What do I do if my roommates boyfriend does drugs?

February 4, 2022 6:12 PM

My roommates boyfriend struggles with drug addiction. I’m concerned about the legal risk if something was ever found in the house. What should I do?

We have a while till our lease is up. She doesn’t appear concerned for her own legal risk, but i feel like she should be?

I have no right to tell her who to date, but I do have a right to feel comfortable in my home.

What risk am I in legally? What’s appropriate here?

posted by ygmiaa to Human Relations (25 answers total)

do you mean adderall abuse? more than a little weed? occasional shrooms?

I'll tell you this: if it's meth or junk, you need to gtfo before he steals and sells your shit. first hand knowledge. an attorney can help you get out of the lease; $50 well spent for a consult. as far as legal liability for you, i can't help.
posted by j_curiouser at 6:44 PM on February 4, 2022 [15 favorites]

Yeah, what drugs you're talking about really matters. If your roommates boyfriend is addicted to something serious (cocaine, meth, opioids, etc.) the bigger risk is being subjected to his erratic behavior, which could be violent (verbal or physical) or could result him stealing from you (as already noted). As for your legal risk, while IANAL this seems very unlikely. You can just claim you didn't know anything about him, he's not your boyfriend after all. However if your landlord was to find anything carelessly left out, that will likely violate your lease.

However if this is just pot we're talking about, I wouldn't worry, except to make sure anytime the landlord comes by there is no sign of it.

All of that said - it sounds like you are uncomfortable with this situation, and I'd tell your roommate this, and make clear that if her boyfriend doesn't stop using drugs in the apartment, you're going to start looking for a new housing situation. And then also post an add looking for a subletter at the same time. And then going forward, the takeaway from this experience is that drug use is a topic you need to discuss with all future roommates to make sure you're on the same page.
posted by coffeecat at 7:01 PM on February 4, 2022 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I should’ve been more specific—it’s hard drugs.
posted by ygmiaa at 7:02 PM on February 4, 2022

what hard drugs specifically? most drug users are not "visible" drug users, and it isn't always a problem.
posted by Ahmad Khani at 7:26 PM on February 4, 2022 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: I’m not sure of all of them, but I know Cocaine and acid for sure.

I don’t know what you mean by visible, but it seems to me as long as they’re on them there’s a chance of erratic behavior.
posted by ygmiaa at 7:29 PM on February 4, 2022

I mean, most people that use drugs, even hard drugs, have perfectly ‘normal’ functioning lives. Can certainly be erratic without using substances.
posted by Ahmad Khani at 8:19 PM on February 4, 2022 [8 favorites]

Coke is one thing, acid is something totally different in terms of generating long term paranoid delusions. Individual consumption probably won't get a no-knock visit, but his mental stability is going to make daily life difficult. Kick him. It will save you a lot of grief.
posted by ptm at 8:29 PM on February 4, 2022

I'm going to hard disagree with ptm re: LSD.

OP: it really depends on your jurisdiction, but in general, legally, someone else in a "household" possessing scheduled substances shouldn't impact you unless you appear to be be in cahoots with them.

The worry is their meta behaviour around scheduled substances (because of the primary and knock-on effects of the substance(s) and their behaviour in response to the illegality of possessing such substances).

Someone who spends some time in your share domicile who holds weed, or even an eightball of cocaine, isn't a problem for you - legally/ police-wise.

Unless they're cutting large amounts of cocaine or pressing pills or growing too many Cannabis plants and selling from your shared domicile, you're completely in the clear.

"What risk am I in legally? What’s appropriate here?"

Nil.

Tell your roommate that you think that her boyfriend is a skeezeball and you don't like that he possesses/ consumes scheduled/ illegal substances in your shared space.
posted by porpoise at 8:54 PM on February 4, 2022 [24 favorites]

IMHO, the problem here is gonna be the coke, and there it’s gonna depend on dose/frequency.

…because porpoise is correct that your general legal risk (assuming you’re not in some absurdly backwards [conservative/republican/nationalist] jurisdiction) is minimal if you have plausible deniability , so then it’s gonna boil down to individual behavior and are they stealing your shit.

Past a certain point coke users will steal your shit. That point arrives sooner if they’re doing opioids or meth. IME, meth is fastest for the “cool guy” to “sketchy guy” conversion.

Psychedelics, on the other hand, IME never cause a problem except insofar as someone telling you how amazing you are and how your carpet is just ridiculously great is a problem.

I’ve done a lot, like seriously a lot, of things (some of which you’ve probably not even heard of), and the top three things that worry me about someone are Meth, Heroin, and Coke. The rest pale in comparison (alcohol is #4 btw).

This is not legal advice and I am not a lawyer, but I am intimately familiar with a shit-ton of friendly chemicals.
posted by aramaic at 9:25 PM on February 4, 2022 [28 favorites]

People here are a little sanguine. If you're in any population subject to police harassment, you don't want them finding hard stuff in your house. They can make your life very difficult on that basis even if they'd have trouble in the end proving that you were the one holding. And you would surely be evicted on those grounds.

As a practical matter, is your bigger risk sharing space with someone who is likely to have no values at all as against getting well? Sure. But I still wouldn't have that shit in my house. He can use at his own place.
posted by praemunire at 11:44 PM on February 4, 2022 [23 favorites]

I mean, coke and acid users make up about 90% of the population of the Bay Area so this doesn't feel like a big deal to me, but I don't know you, him, or your situation so this could all feel and present differently. But in general, no, you personally would not be liable if a houseguest was found to be in possession of substances.

Tell roommate that you aren't comfortable wiith drug use in your home. If she doesn't respond in an accommodating way, then I would follow the above suggestion to get out of your lease and move.
posted by ananci at 2:47 AM on February 5, 2022 [8 favorites]

I would agree that you’re likely not in a ton of actual legal risk, but potentially looking at a lot of pain-in-the-ass risk while the cops or whoever figure out who the drugs belong to and what they can and can’t pin on you. You’re not unreasonable to not want to put yourself at risk of that, especially if you are someone cops are likely to shitty to anyway based on demographic factors.

It would be perfectly reasonable to ask that there not be drugs in your shared home. But realistically, let’s assume she agrees and they promise he’ll never have drugs on him in your home - are you ever really going to be certain that’s true? Are you going to frisk the guy? You’re never really going to know, and if you worry enough to ask the question here, I suspect that you’re going to keep worrying. You might want to think through whether lease breaking is an option for you.

(For whatever it’s worth, I would lose zero sleep worrying about someone on acid stealing my shit or whatever. Coke, maybe, dependent on many other factors.)
posted by Stacey at 5:00 AM on February 5, 2022 [2 favorites]

I’d be concerned about personal comfort/safety/annoyance levels as much as or more than legality.

I say this as a former user and occasional abuser: I didn’t so much intentionally stop doing drugs as I stopped wanting to be around people who were irresponsible with drugs.

I’m afraid the clarifying responses don’t really clarify what behavior you’ve observed vs. inferred/anticipated. “Struggles with addiction” is quite loaded: How have these struggles manifested? Is he like robbing liquor stores for coke and mistaking the laundry hamper for a toilet? Or doing a bump of coke before going out dancing?

1. Doing a couple lines of coke on the weekend or even tripping balls quietly in their room once in a while probably wouldn’t register as a problem to me, any more than having a couple pints or drinking a bottle of wine. 2. Whipping out some lines in front of you without feeling your comfort levels out, zipping around at 3am on a school night, or tripping balls in shared space without a discussion that some drugs might be happening? Not cool. It wouldn’t be cool if it was getting blackout drunk in the same circumstances.

All of which is to say I’d worry less about the specific drugs and more about the behavior.

Your roommate is almost certainly also using occasionally. The fact that you even *know* about this without a discussion of your comfort levels doesn’t win your roommate any points.

None of this means they are wrong or bad. And unless there are drugs sitting out or he’s actually slinging and not just using, the legal risk to you is pretty low. But you have a right to be concerned, you have a right to be comfortable with what happens around you, and you have a right to a frank discussion about drug use in your home. And if there’s any behavior from category 2. above happening, I’d be looking at changing your housing situation.
posted by aspersioncast at 6:06 AM on February 5, 2022 [8 favorites]

Is he selling coke or acid? How skeevy is he? Would he hide stuff in your room? If you're white, employed, appear middle-class, the legal issues are probably okay if he gets busted and you and your stuff are clean. If you're paranoid, lock your room; skeevy people and addicts steal. Using drugs recreationally is not uncommon, lots of people lead ordinary lives and take interesting drugs, try to assess the consequences his behaviors cause to you.

This is making you uncomfortable in your home, and it's fair to talk to your roommate about reducing her boyfriend's impact on your ability to feel okay at home.
posted by theora55 at 7:50 AM on February 5, 2022 [3 favorites]

Ok, I have many questions.

Does he ever lie to you two about drugs? Like, does he tell you he ins't holding when he is, or claim he stopped using when he didn't? Does he keep his drugs hidden from view or leave them lying around? How careful is he about hiding them? Does he tell randos about them? (Being a responsible user but having a desperate addict acquaintance know where you keep your shit is a good way to get burglarized.) In everyday life, like with chores and stuff, does he ever try to blame other people for his screwups? Does he tell lies he's bound to get caught in, like lying to one of you about what the other one said? Does he seem to take legal risks seriously? When there are everyday legal requirements in his life—like keeping his car registration up to date or paying his taxes—does he keep up with them or avoid them? Does he believe weird conspiracy theories about the police or the government? Does he spill other people's secrets?

The ideal drug-owning roommate is loyal, honest, fair, responsible, discreet, good at lying when necessary (like to the police or dirtbag randos), and realistic about risks. I've had good roommates like that. If this guy is like that, it's probably okay to keep him.

If he isn't, ditch him. Move out if you have to. Living with a drug user who doesn't have those virtues is a nightmare.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:29 AM on February 5, 2022 [5 favorites]

"functional" drug use only lasts as long as the money to pay for the drugs does. someone who uses "functionally" or "recreationally" and starts to withdraw when they run out of money for drugs is going to resort to stealing from whomever/whatever is around them. or they start dealing so they can have a steady access to supply and be spending less money. meth, coke and opiates lead to this for sure, but it can happen with other stuff too.

hallucinogens don't cause a physical dependence like opioids do, obviously, but they can change a person's behavior and cause paranoia and behavioral issues for some folks. which may just make you feel uncomfortable and unsafe in your home and that's a fair enough reason to move out.

if i were you i would look for a living situation with someone who is drug free and i would start locking my stuff up ASAP. i don't think there's a legal risk to you of being on the hook for possession if they're just using amounts for individual consumption. it's more safety and not wanting to get burglarized.

there's a difference between someone who holds down a job and uses legal substances in their free time discreetly, and someone who is regularly buying/selling and using illegal drugs and lying about it, and whose life is inevitably going to be impacted by the side effects of that. i guess you just have to assess which group does your roommate and her boyfriend belong to.
posted by zdravo at 9:44 AM on February 5, 2022 [1 favorite]

Cocaine and acid are party drugs, not “hard drugs,” and that’s a big category error that makes me wonder about the accuracy of your perception that this guy is an addict or that police/landlords are likely to enter your apartment and do a search any time soon. What do you mean when you say this guy struggles with addiction? Why do you think your apartment is going to be searched by law enforcement? Are these real fears, or are you trying to find reasons like “legal liability” to justify your discomfort with drug use and dislike of your roommate’s boyfriend? Like other commenters have said, if this guy is a methhead you probably need to move out. But coke and acid are generally part of a pattern of drug use that isn’t dangerous and will not result in any legal action unless you’re planning to call the cops on your own roommate. I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable but it sounds like you might be happier after some education around substance use patterns.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:01 AM on February 5, 2022 [17 favorites]

This is as much about your comfort level as it is about the "hardness" of the drugs. Like, I wouldn't give a shit if my roommate's boyfriend was often holding and occasionally using coke and/or acid in my shared spaces (I would be irritated if it was loud/intrusive, sure) but your use of "hard" and the legal fears to describe the drugs versus describing the regularity or visibility of the use means that you aren't comfortable with drugs or ok with them in your home. Which is your right! It is your home!

You will never win a war of "he can't come over any more" or even probably "no drugs in the house"...your roommate is definitely using the same drugs too, and you'll never resolve the issue of banning her boyfriend peacefully. Your best bet is to say "this isn't the place to party, go to someone else's place please" (if being around high people is some part of your concerns) while in the meantime you quietly find somewhere else to live.
posted by Grim Fridge at 10:31 AM on February 5, 2022 [6 favorites]

Cocaine and acid are party drugs, not “hard drugs,” and that’s a big category error

This is where I come down on this, though I know there are people who disagree. But it's worth thinking this through. As Grim Fridge says it's okay if you don't want people doing drugs in your home or carrying drugs into your home. But you need to assess, realistically, what the issue is. Depending on your demographics, this could be a biggish deal or it could be no big deal at all in terms of liabilities. And where does the "addiction" designator come from? Is that your roommate's term or yours or something else? Acid isn't really a drug people get addicted to, though coke is. And people who have enough money to buy coke are usually less of an issue but people who do not have enough money to buy coke but are nonetheless coke addicts are somewhat dangerous just in terms of "they might try to steal your stuff" angles.

So as many people have said, you probably can't start from "He can't come over here" but you could decide you don't want drugs in your home and at least start to have a conversation about that and see where it goes. But it does sound like your relative tolerance for drugs in the house may be skewed enough that you won't make good roommates.
posted by jessamyn at 10:45 AM on February 5, 2022 [13 favorites]

Legal liabilities may not enter into this so much as your personal risk tolerance. Like any human being, you have a right to live somewhere you feel safe, and that need goes beyond comfort. Finding another place to live while you negotiate and renegotiate boundaries with roommates may be a necessary, if unfortunate reality.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 5:57 PM on February 5, 2022

Cocaine and acid are party drugs, not “hard drugs,” and that’s a big category error

Wtf? I've done my share of partying without ever doing coke or acid. They're illegal, need to be obtained through shady channels, and there are legal consequences for their possession.

You know what's a "party drug"? Something you can get in a store without any legal complications whatsoever.

I mean, it's nice that you personally (or your friend circle) can casually take illegal drugs without consequences just to have fun, but that's not true for a lot of people.
posted by gakiko at 1:44 AM on February 6, 2022 [5 favorites]

Since we don’t know where you live, OP, you should not believe people who tell you that there is no legal risk. Probably the only types of people who can answer that concern are attorneys who know your jurisdiction. If you say this guy struggles with addiction, I am willing to believe you. I go to meetings at least once a week with a whole bunch of people who struggle with addiction, that is not an unusual thing. I think you are looking to the wrong crowd for an answer to what you say is your primary concern.

I agree with others who suggest that this behavior makes you uncomfortable and you should get to feel comfortable in your own home. Of course, your ability to make demands also depends on your jurisdiction and whatever contract you may have with your housemate, landlord, etc. I have lived with housemates that I wasn’t comfortable around and it sucked. You don’t need a legal reason to be annoyed about drug use in your home. I would encourage you to find another housing situation, if need be. I have done that myself; sometimes it is totally worth it. Only you can judge if moving is worth it for you. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 4:09 AM on February 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

You know what's a "party drug"? Something you can get in a store without any legal complications whatsoever.

I don’t know if you’re in the US, but unless you’re talking about getting completely fucked up on cough syrup, there are no recreational drugs available OTC on a federal level, and I wouldn’t classify weed (I’m in CA) as a “party drug” either. Ayelet Waldman, a Harvard Law-educated lawyer, wrote a book about microdosing acid that was reviewed in the NY Times and by NPR with no legal consequences. Joe Rogan has an 11 million person audience who he encourages to take magic mushrooms and lsd, and while Rogan and Waldman are insulated by wealth, their audiences are not, and yet I’ve never heard of anyone from those audiences being sucked into a shady criminal underworld. What a weird thread. Where are you living where you can buy recreational substances at the store?
posted by moonlight on vermont at 1:45 PM on February 6, 2022 [6 favorites]

I get that there are people who enjoy taking drugs who are responding to this thread. You offer a valid perspective.

What I find happening, however, is that the pro-drug people are belittling the OP's concerns about legal liability and potential legal fallout.

For all we know, the OP may be working in or pointing themselves towards a professional direction where they have to have not just a spotless but a fully squeaky-clean record, and if that's the case (and even if it's not), they have every right to be concerned about a person bringing illegal substances into their home. I'd certainly be worried about how I'd "prove" I wasn't complicit in any illegal activities happening under my roof should the police come calling. (Or should word get out publicly that a cohabitant was involved in something illegal.)

Everybody has a right to make their own decisions about how tightly they'll adhere to any and all laws, and pooh-poohing a person's concerns is pretty disappointing behaviour for Ask.

ygmiaa, since we don't know where you reside, nobody can really offer you any truly useful answers. Your best course of action would be to consult with an attorney, just so you understand your liability and so that you understand your rights (in case you want to break your lease, kick your roommate out, etc.).
posted by sardonyx at 6:25 PM on February 6, 2022 [1 favorite]

He has a drug problem he isnt selling drugs. If something was found in your house ...trust me it wont be. Drug addicts are greedy and will not share or even trust their drugs in anyone's else's presence. Your concern should be for whether he is there using drugs in your home. Make her tell him he isnt allowed to bring drugs over.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:18 AM on February 7, 2022 [1 favorite]