How late is too late?
March 2, 2022 7:54 PM Subscribe
I’m entering my mid twenties with not much to brag about or look forward to. Looking for advice on how to build a meaningful life when one has lost most of their youth to abuse and disability.
Hey there Mefites,
I’m about to turn a quarter century old (insert sad party popper noise here), and I’m honestly having a hard time continuing onwards, as I come to the realization of how far behind I am.
Basically, most of my high school years were lost to PTSD from living under an abusive parent, and from learning disabilities my family neglected (dyscalculia and ADHD, which I was recently diagnosed with professionally). I had basically no social supports or friends, and since I was deeply closeted I also never pursued any serious romantic relationships. The only thing I can truly give myself credit for is that a few years ago I made the push to escape my abusive home, and after that my Mother did as well. I’ve developed a small side business over these years and worked here and there, but in general I feel I am really nowhere near where I should be, and I’m just trying to keep my head above water at this point. I’m exhausted from having to catch up after years of neglect, and looking for stories of how I can seek more while being “past my prime” as a woman in society’s eyes.
I until recently I was feeling happy that I was nearing completion of my undergraduate studies, and that my GPA was actually quite good, but my school hasn’t been great on accommodations for my disability, and as such my average has tanked to mediocre due to struggling with the higher level statistics classes I have to take (I’m in a soft science, not STEM). 2x to this because the grading TAs in one class often contradict the formulae in the textbook (I double checked this with a tutor, and even they were stumped by my curriculum), so I have no idea what’s going on. I’m barely passing these subjects. It makes me feel like I chose the wrong path, but I don’t have the financial resources to go into further studies after this, so I’m going to be facing the uphill battle of trying to get hired and build a career with a mediocre GPA and resume.
I’m losing my drive to finish at all, and I don’t have any close friends who can support me while I push through. I’m mostly the “shoulder to cry on” friend. I’ve followed all the advice from counselling I can to build a social safety net for myself (putting myself out there, hosting hobby groups, giving freely, and volunteering), but it’s mostly just led to one-way street friendships, sadly. People often only reach out to ask for something. My older sibling is the golden child success story (the kind of career people literally say “wow” at), so there’s nowhere for me to turn to for advice or support there, either. It seems like everyone I talk to basically tells me it’s too late or I’ve messed it all up.
I’m essentially looking at having to accept that I’m going to have to go back to working retail until I die, as my side business (Etsy sales/graphic design projects) is enough for daily spending but not for savings or anything beyond scraping by. I feel I have done my best and worked my hardest, and it’s falling through my fingers. I have no career in sight, no romantic or platonic love, and I’m starting to get crow’s feet, yay! I want more than this, but I’m long past the milestone achievements/experiences that most have by now, and it’s very isolating.
If you have been in a similar place to me, and got out of it, what made you realize “it’s not too late”?
I’d especially value the perspectives of fellow gay women, and fellow late bloomers/childhood shut-ins. Please hope me, if you can, and my apologies for the rambling.
P.s. before it’s suggested, yes I am in therapy, through due to financial reasons it’s less often than I’d like.
Hey there Mefites,
I’m about to turn a quarter century old (insert sad party popper noise here), and I’m honestly having a hard time continuing onwards, as I come to the realization of how far behind I am.
Basically, most of my high school years were lost to PTSD from living under an abusive parent, and from learning disabilities my family neglected (dyscalculia and ADHD, which I was recently diagnosed with professionally). I had basically no social supports or friends, and since I was deeply closeted I also never pursued any serious romantic relationships. The only thing I can truly give myself credit for is that a few years ago I made the push to escape my abusive home, and after that my Mother did as well. I’ve developed a small side business over these years and worked here and there, but in general I feel I am really nowhere near where I should be, and I’m just trying to keep my head above water at this point. I’m exhausted from having to catch up after years of neglect, and looking for stories of how I can seek more while being “past my prime” as a woman in society’s eyes.
I until recently I was feeling happy that I was nearing completion of my undergraduate studies, and that my GPA was actually quite good, but my school hasn’t been great on accommodations for my disability, and as such my average has tanked to mediocre due to struggling with the higher level statistics classes I have to take (I’m in a soft science, not STEM). 2x to this because the grading TAs in one class often contradict the formulae in the textbook (I double checked this with a tutor, and even they were stumped by my curriculum), so I have no idea what’s going on. I’m barely passing these subjects. It makes me feel like I chose the wrong path, but I don’t have the financial resources to go into further studies after this, so I’m going to be facing the uphill battle of trying to get hired and build a career with a mediocre GPA and resume.
I’m losing my drive to finish at all, and I don’t have any close friends who can support me while I push through. I’m mostly the “shoulder to cry on” friend. I’ve followed all the advice from counselling I can to build a social safety net for myself (putting myself out there, hosting hobby groups, giving freely, and volunteering), but it’s mostly just led to one-way street friendships, sadly. People often only reach out to ask for something. My older sibling is the golden child success story (the kind of career people literally say “wow” at), so there’s nowhere for me to turn to for advice or support there, either. It seems like everyone I talk to basically tells me it’s too late or I’ve messed it all up.
I’m essentially looking at having to accept that I’m going to have to go back to working retail until I die, as my side business (Etsy sales/graphic design projects) is enough for daily spending but not for savings or anything beyond scraping by. I feel I have done my best and worked my hardest, and it’s falling through my fingers. I have no career in sight, no romantic or platonic love, and I’m starting to get crow’s feet, yay! I want more than this, but I’m long past the milestone achievements/experiences that most have by now, and it’s very isolating.
If you have been in a similar place to me, and got out of it, what made you realize “it’s not too late”?
I’d especially value the perspectives of fellow gay women, and fellow late bloomers/childhood shut-ins. Please hope me, if you can, and my apologies for the rambling.
P.s. before it’s suggested, yes I am in therapy, through due to financial reasons it’s less often than I’d like.
…but in general I feel I am really nowhere near where I should be,
This advice is mostly speaking to that one line. When you’re first taking charge of your life, at about age 20, you usually have some sort of vision of what you hope to be when you're an adult (let's say at 30). You get to 25, you're halfway there in numbers but it hits you that you're nowhere near halfway towards your personal or financial goals. It's hard not to panic but two things to keep in mind are A) life is not a ballistic trajectory and B) the viewpoint of your 20 year old self was very limited…there have been hills and corners you could never have seen around. By that, I mean you're still developing the tools to judge your progress in life and it's a lot more complicated that your 20 year old self was able to imagine, so sticking to that schedule isn’t a good idea.
Lot's of people in their mid 20s will fall into despair and are prone to making rash life choices, trying to get ‘caught up’. Please don't do this. Go easy on yourself. Take this beat to enjoy what you've accomplished. Your 20s are tough. It's a time when employment, social networks and emotional connections can very chaotic, fragile and exhausting. These are especially tough times to be going through it. If at the moment you're only making enough to get by, so be it. Enjoy that as much as you can.
posted by brachiopod at 9:15 PM on March 2, 2022 [29 favorites]
This advice is mostly speaking to that one line. When you’re first taking charge of your life, at about age 20, you usually have some sort of vision of what you hope to be when you're an adult (let's say at 30). You get to 25, you're halfway there in numbers but it hits you that you're nowhere near halfway towards your personal or financial goals. It's hard not to panic but two things to keep in mind are A) life is not a ballistic trajectory and B) the viewpoint of your 20 year old self was very limited…there have been hills and corners you could never have seen around. By that, I mean you're still developing the tools to judge your progress in life and it's a lot more complicated that your 20 year old self was able to imagine, so sticking to that schedule isn’t a good idea.
Lot's of people in their mid 20s will fall into despair and are prone to making rash life choices, trying to get ‘caught up’. Please don't do this. Go easy on yourself. Take this beat to enjoy what you've accomplished. Your 20s are tough. It's a time when employment, social networks and emotional connections can very chaotic, fragile and exhausting. These are especially tough times to be going through it. If at the moment you're only making enough to get by, so be it. Enjoy that as much as you can.
posted by brachiopod at 9:15 PM on March 2, 2022 [29 favorites]
What do you call the last person in their class in med school? Doctor.
Finishing with a low GPA will still give you a resume bullet-point. Maybe we're in different employment pools, but I can't remember the last time anyone asked me about a GPA. It definitely wasn't on my resume for any of my post-academic jobs.
There are some stories that aren't mine to tell, but I know plenty of people like you in various ways (including my wife and I) who are doing really well in our late 30s despite 20s that did not go the way "society" says it should have at all. "It gets better" is sort of shit advice, but it really does get better, if our experience as weirdos in our 20s was any guide. Feel free to memail me if you want to commiserate with some folks who were there 15 years ago, and turned out okay.
posted by Alterscape at 9:20 PM on March 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
Finishing with a low GPA will still give you a resume bullet-point. Maybe we're in different employment pools, but I can't remember the last time anyone asked me about a GPA. It definitely wasn't on my resume for any of my post-academic jobs.
There are some stories that aren't mine to tell, but I know plenty of people like you in various ways (including my wife and I) who are doing really well in our late 30s despite 20s that did not go the way "society" says it should have at all. "It gets better" is sort of shit advice, but it really does get better, if our experience as weirdos in our 20s was any guide. Feel free to memail me if you want to commiserate with some folks who were there 15 years ago, and turned out okay.
posted by Alterscape at 9:20 PM on March 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
I'm a late bloomer in the ways you specify, a little less than a decade older than you. I want to make three points:
1. You are so so so so young. You're only "past your prime" if you're a gymnast. If you're past your prime, the rest of us (so, the majority of living humans) are basically dead. That's just not a helpful or accurate way to think. You know that oft-cited fact about how our brains don't fully mature until around age 25? You're just barely fully-grown, in a sense.
2. You're not behind for your age. You're a totally normal person. I suspect a lot of this feeling comes from being a slightly-older-than-average college student. The academic environment strongly emphasizes achievement, narrowly construed, and comparisons between people. Once you graduate, you will quickly see how little all of that matters, including grades. Starting your own company is absolutely something to be proud of, and the skills you have gained will be useful in finding a job. Marketing might be a good fit for you.
On the romance front, I think it's not unusual for queer people to be late bloomers. Besides, one of the hallmarks of queerness is that we write our own rules. Be wary of thinking of romance as a milestone or a box to check, as that framing will not set you up well for a happy relationship. In my observation, an early start with romantic experiences has zero relation to one's romantic happiness. Emotional skills are much more important.
Developmentally, our 20s, especially the first half, are all about fully breaking away from our childhoods and forming a foundation for the rest of our lives. You're doing great! You have overcome some big challenges.
3. Moving beyond the question of whether you are or are not "behind," you will be happier if you if internalize the truth that that isn't even a meaningful concept. There isn't one correct path through life, and the purpose of life isn't to achieve things. Many high-achievers remain unhappy because they constantly compare themselves to people they see as more successful (there will always be someone more successful). I don't want to be grim, but as you get older, you will see people around you go through very difficult experiences, and you'll be grateful for a peaceful life without trouble.
posted by Comet Bug at 10:05 PM on March 2, 2022 [28 favorites]
1. You are so so so so young. You're only "past your prime" if you're a gymnast. If you're past your prime, the rest of us (so, the majority of living humans) are basically dead. That's just not a helpful or accurate way to think. You know that oft-cited fact about how our brains don't fully mature until around age 25? You're just barely fully-grown, in a sense.
2. You're not behind for your age. You're a totally normal person. I suspect a lot of this feeling comes from being a slightly-older-than-average college student. The academic environment strongly emphasizes achievement, narrowly construed, and comparisons between people. Once you graduate, you will quickly see how little all of that matters, including grades. Starting your own company is absolutely something to be proud of, and the skills you have gained will be useful in finding a job. Marketing might be a good fit for you.
On the romance front, I think it's not unusual for queer people to be late bloomers. Besides, one of the hallmarks of queerness is that we write our own rules. Be wary of thinking of romance as a milestone or a box to check, as that framing will not set you up well for a happy relationship. In my observation, an early start with romantic experiences has zero relation to one's romantic happiness. Emotional skills are much more important.
Developmentally, our 20s, especially the first half, are all about fully breaking away from our childhoods and forming a foundation for the rest of our lives. You're doing great! You have overcome some big challenges.
3. Moving beyond the question of whether you are or are not "behind," you will be happier if you if internalize the truth that that isn't even a meaningful concept. There isn't one correct path through life, and the purpose of life isn't to achieve things. Many high-achievers remain unhappy because they constantly compare themselves to people they see as more successful (there will always be someone more successful). I don't want to be grim, but as you get older, you will see people around you go through very difficult experiences, and you'll be grateful for a peaceful life without trouble.
posted by Comet Bug at 10:05 PM on March 2, 2022 [28 favorites]
I take issue with 25 being somehow ‘past prime.’ I’m 20 years older than you and feel as if I’m just hitting my prime, professionally.
posted by Doc_Sock at 10:14 PM on March 2, 2022 [27 favorites]
posted by Doc_Sock at 10:14 PM on March 2, 2022 [27 favorites]
I come from an abusive family and I married a dickhead. I have ADHD and Autism (long undiagnosed) along with poor sight, clumsiness, a lack of social abilities, inability to drive, anxiety and depression. I divorced the dickhead in my 40s, got diagnosed and medicated, and started living my life for me.
I got better at my job and more assertive so I was paid more. Mobile phones made getting lost difficult so I travelled and I had the $ and freedom to do it. I started walking and became so fit that on my 48th birthday, I walked 37km.
I can only live in the moment. I can't timetravel
I could regret or resent that I basically achieved nothing until my mud-thirties (typo but I'm keeping it) but I can't go back there. All I have is now. Right now, I can appreciate things with any of my senses that are working (pretty much my main goal now). I can be creative without needing approval from someone else. My definition of success is to have just enough. Just enough work so I don't go hungry or without shelter or for the little hobbies I have. Success for me is not looking pretty (ha!), not showing off my purchases, not being popular.
I see you stealing defeat from the jaws of victory. You and I both know how a traumatic childhood hangs over your mood like stench no-one else can smell. But you know what, you got through and you got out. You're looking at your current education through dung-coloured glasses. I nearly killed myself trying to get a perfect GPA and guess how many employers cared? None. Just that I had a qualification was good enough.
It's so incredibly normal for abused children to try to achieve perfection to avoid abuse, and they carry that "need" into their adult lives. I say instead, you're getting an education despite the lack of accommodations, despite your struggles. That's awesome. Wouldn't you say that to someone who has gone through what you have?
Now, where should you be at 25? At 25, I had 2 kids in diapers and a lazy bastard of a husband. I don't recommend that option. You could runaway and try homelessness? You could stick on your current path and hopefully get a job in your field. You could make a living by WWOOFing (you work 5 hours a day on an organic farm, they give you food, a place to sleep and some small amount of cash, and you can travel round your country doing that). Don't look to society's standards for your idea of where you should be or what Success is.
Do a mood board or a PowerPoint or collect pinterest images and call it Future Me. Put ideas in there of what you want to experience or achieve. You are not competing with the average experience of someone in your demographic, you are building the life that suits you.
There is so much more I would/could say but then this would be too long to be read. I guess my point is: you're looking in the wrong places for the wrong stuff. Being happy/content is very personal, often involves cats but is mostly about knowing what makes you feel like you have enough and ARE enough.
You are good enough already.
posted by b33j at 10:15 PM on March 2, 2022 [60 favorites]
I got better at my job and more assertive so I was paid more. Mobile phones made getting lost difficult so I travelled and I had the $ and freedom to do it. I started walking and became so fit that on my 48th birthday, I walked 37km.
I can only live in the moment. I can't timetravel
I could regret or resent that I basically achieved nothing until my mud-thirties (typo but I'm keeping it) but I can't go back there. All I have is now. Right now, I can appreciate things with any of my senses that are working (pretty much my main goal now). I can be creative without needing approval from someone else. My definition of success is to have just enough. Just enough work so I don't go hungry or without shelter or for the little hobbies I have. Success for me is not looking pretty (ha!), not showing off my purchases, not being popular.
I see you stealing defeat from the jaws of victory. You and I both know how a traumatic childhood hangs over your mood like stench no-one else can smell. But you know what, you got through and you got out. You're looking at your current education through dung-coloured glasses. I nearly killed myself trying to get a perfect GPA and guess how many employers cared? None. Just that I had a qualification was good enough.
It's so incredibly normal for abused children to try to achieve perfection to avoid abuse, and they carry that "need" into their adult lives. I say instead, you're getting an education despite the lack of accommodations, despite your struggles. That's awesome. Wouldn't you say that to someone who has gone through what you have?
Now, where should you be at 25? At 25, I had 2 kids in diapers and a lazy bastard of a husband. I don't recommend that option. You could runaway and try homelessness? You could stick on your current path and hopefully get a job in your field. You could make a living by WWOOFing (you work 5 hours a day on an organic farm, they give you food, a place to sleep and some small amount of cash, and you can travel round your country doing that). Don't look to society's standards for your idea of where you should be or what Success is.
Do a mood board or a PowerPoint or collect pinterest images and call it Future Me. Put ideas in there of what you want to experience or achieve. You are not competing with the average experience of someone in your demographic, you are building the life that suits you.
There is so much more I would/could say but then this would be too long to be read. I guess my point is: you're looking in the wrong places for the wrong stuff. Being happy/content is very personal, often involves cats but is mostly about knowing what makes you feel like you have enough and ARE enough.
You are good enough already.
posted by b33j at 10:15 PM on March 2, 2022 [60 favorites]
a quarter century old (insert sad party popper noise here),
I just turned 50, while scary it was not sad.
developed a small side business
Wish I could say that. That is awesome.
facing the uphill battle of trying to get hired and build a career with a mediocre GPA and resume.
Do you have to put your GPA on the resume? I never did, I don't think. Just finish the degree and worry about the job interview later.
My older sibling is the golden child
That's their problem. Focus on you.
If you have been in a similar place to me, and got out of it, what made you realize “it’s not too late”?
Never too late. When I was 25, I moved to NYC and spent a little over a year failing to go back to college and getting fired from waiter jobs. I started to figure out myself, and my life, in my late 30's. Hell, I'm still doing that.
posted by vrakatar at 10:40 PM on March 2, 2022 [9 favorites]
I just turned 50, while scary it was not sad.
developed a small side business
Wish I could say that. That is awesome.
facing the uphill battle of trying to get hired and build a career with a mediocre GPA and resume.
Do you have to put your GPA on the resume? I never did, I don't think. Just finish the degree and worry about the job interview later.
My older sibling is the golden child
That's their problem. Focus on you.
If you have been in a similar place to me, and got out of it, what made you realize “it’s not too late”?
Never too late. When I was 25, I moved to NYC and spent a little over a year failing to go back to college and getting fired from waiter jobs. I started to figure out myself, and my life, in my late 30's. Hell, I'm still doing that.
posted by vrakatar at 10:40 PM on March 2, 2022 [9 favorites]
Oh! Sweetheart! (Can I call you sweetheart?)
You are doing great. You are more than enough. You seriously never know what is right around the corner.
But I am sure you don't believe all that stuff because I am a mere internet stranger, so let me give some more targeted personal advice: wow, none of this shit is linear!
You don't "graduate" from abuse and brain stuff. It's better and worse, you learn a little and regress a little, you pass your exams that you were terrified you were going to fail, you get an incomplete for a class you forgot that you had registered for until the dean emails you, causing months of panic attacks in reverb, you get into grad school, you make peace with a sibling, you survive, barely, a depressive episode that lands you in the hospital, your side hustle becomes your main hustle and its surreal and wonderful every day, you get your awesome dream job after a decade and some really traumatic childhood shit resurfaces bigtime, you burn out, your motivation drops to zero, you still can't find a date, you meet your partner, you have kids, those kids tank your executive function, you start a new hobby.....
Aren't we LUCKY to be ALIVE HUMAN BEINGS?! Isn't it just an absolute trip?! You gotta just laugh at how absurdly up and down it all is. People ride rollercoasters for fun, right? Could this be that?
posted by athirstforsalt at 12:43 AM on March 3, 2022 [17 favorites]
You are doing great. You are more than enough. You seriously never know what is right around the corner.
But I am sure you don't believe all that stuff because I am a mere internet stranger, so let me give some more targeted personal advice: wow, none of this shit is linear!
You don't "graduate" from abuse and brain stuff. It's better and worse, you learn a little and regress a little, you pass your exams that you were terrified you were going to fail, you get an incomplete for a class you forgot that you had registered for until the dean emails you, causing months of panic attacks in reverb, you get into grad school, you make peace with a sibling, you survive, barely, a depressive episode that lands you in the hospital, your side hustle becomes your main hustle and its surreal and wonderful every day, you get your awesome dream job after a decade and some really traumatic childhood shit resurfaces bigtime, you burn out, your motivation drops to zero, you still can't find a date, you meet your partner, you have kids, those kids tank your executive function, you start a new hobby.....
Aren't we LUCKY to be ALIVE HUMAN BEINGS?! Isn't it just an absolute trip?! You gotta just laugh at how absurdly up and down it all is. People ride rollercoasters for fun, right? Could this be that?
posted by athirstforsalt at 12:43 AM on March 3, 2022 [17 favorites]
What athirstforsalt said.
Take notice every time you use the word "should". Who gets to judge where you should be at any particular age? If that person is not you, why give them so much power?
If it's you, take a step back and do a reality check.
From what you've said here, in terms of emotional maturity and self awareness, you already have achieved what I'm only starting to do now, at 50.
I also had a bit of a crisis when I was your age. I think it's because at that age, many people move from "I'm young, and I don't have many responsibilities, I have plenty of time to explore " to "OK I've chosen a path. I don't like everything about it, but I now know I don't have all the time in the world. Life is short. "
It's a scary time for everyone. But it sounds as if it's extra hard for you because you never had the chance to experiment and get to know yourself as an adult. How can you know what you want or " should "do?
None of us know where we are in the trajectory of our lives. I might be near the end of mine, or still have many years. I might discover a new passion tomorrow, and all the things I care about now will be meaningless then.
We don't live through life day by day, with each day being a step further along from a beginning behind us, to death somewhere in front.
We live in the moment. Each day is the same day, except we get to choose what to do with it again. There is no test we can fail, except the one we set ourselves. Choose your own tests with care and kindness. Don't internalise the judgement of a harsh and narrow world.
posted by Zumbador at 2:41 AM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Take notice every time you use the word "should". Who gets to judge where you should be at any particular age? If that person is not you, why give them so much power?
If it's you, take a step back and do a reality check.
From what you've said here, in terms of emotional maturity and self awareness, you already have achieved what I'm only starting to do now, at 50.
I also had a bit of a crisis when I was your age. I think it's because at that age, many people move from "I'm young, and I don't have many responsibilities, I have plenty of time to explore " to "OK I've chosen a path. I don't like everything about it, but I now know I don't have all the time in the world. Life is short. "
It's a scary time for everyone. But it sounds as if it's extra hard for you because you never had the chance to experiment and get to know yourself as an adult. How can you know what you want or " should "do?
None of us know where we are in the trajectory of our lives. I might be near the end of mine, or still have many years. I might discover a new passion tomorrow, and all the things I care about now will be meaningless then.
We don't live through life day by day, with each day being a step further along from a beginning behind us, to death somewhere in front.
We live in the moment. Each day is the same day, except we get to choose what to do with it again. There is no test we can fail, except the one we set ourselves. Choose your own tests with care and kindness. Don't internalise the judgement of a harsh and narrow world.
posted by Zumbador at 2:41 AM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Not saying anything but to offer a data point: My first adult life started at 21, when I failed to get a job overseas and failed to get into graduate school, despite decent grades, and ended up being miserable and doing menial work to pay bills. My second adult life as an independent person only really got started when I was 25, when I moved out from my parents' place and started graduate school. My third adult life started when I was 31 and got a junior position doing the kind of work I think I was always meant to do, but in a city I knew nothing about. My fourth adult life is starting now, after separation (and soon divorce) from my partner of 17 years, which is surprisingly recharging my batteries in a way I would not have expected six months ago. Along the way I keep learning more about myself.
With all the ups and downs, I would say on the balance that I am a happier or at least more complete, content person for all the experiences and adventures I have had. All of which is to say that, as I pressed onwards in life, I could have had no idea where I would end up. I have no idea where or what I will be a year from now.
It will sound corny to hear a stranger tell you that it is never too late, but I swear that it really is true.
In every way that makes you who you are, you are the culmination of all the baby steps you took to get to today. And so when you start a new beginning today, where you will be tomorrow, months, or years from now will be something beyond your imagination to predict.
You are still very, very young. Seize every day and the opportunities that come about. Push for the better future you deserve. I suspect that you will get to look back five years from now and discover what a remarkably different and happier person you have become, by taking agency in your life.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:49 AM on March 3, 2022 [9 favorites]
With all the ups and downs, I would say on the balance that I am a happier or at least more complete, content person for all the experiences and adventures I have had. All of which is to say that, as I pressed onwards in life, I could have had no idea where I would end up. I have no idea where or what I will be a year from now.
It will sound corny to hear a stranger tell you that it is never too late, but I swear that it really is true.
In every way that makes you who you are, you are the culmination of all the baby steps you took to get to today. And so when you start a new beginning today, where you will be tomorrow, months, or years from now will be something beyond your imagination to predict.
You are still very, very young. Seize every day and the opportunities that come about. Push for the better future you deserve. I suspect that you will get to look back five years from now and discover what a remarkably different and happier person you have become, by taking agency in your life.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:49 AM on March 3, 2022 [9 favorites]
I honestly don't think you've even gotten to your prime. I enjoyed my early 20s, but I didn't really start feeling like I was properly myself until my late 20s/early 30s, which made that one kind of 'prime'. Many people find that their professional prime is really after they're 40.
Attempt to pass the higher level stats courses that you're currently taking, and then put them behind you. Do try to complete your degree at a decent but sustainable pace. Find the careers centre and make appointments to speak to people about what you might want to do when you've finished. Maybe see if you can get informational interviews with people about their jobs so you can find out whether you would be interested in doing that for a living, and if so how to get started.
Sometimes close friends become close because someone reached out for help. Try one or two of your currently less close friends, selecting on the basis of who you trust the most and who seems like a compassionate person overall. They may step up and give some support. I'm terrible at sympathising and not most people's go-to support person, but I absolutely will give time and energy to someone I know who reaches out, even if we're not yet close. I don't think I'm the only person in the world who would respond like this.
posted by plonkee at 2:54 AM on March 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Attempt to pass the higher level stats courses that you're currently taking, and then put them behind you. Do try to complete your degree at a decent but sustainable pace. Find the careers centre and make appointments to speak to people about what you might want to do when you've finished. Maybe see if you can get informational interviews with people about their jobs so you can find out whether you would be interested in doing that for a living, and if so how to get started.
Sometimes close friends become close because someone reached out for help. Try one or two of your currently less close friends, selecting on the basis of who you trust the most and who seems like a compassionate person overall. They may step up and give some support. I'm terrible at sympathising and not most people's go-to support person, but I absolutely will give time and energy to someone I know who reaches out, even if we're not yet close. I don't think I'm the only person in the world who would respond like this.
posted by plonkee at 2:54 AM on March 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
Don't forget that a degree is just your entry pass to your first professional job. After that nobody cares about your grades, or your degree. (And unless you're planning a career in academia, the grades don't matter much for your first job either.) Just get the piece of paper!
posted by DarlingBri at 4:39 AM on March 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:39 AM on March 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
I mean, the good news is it is definitely not too late. Very few people I know had things "figured out" when they were 25. For me, I did well in school but failed to master a lot of social and executive function stuff. I basically had no money or social life and minimal contact with my family for my entire 20s, through an exciting combination of social anxiety, poorly-paid work, and ill-considered decisions about grad school.
Things got a lot better for me! Now I make enough money to support myself comfortably and save for the future, I have a good relationship with my sister, I have friends I know I can turn to in difficult times (I don't always do this, because I'm still not great at feelings! But I do at least intellectually know these people exist). (Also I just want to note: some people are always there for you 100% no matter what, but not all of us have these people in our lives. There is also a TON of value in relationships with people who are there for you when they are able. There's even value in relationships with people who are there for you when they feel like it/when it's convenient.)
Even though my life is way more put-together and happier than it was when I was 25 (I'm in my mid-40s now) I have also had to go through a lot of hard stuff, and even in the midst of all this hard stuff (most notably the illness and death of my wonderful spouse) I have still had trouble reaching out to my support network (I have a tendency to believe that my friends/family have good intentions and want to help, but that they aren't actually good at helping... but sometimes half-assed help is better than no help at all, and how will they learn to help me if I don't let them practice?). So I definitely don't have everything figured out!
So the bad news is that this stuff isn't going to go away. Being 25 is hard, but being 30 is also hard, being 40 is hard, I haven't gotten there yet but it sure looks like being 50/60/70/etc. is also hard. Different things will be hard at different points in your life. Some things will get easier and others may get harder. All you can do is try to take care of both Current You and Future You - find joy where you can and reach out for the things you want/need even when they seem like they might not be 100% attainable.
posted by mskyle at 5:16 AM on March 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
Things got a lot better for me! Now I make enough money to support myself comfortably and save for the future, I have a good relationship with my sister, I have friends I know I can turn to in difficult times (I don't always do this, because I'm still not great at feelings! But I do at least intellectually know these people exist). (Also I just want to note: some people are always there for you 100% no matter what, but not all of us have these people in our lives. There is also a TON of value in relationships with people who are there for you when they are able. There's even value in relationships with people who are there for you when they feel like it/when it's convenient.)
Even though my life is way more put-together and happier than it was when I was 25 (I'm in my mid-40s now) I have also had to go through a lot of hard stuff, and even in the midst of all this hard stuff (most notably the illness and death of my wonderful spouse) I have still had trouble reaching out to my support network (I have a tendency to believe that my friends/family have good intentions and want to help, but that they aren't actually good at helping... but sometimes half-assed help is better than no help at all, and how will they learn to help me if I don't let them practice?). So I definitely don't have everything figured out!
So the bad news is that this stuff isn't going to go away. Being 25 is hard, but being 30 is also hard, being 40 is hard, I haven't gotten there yet but it sure looks like being 50/60/70/etc. is also hard. Different things will be hard at different points in your life. Some things will get easier and others may get harder. All you can do is try to take care of both Current You and Future You - find joy where you can and reach out for the things you want/need even when they seem like they might not be 100% attainable.
posted by mskyle at 5:16 AM on March 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
How late is too late?
I don’t know yet, but I’ll let you know when I get there. I’m 61, and it’s not too late for anything yet. I enjoy life a lot more now than I did in my 20’s.
And as far as being “past your prime”… don’t judge yourself based on the ridiculous views of a bunch of misogynistic dudebros who are literally scared of women.
Also, “careers” are overrated, and are not a measure of success to anyone except those who are incapable of finding any meaning in life other than acquiring money. Jobs are a means to an end (feeding and housing yourself), not something to base your life around. I’ll guarantee you that the guy selling shrimp on a stick on the beach in Puerto Vallarta is enjoying his life more than the guy sitting at the computer trying to figure out how to meet next month’s metric for number of hits on the Widget, Inc. Facebook page.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:27 AM on March 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
I don’t know yet, but I’ll let you know when I get there. I’m 61, and it’s not too late for anything yet. I enjoy life a lot more now than I did in my 20’s.
And as far as being “past your prime”… don’t judge yourself based on the ridiculous views of a bunch of misogynistic dudebros who are literally scared of women.
Also, “careers” are overrated, and are not a measure of success to anyone except those who are incapable of finding any meaning in life other than acquiring money. Jobs are a means to an end (feeding and housing yourself), not something to base your life around. I’ll guarantee you that the guy selling shrimp on a stick on the beach in Puerto Vallarta is enjoying his life more than the guy sitting at the computer trying to figure out how to meet next month’s metric for number of hits on the Widget, Inc. Facebook page.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:27 AM on March 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
My view is some people go fast-then-slow -- e.g., my life was pretty privileged, but I failed to gain some basic socioemotional skills such that things really slowed down for me in my mid 20s -- whereas others go slow-then-fast -- e.g., some of my friends who faced struggles similar to yours and accumulated a lot of socioemotional skills and wisdom first, and then focused on external-world achievements. We ended up in the same place in our late 20s. I'm not saying that's how it works for everyone (since these are my friends, there's a selection bias in this data), but I think it's common.
The struggles you've gone through have inevitably given you emotional intelligence, life experience, and potentially a reserve of grit and self-confidence to draw upon. For example, having built a business that's enough for you to get by on is amazing and puts you in a good position when you look for jobs. You don't have to stay in a job you don't like, ever. You could rely on that while developing a consulting gig in your new field.
All to say, it makes sense that you're feeling exhausted and frustrated and down on yourself, but hang in there and try to give yourself lots of credit for the things that you have accomplished. They may be intangible but can still be incredibly valuable.
posted by slidell at 5:34 AM on March 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
The struggles you've gone through have inevitably given you emotional intelligence, life experience, and potentially a reserve of grit and self-confidence to draw upon. For example, having built a business that's enough for you to get by on is amazing and puts you in a good position when you look for jobs. You don't have to stay in a job you don't like, ever. You could rely on that while developing a consulting gig in your new field.
All to say, it makes sense that you're feeling exhausted and frustrated and down on yourself, but hang in there and try to give yourself lots of credit for the things that you have accomplished. They may be intangible but can still be incredibly valuable.
posted by slidell at 5:34 AM on March 3, 2022 [4 favorites]
I lost 20s and most of my 30s to suicidality, gender dysphoria, bad executive function, and misguided coping methods. It was terrible. I wouldn't go back for anything in the world. But also, in hindsight, it turns out I wasn't standing still.
Over the years I accumulated friends who were loyal and functional. I built some skills. I learned how to take care of myself in basic ways. Those didn't fix my life, and I was scared that meant I was hopeless — but they were steps.
I thought for a while that I'd be temping forever, and for most of my 20s that was all I was up for. But by my late 20s, the slow progress I was making had added up, I was ready for more, and I got a grad degree that led to a good career. That didn't fix my life, and I was scared that meant I was hopeless — but it was a step.
I transitioned in my early 30s. That didn't fix my life, and I was scared that meant I was hopeless — but it was a step. It helped me get to a place where I could have real, meaningful romantic relationships. That was another step.
Eventually, I was ready to take my mental health seriously, and by the time I was 40 I'd found a psych med that worked well. Between that med, the friends I'd made, and the skills I'd learned, I wasn't suicidal anymore. That was a big victory, and it was made out of hundreds of smaller steps. Honestly, the new med wouldn't have done it alone, though it would have been a big help if I'd found it earlier. I think all those steps were necessary to get me to where I am.
It was grindingly slow. The slow pace was terrifying. I spent a lot of time worried that I'd topped out and couldn't get any farther. But I wasn't standing still. I was just moving slowly.
There is no too late.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:55 AM on March 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
Over the years I accumulated friends who were loyal and functional. I built some skills. I learned how to take care of myself in basic ways. Those didn't fix my life, and I was scared that meant I was hopeless — but they were steps.
I thought for a while that I'd be temping forever, and for most of my 20s that was all I was up for. But by my late 20s, the slow progress I was making had added up, I was ready for more, and I got a grad degree that led to a good career. That didn't fix my life, and I was scared that meant I was hopeless — but it was a step.
I transitioned in my early 30s. That didn't fix my life, and I was scared that meant I was hopeless — but it was a step. It helped me get to a place where I could have real, meaningful romantic relationships. That was another step.
Eventually, I was ready to take my mental health seriously, and by the time I was 40 I'd found a psych med that worked well. Between that med, the friends I'd made, and the skills I'd learned, I wasn't suicidal anymore. That was a big victory, and it was made out of hundreds of smaller steps. Honestly, the new med wouldn't have done it alone, though it would have been a big help if I'd found it earlier. I think all those steps were necessary to get me to where I am.
It was grindingly slow. The slow pace was terrifying. I spent a lot of time worried that I'd topped out and couldn't get any farther. But I wasn't standing still. I was just moving slowly.
There is no too late.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:55 AM on March 3, 2022 [12 favorites]
I graduated college in 1998, I've been asked my GPA exactly once since then. Really, honestly, it's so rare that it matters.
I wasn't diagnosed with my own learning disability until my mid-30s, around the time I married (for the second time, the first time I got hitched to someone I barely knew and left the country), I've had more careers than I can count, I became a homeowner at 39 and a mom at 42. I'm disabled, I'm imperfect, my previous career is dead and I'm sure I'll have to go back to school someday.
It's all fine, because life isn't about ratcheting up achievements for some imaginary audience. There's no timeline.
posted by champers at 6:12 AM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
I wasn't diagnosed with my own learning disability until my mid-30s, around the time I married (for the second time, the first time I got hitched to someone I barely knew and left the country), I've had more careers than I can count, I became a homeowner at 39 and a mom at 42. I'm disabled, I'm imperfect, my previous career is dead and I'm sure I'll have to go back to school someday.
It's all fine, because life isn't about ratcheting up achievements for some imaginary audience. There's no timeline.
posted by champers at 6:12 AM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Re: your GPA, say it with me: "Ds get degrees." You might be asked for your GPA when you apply for your first job. Maybe! Often you aren't (and no need to volunteer it unless asked). Nobody will ever ask for it after that.
This thing that's happening to you, it's partially determined by your specific circumstances. But it's also just kinda a feeling that happens to a lot of people at 25. That's why there's a name for it: "quarter life crisis." In any event, I spent my entire 20s in grad school to get a degree that I don't use even a little bit now. I have numerous accomplishments, but none of them are as impressive as your extracting yourself from an abusive household and indirectly saving your mother.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:47 AM on March 3, 2022 [10 favorites]
This thing that's happening to you, it's partially determined by your specific circumstances. But it's also just kinda a feeling that happens to a lot of people at 25. That's why there's a name for it: "quarter life crisis." In any event, I spent my entire 20s in grad school to get a degree that I don't use even a little bit now. I have numerous accomplishments, but none of them are as impressive as your extracting yourself from an abusive household and indirectly saving your mother.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:47 AM on March 3, 2022 [10 favorites]
One thing that stuck out to me in your question is that you described all your relationships as being one sided, other people ask you for support and you provide it.
What happens when you ask these same people for support? Or is my guess correct that you don't? I know it can be really tough to do so, especially if you have internalized the message that if you ask for help you are a burden or it shows weakness. What makes you sure that your sister won't be supportive and understanding? If she's shut you down in the past, it's not a sign that everyone will do this, it's a sign that you grew up in an unhealthy environment together. But if you just don't want to talk to her because you feel inferior, that doesn't mean that she feels the same way and that she wouldn't want to be there for you.
Setting aside family, looking at potential friends, if they are opening up to you about the struggles in their life, for people who don't suck that's usually a cue that you can do the same thing. Reciprocating in sharing our struggles with each other is a way people grow closer in relationships, and it doesn't usually start with the other person explicitly asking you what they can do to help you.
posted by picardythird at 7:56 AM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
What happens when you ask these same people for support? Or is my guess correct that you don't? I know it can be really tough to do so, especially if you have internalized the message that if you ask for help you are a burden or it shows weakness. What makes you sure that your sister won't be supportive and understanding? If she's shut you down in the past, it's not a sign that everyone will do this, it's a sign that you grew up in an unhealthy environment together. But if you just don't want to talk to her because you feel inferior, that doesn't mean that she feels the same way and that she wouldn't want to be there for you.
Setting aside family, looking at potential friends, if they are opening up to you about the struggles in their life, for people who don't suck that's usually a cue that you can do the same thing. Reciprocating in sharing our struggles with each other is a way people grow closer in relationships, and it doesn't usually start with the other person explicitly asking you what they can do to help you.
posted by picardythird at 7:56 AM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hey, I dropped out of two separate universities at your age due to PTSD and an additional assault, and I am 51 and completing that second degree this year!!! So it is never too late.
This advice will probably sound facile and I apologize for that but sometimes the facile advice is true. The more time and energy you spend worrying about where you are vs. everyone else or what you've missed, is time and energy you are NOT using right now to create the life you want.
So ask future you what to do. I'm not you. But if I *were* you this is what I would suggest:
1. Agree with everyone that if you can finish this degree, do it, don't worry about your GPA just get it done. This is the voice of extensive experience with this, see above. If you don't though, well, I've had a great life. However, it's really really worth the life energy you will put in for a short period of time.
2. You apparently love graphic design so it's unclear to me why you're in a soft science. If you love both, AMAZING. If you don't, start looking for ways to get certificates/diplomas in design because you can get a job with benefits doing that! I expected from reading about your business that you would be in a design program.
3. WHO THE HELL is telling you you're past your prime at 25? I'm 51 AND I used to run a magazine website for a magazine for women 40-60 and I have to tell you you are NOWHERE near your prime. Enjoy your life! Do what you want to do! Do something fun this weekend! If you want to date, date! If you want to do graphic design either pursue that hard or get a Mon-Fri job (you will get one! It's anxiety telling you otherwise! It may take a bizillion resumes!) and design the shit out of stuff on weekends.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:57 AM on March 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
This advice will probably sound facile and I apologize for that but sometimes the facile advice is true. The more time and energy you spend worrying about where you are vs. everyone else or what you've missed, is time and energy you are NOT using right now to create the life you want.
So ask future you what to do. I'm not you. But if I *were* you this is what I would suggest:
1. Agree with everyone that if you can finish this degree, do it, don't worry about your GPA just get it done. This is the voice of extensive experience with this, see above. If you don't though, well, I've had a great life. However, it's really really worth the life energy you will put in for a short period of time.
2. You apparently love graphic design so it's unclear to me why you're in a soft science. If you love both, AMAZING. If you don't, start looking for ways to get certificates/diplomas in design because you can get a job with benefits doing that! I expected from reading about your business that you would be in a design program.
3. WHO THE HELL is telling you you're past your prime at 25? I'm 51 AND I used to run a magazine website for a magazine for women 40-60 and I have to tell you you are NOWHERE near your prime. Enjoy your life! Do what you want to do! Do something fun this weekend! If you want to date, date! If you want to do graphic design either pursue that hard or get a Mon-Fri job (you will get one! It's anxiety telling you otherwise! It may take a bizillion resumes!) and design the shit out of stuff on weekends.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:57 AM on March 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
For what it's worth, a queer woman I know well decided to radically change careers at 36, starting with a random degree from a non accredited school, and six years later is short listed for faculty jobs at internationally famous research universities. I don't imagine that's your goal, but it's never too late to change your mind and do something you really care about. (But, finishing a nearly finished degree is worth doing.)
If your school has mental health resources, it's worth trying. Sometimes a professional who understands what you're dealing with can be useful.
Also, talk to people in the fields you care about with regard to financial resources for further studies. There may be options you haven't considered. Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 8:03 AM on March 3, 2022
If your school has mental health resources, it's worth trying. Sometimes a professional who understands what you're dealing with can be useful.
Also, talk to people in the fields you care about with regard to financial resources for further studies. There may be options you haven't considered. Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 8:03 AM on March 3, 2022
Also, I know it's maybe not helpful to say "you'll get it when you're older," but I do think you'll look back at this when you're older and realize how young you were and not "behind" at all.
I feel you though, and am not saying I think you should be able to just magically stop feeling this way with age. I feel this way sometimes, in sort of a "nagging in the background" kind of way. I'm in my late 30s, and my peers literally are starting to come into their prime professionally now, and I struggle sometimes with these feelings of comparison and how I "should" be doing something "more impressive" (see: my last AskMe question), my peers/friends are also paired off and having kids and buying homes and...it's easy to look around and feel like I'm just sitting around in my shitty rental apartment alone and everyone has left me behind.
But the reality I know is that life isn't a race, or a to-do list of achievements and milestones to hit by a certain date. Having goals is not bad of course but if you're driven by the feeling that you will feel okay about yourself if only you could accomplish X, Y, or Z, whatever goals you accomplish won't be enough for you, even if you accomplish the exact thing that was your goal, it will just get just get discounted in your mind as not being "enough" somehow.
I mean look at you now, you're doing some really cool things. You started a business but that doesn't "count" because it's not a full-time income yet? If you saw someone else doing the same, wouldn't you think it was really cool that they developed a great skill and started a business that is profitable at all doing something they like? (This is a real thing you can put on your resume, by the way.) You're graduating college but it doesn't "count" because your grades are average? Do you look around at all the people around you--most of whom have average grades--and think they are all failures because of it?
posted by picardythird at 8:20 AM on March 3, 2022
I feel you though, and am not saying I think you should be able to just magically stop feeling this way with age. I feel this way sometimes, in sort of a "nagging in the background" kind of way. I'm in my late 30s, and my peers literally are starting to come into their prime professionally now, and I struggle sometimes with these feelings of comparison and how I "should" be doing something "more impressive" (see: my last AskMe question), my peers/friends are also paired off and having kids and buying homes and...it's easy to look around and feel like I'm just sitting around in my shitty rental apartment alone and everyone has left me behind.
But the reality I know is that life isn't a race, or a to-do list of achievements and milestones to hit by a certain date. Having goals is not bad of course but if you're driven by the feeling that you will feel okay about yourself if only you could accomplish X, Y, or Z, whatever goals you accomplish won't be enough for you, even if you accomplish the exact thing that was your goal, it will just get just get discounted in your mind as not being "enough" somehow.
I mean look at you now, you're doing some really cool things. You started a business but that doesn't "count" because it's not a full-time income yet? If you saw someone else doing the same, wouldn't you think it was really cool that they developed a great skill and started a business that is profitable at all doing something they like? (This is a real thing you can put on your resume, by the way.) You're graduating college but it doesn't "count" because your grades are average? Do you look around at all the people around you--most of whom have average grades--and think they are all failures because of it?
posted by picardythird at 8:20 AM on March 3, 2022
Ditto on the awesome answers from everyone else.
I'm twice your age-ish, with ADHD diagnosed 17 years ago, for which I just started receiving treatment. Also a gay woman. And it sucks to have a sister (younger in my case) who is beautiful and rich, etc!
I didn't get my BA til I was in my 30s. Unless you're going to grad school, nobody cares about your GPA.
The regrets over the wasted time (decades)! The shoulda-woulda-couldas are omnipresent and a quick trip to nowheresville. The overwhelming feelings of having wasted my life in obsessive but short-lived pursuits, random sidetracks, and general lost time.
But! You escaped! How amazing that you've created a business that does pretty well! You're really making an effort to reach out and engage with others (meetups, etc.)! You're doing a lot of great things. Regardless of your past (or current) difficulties, the activities you mention somewhat dismissively indicate to me that you have qualities that many people would find attractive and admirable, whatever your GPA, current financials, or job.
You want stability and community, a career, love and friendships. Those things aren't beyond you, nor are you too late (ever), nor are you ever unworthy of them.
I'm at a different stage of life than you, and recently started existential therapy, which is an interesting modality, and perhaps not quite what you need right now. It's goal is less about working through past traumas and more about focusing on identifying the life you want to be living, right now, what your blockers may be, and how to overcome them. This is all within the larger context that only you can live your life and decide what's important to you; what your values are, what the meaning of your life is. (Because there is no intrinsic meaning; see also Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning.) And it turns out it's a tough process to identify, truly, those things - those values, that meaning - for yourself, and then figure out how to live them authentically.
Tomorrow is no guarantee (though likely **dreary oboe**) - there is only now.
Please feel free to reach out via memail if you like - you are not without random-people-on-the-internet who care and want to see you well.
posted by Bourbonesque at 8:48 AM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm twice your age-ish, with ADHD diagnosed 17 years ago, for which I just started receiving treatment. Also a gay woman. And it sucks to have a sister (younger in my case) who is beautiful and rich, etc!
I didn't get my BA til I was in my 30s. Unless you're going to grad school, nobody cares about your GPA.
The regrets over the wasted time (decades)! The shoulda-woulda-couldas are omnipresent and a quick trip to nowheresville. The overwhelming feelings of having wasted my life in obsessive but short-lived pursuits, random sidetracks, and general lost time.
But! You escaped! How amazing that you've created a business that does pretty well! You're really making an effort to reach out and engage with others (meetups, etc.)! You're doing a lot of great things. Regardless of your past (or current) difficulties, the activities you mention somewhat dismissively indicate to me that you have qualities that many people would find attractive and admirable, whatever your GPA, current financials, or job.
You want stability and community, a career, love and friendships. Those things aren't beyond you, nor are you too late (ever), nor are you ever unworthy of them.
I'm at a different stage of life than you, and recently started existential therapy, which is an interesting modality, and perhaps not quite what you need right now. It's goal is less about working through past traumas and more about focusing on identifying the life you want to be living, right now, what your blockers may be, and how to overcome them. This is all within the larger context that only you can live your life and decide what's important to you; what your values are, what the meaning of your life is. (Because there is no intrinsic meaning; see also Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning.) And it turns out it's a tough process to identify, truly, those things - those values, that meaning - for yourself, and then figure out how to live them authentically.
Tomorrow is no guarantee (though likely **dreary oboe**) - there is only now.
Please feel free to reach out via memail if you like - you are not without random-people-on-the-internet who care and want to see you well.
posted by Bourbonesque at 8:48 AM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
In 2015, I was in my late 20s, just out of the one long-term relationship I'd ever been in, and working in a social media job I hated with no idea what I wanted to do. I hadn't figured out my style yet and I had undiagnosed ADHD. I was fortunate to have a few good friends, but I definitely felt stuck and uncertain.
Here in 2022, I am a goth UX designer with a masters' degree, managing my ADHD, still have great friends and a few new ones, and I'm engaged to someone awesome. Things are, on the whole, pretty good. I won't say I NEVER feel uncertain about what I want to be doing with my life and my time, but the conditions around my uncertainty have vastly improved.
I say this not to brag but to reassure you that a) it is SUPER normal to not really know what your deal is by your mid- or even late-twenties, even without having to contend with prior trauma and b) big things can happen in a surprisingly brief timeframe, especially in your 20s. One change usually begets more changes until it snowballs into "holy shit, how did I get here?", which can be a good or bad thing, I suppose.
Anyway: It's DEFINITELY not too late. I know it's hard not to feel like you've "wasted" time or that you're locked into where you are now, but I promise, that is not true. You are already working towards the changes that are going to have you looking back at age 30 and going "holy shit, how did I get here?" Keep on trucking—you'll get there eventually.
posted by helloimjennsco at 9:10 AM on March 3, 2022
Here in 2022, I am a goth UX designer with a masters' degree, managing my ADHD, still have great friends and a few new ones, and I'm engaged to someone awesome. Things are, on the whole, pretty good. I won't say I NEVER feel uncertain about what I want to be doing with my life and my time, but the conditions around my uncertainty have vastly improved.
I say this not to brag but to reassure you that a) it is SUPER normal to not really know what your deal is by your mid- or even late-twenties, even without having to contend with prior trauma and b) big things can happen in a surprisingly brief timeframe, especially in your 20s. One change usually begets more changes until it snowballs into "holy shit, how did I get here?", which can be a good or bad thing, I suppose.
Anyway: It's DEFINITELY not too late. I know it's hard not to feel like you've "wasted" time or that you're locked into where you are now, but I promise, that is not true. You are already working towards the changes that are going to have you looking back at age 30 and going "holy shit, how did I get here?" Keep on trucking—you'll get there eventually.
posted by helloimjennsco at 9:10 AM on March 3, 2022
I'm 47 now, but I was three years older than you are now by the time I joined Metafilter. If you're already on Metafilter as you're just turning 25, you're doing better than I was then.
That might sound hokey, but seriously, you've got your whole life ahead of you.
posted by emelenjr at 11:53 AM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
That might sound hokey, but seriously, you've got your whole life ahead of you.
posted by emelenjr at 11:53 AM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
That "meaningful life" terminology makes me think you're working on ACT therapy with your therapist.
It basically sounds like you're going through the kind of mid-life crisis that most people go through in their 30s and 40s. So you're not behind, you're ahead.
I'm 41 and I'm just starting to figure this stuff out and I have a career, nice house, stable income, and an awesome wife and son that I love. I had a mental breakdown and could no longer deal with the same kinds of thoughts that you describe. I think almost everyone does abused or not. Your individual history will absolutely influence what this looks like for you but you're definitely not alone, nothing is "wrong" with you. You're a normal human like everyone else and most people deal with this stuff sooner or later whether they're hiding it for now.
I've got some book and video recommendations by Steven Hayes (lead on the team that developed ACT therapy) and Russ Harris (good book on ACT written to patients rather than therapists and a good youtube channel). If you don't already have those or something similar from your therapist hit me up and I can post them here or DM. And if this ACT therapy business is new to you, ask your therapist about it. It really resonates with me and I'm finding it very helpful.
posted by VTX at 12:38 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
It basically sounds like you're going through the kind of mid-life crisis that most people go through in their 30s and 40s. So you're not behind, you're ahead.
I'm 41 and I'm just starting to figure this stuff out and I have a career, nice house, stable income, and an awesome wife and son that I love. I had a mental breakdown and could no longer deal with the same kinds of thoughts that you describe. I think almost everyone does abused or not. Your individual history will absolutely influence what this looks like for you but you're definitely not alone, nothing is "wrong" with you. You're a normal human like everyone else and most people deal with this stuff sooner or later whether they're hiding it for now.
I've got some book and video recommendations by Steven Hayes (lead on the team that developed ACT therapy) and Russ Harris (good book on ACT written to patients rather than therapists and a good youtube channel). If you don't already have those or something similar from your therapist hit me up and I can post them here or DM. And if this ACT therapy business is new to you, ask your therapist about it. It really resonates with me and I'm finding it very helpful.
posted by VTX at 12:38 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
When someone thinks that how things are now are how things always will be, and how things are now feels terrible, there's a good chance that's depression lying to them about their ability to predict the future.
Do you have access to mental health support? When I was feeling like that when I was around your age, I found that the right antidepressants helped the most paralyzing direness dissipate. Even if I intellectually didn't have any more confidence in the future, that feeling and that future no longer seemed so urgent. That left me with a lot more energy and ability to actually do things that helped me feel better and improve my life.
I was a late bloomer across multiple axes, though maybe not exactly the same ones as you. I "lost" my twenties and a lot of my thirties to caregiving. In some ways, I still feel behind. In some ways, I'm ahead (done with caring for dying parents, woot!) Most of the time, I am able to enjoy my life and don't think about it. Life gives us what it gives us, a lot is not in our control. Merit doesn't result in rewards, dishonor does not result in suffering. You could literally do everything right, and still end up in awful circumstances.
That said, I think you are not really seeing clearly - which is a common factor with depression - how very not unusual your circumstances are. It's easy to compare ourselves against people we think are doing better, and easy to forget how many people are doing worse. From the outside, we can see so much hope and potential for you, and also feel compassion for you facing a world that really is shitty right now for people who aren't already independently wealthy and/or well established in careers. The trick is that - eventually - you need to be able to see and feel that for yourself.
I remember very clearly not having hope for my life, but telling myself that others who saw me and knew me had hope for me, and it's just as possible that they were right as that I was right, and trying to set aside my judgment for theirs.
One place that I started (again, with the help of antidepressants) was trying to fully internalize that luck really is chance. Even if you roll the dice 9 times and get the same number, it's the same 5/6 chance that the next roll will come up different. Even if I felt like my luck had been terrible, it is not some cosmic sign that luck will always break against me. Believing in the possibility that pure luck could bring positive change for me created some psychic wiggle room for me, because I didn't have to put everything in my own hands, hands that felt inadequate to the task.
I hope that you can put some confidence in the hope and compassion that we all have for you.
I would never seriously promise someone that the best is yet to come, because I cannot predict the future either. For all I know, anybody could drop dead tomorrow. But I will absolutely seriously promise that good things - things that you cannot currently viscerally imagine - are possible for you as you move into your late twenties and beyond. So many good and fun and interesting things!
posted by Salamandrous at 1:35 PM on March 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
Do you have access to mental health support? When I was feeling like that when I was around your age, I found that the right antidepressants helped the most paralyzing direness dissipate. Even if I intellectually didn't have any more confidence in the future, that feeling and that future no longer seemed so urgent. That left me with a lot more energy and ability to actually do things that helped me feel better and improve my life.
I was a late bloomer across multiple axes, though maybe not exactly the same ones as you. I "lost" my twenties and a lot of my thirties to caregiving. In some ways, I still feel behind. In some ways, I'm ahead (done with caring for dying parents, woot!) Most of the time, I am able to enjoy my life and don't think about it. Life gives us what it gives us, a lot is not in our control. Merit doesn't result in rewards, dishonor does not result in suffering. You could literally do everything right, and still end up in awful circumstances.
That said, I think you are not really seeing clearly - which is a common factor with depression - how very not unusual your circumstances are. It's easy to compare ourselves against people we think are doing better, and easy to forget how many people are doing worse. From the outside, we can see so much hope and potential for you, and also feel compassion for you facing a world that really is shitty right now for people who aren't already independently wealthy and/or well established in careers. The trick is that - eventually - you need to be able to see and feel that for yourself.
I remember very clearly not having hope for my life, but telling myself that others who saw me and knew me had hope for me, and it's just as possible that they were right as that I was right, and trying to set aside my judgment for theirs.
One place that I started (again, with the help of antidepressants) was trying to fully internalize that luck really is chance. Even if you roll the dice 9 times and get the same number, it's the same 5/6 chance that the next roll will come up different. Even if I felt like my luck had been terrible, it is not some cosmic sign that luck will always break against me. Believing in the possibility that pure luck could bring positive change for me created some psychic wiggle room for me, because I didn't have to put everything in my own hands, hands that felt inadequate to the task.
I hope that you can put some confidence in the hope and compassion that we all have for you.
I would never seriously promise someone that the best is yet to come, because I cannot predict the future either. For all I know, anybody could drop dead tomorrow. But I will absolutely seriously promise that good things - things that you cannot currently viscerally imagine - are possible for you as you move into your late twenties and beyond. So many good and fun and interesting things!
posted by Salamandrous at 1:35 PM on March 3, 2022 [5 favorites]
I just wanted to jump on the "your whole life is ahead of you" bandwagon. I'm turning 40 soon. Almost everything good that's going on in my life now started after I turned 25. I anticipate that in 15 more years, I may feel somewhat similarly. When I look back with regret on things, it's things that I decided I was too old to start out on, right around your current age.
Like Salamandrous, I would never tell someone that the best is yet to come, because I don't know that. BUT! Twenty-five is not too late to put some things in motion that will build on the very good and difficult work you are already doing for yourself, in unanticipated ways. Life takes surprising turns, occasionally.
posted by kensington314 at 2:48 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Like Salamandrous, I would never tell someone that the best is yet to come, because I don't know that. BUT! Twenty-five is not too late to put some things in motion that will build on the very good and difficult work you are already doing for yourself, in unanticipated ways. Life takes surprising turns, occasionally.
posted by kensington314 at 2:48 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm a little older than you--nearly 29--and I loosely consider myself a late bloomer as well. Three years ago I was a broke graduate student quite literally living in a crack house (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) who was on the verge of experiencing the worst heartbreak of her life, followed by the hardest two years of her life. This week I moved to an absolutely beautiful new apartment in a beautiful new state to start a job that pays well and sounds promising, certainly more supportive than any job I've had in the past. I never intended to start over in my late 20s, nor did I expect that I would live in a crackhouse, lose the person I expected to be my forever partner, or go through any of the other hard shit that I did these past few years.
Life has a way of throwing surprises at you--some hard, some wonderful. There is nothing wrong with taking longer to find your way. And there is nothing wrong with starting down one path, realizing it is the wrong one for you, and redirecting.
It's remarkably flawed to tell yourself that it's too late already, or that you're going to be stuck in retail forever, or any of these other extreme statements that you're letting dictate your life right now. If you open yourself up to it and keep pursuing opportunities when they arrive, you could have a beautiful life waiting for you, one that's full of wonderful surprises. But if you box yourself in, as you are here, this will indeed become your reality. You pick what comes next.
Good luck.
posted by Amy93 at 4:25 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Life has a way of throwing surprises at you--some hard, some wonderful. There is nothing wrong with taking longer to find your way. And there is nothing wrong with starting down one path, realizing it is the wrong one for you, and redirecting.
It's remarkably flawed to tell yourself that it's too late already, or that you're going to be stuck in retail forever, or any of these other extreme statements that you're letting dictate your life right now. If you open yourself up to it and keep pursuing opportunities when they arrive, you could have a beautiful life waiting for you, one that's full of wonderful surprises. But if you box yourself in, as you are here, this will indeed become your reality. You pick what comes next.
Good luck.
posted by Amy93 at 4:25 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Look, you aren't "too late" or "too early," but right on time for you. Yes many people graduate from college at an younger age than you will, but there are also many people who graduate from college at an older age than you. Also keep in mind that graduating college at 21 or 22 requires of lot of life circumstances to work out in one's favor.
Also what's the rush? The people who accomplish things "first" don't always end up the happiest in the long run. I believe that people who had to work harder and longer for X tend to appreciate X more... folks who earned things on "easy" mode often don't fully appreciate them.
I suggest reaching out to folks at your school for assistance. Go to the professor's office hours so the professor knows you are trying. Ask the professor for advice on how students like you have been successful in the course. Also your school probably has a Dean or an office somewhere to help struggling students. Also check out the LGBTQ+ resource center on campus for support. Even most cynically, a university wants its students to graduate, because it makes their metrics look bad when students don't.
Anon, this internet stranger believes in you.
posted by oceano at 7:06 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also what's the rush? The people who accomplish things "first" don't always end up the happiest in the long run. I believe that people who had to work harder and longer for X tend to appreciate X more... folks who earned things on "easy" mode often don't fully appreciate them.
I suggest reaching out to folks at your school for assistance. Go to the professor's office hours so the professor knows you are trying. Ask the professor for advice on how students like you have been successful in the course. Also your school probably has a Dean or an office somewhere to help struggling students. Also check out the LGBTQ+ resource center on campus for support. Even most cynically, a university wants its students to graduate, because it makes their metrics look bad when students don't.
Anon, this internet stranger believes in you.
posted by oceano at 7:06 PM on March 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just chiming in on that "past my prime" line that stood out a mile. I've recently dated several ladies around 50 and i can assure you they're very much in their prime. I recently read an article that said women feel happiest and most satisfied between 55 and 75. So please don't whatever you do torment yourself by thinking you're not young and with plenty of time to do whatever you choose
posted by tillsbury at 7:16 PM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by tillsbury at 7:16 PM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am dropping by to say 25 is the worst birthday. It totally sucks, and you are way too alone, to not be an ascetic. 25 is way young still, lots of room to fill out and find joy. Take the time for the little gifts, birds, clouds, sunset change of season, and feeling safe and at home, inside your self.
posted by Oyéah at 8:16 PM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 8:16 PM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
There’s an old saying… “Ps get degrees”. That piece of paper is your foot in the door, and everything from that point on is based on your work performance, not your academics.
posted by robcorr at 9:35 PM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by robcorr at 9:35 PM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
You need older friends. I have friends both two decades younger and two decades older than me and everything in between, and it makes such an enormous difference in perspective and having people there who know how to have two way friendships. College and your twenties are rife with the message that it’s too late - whatever that means - but that message does let up. And you can help it let up by making some older friends. Established communities are great for this. You don’t need to volunteer, just get involved with folk music, or contra dance, or local farming, or fiber arts guilds or rocket building or senior hiking or a religious group. Somewhere with a broad cross section of people. Bring a casserole to potlucks and sit next to someone you don’t know, and if you are lucky you’ll find someone in their sixties who is starting something brand new and you will have the sense of peace that life is long and full of possibilities and you will find your people.
posted by Bottlecap at 11:02 PM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 11:02 PM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
It's never too late! Middle-aged, chronic late-bloomer here; I also had a quarter-life crisis exacerbated by lack of resources and support. Honestly, there wasn't any waypoint I passed where I felt like I truly 'came into my own' as an adult. I still don't feel like an adult at 54. My Dad says he doesn't feel like an adult at 82!
I've slowly come to realize that it's never too late. Life keeps trundling along, with many different seasons. I'm learning to lean into the good ones--it's easy to dismiss them when life is generally a struggle. This time of your life will pass, I promise. I can't promise it'll be 100% smooth sailing, but I'll be rooting for you.
Please take heart in the things you have already achieved: leaving an abusive home, starting a side business, nearly finishing school. It can be easy to dismiss the things you've achieved when you're in the thick of it.
P.S. Try not to worry too much about your GPA. Once this time of life passes it becomes less and less of a factor.
posted by horsegnut at 4:31 AM on March 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've slowly come to realize that it's never too late. Life keeps trundling along, with many different seasons. I'm learning to lean into the good ones--it's easy to dismiss them when life is generally a struggle. This time of your life will pass, I promise. I can't promise it'll be 100% smooth sailing, but I'll be rooting for you.
Please take heart in the things you have already achieved: leaving an abusive home, starting a side business, nearly finishing school. It can be easy to dismiss the things you've achieved when you're in the thick of it.
P.S. Try not to worry too much about your GPA. Once this time of life passes it becomes less and less of a factor.
posted by horsegnut at 4:31 AM on March 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
This 56-year-old queer Autistic person echoes so much of what was said above and says you are going to be fine. You’re being hard on yourself and judging yourself by mainstream metrics that aren’t built for you. I’m a Buddhist and a meditator so I would suggest you look into lovingkindness (metta) and self-compassion meditation for yourself. Also follow social accounts like The Nap Ministry and Dr. Devon Price to absorb an alternate point of view.
posted by matildaben at 10:00 AM on March 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by matildaben at 10:00 AM on March 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by firstdaffodils at 8:36 PM on March 2, 2022