Stories on reproductive failure
February 17, 2022 7:02 PM Subscribe
Hi everyone. I am a woman in her mid-twenties who has a maladied reproductive system. I don't love myself at the moment, but I would like to.
I have had two instances of cancer in my womb. My uterus is currently intact but in the event that the sarcoma reoccurs, I will have to undergo a complete hysterectomy.
I am fearful that I will be seen as defected, spoiled goods, unfeminine. I know these things are never true, but there is a part of me that is afraid that my partner will leave me for a woman who can bear children, who is whole - even though he says he doesn't want them. He jokes that we won't need to spend money on birth control, and it feels like I've been stabbed. I don't know why.
I love my nephew, but when I hold him I want to cry. So I don't. He was a product of love - I can feel that. It's twisted, but I cant help to think that we won't have anything to show for our love. I've never been desperate for children, but I want to have the ability to choose.
And that may be ripped out of my hands, and I don't know how to cope. Before you ask, I am seeing a therapist, but she's new to me, and before we even get to the fertility-related issues we have a laundry list of past trauma to unearth and bad habits to unlearn.
Can you tell me how you fought this fight, and won?
I have had two instances of cancer in my womb. My uterus is currently intact but in the event that the sarcoma reoccurs, I will have to undergo a complete hysterectomy.
I am fearful that I will be seen as defected, spoiled goods, unfeminine. I know these things are never true, but there is a part of me that is afraid that my partner will leave me for a woman who can bear children, who is whole - even though he says he doesn't want them. He jokes that we won't need to spend money on birth control, and it feels like I've been stabbed. I don't know why.
I love my nephew, but when I hold him I want to cry. So I don't. He was a product of love - I can feel that. It's twisted, but I cant help to think that we won't have anything to show for our love. I've never been desperate for children, but I want to have the ability to choose.
And that may be ripped out of my hands, and I don't know how to cope. Before you ask, I am seeing a therapist, but she's new to me, and before we even get to the fertility-related issues we have a laundry list of past trauma to unearth and bad habits to unlearn.
Can you tell me how you fought this fight, and won?
I’m sending you the biggest hug and am so sorry you’re going through this. When I was in my mid-twenties I thought about most things (esp. having kids) as very “all or nothing.” It was so deeply ingrained in my head that I would want to carry and give birth to biological children that I think, if I had received similar news at that age I would have felt like it was the end of the world.
Gently, it’s not.
Now that I’m in my late 30’s and have had all manner of reproductive nonsense happen, I’m… more flexible and open-minded about what may or may not happen reproductively for me. I still want kids but feel less attached to carrying them, and actually feel excited by all the different possible ways that loving/raising babies can happen. It has helped a lot to seek out stories of people who have had children in non-heteronormative ways: trans people, solo parents by choice, adoptive families, straight couples who went through IVF, etc. People have babies in so many different ways, and your reproductive options are neither limited by nor indicative of your gender and how “feminine” you are.
Also, sorry if I’m not fully understanding the medical picture, but would freezing your eggs be an option?
posted by sleepingwithcats at 7:39 PM on February 17, 2022 [12 favorites]
Gently, it’s not.
Now that I’m in my late 30’s and have had all manner of reproductive nonsense happen, I’m… more flexible and open-minded about what may or may not happen reproductively for me. I still want kids but feel less attached to carrying them, and actually feel excited by all the different possible ways that loving/raising babies can happen. It has helped a lot to seek out stories of people who have had children in non-heteronormative ways: trans people, solo parents by choice, adoptive families, straight couples who went through IVF, etc. People have babies in so many different ways, and your reproductive options are neither limited by nor indicative of your gender and how “feminine” you are.
Also, sorry if I’m not fully understanding the medical picture, but would freezing your eggs be an option?
posted by sleepingwithcats at 7:39 PM on February 17, 2022 [12 favorites]
I was about your age when I developed a joint issue that meant I couldn't run (dance, play sports...). The sheer similarity and intensity of the broken feeling you describe took me right back there. You might look at resources for medical shocks and coping with disability, because what happened here isn't just infertility but it's that first terrifying, betraying encounter with your own fragility and mortality. Something is wrong with you and it is limiting you in ways you didn't expect to be limited, and that is a terrifying wall to walk in to wherever you find it.
(FWIW, I too had to ask my partner not to make jokes about it again. He wasn't troubled by my limitations and it never occurred to him that I would be. So I had to tell him. Getting him to recognize it was a sensitive area and to be gentle around it helped a lot. So did time and developing new hobbies and directions for my energy.)
posted by Lady Li at 12:23 AM on February 18, 2022 [12 favorites]
(FWIW, I too had to ask my partner not to make jokes about it again. He wasn't troubled by my limitations and it never occurred to him that I would be. So I had to tell him. Getting him to recognize it was a sensitive area and to be gentle around it helped a lot. So did time and developing new hobbies and directions for my energy.)
posted by Lady Li at 12:23 AM on February 18, 2022 [12 favorites]
Agree with others that it is key to ask your partner to stop communicating with you in hurtful ways and start putting more effort to relate in supportive ones. Feeling stabbed while grieving a loss / suffering from a deep wound is not helpful.
“I don't love myself at the moment, but I would like to.”
I'm going to zero in on this part above because I think I can help with this. I actually see a lot of awareness and hope in this statement. You understand where you are and where you want to get to.
A tool I often use in these situations is called a Thought Ladder. It's a gradual way of getting from a place of unwanted thinking, to more neutral ways of thinking, to desired ways of thinking. In your case, it sounds like you want to go from a current thought of ‘I don't love myself’ to ‘I love myself’. That's not a single step. You must pass through lots of intermediate thoughts to work your way up to ‘I love myself’. This means identifying what those intermediate thoughts are. Then once you have your ‘ladder of thoughts’, you work your way up, only moving to the next rung when you truly believe the thought on the rung you're currently on. Your ladder might look something like this (below) — you'll want to adjust these thoughts to ones that make sense for you (and that you want to believe, even if you don't believe them yet):
Goal thought (top of ladder): I love myself completely
Rung #5: I can accept every part of myself, with love
Rung #4: I am learning how to accept myself the way I am, and seeing positive signs of my progress
Rung #3: I am capable of accepting myself, even if I don't know how yet
Rung #2: [I want you to challenge yourself to come up with a thought here]*
Rung #1: I recognise that my fears of being seen as defected, spoiled goods, or unfeminine are getting in the way of being able to love myself and I want to work on understanding that better.
Current thought (ground level): I don't love myself.
*The thoughts you put in the ladder could start with ‘It's possible that…’, ‘I could learn to…’, ‘Other people have been able to…, so that means…’, or anything else your brain comes up with!
I also wrote up a thing with suggestions on how to practice new thoughts, if that's helpful to you. The link is in my profile.
Also want to add to be extra kind to yourself, more so than you think you can take or deserve. There may be grief, loss, anger, betrayal (within ourselves, about our bodies), shame, and pain to process. But also love, acceptance, and peace. There may be moments when these things co-exist, when others take over, or when you can't feel at all. Try to notice without judging yourself for any of this. Just notice
posted by iamkimiam at 1:48 AM on February 18, 2022 [23 favorites]
“I don't love myself at the moment, but I would like to.”
I'm going to zero in on this part above because I think I can help with this. I actually see a lot of awareness and hope in this statement. You understand where you are and where you want to get to.
A tool I often use in these situations is called a Thought Ladder. It's a gradual way of getting from a place of unwanted thinking, to more neutral ways of thinking, to desired ways of thinking. In your case, it sounds like you want to go from a current thought of ‘I don't love myself’ to ‘I love myself’. That's not a single step. You must pass through lots of intermediate thoughts to work your way up to ‘I love myself’. This means identifying what those intermediate thoughts are. Then once you have your ‘ladder of thoughts’, you work your way up, only moving to the next rung when you truly believe the thought on the rung you're currently on. Your ladder might look something like this (below) — you'll want to adjust these thoughts to ones that make sense for you (and that you want to believe, even if you don't believe them yet):
Goal thought (top of ladder): I love myself completely
Rung #5: I can accept every part of myself, with love
Rung #4: I am learning how to accept myself the way I am, and seeing positive signs of my progress
Rung #3: I am capable of accepting myself, even if I don't know how yet
Rung #2: [I want you to challenge yourself to come up with a thought here]*
Rung #1: I recognise that my fears of being seen as defected, spoiled goods, or unfeminine are getting in the way of being able to love myself and I want to work on understanding that better.
Current thought (ground level): I don't love myself.
*The thoughts you put in the ladder could start with ‘It's possible that…’, ‘I could learn to…’, ‘Other people have been able to…, so that means…’, or anything else your brain comes up with!
I also wrote up a thing with suggestions on how to practice new thoughts, if that's helpful to you. The link is in my profile.
Also want to add to be extra kind to yourself, more so than you think you can take or deserve. There may be grief, loss, anger, betrayal (within ourselves, about our bodies), shame, and pain to process. But also love, acceptance, and peace. There may be moments when these things co-exist, when others take over, or when you can't feel at all. Try to notice without judging yourself for any of this. Just notice
posted by iamkimiam at 1:48 AM on February 18, 2022 [23 favorites]
We went through seven years of infertility, many failed (and invasive) treatments, two miscarriages, and eventually conceived and carried to term via egg donation.
Grappling with not being able to conceive on my own, then not being able to conceive with my own eggs, then not being able to carry to term felt like having the rug pulled out from under me over and over.
On top of that, I'm now disabled.
Traumatic as all hell, y'all.
Anyway. It's not like getting what I wanted erased the trauma, and I'm learning to adjust and cope and love the body I have.
I agree that the jokes aren't appropriate. I've told my husband not to do it, even if it comforts him, because he's soothing himself at my expense. No ribbing about having only one child (it's not physically doable to have more), no jokes about my body, really ever. I'm too weary for banter, I want refuge.
Coming to terms with your body is a process. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by champers at 4:43 AM on February 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
Grappling with not being able to conceive on my own, then not being able to conceive with my own eggs, then not being able to carry to term felt like having the rug pulled out from under me over and over.
On top of that, I'm now disabled.
Traumatic as all hell, y'all.
Anyway. It's not like getting what I wanted erased the trauma, and I'm learning to adjust and cope and love the body I have.
I agree that the jokes aren't appropriate. I've told my husband not to do it, even if it comforts him, because he's soothing himself at my expense. No ribbing about having only one child (it's not physically doable to have more), no jokes about my body, really ever. I'm too weary for banter, I want refuge.
Coming to terms with your body is a process. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by champers at 4:43 AM on February 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry. You might get some comfort from the book Living the Life Unexpected: How to find hope, meaning and a fulfilling future without children by Jody Day. She also has a lot of online and IRL resources - forums and workshops etc, which might be helpful.
I don't know if they're right for you or not, as they're aimed at people who know they're not going to be able to have the children they want, and you're dealing more with that difficult uncertainty. But I think they might help you recognise that not being able to have the kids you desperately want is actually surprisingly common, and there's a whole community of people out there who do survive it (even when they thought they couldn't) and even thrive afterwards.
He jokes that we won't need to spend money on birth control, and it feels like I've been stabbed. I don't know why.
I know why. It's because he's joking about something that's the most upsetting thing in the world to you. He's trying to help, it doesn't make him bad, but you're allowed to tell him that you don't want him to joke about it any more, that it hurts you rather than helping you.
posted by penguin pie at 4:48 AM on February 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
I don't know if they're right for you or not, as they're aimed at people who know they're not going to be able to have the children they want, and you're dealing more with that difficult uncertainty. But I think they might help you recognise that not being able to have the kids you desperately want is actually surprisingly common, and there's a whole community of people out there who do survive it (even when they thought they couldn't) and even thrive afterwards.
He jokes that we won't need to spend money on birth control, and it feels like I've been stabbed. I don't know why.
I know why. It's because he's joking about something that's the most upsetting thing in the world to you. He's trying to help, it doesn't make him bad, but you're allowed to tell him that you don't want him to joke about it any more, that it hurts you rather than helping you.
posted by penguin pie at 4:48 AM on February 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
People have covered telling your partner not to joke about this, but I wonder, have you told your partner yet how upset you are over this? If not, or even if you've only told him some half-truth about how you're feeling, step one (assuming he is someone you feel safe with) is to let him know how this is impacting you - even if in the process you end up sobbing. You should also feel okay about doing this with your parents, siblings, etc. Talking it about it with people who care about you will make it sting a bit less.
Also: part of me that is afraid that my partner will leave me for a woman who can bear children
I mean, I don't know your partner so I can't promise you anything about him, but I know many men who genuinely do not want kids or are genuinely neutral about the whole idea or who are fine with the idea of adoption. Such men exist, so even if you and your current boyfriend breakup at some point, there will be other men out there.
The Death, Sex, and Money podcast did a few episodes on infertility - this is one of them where a range of women share their experiences and different outcomes, if listening to others might be helpful.
Finally: I am seeing a therapist, but she's new to me, and before we even get to the fertility-related issues we have a laundry list of past trauma to unearth and bad habits to unlearn.
If this is making you so sad that you are unable to hold your nephew, a person you love, because you're afraid of crying, I think that warrants telling your therapist. Maybe your therapist will say, "Ok, we'll get to that later" or maybe they'll decide it's worth spending at least a session discussing - in any case, it will be helpful if they are aware of it.
posted by coffeecat at 8:18 AM on February 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
Also: part of me that is afraid that my partner will leave me for a woman who can bear children
I mean, I don't know your partner so I can't promise you anything about him, but I know many men who genuinely do not want kids or are genuinely neutral about the whole idea or who are fine with the idea of adoption. Such men exist, so even if you and your current boyfriend breakup at some point, there will be other men out there.
The Death, Sex, and Money podcast did a few episodes on infertility - this is one of them where a range of women share their experiences and different outcomes, if listening to others might be helpful.
Finally: I am seeing a therapist, but she's new to me, and before we even get to the fertility-related issues we have a laundry list of past trauma to unearth and bad habits to unlearn.
If this is making you so sad that you are unable to hold your nephew, a person you love, because you're afraid of crying, I think that warrants telling your therapist. Maybe your therapist will say, "Ok, we'll get to that later" or maybe they'll decide it's worth spending at least a session discussing - in any case, it will be helpful if they are aware of it.
posted by coffeecat at 8:18 AM on February 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
I am seeing a therapist, but she's new to me, and before we even get to the fertility-related issues we have a laundry list of past trauma to unearth and bad habits to unlearn.
May I gently suggest that you push back against this assumption? I've spent a lot of time in therapy, both childhood and adult, and the idea that "I need to work through [x] before I can address [y]" is something I have come to recognize as unhelpful and counterproductive.
Whatever you're working with at the moment, whatever is causing you difficulty right now, that's something worth discussing with your therapist.
posted by Lexica at 10:38 AM on February 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
May I gently suggest that you push back against this assumption? I've spent a lot of time in therapy, both childhood and adult, and the idea that "I need to work through [x] before I can address [y]" is something I have come to recognize as unhelpful and counterproductive.
Whatever you're working with at the moment, whatever is causing you difficulty right now, that's something worth discussing with your therapist.
posted by Lexica at 10:38 AM on February 18, 2022 [9 favorites]
I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. As a joyfully childless woman, I've had a number of friends who are mothers telling me that they felt motherhood 'neutered' them, and bemoaning that I was so 'feminine.' Just as a datapoint, I don't believe this ... I've always been secure in my identity, but food for thought if it's helpful to you in reframing this. Big hugs.
posted by cyndigo at 5:17 PM on February 18, 2022
posted by cyndigo at 5:17 PM on February 18, 2022
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As a small first step, can your partner stop joking about birth control around you? Some people use black humor as a coping mechanism, so it's not necessarily malicious, but it's hurtful to you right now and he needs to stop.
posted by basalganglia at 7:28 PM on February 17, 2022 [14 favorites]