How do you avoid venting when gaslit?

May 26, 2022 4:31 PM

I experience and observe many unfair situations in life. Often I feel like other people either don’t notice or pretend not to notice. Something about that really bothers me and it makes me ITCH to SHOW EVERYONE the dysfunction. Can you help me understand / control this impulse?

I can sometimes be very gentle and forgiving and helpful if someone has a known problem and everyone sees it - for instance a former classmate had a lot of trauma / mental health stuff and it was disruptive, but everyone noticed and silently agreed it was bad, and so it never bothered me. I was able to be compassionate and helpful. Because it wasn’t being lied about, I had a strong impulse to help.

Today someone was being even more disruptive and harmful than those mental health moments ever were (not to me directly). Everyone saw it, and everyone around us pretended it wasn’t happening. It made me feel furious and ranty and almost pressurized to TALK about it. I felt gaslit and affronted by others’ ignoring the problem and needed them to see it. I didn’t need them to solve it- just like, be human, look over, and make an acknowledgement, even silent, that this wasn’t ok. But nobody did and it made me want to scream.

I’m an “ask” person and I spend a lot of time with “guess” people, so that’s probably part of the problem. And I’m also in a demographic where the kind of unfair things I see can harm me more than many other people around me - for instance, I work in a patriarchal industry and if it’s a man being toxic I’m very aware of how my gender is at risk from people like him, so that makes me feel more urgently like whatever-it-is needs to be stopped.

Anyway today at work something was bad in a toxic-masculinity way, and everyone pretended it was fine. I felt raw and angry (especially in this particular week of news!) and I talked about the pattern I saw. What I said was true and everyone agreed- but I shouldn’t have talked about it, because I was at work.

Can you help me figure out how not to do this, at least at work? I honestly hate the idea of letting this shit lie. It makes me so agitated. But I also have to remain employable. Ugh. Thanks.

posted by nouvelle-personne to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I don’t mean this to sound rude, but have you considered the possibility that the others either didn’t actually know what was going on, or if they did, that they were too afraid to say anything (perhaps for the very same reasons you mentioned in your post)? Because it comes off as a bit paranoid to assume everyone else is conspiring against you simply because they didn’t behave as you expected. And I don’t see anything in your post that *you* said or did anything, either. It’s quite possible your co-workers are asking the same question about you. So that’s where I’d start: Remind yourself that people process things, especially upsetting or disturbing things, in different ways. Also remind yourself that what may seem obvious to you may not be as obvious to someone who is concentrating on something else. I once missed an office pizza party because nobody told me the pizza had arrived. Afterward I asked a co-worker why no one told me, and he said “you were sitting next to the door where the pizza guy came in; I assumed you saw him”. I didn’t, because I was head down staring at my computer. But also, maybe talk to your co-workers about it later?
posted by kevinbelt at 4:52 PM on May 26, 2022 [8 favorites]

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

Repeat this mantra until you have the security and power to call this out whenever you like. It's not an all-or-nothing, you get to pick your battles and occasions!

Be mindful and aware of the problems and keep tabs. But also keep your eye on the long-term, is my vague two cents. Good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:52 PM on May 26, 2022 [2 favorites]

Everyone saw it, and everyone around us pretended it wasn’t happening. It made me feel furious and ranty and almost pressurized to TALK about it. I felt gaslit and affronted by others’ ignoring the problem and needed them to see it. I didn’t need them to solve it- just like, be human, look over, and make an acknowledgement, even silent, that this wasn’t ok.

Were you doing anything to signal to other people that you thought something not okay was going on? Were you trying to catch people's eyes and they were refusing to make eye contact? Or what? It would be helpful to know how you and they were behaving differently.

Also, in a situation where something not okay is happening, are you able to say, "hey, this is not okay." Sometimes it just needs someone to break the silence. That can be hard, it can be dangerous, but it can also be transformative.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 5:06 PM on May 26, 2022 [3 favorites]

I talked about the pattern I saw. What I said was true and everyone agreed- but I shouldn’t have talked about it, because I was at work.

I think some of the replies missed this part. However, it makes me wonder, if you said something and everyone agreed, why you think that you shouldn't have said anything? If you could help us understand what you said and the consequences (or the possible consequences that worry you) we might be able to give you more support for how to handle those moments. Because it might be that saying something (if the risk to you isn't too much) could be a good thing, even at work. Or maybe not...
posted by metahawk at 5:20 PM on May 26, 2022 [14 favorites]

Speaking very generally, I have found one of the best strategies in terms of both outcomes and my personal peace of mind is to go positive and articulate the solution/correction/whatever, without directly referring to the problem. For example: If the issue is Bob talking over Alice and treating her idea with contempt, repeat Alice's idea (giving her attribution of course!), say it's worth examining, and make space for it being discussed. But not making it about Bob being an asshole, which people either see or don't on their own.

This isn't always possible. But in my example like this, hearing other people chime in with support for the idea is super rewarding and you can be sure the people who do so have mentally pegged you in that moment as "problem solver" and are grateful. Calling out Bob, on the other hand, might ratchet up the tension, derail the meeting, and get you pegged as a disruptive (including from Alice.)

Doesn't apply in all cases, of course.



My other thought solely relates to your reaction: Could framing it mentally as "gaslighting" be making it harder to let go? Gaslighting implies dishonesty and almost conspiratorial malice, and also makes it a personal attack on you.

Thinking them as people who don't see the problem, or disagree about it's importance, or who just want to keep their head down and go home with no drama when the workday's done doesn't mean you have to approve but it might make it easier to move to a headspace where ranting isn't the only option.
posted by mark k at 6:21 PM on May 26, 2022 [23 favorites]

Like some of the other replies, I'm slightly confused by the question, for a few reasons:

1. Why do you assume that nobody said anything because they were pretending it was fine? While it's hard to say without knowing more details, its seems likely some people either a) truly didn't notice or b) noticed to a degree but didn't think much of it or c) noticed and thought it was bad but decided, in the interest of picking one's battles, that it wasn't worth addressing.

2. It's not clear to me why you think it was bad you said something, if people seemed to agree with you?

A general bit of advice: if you are calling out problems at work, which can always be a bit risky, do so in a way that is as depersonalized as possible. So to use mark k's example above, I wouldn't call out Bob in the moment (unlikely to go over well) but to later bring up that "Hey, a pattern I've noticed is the men here often talk over women. How might we address this? I was thinking if might be nice if, given this is a male dominated field, we make sure at every meeting the first people to talk are the women in the room." Or something like that.
posted by coffeecat at 6:27 PM on May 26, 2022 [6 favorites]

Everyone saw it, and everyone around us pretended it wasn’t happening. It made me feel furious and ranty and almost pressurized to TALK about it. I felt gaslit and affronted by others’ ignoring the problem and needed them to see it.

I'm not seeing the part where other people questioned your sanity or manipulated you into questioning your own sanity. If that didn't happen then 'gaslit' or 'gaslighting' is not the term you want to use. Keep the term for its inherited meaning because it is powerful and necessary in that form. To use it to mean that your concerns were ignored or overlooked is to make the term near useless.
posted by Thella at 12:11 AM on May 27, 2022 [18 favorites]

Have you read about the Bystander Effect?

There's debates about it, particularly about whether some of the initial examples of it actually happened -
but what is true, is that when people are faced with an ambiguously-crisis situation (ie is this a problem/emergency? Or something that is ok to ignore?), rather than visibly reacting, most people adopt a kind of blank poker face, and look around to see if anyone *else* is freaking out and treating it like a crisis.

And unfortunately, if people look around and see everyone else doing the pokerface, and no one reacting - they are more likely to conclude that doing nothing is the correct action.

I have seen this personally, including at a public library when people were avoiding a woman having a severe seizure because... I think they thought it was maybe a mental health problem, and no one was getting close enough to find out. But as soon as I yelled for someone to call an ambulance, suddenly about half a dozen people jumped in to help.
(and to avoid statements I've received in the past about maybe it would have been better to leave her alone, or that a lot of epileptics have frequent seizures and don't want attention - yes it was some kind of seizure, a bad one, yes she needed medical attention, she ended up badly biting her tongue and was distraught afterwards and taken to hospital).

So I'm wondering if you're getting frustrated by the bystander effect?
I'm also wondering if you're someone who, like me, leaps into action during a crisis, and *runs* towards dealing with the emergency rather than freezing - and freezing seems to be the more common reaction honestly.
If so, maybe part of the reaction is that adrenaline reaction to *do* something, and freezing like everyone else gave you no 'outlet' for that energy.

That doesn't necessarily mean you *should* do something in every situation, but if you know you've got that adrenaline jolt, at least you know that your body wants to *do* something with that energy, and if you can't be useful, then maybe you can quickly go walk around the building or go wash your hands to defuse some of that energy.
posted by Elysum at 12:50 AM on May 27, 2022 [5 favorites]

It sounds like you have a strong, total-body response to witnessing injustice. This can be powerful - it can be your superpower - but it needs to be channelled to be effective.

Now that you know you have a strong motive force, a high-powered engine that activates in these situations, you need tactics and strategies to use it for good.

The long-term strategy is to cultivate your leadership : one of the classic ways to effect transformational change is by owning the business or being high up in the org chart. Draw people to your vision and build an organization on your terms. This will take time.

Until then, you're at risk if you jump in. Yet it can feel like a moral injury to stand by in silence. A few techniques have been mentioned - be pointedly kind, be briskly positive, etc. Keep building your repertoire of tactics while you bide your time.

What I mean to say is that jerks also tend to be ambitious, competitive, and they travel in packs. To play the long game, plan to out-compete them, out-ambition them and build your own pack. Then you can be a powerful force for good.

Good luck - I'm cheering for you.
posted by dum spiro spero at 1:55 AM on May 27, 2022 [4 favorites]

Whenever someone posts a relatively lengthy Ask without actual specific details of what happened, I always wonder why. Do you know that we could potentially offer better suggestions if we really understood the situation? Are you worried that if you gave the details we wouldn't agree with your take on it, or what?

Given how vague this is, I'm not sure I can offer any real help. But I do relate to being a woman in a male -dominated industry. If you're not getting enough validation at work about how shitty certain situations are, by all means vent to a friend, or join a "Women in X Industry" group.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 2:18 AM on May 27, 2022 [14 favorites]

It sucks when people don't pick the same battles you pick. Sometimes it's cowardice, sometimes it's opportunism, sometimes it's just not the hill they want to die on, because you can't die on every hill, and they have already chosen another one. I confess, I might sometimes gloss over tensions, when when I feel that adressing them would distract from something more urgent I want to accomplish.

You say that you just wanted people to acknowledge the injustice. In your own retelling, it seems like they did. But they objected to your timing. Of course, for a certain kind of person, the timing will always be wrong. Maybe that's what you are feeling gaslit about? These people suggest that they would take your side, if only you brought it up at the right time, in the right place, in the right way, but you know in your heart it will never happen?

Let me be clear, I respect your rage. I do think I can relate. People have to pick their battles, life is full of difficult choices, but it certainly sucks if it's somehow always your concerns that are chosen for the sacrifice. Your post is pretty vague, but I can easily imagine a myriad of scenarios where your rage is perfectly justified. But in order to use it constructively, you need to be pragmatic about it.

First, be aware what you're doing when you're addressing the conflict in the heat of the moment. Be prepared for things to blow up. People will feel attacked, people will get defensive. You can't control their reaction. You can start a debate, but you can't unilaterally end it. Adressing a conflict always introduces an element of chaos. So be prepared to give up anything else you planned for that occasion. Often that's the right choice! Sometimes escalating a conflict to force everyone to clarify their position is a lot better than letting things endlessly simmer and boil. Chaos can be much better than stasis.

But don't be surprised when people are unhappy about being put on the spot. You say that you don't expect instant solutions, that you'd be satisfied with some sort of acknowledgement of the problem. But people can't necessarily know that; they will feel a pressure to pick sides, declare their banners - and you do want them to do at least that much, after all. Sometimes this choices should be easy enough, and it's best to trust your instincts, don't overthink it. People can talk themselves out of doing the right thing, given too much time. There is however a certain risk that people regret choices they feel rushed into, and resent the person who rushed them. And lots of people just freeze up and will be entirely useless.

So next time do a quick scan of the social dynamics in your setting. Do you know at least one other person who's generally at ease with conflict? How likely are they to be on your side? How much power do they have to sway others? How much power do you have? Escalation can provide good outcomes, but only if you can get some momentum for your cause and know how to ride it.

In my day-to-day life I might let a lot of things slide, for better and worse reasons. But I'm not generally conflict averse. When I care, I care, and I'm perfectly willing to pick sides. I'm also not much of a pacifist. I do however prefer conflicts I can win. I want to have some choice in the terms of engagement. I want some time to think about the social dynamics, the stakes, the logistics, the best angle of attack, an exit strategy if things go wrong. I don't do well with being put on the spot. So I'm a shit ally, if you catch me on the wrong foot. But I can be a pretty good co-conspirator.

Maybe there are people like that at your job. You might get a lot more use of them if you can indulge some circumspection.
posted by sohalt at 5:27 AM on May 27, 2022 [4 favorites]

Beneath it all, this seems like an impulse control issue.

To have the best impulse control, make sure you are getting enough sleep and are not hungry or thirsty. Having these basic needs met helps a lot.

Beyond that, giving yourself a routine of something to do before speaking could help buy you time. If you are tempted to say something, knowing that you have a routine of getting a coffee first, or filling your water bottle and drinking first, could help.

Maybe best of all would be writing it out first. If it's something that serious that comes up repeatedly, you have a written log. If not, you have a vent that buys you time to make a considered strategic decision rather than an impulsive response.
posted by Salamandrous at 12:28 PM on May 27, 2022 [2 favorites]

This is a hard question to answer because the details are a bit unclear. I think we'd have to know you and the situations better to give the most helpful advice but we certainly want to try!!

I think the bottom line is that I try to surround myself with good, kind, trustworthy people and limit time / set strong boundaries everywhere else. For me this means setting good boundaries with family, and focusing on good friendships / ending mediocre or bad friendships through a gentle conversation (or slow fade or blocking, if necessary.) At work I'd say it's a mixture of both: set those boundaries, then look for a few workplace that has less toxic masculinity, etc. I know this isn't an option for all but hopefully it is for you. I am all about standing up to bullshit but ultimately it's often best to extract yourself from the abuse, fight it from safety if possible, and find a better fit. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shit, and I wish you luck on your journey!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:16 PM on May 27, 2022 [1 favorite]

So not to pathologize this impulse whatsoever, because I have it too and think it's good overall, but something this brought to mind immediately is that I've seen a number of people lately noting that this kind of justice orientation often is a trait of non-neurotypical folks, especially those who have ADHD. That can make controlling the immediate impulse to do something about it more difficult too. I bring it up because reading about this in conjunction with ADHD might give you some directions to go in with your own research into how to manage and direct this impulse. Again, it's a good thing that you have this—someone needs to speak up or take action when there's injustice, if it's possible—but it would also be good to make sure you have control over the impulse to help. Sometimes you can do more good by not immediately reacting, thus ensuring you're able to stick around and help address a situation in more long-term, systemic ways.
posted by limeonaire at 9:10 PM on May 27, 2022 [3 favorites]