Etiquette for inviting someone who doesn't drink to a wine tasting?

March 6, 2022 6:18 AM

Let's say you met a couple of new friends, one of whom doesn't drink. You happen to be going to an event (a wine and liquor tasting that also features non-alcoholic drinks and gourmet food) that you thought about inviting the new friends along to.

You could just invite the one friend (the one who drinks), but then you are leaving the other person out. What is the best way to handle this? Additional details:

1. I don't know why this friend doesn't drink. She claims it's for health.

2. I have previously gone out to dinner with these friends and some of us would drink while the person in question did not. So, she's been around people who are drinking.

3. I think the event might offer good people watching. (Both of these friends are single so that's the reason I thought of inviting them since the event looks like it attracts a nice selection of men.)

4. I'd really just be inviting them along since I was planning to attend anyway.

I want to avoid being rude and offending the person who doesn't drink.

posted by MarnieSrpings to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Perhaps invite both friends while providing the details (as you did above) so each of them can make an informed decision on whether or not to attend.
posted by Scout405 at 6:25 AM on March 6, 2022 [12 favorites]

This is considerate of you! I’d definitely invite both; it’s not rude to extend the invite because it’s not solely an alcohol event.

Make a point to say you’re planning to attend and it looks like there a lots of options for non-alcoholic beverages, fine foods, and people watching as well. Then trust the teetotaler to make her own assessment of whether she wants to participate—and do not push back or argue if she declines. That would cross the line you’re hoping to stay clear of.
posted by kapers at 6:29 AM on March 6, 2022 [26 favorites]

As a non-drinker, I don't mind going to dinner with people who I know are probably going to have a few drinks with dinner. The drinking isn't the reason we're hanging out, that's just ancillary to us all getting together. However, I won't go with you to the bar.

As a non-drinker, I wouldn't exactly mind going to an event like a wine and liquor tasting, but if tasting wine and liquor is the main reason for the event, I'm going to find it really, really boring. My experience with these kinds of events is that while they may have non-alcoholic drinks available, they're usually just an afterthought. Everything at the event will be designed around wine and liquor tastings, and I'm just going to be standing there with nothing to do.

So in your case I'd make it clear to both friends what the event is about, and let them both make their decisions. If the non-drinker declines, then just respect that decision and go have fun with the other friend.
posted by ralan at 6:30 AM on March 6, 2022 [25 favorites]

You can just invite both people and leave it to each individual to accept or pass, as you would with any other adult. No need to make it complicated.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:33 AM on March 6, 2022 [4 favorites]

I am currently abstaining from alcohol for medical reasons. If you invited me to a "wine tasting" I would probably pass because there is just... not much for non-drinkers to do at a wine tasting.

I'd be glad to attend a "wine and food tasting" or something similar though, especially if I could see enough detail about the event to be sure there would be an interesting selection of non-alcohol related things to try. I'm quite happy to drink sparkling water and eat gourmet foods!

I would be annoyed if I was excluded from an event because someone assumed I was just "claiming" to be teetotaling for health reasons and actually have a problem with substance use or feel uncomfortable/uptight around people who drink. I see you have good intentions but let your friend make her own informed decision about whether to attend.
posted by 4rtemis at 6:44 AM on March 6, 2022 [6 favorites]

I am a non-drinker but I still have a sense of smell, and I think it would be fun to be the weirdo at the wine-tasting party who merely sniffs the bouquet and forms opinions based on that. Invite them and let them decide if they're comfortable.
posted by Morpeth at 6:46 AM on March 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

Non-drinkers have developed their own strategies for socializing with those who imbibe. Ordering a tonic water and lime is an example. It's maybe a little harder with wine drinkers, but she'll figure it out if she accepts the invitation. I would not overthink it.
posted by yclipse at 7:05 AM on March 6, 2022

I don't know why this friend doesn't drink. She claims it's for health.

Um, it sounds like you do know why this person doesn't drink? Why would you not take her at her word?

Invite both friends with the information that you've provided here, and let her decide for herself.

If she opts out, it would be nice if you followed up by inviting her to a non-drinking event so that she knows you were looking forward to enjoying her company.
posted by BrashTech at 7:09 AM on March 6, 2022 [30 favorites]

I'm vegan, and I did feel hurt when a bunch of coworkers included everyone but me for a lunch at a burger place. I would have gone to socialize and ordered fries and a drink. Even if I wouldn't have gone, I would have preferred to be given the option instead of just being excluded.

I also don't drink and it seems to me that the wine tasting may or may not be boring for someone like me - you could have a bunch of people talking only about wine or a bunch of people drinking wine, generally socializing, and talking about other things. Plus there's food.

And if it turns out to be a bunch of people talking only about wine and one-upping each other on their wine knowledge, I'd get weeks of fun stories out of that.

I also don't understand why you don't know why your friend doesn't drink when she's said it's for health. In any case, her reasoning is irrelevant to your question. She still should get to decide.
posted by FencingGal at 7:12 AM on March 6, 2022 [8 favorites]

This seems like a casual event with an easy approach, as described by papers above: tell your non-drinking friend what the deal is, and let them decide based on their own comfort level. However, since you framed it as an etiquette question, I'd note that etiquette should also consider the other folks at the wine tasting. Would any of them be uncomfortable with someone they don't know who isn't participating the way they are? Will it add logistical complications, resentment in splitting the bill, social awkwardness, etc.?

Example: I have a relative who quit drinking for health reasons (broadly), and who is very open and devastatingly funny about her years of addiction and difficult road to sobriety. She would be totally comfortable going to a wine-tasting event and I would absolutely not bring her along to one anyway--her enthusiastic reformed-drinker energy would be a bad fit for the stated activity. Again, doesn't sound like that's what's up here, but I'd encourage extending etiquette to the other guests too.
posted by miles per flower at 7:14 AM on March 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

As a non-drinker, I would probably decline but appreciate an invite.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:18 AM on March 6, 2022 [5 favorites]

Invite them both with the information you have, and let them make their own decisions.

That said, as a non-drinker, this sounds like a miserable time, and there's no chance I'd say yes. It's not the same as dinner and drinks, or even a happy hour where the alcohol enables some people's ability to socialize - it's entirely oriented around drinking.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 7:20 AM on March 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

I’d invite them both and make reference to the one person not drinking so they know you know and are being intentional rather than clueless. Like, “I know X doesn’t drink but I wanted to invite both of you because [there are other activities, you wanted to let her choose, whatever/etc. ]
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:23 AM on March 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

The only reason I might not follow the consensus approach is if the person didn't drink for religious reasons, because then it might be taken as not respecting those beliefs. However, you do actually know why she doesn't drink: for health reasons. So I agree with all of the above.
posted by praemunire at 7:38 AM on March 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

1. I don't know why this friend doesn't drink. She claims it's for health.

Then she can "claim" she doesn't want to go.

As a person who doesn't drink it sounds dreadfully boring, but I would appreciate the invitation. Particularly if it did a decent job trying to sell me on the food.

BTW, history tells me that the topic of designated driver would come up sooner or later. So at least I would know what to expect?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:11 AM on March 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm very close to a teetotaler. I drink a bottle of wine, a year, maybe, if that.

I'm not sure why you know the reason your friend doesn't drink. Since it doesn't affect you, it doesn't matter.

Include your friend if you enjoy their company, they're an adult who can make their own decisions about attending.
posted by champers at 9:54 AM on March 6, 2022

I don't drink for my primarily for my health. Don't be suspicious of health claims, because there are tons of on medications and conditions where alcohol is contraindicated. It's really, really, common!

She can decide whether or not to go, and probably enjoys feeling her company is wanted even if she chooses not to. Don't we all? I've hung out a number of times in distilleries and breweries to enjoy the company of friends who invited me.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:41 AM on March 6, 2022 [6 favorites]

As a non-drinker, I’d be all over this, especially if “non-alcoholic drinks” included cocktails made with NA spirits (which I am eager to try but not eager to plunk down $40 a bottle for if they’re going to suck).

Please stop scrutinizing people’s actions and motivations (“well, I’ve seen them in the wild around people who drink so maybe?”) I know you’re trying to be thoughtful but your friend is a whole adult who can make their own decisions, and if they don’t want to be invited to events like this they will let you know. (I also got no time for folks who are awkward about my sobriety anymore and for folks who don’t believe what I choose to tell them that day about why I don’t drink. Your friend doesn’t drink, full stop, it doesn’t matter why).

I hope y’all have a wonderful time, whichever of your friends go with you!

(I would also find a “make-up activity awkward and forced, unless y’all are starting to hang out like that, but that’s just me.)

(Morpeth, I am also the weirdo smeller! Gods, it still smells good.)
posted by joycehealy at 11:37 AM on March 6, 2022 [5 favorites]

Ignoring the odd phrasing others have pointed out and assuming the best reasons for being concerned about this -- Maybe you are concerned about it seeming like you aren't interested in hanging out with this new friend if you invite them to this sort of thing?

Invite them but say "I understand if it's not something you are interested in, I just thought I would invite you because I happened to be going and thought it might be good for people watching. If you aren't interested we can do something else together later like check out this new restaurant I've been wanting to try" (Restaurant is just an example, substitute something else if that's not your thing)
posted by yohko at 12:21 PM on March 6, 2022 [4 favorites]

There seems to be no reason to not invite them. And a lot of reason why they may feel left out if you didn't invite them, given it's not just drinking focused anyway. They are an adult and can decide if they want to attend. I don't drink. It destroys my stomach. It's not even a "thing" for me. I just... don't consume alcohol. The same way someone may avoid dairy. Would you not invite a lactose intolerant person to a cheese tasting that also had non-dairy options?
posted by Crystalinne at 1:50 PM on March 6, 2022

Response by poster: Hey everybody, please don't get hung up on my poor word choice. The following statement can be replaced with:

I don't know why this friend doesn't drink. She claims it's for health.
I don't know much about the details of why this friend doesn't drink. She vaguely said it's for health reasons.
posted by MarnieSrpings at 2:22 PM on March 6, 2022 [7 favorites]

I'm a non-wine drinker who would like to be invited and probably not go. I think yohko's script sound the most like something I'd like to hear, paraphrased. "Hey I know this might not be your thing but it sounds fun and I am going. If it's not your idea of a good time let's plan a time to get together soon and do something else"
posted by jessamyn at 2:42 PM on March 6, 2022 [3 favorites]

I have previously gone out to dinner with these friends and some of us would drink while the person in question did not. So, she's been around people who are drinking.

How intoxicated do you get at tastings? I've known people who'd have a glass or two of wine with dinner and would be fine but would cut loose at tastings and get drunk. Being the sober person with drunk people can often not be a lot of fun. Not saying that this is what you would do, just something that might be a concern to alay.

Make sure that the invitation is phrased in a way that doesn't make it seem like you're just looking for a designated driver. That's a pattern that many of my non-drinking friends have experienced.

Overall I think your invitation sounds fine and she may or may not be interested (are tickets discounted for non-drinkers?), just be sensitive about phrasing.
posted by Candleman at 3:03 PM on March 6, 2022 [1 favorite]

I have attended a bourbon tasting as the designated driver. Wasn't boring at all, but trying to corral drunk friends to leave was a PITA.

My point is that there will be others there that abstain for many different reasons. Invite the friend and let them choose.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:31 PM on March 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

As someone in recovery, going to this event would work for me because of the food and socializing. Are you hesitant to invite them because you’re concerned their abstinence could cause the imbibers uncomfortable? Because that can certainly happen. But that’s on them. You would need to have everyone fill out a questionnaire on their anticipated comfort level to get a clearer picture on who should be invited or not. While your concern is from a good place, one cannot decide for others what is best for them. You can decide for yourself what you are comfortable with and go from there.
posted by waving at 3:19 AM on March 7, 2022 [1 favorite]