How did you come to terms with how dysfunctional your family is?
October 11, 2022 7:08 AM Subscribe
How did you come to terms with how dysfunctional your family is?
My family is completely dysfunctional. I am living with them, at their request, trying to manage their medical health issues which are various, and I am shocked and heartbroken by the extent of their dysfunction.
I always knew this to be the case. As a child I was constantly trying to broker peace between warring family members. But as an adult, living with them for an extended period of time after living independently for years has brought home to me inescapably how awful they are to each other: unable to have a civilised disagreement without it degenerating into shouting, guilt-tripping and tears (and they always feel better afterwards), distrustful of each other, constantly interfering, emotionally manipulating etc, etc. Each of them is the victim of their own drama wherein everyone else is trying to thwart them. They will say horrible things and then get shocked if you have the nerve to be offended by what they have said.
They are elderly and sick with cognitive dysfunction, which no doubt plays a huge role in the above; I have done everything I can to ensure their physical health and safety including setting up 24/7 caregivers, ensuring they have the medical care they need, etc. They wholeheartedly reject any further help.
I want to just let them figure their own shit now but I find it very hard not to care about their wellbeing! I don't want to constantly be managing individuals or situations to ensure another fight doesn't blow up. I'm exhausted, and I was recently diagnosed with hypertension after never previously having blood pressure problems, which I attribute entirely to this situation.
The thing is, they aren't bad people. They are just totally emotionally immature. I do love them and I can't stop myself from doing that and I don't want to stop loving them. I want them to be happy, healthy and safe but I have reached the limit of what I can do for them, as I cannot live their lives for them. I don't want to cut them off but I want to emotionally distance myself from them, just accept that they aren't the people I wish they were, and no amount of work and peacemaking on my part will help that. I feel so sad when I see my friends having functional relationships with their families and more to the point, their family members having functional relationships with each other without needing a child of the family to step in and fix things.
Seeking advice from MeFites who have similarly difficult families of origin. What did you do to accept them as they are? How did you deal with the sadness? What did you tell yourself?
NB: We are a multigenerational, South Asian family. I plan to leave as soon as I can.
My family is completely dysfunctional. I am living with them, at their request, trying to manage their medical health issues which are various, and I am shocked and heartbroken by the extent of their dysfunction.
I always knew this to be the case. As a child I was constantly trying to broker peace between warring family members. But as an adult, living with them for an extended period of time after living independently for years has brought home to me inescapably how awful they are to each other: unable to have a civilised disagreement without it degenerating into shouting, guilt-tripping and tears (and they always feel better afterwards), distrustful of each other, constantly interfering, emotionally manipulating etc, etc. Each of them is the victim of their own drama wherein everyone else is trying to thwart them. They will say horrible things and then get shocked if you have the nerve to be offended by what they have said.
They are elderly and sick with cognitive dysfunction, which no doubt plays a huge role in the above; I have done everything I can to ensure their physical health and safety including setting up 24/7 caregivers, ensuring they have the medical care they need, etc. They wholeheartedly reject any further help.
I want to just let them figure their own shit now but I find it very hard not to care about their wellbeing! I don't want to constantly be managing individuals or situations to ensure another fight doesn't blow up. I'm exhausted, and I was recently diagnosed with hypertension after never previously having blood pressure problems, which I attribute entirely to this situation.
The thing is, they aren't bad people. They are just totally emotionally immature. I do love them and I can't stop myself from doing that and I don't want to stop loving them. I want them to be happy, healthy and safe but I have reached the limit of what I can do for them, as I cannot live their lives for them. I don't want to cut them off but I want to emotionally distance myself from them, just accept that they aren't the people I wish they were, and no amount of work and peacemaking on my part will help that. I feel so sad when I see my friends having functional relationships with their families and more to the point, their family members having functional relationships with each other without needing a child of the family to step in and fix things.
Seeking advice from MeFites who have similarly difficult families of origin. What did you do to accept them as they are? How did you deal with the sadness? What did you tell yourself?
NB: We are a multigenerational, South Asian family. I plan to leave as soon as I can.
They say after a break-up it takes half the duration of the relationship to truly get over the relationship. Whether this is true in all cases, I don't know, but it is worth considering.
You have spent your whole life having a particular relationship to your family and their dysfunctions. It will take time; it will take longer than you think, to build a new relationship to these dysfunctions. Like planting a tree, the best time to do this work was 20 years ago, and the second-best time is today, so good for you for starting, and good luck to you.
posted by gauche at 7:42 AM on October 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
You have spent your whole life having a particular relationship to your family and their dysfunctions. It will take time; it will take longer than you think, to build a new relationship to these dysfunctions. Like planting a tree, the best time to do this work was 20 years ago, and the second-best time is today, so good for you for starting, and good luck to you.
posted by gauche at 7:42 AM on October 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
Learning about the "drama triangle" was probably the most helpful in terms of identifying not only the dysfunctional behavior of my family members, but also the dysfunctional role I was playing. It sounds like your role might be similar to mine--I took on responsibility for soothing people, fixing conflicts, and managing the emotional states of my various family members. Sitting with the drama triangle concept really helped me identify the need i was filling by playing those roles, and ultimately helped me learn to resist the compulsion to engage with my family in that dysfunctional manner.
It sounds silly but there is a lot of good content about it on YouTube. I also go to therapy with a trauma specialist, which I have found immensely helpful, but realize it's not an option for everyone. But just as a side note, it took close to a year of therapy and, ultimately, disengaging from my family to stabilize enough to start actually working on my trauma. I wish you luck--it sucks not to have a family that can meet your needs, but it is possible to get to a place of relative peace with that.
posted by ailouros08 at 7:58 AM on October 11, 2022 [11 favorites]
It sounds silly but there is a lot of good content about it on YouTube. I also go to therapy with a trauma specialist, which I have found immensely helpful, but realize it's not an option for everyone. But just as a side note, it took close to a year of therapy and, ultimately, disengaging from my family to stabilize enough to start actually working on my trauma. I wish you luck--it sucks not to have a family that can meet your needs, but it is possible to get to a place of relative peace with that.
posted by ailouros08 at 7:58 AM on October 11, 2022 [11 favorites]
I would maybe spend some time thinking (or talking with a therapist/friend if available) about what you wrote here: "The thing is, they aren't bad people. They are just totally emotionally immature."
Immature implies that they are on the way to becoming some sort of "better version" of themselves and shouldn't be judged harshly, but that honestly doesn't make sense for adults. They are who they are, and it's almost impossible to "fix" the relationship dynamics of elderly people with cognitive decline. It sounds like you are trying to manage them like you did as a child, but it's not working and it's not what they want from you.
Why is it bad if they get angry at each other over stupid things? You said they often feel better afterwards. No one outside your family will judge any of you harshly for this as it is very common. If they've been together this long, most of the drama is really going to be about things that happened decades in the past and no one can fix.
And that's fine, because that's not your role here. The important role is to care for them as they are and support them as best you can, and it sounds like you're doing a great job at that! You've done more than most people would do in this situation and it's obvious that you love your family. You've done the work to make sure they will be taken care of medically and that is more than enough.
posted by JZig at 8:15 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
Immature implies that they are on the way to becoming some sort of "better version" of themselves and shouldn't be judged harshly, but that honestly doesn't make sense for adults. They are who they are, and it's almost impossible to "fix" the relationship dynamics of elderly people with cognitive decline. It sounds like you are trying to manage them like you did as a child, but it's not working and it's not what they want from you.
Why is it bad if they get angry at each other over stupid things? You said they often feel better afterwards. No one outside your family will judge any of you harshly for this as it is very common. If they've been together this long, most of the drama is really going to be about things that happened decades in the past and no one can fix.
And that's fine, because that's not your role here. The important role is to care for them as they are and support them as best you can, and it sounds like you're doing a great job at that! You've done more than most people would do in this situation and it's obvious that you love your family. You've done the work to make sure they will be taken care of medically and that is more than enough.
posted by JZig at 8:15 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
I had to just accept the situation. You can't change it. You can't control it. Wanting to make it be different is what made me suffer. You can't make it different.
I used to try to help my family evolve. Then I realized that love is more about accepting where someone is at and loving them from that place. That attitude plus low contact have been my saving grace.
posted by crunchy potato at 8:16 AM on October 11, 2022 [12 favorites]
I used to try to help my family evolve. Then I realized that love is more about accepting where someone is at and loving them from that place. That attitude plus low contact have been my saving grace.
posted by crunchy potato at 8:16 AM on October 11, 2022 [12 favorites]
One interesting factoid I remember from Gottman's writings is that marriages can be very stable and still have a high level of conflict. Many of the couples he wrote about would fight fiercely about the same things, year after year, never resolving: it was just fundamentally part of their intimacy with one another. But they periodically made up and overall stayed together, so throughout the tempests their revealed preference was to stay in each other's lives.
Across cultures, social classes and individual personalities, I think there's quite a bit of variation in the baseline level of emotional intensity (good AND bad) that feels healthy and appropriate in relationships. I notice that the negative language you use to describe your relatives' way of relating ("immature," "dysfunctional") is drawn from in the purely conventional norms of modern US therapeutic dogma-- is it possible that some of this is a cross-cultural issue, and that you're partly projecting urban Western cultural norms on people who were just brought up with a different way of doing family? After all, it's not as though there are zero problems with our own WEIRD ideal of cool, distant, carefully bounded voluntary relationships between fully atomized individuals. High-conflict and low-conflict, enmeshed and detached, all these ways of relating come with their upsides and downsides, functions and dysfunctions.
Of course, it's possible that your relatives are now, or were always, bad at relationships even by the standards of whatever cultural context they're drawing on. But also being mindful of the potential culture gap might make it easier for you to reach a place of acceptance with the way they relate.
posted by Bardolph at 8:21 AM on October 11, 2022 [13 favorites]
Across cultures, social classes and individual personalities, I think there's quite a bit of variation in the baseline level of emotional intensity (good AND bad) that feels healthy and appropriate in relationships. I notice that the negative language you use to describe your relatives' way of relating ("immature," "dysfunctional") is drawn from in the purely conventional norms of modern US therapeutic dogma-- is it possible that some of this is a cross-cultural issue, and that you're partly projecting urban Western cultural norms on people who were just brought up with a different way of doing family? After all, it's not as though there are zero problems with our own WEIRD ideal of cool, distant, carefully bounded voluntary relationships between fully atomized individuals. High-conflict and low-conflict, enmeshed and detached, all these ways of relating come with their upsides and downsides, functions and dysfunctions.
Of course, it's possible that your relatives are now, or were always, bad at relationships even by the standards of whatever cultural context they're drawing on. But also being mindful of the potential culture gap might make it easier for you to reach a place of acceptance with the way they relate.
posted by Bardolph at 8:21 AM on October 11, 2022 [13 favorites]
warriorqueen's answer is spot on, in that you already have the answer.
My breaking point with my dad was 15 years ago, when after years of verbal and emotional abuse he acted like a complete psycho at my college graduation, insulting me to my face, getting insulted that I wasn't skipping Commencement Weekend activities (including one in which I was awarded an academic achievement award and one honoring student leaders in clubs - I was president of an org - events to which family was invited and HE SKIPPED) in favor of sitting in a hotel with him and my family talking shit about the rest of my family. (Shit talking family with other family is his favorite activity - and then when talking to other family he'll shit talk the batch of family he was shit talking with before. I always wonder what shit he's saying about me when I'm not around.) He also behaved very poorly with the family who attended with him, to the point where my godmother was so appalled that she needed to schedule an emergency appointment with her therapist when she went home to process his behavior towards HER. He was so awful to me when I was moving out of my shared house that my housemates were legitimately worried for my safety when I left. I didn't talk to him for months. I got a half-assed apology when my god sister (who is blunt and no nonsense) finally called him to say his behavior was unacceptable but I still avoided him.
Since then it's been more of the same - now worse because he's having some age-related cognitive decline. We do talk now and have tried to heal our relationship but I still don't feel emotionally safe around him. I live across the country from him and will never move back, he's on his own if he ever needs assisted living. My stepmother (came into the picture about ten years ago and is lovely, I don't know what she sees in him) and her kids can deal with it, they know how to reach me for legal shit (I have durable POA for him).
Things got worse last year when my aunt died of COVID and I got to see his entire family in action, actively in denial that COVID was the cause of death, gaslighting my doctor cousin who actually reviewed the medical examiner's report, and immediately started bickering over who would get her flat and how to handle her will. They are especially good at triangulation, which is so unhealthy. That's when I realized that they are all awful, and it was the final event that allowed me to see that they would never change and I felt free to step away from the drama.
Sometimes it takes one or two precipitating events to come to terms with something like this (as with me), sometimes, like with you, it's a lifetime of observation. But please follow warriorqueen's advice. That is the way to go.
I come from a South Asian family too but we are scattered all over the globe, we don't have a multi-generational household. I don't want to say that this is a uniquely South Asian phenomenon - just wanted to put that out there in case you wanted to MeMail me and discuss some of the more cultural nuances that may be at play here as well. You are not alone.
But please... move out as fast as you can!
posted by nayantara at 8:22 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
My breaking point with my dad was 15 years ago, when after years of verbal and emotional abuse he acted like a complete psycho at my college graduation, insulting me to my face, getting insulted that I wasn't skipping Commencement Weekend activities (including one in which I was awarded an academic achievement award and one honoring student leaders in clubs - I was president of an org - events to which family was invited and HE SKIPPED) in favor of sitting in a hotel with him and my family talking shit about the rest of my family. (Shit talking family with other family is his favorite activity - and then when talking to other family he'll shit talk the batch of family he was shit talking with before. I always wonder what shit he's saying about me when I'm not around.) He also behaved very poorly with the family who attended with him, to the point where my godmother was so appalled that she needed to schedule an emergency appointment with her therapist when she went home to process his behavior towards HER. He was so awful to me when I was moving out of my shared house that my housemates were legitimately worried for my safety when I left. I didn't talk to him for months. I got a half-assed apology when my god sister (who is blunt and no nonsense) finally called him to say his behavior was unacceptable but I still avoided him.
Since then it's been more of the same - now worse because he's having some age-related cognitive decline. We do talk now and have tried to heal our relationship but I still don't feel emotionally safe around him. I live across the country from him and will never move back, he's on his own if he ever needs assisted living. My stepmother (came into the picture about ten years ago and is lovely, I don't know what she sees in him) and her kids can deal with it, they know how to reach me for legal shit (I have durable POA for him).
Things got worse last year when my aunt died of COVID and I got to see his entire family in action, actively in denial that COVID was the cause of death, gaslighting my doctor cousin who actually reviewed the medical examiner's report, and immediately started bickering over who would get her flat and how to handle her will. They are especially good at triangulation, which is so unhealthy. That's when I realized that they are all awful, and it was the final event that allowed me to see that they would never change and I felt free to step away from the drama.
Sometimes it takes one or two precipitating events to come to terms with something like this (as with me), sometimes, like with you, it's a lifetime of observation. But please follow warriorqueen's advice. That is the way to go.
I come from a South Asian family too but we are scattered all over the globe, we don't have a multi-generational household. I don't want to say that this is a uniquely South Asian phenomenon - just wanted to put that out there in case you wanted to MeMail me and discuss some of the more cultural nuances that may be at play here as well. You are not alone.
But please... move out as fast as you can!
posted by nayantara at 8:22 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think step one is coming to terms with the fact that this:
unable to have a civilised disagreement without it degenerating into shouting, guilt-tripping and tears (and they always feel better afterwards), distrustful of each other, constantly interfering, emotionally manipulating etc, etc. Each of them is the victim of their own drama wherein everyone else is trying to thwart them. They will say horrible things and then get shocked if you have the nerve to be offended by what they have said.
is what they want. It is the game they love to play, and have been playing passionately all their lives. They play it when you're not there, and while they can incorporate you into their game when you show up to play, you should understand you're playing goalie in a football (US) game. Nobody really wants you stopping the ball from going in the goal, though it's always nice to have the most possible players on the field.
You're trying to make it "better" when they are fine as-is. I think most of us here would understand your perspective and agree they could do "better", but it's not actually for you or us to decide for them. They already decided for themselves. If they didn't like it, they would do something else.
A gift that you can give both you and them is to let them get on with it, and keep yourself on the sidelines. I know that healthcare situations are part of the reason you can't keep a full-buffer distance but I think you have to focus on ONLY managing aspects of that process that are reasonable for you to manage because they are logistical and not emotional, and let them continue to perform their play otherwise.
And I hesitate to point this out, but you have taken on the role of The Only One Who Can Deal With This Healthcare Situation at serious personal and emotional cost. Is this another form of fixing/mediation/peacemaking? Are you striving to accomplish a level of "wellbeing" that is not objectively possible here, because you want to fix something that is not fixable?
posted by Lyn Never at 8:43 AM on October 11, 2022 [19 favorites]
unable to have a civilised disagreement without it degenerating into shouting, guilt-tripping and tears (and they always feel better afterwards), distrustful of each other, constantly interfering, emotionally manipulating etc, etc. Each of them is the victim of their own drama wherein everyone else is trying to thwart them. They will say horrible things and then get shocked if you have the nerve to be offended by what they have said.
is what they want. It is the game they love to play, and have been playing passionately all their lives. They play it when you're not there, and while they can incorporate you into their game when you show up to play, you should understand you're playing goalie in a football (US) game. Nobody really wants you stopping the ball from going in the goal, though it's always nice to have the most possible players on the field.
You're trying to make it "better" when they are fine as-is. I think most of us here would understand your perspective and agree they could do "better", but it's not actually for you or us to decide for them. They already decided for themselves. If they didn't like it, they would do something else.
A gift that you can give both you and them is to let them get on with it, and keep yourself on the sidelines. I know that healthcare situations are part of the reason you can't keep a full-buffer distance but I think you have to focus on ONLY managing aspects of that process that are reasonable for you to manage because they are logistical and not emotional, and let them continue to perform their play otherwise.
And I hesitate to point this out, but you have taken on the role of The Only One Who Can Deal With This Healthcare Situation at serious personal and emotional cost. Is this another form of fixing/mediation/peacemaking? Are you striving to accomplish a level of "wellbeing" that is not objectively possible here, because you want to fix something that is not fixable?
posted by Lyn Never at 8:43 AM on October 11, 2022 [19 favorites]
The hardest grieiving is for the parents and family we need and needed, that we wish for, but will never exist.
They are never going to change and give you the love and support you rightfully need(ed) from them - and that incredibly incredibly fucking sucks. This is going to be hard. I've been through similar and it's funny - I always knew my family sucked? Knew that actually it was less a family than a group of hurt people hurting each other, but somehow by being the one to keep things together I'd ended up internalising some possible ideal of what could be, could happen. There may be some relationship for us somewhere down the line, but it's not familial.
You talk mostly about them (and fuck I get it) the way through is by focusing on and rebuilding yourself. Give yourself time and space away from their chaos to grieve and feel whatever else may come. This may include going no contact - try low first to sense. Move out as soon as you can, put up what boundaries you can in meantime - and forgive yourself for when they do get you ensnared. Remembered they groomed you to respond to them.
Can you connect with your body? If you're unsure, start there - bath, yoga, massage, dancing, sport; but kindly, gently. Cry as much as you can.
Pick up a hobby you've always wanted to do
Forgive any dissociative behaviours you've developed (drinking, working, overthinking) and when you use them again
Pain breeds shame, be aware of this and share with people you trust. Wail (and laugh) with. Many will not understand (they're lucky) but you'll likely have already connected with people that share a similar hidden pain.
Journal as much as you can and in whatever way is easiest for you.
Three specific things I'd recommend to check out:
- Tara Brach podcast - reconnecting with ourselves is v. good episode, she's a kind presence
- Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving - gives a roadmap to recovery
- any peer support, therapy group - you can't heal this alone
Also, last one - don't heal yourself secretly hoping it will heal them. It won't. I'm so sorry. Lost these toxic bonds, heal, then see what's there.
Be kind to you, you can be and create the family you needed.
posted by litleozy at 8:44 AM on October 11, 2022 [15 favorites]
They are never going to change and give you the love and support you rightfully need(ed) from them - and that incredibly incredibly fucking sucks. This is going to be hard. I've been through similar and it's funny - I always knew my family sucked? Knew that actually it was less a family than a group of hurt people hurting each other, but somehow by being the one to keep things together I'd ended up internalising some possible ideal of what could be, could happen. There may be some relationship for us somewhere down the line, but it's not familial.
You talk mostly about them (and fuck I get it) the way through is by focusing on and rebuilding yourself. Give yourself time and space away from their chaos to grieve and feel whatever else may come. This may include going no contact - try low first to sense. Move out as soon as you can, put up what boundaries you can in meantime - and forgive yourself for when they do get you ensnared. Remembered they groomed you to respond to them.
Can you connect with your body? If you're unsure, start there - bath, yoga, massage, dancing, sport; but kindly, gently. Cry as much as you can.
Pick up a hobby you've always wanted to do
Forgive any dissociative behaviours you've developed (drinking, working, overthinking) and when you use them again
Pain breeds shame, be aware of this and share with people you trust. Wail (and laugh) with. Many will not understand (they're lucky) but you'll likely have already connected with people that share a similar hidden pain.
Journal as much as you can and in whatever way is easiest for you.
Three specific things I'd recommend to check out:
- Tara Brach podcast - reconnecting with ourselves is v. good episode, she's a kind presence
- Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving - gives a roadmap to recovery
- any peer support, therapy group - you can't heal this alone
Also, last one - don't heal yourself secretly hoping it will heal them. It won't. I'm so sorry. Lost these toxic bonds, heal, then see what's there.
Be kind to you, you can be and create the family you needed.
posted by litleozy at 8:44 AM on October 11, 2022 [15 favorites]
They are happy. It seems like they are not, but they are. They are doing exactly what they want. They love to complain. They love to fight. They love to be miserable. They are like pigs wallowing around in mud, it feels right to them, it comforts them. Do the birds in the sky know they are missing out on reading Shakespeare? Do the deer in the forest angst about how they shouldn't be fighting during mating season? No, they just exist on their level and do what feels right to them.
YOU are the only one who is unhappy, and you are projecting your own feelings onto them.
Trust me, this is the truth. No doubt you are far and away the most empathetic person in your family, so it is hard for you to feel it, but this is the truth. It took me years to realize this in my own family.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:49 AM on October 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
YOU are the only one who is unhappy, and you are projecting your own feelings onto them.
Trust me, this is the truth. No doubt you are far and away the most empathetic person in your family, so it is hard for you to feel it, but this is the truth. It took me years to realize this in my own family.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:49 AM on October 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
>The hardest grieiving is for the parents and family we need and needed, that we wish for, but will never exist.
Quoted for truth, thanks litleozy. Stockpuppet echoes what my mom always said, "some people aren't happy unless they're miserable."
Be kind to yourself.
posted by cyndigo at 9:53 AM on October 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
Quoted for truth, thanks litleozy. Stockpuppet echoes what my mom always said, "some people aren't happy unless they're miserable."
Be kind to yourself.
posted by cyndigo at 9:53 AM on October 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you’ve done everything to help them on a practical level, which is very generous of you. I think the next step is to get some distance so you can keep loving them. As others have mentioned, they will never change. As far as coming to terms with it, I think it is really hard for people to ever accept it or stop wishing things were different. That’s why so many movies have a terrible parent that finally decides to love and appreciate their child. Probably talking to others and confirming that you are not alone when it comes to this kind of thing may be a good way to help come to terms with it.
posted by snofoam at 10:26 AM on October 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by snofoam at 10:26 AM on October 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have this problem with my aunt’s family of six back-biting kids. When I can’t avoid them I disassociate myself by thinking of the constant chaos as a natural phenomenon like the weather. I don’t get upset about or invested in the weather, it is impersonal and out of my control.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:45 AM on October 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:45 AM on October 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
My SO and I were just talking about this recently while re-watching the first few seasons of The Simpsons. The early episodes really do depict a dysfunctional family in a realistic but compassionate way.
Also, I read a lot of fiction and memoirs about dysfunctional family situations, which made me feel less alone.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 11:36 AM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, I read a lot of fiction and memoirs about dysfunctional family situations, which made me feel less alone.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 11:36 AM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
If the things they do are triggering past trauma (they clearly are), then there is no amount of therapy that can completely erase that. You can learn to manage your reactions better, but that's about it.
The only way I've been able to deal with this is to go full no contact. It's giving me time to heal and get that necessary emotional distance. It's hard to do that when you're constantly being re-triggered. You can still love someone you don't have contact with.
Boundaries are not signs of a lack of love, they are evidence of love for yourself and your mental and emotional health.
I'm so sorry. I know this is hard. It took me a long time to fully cut off my family, but I'm so much happier now.
posted by ananci at 1:20 PM on October 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
The only way I've been able to deal with this is to go full no contact. It's giving me time to heal and get that necessary emotional distance. It's hard to do that when you're constantly being re-triggered. You can still love someone you don't have contact with.
Boundaries are not signs of a lack of love, they are evidence of love for yourself and your mental and emotional health.
I'm so sorry. I know this is hard. It took me a long time to fully cut off my family, but I'm so much happier now.
posted by ananci at 1:20 PM on October 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have been trying to come to terms with the dysfunction of my family for probably about 30+ years now, and I still haven’t completely figured it out. It is a journey, one that I suspect will probably never be over, but I do feel that a lot of the negative feelings I carried for a long time have gone away, or that I am working on getting past them. I can tell you a few of the things I have been trying to do that have been helpful for me.
I found that healthy boundaries are helpful, when I was at a place where I couldn’t process how to establish the necessary emotional/behavioral boundaries I moved to a different continent, which obviously did the trick for boundaries. I do have some misgivings about that action, but that is also through the lens of someone who can now establish the necessary emotional and behavioral boundaries. (By behavioral boundaries I mean if dysfunctional family member exhibits certain behaviors I don’t want to be around, I walk away.)
Cultivating positive relationships is helpful for me too. I can’t change my family, but I can try and create connections with people who will bring positivity to my life; spouse/partner, friends, co-workers, person at the coffee shop, etc. I was fortunate enough to be able to rebuild my relationship with my brother. We both wanted a deeper connection with each other, and we had to have a lot of conversations about us, but over the years and with work it is a strong relationship, and I am glad that we both put the energy into it. I hope that you have a relationship like that with someone, or that you can maybe rebuild one. Having someone who knows the junk show that we lived through to talk to about it is very important to me.
I have also been trying to cultivate myself, pursuing activities that bring me joy. The outdoors is something that brings me a lot of solace and confidence, I would highly recommend getting outside. A nice day of Type 2 Fun does wonders for a mind in turmoil. Plus, I am convinced that at least half the outdoors crowd are all running from the same demons I am running from.
I have also been trying to accept certain truths that I haven’t been able to accept before, such as it isn’t my fault, it is OK for me to look out for myself, I am not a failure because I couldn’t fix the problems of my parents. All the usual stuff that comes out of therapy. On an intellectual level I accept these things, but I am still working on the emotional acceptance part.
Another thing that helped me a lot was piecing together the history of my parents and my grandparents to understand what made them the way they are. I needed to understand why they are who they are and behave the way they do. Piecing together that history, because they of course wouldn’t talk about it, helped me at least realize that they too are a product of negative circumstances, and needed the same help that I need.
I know I am repeating a lot of the same points already brought up, especially by warriorqueen, but hopefully it all helps you.
posted by Cu_wire at 2:22 PM on October 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
I found that healthy boundaries are helpful, when I was at a place where I couldn’t process how to establish the necessary emotional/behavioral boundaries I moved to a different continent, which obviously did the trick for boundaries. I do have some misgivings about that action, but that is also through the lens of someone who can now establish the necessary emotional and behavioral boundaries. (By behavioral boundaries I mean if dysfunctional family member exhibits certain behaviors I don’t want to be around, I walk away.)
Cultivating positive relationships is helpful for me too. I can’t change my family, but I can try and create connections with people who will bring positivity to my life; spouse/partner, friends, co-workers, person at the coffee shop, etc. I was fortunate enough to be able to rebuild my relationship with my brother. We both wanted a deeper connection with each other, and we had to have a lot of conversations about us, but over the years and with work it is a strong relationship, and I am glad that we both put the energy into it. I hope that you have a relationship like that with someone, or that you can maybe rebuild one. Having someone who knows the junk show that we lived through to talk to about it is very important to me.
I have also been trying to cultivate myself, pursuing activities that bring me joy. The outdoors is something that brings me a lot of solace and confidence, I would highly recommend getting outside. A nice day of Type 2 Fun does wonders for a mind in turmoil. Plus, I am convinced that at least half the outdoors crowd are all running from the same demons I am running from.
I have also been trying to accept certain truths that I haven’t been able to accept before, such as it isn’t my fault, it is OK for me to look out for myself, I am not a failure because I couldn’t fix the problems of my parents. All the usual stuff that comes out of therapy. On an intellectual level I accept these things, but I am still working on the emotional acceptance part.
Another thing that helped me a lot was piecing together the history of my parents and my grandparents to understand what made them the way they are. I needed to understand why they are who they are and behave the way they do. Piecing together that history, because they of course wouldn’t talk about it, helped me at least realize that they too are a product of negative circumstances, and needed the same help that I need.
I know I am repeating a lot of the same points already brought up, especially by warriorqueen, but hopefully it all helps you.
posted by Cu_wire at 2:22 PM on October 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm also from a south Asian family with similar, emotionally immature close relatives. I dealt with similar issues with my family, along with the inevitable guilt that comes with setting boundaries and distancing yourself. I don't know what it is about our culture that breeds such extreme dysfunction and toxicity.
It is really, really hard. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I think your answer lies within your post:
I want to emotionally distance myself from them, just accept that they aren't the people I wish they were, and no amount of work and peacemaking on my part will help that.
You are right that they will not change, especially not now, at this point. They don't even see that there's a problem; even if they did, they'd have no idea how to fix it. This is just how they handle life. It is hard, but you will need to accept that this is just how they are, and you can't change them. it hurts to see your friends having functional relationships with their families, but it is important that 1) you stop comparing your family to theirs and accept your family for who they are, and 2) you rely on the positive, functional relationships in your life.
That doesn't mean condoning your family members' dysfunction, but it does mean changing how you react to it.
Establishing boundaries helps a lot by placing limits on your own behavior. This means that, when they try to bait you with conflict, you remain neutral and calm. Phrases like, "Oh, that's interesting," "Oh, okay," "Huh," "Okay, I'll keep that in mind" help a lot. Don't fight against their provocative behavior, don't yell at them, try not to get frustrated when you see them bickering with each other about pointless stuff. Instead, keep your eyes on the prize - help them with the task at hand without delving into deeper topics that will only lead to conflict.
It is not easy.
Establishing boundaries also involves fervently protecting your time and limits. If you have plans to see a friend one night, don't let them guilt you out of those plans, because you need those to recover emotionally.
Don't give in to their attempts at getting a rise out of you. Not only is it counterproductive because they thrive on the chaos (it was really interesting that you said that they actually feel better after), but it will also derail you from the task at hand (helping them with whatever chore you're doing for them).
You love your family, but you don't need to sacrifice every bit of yourself for their sake. If going no contact is not an option, then firm boundaries are the next best option. It is really hard to get good at boundaries, and it takes practice, but you'll get there. (They'll probably lash out at you at first because they're not used to it, but eventually you may well see them backing off because you're no longer rewarding their behavior with more chaos.)
I think you are doing an amazing job. You are patient, you are helping them as best you can, and you clearly love and care about them.
You might find some of the answers from my earlier question helpful.
Wishing you all the best.
posted by aquamvidam at 8:41 PM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
It is really, really hard. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I think your answer lies within your post:
I want to emotionally distance myself from them, just accept that they aren't the people I wish they were, and no amount of work and peacemaking on my part will help that.
You are right that they will not change, especially not now, at this point. They don't even see that there's a problem; even if they did, they'd have no idea how to fix it. This is just how they handle life. It is hard, but you will need to accept that this is just how they are, and you can't change them. it hurts to see your friends having functional relationships with their families, but it is important that 1) you stop comparing your family to theirs and accept your family for who they are, and 2) you rely on the positive, functional relationships in your life.
That doesn't mean condoning your family members' dysfunction, but it does mean changing how you react to it.
Establishing boundaries helps a lot by placing limits on your own behavior. This means that, when they try to bait you with conflict, you remain neutral and calm. Phrases like, "Oh, that's interesting," "Oh, okay," "Huh," "Okay, I'll keep that in mind" help a lot. Don't fight against their provocative behavior, don't yell at them, try not to get frustrated when you see them bickering with each other about pointless stuff. Instead, keep your eyes on the prize - help them with the task at hand without delving into deeper topics that will only lead to conflict.
It is not easy.
Establishing boundaries also involves fervently protecting your time and limits. If you have plans to see a friend one night, don't let them guilt you out of those plans, because you need those to recover emotionally.
Don't give in to their attempts at getting a rise out of you. Not only is it counterproductive because they thrive on the chaos (it was really interesting that you said that they actually feel better after), but it will also derail you from the task at hand (helping them with whatever chore you're doing for them).
You love your family, but you don't need to sacrifice every bit of yourself for their sake. If going no contact is not an option, then firm boundaries are the next best option. It is really hard to get good at boundaries, and it takes practice, but you'll get there. (They'll probably lash out at you at first because they're not used to it, but eventually you may well see them backing off because you're no longer rewarding their behavior with more chaos.)
I think you are doing an amazing job. You are patient, you are helping them as best you can, and you clearly love and care about them.
You might find some of the answers from my earlier question helpful.
Wishing you all the best.
posted by aquamvidam at 8:41 PM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
On review, unicorn chaser, you actually answered my question that I linked, and I really appreciated your answer!
posted by aquamvidam at 8:46 PM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by aquamvidam at 8:46 PM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Here's your mantra, above, what you wrote. You have the solution. Physical distance will help too.
It's okay to be sad for them. Some things in their lives were out of their control, and some things were in their control, and they have chosen a path of blame and argument over other paths that were at least somewhat open to them. There is a level of trust and kindness and intimacy that they may never know - or at least know that they know, because in fact, it's in front of them, in you.
It's okay to be sad/angry/upset/frustrated. It's okay to have and maintain boundaries, to leave physically, to limit conversation, to limit time together. It's also just fine to not have the solutions for them. They were adults when you were a child. It's okay to do your best and then say 'enough.'
Now you know what you want to learn from your parents, both through the good they taught you and the signals you're seeing now. It's okay not to blame them, but to just experience the fear and sadness. That's the feeling they shove off by getting angry. You're choosing differently.
So...my best advice is go out to a park or a piece of earth and sit and feel it and breathe in and out and let yourself grieve for them about what they haven't been able to do.
Sounds dumb, I know.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:26 AM on October 11, 2022 [13 favorites]