Developed feelings for my professor and can't seem to shake it off?
September 7, 2022 10:52 AM Subscribe
Hi. I am mature female student entering my last year at university. And I developed feelings for my female professor and I cannot seem to move on for some reason and it is causing me some mental health issues.
I am bisexual and I prefer women but have a boyfriend, but I feel so repressed with not having a girlfriend/open relationship. I actually developed feelings for my professor and I cannot seem to move on - we haven't spoken in months and she still plagues my mind which is not healthy or normal. How can I move on or get her out of my head? I also have OCD so that might have something to do with it, but I think she was the first female I ever actually developed true feelings for and older women are very attractive to me. I feel so repressed and kind of helpless about this LGBTQ issue. I think I also experienced somewhat of a nervous breakdown over the repression as well as the pandemic issue in the winter and not sure how to dissect and unravel all of this in a healthy fashion.
I am bisexual and I prefer women but have a boyfriend, but I feel so repressed with not having a girlfriend/open relationship. I actually developed feelings for my professor and I cannot seem to move on - we haven't spoken in months and she still plagues my mind which is not healthy or normal. How can I move on or get her out of my head? I also have OCD so that might have something to do with it, but I think she was the first female I ever actually developed true feelings for and older women are very attractive to me. I feel so repressed and kind of helpless about this LGBTQ issue. I think I also experienced somewhat of a nervous breakdown over the repression as well as the pandemic issue in the winter and not sure how to dissect and unravel all of this in a healthy fashion.
Is there an LGBTQ center or support group at the university? Do you have any other queer friends you can connect with? Are you out?
Your first queer crush is a big deal and it might be helpful to take to others who get it.
If you seek therapy, make sure you're talking to someone who is LGBTQ friendly... I had a therapist flat out tell me that bisexuality doesn't exist... Not helpful. It definitely exists.
To get over your crush... For me, time sometimes helps. Sometimes it's developing a new crush. You could also read up on limerance to help understand why the feeling is so strong for someone so unattainable.
Feel free to memail me
posted by skunk pig at 11:15 AM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Your first queer crush is a big deal and it might be helpful to take to others who get it.
If you seek therapy, make sure you're talking to someone who is LGBTQ friendly... I had a therapist flat out tell me that bisexuality doesn't exist... Not helpful. It definitely exists.
To get over your crush... For me, time sometimes helps. Sometimes it's developing a new crush. You could also read up on limerance to help understand why the feeling is so strong for someone so unattainable.
Feel free to memail me
posted by skunk pig at 11:15 AM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
This might sound strange, but maybe tell your partner about your crush. I've found that acknowledging a crush to my partner actually helps me gets over it and reminds me about why I care about my actual relationship.
Also I have found that thinking more about my crush as a complex human usually helps me shake the crush. A crush is an idealized fairy tale version of someone, and typically doesn't include the day to day realities of the individual like them trimming their toenails, or having a bad hair day and consoling themselves with junk food, or dealing with family drama in a less than graceful way, or talking all the way through a movie you want to watch, or not doing the dishes. Your professor is paid to be helpful to you and guide you in a topic that you find interesting. While this is the emotional basis for the crush, remember that they are being nice to you because it is your job. For all you know they could feel actively disinterested in you as an individual.
posted by donut_princess at 11:32 AM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
Also I have found that thinking more about my crush as a complex human usually helps me shake the crush. A crush is an idealized fairy tale version of someone, and typically doesn't include the day to day realities of the individual like them trimming their toenails, or having a bad hair day and consoling themselves with junk food, or dealing with family drama in a less than graceful way, or talking all the way through a movie you want to watch, or not doing the dishes. Your professor is paid to be helpful to you and guide you in a topic that you find interesting. While this is the emotional basis for the crush, remember that they are being nice to you because it is your job. For all you know they could feel actively disinterested in you as an individual.
posted by donut_princess at 11:32 AM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
ever actually developed true feelings for
This may be the first intense attraction you have felt in this way, but it's worth keeping in mind that love requires two people's consenting participation. This person is not consenting to be in a relationship with you, would be uncomfortable to know that she was the object of your fantasies (for a lot of reasons, including that students are not really fair game for the dating pool), and does not return your feelings.
and older women are very attractive to me
This is the kind of thing you should be more careful about saying out loud, not to mention as an internal talk track. Avoid objectifying people on the grounds of things they cannot control.
Anyway, this has nothing to do with her. She represents something that is troubling you, and nothing more. Deal with the thing that's troubling you directly instead of through the avatar of a person you barely know.
I don't know if straight or gay women have the same experience, but I know among my bi/pan lady peers - especially but not exclusively those of us partnered long-term with men - that the occasional Queer Identity Crisis Freakout is not entirely unusual, and is often triggered by some kind of experience, event, involvement, intersection, or increasing identification with some aspect of queer life. I have a couple of friends I can text and say "I'm questioning every decision I ever made halp" and they will all reply "okay don't get divorced yet, breathe" and other reminders that I am okay even if I am hyperventilating at the moment.
And it absolutely can be a real wrecking ball to look back at your life wondering what it would have been like if it had been queerer, especially if you come from a background heavily steeped in mandatory heterosexuality and did not come out or self-identify or figure it out until you were older. I have had that breakdown myself. It was not fun, and it was also all mixed in with the rising political danger to queer people and the survivor's guilt or whatever of living a generally assumed-straight life. A crush can definitely surface those feelings, and it can also be a distraction from the hardest questions, so it's easier to fixate on the nice-fun-painful feelings about some unobtainable person than the plain-old-painful feelings of uncertainty, FOMO, and existential angst.
I would encourage you to practice letting go of this person as a form of meditation. If there are qualities you especially admire in her, maybe list those out with ways you could be more like those things. If it's just sexual feelings, at least invent someone who isn't real to have those fantasies about, to respect this real person's boundaries and also weaken your fixation on a real live person.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:00 PM on September 7, 2022 [13 favorites]
This may be the first intense attraction you have felt in this way, but it's worth keeping in mind that love requires two people's consenting participation. This person is not consenting to be in a relationship with you, would be uncomfortable to know that she was the object of your fantasies (for a lot of reasons, including that students are not really fair game for the dating pool), and does not return your feelings.
and older women are very attractive to me
This is the kind of thing you should be more careful about saying out loud, not to mention as an internal talk track. Avoid objectifying people on the grounds of things they cannot control.
Anyway, this has nothing to do with her. She represents something that is troubling you, and nothing more. Deal with the thing that's troubling you directly instead of through the avatar of a person you barely know.
I don't know if straight or gay women have the same experience, but I know among my bi/pan lady peers - especially but not exclusively those of us partnered long-term with men - that the occasional Queer Identity Crisis Freakout is not entirely unusual, and is often triggered by some kind of experience, event, involvement, intersection, or increasing identification with some aspect of queer life. I have a couple of friends I can text and say "I'm questioning every decision I ever made halp" and they will all reply "okay don't get divorced yet, breathe" and other reminders that I am okay even if I am hyperventilating at the moment.
And it absolutely can be a real wrecking ball to look back at your life wondering what it would have been like if it had been queerer, especially if you come from a background heavily steeped in mandatory heterosexuality and did not come out or self-identify or figure it out until you were older. I have had that breakdown myself. It was not fun, and it was also all mixed in with the rising political danger to queer people and the survivor's guilt or whatever of living a generally assumed-straight life. A crush can definitely surface those feelings, and it can also be a distraction from the hardest questions, so it's easier to fixate on the nice-fun-painful feelings about some unobtainable person than the plain-old-painful feelings of uncertainty, FOMO, and existential angst.
I would encourage you to practice letting go of this person as a form of meditation. If there are qualities you especially admire in her, maybe list those out with ways you could be more like those things. If it's just sexual feelings, at least invent someone who isn't real to have those fantasies about, to respect this real person's boundaries and also weaken your fixation on a real live person.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:00 PM on September 7, 2022 [13 favorites]
we haven't spoken in months and she still plagues my mind which is not healthy or normal
Here’s a seemingly minor point that, at least for me, turned out to be a major step forward: telling myself that a feeling I have is wrong (‘not healthy or normal’) makes the obsessive spiral infinitely worse, because then you get to meta-obsess about how obsessive and broken you are. You’re not. Crushes are normal and happen to healthy people, all the time. Doesn’t mean you need to indulge it or foster it in real life…Embrace the good and bad feelings it brings and channel them into something like work, art, exercise. Find the good energy in it.
Yes, definitely work out in journaling, prayer, therapy, or in conversation with friends if you need to change the way your life is set up with regards to your sexual and relationship needs — because the crush seems to point towards something deeper.
But the starting point needs to be, your own emotions aren’t wrong. (Ever.)
posted by The Toad at 12:02 PM on September 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
Here’s a seemingly minor point that, at least for me, turned out to be a major step forward: telling myself that a feeling I have is wrong (‘not healthy or normal’) makes the obsessive spiral infinitely worse, because then you get to meta-obsess about how obsessive and broken you are. You’re not. Crushes are normal and happen to healthy people, all the time. Doesn’t mean you need to indulge it or foster it in real life…Embrace the good and bad feelings it brings and channel them into something like work, art, exercise. Find the good energy in it.
Yes, definitely work out in journaling, prayer, therapy, or in conversation with friends if you need to change the way your life is set up with regards to your sexual and relationship needs — because the crush seems to point towards something deeper.
But the starting point needs to be, your own emotions aren’t wrong. (Ever.)
posted by The Toad at 12:02 PM on September 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
Don't mistake the idealized professor you are crushing on with the real person. If you met her next week and it turned out she was gay and the two of you attempted to get to know each other, she would turn out to be a person, with all kinds of problems and quirks and talents and issues that you know nothing about and which would most likely put the breaks on actually having a relationship, real fast.
You know her from a very one sided official type of relationship where she was someone who helped you and someone who demonstrated competence and status. She's also older. So chances are there are some Mommy issues going on. It's likely you have turned her into a symbol for the the older mentor figure who could have nutured your self actualization in an alternate universe.
Try and separate the real woman from the fantasy woman you are desiring and crushing on. Your longing for her is a real longing, and needs exploring. That longing is happening because their are things you want and need, that caused you to latch onto her. The more you can get a feel for what it is you are missing, the easier it will be to look for it in a place that is not just fantasy. Consider if she is also symbolic of your idealised future self, that you could be crushing on the person you want to become with your old professor standing in for the role.
Explore what you think would be the ideal outcome if it magically became a possible relationship? What would she do and be, if it were possible? Do you maybe want her brilliance to rub off on your, or her status? Or are you thirsting for a caretaker, or someone who gives you direction? Exploring these ideas will help you figure out why you are idealizing her.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:48 PM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
You know her from a very one sided official type of relationship where she was someone who helped you and someone who demonstrated competence and status. She's also older. So chances are there are some Mommy issues going on. It's likely you have turned her into a symbol for the the older mentor figure who could have nutured your self actualization in an alternate universe.
Try and separate the real woman from the fantasy woman you are desiring and crushing on. Your longing for her is a real longing, and needs exploring. That longing is happening because their are things you want and need, that caused you to latch onto her. The more you can get a feel for what it is you are missing, the easier it will be to look for it in a place that is not just fantasy. Consider if she is also symbolic of your idealised future self, that you could be crushing on the person you want to become with your old professor standing in for the role.
Explore what you think would be the ideal outcome if it magically became a possible relationship? What would she do and be, if it were possible? Do you maybe want her brilliance to rub off on your, or her status? Or are you thirsting for a caretaker, or someone who gives you direction? Exploring these ideas will help you figure out why you are idealizing her.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:48 PM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
Feeling attraction isn't predatory in and of itself. It's what you do with that attraction that can make it predatory. You are not Harvey Weinstein for having a crush on this woman.
Also, on the spectrum of "a desire perfectly accepted by all society" and "a desire that is understood as dangerous and taboo," being attracted to older women is way closer to the former then the latter. I also wouldn't say it, but more because said lady might not appreciate being called old, not because it's some sort of inherently offensive attraction.
Your letter suggests that you perhaps aren't socializing well and it's especially dropped off because of COVID. Are you getting other sources of intellectual stimulation? Other opportunities to meet people who might be more suitable for you, sexually or otherwise?
In addition, does your boyfriend know about your feelings and are you two ready to open or end the relationship? You might be clinging onto a never available crush because you're avoiding uncomfortable conversations.
posted by kingdead at 12:52 PM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
Also, on the spectrum of "a desire perfectly accepted by all society" and "a desire that is understood as dangerous and taboo," being attracted to older women is way closer to the former then the latter. I also wouldn't say it, but more because said lady might not appreciate being called old, not because it's some sort of inherently offensive attraction.
Your letter suggests that you perhaps aren't socializing well and it's especially dropped off because of COVID. Are you getting other sources of intellectual stimulation? Other opportunities to meet people who might be more suitable for you, sexually or otherwise?
In addition, does your boyfriend know about your feelings and are you two ready to open or end the relationship? You might be clinging onto a never available crush because you're avoiding uncomfortable conversations.
posted by kingdead at 12:52 PM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
I think I also experienced somewhat of a nervous breakdown over the repression
This is an excellent reason to seek therapy if that's available to you. I think your best bet would be a queer therapist - "bisexual woman feeling some kind of way about being in a hetero relationship" is something most queer therapists would be very experienced at dealing with (not to minimize your struggles, but just to let you know you're not alone in this).
I also wonder if by "repressed" you also mean at least somewhat closeted? I don't know if this is you, but I know a lot of bi people feel de facto closeted when in hetero relationships, even if they're not actively hiding their queerness, because everyone assumes they are straight and because they often don't have queer community. I wonder if, in addition to therapy, finding some queer community for yourself might help - that could mean just making a few queer friends (or coming out to the queer friends you already have), joining some sort of queer activity/org in your community (a sports league, a choir, an activist organization). Queer community is so much more important than most people realize.
(I would say though to try not to make online spaces the primary way you get queer community because dear lord are they full of people who want to legislate who gets to be a part of the community and can often be pretty hostile to bi women in hetero relationships.)
posted by lunasol at 1:57 PM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
This is an excellent reason to seek therapy if that's available to you. I think your best bet would be a queer therapist - "bisexual woman feeling some kind of way about being in a hetero relationship" is something most queer therapists would be very experienced at dealing with (not to minimize your struggles, but just to let you know you're not alone in this).
I also wonder if by "repressed" you also mean at least somewhat closeted? I don't know if this is you, but I know a lot of bi people feel de facto closeted when in hetero relationships, even if they're not actively hiding their queerness, because everyone assumes they are straight and because they often don't have queer community. I wonder if, in addition to therapy, finding some queer community for yourself might help - that could mean just making a few queer friends (or coming out to the queer friends you already have), joining some sort of queer activity/org in your community (a sports league, a choir, an activist organization). Queer community is so much more important than most people realize.
(I would say though to try not to make online spaces the primary way you get queer community because dear lord are they full of people who want to legislate who gets to be a part of the community and can often be pretty hostile to bi women in hetero relationships.)
posted by lunasol at 1:57 PM on September 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
If you find that monogamy is oppressive, please avoid making a monogamous agreement. Respect your autonomy and structure your relationships in the ways that work best for you, which will likely vary over time.
posted by metasarah at 2:10 PM on September 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 2:10 PM on September 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
and older women are very attractive to me
This is the kind of thing you should be more careful about saying out loud, not to mention as an internal talk track. Avoid objectifying people on the grounds of things they cannot control
I have OCD too and shame intensifies the spiral. So I want to challenge the suggestion that you shouldn't say this out loud - or even think it! What the heck? That's a counterproductive statement to say to someone with OCD which by definition involves obsessive thinking.
It's not wrong or bad to be attracted to older women. I'm not sure what the hand wringing over this is about but I don't think you should take this on as something else to worry about or be ashamed of. Attraction is often a mystery. For some people it's fairly consistent. For others, it changes from partner to partner. Lots of people have very specific and life-long attractions to a certain look or attribute. It's not objectifying to simply feel attraction. That's a feeling and feelings aren't bad, wrong or shameful.*
As you sort this out, stay attentive to the OCD and how it may be distorting your reaction to this situation. And think what you want to think. Say it out loud. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
*Making a distinction between attraction toward another consenting adult and attraction that could result in predatory behavior, i.e., a teenager
posted by MissPitts at 5:15 PM on September 7, 2022 [10 favorites]
This is the kind of thing you should be more careful about saying out loud, not to mention as an internal talk track. Avoid objectifying people on the grounds of things they cannot control
I have OCD too and shame intensifies the spiral. So I want to challenge the suggestion that you shouldn't say this out loud - or even think it! What the heck? That's a counterproductive statement to say to someone with OCD which by definition involves obsessive thinking.
It's not wrong or bad to be attracted to older women. I'm not sure what the hand wringing over this is about but I don't think you should take this on as something else to worry about or be ashamed of. Attraction is often a mystery. For some people it's fairly consistent. For others, it changes from partner to partner. Lots of people have very specific and life-long attractions to a certain look or attribute. It's not objectifying to simply feel attraction. That's a feeling and feelings aren't bad, wrong or shameful.*
As you sort this out, stay attentive to the OCD and how it may be distorting your reaction to this situation. And think what you want to think. Say it out loud. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
*Making a distinction between attraction toward another consenting adult and attraction that could result in predatory behavior, i.e., a teenager
posted by MissPitts at 5:15 PM on September 7, 2022 [10 favorites]
So, I've been a professor in the past, and I've been asked out by my students multiple times. Here's what I think is going on, having been on the other side: of course you have a crush on your professor. Your only interaction with her was that she stood in front of you twice a week for like an hour at a time and was smart and engaging. And maybe also you needed some extra help and she met with you privately and was wise and compassionate. That's the absolute ideal way to make someone interested in you.
So definitely give yourself a break - this is extremely normal and happens all the time. Also, try to understand that the person you have feelings for doesn't really exist. When she was in front of the class, she was performing, to a certain extent. Think of it like having a celebrity crush; you don't really know anything about the person, not really, so you can feel free to regard it as harmless.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:25 AM on September 8, 2022 [7 favorites]
So definitely give yourself a break - this is extremely normal and happens all the time. Also, try to understand that the person you have feelings for doesn't really exist. When she was in front of the class, she was performing, to a certain extent. Think of it like having a celebrity crush; you don't really know anything about the person, not really, so you can feel free to regard it as harmless.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:25 AM on September 8, 2022 [7 favorites]
I think this is two different issues.
Crushes like this are totally normal but, as you mention with sage self-awareness, having OCD makes it harder and even scary. You are in good company here in terms of fellow people with OCD, who are bisexual, etc. I am both and I absolutely know this feeling. Fortunately, therapy and a low dose of SSRIs have made a world of differences. Shame is so real but life gets extra beautiful once you've processed things and accept yourself as perfectly imperfect as we all are! OCD does make it much harder as does living in a world that is still quite biphobic. I'm almost 40 and I definitely still like older women too, especially if they are in a leadership role like professor or fitness instructor. It's fun and nowadays I can usually tell if it's a crush with potential or just a fun temporary secret. Yes, I said fun: once I let go of the shame, I have felt so free. I even tell my mom and we laugh together. She's straight but totally gets it too as do most adults in their own way. We all have some sort of authority figure from childhood that we tend to get harmless crushes on, like an auto mechanic, firefighter, nurse or chef or PE teacher or whatever. I get crushes on a lot of people in all of these professions!! (I have always crushed a lot and only now do I realize it's totally OK, and can be fun and harmless!)
As for feeling so repressed in your current relationship, I am sorry. You can totally have an open relationship and/or girlfriend if you want! The world is your oyster! Maybe it won't be possible with your current boyfriend but maybe it is and you just have felt too scared or ashamed to ask. It's true that relationships often require some compromise but we should not feel repressed or that we have to sacrifice our identities and personalities. A girlfriend and/or open relationship may not be the perfect solution but it's what you want now and you deserve to pursue it. Let us know if you need some conversation starters because transparency and trust are essential, especially if you want to maybe continue things with him.
Again, lots of love and support to you. I know the feeling. It's a special type of hell. But there is hope and happiness after the hard work of working to live authentically.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:55 PM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Crushes like this are totally normal but, as you mention with sage self-awareness, having OCD makes it harder and even scary. You are in good company here in terms of fellow people with OCD, who are bisexual, etc. I am both and I absolutely know this feeling. Fortunately, therapy and a low dose of SSRIs have made a world of differences. Shame is so real but life gets extra beautiful once you've processed things and accept yourself as perfectly imperfect as we all are! OCD does make it much harder as does living in a world that is still quite biphobic. I'm almost 40 and I definitely still like older women too, especially if they are in a leadership role like professor or fitness instructor. It's fun and nowadays I can usually tell if it's a crush with potential or just a fun temporary secret. Yes, I said fun: once I let go of the shame, I have felt so free. I even tell my mom and we laugh together. She's straight but totally gets it too as do most adults in their own way. We all have some sort of authority figure from childhood that we tend to get harmless crushes on, like an auto mechanic, firefighter, nurse or chef or PE teacher or whatever. I get crushes on a lot of people in all of these professions!! (I have always crushed a lot and only now do I realize it's totally OK, and can be fun and harmless!)
As for feeling so repressed in your current relationship, I am sorry. You can totally have an open relationship and/or girlfriend if you want! The world is your oyster! Maybe it won't be possible with your current boyfriend but maybe it is and you just have felt too scared or ashamed to ask. It's true that relationships often require some compromise but we should not feel repressed or that we have to sacrifice our identities and personalities. A girlfriend and/or open relationship may not be the perfect solution but it's what you want now and you deserve to pursue it. Let us know if you need some conversation starters because transparency and trust are essential, especially if you want to maybe continue things with him.
Again, lots of love and support to you. I know the feeling. It's a special type of hell. But there is hope and happiness after the hard work of working to live authentically.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:55 PM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
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posted by epj at 10:58 AM on September 7, 2022 [7 favorites]