Talking to My New Manager About Burnout
August 2, 2022 11:33 AM Subscribe
After 2 years of high stress, long hours, perpetual oncall, no backup and no ability to take time off, I was finally helped at work. They gave me a new manager, assigned me onto a team of peers and gave me a huge raise along with a large tranche of RSUs. I finally took a few weeks of vacation, returned and am so burned out. How do I approach my new manager about this?
I spent the past 2 years in a very high-stress role with limited resources, underpaid and with a manager who ignored me unless he messaged me about a new responsibility I needed to take on. I was hired for one role dedicated as a technical resource to a huge, strategic and very demanding client but ended up also running an area of a giant security certification project as well as taking over all duties of the IT group that departed. Most days I worked around 18 hours plus weekends and there was nobody to replace me. I was also given assignments that were outside of my scope of experience with no advice or resources, just told to figure it out. There was a fair amount of late night crying but I did just figure it out.
The good: upper management realized that it was impossible for one person to be running all of this and my manager's boss reached out for skip meetings. During these it became apparent that my boss was downplaying the amount of work assigned to me and also managed to hire me below the stated pay band. Fast forward a year and my old boss left, I became part of an actual team, got an awesome new manager and finally got backup for my work along with a group of contractors for handling some of the more tedious work. They also gave me a title bump, a 25% raise, a giant RSU grant, more learning opportunities and at long last I switched off my work alerts and vacationed for several glorious weeks. Hooray!
Now I'm back at work and terribly burned out. I do the bare minimum right now and only really respond to requests instead of my usual proactiveness. I take extra long lunches and sometimes just fuck around doing nothing. I feel guilty because I was rewarded for all my hard work and now have a great new manager whose performance is partially measured on promotions within the team. On a recent 1-1 my manager asked me to start thinking about projects to take on for this year so we can document for promotions and I shuddered at the thought of having to come up with a large project, complete it and then get even more responsibilities within the next year.
With all that said: how can I go about approaching my manager about burnout? I already took vacation so I'm not sure what solution there would be and I'm not entirely sure it's worth bringing up if I can just skate along for a bit until I stop feeling like this. I also don't want to flag myself as a potential problem by alerting about my motivation issues. What's a good script to use to address this? Or, what are reasons to just leave it alone and coast in my current position without making moves to level up? Despite my previous manager I really like this company, my overall pay and want to keep my job.
I spent the past 2 years in a very high-stress role with limited resources, underpaid and with a manager who ignored me unless he messaged me about a new responsibility I needed to take on. I was hired for one role dedicated as a technical resource to a huge, strategic and very demanding client but ended up also running an area of a giant security certification project as well as taking over all duties of the IT group that departed. Most days I worked around 18 hours plus weekends and there was nobody to replace me. I was also given assignments that were outside of my scope of experience with no advice or resources, just told to figure it out. There was a fair amount of late night crying but I did just figure it out.
The good: upper management realized that it was impossible for one person to be running all of this and my manager's boss reached out for skip meetings. During these it became apparent that my boss was downplaying the amount of work assigned to me and also managed to hire me below the stated pay band. Fast forward a year and my old boss left, I became part of an actual team, got an awesome new manager and finally got backup for my work along with a group of contractors for handling some of the more tedious work. They also gave me a title bump, a 25% raise, a giant RSU grant, more learning opportunities and at long last I switched off my work alerts and vacationed for several glorious weeks. Hooray!
Now I'm back at work and terribly burned out. I do the bare minimum right now and only really respond to requests instead of my usual proactiveness. I take extra long lunches and sometimes just fuck around doing nothing. I feel guilty because I was rewarded for all my hard work and now have a great new manager whose performance is partially measured on promotions within the team. On a recent 1-1 my manager asked me to start thinking about projects to take on for this year so we can document for promotions and I shuddered at the thought of having to come up with a large project, complete it and then get even more responsibilities within the next year.
With all that said: how can I go about approaching my manager about burnout? I already took vacation so I'm not sure what solution there would be and I'm not entirely sure it's worth bringing up if I can just skate along for a bit until I stop feeling like this. I also don't want to flag myself as a potential problem by alerting about my motivation issues. What's a good script to use to address this? Or, what are reasons to just leave it alone and coast in my current position without making moves to level up? Despite my previous manager I really like this company, my overall pay and want to keep my job.
Part of what’s going on is that you may have lost your sense of what a normal amount of work is — that is, what feels to you like the bare minimum may be perfectly adequate.
posted by LizardBreath at 12:29 PM on August 2, 2022 [24 favorites]
posted by LizardBreath at 12:29 PM on August 2, 2022 [24 favorites]
I have been through burnout twice. The first time i took a few weeks off and came back, okay but Not okay, I pushed myself as i did not want to let my colleagues and employer down. The second time, almost exactly 12 months later, the crash was much harder, involving many physical symptoms. Yet, against all advice I initially i went back after a few weeks. As you, i very quickly realised such an early return was not sustainable nor compatebly with a full recovery. I muddled through for a year which mostly worked because of colleagues willing to carry me through. But there was a day one of the simply told me this was no longer workable and that she could see that i was just at Rock bottom, which was true. So i finally went on an extended sick leave.
I was away from work for almost 2 1/2 years, going through treatment, therapy, and very large chunks of time doing literally nothing.
I resumed work about 5 weeks ago, at the same employer, part time and in a different role, and am really happy and content.
I cannot advise you what to say to your employer, as laws are very different here to the US. My employer was willing to wait however long it would take partly due to local labour law/insurance law.
But my point is: a few weeks are not sufficient. The price for pushing on is not worth paying. See a specialist for burnout (where i live these are specialised psychiatrists).
posted by 15L06 at 12:32 PM on August 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was away from work for almost 2 1/2 years, going through treatment, therapy, and very large chunks of time doing literally nothing.
I resumed work about 5 weeks ago, at the same employer, part time and in a different role, and am really happy and content.
I cannot advise you what to say to your employer, as laws are very different here to the US. My employer was willing to wait however long it would take partly due to local labour law/insurance law.
But my point is: a few weeks are not sufficient. The price for pushing on is not worth paying. See a specialist for burnout (where i live these are specialised psychiatrists).
posted by 15L06 at 12:32 PM on August 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think one way to address this with your manager is to say that you will be taking time from the workweek each week to deal with burnout with a burnout therapist to help you in your struggle to return to a normative level of productivity.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:34 PM on August 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:34 PM on August 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I am sorry that you are feeling this way but I would not share this with a manager. Unfortunately, I think if you bring it up, you will indeed flag yourself as a problem and could ultimately end up with more stressors. If you are able to "skate along", just meeting requirements for a while, I would suggest doing that and staying quiet until you get back on your feet.
If you need to request formal leave for your health and well-being, that is a separate matter.
posted by fies at 1:16 PM on August 2, 2022 [19 favorites]
If you need to request formal leave for your health and well-being, that is a separate matter.
posted by fies at 1:16 PM on August 2, 2022 [19 favorites]
Best answer: How about suggesting that you just got a significant work upgrade, so you're looking forward to settling in your role for the next few months before taking on more challenges? It sounds like you have your backup to train or coordinate with, and the contractors ditto. Taking your lunches and not jumping on all new challenges is perfectly healthy. You've paid your dues so you should get more slack.
(I wouldn't talk directly about burnout though.)
posted by I claim sanctuary at 1:37 PM on August 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
(I wouldn't talk directly about burnout though.)
posted by I claim sanctuary at 1:37 PM on August 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree with the idea of saying, “I’d like to settle in for the next few months and get a deeper and broader sense of the best way to shape my role for future success, instead of jumping on multiple projects right away.” Showing stability, creative thinking, and commitment can get you through a period of not doing 100% - instead of doing, you are observing, gathering data, strategizing.
posted by matildaben at 2:38 PM on August 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 2:38 PM on August 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
On a recent 1-1 my manager asked me to start thinking about projects to take on for this year so we can document for promotions and I shuddered at the thought of having to come up with a large project, complete it and then get even more responsibilities within the next year.
This!
The fact that you shuddered at this tells me you’re still toasty. I would tell my manager “I’m still not ready to think about projects yet. I need to just get back to doing my job first.”
And to be fair to your manager, that’s probably part of the corporate “annual 1-1 script” but your manager should understand that you’ve been through a grinder and if they don’t work on getting you back to reality, they’ll lose you.
I retired years early, not because of burnout per se, but because I was at a company that wasn’t going in the same direction I was. Fair enough. It was an amicable breakup, but I got approached by an ex-co-worker recently to see if I was interested in doing some (very lucrative) consulting on a project where I’m still the domain expert. I turned them down. It would be like trying to get back together with an ex where things hadn’t worked out when neither of us has really changed.
posted by DaveP at 2:41 PM on August 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Vacations aren’t always restful… Can you pretend to have COVID and just take 10 days off and lie under a tree?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:52 PM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:52 PM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I very much recommend reading the The Joy of Burnout because if you recognise yourself in the stories it shares of burnout, you will hopefully also hear the message that if you don't address it, your body/mind will end up addressing it for you. It is hard to pull the emergency lever. Also good advice on this blog by a Canadian psychologist (link is to all posts on burnout).
It is tricky to make recommendations about your manager without knowing your manager, organisation and employment conditions. Taking extended sick leave may not be an option for you, but may be what you need.
If you are not able to address directly with your manager, my advice would be to seek the support of a professional (counsellor, psychologist) who can help you with issues such as reframing what you have to do versus what you drive yourself to do (or what it means to be a 'good employee'), to help you with setting boundaries for yourself and your workplace (even if you have been good at this in the past, burn out erodes this capability), help you with strategies to gently push back on taking on more work right now (how to talk to your manager if you don't want to do a big 'burn out' declaration) and self-care strategies.
posted by AnnaRat at 7:34 PM on August 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
It is tricky to make recommendations about your manager without knowing your manager, organisation and employment conditions. Taking extended sick leave may not be an option for you, but may be what you need.
If you are not able to address directly with your manager, my advice would be to seek the support of a professional (counsellor, psychologist) who can help you with issues such as reframing what you have to do versus what you drive yourself to do (or what it means to be a 'good employee'), to help you with setting boundaries for yourself and your workplace (even if you have been good at this in the past, burn out erodes this capability), help you with strategies to gently push back on taking on more work right now (how to talk to your manager if you don't want to do a big 'burn out' declaration) and self-care strategies.
posted by AnnaRat at 7:34 PM on August 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
I am dealing with this right now by using FMLA and taking a leave of absence. It took me years to get to the point of “letting others down”. Now that I’m doing it I really wish I had done it sooner. I’m doing a 4x/ week, 3 hr/ day IOP focusing on depression and anxiety. My insurance is paying for all of it. It’s virtual , as many are, so there are a lot you can choose from. I need to get back into making good choices for myself and relearning how to express myself authentically and this is a safe space for it. Doing this active work has been very enjoyable and I want contact with others who are experiencing something similar. I had taken a two week vacation a few months ago and while it was relaxing and enjoyable when I returned I still felt depressed and anxious. The vacation was a break but didn’t help me examine what major changes I need to make over time that will sustain me. Doing something to examine and grow are what is needed, not just escaping (although that’s a good idea once in a while, too, it wasn’t enough for me). Honestly, people I work with, including my boss, were not put off by this decision. I also realized that my well-being needs to be my priority. Good health to you!
posted by waving at 3:47 AM on August 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 3:47 AM on August 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks folks for the insightful replies. I decided not to bring up anything about burnout and am just gently tried to set expectations if my manager showed any project-related enthusiasm when I brought up my current workload/challenges. Links provided are very helpful, especially ones around how to heal my frayed nerves.
Here's to more long lunches and "sick days" in the coming year as I do the bare minimum/standard amount of work.
posted by JaneTheGood at 2:51 PM on August 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Here's to more long lunches and "sick days" in the coming year as I do the bare minimum/standard amount of work.
posted by JaneTheGood at 2:51 PM on August 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
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Various resources including suggestions how to speak to your boss.
Managing your workload to be able to focus on your physical and mental recovery is key. So by all means have a conversation about next project. But also use your wonderful boss to help you define realistic scope for such a project and make sure any such project can work within the defined scope. If the project can’t be done in those parameters they have to take other work away or give you help to make it doable. That’s not you slacking but making sure you don’t end up in that kind of situation again.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:56 AM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]