How should I deal with this situation involving my sister?
January 15, 2023 10:27 AM Subscribe
My sister gets mad if I use their groceries, but has no issue using mine. (Snowflakes inside...)
I'm living with my sister and her family at the moment. I buy groceries for myself, but if I have things like orange juice or apple juice, her kids sometimes drink it. I don't mind because there's more than enough of it.
However my sister made a comment recently about how she had a box of kleenex in the laundry room but "someone took it". I remember a month or so ago taking a box because I sneezed and desperately needed a tissue, but it was on the shelf with the other boxes of kleenex. (I assumed someone opened it, didn't need it, and put it back.) Now my sister moved the kleenex supply to another area.
I feel like it's sort of unfair though because it seems like it's okay if they use the items I buy, yet it's not okay if I use their stuff. If they buy dinner, I always give them money for food, but they never do the same if I buy them food. Am I overreacting? Any advice?
I'm living with my sister and her family at the moment. I buy groceries for myself, but if I have things like orange juice or apple juice, her kids sometimes drink it. I don't mind because there's more than enough of it.
However my sister made a comment recently about how she had a box of kleenex in the laundry room but "someone took it". I remember a month or so ago taking a box because I sneezed and desperately needed a tissue, but it was on the shelf with the other boxes of kleenex. (I assumed someone opened it, didn't need it, and put it back.) Now my sister moved the kleenex supply to another area.
I feel like it's sort of unfair though because it seems like it's okay if they use the items I buy, yet it's not okay if I use their stuff. If they buy dinner, I always give them money for food, but they never do the same if I buy them food. Am I overreacting? Any advice?
Are you paying rent to your sister and her family? If not, they might feel like using your stuff from time to time is fair, but that you using their stuff is a bridge too far given that you are already getting free housing from them. If that's the case, then like Dashy above, I'd recommend sucking it up and even being extra generous with them.
If you do have some kind of financial arrangement, then it might be worth discussing the situation openly with your sister and perhaps agreeing to pay a little bit more in exchange for the use of family supplies like Kleenex.
posted by rpfields at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
If you do have some kind of financial arrangement, then it might be worth discussing the situation openly with your sister and perhaps agreeing to pay a little bit more in exchange for the use of family supplies like Kleenex.
posted by rpfields at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
I take it your sister is letting you live rent-free? So, she's doing you a favor there. In that light, I don't understand your sense of conflict - presumably if you had said "Oh that was me, I thought since there were many on the shelf it would be ok, but I'm sorry if that was wrong, I won't do it again" your sister would accept that? And I would assume that your sister is not offering you money when you buy them food because she's assuming that's meant as a gift in thanks for the fact she's giving you a place to live.
posted by coffeecat at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
No, you're not overreacting. I can't imagine being like that with my sibling (when we've lived together). While we could squabble about a lot of things, we never fought over food and groceries and supplies like this, no matter who paid for them.
Yes, technically, as the guest it's up to you to be generous, but personally, I would be fuming to be treated like that.
posted by sardonyx at 10:51 AM on January 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
Yes, technically, as the guest it's up to you to be generous, but personally, I would be fuming to be treated like that.
posted by sardonyx at 10:51 AM on January 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
Agree, not worth getting upset about. For one thing, even if you’re paying rent, your sister is doing you a favor by letting you live with her. You should keep that kindness in mind and try to repay it.
But more importantly, you don’t actually know that “it's okay if they use the items I buy, yet it's not okay if I use their stuff”. That’s just jumping to conclusions. Perhaps your sister isn’t aware that her kids are drinking your orange juice, and if she were, she’d tell them to stop. Or maybe the Kleenex incident want about *you* taking it, but anyone taking it, and it not being where she expected. Maybe she sneezed and desperately needed a tissue, and didn’t have one handy because the box she expected to be there wasn’t. Maybe there’s more context to the story than you’ve provided, but this seems like a misunderstanding to me, which… often happens when people live together. You’re taking something pretty mundane and blowing it up into something serious.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:55 AM on January 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
But more importantly, you don’t actually know that “it's okay if they use the items I buy, yet it's not okay if I use their stuff”. That’s just jumping to conclusions. Perhaps your sister isn’t aware that her kids are drinking your orange juice, and if she were, she’d tell them to stop. Or maybe the Kleenex incident want about *you* taking it, but anyone taking it, and it not being where she expected. Maybe she sneezed and desperately needed a tissue, and didn’t have one handy because the box she expected to be there wasn’t. Maybe there’s more context to the story than you’ve provided, but this seems like a misunderstanding to me, which… often happens when people live together. You’re taking something pretty mundane and blowing it up into something serious.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:55 AM on January 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
No idea what your circumstances and arrangements with your sister are. But if you’re there for more than a couple of weeks you are not a guest, you’re a roommate for all intents and purposes. Possibly one with complex relationship history and dynamics between the two of you, that get layered with you moving into an existing household with established ways of doing things and its own family dynamics. So you’re bound to have points of friction despite everyone trying to play nice.
Consider setting up a mechanism for you and her to check in about the arrangement periodically, how things are working, anything that maybe is causing frustrations and could do with fine tuning etc. and also about how you’re doing with whatever you’re trying to achieve by moving in.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:24 AM on January 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
Consider setting up a mechanism for you and her to check in about the arrangement periodically, how things are working, anything that maybe is causing frustrations and could do with fine tuning etc. and also about how you’re doing with whatever you’re trying to achieve by moving in.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:24 AM on January 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
It’s so absolutely normal to both notice and feel strongly about petty double standards when one is in a situation of relative powerlessness. So, so normal. If there’s goodwill, trust and no abusiveness from your sister this might be discussable (regular check in as mentioned in the comment above is a great idea), but if not, it’s worth picking your battles until you’re able to move on. That doesn’t make you wrong for feeling slighted! Picking one’s battles in these contexts is tactical advice that I’ve found useful in my own life.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:26 AM on January 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:26 AM on January 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
I can 100% understand why these little things become big things to you. The best way to diffuse it is to keep the little things... little. When your sister says she's missing a box of tissues, you just say "oh, right, I have that in my room. do you need it back?" and when her kids drink all your juice say "wow, you might want to add juice to your shopping list; the kids seem to love it."
Basically, whenever possible, endeavor to keep a conversation focused on the thing it's actually about, and don't load it up with assumptions, ancient sibling rivalries, ideas of 'fairness,' or any other baggage. That's how things get really messy, really fast.
posted by nkknkk at 11:32 AM on January 15, 2023 [27 favorites]
Basically, whenever possible, endeavor to keep a conversation focused on the thing it's actually about, and don't load it up with assumptions, ancient sibling rivalries, ideas of 'fairness,' or any other baggage. That's how things get really messy, really fast.
posted by nkknkk at 11:32 AM on January 15, 2023 [27 favorites]
Do you have an arrangement with your sister? Eg. Do you pay her rent, utilities, internet use etc? Do you do housework? Or babysit? Do you both know / agree on how long you will live with her?
If you don't, or never agreed on details or conditions i strongly recommend you sit down, discuss expectations and draw up a simple agreement. It does not need to be like a legal document but should note down whatever you agree upon.
My brother lived with me for six years and while we mostly enjoyed it, some things are best discussed. Especially stuff like who buys household staples such as toilet paper and tissues, or cleaning supplies etc can be quite aggrevating if not discussed.
posted by 15L06 at 12:08 PM on January 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you don't, or never agreed on details or conditions i strongly recommend you sit down, discuss expectations and draw up a simple agreement. It does not need to be like a legal document but should note down whatever you agree upon.
My brother lived with me for six years and while we mostly enjoyed it, some things are best discussed. Especially stuff like who buys household staples such as toilet paper and tissues, or cleaning supplies etc can be quite aggrevating if not discussed.
posted by 15L06 at 12:08 PM on January 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
In my experience, when you're living with family as an adult you just have to let a lot of things go. Your sister sounds like a difficult person who says snippy shit a lot, but presumably you have your reasons for living with her anyway, and you gain nothing by making a fuss about her comments.
posted by potrzebie at 12:50 PM on January 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 12:50 PM on January 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
my sister made a comment recently about how she had a box of kleenex in the laundry room but "someone took it".
how could she have known it was you, why would you think she was directing that at you?
a lot of people live in your house, someone moves something you put somewhere for a reason and now you don't know where anything is, you don't know where to direct your annoyance, you end up complaining into the empty air. people who get pissy about this stuff are usually not bothered that you dared to take a tissue you didn't personally pay for, they get aggravated because they are responsible for keeping up a household inventory and organization but every time they put something down it moves. kids alone will ruin people's nerves this way even without any houseguests to make it worse.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:15 PM on January 15, 2023 [12 favorites]
how could she have known it was you, why would you think she was directing that at you?
a lot of people live in your house, someone moves something you put somewhere for a reason and now you don't know where anything is, you don't know where to direct your annoyance, you end up complaining into the empty air. people who get pissy about this stuff are usually not bothered that you dared to take a tissue you didn't personally pay for, they get aggravated because they are responsible for keeping up a household inventory and organization but every time they put something down it moves. kids alone will ruin people's nerves this way even without any houseguests to make it worse.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:15 PM on January 15, 2023 [12 favorites]
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Also, avoid the always / never assessments.
posted by Dashy at 10:42 AM on January 15, 2023 [25 favorites]