heartbreak, maybe with optional polyamory question

October 1, 2022 2:05 AM

Mostly I just want tips for moving on from ambiguous loss. I feel physically ill from it, because the way it went down mimics other cut and run sort of losses of really significant relationships (friend/chosen family ships, not that it matters, it all seems to hurt the same to me, romantic or other wise)... what do you do besides like.. chain smoke. obviously not a good option. yes time. I just can fall pretty deeply into various abysses and get pretty damn blue and out of my life.

when there are unanswered questions i just find it that much harder. I know the usual things, therapy, tapping, get into activities with friends, exercise, drag yourself to stuff even when you're not feeling it. I just don't .. understand.. why people, if they felt something, can't be better to one another at the end. but I know there's no answers to that except maybe from a psychic.

and vis a vis the poly bit, clearly i have a lot to learn about being crystal crystal clear from the get and only seeing other people who are really poly and say so like..not in a subtle way. but.. that's really away from the main point here and a bit monday morning quarter back-ish.

do you guys have any left field things... some kind of a support group or a gizmo for your vagal nerve or..? the sad thing that led to the sadder thing was my silence. and my silence was born out of gripping fear, like full body cant sleep cant think panic, when things got strange and distant and there were silences. because it so closely mimicked past pattern where I was ghosted by someone very dear who was in the throws of mental illness. And I just feel like i need more tools that are kind of within fast reach. I'm sure this question has been asked. I know time/distraction.. I just wonder.. anyone lately figure out anything else that the rest of might not have considered? sort of like that recent question about ways to get high besides drugs. I don't want to get high. I just want to be able to concentrate enough to not lose track of my life.

I don't know if this question will really work out, but.. here goes, i'll publish it anyway, if mods allow. thanks for taking the time to read.

if anyone wants to commiserate about any of the above, anyone, queer, or not, poly, or not, or walk along together in the journey in a supportive way, or if you have a tip you don't feel comfortable leaving non anonymously, you could also write wellok2022[at]yahoo

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (6 answers total)

Ok, here's a trick that sometimes works: set aside time to think about/ruminate about/grieve the situation. Probably not right before bed, because that's hard to give an end time to, but seriously block off an hour once or twice a day to really sit with it. And then, when the subject comes up in your mind in the rest of the day, you can tell yourself "Right, I'll think about this at 7." You can even jot down a note if there's a particular thread you want to follow.

Sometimes giving yourself some structure, and permission, can make it easier to put something down the rest of the time.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:42 AM on October 1, 2022 [10 favorites]

A couple observations. You think that people would treat someone they love well. For many people it's the opposite: they treat people they care about worse than other people, because intimacy and vulnerability terrify them. People don't know themselves, they don't have the ability to work with intense feelings, and they don't know how to communicate. People are chaos goblins. It's just part of the bargain when you interact with another human being that surprising things are going to happen. (Wonderful things as well, chaos goblins have their moments.) Accepting this can be helpful because it may help you realize that even if you had a chance to talk with this person and seek closure, you wouldn't get it - they likely don't know and can't express why they did what they did. Closure doesn't come from another person, it comes from you.

I know you said that you know the usual stuff...but anything gentle and soothing is going to help you feel safe. What kinds of support and self-care do you have in your life? I'd probably put therapy at the top of the list. Close friends/family to talk to? Exercise, even going for walks? Yoga? Meditation? A soothing music playlist? Taking a bath? You sound like you could be depressed - medication for that?
posted by medusa at 5:56 AM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]

I want to suggest walking, lots of walking. When my marriage ended, I walked miles and miles every day. I developed painful blisters and I just kept walking because the physical pain was a distraction from the emotional pain. I also listened to music while I walked and one song, in particular, I played on repeat, as it had such a hopeful feeling, and I also watched the video often for an even more hopeful feeling.

You know this, but eventually you will feel better. Sending you internet hugs.
posted by poppunkcat at 6:19 AM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]

“clearly i have a lot to learn about being crystal crystal clear from the get and only seeing other people who are really poly and say so like..not in a subtle way.”
[…]
“the sad thing that led to the sadder thing was my silence. and my silence was born out of gripping fear, like full body cant sleep cant think panic, when things got strange and distant and there were silences.”

I find it helpful to see things in context and I don’t think it’s Monday morning quarter backing to notice patterns in relationships that play out. I think it’s wise and clever. Part of the intense sadness for me is feeling powerless. Knowing how I can improve my relationship skills helps A LOT with my feelings of hopelessness.

If you have already identified that you shut down around hard conversations, practice having them in the mirror with yourself. As a way of pulling out of the sadness spiral. Just if you are replaying something in your head, get up, look in the mirror and speak aloud how you would have liked that conversation to go. You have to say it out loud! Don’t be tempted to do this in your head. You are already good at being in your head. You have to put it out into the world with your words vibrating the air around you. You have to have your lips say the thing. Make it so silence isn’t your default state by practicing not being silent. Be brave just with your own self in the mirror and not paralyzed so you can practice for being brave with other people you care about.
posted by Bottlecap at 10:40 AM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]

I just don't .. understand.. why people, if they felt something, can't be better to one another at the end.

Well, we all have different attachment styles, different patterns that we picked up in our upbringing, and approaches to communication that don't always allow is to find enough common ground to resolve those differences before we burn out the goodwill that it takes to sustain an intimate relationship.

I found a lot of good in paying attention to my own resiliency toolkit. A starting point for me was an ACT workbook called "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life." I also think there are some very, very resonant books (and YouTube clips) from Alain de Botton and the School of Life. Thinkers and philosophers can help you shift your perspective in helpful ways. In my case, that's what showed me how to start diverting attention away from ruminating on other people (who are out of my control, even if they were my long term spouse and/or a new flame) to noticing how my discomfort was less about them and more about the areas where I was compromising deeply held values in an attempt to sustain a relationship. The latter is a virtue when all parties in a relationship are aware of and responsive to everyone else's level of interest, commitment, work, passion, etc. It's recognizing those imbalances that goes a long way toward soothing the pain of loss.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:49 AM on October 1, 2022

An exercise given to a friend of mine in therapy has long felt like the deepest practice of compersion. Draw a picture book of this person, the rest of their life, the happiest life you can imagine - a life that does not have you in it. Imagine the love they find, the successes and tendernesses, and treasure them. When you’re done, burn it or otherwise let it go, sending them off into their future and releasing yourself to live your own, without any of the stories your brain may have told you about how they would play a part in it.

Sending you care.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:37 PM on October 1, 2022