Social bubble safety question.
January 25, 2022 11:14 AM Subscribe
I want to set myself some guidelines for contact with my (small) social circle, so I can be confident I'm not weaseling myself into risky behavior. Please share with me examples of how your "bubble" has decided to define what's OK and what's not OK.
Practically, my current bubble is:
Myself and partner. Partner works in private office double masked, but does go into the (small) office 5 days a week. I work from home, except once a week working face-to-face with a (vaxed and boosted) client. No in-door gatherings without n94 masks. No dining indoors or coffee shops. I have 3 friends, all vaxed and boosted. No visits with them, unless outdoors.
I'd like to communicate my expectations for my friends, two of whom spend time in person with 0-2 people per month, the third being much more social. I hope to find a way to see them in person and have everyone be OK with it, if we can just talk about it together.
Practically, my current bubble is:
Myself and partner. Partner works in private office double masked, but does go into the (small) office 5 days a week. I work from home, except once a week working face-to-face with a (vaxed and boosted) client. No in-door gatherings without n94 masks. No dining indoors or coffee shops. I have 3 friends, all vaxed and boosted. No visits with them, unless outdoors.
I'd like to communicate my expectations for my friends, two of whom spend time in person with 0-2 people per month, the third being much more social. I hope to find a way to see them in person and have everyone be OK with it, if we can just talk about it together.
I’m not sure what you are asking, really- are you looking to tell you friends that you can’t hang out with them as a group unless they are doing X to keep safe ahead of time and trying to come up with what X is?
I think you can control what you do, you can’t control others. It sounds like you are on the more cautious end of things, and that’s fine. You *can* ask for clear communication about what their own level of risk is: are you meeting anyone indoors without masks right now? Are you dining indoors? Are you going to large, crowded outdoor events? and decide what to do with that information (let’s go for a walk outdoors! Let’s go for a walk outdoors with masks! Let’s go for outdoor brunch but we’ll do rapid tests beforehand!) and if everyone involved is not willing to do what you need to feel safe (or does not feel safe with what you have planned) you can go from there.
posted by charmedimsure at 11:31 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think you can control what you do, you can’t control others. It sounds like you are on the more cautious end of things, and that’s fine. You *can* ask for clear communication about what their own level of risk is: are you meeting anyone indoors without masks right now? Are you dining indoors? Are you going to large, crowded outdoor events? and decide what to do with that information (let’s go for a walk outdoors! Let’s go for a walk outdoors with masks! Let’s go for outdoor brunch but we’ll do rapid tests beforehand!) and if everyone involved is not willing to do what you need to feel safe (or does not feel safe with what you have planned) you can go from there.
posted by charmedimsure at 11:31 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Our bubble rules are changing week to week, in response to the rise and apparent fall of the omicron surge.
We spent Christmas with family, including family members from three states. We were all maximally vaxxed and we all rapid tested on arrival. We ate in the house together.
We spent New Years with friends who have children the same age as us. Again, everyone vaxxed and we rapid tested before gathering.
But a week later we had cut out gathering like that. We stopped visiting family or friends in person, even with rapid testing. We've also dramatically reduced our in-store shopping and have returned to ordering groceries for delivery or curb-side pickup.
Now that omicron appears to be descending, we may be willing to gather friends indoors soon, with rapid testing. But we aren't there yet.
This is a long way of saying that things are different from earlier parts of the pandemic, where you could make a set of rules, explain them to people, and then stick with them for a few months. Now it feels like we need to adjust our rules week to week, and pretty much make the call again for every potential gathering.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 11:31 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
We spent Christmas with family, including family members from three states. We were all maximally vaxxed and we all rapid tested on arrival. We ate in the house together.
We spent New Years with friends who have children the same age as us. Again, everyone vaxxed and we rapid tested before gathering.
But a week later we had cut out gathering like that. We stopped visiting family or friends in person, even with rapid testing. We've also dramatically reduced our in-store shopping and have returned to ordering groceries for delivery or curb-side pickup.
Now that omicron appears to be descending, we may be willing to gather friends indoors soon, with rapid testing. But we aren't there yet.
This is a long way of saying that things are different from earlier parts of the pandemic, where you could make a set of rules, explain them to people, and then stick with them for a few months. Now it feels like we need to adjust our rules week to week, and pretty much make the call again for every potential gathering.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 11:31 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
By the way, microcovid.org estimates the risk of meeting indoors unmasked with two other people in California to be higher than the caution limits that they recommend.
So, one more reason to wait a few weeks for the numbers to come down before changing your personal rules.
posted by metahawk at 11:35 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
So, one more reason to wait a few weeks for the numbers to come down before changing your personal rules.
posted by metahawk at 11:35 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree with charmedimsure that it's not entirely clear what your question is, that you are clearly more on the cautious end of the spectrum (which is fine!), and that all anyone can do is tell their friends their needs around COVID precautions and allow them to respond.
I've generally made a point to check-in with friends as conditions change - this isn't the type of conversation you can have just once. From my own friend circle, I've seen people change their approach due to life events (having a new baby, getting a more high-risk job, etc.) and due to the arrival of new variants, etc. So, I'd try to get comfortable having this type of conversation every few weeks.
posted by coffeecat at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2022
I've generally made a point to check-in with friends as conditions change - this isn't the type of conversation you can have just once. From my own friend circle, I've seen people change their approach due to life events (having a new baby, getting a more high-risk job, etc.) and due to the arrival of new variants, etc. So, I'd try to get comfortable having this type of conversation every few weeks.
posted by coffeecat at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2022
Guys, the question is right there above the fold: OP said "Please share with me examples of how your "bubble" has decided to define what's OK and what's not OK."
I do not have a bubble, but I would not describe what you have as a bubble either, because everyone in your "bubble" is interacting with other people - to me, a bubble is a closed loop of people who interact with each other and only each other (with the exception of short necessary masked shopping trips). Everyone in your partner's office is effectively in your bubble and everyone your client interacts with is effectively in your bubble as well. The people you describe as being "in your bubble," to me that's less a "bubble" and more a core group of people who you prioritize spending time with in spite of the risk, while still taking precautions (I do this too!).
Anyway, so the way I manage my risk is I don't really place any expectations on other people's behavior, but I do take what I know about their behavior into account when I decide when/how/where to spend time with them. I think your best bet is to just keep aware of what your friends have been up to lately and take that into account when you're deciding when/where/how to interact with them.
posted by mskyle at 11:57 AM on January 25, 2022 [14 favorites]
I do not have a bubble, but I would not describe what you have as a bubble either, because everyone in your "bubble" is interacting with other people - to me, a bubble is a closed loop of people who interact with each other and only each other (with the exception of short necessary masked shopping trips). Everyone in your partner's office is effectively in your bubble and everyone your client interacts with is effectively in your bubble as well. The people you describe as being "in your bubble," to me that's less a "bubble" and more a core group of people who you prioritize spending time with in spite of the risk, while still taking precautions (I do this too!).
Anyway, so the way I manage my risk is I don't really place any expectations on other people's behavior, but I do take what I know about their behavior into account when I decide when/how/where to spend time with them. I think your best bet is to just keep aware of what your friends have been up to lately and take that into account when you're deciding when/where/how to interact with them.
posted by mskyle at 11:57 AM on January 25, 2022 [14 favorites]
I'd try to get comfortable having this type of conversation every few weeks.
Yes, this. It’s hard! It’s awkward! I had to tell my parents last week that I wasn’t coming for dinner for a while because cases in our area are super high and I teach 150 questionably-masked and mostly-unvaccinated kids a day in windowless classrooms daily. My folks are boosted and vaxxed but elderly and I don’t want to put them in danger.
Am I still going to meet 5-6 vaxxed and boosted teacher friends indoors in a couple weeks for a friend’s milestone birthday? Maybe? Probably, if we can rapid test before and cases are down? My risk analysis is different there, since friends are all experiencing the same risks I am day-to-day and are younger and healthier. But I’m having explicit conversations with everyone each time about what we’re getting ourselves into even though it’s not the most natural thing in the world.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:02 PM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yes, this. It’s hard! It’s awkward! I had to tell my parents last week that I wasn’t coming for dinner for a while because cases in our area are super high and I teach 150 questionably-masked and mostly-unvaccinated kids a day in windowless classrooms daily. My folks are boosted and vaxxed but elderly and I don’t want to put them in danger.
Am I still going to meet 5-6 vaxxed and boosted teacher friends indoors in a couple weeks for a friend’s milestone birthday? Maybe? Probably, if we can rapid test before and cases are down? My risk analysis is different there, since friends are all experiencing the same risks I am day-to-day and are younger and healthier. But I’m having explicit conversations with everyone each time about what we’re getting ourselves into even though it’s not the most natural thing in the world.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:02 PM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think the main thing is to establish a clear expectation and enthusiastic agreement that you will keep each other apprised of any major changes from whatever you're each doing currently. People's comfort levels and activities will change over time as their needs and local covid situations so bubbling up is more of an ongoing conversation than a one-time set of rules.
But for whatever it's worth, since you're asking about our own arrangements: I see only one friend, other than my partner. We see each other indoors and unmasked, with an understanding that neither of us is doing that with anyone else other than a small number of family members who are similarly cautious. She sees a few additional people, mainly family members, plus one or two friends she only sees outdoors. I don't love her amount of exposure, which is higher than mine and is enough that I don't consider us to be in a true "bubble," but I've decided it's acceptable for me and I trust her completely to keep me apprised if things changed.
Some of the baseline understandings my friend and I have are:
- We both work from home and do not have regular contact with anyone who is not working remotely, with one family member exception who does not have a remote option and who tests regularly.
- Neither of us does indoor dining. She occasionally does outdoor dining, I do not, and if I were to change that I'd have a discussion with her to make sure she's aware. I doubt it would be a problem since she's already fine with that risk for herself, but it would be a significant enough change that I think she would need to know.
- We mask if we're going to be indoors shopping, at medical appointments, having repair people in our homes, etc.
- Once every few months she travels to see family/friends or they come to see her. She takes safety precautions but these trips are still outside my comfort zone, so she makes sure I know when these trips are happening and then we don't see each other for a bit afterwards.
- We and everyone we see regularly gets vaxxed/boosted as soon as available.
- If one of us is feeling poorly at all we skip the hangout, full stop, no questions asked.
Sometimes we adjust parameters as needed for one-offs. For example, we've each attended one small outdoors pandemic wedding, and in both cases we stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks ahead of the event (to protect other guests) and after the event (to protect each other). At one point, when one of her contacts got a breakthrough case, we reverted to masked outdoors hangouts for a couple of weeks. With cases rising, we had a chat about how we both felt about our hair salon, which is one of the few indulgences we're each allowing ourselves right now, and made sure that we were both comfortable with our decisions there. It's very much an ongoing conversation and the more we have it, the less awkward any one iteration of it is.
posted by Stacey at 12:08 PM on January 25, 2022
But for whatever it's worth, since you're asking about our own arrangements: I see only one friend, other than my partner. We see each other indoors and unmasked, with an understanding that neither of us is doing that with anyone else other than a small number of family members who are similarly cautious. She sees a few additional people, mainly family members, plus one or two friends she only sees outdoors. I don't love her amount of exposure, which is higher than mine and is enough that I don't consider us to be in a true "bubble," but I've decided it's acceptable for me and I trust her completely to keep me apprised if things changed.
Some of the baseline understandings my friend and I have are:
- We both work from home and do not have regular contact with anyone who is not working remotely, with one family member exception who does not have a remote option and who tests regularly.
- Neither of us does indoor dining. She occasionally does outdoor dining, I do not, and if I were to change that I'd have a discussion with her to make sure she's aware. I doubt it would be a problem since she's already fine with that risk for herself, but it would be a significant enough change that I think she would need to know.
- We mask if we're going to be indoors shopping, at medical appointments, having repair people in our homes, etc.
- Once every few months she travels to see family/friends or they come to see her. She takes safety precautions but these trips are still outside my comfort zone, so she makes sure I know when these trips are happening and then we don't see each other for a bit afterwards.
- We and everyone we see regularly gets vaxxed/boosted as soon as available.
- If one of us is feeling poorly at all we skip the hangout, full stop, no questions asked.
Sometimes we adjust parameters as needed for one-offs. For example, we've each attended one small outdoors pandemic wedding, and in both cases we stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks ahead of the event (to protect other guests) and after the event (to protect each other). At one point, when one of her contacts got a breakthrough case, we reverted to masked outdoors hangouts for a couple of weeks. With cases rising, we had a chat about how we both felt about our hair salon, which is one of the few indulgences we're each allowing ourselves right now, and made sure that we were both comfortable with our decisions there. It's very much an ongoing conversation and the more we have it, the less awkward any one iteration of it is.
posted by Stacey at 12:08 PM on January 25, 2022
I'm not sure this is useful, because I'm seriously immunocompromised and live alone, but my bubble is one person. I see my girlfriend only after she has isolated for 14 days and has a negative COVID pcr test. We also occasionally do at home rapid tests during the week or two that we're bubbled. This is a true bubble in that neither of us has contact with the outside world when we are in the pod: contactless curbside pickup for groceries, we do go on walks outside but always wear masks. I don't go indoors anywhere except the dr anymore. When we are not in the bubble, she grocery shops, sees her family (all of whom work in food service, so they have high exposure indoors to people who are unmasked), and sees friends outside. We see each other every two months or so.
I personally plan on having these kinds of conversations with people for the long foreseeable future, but I think it's really good for everyone to figure out methods for communicating needs around this. It's so awkward! We never used to inquire after the personal business of our acquaintances at near this level of detail. It definitely goes against some of our social norms. Sometimes I find it easier to have this conversation when I begin with acknowledgment that it is an awkward thing to have to do. Good luck and thanks for staying safe!
posted by twelve cent archie at 12:11 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I personally plan on having these kinds of conversations with people for the long foreseeable future, but I think it's really good for everyone to figure out methods for communicating needs around this. It's so awkward! We never used to inquire after the personal business of our acquaintances at near this level of detail. It definitely goes against some of our social norms. Sometimes I find it easier to have this conversation when I begin with acknowledgment that it is an awkward thing to have to do. Good luck and thanks for staying safe!
posted by twelve cent archie at 12:11 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Please share with me examples of how your "bubble" has decided to define what's OK and what's not OK.
I'm probably a terrible example of any kind of controlled "bubble"; our family has been pretty relaxed about things since the summer. Compared to norms, our situation is probably an example of "back to normal."
Typical scenarios:
posted by theorique at 12:30 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm probably a terrible example of any kind of controlled "bubble"; our family has been pretty relaxed about things since the summer. Compared to norms, our situation is probably an example of "back to normal."
Typical scenarios:
- Wife and I both work from home so we have little or no exposure risk from this vector. We are both vaccinated.
- We have two small children at home, with child care by mother-in-law during the work week (she spends weekends at her own home; we don't have any particular constraints on her "bubble" there.)
- One child is in kindergarten so she's in a classroom for half the day with 20 other kids and a teacher. The school district does have a mask mandate, but ... it's kindergarten. (The teacher sends a lot of photos to the parents and we can see that mask discipline is not all that rigid.)
- We attend church in-person weekly. Probably 200-250 people in a large auditorium. I would estimate 2-5% mask wearing.
- Our church group meets weekly, usually 4-7 families in a private home.
- Dine our in a restaurant maybe a couple of times a month.
posted by theorique at 12:30 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I (we) have a very small bubble. Myself and three friends, all of us with spouses. One has a 4-year-old in preschool, in which one parent works certifying clean rooms across the state and the spouse is stay-at-home. Two of us are teachers. Two of us work at home. One spouse works in a store with strict masking policies and is around 2 employees and up to 20 clients per week. Her store has air cleaners in every room. One of us works in an office with about 20 people every day, and most are really good at masking.
We live in a big city in North Carolina. All 8 of use are boostered, and three of us, and the child, have had breakthrough infections (well, the child got it because he isn't vaccinated yet).
Because we live in a fairly mild climate we only spend time together outside. Sure, it gets cold, and it snows, and it rains. One of our houses has a covered porch and a carport, so when we can't sit under the sky we sit under those places. But we bundle up, and we have bonfires, and we suck it up because we love each other and don't want to go without the face-to-face. And we sit well more than 6 feet apart (except spouses, when they are around).
We have not set clear boundaries on what is OK and what isn't, but seem to have arrived at a general consensus. No restaurants, even outdoors. Certainly no movies, shows, events, sports, venues, etc. Groceries and necessary in-person shopping is fine, and we all mask all the time in public. If anyone is exposed, or has symptoms, they can't hang out. If someone does have to go inside (those that need to sit down on a toilet, or to get a beer, for example) go in with a mask and get out quickly.
And that's what we do. We only see each other on weekends, but it's enough. And we feel safe like this.
EDIT: If the bubble is broken someone spends a week away waiting for symptoms or a negative test. It's not like we HAVE to hang out every weekend, but if someone saw their parents or had to go to a thing on a Thursday night, they might not come for days.
posted by Snowishberlin at 1:14 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
We live in a big city in North Carolina. All 8 of use are boostered, and three of us, and the child, have had breakthrough infections (well, the child got it because he isn't vaccinated yet).
Because we live in a fairly mild climate we only spend time together outside. Sure, it gets cold, and it snows, and it rains. One of our houses has a covered porch and a carport, so when we can't sit under the sky we sit under those places. But we bundle up, and we have bonfires, and we suck it up because we love each other and don't want to go without the face-to-face. And we sit well more than 6 feet apart (except spouses, when they are around).
We have not set clear boundaries on what is OK and what isn't, but seem to have arrived at a general consensus. No restaurants, even outdoors. Certainly no movies, shows, events, sports, venues, etc. Groceries and necessary in-person shopping is fine, and we all mask all the time in public. If anyone is exposed, or has symptoms, they can't hang out. If someone does have to go inside (those that need to sit down on a toilet, or to get a beer, for example) go in with a mask and get out quickly.
And that's what we do. We only see each other on weekends, but it's enough. And we feel safe like this.
EDIT: If the bubble is broken someone spends a week away waiting for symptoms or a negative test. It's not like we HAVE to hang out every weekend, but if someone saw their parents or had to go to a thing on a Thursday night, they might not come for days.
posted by Snowishberlin at 1:14 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don’t have a bubble, but my decision making framework is basically to try to evaluate how risky something is, figure out what precautions I can take to make it less risky, think about how much benefit it has, and make a decision based on that. The adults in my home are vaccinated and boosted, we have a vaccinated elementary age kid, and an unvaccinated toddler. Some examples:
Restaurants are very high risk. There isn’t much I could do to make them less risky since I have to unmask to eat. I’d enjoy eating at a restaurant, but it’s not super important to me, so I don’t do it.
Grocery stores are indoors, but I’m not close to anyone for very long, so they’re low-ish risk. I can (and do) wear a good quality mask (kf94) to reduce risk. Going in person (vs the alternative of delivery/curbside pickup) has a moderate benefit, since I like to pick out my own produce and alternatives to out of stock items. Since it’s low risk and moderate benefit, I go in person.
I just started an in-person, indoor class with my toddler. My area is highly vaxxed overall and adults are required to wear masks during the class; toddlers over two are expected to do their best to wear masks. To reduce my risk, I wear a high quality mask and I put my toddler in a cloth mask that she is able to keep on for about 90% of the class. Since my toddler’s mask wearing is imperfect and there are other unmasked toddlers in the class, it’s high risk - not as risky as a restaurant probably, but way more risk than a grocery store. However, it has a HUGE benefit to both my toddler and to me, so it’s worth the tradeoff. (I did outdoor classes w the the toddler over the summer/fall, but that’s not an option in my climate right now).
posted by insectosaurus at 1:25 PM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Restaurants are very high risk. There isn’t much I could do to make them less risky since I have to unmask to eat. I’d enjoy eating at a restaurant, but it’s not super important to me, so I don’t do it.
Grocery stores are indoors, but I’m not close to anyone for very long, so they’re low-ish risk. I can (and do) wear a good quality mask (kf94) to reduce risk. Going in person (vs the alternative of delivery/curbside pickup) has a moderate benefit, since I like to pick out my own produce and alternatives to out of stock items. Since it’s low risk and moderate benefit, I go in person.
I just started an in-person, indoor class with my toddler. My area is highly vaxxed overall and adults are required to wear masks during the class; toddlers over two are expected to do their best to wear masks. To reduce my risk, I wear a high quality mask and I put my toddler in a cloth mask that she is able to keep on for about 90% of the class. Since my toddler’s mask wearing is imperfect and there are other unmasked toddlers in the class, it’s high risk - not as risky as a restaurant probably, but way more risk than a grocery store. However, it has a HUGE benefit to both my toddler and to me, so it’s worth the tradeoff. (I did outdoor classes w the the toddler over the summer/fall, but that’s not an option in my climate right now).
posted by insectosaurus at 1:25 PM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'd like to communicate my expectations for my friends, two of whom spend time in person with 0-2 people per month, the third being much more social.
You are not in a bubble. Figure out what you need to feel safe. It sounds like you live with your husband but maybe not your partner? You can negotiate things with your husband, and perhaps your partner, but you do not get to set expectations for other people or even them.
Are you wanting to spend more time outdoors with people? Then I think it doesn't matter much what they're doing, if they're vaxxed and boosted and you all are sitting around outside and not in super cramped quarters. If you're concerned, wear a mask.
Are you wanting to spend time inside with them, without a mask? Then you all take rapid tests right before that, each time. If you want to spend inside and you're concerned, wear a mask.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:39 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
You are not in a bubble. Figure out what you need to feel safe. It sounds like you live with your husband but maybe not your partner? You can negotiate things with your husband, and perhaps your partner, but you do not get to set expectations for other people or even them.
Are you wanting to spend more time outdoors with people? Then I think it doesn't matter much what they're doing, if they're vaxxed and boosted and you all are sitting around outside and not in super cramped quarters. If you're concerned, wear a mask.
Are you wanting to spend time inside with them, without a mask? Then you all take rapid tests right before that, each time. If you want to spend inside and you're concerned, wear a mask.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:39 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'd like to communicate my expectations for my friends, two of whom spend time in person with 0-2 people per month, the third being much more social.
I'm assuming this is not about bringing either of these friends into your bubble but just talking to them about what is and is not okay with you?
I live alone and work at home. I have an LDR partner who lives with his adult son and comes up to see me every few weeks. We've (all three) been vaxed and boosted. I also have a landlady who lives in the front house who is 96 and has various people in and out of her house. She has been vaxed and boosted but I do not know the status of the people coming in and out of her house but I know she doesn't mask up around them. Following general guidance, I've shifted to wearing a KN95 mask whenever I go indoors anywhere now (usually only the drug store and grocery, but occasionally I'll zip in to a store if I need a thing) and suggested my partner do the same.
Before omicron came into the area I had a short list of friends without kids who I would hang out indoors with. I've dialed that back. The last person I had in my house (a woman who is almost as hermitty as I am) came into my house and told me she'd just taken a COVID test because someone she'd been near was a close contact and blabla and while that all turned out okay, I now no longer feel that we share the same risk-assessment and communication of same, so she's not allowed inside anymore though we'll still take walks outside together.
The way this works with me is basically I'll say "Yeah I'm really not comfortable being indoors with other people until __________" (omicron passes, I get boosted, you get boosted, something else) always being clear that this is how I feel for now, that it's about me, and that it will change. This way people don't feel like you're judging them. I have some people who STILL feel that way and think I'm being prissy about this but that's really on them and they can just miss me for now. I think part of all this communication is a lot like setting other kinds of boundaries, you have to be okay if your boundary is not what someone else might have done, and if they're not okay with your boundary it usually says more about them than whatever your boundary might be.
posted by jessamyn at 1:49 PM on January 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm assuming this is not about bringing either of these friends into your bubble but just talking to them about what is and is not okay with you?
I live alone and work at home. I have an LDR partner who lives with his adult son and comes up to see me every few weeks. We've (all three) been vaxed and boosted. I also have a landlady who lives in the front house who is 96 and has various people in and out of her house. She has been vaxed and boosted but I do not know the status of the people coming in and out of her house but I know she doesn't mask up around them. Following general guidance, I've shifted to wearing a KN95 mask whenever I go indoors anywhere now (usually only the drug store and grocery, but occasionally I'll zip in to a store if I need a thing) and suggested my partner do the same.
Before omicron came into the area I had a short list of friends without kids who I would hang out indoors with. I've dialed that back. The last person I had in my house (a woman who is almost as hermitty as I am) came into my house and told me she'd just taken a COVID test because someone she'd been near was a close contact and blabla and while that all turned out okay, I now no longer feel that we share the same risk-assessment and communication of same, so she's not allowed inside anymore though we'll still take walks outside together.
The way this works with me is basically I'll say "Yeah I'm really not comfortable being indoors with other people until __________" (omicron passes, I get boosted, you get boosted, something else) always being clear that this is how I feel for now, that it's about me, and that it will change. This way people don't feel like you're judging them. I have some people who STILL feel that way and think I'm being prissy about this but that's really on them and they can just miss me for now. I think part of all this communication is a lot like setting other kinds of boundaries, you have to be okay if your boundary is not what someone else might have done, and if they're not okay with your boundary it usually says more about them than whatever your boundary might be.
posted by jessamyn at 1:49 PM on January 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
My husband works with the public in an indoor-setting whereas most of my friends are still mostly working from home, so in most social settings I’m going to be the vector of disease, not my friends. I’m extremely over the pandemic and will probably start seeing friends again soon after taking a monthlong break. I agree with others that you can’t control your friends’ actions, but when gauging your risk it’s worth considering if they or their partner work in a public-facing role.
posted by cakelite at 3:10 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 3:10 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
From the extremely risk tolerant side of things: I don't have a bubble, but among my friend group, it's become common and well-accepted to have times when you're not able to hang out at all in person because you're minimizing contacts. For example, the week before Christmas, we all cancelled our plans in preparation for seeing family, or a friend might say she'll be seeing a relative on X date so she'll be lying low for the week or two leading up to it and can we do Y activity afterwards? Caveat that we're all young, boosted, and low-risk, but this is what works for us.
posted by airplant at 5:03 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by airplant at 5:03 PM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Please share with me examples of how your "bubble" has decided to define what's OK and what's not OK.
My bubble is four adults, fully-vaccinated and boostered, who live in the same house.
-- We have some basic rules. Like, masked errands are fine. Socializing outdoors without masks is fine. Spending time with other people indoors, masked, is okay when necessary. Spending time with other people indoors, NOT masked, is not okay.
-- We don't really revisit or discuss those basic rules much. They're the baseline.
-- Sometimes somebody wants an exemption. Like, during COVID lulls I have spent time with extended family a few times unmasked, and did indoor dining twice. Those exemptions, we negotiate. We've tried to make it a norm that it's totally cool to express reservations and ask probing questions, and that the most risk-averse person gets to set the terms. So for example we might agree that the person who wants the exemption does rapid tests beforehand, or a three-day 'keep to your own part of the house' thing afterwards. Stuff like that.
-- We have one person whose risk of exposure is non-negotiably higher than everyone else's. For that person, we have put a little extra effort into getting them a totally rock-solid well-fitted K95. Otherwise, that is risk we're just accepting.
-- One thing that's become clear to me is that wow do people lie about their exposure risk! Or maybe they are just sloppy, or not paying attention. But so many times someone has assured me that 'yeah I am masked all the time, I am super safe,' and then later after a few questions it's like, 'well except for close friends' or 'I do babysit my nephew every day' or 'in my office I don't wear a mask.' I am just like wow. That's why our bubble is just us. Because we can't control, or even know the risk of, people outside our group.
posted by Susan PG at 5:05 PM on January 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
My bubble is four adults, fully-vaccinated and boostered, who live in the same house.
-- We have some basic rules. Like, masked errands are fine. Socializing outdoors without masks is fine. Spending time with other people indoors, masked, is okay when necessary. Spending time with other people indoors, NOT masked, is not okay.
-- We don't really revisit or discuss those basic rules much. They're the baseline.
-- Sometimes somebody wants an exemption. Like, during COVID lulls I have spent time with extended family a few times unmasked, and did indoor dining twice. Those exemptions, we negotiate. We've tried to make it a norm that it's totally cool to express reservations and ask probing questions, and that the most risk-averse person gets to set the terms. So for example we might agree that the person who wants the exemption does rapid tests beforehand, or a three-day 'keep to your own part of the house' thing afterwards. Stuff like that.
-- We have one person whose risk of exposure is non-negotiably higher than everyone else's. For that person, we have put a little extra effort into getting them a totally rock-solid well-fitted K95. Otherwise, that is risk we're just accepting.
-- One thing that's become clear to me is that wow do people lie about their exposure risk! Or maybe they are just sloppy, or not paying attention. But so many times someone has assured me that 'yeah I am masked all the time, I am super safe,' and then later after a few questions it's like, 'well except for close friends' or 'I do babysit my nephew every day' or 'in my office I don't wear a mask.' I am just like wow. That's why our bubble is just us. Because we can't control, or even know the risk of, people outside our group.
posted by Susan PG at 5:05 PM on January 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
I don't have a bubble, but among my friend group, it's become common and well-accepted to have times when you're not able to hang out at all in person because you're minimizing contacts.
That's a good idea and something that I forgot to mention in my comments above.
Although our family is essentially bubble-free, we also frequently back away from any and all social activities if one of the adults or children is showing any kind of respiratory symptoms. The other families and individuals in our social circle seem to be pretty considerate about doing the same - e.g. my wife's cousin had to miss Christmas dinner because he was symptomatic for "something" involving coughing and sneezing (turned out not to be covid but we appreciated the consideration nonetheless). Everybody we know seems to be understanding about the unpredictability of social plans in the winter with covid being active and aware that plans are always contingent on the absence of cold and flu symptoms.
posted by theorique at 5:53 AM on January 26, 2022
That's a good idea and something that I forgot to mention in my comments above.
Although our family is essentially bubble-free, we also frequently back away from any and all social activities if one of the adults or children is showing any kind of respiratory symptoms. The other families and individuals in our social circle seem to be pretty considerate about doing the same - e.g. my wife's cousin had to miss Christmas dinner because he was symptomatic for "something" involving coughing and sneezing (turned out not to be covid but we appreciated the consideration nonetheless). Everybody we know seems to be understanding about the unpredictability of social plans in the winter with covid being active and aware that plans are always contingent on the absence of cold and flu symptoms.
posted by theorique at 5:53 AM on January 26, 2022
I agree with the people above who say you don't actually have a bubble. If you have close contact with anyone who has close contact with people other than you, that's not a bubble.
That said, you can absolutely have ongoing conversations with your loved ones about your risk tolerance. I have a medium-high level of risk at work, so I am a) more careful in my social life because I'm not trying to kill anyone, and b) less willing to take risks in my social life because I feel like I've used up a lot of my "risk budget" at work. So I have friends who regularly eat indoors, who understand that if they want me to join, they have to reserve an outdoor table and brave the cold. And I understand that they're going to go without me to the restaurant that doesn't have outdoor options, and that I'll miss that and see them the next day. And when I went to visit my niblings, my sibling asked (and I readily acquiesced) to spending 5 days isolating from work and then testing before the visit, to avoid exposing unvaccinated children to the germs I bring home from work. I have friends who are more cautious than I am, and I haven't seen them indoors in two years, and I expect it'll be that way indefinitely. I have a friend who has cancer, and we're still doing zoom chats even though I've grown to loathe zoom, because I'm not in any way going to push him to set one foot outside his home until he feels safe.
The way I make this work is, we all have frequent, explicit conversations about these things, to make sure we get to spend the maximum amount of time possible together without making anyone feel uncomfortable. The important part isn't what the rule you end up with is; it's creating an environment where everyone feels free to set their own boundaries, and no one pressures anyone to do anything they don't want to do, and everyone understands that it's not personal or judgmental, it's that we're all guessing, and the fact that we've landed in different places on the risk tolerance spectrum doesn't lessen the strength of our relationship bonds.
posted by decathecting at 5:39 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
That said, you can absolutely have ongoing conversations with your loved ones about your risk tolerance. I have a medium-high level of risk at work, so I am a) more careful in my social life because I'm not trying to kill anyone, and b) less willing to take risks in my social life because I feel like I've used up a lot of my "risk budget" at work. So I have friends who regularly eat indoors, who understand that if they want me to join, they have to reserve an outdoor table and brave the cold. And I understand that they're going to go without me to the restaurant that doesn't have outdoor options, and that I'll miss that and see them the next day. And when I went to visit my niblings, my sibling asked (and I readily acquiesced) to spending 5 days isolating from work and then testing before the visit, to avoid exposing unvaccinated children to the germs I bring home from work. I have friends who are more cautious than I am, and I haven't seen them indoors in two years, and I expect it'll be that way indefinitely. I have a friend who has cancer, and we're still doing zoom chats even though I've grown to loathe zoom, because I'm not in any way going to push him to set one foot outside his home until he feels safe.
The way I make this work is, we all have frequent, explicit conversations about these things, to make sure we get to spend the maximum amount of time possible together without making anyone feel uncomfortable. The important part isn't what the rule you end up with is; it's creating an environment where everyone feels free to set their own boundaries, and no one pressures anyone to do anything they don't want to do, and everyone understands that it's not personal or judgmental, it's that we're all guessing, and the fact that we've landed in different places on the risk tolerance spectrum doesn't lessen the strength of our relationship bonds.
posted by decathecting at 5:39 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
First, if you are in the US, I would wait another couple of weeks until the Omicron numbers are back down before making changes. You've waited this long, why not hold out just a little longe when the risk will be substantially less.
I think of "bubble" as people that you are around in a relaxed, unprotected way. If this is your "bubble" then you do need to have a consensus on what people are doing. For your friends who are with 0-2 other people per month (plus maybe some trips to the store with masks? etc) tif you were interested in being able to be together indoors and unmasked, then a frank conversation about what they want, about how they protect themselves, about what you are hoping for with an understanding that everyone will communicate if they do something outside of the general agreement, giving the others the option to not meet up for a week or so after the potentially more exposing.
For your friend with a more active social life, I would think of it not as a bubble where you are totally relaxed with each other because you are all being at similar levels of caution but rather as wanting to set boundaries that keep you at your own level of comfort. So, there a frank talk about what the friend's rules are for themselves and then you figure out what level of protection you need or ask for when you get together. So, maybe you keep things the way they are - outdoors and masked. Or maybe you ease up just a little - outdoors and unmasked so you can share food or chat more comfortably. But not asking the friend to change their whole life to accommodate your bubble - just be realistic about their risk factors and how comfortable you are being around them.
posted by metahawk at 11:30 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]