HELP: Risk of contracting herpes?

January 5, 2020 2:16 AM

Can I contract herpes? I’ve started seeing a woman who told me has herpes although she’s very, very rarely symptomatic (she said she’d gotten it via a nail salon, which doesn’t make a difference in terms of transmission, ultimately, from what little I understand?). We’ve gotten partway physical (mainly me using hands) but haven’t had PIV sex nor have I gone down on her, much as I want to.

So…if she’s not visibly symptomatic (would herpes contracted this way manifest in genitals?), can we have condom-/dental-dam-free sex without transmission to me? I’ll add that, since she contracted herpes, she’s also had unprotected sex with others who have herpes. Does that make things more risky in terms of avoiding contagion on my part? And, finally, can even finger play risk transmission if I have microcuts on my hands? Despite researching online and here, I feel really ignorant about this. Please help. I’d like not to have to go the condom/dental dam route. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (10 answers total)

She needs to tell you where her herpes manifests: oral area, genital area, both, somewhere else? That will dictate what kinds of activities carry risk.

If hers appears in the genital area, then PIV sex would carry risk, and you should know that condoms don’t protect perfectly. If hers appears on her mouth, then oral sex would carry risk. And so on.

Her nail salon claim seems a little odd to me. I would ask questions. If it’s from a manicure or pedicure, I’d expect an infection on hands or feet (similar case). If it’s from waxing or something like that, is it in the area the service was performed? Herpes is common and not a particularly big deal IMO, but lying/dissembling are dealbreakers for me. YMMV.

Since you say you don’t know much about herpes, I’ll direct you to the CDC site, which is a good place to start learning.
posted by shb at 2:52 AM on January 5, 2020 [6 favorites]

I should add that it’s possible to spread herpes around your own body (see CDC site above). So it’s plausible her herpes could manifest on her hand (from a manicure) and elsewhere (e.g., her genital area if she spread it via masturbating with an active hand outbreak). But I would ask more about the nail salon claim.
posted by shb at 3:11 AM on January 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

Agree with @shb in that you really need to ask more questions here.
Be gentle, be kind, but be firm that you need to know the truth.

Herpes isn't something to be feared, but it is something to be educated about and be careful with.
I also agree that lying about it, or skirting around the truth is a deal breaker.

Gather all the information about her outbreaks, educate yourself on how it is spread and what precautions you need to take, and then go from there.

As someone who gets the occasional cold sore on my lip, I have had past girlfriends declare that a deal breaker, and I didn't hold that against them.
Even my wife of 10 years paused and thought about it a great deal after I told her, but luckily for me, she decided that precautions and vigilance were enough to move forward.
posted by Bill Watches Movies Podcast at 3:19 AM on January 5, 2020

Given that herpes can be dormant for months or years without showing any symptoms and that most people are poorly educated about it, jumping to the conclusion that she is a liar just because her explanation doesn't seem to make sense is pretty ridiculous; she herself may be mistaken about her herpes' origins.

Not only that, she doesn't have any obligation to give explicit details of her sexual past to you. Her job is to reveal any risks so you can provide informed consent, not to allow you to interrogate her about her sexual history.

Contracting an incurable, socially stigmatised disease is distressing and traumatic for many people, and it's also possible that she contracted it under distressing or traumatic circumstances. You aren't entitled to press for details about those circumstances that she hasn't voluntarily disclosed.

You are entitled to ask for details about the illness itself like severity, location and frequency of outbreaks.

Unfortunately, there will always be some limited risk of you contracting herpes from her, if you don't already have it (you might have it and not know). Condoms do not guarantee protection, nor does anti -viral medication. It's possible to contract herpes from someone who is not having an active outbreak. All of these things limit your risk, but the risk will always be there.

Having oral, manual or genital contact with that region that has the herpes all put you at risk.

The fact that she has had sex with other herpes sufferers doesn't directly impact your likelihood of getting it, except in that it's slightly more possible that she has both strains of herpes. When two people with herpes have sex they don't make extra-strength herpes.

Where someone caught their herpes has no impact on how transmittable it is. It's the same viruses no matter where they came from.

I suggest you check out r/herpes for more info.
posted by windykites at 6:50 AM on January 5, 2020 [32 favorites]

I highly recommend the book The Good News About the Bad News: Herpes: Everything You Need to Know by Terri Warren. This book covers the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2, the different physical locations where outbreaks happen, transmission rates, how to reduce the likelihood of transmission, and most importantly, how to talk about it.
posted by msladygrey at 12:03 PM on January 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

Yes, you can contract herpes genitally even if you use a condom. First thing, though: have you ever been tested for HSV 1 and HSV2? You could have it even if you’ve never had an outbreak. So you might get tested first. HSV testing is not part of standard STI testing, so you’ll have to ask specifically for it (sometimes
doctors don’t want to test for it so you might have to explain your reasons).

Next, yes, people shed the virus even when they’re not symptomatic, so they don’t know when they’re shedding. In this case, a condom won’t necessarily protect you. Condoms do reduce transmission but do not eliminate it.

I know a man who contracted HSV2 from a female partner with whom he used a condom for PIV sex (I wasn’t there! But believe he was truthful). She had never had an outbreak; it wasn’t until two months later when she got an outbreak and got tested that she learned she had had it for a while (there are two tests and one works for newer infections and one for older infections).

There are medicines which can reduce outbreaks and which reduce her shedding, but she’d have to take it everyday, and it’s not 100% effective.

There’s also a chance you’ve had sex before with people who have herpes, and they might not have known. There’s a lot of stigma around it, even though some people might only have one outbreak ever.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:42 PM on January 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

I was with someone for about 5 years who had genital herpes. She hadn't had an outbreak for decades and didn't actually tell me about it when we met. I think she might have forgotten or thought it had gone away. Until she had an outbreak. We had been having lots of unprotected sex, though not just prior to her outbreak thankfully. It was the only one she had while we were together. I thought she would be my last sexual partner and I knew that barrier methods were not 100% effective anyway, so I just accepted the risk at the time.

After we split up and before I dated anyone else I asked my GP about it and he asked me if I had ever had any symptoms, which I had not. When I asked to be tested for it he said there was no practical way to do that if there were no symptoms. I'm not sure that's entirely correct and it may depend on the definition of "practical" in this context - I guess a lumbar puncture would show genital herpes because it resides in the spine when inactive.

I would not base any kind of behavioural strategy on this information.
posted by mewsic at 12:10 AM on January 6, 2020

She should be able to get a blood test to test for antibodies to the herpes virus. This will also tell her whether she has HSV-1 or HSV-2 (or both).

Condoms aren't 100% effective in protecting from genital herpes, but do offer significant protection. Her taking a daily anti-viral medication like valacyclovir will reduce risk of transmission as well.
posted by quince at 1:43 AM on January 6, 2020

When I asked to be tested for it he said there was no practical way to do that if there were no symptoms.

The most common test is when someone has an active outbreak and they take a culture. However, there are also blood tests (not lumbar punctures!). The blood tests are called igG and igM. They aren’t perfect but they’re pretty good.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:22 AM on January 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

i have been with a partner for over a decade who has hsv-1. i have never had an outbreak despite lots of unprotected sex. we of course abstain during an outbreak. i finally just asked my dr for the blood tests. i show as having been exposed, but asymptomatic. my guess is i likely was exposed before my partner bc of my own personal risk tolerance and just how common it is.

absolutely ask her basic questions about where she gets outbreaks, but you might also get tested to see if you're worrying about a thing you already have.
posted by radiopaste at 1:05 PM on January 6, 2020