call to start with and chat anonymously to get a feel for things and some basic advice on how to leave safely.
Also: Being single is totally fine. It’s definitely better than jumping between abusive relationships. Don’t let society or your history pressure you into feeling like the only way to prove that you’re a healthy human being is to be in a relationship. Sounds like you’re at a place in your life where you’d absolutely thrive from being a free spirit for a while.
posted by penguin pie at 6:43 AM on February 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
Also: Being single is totally fine. It’s definitely better than jumping between abusive relationships. Don’t let society or your history pressure you into feeling like the only way to prove that you’re a healthy human being is to be in a relationship. Sounds like you’re at a place in your life where you’d absolutely thrive from being a free spirit for a while.
posted by penguin pie at 6:43 AM on February 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
Please consider looking for Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families meetings online, in your native language. Those of us were grew up parenting our parents sometimes need help in learning what healthy relationships and maturity look like. You can find that help and understanding at the right meetings. Not all are good fits, so try out a bunch and see if you find one or more that work for you. Or you can try Al-Anon meetings online or both. Al-Anon is for the friends and family members of people with alcohol problems.
You cannot save your boyfriend but you can save yourself. It does not have to be immediately but you can learn to take care of yourself step by step. There is good advice above. Humans often think in black and white but life is mostly nuance and shades of gray. However much you may love each other, your partner's behavior is unacceptable.
It may be difficult for you to recognise unacceptable behavior thanks to your childhood. This, for example, is totally fucked up: I was also regularly a sex-consultant to my parents as a 14-16 years old virgin, in addition having to listen to intimate details about father's previous relationships and sex partners, ie firmness of their body parts and how much better and involved into sex they were than my mother. I can recognise that as fucked up because my dad had similar behavior toward me, but that was when I was in my 40s, not when I was an innocent teenager.
You have been trained to accept the unacceptable and, if you are like me, probably need to learn how to set and hold appropriate boundaries. The 12-step meetings I mentioned, as well as therapy, can help. In a healthy relationship, you don't have to earn the right to be treated well. You're just treated well, because that is how healthy partners treat each other.
Finally, as someone who has been involved with several alcoholics (first my dad, then later partners), this is how you handle someone coming home in a drunken rage: You leave and talk to your partner after they are sober. So please come up with plans A and B for dealing with your drunken partner because this will happen again. I am so sorry your partner is treating you so badly.
posted by Bella Donna at 6:49 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
You cannot save your boyfriend but you can save yourself. It does not have to be immediately but you can learn to take care of yourself step by step. There is good advice above. Humans often think in black and white but life is mostly nuance and shades of gray. However much you may love each other, your partner's behavior is unacceptable.
It may be difficult for you to recognise unacceptable behavior thanks to your childhood. This, for example, is totally fucked up: I was also regularly a sex-consultant to my parents as a 14-16 years old virgin, in addition having to listen to intimate details about father's previous relationships and sex partners, ie firmness of their body parts and how much better and involved into sex they were than my mother. I can recognise that as fucked up because my dad had similar behavior toward me, but that was when I was in my 40s, not when I was an innocent teenager.
You have been trained to accept the unacceptable and, if you are like me, probably need to learn how to set and hold appropriate boundaries. The 12-step meetings I mentioned, as well as therapy, can help. In a healthy relationship, you don't have to earn the right to be treated well. You're just treated well, because that is how healthy partners treat each other.
Finally, as someone who has been involved with several alcoholics (first my dad, then later partners), this is how you handle someone coming home in a drunken rage: You leave and talk to your partner after they are sober. So please come up with plans A and B for dealing with your drunken partner because this will happen again. I am so sorry your partner is treating you so badly.
posted by Bella Donna at 6:49 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Specifics don't matter. He got drunk, he behaved abusively. The only way you can safely go forward in this relationship is if he makes an enormous commitment to never drink again, and you both understand that if he gets buzzed merely to a point of being soppy affectionate the relationship is over and done.
This is the first time. All the times after this have the probability of being worse.
Get his ex's number and make friends, drop him.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:03 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is the first time. All the times after this have the probability of being worse.
Get his ex's number and make friends, drop him.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:03 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." --- Maya Angelou.
posted by SPrintF at 7:06 AM on February 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 7:06 AM on February 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
Seldom do I see a relationships question where the right answer is so clear. Break up with this man! He pressured you to move faster in the relationship than you felt comfortable with. He dumped the care of his dog on you. He drinks excessively, he has no respect for your privacy, he rages and screams at you. There is nothing to bounce back from. I feel concerned for your safety if you continue with this relationship. Leave now before you get more entangled with him.
posted by 4rtemis at 7:26 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by 4rtemis at 7:26 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
All very good advice here but I wanted to add-- staying with him may also be financial suicide. There's a good chance that if you stay in the relationship he'll escalate to using you financially, as you're more established than his previous girlfriends. Have seen this happen with friends who were with men with drinking problems, they know that the woman will always be responsible so they slack off and start using her cash and credit. She ends up with ruined credit and no resources because he's drunk it all away.
posted by kingdead at 7:40 AM on February 12, 2023 [16 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 7:40 AM on February 12, 2023 [16 favorites]
Over time I’ve gradually come to think the general tenor of AskMe answers are a bit too quick to recommend dumping someone.
On this occasion this is exactly the right thing to do.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:42 AM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
On this occasion this is exactly the right thing to do.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:42 AM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Lots of good advice above. I'll be brief.
You've been love bombed by an abuser. Abusers can only maintain the facade temporarily . What you are seeing is his true self as his facade is starting to falter. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE FROM HERE.
Beware anyone who wants to move too quickly in a relationship, they are usually trying to get you trapped before the facade crumbles.
I'd recommend reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.
posted by CleverClover at 8:17 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
You've been love bombed by an abuser. Abusers can only maintain the facade temporarily . What you are seeing is his true self as his facade is starting to falter. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE FROM HERE.
Beware anyone who wants to move too quickly in a relationship, they are usually trying to get you trapped before the facade crumbles.
I'd recommend reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.
posted by CleverClover at 8:17 AM on February 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
I strongly suggest reading The Gift Of Fear. It explains in detail and with many examples why you need to be away from this person.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:24 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:24 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
Also. It sounds like your father made you more of a partner than a child. I'd suggest reading
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners By Kenneth M. Adams, PhD
This book covers non-sexual incestuous relationships between parent and child. While that's a difficult/awkward term to hear, it refers the the relationship when a parent confides too much in a child and treats them more like a peer or partner than a normal parent child relationship. This book helped me understand and move toward fixing the damage of having a mother who *gossiped* with me about her sex life with my stepfather. She would talk about things like his penis size and how it compared to my biological father's penis, etc. Wholly inappropriate conversations to have with your child.
posted by CleverClover at 8:29 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners By Kenneth M. Adams, PhD
This book covers non-sexual incestuous relationships between parent and child. While that's a difficult/awkward term to hear, it refers the the relationship when a parent confides too much in a child and treats them more like a peer or partner than a normal parent child relationship. This book helped me understand and move toward fixing the damage of having a mother who *gossiped* with me about her sex life with my stepfather. She would talk about things like his penis size and how it compared to my biological father's penis, etc. Wholly inappropriate conversations to have with your child.
posted by CleverClover at 8:29 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
Leave. It is not possible for you to fix this.
The guy sounds exactly like the guy I was in a long term abusive relationship with. It started out this way and only escalated. In fact, I knew early on that it was not going to last, because of an incident very similar to this, but I could never convince myself that I had to leave until it all hit rock bottom, so I am saying leave now. And get therapy for yourself, it seems that you have had a lot of trauma in your life. Sending lots of love. Be brave and strong.
posted by maggiemaggie at 8:52 AM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
The guy sounds exactly like the guy I was in a long term abusive relationship with. It started out this way and only escalated. In fact, I knew early on that it was not going to last, because of an incident very similar to this, but I could never convince myself that I had to leave until it all hit rock bottom, so I am saying leave now. And get therapy for yourself, it seems that you have had a lot of trauma in your life. Sending lots of love. Be brave and strong.
posted by maggiemaggie at 8:52 AM on February 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
From your question - drunken rage, yelled at me and demanded, moving too fast for me, making a public drama, tantrum, drunk, having issues with me texting to my ex, dreaded, exhausted, scared, He still insisted, broke down and started crying from pressure
This is abuse. He is not safe. He has issues with violence, honesty, control. He has a dog he neglects. It's all red flags. He may be able to fix his own life in the future, but you cannot fix him, and the relationship is not only not workable, it is dangerous. In this situation, violence will only escalate.
You deserve a relationship, partnership, care, love. It is not available with him. Please make a safety plan, work with the family violence resources wherever you are. Come back and tell us you are safe. People on metafilter are a great resource for help, all over the world.
posted by theora55 at 10:04 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
This is abuse. He is not safe. He has issues with violence, honesty, control. He has a dog he neglects. It's all red flags. He may be able to fix his own life in the future, but you cannot fix him, and the relationship is not only not workable, it is dangerous. In this situation, violence will only escalate.
You deserve a relationship, partnership, care, love. It is not available with him. Please make a safety plan, work with the family violence resources wherever you are. Come back and tell us you are safe. People on metafilter are a great resource for help, all over the world.
posted by theora55 at 10:04 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Make a safety plan and then get out. Especially make sure your dog (if they're still with you) is not left alone with him.
I am not sure if it is my intuition or seeing a »greener grass«.
The grass without abuse is always greener. I guarantee it. Whatever your character flaws may be, you deserve to live in a home where no one comes home and screams at you in a drunken rage. You deserve better than a man who belittles you even when he's not drunk. You deserve to feel safe and happy and free. Get out.
posted by praemunire at 10:13 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
I am not sure if it is my intuition or seeing a »greener grass«.
The grass without abuse is always greener. I guarantee it. Whatever your character flaws may be, you deserve to live in a home where no one comes home and screams at you in a drunken rage. You deserve better than a man who belittles you even when he's not drunk. You deserve to feel safe and happy and free. Get out.
posted by praemunire at 10:13 AM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Hi.
The alcohol is a red flag here. I've dated alcoholics who never did this and would have been aghast and immediately checked themself into detox if they had. At base, alcohol reveals people as they are at their worst. This man is comfortable treating you this way. It's not about the alcohol, it's about him.
Please take steps to keep yourself safe.
posted by corb at 10:20 AM on February 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
The alcohol is a red flag here. I've dated alcoholics who never did this and would have been aghast and immediately checked themself into detox if they had. At base, alcohol reveals people as they are at their worst. This man is comfortable treating you this way. It's not about the alcohol, it's about him.
Please take steps to keep yourself safe.
posted by corb at 10:20 AM on February 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
RUN!!!
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 11:50 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 11:50 AM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
Also, please don't stay for the dog. He'll figure it out, like he always has.
Do not allow yourself to become trapped.
posted by M. at 11:57 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
Do not allow yourself to become trapped.
posted by M. at 11:57 AM on February 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think that because you have been treated badly and inappropriately by many people for a long time, you have developed a complicated set of skills for dealing with with them. and because you are, in a way, accustomed to having bizarre and threatening behavior directed at you, you ask yourself different questions than most people would. for example, when your boyfriend explodes at you, you may think: Why is he doing this? What can I do to help him change and improve? How should I conduct myself in this relationship to make it better?
whereas a person without your experiences and expectations would have very different reflexes. the only questions they would ask would be: Should I leave right this second while he is still screaming, or wait until he's asleep so he can't follow me? Do I need to seek legal help or is it enough to just tell everyone I know that he's dangerous and never speak to him ever again?
sometimes a strength is also a weakness. in this case, your ability to tolerate close contact with horrible, aggressive, irrational men has got in the way of you knowing that you don't have to. so you have other conditioned reactions interfering with the reflex that should tell you to simply GET OUT whenever anyone does something awful to you. but you can still decide to do that even when you don't feel it as an instinct. it's so much better and simpler than all this.
it doesn't matter if it feels in some way normal for you to be treated strangely and badly. whenever someone acts like this, get out and don't go back. every single time.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:57 PM on February 12, 2023 [27 favorites]
whereas a person without your experiences and expectations would have very different reflexes. the only questions they would ask would be: Should I leave right this second while he is still screaming, or wait until he's asleep so he can't follow me? Do I need to seek legal help or is it enough to just tell everyone I know that he's dangerous and never speak to him ever again?
sometimes a strength is also a weakness. in this case, your ability to tolerate close contact with horrible, aggressive, irrational men has got in the way of you knowing that you don't have to. so you have other conditioned reactions interfering with the reflex that should tell you to simply GET OUT whenever anyone does something awful to you. but you can still decide to do that even when you don't feel it as an instinct. it's so much better and simpler than all this.
it doesn't matter if it feels in some way normal for you to be treated strangely and badly. whenever someone acts like this, get out and don't go back. every single time.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:57 PM on February 12, 2023 [27 favorites]
Nthing to end it.
And also pointing out that he has you feeling so mixed up and confused that you're trying to find the explanation by looking back your your teenaged years.
You deserve better.
And your English is very good.
posted by mermaidcafe at 2:18 PM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
And also pointing out that he has you feeling so mixed up and confused that you're trying to find the explanation by looking back your your teenaged years.
You deserve better.
And your English is very good.
posted by mermaidcafe at 2:18 PM on February 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
Nthing to DTMFA. He's shown his true colors and it will only be more difficult to disengage as time goes on.
posted by Aleyn at 5:03 PM on February 12, 2023
posted by Aleyn at 5:03 PM on February 12, 2023
Once you reach the point you're not sure whether he'll be violent with you, it's time to go (probably past time). Please think of your own safety first and get away from him. You will survive financially and emotionally.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 5:59 PM on February 12, 2023
posted by gentlyepigrams at 5:59 PM on February 12, 2023
I'm usually the voice of reason saying give things a chance, etc. This time - run the fuck away and don't look back!
You have a lot going for you and, perhaps most important, you've learned how to be tough and to survive. Use that toughness to get out and stay out. Change your number and cut ties with other exs while you're at it. Give yourself a chance to start fresh as much as you can.
You deserve so much better than this. Once you are a bit more settled, make sure you don't forget that.
posted by dg at 8:44 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
You have a lot going for you and, perhaps most important, you've learned how to be tough and to survive. Use that toughness to get out and stay out. Change your number and cut ties with other exs while you're at it. Give yourself a chance to start fresh as much as you can.
You deserve so much better than this. Once you are a bit more settled, make sure you don't forget that.
posted by dg at 8:44 PM on February 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
If it helps to hear how other people live - if my partner came home drunk, he would already be apologizing for being drunk as he came in the door (even though, sometimes, adults drink to the point of being drunk and I don't have a moral problem with it, in general.)
He would then, most likely, start crying because life is a raw experience, OR, he'd go on and on about how I'm "too good for him" and apologizing for not being a better partner, and telling me how much he loves me and saying gushing things about what he likes about me. That's his go-to place when his defenses are down and he thinks about me, and our relationship. He has nothing to apologize for, he is an excellent and good partner, but his go-to place is being thankful for me and our relationship. My go-to place when my defenses are down is the same - gratitude.
He would never rage at me. He's good at raging at the world, in general, completely sober (his rants are endearing and do not damage his relationships with real people) but if he EVER came home and raged at me like you've described? He would likely pack his things and leave in the morning, to protect me from me from him.
You've been working hard at processing life - your guy can't even handle the feelings of vulnerability that being in a relationship are giving him. Instead of having normal worries about whether he measures up for you, he's angry at you for making him feel vulnerable. It's dangerous, and others have already covered this aspect, which is very real. My next bit may sound frivolous, but I think it's also true. It's embarrassing that he can't feel vulnerable without lashing out at you and frankly, it's not sexy. Even if I could guarantee my safety in a relationship with this guy, I'd have a hard time ever finding him sexy again, and this is the risk men are taking when they're assholes in relationships.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:06 AM on February 13, 2023 [6 favorites]
He would then, most likely, start crying because life is a raw experience, OR, he'd go on and on about how I'm "too good for him" and apologizing for not being a better partner, and telling me how much he loves me and saying gushing things about what he likes about me. That's his go-to place when his defenses are down and he thinks about me, and our relationship. He has nothing to apologize for, he is an excellent and good partner, but his go-to place is being thankful for me and our relationship. My go-to place when my defenses are down is the same - gratitude.
He would never rage at me. He's good at raging at the world, in general, completely sober (his rants are endearing and do not damage his relationships with real people) but if he EVER came home and raged at me like you've described? He would likely pack his things and leave in the morning, to protect me from me from him.
You've been working hard at processing life - your guy can't even handle the feelings of vulnerability that being in a relationship are giving him. Instead of having normal worries about whether he measures up for you, he's angry at you for making him feel vulnerable. It's dangerous, and others have already covered this aspect, which is very real. My next bit may sound frivolous, but I think it's also true. It's embarrassing that he can't feel vulnerable without lashing out at you and frankly, it's not sexy. Even if I could guarantee my safety in a relationship with this guy, I'd have a hard time ever finding him sexy again, and this is the risk men are taking when they're assholes in relationships.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:06 AM on February 13, 2023 [6 favorites]
Nope nope nope shut it down. It's your flat? Then he should come home to a changed lock and his stuff in a box outside.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:58 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:58 AM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you have to dump him. I'm sorry, but he is too broken and can't be fixed. It happens. The sooner you're out of it is the sooner you can pick up your own life and move on. There is no saving this. Maybe someday he will want to save himself but there's nothing you can do to even hurry that along.
I just want to tell you two things that I don't think have really been covered.
First off, being single is fine. I've been single for many years - I am old enough to be your mom - and it wasn't financial suicide and I'm not lonely. In fact, I look around at all the people I know in completely terrible relationships and I feel lucky and relieved.
Second, none of this is your fault. You didn't do anything at all to make him angry. This is all him. If it hadn't been texting your ex he would have found some other stupid reason to rage at you. And, you are not drawing horrible men to you. There are a lot of them out there - more, maybe, than not horrible men. It is the luck of the draw and it fully sucks. Don't beat yourself up, don't go digging into your past for reasons why you are terrible for missing the red flags, etc: just go, wow, hey, I got targeted by a random asshole and now I am free. Phew! I have escaped!
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:30 PM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
I just want to tell you two things that I don't think have really been covered.
First off, being single is fine. I've been single for many years - I am old enough to be your mom - and it wasn't financial suicide and I'm not lonely. In fact, I look around at all the people I know in completely terrible relationships and I feel lucky and relieved.
Second, none of this is your fault. You didn't do anything at all to make him angry. This is all him. If it hadn't been texting your ex he would have found some other stupid reason to rage at you. And, you are not drawing horrible men to you. There are a lot of them out there - more, maybe, than not horrible men. It is the luck of the draw and it fully sucks. Don't beat yourself up, don't go digging into your past for reasons why you are terrible for missing the red flags, etc: just go, wow, hey, I got targeted by a random asshole and now I am free. Phew! I have escaped!
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:30 PM on February 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
DTMFA. (dump the MF already) He's having psychotic episodes that are encouraged by alcohol. I dated his sister and tried to "help" for too long. It ended up with the police at my house, I called them.
It does not get better without some heavy mental health help. And he isn't going to get it because to him, he is just fine, everyone else has a problem.
Get out now.
posted by rudd135 at 6:38 PM on February 13, 2023
It does not get better without some heavy mental health help. And he isn't going to get it because to him, he is just fine, everyone else has a problem.
Get out now.
posted by rudd135 at 6:38 PM on February 13, 2023
I had a similar boyfriend. Older than me, put together, showered me with affection. I loved him deeply.
The first time he yelled at me I made excuses for him.
The second time he drank himself into a stupor and ruined a romantic dinner out by aggressively arguing with our waiter, he apologized and I got over it.
Over the next few years I realized he was an alcoholic. I had gotten used to weeks where he was unreachable. I was being told to fuck off and that he hates me and it’s all my fault that I ruined his life.
I won’t tell you what to do. All I’ll say is I deeply regret that I didn’t see the early signs for what they were, and I’m angry now, when it’s too late. They were symptoms of someone who is deeply deeply hurt, hiding a serious lifelong addiction. His problems were there long before me and stayed after me.
I learned that he had been struggling for over ten years. We had only been dating a month that first time he yelled at me. What chance did our relationship have against those odds?
posted by hotchocolate at 1:45 AM on February 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
The first time he yelled at me I made excuses for him.
The second time he drank himself into a stupor and ruined a romantic dinner out by aggressively arguing with our waiter, he apologized and I got over it.
Over the next few years I realized he was an alcoholic. I had gotten used to weeks where he was unreachable. I was being told to fuck off and that he hates me and it’s all my fault that I ruined his life.
I won’t tell you what to do. All I’ll say is I deeply regret that I didn’t see the early signs for what they were, and I’m angry now, when it’s too late. They were symptoms of someone who is deeply deeply hurt, hiding a serious lifelong addiction. His problems were there long before me and stayed after me.
I learned that he had been struggling for over ten years. We had only been dating a month that first time he yelled at me. What chance did our relationship have against those odds?
posted by hotchocolate at 1:45 AM on February 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by needs more cowbell at 4:09 AM on February 12, 2023 [114 favorites]