What would you think if someone tells you about a racy show?
February 2, 2022 5:15 AM   Subscribe

What would you think if someone tells you about a racy show?

This person I am crushing on keeps asking me about where I am from. We talked about it a few times. The last time I saw him he brought it up again. Then he told me he's been watching a show that is set in the same area and told me the name of it.

I started watching it and it's really pretty racy! A total turn-on, as a matter of fact.

Would you think it's relevant if someone *you* liked told you about a show that he sort of connected to you (at least in a way) that has a lot of sexual content and is quite titillating? I guess I'm hoping that this means something. What do you think?

Am I reaching here? Also, what should I say to him about the show??
posted by mintchip to Human Relations (31 answers total)

I doubt he'd recommend a show of that kind if he was trying not to give you the wrong idea. Flirt with the guy a bit if you're interested. I mean, you only need to tell him you enjoyed the show to start up a conversation.
posted by pipeski at 5:37 AM on February 2, 2022 [7 favorites]

Agreed, you are gonna need to stop reading the tea leaves and start making some little moves of your own. It really doesn't matter what any of us think it means - I have conversations with my coworkers all the time about all sorts of media, because we like talking about media. If someone decided that because a book I mentioned liking had a sex scene in it that I was propositioning them, they'd be waaaaay off-base, but it would be a legit move for them to (in an appropriate setting) say that they read it and found the sex scene specifically pretty hot because [reason] and did it work for me? That would open the door to more intimate and potentially romantic conversation, or a very gentle and indirect shut-down, depending on where I was.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:40 AM on February 2, 2022 [9 favorites]

It's hard to say without knowing more about this guy. Is he flirty with you generally? Does he watch a lot of this type of TV? He might just think it's a fun show and doesn't necessarily mean for it to be a hint.

On the other hand, he's clearly trying to share something with you and start a discussion. Clearly he's been thinking about you and wants to hear your thoughts as a former/current resident of that area. Ask him out for coffee to talk about it! You could maybe mention that you didn't expect it to be so steamy (in a positive way) and see how he reacts.
posted by fight or flight at 5:41 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]

I don't know, I know people for whom the occasional boob in Game of Thrones was the most titillating thing they'd ever seen, so their baseline for "racy" TV is obviously calibrated very differently than mine. At the moment, plenty of watercooler-level popular shows are full of nudity and explicit sex, so it's common enough that I personally wouldn't take that as an indication that they were trying to make a romantic overture, just that they happened to like the show and maybe they thought I would also be interested in swords with a side of boobs (swords, yes; boobs, not so much).

If anything, I would take this person's apparent desire to socialize with you and share interests as more of an indication of at least some kind of interest than the content of the show. I notice there are more than a few flirting-adjacent questions in your Ask history, and forgive me if I'm reaching, but I get the feeling you have some anxiety around the social dynamics of flirting. I find anxiety around flirting is a lot lower if I go into potentially flirty conversations like I'm trying to make a friend, and that maybe I'd also like to make out with that friend.

In your case, I'd just carry on chatting about the show to give both of you the chance to signal more overt interest in each other: did it actually remind you of where you're from, how was the acting, have you seen any of the actors in other things? Maybe mention that it was more sexy than you expected but you actually thought it was great, like when X did the Y with the Z, which you'd never seen done so well in a scene on TV, something like that. Just avoid making big assumptions about motive and try to read the room to see if he's actually comfortable talking about it — not everyone is comfortable verbally discussing the their preferred media, even if they recommended it in the first place.
posted by wakannai at 5:41 AM on February 2, 2022 [23 favorites]

Some icebreakers to start conversion, since you share the show as a common interest: Who is your favorite actor? Which episode did you enjoy the most?
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 5:41 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: To clarify, he didn't exactly recommend the show, he just said he was watching it. To give you an idea what I am talking about, in the first episode a man puts a woman's hand on his erect member. It's the sort of show I find especially erotic, but I also know that it's highly ranked on Netflix where I live, so there's that.
posted by mintchip at 5:42 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]

ok, no. If he didn't specifically recommend it then I think the only thing you could get from him telling you is that he's comfortable enough to tell you he's watching such a show. But even that's a stretch.

I would go with wakannai's excellent advice and use it as a way to have more of a conversation with him. Good luck!
posted by dawkins_7 at 6:08 AM on February 2, 2022 [9 favorites]

We tend to like people who like us. Take this an invitation to interact more and send some of your own signals, but not as a sign that he wants marry you or something :)
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:14 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]

I wouldn't think it means anything at all except that he was making conversation, especially given that it wasn't actually a recommendation. If you liked the show, by all means tell him you checked it out after he mentioned it and you're enjoying it. You probably shouldn't jump right in with "ALSO IT WAS REALLY SEXY" but by all means talk about whatever else you're enjoying about the show, and if at some point in that conversation it makes sense to also mention the racy stuff, go ahead.

This is an opening to continue the conversation either by telling him something you liked about the show, or talking about what you've been watching/reading/listening to, yourself. Anything beyond that feels like a stretch.
posted by Stacey at 6:28 AM on February 2, 2022 [3 favorites]

It could be that he's trying to flirt with you....but, it could also mean that the reason he's trying to flirt with you is because he now thinks "Oh, everyone from this town is an easy lay just like on this show!" Or it could be somewhere in between.

The only way to find out what he's thinking is to continue to talk to him - and not just about the show.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:32 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]

I understand wanting to know more than you know - we've all been there - but the only thing it really means is that he's comfortable watching this show himself. If I'm close friends with someone and I like a show enough to recommend it, I might give a caveat if I think something might disturb them (e.g., my very sensitive friend might find the violence disturbing; my religious relative won't like the swearing). But if I'm telling someone I'm not as close to that I'm watching a show, I probably wouldn't put as much thought into it unless the show included something I myself found disturbing. So it's possible the sexiness doesn't really register for him.

It's also possible he's flirting. Since you asked, for me, if I thought that was going on with someone I wasn't involved with, this would be a too-much too-soon turn-off. The kind of guessing you're doing (and no judgment - I've totally done it) can be really crazy-making, and I agree that making little moves of your own, as restless nomad says, is a good idea.
posted by FencingGal at 7:12 AM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]

I agree with the consensus that this could really go either way, and another possibility is that he's asking because he's curious how accurately this show portrays the place you're from. So, use it as an excuse to keep talking, but I wouldn't assume anything. All the said, the easiest way to find out if someone wants to date you is to ask them out (though if this is someone at your workplace, I'd tread more lightly).
posted by coffeecat at 8:00 AM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]

"I'm enjoying the show! It's deliciously erotic."
posted by bluedaisy at 9:20 AM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]

Would you think it's relevant if someone *you* liked told you about a show that he sort of connected to you (at least in a way) that has a lot of sexual content and is quite titillating?

Something comparable happened to me with a person I was crushing on, and yeah, I did read something into it! I was wrong in the event. In my case the person was honestly just being friendly. They enjoy sexually charged pieces of art and that was why they brought it up. Honestly my emotional state was such that every piece of information they shared about themselves was fraught with layers of meaning. But it turned out to have nothing to do with me specifically.

I don't feel that this discrete piece of information tells you all that much about the person you're digging. But every piece of information you have about the person is a way to get to know them better and increase your intimacy. Crushes are fun; don't forget to enjoy yourself.
posted by unicorn chaser at 10:47 AM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I keep adding more details, haha! It's hard to describe everything accurately, especially when you are trying to interpret someone's behavior.

I would describe it as that he *volunteered* that he watches the show, out of the blue, after bringing up again about where I'm from. (It wasn't like I'd asked what he's been watching or what he's been up to lately.)

And, I'm several episodes in, and so far it doesn't even show much of the area, it's just like the *backdrop* of the show, barely even featured. (I don't know if it features more later.) The warning he gave in advance is that it makes the area look "dark" and "not very good." No warning about it being a bit edgy or racy.

But I was what I would consider *unusually* graphic/titillating from the first episode. It doesn't have long, overwrought sex scenes with gratuitously nudity. It's more that they are particularly, ahem, erotic (at least to me).

So that's what made me think, hmm! Did he think I might watch the show based on him telling me about it (which I did) And, if I bring up watching the show, will his mind wander to the sexual content? But, it does sound like it could go either way and that I shouldn't assume too much or read too much into...?
posted by mintchip at 12:31 PM on February 2, 2022

None of that new detail changes anything about my response. You were talking about a place, he remembered that he’d been watching a show tangentially related to the place, that all sounds like really normal casual chatty stuff you could do with an acquaintance with no other intention. Even if the show is racy.

Just go ahead and keep talking with him, flirt if you want to, just as you would if he’d never mentioned that he was watching this show.
posted by Stacey at 12:40 PM on February 2, 2022 [6 favorites]

I nth everyone that it doesn't mean for sure he likey-likes you, but at least he's making conversation.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:42 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]

If the person you're talking about is the good doctor, he is 1000% bringing it up to try and fuck you. Which would be a very, very, VERY bad idea for him and for you.
posted by tristeza at 1:50 PM on February 2, 2022 [5 favorites]

What's the show!!!!
posted by kittensofthenight at 2:55 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: The good doctor?? The show is Sinners.
posted by mintchip at 3:33 PM on February 2, 2022

The show is Sinners.

Do you mean The Sinner, starring Bill Pullman (and Jessica Biel in the first season)? (That's all I'm finding Googling for variations of "Sinners" in TV shows, especially on Netflix.)

If that's the one then yeah, I would definitely not read too much into any possible "raciness" as a hint, because everyone's definition of that is different. Like, I personally watched 3 or 4 episodes and any level of raciness or eroticism or titillating content barely even registered, especially as a thing that I would think to suggest as a secret signal to someone I'm interested in. The main focus of the series seems to me to be Pullman's exhausted burned out detective, and a lot of the "titillating" content is more about demonstrating how messed up Biel's character's background is.

I found the whole show well done but too grim for me to keep going with (at least for the moment), it's hardly 9 1/2 Weeks or Body Double or anything where the eroticism is really the focus of the flick.

Like others suggest, I would at most consider this as a sign that he's interested in continuing to talk to you.
posted by soundguy99 at 4:30 PM on February 2, 2022 [1 favorite]

I meant - if the person bringing this up with you is your doctor - then yes, he is trying to fuck you. I've followed your posts.
posted by tristeza at 6:16 PM on February 2, 2022 [12 favorites]

Response by poster: Tristeza, well, yes he actually IS my doctor. Do you still feel the same way now? I suppose I felt exposed by your question so I didn't admit that, but it's true, it was the doctor I asked about moving my hair out of the way. He is the person who told me about this show and kept asking about where I was from.

But others on here have said not to read into it, so I don't know what to think. Also, he wasn't very particularly friendly in this appointment (although he did give me a hug).

To be honest, it is hard asking these questions online! You are worried people will get annoyed with your question or jump on you and shame you. I just don't know what to think and have no one else I feel comfortable asking (not sure I want to tell my friends about this).

The answers here have generally been very thoughtful. Now that I admitted it's my doctor, I hope no one is annoyed. Anyone who responds from here, PLEASE be kind :)
posted by mintchip at 8:45 PM on February 2, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Nobody is annoyed by you, mintchip, we're all just concerned about you and for you.

You doctor is not behaving like a doctor. He is behaving like a sexual predator grooming his next victim. Nobody wants that victim to be you.

Everything you've posted about him sounds totally inappropriate for a medical professional. Doctors should not be hugging you. Period. In all the years (and I'm talking decades) I saw my family doctor, I think she touched me three times, and those were all exam-related. Now, she's probably on the extreme end of things, but his behaviour with you is just not right.

I know how hard it is to find a doctor at all, let alone a decent one. (No I was not happy with mine, and she just dropped dead so I'm completely without one, but that's a different story.)

You need to find a different doctor.

You need to stop crushing on this doctor and thinking about him, because there is no way any relationship with him will lead to anything good, so stop spending your precious energy on him, and trying to figure out "does he or doesn't he?" as the answer will not lead you anywhere near a healthy relationship. Put your effort into finding somebody who can have an actual relationship with out that doesn't start out from a position of somebody abusing their power and position over you. You need to start out a relationship on equal footing and with this doctor, you're nowhere close to that.

Ideally, this guy should be reported to whatever medical board has authority over him. I'm not telling you to do that--I get that would be like pushing you off a cliff, but something needs to be done about him and the way he treats you (and likely other patients) because he isn't just overstepping appropriate bounds. He's pole vaulting over them with an illegal power-assisted vaulting device.

Or more simply, it's not you, it's him. So get away from him ASAP, for your own safety, happiness and even health (because at this point, I wouldn't trust his medical opinion at all).
posted by sardonyx at 9:20 PM on February 2, 2022 [22 favorites]

Ah, yes, the inappropriate doctor. I was hoping for your sake that there was someone else in your life you’d become interested in.

But since it’s him, the good news is that you don’t have to figure out how to respond about the tv show. The correct answer for that guy is still “get away from him and don’t give him any more personal information about yourself.”
posted by Stacey at 3:35 AM on February 3, 2022 [7 favorites]

Best answer: You are worried people will get annoyed with your question or jump on you and shame you. I just don't know what to think and have no one else I feel comfortable asking (not sure I want to tell my friends about this).

OP, this is a red flag. You're hiding who this guy is from online strangers and your friends because a part of you understands that it's an inappropriate relationship and you shouldn't engage in it. This (cruical, imo) detail would have resulted in very different answers here and you probably knew that. Nobody is here to shame you, but we are here to give honest counsel. I strongly advise you to listen to your instincts. Ask yourself why you already feel like you need to obfuscate your relationship to this man and whether that would improve if anything actually happened.

Disregard my answer above: do not go out to coffee with him. If you genuinely think there could be something between you, at the very least change doctors so he's no longer in a position of professional and physical power over you. If he stops expressing interest in you after that, you have your answer.

Honestly, the touching and the fact that he hugged you(!!) is a little alarming, professionally speaking. Doctors are supposed to maintain a professional boundary between themselves and their patients. In some places, his attempting a relationship with you (if that's what he's doing) might threaten his career as it would constitute professional misconduct -- that's how serious this is. Some medical boards consider it to be abuse, even if things appear to be consensual (which, arguably, they can never really be, given the power imbalance going on). Even if he's just being friendly, your attempting to engage in a relationship could get him fired.

Crushes are fine most of the time, but this one needs to be put aside. I strongly urge you to find a new doctor and to talk to your friends about this, so they can help you move on and keep you safe.
posted by fight or flight at 4:28 AM on February 3, 2022 [13 favorites]

Oooooof, yeah, I want to be 100% clear that I gave my advice above not connecting your question with your specific history. Instead, my advice would be to find a counselor, therapist, or especially level-headed and patient friend, figure out what you actually want and feel and fear out of this situation, and make a plan that is safe and ethical. And until you have done that, stop interacting with this person at all.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:38 AM on February 3, 2022 [10 favorites]

Best answer: Hey mintchip, not annoyed or shaming you at all. We are all concerned for you and want the best for you. This dude is a creep. You deserve way better!
posted by tristeza at 12:09 PM on February 3, 2022 [3 favorites]

I'll withdraw what I said as well. Knowing more facts can totally change how we think about things.

I'm concerned too. I've always thought it's good to be a trusting person, and I try to give the benefit of the doubt. But something's wrong here whichever way I try to look at it. Doctors don't behave like that; it's a sure sign that this is not the kind of person who deserves your trust. I know it can be hard to accept an answer that isn't the one you wanted. Please avoid this man, and take care of yourself.
posted by pipeski at 4:46 PM on February 3, 2022 [6 favorites]

I did not realize the person in question was in the position of being your healthcare provider.

Even if my doctor seemed like an otherwise compatible and appealing match for a romantic relationship, I would interpret any overtures on their part as intentionally unprofessional and inappropriate behavior. That's a big no to me. While I'm sure some healthy relationships have developed out of a doctor/patient dynamic, I would be very wary of a doctor in that situation taking the initiative.

Absent any other behavior that seems inappropriate, I would chalk this up to a crush on my part and dismiss it as a fun little fantasy, but ultimately one that shouldn't and won't go anywhere.

With what looks like other inappropriate (non-medical) behavior present, I would look for another doctor, cool my head, and congratulate myself on making a safe and responsible decision that protects both my wellbeing and his professional obligations.
posted by wakannai at 4:37 AM on February 4, 2022 [3 favorites]

I just want to say it’s totally understandable for the idea of having sex with your doctor to be erotically exciting—there is all kinds of porn about this very scenario and I encourage you to explore it!
HOWEVER it’s a really bad idea to do this in real life, and doctors are very specifically and extremely forbidden to do it. So if he IS trying to sleep with you, he’s knowingly betraying a core tenet of his professional ethics and is not someone you should get involved with. If he ISN'T trying to sleep with you, then pursuing him is putting him in a really awkward position and you should stop thinking about it.
In either case, time to get a new doctor.
posted by exceptinsects at 8:28 PM on February 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

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