Why can't I break up with this person?
February 19, 2022 7:41 AM Subscribe
I'm always about to breakup, but then can't bring myself to do the conversation.
I've been on about ten dates with someone. I like them, but I don't love them. We have a lot in common, but also some big differences that have led me to realize that we're probably not a fit long term. I've talked about this person so much with my friends that they're wondering why we're still dating. But the making out and sex is so good! And he's really nice! And he cooks great meals!
I literally have a text drafted that I've not been able to send multiple times. And then he invites me to a cool thing. So I table it for the moment. And then I tell myself "I will ask these questions" on the next date, and surprise surprise I learn that we're even more incompatible. So I try to break up but he texts me on Valentine's and asks me out the following day. No one wants to break up on Valentine's! Today is the window of time, and in the past hour I've STILL not been able to send it. And then I feel really guilty and icky and annoyed at myself.
Why is this so hard for me to send? This is usually not the case for me, but it's becoming really frustrating.
I've been on about ten dates with someone. I like them, but I don't love them. We have a lot in common, but also some big differences that have led me to realize that we're probably not a fit long term. I've talked about this person so much with my friends that they're wondering why we're still dating. But the making out and sex is so good! And he's really nice! And he cooks great meals!
I literally have a text drafted that I've not been able to send multiple times. And then he invites me to a cool thing. So I table it for the moment. And then I tell myself "I will ask these questions" on the next date, and surprise surprise I learn that we're even more incompatible. So I try to break up but he texts me on Valentine's and asks me out the following day. No one wants to break up on Valentine's! Today is the window of time, and in the past hour I've STILL not been able to send it. And then I feel really guilty and icky and annoyed at myself.
Why is this so hard for me to send? This is usually not the case for me, but it's becoming really frustrating.
Response by poster: Awesome! Yeah I guess my challenge is that I don’t really like casually dating. It’s not my vibe, especially when sex is involved. I could even share my dilemma and be like hey I’m not sure if we’re a fit; I’m having fun; but I don’t do casual dating
posted by pando11 at 7:53 AM on February 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by pando11 at 7:53 AM on February 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
I mean, it sounds a little like you DO like casually dating (maybe this is the first time it's been fulfilling), and that's why this is difficult. It's healthy to recognize that the things we like don't always align with our long term goals, but you are also allowed to like having great sex with an imperfect guy who makes interesting plans just like you're allowed to like eating ice cream for breakfast. My only point is as long as you're being honest, there's nothing wrong with whatever you choose to do. Please don't feel guilty or icky for having a fun time.
posted by phunniemee at 7:58 AM on February 19, 2022 [34 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 7:58 AM on February 19, 2022 [34 favorites]
Maybe you can't send it because you don't want to send it? You say you don't do casual dating, but that is what you are doing and appear to be enjoying. You say you are incompatible, but he invites you to "cool things". Not everyone thinks those things are "cool" - you and he do. That makes you...compatible? Same for "cooks great food" and "great sex" etc.
Maybe self-reflection moment?
One anecdote for you - my husband and I of 10 (omg!) years often joke about how we don't like the same things. But he is a great cook! And you know, other stuff....
posted by Toddles at 8:02 AM on February 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
Maybe self-reflection moment?
One anecdote for you - my husband and I of 10 (omg!) years often joke about how we don't like the same things. But he is a great cook! And you know, other stuff....
posted by Toddles at 8:02 AM on February 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
If you should ever decide to do it, why a text message? seems like after ten dates, no matter how serious or casual, it at least merits a conversation..
posted by elgee at 8:12 AM on February 19, 2022 [24 favorites]
posted by elgee at 8:12 AM on February 19, 2022 [24 favorites]
It sounds like you don't want to break up right now.
These incompatibilities. Are they deal-breakers, or a checklist you have about your future? He's nice, the physical connection is good, you enjoy spending time together... that sounds like compatibility to me.
How is the conflict management? Does he pay attention to you and value your happiness and who you really are and what is important to you?
If these differences are a matter of taste or culture, and your friends disapprove because they think you should be with someone more like you and them... the problem might be your friends!
If the differences are on future preferences like... "I want to live in the country someday and he's said he'll never leave the city" maybe talk about it? People change... he could. You could!
If the differences are moral or too important to you, ie kids, social or religious values, conflict resolution, potentially abusive behavior, maybe steel yourself and end it.
Whatever you do, don't let your friend's ideas of what your boyfriend should be like be the reason you end a good thing.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:18 AM on February 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
These incompatibilities. Are they deal-breakers, or a checklist you have about your future? He's nice, the physical connection is good, you enjoy spending time together... that sounds like compatibility to me.
How is the conflict management? Does he pay attention to you and value your happiness and who you really are and what is important to you?
If these differences are a matter of taste or culture, and your friends disapprove because they think you should be with someone more like you and them... the problem might be your friends!
If the differences are on future preferences like... "I want to live in the country someday and he's said he'll never leave the city" maybe talk about it? People change... he could. You could!
If the differences are moral or too important to you, ie kids, social or religious values, conflict resolution, potentially abusive behavior, maybe steel yourself and end it.
Whatever you do, don't let your friend's ideas of what your boyfriend should be like be the reason you end a good thing.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:18 AM on February 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
Sounds like you have physical and some emotional intimacy. You might be struggling with this because it’s seems like maybe it’s post-text. Which is to say, a bit jarring to ditch this guy via text at this point. Have a conversation.
And yeah, a lot of us are curious about what the incompatibilities are!
posted by bluedaisy at 8:26 AM on February 19, 2022
And yeah, a lot of us are curious about what the incompatibilities are!
posted by bluedaisy at 8:26 AM on February 19, 2022
Good heavens, don't do it by text. Your gut is telling you that he feels (rightly) that you are closer than that.
posted by amtho at 8:34 AM on February 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 8:34 AM on February 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Ok I’ll share the incompatibilities because so many of you are curious - it’s mostly political views. It sounds like he broke up with his ex over the exact same issue. He’s also not super keen about my job or my family’s job (and my career is super important to me). There’s weird comments he makes sometimes that are a little negative to the point where I feel like I’m a little hungover the next day. And he went traveling and barely heard a word from him. He is very recently out of a serious relationship. So yeah, little things….
I still am dating others, though!
posted by pando11 at 8:39 AM on February 19, 2022
I still am dating others, though!
posted by pando11 at 8:39 AM on February 19, 2022
Um... I think it's interesting that everyone seems to be seeing your reluctance to break things off as "you don't really want to, but think you ought to".
My reaction is from totally a different perspective.
To me, it sounds like you want to, but you're hesitant, maybe afraid to.
And that makes me want to ask you WHY.
Do you think you'll regret breaking things off? Miss HIM (his personality) and want him back? Miss the experiences you have with him? Miss the sex?
Are you afraid you won't find someone else? Or that the next someone else will be worse? Is it difficult for you to be without a relationship?
Are you afraid of his reaction? Do you (even subconsciously) expect him to be angry, vengeful, negative? Do you think he may harm himself or threaten to? Will breaking things off impact your relationships with others, like friends or relatives? Will you have to see him in a work or social environment that you're reluctant to risk?
If you're only ten dates in - even with sex - and you're getting such a negative vibe from his behavior, then you should listen to your instincts.
Wanting to break things off via text may have nothing to do with being unkind, but it may be a way of feeling SAFE. It keeps him at a distance. If that feels right, to break things off via phone or text, do it. Your first obligation is to yourself.
Just some food for thought.
If ANY of these trips any kind of an emotional reaction or recognition with you, then the sooner you get out, the better.
posted by stormyteal at 10:18 AM on February 19, 2022 [25 favorites]
My reaction is from totally a different perspective.
To me, it sounds like you want to, but you're hesitant, maybe afraid to.
And that makes me want to ask you WHY.
Do you think you'll regret breaking things off? Miss HIM (his personality) and want him back? Miss the experiences you have with him? Miss the sex?
Are you afraid you won't find someone else? Or that the next someone else will be worse? Is it difficult for you to be without a relationship?
Are you afraid of his reaction? Do you (even subconsciously) expect him to be angry, vengeful, negative? Do you think he may harm himself or threaten to? Will breaking things off impact your relationships with others, like friends or relatives? Will you have to see him in a work or social environment that you're reluctant to risk?
If you're only ten dates in - even with sex - and you're getting such a negative vibe from his behavior, then you should listen to your instincts.
Wanting to break things off via text may have nothing to do with being unkind, but it may be a way of feeling SAFE. It keeps him at a distance. If that feels right, to break things off via phone or text, do it. Your first obligation is to yourself.
Just some food for thought.
If ANY of these trips any kind of an emotional reaction or recognition with you, then the sooner you get out, the better.
posted by stormyteal at 10:18 AM on February 19, 2022 [25 favorites]
I think your ambivalence should generate some self -reflection.
Possible answers to your question:
Maybe you cannot break up with him because you don't want to. Why stop a good thing? You both are having fun! Maybe you don't have any other comparable options right now, and you'd rather have this than not this.
Maybe you are into him and, for whatever reason (opinions of your friends, who he voted for, etc.) you don't want to admit it. You'd like to pursue more with him, but you have all these fears and hesitations, so quitting him is easier...
Maybe you are a nice person who hates confrontation and avoids negative interactions. You know in your heart this guy is not for you, but you don't want to hurt his feelings.
Maybe you want a long-term relationship and don't want to "waste" time with casual sex....
My question is what do you want? You say you don't do casual dating, is that because you don't think it is good/healthy/proper? How do you respond to his weird or negative comments? Do you explain what it is problematic to you? If he changed his outlook or otherwise accommodated your perspectives in a way that satisfied you, would you be more interested?
I think you might be trying to have the perks of a more singular relationship within this casual framing, and it is causing you confusion and dissatisfaction. For example, you wanted to hear from him when he was traveling, which is indicative of what someone might want in a more committed situation. But, if you have you both agreed that this is a "fine for now" gig and there are no expectations or pressure, why would he be compelled to check in?
It has been stated upthread, and I'll agree, there is nothing wrong with casual dating or dating multiple people at the same time. Even sleeping with multiple people is perfectly fine, as long as everyone is being safe and honest.
I agree with others that a break-up via text is rude. It seems like a cop-out rather than having an adult conversation.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 10:37 AM on February 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
Possible answers to your question:
Maybe you cannot break up with him because you don't want to. Why stop a good thing? You both are having fun! Maybe you don't have any other comparable options right now, and you'd rather have this than not this.
Maybe you are into him and, for whatever reason (opinions of your friends, who he voted for, etc.) you don't want to admit it. You'd like to pursue more with him, but you have all these fears and hesitations, so quitting him is easier...
Maybe you are a nice person who hates confrontation and avoids negative interactions. You know in your heart this guy is not for you, but you don't want to hurt his feelings.
Maybe you want a long-term relationship and don't want to "waste" time with casual sex....
My question is what do you want? You say you don't do casual dating, is that because you don't think it is good/healthy/proper? How do you respond to his weird or negative comments? Do you explain what it is problematic to you? If he changed his outlook or otherwise accommodated your perspectives in a way that satisfied you, would you be more interested?
I think you might be trying to have the perks of a more singular relationship within this casual framing, and it is causing you confusion and dissatisfaction. For example, you wanted to hear from him when he was traveling, which is indicative of what someone might want in a more committed situation. But, if you have you both agreed that this is a "fine for now" gig and there are no expectations or pressure, why would he be compelled to check in?
It has been stated upthread, and I'll agree, there is nothing wrong with casual dating or dating multiple people at the same time. Even sleeping with multiple people is perfectly fine, as long as everyone is being safe and honest.
I agree with others that a break-up via text is rude. It seems like a cop-out rather than having an adult conversation.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 10:37 AM on February 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
After reading your last followup, I am on team DTMFA. It sounds like this guy makes you feel bad, despite being a “nice guy” who’s good in bed. Doesn’t sound all that nice to me.
posted by wondermouse at 11:41 AM on February 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by wondermouse at 11:41 AM on February 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
And to answer your question of why you can’t just send the text- I mean, good sex and good making out and having someone cook good food for you is enjoyable. I’m guessing you are hesitant to give those things up even if the overall package is negative.
posted by wondermouse at 11:44 AM on February 19, 2022
posted by wondermouse at 11:44 AM on February 19, 2022
If he makes cracks about your job, your family's job and your politics, despite being good in bed, good with food, and good with event planning, maybe you're just having trouble weighing the pros and cons. Just remember people you're dating are supposed to make you feel good, so how good does he make you feel, on balance, 1-10, off the top of your head?
posted by Violet Blue at 12:52 PM on February 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Violet Blue at 12:52 PM on February 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
Please don't second guess yourself. You know you want to call it off but you're getting drawn back in because this is what it's like to be with someone who isn't "all bad". It's tough. You know you're not compatible but "oh - cool event". There will always be something to pull you back in. It's almost like a drug. You have to stand your ground. I agree with the text route. If it's tough saying no to him in person (red flag) then you need to do it the only way you feel you can.
You say he's "really nice" but IMO he sounds over-opinionated (and will let a relationship die because of it), he has poor boundaries, he's a poor communicator (no contact whilst travelling), he makes you second guess yourself, he badmouths your family, he's negative, he's on the rebound, he lacks respect towards the validity of your views and he's deeply intolerant of differences. There are enough red flags for Pamplona and therefore reason enough to discontinue.
R.I.P. good sex and meals.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 3:11 PM on February 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
You say he's "really nice" but IMO he sounds over-opinionated (and will let a relationship die because of it), he has poor boundaries, he's a poor communicator (no contact whilst travelling), he makes you second guess yourself, he badmouths your family, he's negative, he's on the rebound, he lacks respect towards the validity of your views and he's deeply intolerant of differences. There are enough red flags for Pamplona and therefore reason enough to discontinue.
R.I.P. good sex and meals.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 3:11 PM on February 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oof those aren’t disagreements or incompatibilities they’re Giant Red Flags. He’s testing your boundaries about how much disrespect you are willing to tolerate, and you are right to want to get out. And he’s really practiced and good about knowing exactly when he needs to reel you back in so you don’t breathe long enough to actually break up. Wanna bet his last long term girlfriend knew early on and just couldn’t do it? Because I would take that bet for quite a bit of money.
You’re having a hard time because he has a lot of practice at keeping people entertained and feeling special. You are understandably enjoying how you are feeling in some regards and it’s suuuuper hard to put yourself first sometimes when it means giving up the feel good parts. You’re having a hard time because he’s got the art of the push/pull down and your brain starts jonesing for another hit of that cool fun guy who also leaves you feeling hung over. He’s someone who knows how to make people feel addicted despite their better judgement.
I have been there and I totally get why you are having a hard time. But you deserve someone who respects you. You deserve someone who celebrates your awesome career with you. You deserve someone who isn’t finding out how much they can push your emotional boundaries.
Break up by text, don’t feel bad about not giving him an opportunity to pull you back in. Say “our political differences are more than I am comfortable with and while I have had a great time, I don’t want my feelings to get more enmeshed.”
posted by Bottlecap at 3:36 PM on February 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
You’re having a hard time because he has a lot of practice at keeping people entertained and feeling special. You are understandably enjoying how you are feeling in some regards and it’s suuuuper hard to put yourself first sometimes when it means giving up the feel good parts. You’re having a hard time because he’s got the art of the push/pull down and your brain starts jonesing for another hit of that cool fun guy who also leaves you feeling hung over. He’s someone who knows how to make people feel addicted despite their better judgement.
I have been there and I totally get why you are having a hard time. But you deserve someone who respects you. You deserve someone who celebrates your awesome career with you. You deserve someone who isn’t finding out how much they can push your emotional boundaries.
Break up by text, don’t feel bad about not giving him an opportunity to pull you back in. Say “our political differences are more than I am comfortable with and while I have had a great time, I don’t want my feelings to get more enmeshed.”
posted by Bottlecap at 3:36 PM on February 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
Thanks for sharing the additional context. Those are excellent reasons not to move forward! Especially the digs about your job and the other negativities! These are exactly the kinds of things we should be looking for in early dating.
I think you are struggling because you do like this guy, especially the physical intimacy and the cooking and some other things you have in common. Maybe it will be easier to think about ending it if you accept that there are things you do like, and it will be sad not to share those with him moving forward. It's been great to get to know him, and there are many things you like about him, but you don't think you're on the same page for the long term.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:31 PM on February 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think you are struggling because you do like this guy, especially the physical intimacy and the cooking and some other things you have in common. Maybe it will be easier to think about ending it if you accept that there are things you do like, and it will be sad not to share those with him moving forward. It's been great to get to know him, and there are many things you like about him, but you don't think you're on the same page for the long term.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:31 PM on February 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think you’re afraid you can’t find someone better but you will!! And being alone is better than being with a bad match: a few good characteristics are not enough. Someone being disparaging about my job or family is absolutely a reason why I’d break-up with someone.
I know you’ve been struggling with this for awhile so I wish you good luck!! I hope you can trust your heart and your gut more because that’s most important, not the advice of your friends or us here. You deserve peace and happiness!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:20 AM on February 20, 2022
I know you’ve been struggling with this for awhile so I wish you good luck!! I hope you can trust your heart and your gut more because that’s most important, not the advice of your friends or us here. You deserve peace and happiness!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:20 AM on February 20, 2022
Also, as some others have said, it’s totally ok to break up with someone via text. It’s not ideal but ok if you are too scared to see them again. He’s been mean to you so I’d be kind of scared to do so in person too! I had someone break up with me via text a few months ago and, while it was kinda shitty, I also understand and forgive them for not being braver in the moment. Better to break up asap rather than prolong your discomfort or their cluelessness.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:22 AM on February 20, 2022
posted by smorgasbord at 10:22 AM on February 20, 2022
it's so early that you don't have to break up with him, you just have to stop seeing him. you can accomplish this by saying No Thanks to the next 3-5 invitations he sends you (politely, clearly, without explanation and ABSOLUTELY without false promises to do something else instead some other time). after that, you are clear to stop replying to him without fear of the dreaded "ghosting" accusation. I mean, you will be accused of it, but who gives a shit.
I am assuming that the reason you "can't" send a confrontational/formal rejection text is one part real ambivalence, one part worry that you might change your mind and not be able to take it back, and two parts awareness that such a thing is awkward at best, will probably be deeply uncomfortable on both ends, and worst case he might get nasty. so if you really feel unable to announce your departure, just fade out and slip away.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:41 PM on February 20, 2022
I am assuming that the reason you "can't" send a confrontational/formal rejection text is one part real ambivalence, one part worry that you might change your mind and not be able to take it back, and two parts awareness that such a thing is awkward at best, will probably be deeply uncomfortable on both ends, and worst case he might get nasty. so if you really feel unable to announce your departure, just fade out and slip away.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:41 PM on February 20, 2022
Response by poster: Update: broke up via text. I wasn’t scared of him or anything. I just didn’t want to really spend more time in person. He was pretty gracious and I felt kind of bad afterwards. But woke up this morning feeling relieved which is a good sign. But single again…mid 30s…it’s not awesome :( thanks for your support!
posted by pando11 at 7:07 AM on February 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by pando11 at 7:07 AM on February 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
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Now, if this guy is talking about future plans with you and you just nod along and blithely agree that a townhouse on the east coast would be lovely and your first child will be named either Theodore or Caroline, then that would be a problem. That would be dishonest.
Keep on going on these dates if you're getting what you need from them. If the relationship starts seriousing up, then you should speak up. "I'm having a ton of fun with you right now, I don't see this progressing into a long term relationship. Are you happy to keep things casual?" or similar is one way to say that.
posted by phunniemee at 7:51 AM on February 19, 2022 [18 favorites]