I have a drinking problem. Now what?

December 3, 2007 3:48 PM

My girlfriend says that she's going to leave me at the end of the week if I don't attempt to seek help for my drinking problem. Now what?

To put it in perspective, I don't know if she'll actually leave me, but she's obviously doing a good job at expressing the fact that she's at her wits end.

I guess I do have a drinking problem, yeah. However, I'm totally in the stage where I'd rather just ignore it and carry on with my life. Is that what's best for me? Probably not, and I know that.

I'm successful in my career, and alcohol isn't interfering with that. My finances are a little bit messed up, but they're getting better and booze isn't the direct cause.

I'm a 28 year old male. I started binge drinking when I was in college. Now that I've been out of college, I still continue to binge (with my friends) about once/week. Sometimes a little bit less. I go out to the bar, and I'm not having a good time until I've had about 4 beers. From there, I'm incapable of stopping. I drink and drink and drink until the sun comes up or we run out of booze. As the years go by, it's getting worse and worse.

My girlfriend is worried about me (understandably so) because of risks that I take when I'm drunk. I get rides from strangers, I end up in strange places with people that I don't know. A few months ago, no one could find me for a few hours because I'd passed out in a neighbor's yard on my walk home. The latest incident, this past Saturday night, I ended up ditching friends to hang out with a stranger. My phone was off so no one could find me, but my girlfriend got in touch with my friends who told her that I'd left the party more than an hour ago. Essentially, I was missing. This is not uncommon.

So, yeah, I have a problem. I know it. I don't really want to stop drinking. Scratch that. I can't bear the thought of having to quit drinking. I keep thinking that if I can just learn to ride the buzz after a few drinks then I'll be fine. So far, that hasn't been possible. As soon as I start drinking I have no off switch.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I just get it into my head that I'm going to binge, and then I do so. At work and family functions, I'm always totally ok to go out and just have a drink or two. It's when I'm with my friends, where binging is acceptable, that I lose control.

These aren't just drinking buddies. They are my dearest friends from way back, and not hanging out with them anymore isn't an option. And it's not just their fault. If there's a band playing in town on a Saturday night, and friends don't want to come with me, I'll go out and binge by myself and end up hanging out with strangers. They're not as bad as me, by the way. They tell me that I drink too much too.

I'm very busy with work during the week, and taking a few hours off to go to a therapist is extraordinarily inconvenient. I might be able to find someone in the evening, but I dunno. This whole thing is a serious blow to my ego. I pride myself of being able to "work hard and play hard." That sounds lame, I know, but I guess what I'm saying is that I hope that moderation is somehow an option.

Where do I start? What do I do? Has anyone had success with learning how to drink in moderation? I don't feel AT ALL ready to just walk into an AA meeting ... that sounds like hell.

posted by anonymous to health (120 comments total)

Do you want to stop drinking? If you do, then power to you. I hope you get yourself the help you need, and quit. If you don't, then do your girlfriend a favour and let her get you out of her life. It's very selfish of you to continually put her in the situations you're putting her in.
posted by Rabulah at 3:57 PM on December 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

However, I'm totally in the stage where I'd rather just ignore it and carry on with my life.

That complicates things, because you pretty much have to want to cut back or stop altogether before actually doing it. So until you want to, you're going to have to find a girlfriend who doesn't mind it when you pass out in the neighbor's yard. Good luck with that.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 4:00 PM on December 3, 2007

You seem to have made it clear that your girlfriend will leave you unless you get help. You've also made it clear that there are certain forms of help that you don't want to explore. If those are the forms of help that your girlfriend is talking about, then by not exploring them, you run the risk of losing her. If you value your relationship with her you should swallow your pride and get some professional help.
posted by inconsequentialist at 4:01 PM on December 3, 2007

If you need to drink to have fun something else is fundamentally wrong and you do need help. You girlfriend cares enough about you to put up with this so far, you are a lucky man. Your friends, while they may be ones you've had all your life, are not helping. Go hang with them somewhere else then a bar, away from alcohol. You're already on the road to liver failure and several other problems, turn back now.

In Brief: Go see a therapist, get into AA, and grow the hell up.
posted by Derek at 4:01 PM on December 3, 2007 [9 favorites]

"My girlfriend says that she's going to leave me at the end of the week if I don't attempt to seek help for my drinking problem. Now what?"

Now what? That depends. Do you love her? If so, then the answer to "now what" is "seek help like she has asked."

But I suspect that you do not love her, since apart from a cursory mention, you talk more about your love of alcohol and your friends than you do your partner.

Either way though, I do think you should consider seeking help. I like a drink here and there too, but I don't binge drink and neither do most functioning people. Also, if you need alcohol to be around your friends, and you're all around the age of 28, then perhaps these people aren't actual friends. Friends are people you can get drunk with and hang out sober with. And when these people are telling you you're drinking too much, then its probably true and you should take that on board.

My point is, you're obviously very good at your job, and you take pride in that, but alcohol is ruining all other parts of your life, and that's a problem. Like alcohol is fine, but as with most things in life, moderation is the key. It's not just an option, as you hope, it's an actual possibility. But to reach it you'll need to take as much pride in yourself as you do in being good at your job. And if this means leaving an hour or two early from work one or two nights a week, then so be it. Any employer who dosen't understand that this is something you need to do for your own health is not worth working for.

People following me in this thread will provide you with some places you can seek help. Follow these options for your own sake.
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:03 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Rabulah hits it from the point. The fact that you don't want to stop drinking because of what you get from it is the first sign. The fact that you're so self-involved that you couldn't take time off (Damnit, sacrifice a lunch break every other week!) to see a therapist is a bad sign.

The fact that you define it as 'bad' yet can't control it should be a clue.

Look at your own words, man. Step out of your self, step out of your head, and look at them from the point of view of a neutral observer. You're making excuses for yourself. Your friends are worried, your girlfriend's about to see you -- but it's too 'inconvenient' or you wouldn't 'have a good time' or a dozen other excuses. Just look at that.

But here's the point: You have a choice to make. Keep your girlfriend and get help for your drinking. Or get the hell out of your girlfriend's life and stop making her miserable.

From that decision point, how you do it is going to be important for you. Don't do AA, you don't see a problem yet and your peer group won't be at those meetings. I'd find a psychologist first.

Either way, find help -- if not for your drinking, but so that you're in control of yourself.
posted by SpecialK at 4:04 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

First off, it's totally your choice if your girlfriend leaves you or not, you're an adult person. However, your whole "gee what can you do" question here seems to make every plausible option impossible. The big deal with alcoholics is that no one else can tell them what to do. It's an extraordinarily narcissistic disorder/problem/ailment whatever you want ot call it, in that people outside fo your own habit literally do not matter. If you make the decision to do something about your drinking, you need to make it for you, not make it for your girlfriend and then blame her when you're unhappy.

I grew up in a family with one functioning alcoholic and one adult child of alcoholic enabler and as far as I'm concerned there was no reasonable adult in my family most of the time. It was a horror. So, that's my angle, but that doesn't have much to do with you.

To your question about moderation, it really depends. Usually the way to figure out is you QUIT first, then you ease back. Continuing to drink gets you into the whole "bargaining with yourself" arena and that never works well when you're already drinking. I've had a difficult relatonship with alcohol my whole life, but I drink moderately sometimes, heavily sometimes, other times not at all. However, and this is important, it's not as important to me as friends, my SO, my job, money or anything else, ever. It's not the boss of me. This is visible through word and deed, and that to me is important.

So you have some steps to take

1. decide if you want to quit or cut back, and set goals [i.e. by Valentine's Day I wont be drinking more than _________]
2. decide if you want to do this with your girlfriend's help or without it (sometimes a supportive partner is a good idea). Can she go with you out with eyour buddies? To an AA meeting? Help you line up a therapist? Realy if she's threatening to leave you it doesn't matter if she does leave you or not, trust is eroded and messed up, that's not at all cool.
3. decide what to do about your friends - no one is saying ditch them but if you want to help yourself and they don't want to see you change, you're in a bind. Has anyone else ever gone sober, or even a little more sober? What happened?
4. decide what other help you want. I see you talking yourself out of a therapist and AA. Without too much of a tough love speech this is how all addicts deal with cleaning up, it's always harder to go straight than stay fucked up unless you've hit the proverbial rock bottom.

This whole thing is a serious blow to my ego.

It's possible that an ego approach might help here. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm going to lose my excellent girlfriend because I insist on binge drinking with my friends or with strangers." Maybe thats okay with you. Continuing to be an alcoholic, while unhealthy for various reasons is totally an options, just like smoking or whatever. However, if you're already having questions about its usefulness in your life, if you like your girlfriend and would like her to stay, and if there are other things you'd like to do instead of getting very seriously lose-yourself drunk, figure out what those things are and move towards them. You can do it the way you want to, within reason, but you have to want to first and I'm not even sure you're there yet. MeFiMail if you want to chat more.
posted by jessamyn at 4:04 PM on December 3, 2007 [7 favorites]

A couple's therapist once told me, "When someone thinks they're being assertive and they're drinking, they're likely aggressive." She also refused to work with my ex-husband until he went to AA concurrently.

People who have a drinking problem tend to have emotional distance issues, judgment issues, etc. that cause problems way before they get fired at work.

So, you don't think/recognize that you have a problem and you like drinking more than you like your girlfriend. If you're fine with that, do nothing and let her leave. She's better off and you'll have a chance to hit bottom.
posted by Gucky at 4:04 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Look, you're an addict, and you're making excuses. You're at a crossroads: when it comes to a woman that you presumably love, and alcohol, which will you choose?

I wish you luck.
posted by sugarfish at 4:05 PM on December 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

Don't know about others, but AA - for the religious angle - ain't my bag.

Two things struck me from your post -

I go out to the bar, and I'm not having a good time until I've had about 4 beers. From there, I'm incapable of stopping. I drink and drink and drink until the sun comes up or we run out of booze. As the years go by, it's getting worse and worse.

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I am an expert on addiction and a veteran of alcohol abuse. You should realize the fact, and I don't mean this facetiously, that if this keeps up, you are going to die. Alcohol will kill you. So when you say,

However, I'm totally in the stage where I'd rather just ignore it and carry on with my life,

the truth is that isn't even an option.

Even if it is inconvenient, I would recommend seeing a therapist about it. Many of them work in the evening, specifically to see clients such as yourself.

This whole thing is a serious blow to my ego. I pride myself of being able to "work hard and play hard." That sounds lame, I know, but I guess what I'm saying is that I hope that moderation is somehow an option.

Wow, do I understand this part for sure. It isn't a negative reflection upon you that an addictive and dangerous drug is doing it's work upon you. The only negative reflection would be refusing to do anything about it.

Cheers, and good luck
posted by Cycloptichorn at 4:06 PM on December 3, 2007 [5 favorites]

One thing that might help is to leave your credit cards at home and take enough money (+ tip) for all the drinks you plan to have that evening (decide when you're sober). Then there is no way to go over your limit. Caveat is that others could buy you drinks but you can tell your friends ahead of time not to. Over time your body (and mind) will know when you reach that limit and you'll just stop.

Also figuring out what kinds of alcohol send you over that limit will help. For e.g. I can drink a lot of martinis and not know my limit. But with beer, I get full so that keeps me well paced.

Third suggestions to make it a habit to order drink + glass of water, ALWAYS. That will slow your pace down enough that you can make a better call to pass on that n^th drink.

good luck.
posted by special-k at 4:08 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's a little unfortunate you opted to post this question anonymously, because it serves as a great platform for people to lecture you regarding "what the fuck your problem is" or "what dark road you are headed down". If you're living in the LA area and actually looking for somebody to listen without passing judgment, shoot me an email.
posted by phaedon at 4:09 PM on December 3, 2007

jeez Derek--this is an illness, not a case of immaturity.

I feel for you, my friends had some similar problems, though they didn't need help to stop. Its really tough to be a normal guy and quit drinking altogether. Once you've quit, you're in your own world. I mean think about it (DEREK)--just about any time anyone wants to do anything with anyone else, drinking is involved. of course for everyone else, its a few drinks and go home. For you, its a worm hole.
You basically have 2 options--stop altogether or try in vain to drink in moderation. My friend did this 2nd route. man is it tough. you'll spend the whole time you're out thinking about how many drinks you've had, how close you are to "the edge", how drunk you are already.. its really not fun.
I'd say, just stop. at least for awhile. that probably means not going out a lot of the time. bring your girl when you do go out, and just do it for her.
As for whether you need help, i personally would guess you could stop on your own. but it may take a while, and its only a guess.
posted by alkupe at 4:09 PM on December 3, 2007

It seems like you don't really regard your drinking as a problem, or at least, not as a serious problem. As such, I think of chances of it just resolving itself are pretty minimal.

Figure out what you value more, your good times boozing or your good times with the girlfriend. If you prefer the former, keep boozing. If you value your girlfriend's company more, then seek therapy or a support group. And find ways to go out with your friends that are entirely, completely sober events.

Of course, there's a chance she's bluffing and won't actually leave, but that's out of your control.

Don't assume that AA is your only option. In terms of support groups, there are secular groups, such as SOS, that don't insult your intelligence by saying you need "submit to a higher power" to drink less.
posted by Nelsormensch at 4:10 PM on December 3, 2007

It is very likely that everybody who has walked into an AA meeting before you feels exactly the same way you do now. It sucks, but you are already starting to feel the friction between drinking and everything else. You've accepted the price to play up until now (hangovers, going missing, $$, fights w/gf or others, having to do damage control), but now it seems to be increasing, compounded by a lengthening history of events and drunken stories. Try AA, books, church, The Big Book, The Little Book*, family, friends, hotlines, AskMetafilter**...basically keep trying stuff and stick to the things that seem to be working and/or lead you towards solutions and personal growth, even if that progress is uncomfortable, expensive, inconvenient, or whatever other excuses you throw in your path. The alternative is worse, and you're starting to experience what that looks like. Believe it.

I wish you the best of luck and lots of encouragement.

*Can't remember if it was actually called "The Little Book", but it's a nonreligious alternative to "The Big Book".
**Done! Yay!
posted by iamkimiam at 4:11 PM on December 3, 2007

I'm very busy with work during the week, and taking a few hours off to go to a therapist is extraordinarily inconvenient.

Extraodinarily inconvenient? As inconvenient as it would be to fucking die?

I'm not being melodramatic here, and I'm usually not one to agree with the support-group advocates, but you sound like you have a serious problem. You're putatively an adult, but you're incapable of stopping drinking until "the booze runs out," you're disappearing with strangers for entire evenings, and you're falling unconscious outdoors your way home.

This is not the behavior of someone who kinda drinks too much. This is the behavior of someone with a siginificant substance-abuse problem, and you need to take care of your problem before it takes care of you. If you can't bring yourself to go to AA, then that means getting a therapist who has experience dealing with substance abuse issues despite how "inconvenient" you think that might be.
posted by dersins at 4:11 PM on December 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

As I was reading your description of your behavior, I kept thinking about how easy it would be, for someone who was so inclined, to take you captive in your vulnerable state and kill you, quickly or horribly. Maybe I read too many true crime blogs, which on some level you must know. but really: how can you ask anyone to love you, which includes caring and worrying about you, when you routinely put yourself in such dangerous situations? If you want to keep binge drinking, do the girl a favor and break up with her now. If you want to keep the girl, you must stop drinking. Although you think you can control it, that's a trick of the substance and not the reality.
posted by Scram at 4:12 PM on December 3, 2007

Now what?

Get your ass in therapy and AA, before you make a big mess.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:12 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

So,
- you can't control your drinking once you start to binge
- you've tried to cut down on your drinking and failed
- your friends are seriously concerned about your drinking
- you know that your drinking has caused problems in your life but you can't bear the thought of quitting drink
That qualifies as a serious problem (aka alcoholism).

Where do you start? Start with recognizing that you are not able to control your drinking by yourself - you need help. Your choice is to stop pretending and seek help now or wait until things get even worse.

Since you realize you have a problem but aren't quite ready to do something about it, the next step may be to work with a therapist to build your commitment to face your problem. And, yes, of course therapists have evening hours.
posted by metahawk at 4:13 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I used to drink a lot. There was no such thing as just one. Had to finish all the alcohol and then be inventive about finding more. This stopped working for me a long long time ago, but about two years ago I decide to quit. Drank up big new year's eve and embarrassed myself(so what else is new) and decided to take a year off drinking. One year - how hard could that be? The first three months were a little difficult, sometimes all I could think about was drinking. I didn't stop going the places I used to, and if my friends drank, I drank something soft. I discovered how excrutiatingly boring they are drunk (likewise I'm sure). After a year, I reintroduced alcohol. I made deals with myself (eg 1/2 a bottle max) and kept them. I refused to buy alcohol if I was in the mindframe of "I really really really want this."

It's pretty much working for me now. I drink maybe once every two months, and never to excess. But, I can still feel that desire to drink to oblivion. I suspect it will never go away.

So, basically, the other aspects of my life turned out to be more important than the drinking side of things. But you'll never know unless you take a break, will you? Also, seriously, try and find a healthier hobby. I took up studying. I enjoy it and can't do it pissed. Maybe you're bored.
posted by b33j at 4:16 PM on December 3, 2007 [9 favorites]

Rational Recovery is an alternative approach for those who want to quit drinking.
posted by paulsc at 4:16 PM on December 3, 2007

Your girlfriend obviously loves you a lot. You routinely engage in self-destructive behavior and your buddies are apparently oblivious to the fact that their influence on you is putting you in serious danger. She seems like the only one in the situation who's seriously looking down the road and trying to do right by you. Even if that means leaving you.

Think about that for a bit. How hard must that be for her?

You're going to wind up doing what you're going to wind up doing. My suspicion is that 10-15 years from now, when you're greasy and fat, with bad teeth and a perpetual hangover, when all your dreams and possibilities have faded into regret and when drinking is no longer fun but a way to keep that regret at arms length, when your buddies have wives and kids and invite you over for dinner once a month or so but make sure that you're in a cab on the way home before you start saying embarrassing shit, only then will you realize how much she loved you. You'll dig up her phone number and call. She'll tell you about her life, her kids, her husband. She'll be kind to you, ask how you're doing, and talk to you as long as you need to. And after you hang up the phone, you're going to cry your eyes out. And then you'll need a drink.

The life you're living won't last forever. That's what she's trying to tell you, painful as that might be. You're either going to hear the message and make hard choices now, or you're going to make them later. The question is, how much are you willing to lose in the meantime?
posted by felix betachat at 4:17 PM on December 3, 2007 [24 favorites]

Sounds like one of my college roommates. He died of liver failure at 42.
posted by mss at 4:18 PM on December 3, 2007

From there, I'm incapable of stopping…I can't bear the thought of having to quit drinking…As soon as I start drinking I have no off switch.

I.E., You're an alcoholic. These are textbook definitions. I think you know this already.

You haven't hit rock bottom yet. Your girlfriend hasn't left you, your friends haven't started avoiding you, and you haven't gotten rolled by someone who knew they could take advantage of you.

So, you can keep things up and wait until you hit rock bottom, you can keep things up and hope that you never do hit rock bottom, or you can use that hypertrophic frontal cortex that evolution has blessed you with to take control of your life and quit drinking. You don't need to see a therapist, or join AA, or Get Right With God, you just need to not drink. I've had friends who recognized they had this problem and stopped drinking altogether without any outside help. One of these friends, after about ten years of complete abstention, had worked through enough negative shit in her life to start drinking responsibly, but I think that's a rare case.

Has anyone had success with learning how to drink in moderation?

You know, there was this organization called Mindful Moderation or something like that, that existed as an alternative to AA, and one of their principles was that alcoholics could reform and drink in moderation. Then the founder got drunk, got in her car, and killed a family. I'm just sayin'.
posted by adamrice at 4:19 PM on December 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

No offense to special-k, but I think his/her tips aren't really helpful. It's pretty clear that for you, getting plastered is the goal when you go out to "drink a few beers" and planning ahead in this fashion is not going to help, and is not going to address the fundamental issue of alcohol addiction.

Part of the problem is that it sounds like you don't *always* binge, which makes it seem like you can control it. But it may not always be this way, and in any case your drunken behavior, even if it is intermittent, is not exactly the sort of thing you should be getting involved in.

If getting in touch with your friends is so important, perhaps you can do it at a time when drinking would be fairly unlikely -- say Sunday morning at 11 am. Meet up for an activity that doesn't lend itself well to drinking lots, like jogging or playing basketball or something else relatively athletic (obviously, bowling does not count).
posted by Deathalicious at 4:20 PM on December 3, 2007

So, yeah, I have a problem. I know it. I don't really want to stop drinking. Scratch that. I can't bear the thought of having to quit drinking. I keep thinking that if I can just learn to ride the buzz after a few drinks then I'll be fine. So far, that hasn't been possible. As soon as I start drinking I have no off switch.

Yes, you have a problem: you're a fucking alcoholic. Your post reeks of the classic excuses given by addicts. You're ruining your life and the life of your girlfriend. With any luck she'll have the brains to get as far away from you and your selfish behavior as possible.

Moderation is NOT an option for people like you. You absolutely know that--it's obvious from your post.

Quit now, immediately, this instant, cold turkey, before you wake up 50, more fucked than you are now, surrounded by children and family who hate your guts and do their futile damnedest to avoid becoming like you.
posted by dobbs at 4:20 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Reaching out for advice here is a good place to start.

I would bet that these close friends would be 100% supportive of any initiative you take to stop, or moderate your drinking, and if they don't it's time to find new friends anyways.

This goes without saying, but alcohol can and will destroy your life if you let it. Sure, you're successful and busy now, but keep up this lifestyle and you could be holding a sign asking for spare change in 15 years.
posted by jazzman at 4:21 PM on December 3, 2007

you'd find time for a therapist if you really wanted to stop drinking, but you don't, so being busy is a good excuse. i'm sorry if that sounds cruel, but it is what it is.

if you're not willing to stop, then be man enough to let her go so she can get on with her life and find someone she doesn't have to worry about turning up dead in a ditch every weekend. again, sorry if it sounds harsh, but if you're going to take yourself down, don't take her with you.

is your drinking worth more to you than she is? maybe right now it is. only you can know that.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:23 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Having been in a relationship with a man who pretty much sounds exactly like you, I just want to say that if you're not ready to get your drinking to a level she is okay with (whether that means no booze at all, or just no crazy drunken disappearances), please please please just let her go. I've been through this whole song and dance, and it is hellish, emotionally-draining, and completely heart-breaking. Like you, my bf liked drinking and thought he could just moderate it. Since I enjoyed drinking myself, I didn't feel like I could just ask him to stop completely. So he "tried" to moderate his drinking... only beer tonight, no more than three drinks, leave before midnight, etc. But every time, he ended up completely wasted, no matter what, and it just ruined me and us, over and over and over, and I kept trying to deal with it because I loved him and wanted things to be okay. So many stupid, wasted nights of worrying and crying and feeling completely miserable and betrayed.

So, please, do not string her along, do not keep making promises and then breaking them, do not tell her what she wants to hear and then turn around and break her heart all over again. It is a shitty game to play, so don't put her through that. If you want to keep drinking, be honest about that. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you two really shouldn't be in a relationship anymore.
posted by kerfuffled at 4:30 PM on December 3, 2007 [5 favorites]

Choosing not to clean things up now is a clear choice to let things get a lot worse. You've got a nice fork in the road right now. Your choices from here on in won't be so pleasant.

I pride myself of being able to "work hard and play hard."
You know the drinking is easy, right? Choosing to quit now will be really hard work. How about that? Are you up to it? Think you can do it?
posted by cocoagirl at 4:33 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Moderation is an option ONLY if you can absolutely quite drinking after two or three drinks, and then switch to Diet Pepsi, no matter what your buddies say.

I have seen people in your situation who woke up and were able to do that. But if there is no off switch, you won't be able to.

I also had a friend who found himself not remembering what he did the night before, and therefore instructed himself to quit, cold turkey, end of story. He did it. He never touched another drop. He could go out with all his old buddies and stick with the Diet Pepsi. In other words, he avoided having to find the off switch by deciding never to flip the on switch. It can be done.

The only point of therapy and twelve-step is to bring you to exactly that same decision. So, you can just find the strength to make the decision by yourself (with your GF's support), or you can go into an AA program and/or therapy and have them help you get there.

All other options lead to: loss of GF, and eventually loss of job. Figure it out.
posted by beagle at 4:34 PM on December 3, 2007

Whether or not YOU can tolerate your drinking habits, your GIRLFRIEND cannot. The cost of drinking is losing your girlfriend. The cost of having your girlfriend is to moderate your drinking. Which is the higher cost to you? Keep in mind that the longer you lead this lifestyle, the less chance you'll have of getting a decent girlfriend who will put up with this stuff. You will tend to attract skanks and girls with a rescue complex that will drive you crazy.
posted by desjardins at 4:35 PM on December 3, 2007

Others have said it, and I'll say it, too.

No one becomes a catastrophic drunk overnight. They get on the train when they are young, and ride it until the end. I've seen it with several family members, and friends, and I see it with you.

At least you are honest enough to say you don't want to stop drinking. But it is very likely going to cost you at least your girlfriend, and probably more.

There is a point you will get to where you are no longer willing to pay the price to drink. But it may take quite a while and lots of lost friends, cars, money etc.. to get there.

I would urge you to stop drinking. But it's your life, and I'm a random jackass on the internets.

I'm not trying to be all down on you, but the magic 8-ball says "outlook not so good". I wish you luck, man.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 4:36 PM on December 3, 2007 [3 favorites]

By any reasonable definition you are an alcoholic and your drinking will continue, I would predict, if you seek only limited out patient treatment at this time. The predictable course is deteriorating intimate relationships, isolation from friends, increasing financial problems, job loss, severe health crises, and repeated unsuccessful attempts at sobriety.. This will be accompanied by increasing depression, anxiety and alcohol dependence and tolerance ( accompanied by self loathing/disgust/total denial). Following a visit to an ER for an alcohol related crisis, an intervention by friends, or a mandate from an employer you will end up in either an inpatient or residential program which may help.
If you want to salvage your health, girlfriend and life I would suggest you do the following ASAP:

Go to an AA meeting tomorrow and every night for 3 months.

See a psychiatrist who is Board Certified (or experienced) in addiction medicine. The odds are you have a concomitant mood or anxiety disorder which will respond very favorably to medication. There are also a variety of new medicines to help manage drinking. Do not dismiss the importance of this.

If your life is unimaginable without drinking and your drinking buddies (friends or strangers) your life is most likely already significantly unmanageable.

My very best wishes
posted by rmhsinc at 4:41 PM on December 3, 2007

1.Therapy. You're an adult but are willing to lose your girlfriend because you can't make an appointment? That should hurt your pride more. A real man, an adult, would step up.

2. Different AA groups are different. Some are very religioussy, some not. If you end up trying one, don't be turned off if the first one is quite religious. Try a few more near you.

3. Picture your life in ten years. Is part of that vision you with a stable partner, with kids who are happy and don't have a dad who routinely blacks out and parties with strangers? Some part of you has probably always thought this work-hard-play-hard thing was a phase of life that you would eventually grow out of. Now is the time to grow out of it. Again, your pride can help here.

4. With any addiction or even very strong habit, remember that you are choosing to give in. You are choosing to have the first drink of the night, even though you know -- you know -- how things will turn out. You have the power not to take the first drink -- it's your free choice, every time. This is not scolding. This means you can stop.

Be honest with yourself. You know that once you get going, you can't stop. Once you get going you can't stop. Think about it. You are choosing, with full knowledge, to do this thing. Once you get going you can't stop. Really acknowledge this. The only thing you can do is choose not to get going. You can make that choice every time. You really do have the personal will to make that choice, the smarter choice, not to get going in the first place. It's the hardest thing in the world, every time, to make that smarter choice -- and the only way to quit is to keep doing it, making the smarter choice each time. But then again, each time, it's just the one choice: just don't drink today. There's no magic bullet for this. It's just making that choice this time, in the present moment, again and again.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:46 PM on December 3, 2007 [5 favorites]

Get ready either to say goodbye to your girlfriend, or to welcome her staying in her new role as an enabler.

You've got a problem. I say this even though you know it, because . . .

"I guess I do have a drinking problem, yeah."

and

"So, yeah, I have a problem. I know it."

. . . are among the weakest admission of a problem ever.

You can't control your drinking. You get rides with strangers and end up passed out in strange places for hours. You admit it's getting worse. Your value system is so screwed up that you somehow find therapy a bigger blow to your ego than being known as the lush who passes out in people's yards for hours. Pride yourself on working hard and playing hard all you want, but you're now on the downward slope. Losing your girlfriend is just the second step. (The first, to my mind, was losing your dignity.)

I applaud the fact that you don't try to con us into believing that you're ready to change. But the fact of the matter is, you're NEVER going to be able to control your drinking in the situations you describe. The only recourse is not to drink at all, and if you can't manage that with your dear friends, it's time for new friends. But this advice will fall on deaf ears, since you acknowledge you're not even close to being there yet.

Kerfuffled's advice is excellent. Don't let your own illness and bad choices drag someone else down. Have at least that little bit of dignity. This sentence . . .

"Is that what's best for me? Probably not, and I know that."

. . . say it all. You're not making choices that are good for yourself; you're making bad choices to your own detriment. You're surely in no position to make someone else happy. So let the girl go.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 4:47 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Dude, you've got to make the classic choice of "Give it up or let me go."

And since the answers here are well considered and well stated, I'll just say this regarding your attitude of moderation; You're beyond it.

It's guys like you who die suddenly and sadly, in their prime, before they really had a chance to do great things. If that's ok with you, then perhaps trying a moderate approach is an acceptable risk.

It it were me, then no.
posted by SlyBevel at 4:50 PM on December 3, 2007

Also, don't exaggerate in your mind what AA meetings are like. "My idea of hell"? Why? It's just a group of people, from various walks of life, with a pot of cheap coffee and some folding chairs. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. Other people will talk; they'll talk about things that happened to them while drinking. Some will have stories that seem much worse than yours, but some of your stories would earn you some good points at meetings I've been to. It's just people telling stories for an hour or less. You can put up with this. It's free. It's interesting. You're free to take the stuff that works from it. It might help, why not give it a shot?
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:53 PM on December 3, 2007

I've been the girlfriend who temporarily lost a loving boyfriend because I was too self-absorbed with my own problems and didn't seek help for a long time. I thought I could do it myself. I was draining him. I lashed out on him and I lost him for two months. I sought therapy, and while it wasn't easy, it was necessary. I'm now doing a lot better, and I have my boy back.

Please, don't do this to your girlfriend. She is expending a LOT of energy on you, don't make yourself a waste of energy. I've been there, it SUCKS. Get therapy NOW. It's not inconvenient, they're usually open to working out a suitable time for you. Get into some sort of alcohol rehab. I lived in a college filled with alcoholics. This is typical alcoholism.

Please. Get help now.
posted by divabat at 4:54 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

You seem to be really adamant about dealing with this on your own, so I think you should tell your girlfriend and your friends that you are giving alcohol up for the next 6 months, just to see what life is like without it. You may find it hard but once you get past a certain point, who knows, you may not even miss it. If it works out and you don't find yourself fiending, perhaps you can reintroduce moderate alcohol consumption at a special occasion once/month or something like that. If that doesn't go well, quit again, but for good.

This is kind of random, but it seems like you enjoy the adventure that goes along with drinking with your buddies - staying out til the sun comes up, hanging out with strangers, having crazy stories to tell, ending up god-knows-where. This stuff is definitely exciting. Maybe you should take up a high-adrenaline activity like skydiving, scuba diving, or rock climbing/hiking to replace the kicks you get from your binge-drinking adventures.

Good luck.
posted by infinityjinx at 5:02 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I hope that some of the advice here is helpful, and I also hope that even asking the question here signifies more of a desire to change than some of your words do.

You have a disease. A fatal disease. Untreated, it will kill you. The treatment's a bitch, but you're a tough guy. There are, at least, multiple treatments available, and you have the resources to get them. Your girlfriend would like you to do something about it, because she knows it will kill you, and make her extraordinarily unhappy in the meantime. You don't have to struggle with it on your own - there are trained professionals, in your town even, along with support groups of survivors, or medications - that can help you with it. You don't have to keep living in the midst of your disease, but you do have to want to do something about it.
posted by gingerbeer at 5:05 PM on December 3, 2007

Pogo_Fuzzybutt has nailed it. I've been you, and what he says it 100% correct. You sound full of bravado so you will probably shed this girlfriend, maybe a couple more beyond that, a few jobs, maybe a few friends. Eventually you'll get that kick up the arse that failing health and no-longer-enjoyable-lifestyle delivers but from the swagger of your post it seems a long, long way away. It's hard to give something up when you feel you are getting away with it, and in that respect I feel for you and understand your predicament. Your lifestyle is clearly out of control but at the same time nobody is really being hurt, are they?

Most of what is said in this thread will wash over you, but hopefully some of it will ring true when the "time" comes. It sounds like your drinking means more than your current girlfriend, and that's fair enough for now - but you're on a very dangerous path. Good luck.
posted by fire&wings at 5:08 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Expanding on my original post, it's perfectly OK for you to drink yourself into a stupor every night of the week. It really is. It's your life, and you've gotta do with it whatever you see fit. You make the choices in your life, which makes it your responsibility. If you want to binge drink every night of the week and die before your 40th birthday, power to you. I wish you well with that.

However, you're in a relationship with someone. This could be parent, child, whatever. Which means you have a certain amount of responsibility to them, too. If you don't want to hurt that person, either a] change your life to stop them from being hurt (in so far as you changing is going to prevent that) or b] do them a favour & cut them out of your life.

Fucking yourself over is one thing. It's quite another to do it to someone else.
posted by Rabulah at 5:09 PM on December 3, 2007

The limiting factor here is, in the short term, not your capacity to drink. That limit comes later with liver problems and diabetes. Your limiting factor for the moment is cash.

So up the cost of your addiction.

A friend of mine puts aside an equivalent cost for every drink he buys for charity. This effectively doubles the cost of his drinking which leads him to cut down. He even has costs for drinks bought for him or offered at a party (I think it's 4$).

When he sat down and figured how much he was going to send off to charity (Child's Play), he was amazed at the amount. This has in turn made him more conscious of his drinking and more likely to turn down a drink or be happy with a few beers when previously he'd have a dozen.

This requires that you be true to yourself and the amounts that you end up owing. If you can't do that, then this won't work for you. But if you get your friends to accept this (tell them about the charity thing - they'll make you drink a bit "for the kids" but when those free beers add up, you'll be turning them down and they'll understand) and make it a point to not drink alone (no more going off with strangers), you can make a dent in your drinking.

There's even a role in here for your girlfriend - she can help with the accounting. Set up a Quicken-based tracking system so she can keep tabs on things. If you really trust her, she can hold the money, but I don't know if this is the best idea if you think (know) you may slip up. But then again, losing your girl and a hunk of cash may be the exact wake-up you need.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:09 PM on December 3, 2007 [3 favorites]

If you're not at the stage where you want to get help, then - sorry to be rude about this - you don't deserve to have her stick around. If you want to indulge your problem until you hit rock bottom or your liver fails, go ahead, but do the decent thing and tell her that you think it would be better if you both broke it off, so she doesn't waste her life on an alcoholic who cares about the bottle more than he cares about her.
posted by Dasein at 5:18 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I believe iamkimaim is referring to the Small Book, by Jack Trimpey.
posted by sanko at 5:26 PM on December 3, 2007

I'm going to spare you my own tale, and just be blunt:

Ya know what? It's time for you to quit being such a goddamned mealy-mouthed coward.

You either quit for your girlfriend, or you suck it up, let her go, and drink yourself to a slow death. Personally, I don't care what you choose, and I've known people who have come down on both sides of that fence -- but I'm awfully damn tired of hearing fence-sitters whine about how it isn't fair that they have to choose. Aw, poor baby. Even before I changed my own mind on such things, even "back in the day," I hated people like you.

Quit trying to have it both ways. You can't -- she's told you that, and everything else you've written is a pathetic attempt to avoid making a hard choice. So grow a spine, face your decision like an adult, and quit trying to drag her down with you. That's what you're doing, by the way -- trying to make her suffer for your sins.

Yeah, yeah, "but". But nothing. Make your choice and live with it. Make no mistake, this is a choice you're making. Right. Now.

Count yourself fucking lucky someone was in your life who could point out what's happening before you found yourself lying on a streetcorner wondering if those sirens are coming for you, or if they're going to pass by while your life pours out on the sidewalk. If that's how you want to end, fine by me, but when it happens don't start whining about how nobody told you this would happen.
posted by aramaic at 5:34 PM on December 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

If you have time to wander around for hours drinking with strangers, then you have time for therapy.
posted by happyturtle at 5:39 PM on December 3, 2007 [5 favorites]

At work and family functions, I'm always totally ok to go out and just have a drink or two. It's when I'm with my friends, where binging is acceptable, that I lose control. These aren't just drinking buddies. They are my dearest friends from way back...

That's something to latch onto, if these people really are your dearest friends. Tell them, now, when sober, that you need to cut down on your drinking hard, because otherwise you're going to lose your girl and it'll only get worse from there. You can control yourself when social pressure helps you out - so tell them, with no equivocation, that you really really need them to be that social pressure.

Might work. Might not. But you'll find out pretty quickly if they really are your dearest friends.
posted by flashboy at 5:40 PM on December 3, 2007

My grandmother's name was Konolia. She was a drunk, to put it bluntly. I loved being around her when she was sober and I hated to be around her when she'd been drinking.

When my mom discovered her in bed dead (the second near relative my mom got to walk in on, o joy) the autopsy showed she had a tumor that no one knew she had. But the real truth is that it was the drinking that killed her. In her early fifties. This was a woman who should have lived decades more-her own mother lived to be 94 and lived independently for all but one or so of those years.

You need to ask yourself what it is you are selfmedicating. I know that's what I was doing when I drank (I did my share of binge drinking when I was in college.) I had to quit drinking totally because of an ulcer. I found out I could have fun without alcohol. You can too.

Don't do it for your girlfriend. Do it for YOU.
posted by konolia at 5:44 PM on December 3, 2007

My girlfriend says that she's going to leave me at the end of the week if I don't attempt to seek help for my drinking problem. Now what?...I'm not having a good time until I've had about 4 beers. From there, I'm incapable of stopping. I drink and drink and drink until the sun comes up or we run out of booze.

Now what?

Stop drinking, now, or lose her and perhaps more.

Dawn? This is not healthy. When you are this gone you need to go cold turkey. I don't think it needs to be permanent (although there is a rather militant contingent who would disagree with me on that) but at the very least you need a month or two off to get your mind right. Do it for you. Do it for her. Do it for your relationship. Mostly, do it for you. Good luck. Your attitude about loving the binge is a bad sign though. If you can't change that you probably need to give it up for good if you want to survive.

If you really can't cope without your "medicine" I recommend something different but less physically damaging, like a big bag of weed. Don't get caught though.

(and Konolia is right about the self medicating - that is your long term issue though, right now you just need to stop for a little while to assess where you are.)
posted by caddis at 5:46 PM on December 3, 2007

I have a brother-in-law who is a recovering alcoholic. His choice was to continue alcoholism or die, as his liver had ceased to function properly. He's 31, by the way.

You say you can't stand the thought of quitting. Look at it this way: if you don't moderate your intake now, there's a more than good chance that in under a decade, you won't be able to have alcohol again, ever. Isn't it worth it to scale back (say, once a month to start with, then actually learn how to drink responsibly), so that you can look forward to that one glass of fine red wine, or that awesome new boutique beer you've never had before, sometime after you hit 40?

Get help, also. Alcoholism, like any substance addiction, is hard to kick by yourself. Consider also changing the focus of your social activities. Not the people - just the time you spend with them.
posted by ysabet at 5:47 PM on December 3, 2007

I don't feel AT ALL ready to just walk into an AA meeting ... that sounds like hell.

Just curious, what do you think is a greater hell, sitting on the couch at 2 a.m., not knowing if your boyfriend is alive or dead, again, or sitting in the back of a church basement listening to people get their shit together.

Just realize that by not getting help, you are explicitly saying that your discomfort with seeking help is more important to you than eliminating the reoccurring terror you are putting her through.

It's your call, but if you're going to make that decision, at least be aware of it.
posted by ochenk at 5:50 PM on December 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

People here are over reacting.

Are people commenting here from London? It seems that half that city does what you do more than once a week. Have these people spent much time in Ireland?

Should you be binging as you are now, no, not really, you should find ways to drink less. Try interleaving drinks with one alcoholic, one soft. It will slow your drinking. Work on having as much fun with less booze.

Also, remember, that in the next couple of years the nasty hangover will rear it's head if it hasn't already. For some of us hangovers don't start until your mid 20s. They don't really kick in until you're 30. But they will come.

Does your GF drink?
posted by sien at 5:52 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm not going to call you a drunk; I'm not going to tell you you've got a 'problem' or a 'disease'; I'm not going to tell you to go to AA or whatever. I'm going to say this:

You're faced with an either|or choice, but you want it both ways. You don't seem to have learnt yet that sometimes that's just not possible - that, quite often, the universe and the people and things in it won't rearrange themselves to suit what you want.

So, as you yourself explained, it boils down to this:
Keep the girlfriend, or keep drinking. Choose.
posted by Pinback at 5:52 PM on December 3, 2007

The prob with robocop's comment is that it attempts to solve a moral and social problem with an economic incentive. That doesn't work for most people. In fact, one can easily find a way around it by suffering economically to absolve moral and social guilt (ie. literally paying for the "cost" of alcoholism with $$). Anoymous' problem is way beyond this. Please don't fall into the trap!

A great example of how this substitution works (er, actually doesn't work) can be found here, in an excerpt from the book Freakonomics by Levitt and Dubner.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:59 PM on December 3, 2007

Sorry robocop, I didn't mean to say "the problem with your comment..." That was lazy writing, and rather rude. I didn't mean it to come off that way.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:01 PM on December 3, 2007

Are people commenting here from London? It seems that half that city does what you do more than once a week. Have these people spent much time in Ireland?

Yes, I am. No they don't. No, they don't either.

I entirely agree that Americans have a funny relationship with booze, and far too many of them seem ready to over-react and scream "you have a drinking problem" if you order more than one glass of wine with dinner. This isn't one of those times. Habitually pulling all-nighters with strangers in search of booze is nothing like British drinking culture, and is a fairly clear sign of Potential Big Trouble Ahead.
posted by flashboy at 6:04 PM on December 3, 2007

You know you should quit drinking, and you don't want to quit. That's actually normal for someone in your situation. Of course you don't want to quit.

You might decide to continue drinking -- and if you do, I hope you'll tell your girlfriend the truth about it, without excuses or waffling. Just, "I've thought about it, and I don't want to stop drinking. I don't want to go to counseling."

Addicts aren't good at relationships, because the drug is more important to them than anything else. If you can't quit alcohol, let your girlfriend go.
posted by wryly at 6:10 PM on December 3, 2007

Seconding the suggestion of Rational Recovery. It is a helpful book; it helped a relative of mine, whose bullshit meter is calibrated super high, to work out his own problem with binge drinking. It's not without fault, but it's a good alternative to support groups.

But you have to WANT to stop, for YOU. It can't be for anyone else. You may love your girlfriend very much, but if you do this for her you will resent her. And it won't work.

Alcoholism has much more to do with behavior problems than most people want to admit. People like to fall back on the disease model, to take the responsibility of stopping out of their hands. If you WANT to stop, for your OWN GOOD REASONS, you will find ways to do it. Recognizing what it is inside you that makes you drink is the first step.

Cutting back to drinking moderately works for some, but I'd recommend trying to cut it out completely, if you want to get control of it.
posted by Koko at 6:40 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Hey, it can't hurt for you to explore the issue, can it? You asked where to start (which is great). So here are some ideas:

1. Get a therapist in the evenings. They exist. You don't have to go in saying "I'm an alcoholic, help me quit drinking forever." You can go in saying "Friends of mine are concerned, so I'd like to talk about the issue." The therapist can then: A) Work with you on how you want to just "ride the buzz after a few drinks...so far, that hasn't been possible." Why hasn't that worked? What else could you try to make that work? Or is it truly not possible? B) Work with you on how "[you] just get it into [your] head that [you're] going to binge, and then [you] do so." Why do you decide? Could you decide to do something different? C) Discuss what you want to do about the concerns your girlfriend has. Quit? Drink in situations where it's safe? Find a girlfriend who doesn't mind? I'd encourage you to start this as soon as possible, knowing that it's going to take a while to really get anywhere with these discussions (and that your g'friend is at her wits' end already).

2. Tell your girlfriend exactly where you're at, so she can make an educated decision about whether she's willing to wait for the situation to change, or not. You don't see your drinking as quite the problem she does, and you should tell her that. In other words, don't mislead her as to the extent of your desire to change this. Encourage her to make a well-informed decision here. (For the alternative, see kerfuffled's comment).

Random semi-related anecdote. I once had a boyfriend quit drinking because I gave him an ultimatum. It sucked big-time: he still had all the underlying issues that made him want to drink, without the outlet of doing so. So he was angry and bitter a lot. Then he was mad at me for the ultimatum and blamed me for all the stress he felt. So, as much as people are saying "it's her or drinking, so just quit!" I'd say, even if you quit so she stays around, keep this a you vs. you issue and don't let it become a you vs. her issue. And realize that cold-turkey alone doesn't work for some people. The way drinking fits into people's lives is complex (like everything else). (Coincidentally, he was 28 at the time, too.)

3. Maybe have this same discussion with your long-time buddies. "What do YOU think about my drinking? Do you worry about me? Does my drinking ever make me do things that piss you off? I've been thinking I'd like to just ride the buzz, but it hasn't worked yet, can you tie me to my chair after three drinks so I don't keep drinking? Can you remind me not to go off with strangers?" Just get more information for yourself, and maybe their help for the future.
4. Try to hear other people's stories, particularly from people who ran into problems with alcohol (eg, at AA, or maybe on the internet). Just raise your awareness of how alcohol has fit in other people's lives. You can then use that to think about how it fits into your life. For example, maybe you'll learn red flags to avoid or act on ("what made the drinking turn bad for me was..." "I knew I needed to change when...").
5. There probably are blogs about alcohol moderation or drinking in a smart way or deciding how to deal with an alcohol problem. I got way smarter about my finances just by bookmarking six personal finance blogs and reading them every day; it was a pretty painless way to get myself consistently thinking about moving in the right direction. This alone probably won't help, but it can't hurt.

The choices aren't All vs. Nothing, so I'm glad to hear you're looking for ways to get started. There is a lot to be gained by at least exploring the issue. But since it's such an uphill battle, it's not going to sustain itself -- that's why you should try to build into your life things that will get you to revisit the issue on a regular basis (particularly a weekly therapy session). Since the "try not to binge" hasn't worked, and since "try harder" has never worked for anyone, you have to try something new. In my head, 1 & 2 are mandatory and 3-5 are just random other ideas that might help (but probably won't have a sustained influence if that's all you do). Best of luck.
posted by salvia at 6:43 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

You've described severe alcoholism. You're missing the key ingredient that could allow you to get better: you stated clearly and eloquently, at least three times, in the strongest possible terms, that you do not want to stop drinking.

You will be a severe alcoholic until this changes and you decide that you want to stop drinking, or until you die of alcoholism. Tell your girlfriend she's wasting her time with you (she is), encourage her to break up with you, and head back out to the bar. Don't spend any more time or effort on this thread, as that's wasted too.

Come back when you hit rock bottom and you want to make a change, and ask again. You'll get advice you can use.
posted by ikkyu2 at 6:51 PM on December 3, 2007 [5 favorites]

I was your age when I (more or less) quit for a year or two.

I suspect that what you're thinking about doing seems difficult and/or pointless. After all, you're not coming apart at the seams-- work is fine, your friends are still your friends, nothing bad has happened to you.

You should realize that life is a probabilistic exercise, though, and that you won't be able to do what you're doing without serious consequences forever. Shit catches up to you.

Find some joy outside the bottle. If your girl gives that to you, let her help you.
posted by Kwantsar at 6:53 PM on December 3, 2007

Wow, are you ever lucky. While you're killing yourself, poisoning your liver with alcohol, binge drinking so badly you pass out in random locations, end up with strangers, lose your judgment, you have people in your life who love you enough to try to get you to save your own life. Your girlfriend and your friends are there for you, maybe your family too.

If you keep drinking, you are likely to end up losing your girlfriend, your job, your friends, and eventually your life. AA has a bunch of annoying religious messages that you can accept or reject, but it can help you stop drinking.

You really, really like drinking. But you might really, really like being sober, and having a great life.
posted by theora55 at 7:11 PM on December 3, 2007

I promised myself that the next time I commented in an addiction related thread, I'd make mention of HBO's excellent Addiction series, and I'm sorry to have omitted it from my previous comment. It is a good resource for current thinking on addiction physiology and treatment, although it is heavily based on the disease theory of addiction.

You might want to watch the 9 minute episode "Topiramate: A Clinical Trial for Alcoholism" for information on a new drug for treating alcoholism, and "Steamfitters Local Union 638" for a discussion of an effective union operated rehab and follow up program for returning alcoholics to work, with a very good success rate. In contrast to ikkyu2's comment, the repeated message of medical personnel contributing to this series is that it is not necessary, or even advisable, that a person "hit bottom" before seeking treatment for addiction.

IANAD or an alcoholic, and all I know about addiction is what I learned on TV, at AlAnon (which you can recommend to your girl friend), and by cleaning up after drunks.
posted by paulsc at 7:13 PM on December 3, 2007

MetaTalk.
posted by fandango_matt at 7:18 PM on December 3, 2007

[a few comments removed - answers that mainly berate the OP will be removed. Be cool, be helpful.]
posted by jessamyn at 7:19 PM on December 3, 2007

My girlfriend says that she's going to leave me at the end of the week if I don't attempt to seek help for my drinking problem. Now what?

Now you seek help for your drinking problem.

God go with you, friend.
posted by waxbanks at 7:38 PM on December 3, 2007

SMART Recovery might be something for you to look into.

Moderation ideas include:

Leaving payment methods at home above and beyond what you plan to spend on alcohol.

Using a time-based system for when you can obtain another drink.

Only drinking after a certain hour of the evening.

But I think you'll have to break your tolerance way, way down first. Commit to your girl that you'll do a week on, and a week off, then two weeks off one week on, then three. The less you drink, the less you need to ingest to enjoy it, the healthier you'll be and the less dependent. I don't think you're a pathetic loser for having an addiction. Especially a fun one. But you need to be able to stop for any given period of time someone might challenge you to stop for. And you'll get some precious perspective once you do.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:57 PM on December 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

SMART has online meetings. Why not commit to these, as a learning experience, with your gf by your side?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:08 PM on December 3, 2007

Dear anonymous, Why not try an AA meeting? I'm sure you don't want to think you have a problem but all signs point to that. I really wish you luck. I hope you don't have to hit bottom. I hope you can find some way to face your fears, whatever grief you're seeking to escape, anxieties, terrors even. I believe that's what's really going on. You're terribly wounded and have found a way to escape, have fun, forget.

But life is telling you to stop. Turn around. Look within.

It's right to be humbled in a situation like this. You have someone who loves you who fears for you, who can see clearly the harm you are doing and cares enough about you to walk away. She may feel she's already lost you, or the promise of who you could have been, to alcohol.

Being good at your work is great.

But being a man. That's another thing.

It won't be easy, but do get help. Try an AA meeting. That may be better than counseling. If you go down that road (AA) you will meet many people just like yourself. Once proud, once cocky, once blind to the hell they were creating for themselves and others.

No one can tell you how to do what you have to do now. You're alone. You might have good intentions today, falter tomorrow. That's normal and OK. The point is to just keep trying. The goal will become clearer with time. You have, I hope, a long life ahead in which to grow.
posted by pammo at 8:13 PM on December 3, 2007

Years back I worked at a deli with a man who dangerous service in Vietnam had given a reason to drink hard. His wife told him to give up the drink, or give up the ring. He chose her, and it was hard for them both, but he's a much happier man now than he was then.

Choosing the bottle mixes regret into the cocktail, and gives you a much worse hangover in the end.
posted by breezeway at 8:16 PM on December 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

Wow, this sounds familiar. Blacking out. People worrying about my drinking. Doing crazy shit with strangers. Not being able to envision living sober. Thinking that life without alcohol would be just one drag after another. People walking away from me because of my drinking. But I didn't have a problem because I had a girl friend, a nice paying job, and a handsome jawline....

I have been in your position. I have been you. I have made those rationalizations. I have been given those ultimatums. But you know what? In 28 days I will have 1 year sober. That's the longest I will have been sober since I was 13. I am 28. That's 15 years of using, drinking, binges, overdoses. And you know what else? I have never been happier. Sure I miss drinking once and a while, but it's not worth losing people I love. Losing my dignity. Losing my health. Losing my mind.

Friend, you are living insanity. You think you sober up between binges. You think you have things clearly laid out. You think that it makes sense. I would bet my life that you don't. You rationalize, you manipulate, you hide and you lie.

The fact is, you think you have healthy relationships with your friends and maybe even your girl friend, despite her reservations about your drinking. But really, when it comes down to it, as an addict it is pretty much impossible to have a healthy relationship. It might look like you have one; you might be able to fake it for a while; but it is almost impossible for you to have one because the addict is always protecting the addiction: the addiction is always wedged between the relationship. The addict protects the addiction, and cares about it more than the ones he "loves."

This is what is happening. This is what you are letting alcohol do. Your girl friend is calling you on it. She sees it. You pretend it's not there. And friend, this is just the beginning. She will walk away, eventually, because what sort of relationship is it, truly, when you wedge the addiction into the middle of it? It will happen with your friends next. And then you will be left with the addiction.

The sad thing is, you might know all this deep down. Part of you is probably screaming to stop drinking. But the alcohol is so seducing. It's got you. You don't want to admit it yet. It's just fun and games right? You're just going to the show to have a good time. It's all been said my friend. By you. By me. By pretty much every addict out there.

My advice. If you love your girl friend, go to her. Say, "I am not sure I can quit drinking. I am not sure I want to quit drinking. But I am willing to put it down for 90 days. Can you help me stay sober that long?"

Quit drinking for 90 days. 3 months. Not that much. Rethink things through then.
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 8:44 PM on December 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

Frankly? I was once your girlfriend. And I left you. And you didn't stop drinking. My life is better now. Yours is much, much worse.

Life isn't a game. It's short. Your drinking will quite possibly make it much shorter. I've seen it happen to more than a few people I cared about. Maybe you're okay with a future where the people who love you look back in your absence and remember you as a tragedy. And if so, don't make any changes. It's entirely up to you and you're a grown up. Just don't blame others if they don't want to see it happen. You only have control of your own actions, and your girlfriend only has control of hers. Some people are masochistic, but don't expect everyone to be. You are making your own choices, and they're doing the same.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:03 PM on December 3, 2007 [3 favorites]

Your girlfriend is going to leave you, and you aren't going to quit drinking yet. Some day you'll bottom out or get desperate enough to stop.
posted by BrotherCaine at 9:08 PM on December 3, 2007

Speaking as the grandchild of three alcoholics and two parents who have spent large potions of their adult lives wrestling with fall-out, let me say this:

It's great if your girlfriend's ultimatum has stirred you to action, but whatever you decide to do HAS to be for you. You have to accept who you are and what you're doing and how that affects your life over the long term. Boyfriends, girlfiends, husbands and wife--these come and, regrettably, go. At the end of the day (or the night as the case may be), it's your face in the mirror and your life you have to go on living. The fact that you are still as young as you are and can acknowledge, even anonymously, in a public forum that you have concerns about your lifestyle indicates that you have the presence of mind to at least think about the problem. It's a small step, sure, but a good one.

Echoing almost everyone else in this thread, I do think you should seek help in some capacity. Maybe AA. If AA isn't your bag, then something else. If you have the ability, I strongly suggest looking into a good counselor or therapist.

Things will change. Your girlfiend may leave you. Your work may begin to suffer. No matter their current enthusiasm for benders, it's entirely possible your friends will cut back, or stop drinking all together. That your level of drinking could start to alienate everyone you know.

I've seen a 50 year old man passed out in an alcholic coma on his living room floor after a weekend of binge drinking alone. I've seen a 70 year old woman nearly die of DTs in ICU. And I've watched a lifelong drinker lose two wives to divorce, embarass his children, and bankrupt himself twice in the process before finally dying of liver failure. These were successful people. Good at their jobs. In possession of great friends and all the right credentials. People who would never admit to having a drinking problem. People who died because they wouldn't.

Look, I don't know you. but believe you can change. You can stop. You can find help. And, trite as it may sound, you are not alone.
posted by thivaia at 9:11 PM on December 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

My girlfriend says that she's going to leave me at the end of the week if I don't attempt to seek help for my drinking problem. Now what?

Wow. I read all the rest of your post, but this is the only part that was really necessary in order to answer. It seems like your choices are pretty obviously laid out for you. Either you suck it up and get some help with your drinking problem, or you kiss your girlfriend goodbye.

My advice would be to get help. But, judging from the rest of your post, you seem to like drinking a lot more than you like your girlfriend, and you don't seem to want to change. I'm not entirely sure what you were looking for by posting this question.

Good luck. I know what choice I would make.
posted by number9dream at 9:19 PM on December 3, 2007

Frankly? I was once your girlfriend. And I left you. And you didn't stop drinking. My life is better now. Yours is much, much worse.

I was going to post something very similar. Only in my case after I left, and some months later the drinking and drugs caught up to him. He was two and a half years younger than the OP.

Anon, If you don't want to quit just let her go. Seriously. Even now if someone is late I start pacing the floors because it just brings back that feeling of waiting for him, wondering where he was, and wondering if that was the night a cop would knock on the door and tell me he was dead. I'm just now starting to be OK when I see a cop on my street, instead of instantly going into panic mode because for years I always thought they were on the way to tell me he was dead or in the hospital. I've basically got the rest of my life to deal with the mental issues I developed first apologizing for, then covering up for, and always worrying about, an addict. You're throwing life away, sure, but why drag someone else with you?

Right now you have someone who cares about you. Cares enough to stick around through multiple nights of the utter shit and living hell you put her through. Most people wouldn't.
She leaves, and the next will most likely be someone just as fucked up as you are, maybe more, who will join you in drinking, encourage it, and help you along the path to destruction. Is that who you see yourself with in ten years?

You know you have a problem. You also know you have the ability to moderate your drinking when the situiation calls for it. Well, the situiation is your fucking life, and it calls for it. Quit now. You will only get worse, but if you quit now it'll be a lot easier than waiting for the days you get sloshed even at work functions. For god's sake, you pass out on people's lawns! Even the alcoholic hobos in my neighborhood can make it to the homeless shelter. Is that the person you really want to be?
posted by Kellydamnit at 9:25 PM on December 3, 2007 [9 favorites]

One more thing... ex-boyfriend aside, just today I was remembering someone I used to know named Chris and the major life lesson I learned from him. Unfortunately, I learned that lesson at his expense and in his absence. And the lesson I learned from him was the hardest and saddest one of my entire journey into adulthood. But it has really stuck with me and it snapped some sense into me that I will never lose.

Chris was the roommate and best friend of a dear friend of mine from college that I'm still friends with. They lived next door to my mother so I used to spend a lot of time visiting them and partying together. Chris was a sweet guy. Even though his roommate was my friend, when I'd call the house he'd always try to keep me on the phone for hours. But then in his early 30s, my friend decided he didn't want to drink anymore, that it wasn't making him feel good. And Chris got upset. He felt abandoned as gradually the people around him began to grow up and have other priorities. Chris started finding new friends who were younger, and never gave up trying to get his old friends to go back to their old ways.

I used to laugh at him, thinking he was just going through a phase. I used to joke that someday our kids would play together and we'd laugh about his declaration to stay drunk forever. When I met him, he was a gorgeous young 18 year old. At 32, I playfully teased him and asked if he was trying to work towards a future career as a Meat Loaf impersonator. He just looked AWFUL. Bloated, lathargic, unhealthy. Gradually, after realizing he couldn't change his friends, he stopped returning their calls. He said people weren't fun anymore.

One morning he was found dead in the alley behind his apartment. He'd had a heart attack while taking out the garbage. The coroner said his death was alcohol induced, and that his body just couldn't take the way he was living. He was 33.

The lesson I learned from him was one of the biggest of my life. It was the first time I realized that sometimes people's bad habits aren't phases. Sometimes they really aren't cute or funny. Sometimes they really are dangerous. And unfortunately, some people's lives are just meant to be tragedies. If they don't want to change, you can't make them. It sucks and it's sad. But sometimes life sucks and is sad.

All I can say is, I hope you don't teach that lesson to the people in your life who love you. And if you think it's impossible for you to end up like Chris, you're wrong.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:34 PM on December 3, 2007 [7 favorites]

that's an apt story, miss lynnster - I just want to quibble with the last thing you say:
some people's lives are just meant to be tragedies

OP, don't start thinking that way. There is nothing inevitable about what happens next. You can choose what happens next.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:56 PM on December 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

You know, if the guy can choose to just have one or two with family, but doesn't choose to do that with friends, he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't have any chemical imbalance or anything, or it wouldn't matter who he was with. Therefore, I think AA or the like would be a bit of overkill, because they're going to make you believe you're really an alcoholic who can't control themselves, at any time. This isn't your case.

Just stop. If you can choose to not overdo it with family, you can choose to not do it with friends. Perhaps your friends will help you with this, perhaps not, but it's up to you, because you know you can choose to behave, and this isn't a luxury a true alcoholic has.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 10:15 PM on December 3, 2007

I can only speak for myself. I can only share experiences. I can't tell anyone else what to do. I didn't have a drinking problem so much as I had a thinking problem. Drink, or think. Don't drink and think.

In 1993 I spent nearly a month in an alcohol rehabilitation center. Waking after my first night in the treatment center was worse than a hangover. Through the night, the nursing staff fed me 15 tabs of Serax, an anti-withdrawal medication. When morning arrived, I was toast. My wildest drunk couldn't touch the level of inebriation from mass dose Oxazepam. After two days, I finally had to tell the psych doc, "Listen, I came here to get straight, not turned into Jello." With that, my recovery began.

The third evening in the treatment center, I attended my first AA meeting. They told stories of giving up babies, living on the streets, physical abuse, broken homes, selling possessions, selling themselves, losing jobs, losing lives. Gee, I thought, is this what recovery is all about? Sitting around talking about all the horrible things alcoholism does to you? I was a high-bottom drunk. Few of those inevitabilities found their way into my cocoon, yet.

With thousands of meetings under my belt, I now know that first one was atypical. But, in hindsight, it was probably just what I needed to hear. Yeah, I hadn't hit rock bottom yet, but I sure got a taste of what was waiting if I continued to drink. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, in fact, it doesn't stop just because it's in remission. Were I to begin drinking again today, within a matter of weeks I would be right back where I was, only years more advanced.

That was the first few days in rehab. This is the story of the end. I was in treatment for four weeks, the last day was, without question, the most important. I am convinced to this day the events that occurred on April 12, 1993 are a huge reason I am still sober now.

Staying sober in a treatment center really isn't that difficult, if it's what you want. There are support staff with you round the clock to keep an eye out. The doors aren't really locked, but they are. You are kept busy. Early wake up call; shower and breakfast; first morning group counseling session. They want to keep you on a rigid schedule saying it helps on the outside.

I learned a lot during that month in rehab, but I was taken care of. They fed us; they had regular, structured therapy; 12 step program participation; recreational activities to motivate physical health — all with the goal of preparing you for living life sober back in the cruel real world. The medical physicians taught us of the disease concept of alcoholism. They drummed it in ... I even bought into it. Coming to grips with why I had been unable to stop drinking was easier to accept as a sickness, rather than a matter of personal moral bankruptcy.

That last day began just like all the rest, but it quickly changed as we were sitting around the breakfast table. The 74 year old lawyer who had been with us the past four days in a detox bed had left against medical advice in the middle of the night. The morning paper said this former president of the state bar association had put a shotgun to his face and pulled the trigger. Lest there be any doubt about it, alcoholism is a terminal disease. If you don't kill yourself slowly through liver or other organ failure, the utter helplessness of the condition will cause desperate acts.

As we tried to pull ourselves together, the 69 year old former publisher of the city newspaper, the geezer with the wet brain, was wandering the halls looking for his shoes. "You mean the ones on your feet?", the nurse asked, as he looked sheepishly confused at the rest of us. He was on his way to the dinner party at the former governor's mansion, at 8 o'clock in the morning — at least in his mind. Make no mistake, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Over time, it rips every fiber of sanity from the most lucid of individuals.

At 9:00AM group, this new guy, a fellow the same age as me, suddenly lurched forward and fell to the floor. His body began shaking violently as his eyes rolled back in his head. A withdrawal seizure, right there in the middle of the floor in the center of our group circle. Twenty minutes later the medical staff finally had him semi-alert and sitting up in a chair. This adventure would be repeated twice more by the same fellow on the same day. It isn't a pretty sight. Alcoholism is a painful physical addiction every bit as powerful as the strongest narcotic.

Later that evening, during outside visitation hour, the beautiful wife of one of our three week patients stopped in to say hi. This girl was drop-dead gorgeous ... except when she smiled. You see, she had no front teeth — a gift from her abusive alcoholic husband who slammed his fist into her face during a drunken rage one night, because he said, "you're too sexy." That she was. Curves like fine geometry, eyes that mesmerized, and a toothless grin. Alcoholism is a family disease. It hurts the ones we love the most. Are you beginning to get the picture? I sure did. It isn't a game.

That night, as I lay in my plywood frame bed for the final time, I thought back to all the events of that last day — and I cried. I was scared breathless. I didn't want to become like any of those other alcoholics, and ... they were making me leave in the morning. Sending me out into real life with "little more" than I entered rehab, or so it seemed. I prayed as I slowly drifted off to sleep. That "little more" would be my hope; that I had seen on this day everything I would become if I didn't begin living life on life's terms without alcohol.

They make a big deal when someone graduates from the treatment center. At 9:00 group they gave me a big copper coin to carry in my pocket. To me, it meant I had actually finished something I started. They go around the circle and everyone shares what your participation has meant to them. All the patients and staff give you big hugs and tears flow freely. Then they send you out the door, alone, without supervision. Oh, and they hand you the bill. Mine was $13,400.

Fortunately my insurance paid about $10,000 but I spent the next three years clearing the rest. Every month when I wrote the check to the hospital it was another good reminder. There would be punishing financial consequences in addition to everything else, if I didn't work hard to make staying sober my number one priority. It's the little tools and remembrances of what it was like that motivate me today. I can't ever forget my last drunk.

As I left the hospital with trepidation to begin my second life, my wife was waiting at the front door. On the drive home she told me she had moved back into our house. She had spent the previous four weeks repainting and cleaning up all the dirty memories and wreckage of the past. When we got there, everything looked beautiful. There was a big Welcome Home sign on the front porch. Our good friends were waiting with huge smiles and grand hugs. We had a great celebration and I drank iced tea. It never tasted better.

I fell in love with life all over again that day. And, I knew I couldn't do everything by myself. I continued to seek help, advice, and good counsel. They were there when I had to sit on my hands to stop the hurting. They were there to push me out the door every single night to meetings. I am still sober today in large part because of their willingness to help me. They understood completely that I wasn't a bad person trying to get good, instead, I was a sick person trying to get well. After 14 years, I still get a little bit better every single day.
posted by netbros at 10:22 PM on December 3, 2007 [86 favorites]

If you truly care for your girlfriend and your relationship with her you should at least go see your doctor and take it from there. We can't know your life, and you know that.

Boozehounds come in all genders and sexes, so if you want to keep partying, I'm sure there's a barfly somewhere that would be happy to have you. Whether or not you'd be happy to have her is entirely another question.
posted by Salmonberry at 10:32 PM on December 3, 2007