To adopt a child or not to adopt?
October 27, 2021 5:16 PM Subscribe
I can't believe I'm asking strangers on the internet, but we need help deciding whether we want to adopt a child or be a family of 3. Details inside.
I feel like a jerk even writing this because all our considerations for adopting versus just being a family of 3 are too "practical." We are not one of those couples that's always dreamt of adopting or that thinks being a parent is magical and wonderful, and neither of us dreamt of a big family. However, we always said that if we want a second child, it will be through adoption.
If we want to adopt a child, we would need to get moving with that NOW, for these reasons:
- My husband has adoption benefits at work, including generous reimbursement for adoption fees AND paid parental leave, and the plan is for him to become 100% freelance in 1.5 years, meaning he would lose those benefits.
- Our only child is 4 and we would want our kids to be close-ish in age.
- We will have childcare help over the next few years from in-laws living near us, but probably not forever.
We love our son, but we both agree that we would have been equally happy without kids because it's just so. much. work. We're pretty good parents and we know that if we adopt we can give that child a good life, full of love, support, learning, laughter, fun, opportunities, experiences, education, etc. However, we're hesitant, and here are our concerns (which are mostly my concerns, though my husband understands them all):
1) We would want a child between ~1.5-4 years, to skip that awfully hard newborn phase and have the kids be closer in age. Preferably a boy. Ideally, we would want a child who is generally "healthy" just because parenting is already impossibly hard, I don't know if I can willingly take on a special needs child... (even though I realize anybody can become special needs or physically disabled at any time and I would still love them and care for them). Is it possible to be that specific with an adoption agency? Would it take forever to find a match since we are so specific? Would an adoption agency think we were assholes for even asking for that? Would a child who didn't get tons of love and snuggles from day 1 and wasn't read to and sung to and talked to from infancy potentially have a higher chance of emotional or learning issues? I'm not saying we did everything 100% right with our biological son but we sure tried to do everything recommended to help ensure that he is growing and developing healthy and happy and feeling secure, and our kid is pretty great.
2) The thought of 2 car seats to haul around when traveling, 2 bikes, 2 scooters, 2 bedtime routines, 2 school drop offs, feeding 2 picky kids, 4 plane tickets, 4 Broadway show tickets, etc, overwhelms me, from a "stuff" and "hassle" point of view and also from a financial point of view. We're trying to be minimalist and we love to travel. We want to go live in a different country and have our son learn one of our second languages fluently in that country, and our financial and work situation is finally lining up to be able to do that in a year. It's hard enough to plan all that with one kid. We are also planning to retire early, and do we want to give some of that up, or to have to work for several more years?
3) How expensive is the adoption process and how awful would it be if we decide not to go through with it after a year or so of trying to find a match? It is my understanding that my husband's employer benefits are only at the completion of a successful adoption... I am not sure I want to spend thousands of dollars paying an agency and then change our mind because my husband is ready to leave the job with the adoption benefits. I feel like a jerk just thinking of it this way.
4) Would I connect with and love the adopted child as much as my biological child?? People always say they do, but frankly, I don't really *love* being around other people's kids.
5) If something ever happens to my husband, I don't 100% feel comfortable being a single mom of 2. That seems so impossibly hard. At the same time I don't want to be a single mom of 1 either, so what's one more, right??
Why are we even considering adopting, given all these hesitations?? Well, it would be great if our child had a sibling, as a kid and as an adult. It would be amazing if we could help one child not be in foster care their whole life. We were always open to the idea of adopting and once I went through pregnancy and gave birth I knew that I will never want to do that part again.
How do we decide, especially considering that time is ticking for our specific situation? My husband is totally OK with adopting *or* with being a family of 3, and he definitely doesn't overthink things as much. He would just go for it if I said "let's do this." At the same time, if this was something he really wanted his whole life, I would also just say "let's do this." We keep bringing it up for a whole year now and being undecided.
I feel like a jerk even writing this because all our considerations for adopting versus just being a family of 3 are too "practical." We are not one of those couples that's always dreamt of adopting or that thinks being a parent is magical and wonderful, and neither of us dreamt of a big family. However, we always said that if we want a second child, it will be through adoption.
If we want to adopt a child, we would need to get moving with that NOW, for these reasons:
- My husband has adoption benefits at work, including generous reimbursement for adoption fees AND paid parental leave, and the plan is for him to become 100% freelance in 1.5 years, meaning he would lose those benefits.
- Our only child is 4 and we would want our kids to be close-ish in age.
- We will have childcare help over the next few years from in-laws living near us, but probably not forever.
We love our son, but we both agree that we would have been equally happy without kids because it's just so. much. work. We're pretty good parents and we know that if we adopt we can give that child a good life, full of love, support, learning, laughter, fun, opportunities, experiences, education, etc. However, we're hesitant, and here are our concerns (which are mostly my concerns, though my husband understands them all):
1) We would want a child between ~1.5-4 years, to skip that awfully hard newborn phase and have the kids be closer in age. Preferably a boy. Ideally, we would want a child who is generally "healthy" just because parenting is already impossibly hard, I don't know if I can willingly take on a special needs child... (even though I realize anybody can become special needs or physically disabled at any time and I would still love them and care for them). Is it possible to be that specific with an adoption agency? Would it take forever to find a match since we are so specific? Would an adoption agency think we were assholes for even asking for that? Would a child who didn't get tons of love and snuggles from day 1 and wasn't read to and sung to and talked to from infancy potentially have a higher chance of emotional or learning issues? I'm not saying we did everything 100% right with our biological son but we sure tried to do everything recommended to help ensure that he is growing and developing healthy and happy and feeling secure, and our kid is pretty great.
2) The thought of 2 car seats to haul around when traveling, 2 bikes, 2 scooters, 2 bedtime routines, 2 school drop offs, feeding 2 picky kids, 4 plane tickets, 4 Broadway show tickets, etc, overwhelms me, from a "stuff" and "hassle" point of view and also from a financial point of view. We're trying to be minimalist and we love to travel. We want to go live in a different country and have our son learn one of our second languages fluently in that country, and our financial and work situation is finally lining up to be able to do that in a year. It's hard enough to plan all that with one kid. We are also planning to retire early, and do we want to give some of that up, or to have to work for several more years?
3) How expensive is the adoption process and how awful would it be if we decide not to go through with it after a year or so of trying to find a match? It is my understanding that my husband's employer benefits are only at the completion of a successful adoption... I am not sure I want to spend thousands of dollars paying an agency and then change our mind because my husband is ready to leave the job with the adoption benefits. I feel like a jerk just thinking of it this way.
4) Would I connect with and love the adopted child as much as my biological child?? People always say they do, but frankly, I don't really *love* being around other people's kids.
5) If something ever happens to my husband, I don't 100% feel comfortable being a single mom of 2. That seems so impossibly hard. At the same time I don't want to be a single mom of 1 either, so what's one more, right??
Why are we even considering adopting, given all these hesitations?? Well, it would be great if our child had a sibling, as a kid and as an adult. It would be amazing if we could help one child not be in foster care their whole life. We were always open to the idea of adopting and once I went through pregnancy and gave birth I knew that I will never want to do that part again.
How do we decide, especially considering that time is ticking for our specific situation? My husband is totally OK with adopting *or* with being a family of 3, and he definitely doesn't overthink things as much. He would just go for it if I said "let's do this." At the same time, if this was something he really wanted his whole life, I would also just say "let's do this." We keep bringing it up for a whole year now and being undecided.
Two thoughts. As a (biological) mom of two, the "two of everything" issue isn't that bad. In some ways, it is noticeable that you just went from a 2:1 parent: child ratio to a 1:1. But there are a lot of economies of scale (babysitters go from like $16-8/hr to $18-20/hr where I am when you go up from one kid to two). A lot of things work in series, with kid #2 getting sick of something maybe a year before kid #1 is ready to use it. Sedans accommodate two kids as easily as one.
Regarding how to move forward, my latest philosophy is to just keep putting one step in front of the other. Do I want that job? Well, I'll know way more about the people and the duties by going through an interview process. Do I want to move to a small town? Well, why don't I start taking long weekends in various towns nearby, maybe even spending a season in a rental. I'm not sure what that looks like in your case (an orientation webinar with an adoption agency about what the process is like?)
I know this doesn't answer your big question. Good luck!!
posted by slidell at 5:51 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
Regarding how to move forward, my latest philosophy is to just keep putting one step in front of the other. Do I want that job? Well, I'll know way more about the people and the duties by going through an interview process. Do I want to move to a small town? Well, why don't I start taking long weekends in various towns nearby, maybe even spending a season in a rental. I'm not sure what that looks like in your case (an orientation webinar with an adoption agency about what the process is like?)
I know this doesn't answer your big question. Good luck!!
posted by slidell at 5:51 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
Please don’t adopt a child. The process is really hard and takes a lot of intentional effort before you even get to parent, with surprises and failures and challenges, so you want to be the kind of person who can handle that, even be excited to work through the challenges. Once they are a little bit older an adopted child will have many years of self-discovery around being adopted, so you want to be strong and willing to help them through that process. From what you have written I don’t think you will be a supportive adoptive parent. I suggest making an appointment with 2-3 adoption agencies or foster care counselors and get their reaction to your questions here. Also, the Adoption sub on Reddit is very honest with this kind of thing, give them a shot.
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 6:01 PM on October 27, 2021 [56 favorites]
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 6:01 PM on October 27, 2021 [56 favorites]
Would a child who didn't get tons of love and snuggles from day 1 and wasn't read to and sung to and talked to from infancy potentially have a higher chance of emotional or learning issues?
I have known several families that adopted young children and I think the answer to this tends to be "yes" - ranging from issues that are not unusual (especially in pre-teen/teen years) up to challenging attachment issues where you just have to accept that the child's capacity to love and show affection is not what you imagined but you still love them.
I grew up with a mother who was very pro-adoption although the only adoptions in our extended family involved adopting step-children. So, as adult, I've been a little surprised to realize that it really is often more complex and challenging to raise a kid who had a history of chaos and abandonment in their very early years. I suppose this is where talking to families who have had similar adoptions will be way more helpful than random strangers like me.
posted by metahawk at 6:03 PM on October 27, 2021 [7 favorites]
I have known several families that adopted young children and I think the answer to this tends to be "yes" - ranging from issues that are not unusual (especially in pre-teen/teen years) up to challenging attachment issues where you just have to accept that the child's capacity to love and show affection is not what you imagined but you still love them.
I grew up with a mother who was very pro-adoption although the only adoptions in our extended family involved adopting step-children. So, as adult, I've been a little surprised to realize that it really is often more complex and challenging to raise a kid who had a history of chaos and abandonment in their very early years. I suppose this is where talking to families who have had similar adoptions will be way more helpful than random strangers like me.
posted by metahawk at 6:03 PM on October 27, 2021 [7 favorites]
I can't help with much of this, but if there's any part of you that feels like "Gosh, we should do this because we have the privilege and ability to do so and it's the right thing to do, there are so many babies that need a home", this article might be clarifying.
posted by stray at 6:03 PM on October 27, 2021 [18 favorites]
posted by stray at 6:03 PM on October 27, 2021 [18 favorites]
[[NOTE: all of my answers assume that you would seek to adopt from foster care. So if there is some other program or private agency that you might use, many of these many not apply.]]
We are a foster family, and just two weeks ago we finalized the adoption of two kids - 14 and 8 years old - from foster care. They had been placed with us for three years when the adoption was finalized. Before they came to our family, we had already been foster parents for several years and we had cared for more than 20 kids for very short (5 days) and longer (1 year+) periods. We have two biological kids who are 17 and 15. If you want to know more - heck, if anyone reading this wants to know more - about fostering, please memail me and I will gladly and confidentially talk with you.
The #1 thing I would say is that we did our best to love every foster care placement that came into our home. And unequivocally, we love all four of our kids like they are our own. We are so happy to have our two youngest in our family. Fostering is a unique joy and I would recommend it to anyone who has the inclination and capacity to love a kid. Like that saying goes: if you are lucky enough to have more than you need, build a bigger table rather than a higher wall.
The #2 thing I would say (very respectfully) is that your vision of a healthy, emotionally secure, and school-ready kid who is less than four years old and readily adoptable from foster care is...not very realistic. Almost by definition, kids in foster care come from a background of trauma. It may be active trauma like physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or it may be passive trauma like neglect or exposure to unsafe things or substance abuse from parents, or it may be both. The kids wouldn't be in the system otherwise. And the kids who ARE in the system who have a capable support network will likely be placed with relatives rather than in search of a placement. So you should think critically about whether and how you are ready to really deal with some of the hard stuff that will come with fostering. We are well versed in IEPs and trauma-informed parenting, and we use sometimes totally different strategies and parenting styles with our youngest kids. We have had some really, really, really hard and tear-filled and defeating days as foster parents.
Here are a bunch of other very practical considerations about fostering and adoption:
* To become a foster parent, you will need to be licensed by your state. That will almost for sure mean doing some basic things like a home visit/inspection, an application packet, and a training course. Where we are in Illinois, PRIDE training was 27 hours and the licensing process by itself took a little more than 4 months. Adoption training was an additional 10 hours.
* If your placement guidelines are narrow - 1 child only rather than siblings, 1.5-4 years, boy, no special issues - you may have a match right away or you may wait for several months or more to get a placement. Also, sometimes the information you can learn about a potential placement before saying yes is very limited; we often got not much more than gender and ages. More than once we said yes to a placement and found out that the kids had more complicated emotional or educational needs than what was initially described.
* Many times, the "goal" of the foster care case is for the child to return home. In Illinois, that is typically the default initial goal. So when a child is in DCFS care, the bio parents are getting services (drug treatment, parenting classes, job or housing help, etc.) with an aim to be in a position to take care of their own kids. That means two things: (a) a foster kid is not "adoptable" until the goal is changed, which will require the bio parent to fail in their progress towards return home, and (b) during the time when their case is active, the foster child will often be in contact with their bio parents through court-ordered visitations or telephone/facetime calls. Kids love their mom and dad, even when they have been through bad stuff with them, and the "reentry" to your family routine after visits can be rough.
* Based on the above, timelines about when a child will be adoptable often stretch out. In our kids' case, it was clear from the outset that there would/could be no return home. But it still took 2.5 years from the time we told the agency that we were a pre-adoptive home to the final order.
* Getting a passport for a kid in foster care is really hard (not impossible, but really hard), and while a case is active getting permission to leave the country is hard too. Sometimes even leaving the state for more than a weekend requires advance notice and approval, and if it conflicts with visitation schedules it can be complicated.
* (Here's a good one!) If you adopt from foster care, the state will typically provide a subsidy to cover adoption costs. Our adoption cost was $0: the attorney fees, filing fees, training, etc. was all covered by the state. So your husband's subsidy - which presumably covers private adoptions - is not as important for foster care.
I hope that something in here was helpful, and I hope that it wasn't too doom and gloom. Foster care and adoption can be a wonderful thing and I'm so happy we did it. But as a foster parent for going on 7 years, I also thought it was helpful to be realistic about what it involves both from an emotional and bureaucratic standpoint.
posted by AgentRocket at 6:10 PM on October 27, 2021 [95 favorites]
We are a foster family, and just two weeks ago we finalized the adoption of two kids - 14 and 8 years old - from foster care. They had been placed with us for three years when the adoption was finalized. Before they came to our family, we had already been foster parents for several years and we had cared for more than 20 kids for very short (5 days) and longer (1 year+) periods. We have two biological kids who are 17 and 15. If you want to know more - heck, if anyone reading this wants to know more - about fostering, please memail me and I will gladly and confidentially talk with you.
The #1 thing I would say is that we did our best to love every foster care placement that came into our home. And unequivocally, we love all four of our kids like they are our own. We are so happy to have our two youngest in our family. Fostering is a unique joy and I would recommend it to anyone who has the inclination and capacity to love a kid. Like that saying goes: if you are lucky enough to have more than you need, build a bigger table rather than a higher wall.
The #2 thing I would say (very respectfully) is that your vision of a healthy, emotionally secure, and school-ready kid who is less than four years old and readily adoptable from foster care is...not very realistic. Almost by definition, kids in foster care come from a background of trauma. It may be active trauma like physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or it may be passive trauma like neglect or exposure to unsafe things or substance abuse from parents, or it may be both. The kids wouldn't be in the system otherwise. And the kids who ARE in the system who have a capable support network will likely be placed with relatives rather than in search of a placement. So you should think critically about whether and how you are ready to really deal with some of the hard stuff that will come with fostering. We are well versed in IEPs and trauma-informed parenting, and we use sometimes totally different strategies and parenting styles with our youngest kids. We have had some really, really, really hard and tear-filled and defeating days as foster parents.
Here are a bunch of other very practical considerations about fostering and adoption:
* To become a foster parent, you will need to be licensed by your state. That will almost for sure mean doing some basic things like a home visit/inspection, an application packet, and a training course. Where we are in Illinois, PRIDE training was 27 hours and the licensing process by itself took a little more than 4 months. Adoption training was an additional 10 hours.
* If your placement guidelines are narrow - 1 child only rather than siblings, 1.5-4 years, boy, no special issues - you may have a match right away or you may wait for several months or more to get a placement. Also, sometimes the information you can learn about a potential placement before saying yes is very limited; we often got not much more than gender and ages. More than once we said yes to a placement and found out that the kids had more complicated emotional or educational needs than what was initially described.
* Many times, the "goal" of the foster care case is for the child to return home. In Illinois, that is typically the default initial goal. So when a child is in DCFS care, the bio parents are getting services (drug treatment, parenting classes, job or housing help, etc.) with an aim to be in a position to take care of their own kids. That means two things: (a) a foster kid is not "adoptable" until the goal is changed, which will require the bio parent to fail in their progress towards return home, and (b) during the time when their case is active, the foster child will often be in contact with their bio parents through court-ordered visitations or telephone/facetime calls. Kids love their mom and dad, even when they have been through bad stuff with them, and the "reentry" to your family routine after visits can be rough.
* Based on the above, timelines about when a child will be adoptable often stretch out. In our kids' case, it was clear from the outset that there would/could be no return home. But it still took 2.5 years from the time we told the agency that we were a pre-adoptive home to the final order.
* Getting a passport for a kid in foster care is really hard (not impossible, but really hard), and while a case is active getting permission to leave the country is hard too. Sometimes even leaving the state for more than a weekend requires advance notice and approval, and if it conflicts with visitation schedules it can be complicated.
* (Here's a good one!) If you adopt from foster care, the state will typically provide a subsidy to cover adoption costs. Our adoption cost was $0: the attorney fees, filing fees, training, etc. was all covered by the state. So your husband's subsidy - which presumably covers private adoptions - is not as important for foster care.
I hope that something in here was helpful, and I hope that it wasn't too doom and gloom. Foster care and adoption can be a wonderful thing and I'm so happy we did it. But as a foster parent for going on 7 years, I also thought it was helpful to be realistic about what it involves both from an emotional and bureaucratic standpoint.
posted by AgentRocket at 6:10 PM on October 27, 2021 [95 favorites]
I think it sounds like adoption would very likely be more than you want to deal with. One kid is plenty. It's ok to have an only child.
posted by shadygrove at 6:21 PM on October 27, 2021 [17 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:21 PM on October 27, 2021 [17 favorites]
I’m an only child. I am totally comfortable with that. I don’t think you can make a decision about forcing a sibling onto your child for your child s sake.
I think there are too many things that would make this difficult for you. Just my opinion. At the same time, I’ve never wanted kids. But that in many ways comes from a lot of similar lines of thoughts and feelings that you are discussing here.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:54 PM on October 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
I think there are too many things that would make this difficult for you. Just my opinion. At the same time, I’ve never wanted kids. But that in many ways comes from a lot of similar lines of thoughts and feelings that you are discussing here.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:54 PM on October 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
Every adoption should be considered “special needs,” because adoptive parents must be prepared to invest the time and energy in supporting whatever social, emotional, psychological, educational, and developmental needs the child has, which will very likely be higher as a result of the fact of their adoption. Adoptive parents need to educate themselves about how adoption impacts people, cultivate relationships within adoption communities, navigate issues of closed and/or open adoption, get educational assessments, get therapy for themselves and their child, foster attachment with the child, and develop opportunities to engage with the child’s birth culture.
posted by alicat at 7:17 PM on October 27, 2021 [17 favorites]
posted by alicat at 7:17 PM on October 27, 2021 [17 favorites]
You don't sound at all convinced you really want another child. You're considering the administrative reasons, but there's no real desire indicated.
posted by theora55 at 7:24 PM on October 27, 2021 [37 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 7:24 PM on October 27, 2021 [37 favorites]
I have been learning more about the “business of adoption” via adoptees on social media lately, and I want to emphasize that, as said above, not only do all kids in foster care have trauma, adoption itself causes trauma. No matter how great your family is or how much support you offer, remember that this is a monumental change for the child and be prepared to help them through that. Yes, even for little children!
posted by itsamermaid at 7:26 PM on October 27, 2021 [20 favorites]
posted by itsamermaid at 7:26 PM on October 27, 2021 [20 favorites]
This really reads like you only want to have one child. I think all of your concerns (except #4) are totally valid and it's fine to have just one child.
posted by Gravel at 7:52 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Gravel at 7:52 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
Siblings are overrated. (Kidding/not kidding!) I'd wager most of us who have them wished to be an only child sometimes. I have good relationships with mine, but like any relationships they've caused me trauma and stress. It sounds like you're making sure your kid is well socialized and has a supportive family network even if he ends up your only one.
posted by doift at 7:57 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by doift at 7:57 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
Your post is mostly a wall of text explaining why you don't want another kid, and your only reasons for potentially wanting another kid seem based on guilt rather than a real desire. Like some other posters, I'm an only child, and I've never wanted a sibling, and I got enough early socialization from my parents' friends' kids - also good to keep in mind while some siblings remain close into adulthood, and that's lovely, some siblings drift apart, or even actively dislike each other - there is no guarantees there.
Would a child who didn't get tons of love and snuggles from day 1 and wasn't read to and sung to and talked to from infancy potentially have a higher chance of emotional or learning issues?
I can provide a relevant anecdote here. A family member decided to adopt (this was decades ago so the details are fuzzy) they locate a baby around 1.5 years abroad, they travel to that country to pick up the baby, and then lo and behold, they learn that the baby has an older sibling (3 or 4). They agree to adopt both, but they soon came to believe it was a scam– the kids looked nothing alike, and the older child had a prickly and difficult personality - it's clear the kid suffered some real trauma in their early years. The family member loves both of their adopted kids dearly (who are now adults), but I wouldn't adopt if you'll be disappointed with a child who may be "difficult."
posted by coffeecat at 9:23 PM on October 27, 2021 [6 favorites]
Would a child who didn't get tons of love and snuggles from day 1 and wasn't read to and sung to and talked to from infancy potentially have a higher chance of emotional or learning issues?
I can provide a relevant anecdote here. A family member decided to adopt (this was decades ago so the details are fuzzy) they locate a baby around 1.5 years abroad, they travel to that country to pick up the baby, and then lo and behold, they learn that the baby has an older sibling (3 or 4). They agree to adopt both, but they soon came to believe it was a scam– the kids looked nothing alike, and the older child had a prickly and difficult personality - it's clear the kid suffered some real trauma in their early years. The family member loves both of their adopted kids dearly (who are now adults), but I wouldn't adopt if you'll be disappointed with a child who may be "difficult."
posted by coffeecat at 9:23 PM on October 27, 2021 [6 favorites]
I'm an adoptive mother by choice. I also did not want to pursue a pregnancy (lots of difficult pregnancies among women in my family) and thought that adoption seemed an ethical way to grow a family. Oh boy is it so much more complicated than that.
I want to encourage you to seek out the opinions of adult adoptees, not other adoptive parents or agencies. They're the ones whose voices matter, and who are rarely heard.
Next, yeah, I'm sorry, but what you want -- a young, healthy child in foster care with no special needs who is available for adoption -- isn't all that common. Kids don't end up in foster care because good things have been happening in their lives, you know? Plus, there are lots of families who want to adopt kids like this. Also, the goal of foster care is reunification, not adoption. So you're not really saving a kid (which I know is a lovely vision, but it's a bit outdated).
Also, you said this: "We would want a child between ~1.5-4 years, to skip that awfully hard newborn phase." I can speak to this a bit, as my kids were about 18 months and 4 years when I adopted them. Respectfully, if you want to skip an awfully hard phase, do not adopt. Adopting a baby is no guarantee of healthy attachment, and adopting an older child doesn't guarantee the child won't have a healthy attachment to you. But it is a lot of work. A lot.
Let's spin this around a bit. Imagine that your child now was taken out of your home one night with no explanation and stuck in a new home and told, "These are your parents." How would your child handle that, with your child's good upbringing so far? It would be incredibly traumatic. They would have stress, confusion, trauma, grief, a whole host of things. Would they be a child without special needs or who is emotionally stable after being wrenched from their parents? Probably not! They would need a lot of love and tender attention and parents who are ready to parent a child dealing with major disruption and trauma.
It sounds like you want to have another child because you think your child should have a sibling. I don't think that's a good enough reason, not at all, and especially not to adopt. It almost reads like you already resent this imaginary other kid for limiting your freedom, from preventing you from retiring early, from using your resources. It doesn't sound great.
It's okay for your kid not to have a sibling.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:48 PM on October 27, 2021 [40 favorites]
I want to encourage you to seek out the opinions of adult adoptees, not other adoptive parents or agencies. They're the ones whose voices matter, and who are rarely heard.
Next, yeah, I'm sorry, but what you want -- a young, healthy child in foster care with no special needs who is available for adoption -- isn't all that common. Kids don't end up in foster care because good things have been happening in their lives, you know? Plus, there are lots of families who want to adopt kids like this. Also, the goal of foster care is reunification, not adoption. So you're not really saving a kid (which I know is a lovely vision, but it's a bit outdated).
Also, you said this: "We would want a child between ~1.5-4 years, to skip that awfully hard newborn phase." I can speak to this a bit, as my kids were about 18 months and 4 years when I adopted them. Respectfully, if you want to skip an awfully hard phase, do not adopt. Adopting a baby is no guarantee of healthy attachment, and adopting an older child doesn't guarantee the child won't have a healthy attachment to you. But it is a lot of work. A lot.
Let's spin this around a bit. Imagine that your child now was taken out of your home one night with no explanation and stuck in a new home and told, "These are your parents." How would your child handle that, with your child's good upbringing so far? It would be incredibly traumatic. They would have stress, confusion, trauma, grief, a whole host of things. Would they be a child without special needs or who is emotionally stable after being wrenched from their parents? Probably not! They would need a lot of love and tender attention and parents who are ready to parent a child dealing with major disruption and trauma.
It sounds like you want to have another child because you think your child should have a sibling. I don't think that's a good enough reason, not at all, and especially not to adopt. It almost reads like you already resent this imaginary other kid for limiting your freedom, from preventing you from retiring early, from using your resources. It doesn't sound great.
It's okay for your kid not to have a sibling.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:48 PM on October 27, 2021 [40 favorites]
I’m adopted. Please do not adopt. You can MeMail me if you have any questions. I don’t mean to be rude.
posted by dianeF at 11:17 PM on October 27, 2021 [25 favorites]
posted by dianeF at 11:17 PM on October 27, 2021 [25 favorites]
We know socially an incredibly spoiled and self centred only child (a man baby in his mid 20s) and we joke that our baby needs a sibling because of "only child syndrome". No, we want more children because we want more children, no guarantees that siblings will get along. Also, only children can be raised well!
Invest in your found family- the "siblings" "cousins" "aunties" and "uncles" I have are closer than some of my real (blood/marriage) ones.
posted by freethefeet at 12:00 AM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
Invest in your found family- the "siblings" "cousins" "aunties" and "uncles" I have are closer than some of my real (blood/marriage) ones.
posted by freethefeet at 12:00 AM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
This sentence had me questioning a lot: We would want a child between ~1.5-4 years, to skip that awfully hard newborn phase and have the kids be closer in age
You've met a toddler before, right? I think whatever the child's background and temperament, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and that will only harm the child. Please don't adopt.
posted by Toddles at 12:25 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
You've met a toddler before, right? I think whatever the child's background and temperament, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and that will only harm the child. Please don't adopt.
posted by Toddles at 12:25 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
It would be amazing if we could help one child not be in foster care their whole life.
Another thing that could be amazing is making foster care suck a whole lot less for one child.
You might well find that deciding whether or not adopting is the right choice becomes crystal clear instead of vague and murky if you find yourself in the position of making that decision for an actual child you've been parenting for some while and already love, as opposed to a complete abstraction.
posted by flabdablet at 1:30 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
Another thing that could be amazing is making foster care suck a whole lot less for one child.
You might well find that deciding whether or not adopting is the right choice becomes crystal clear instead of vague and murky if you find yourself in the position of making that decision for an actual child you've been parenting for some while and already love, as opposed to a complete abstraction.
posted by flabdablet at 1:30 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
You are not obligated to provide a sibling. Being an only child is AWESOME if I say so myself, and you sound incredibly halfhearted at best at adding a second kid. And if you are not passionate about it, adoption is a lot of work and money.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:41 AM on October 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:41 AM on October 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
You don’t sound super into having a second child, and seem even less enthusiastic for or informed about the issues that come with adoption. And having a sibling isn’t necessarily anything your first child will care much about as a child or adult. I see very little upside for you and more importantly for the potential second child.
If you’re still waffling then go ahead and start learning more about adoption - both the process and how adult adoptees feel about it - but don’t move ahead with the actual adoption unless you get a lot more excited about this during that process.
posted by Stacey at 4:19 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
If you’re still waffling then go ahead and start learning more about adoption - both the process and how adult adoptees feel about it - but don’t move ahead with the actual adoption unless you get a lot more excited about this during that process.
posted by Stacey at 4:19 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
I wrote a lot because I have a lot of feelings about this, but I've just backspaced it because it was a bit too angry. I will try to dispassionately summarise instead - children only become available for adoption when their first family either causes, or is the victim of, serious trauma. Happy, healthy families don't give their children up for adoption. The trauma-free child you want to adopt does not exist. Please focus on the child you have and drop this idea.
posted by cilantro at 5:48 AM on October 28, 2021 [14 favorites]
posted by cilantro at 5:48 AM on October 28, 2021 [14 favorites]
You should not adopt.
posted by LoveHam at 6:21 AM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by LoveHam at 6:21 AM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
You don't really want a 2nd child, you just think your kid should have a sibling. With respect, that's not a good reason to have a 2nd child, much less adopt one.
posted by Mavri at 6:36 AM on October 28, 2021 [13 favorites]
posted by Mavri at 6:36 AM on October 28, 2021 [13 favorites]
I'm disabled, my sibling is adopted (my parents picked the gender of the child they wanted but this was in the 80s), and my parents should not have been parents. Don't know how to say this without coming across as rude but one is not ready to be a parent if they have preconceived notions about things like their child's disability status or gender. I truly believe this based on experience. Growing up physically disabled with parents who didn't want a disabled kid was hell.
posted by twelve cent archie at 6:53 AM on October 28, 2021 [12 favorites]
posted by twelve cent archie at 6:53 AM on October 28, 2021 [12 favorites]
We love our son, but we both agree that we would have been equally happy without kids because it's just so. much. work.
Let me just speak to this particular concern. My wife and I are parents of an only child, and my brother and his wife have two great kids. Now that they are older (high school and middle school) not so much, but when they were younger, my wife and I always observed that parenting two is way more work than parenting one, because not only are you parenting two children, but you are also parenting their relationship to each other - there is so much concern over sharing and fairness and taking turns that we just never had to spend that much time worrying about.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:51 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
Let me just speak to this particular concern. My wife and I are parents of an only child, and my brother and his wife have two great kids. Now that they are older (high school and middle school) not so much, but when they were younger, my wife and I always observed that parenting two is way more work than parenting one, because not only are you parenting two children, but you are also parenting their relationship to each other - there is so much concern over sharing and fairness and taking turns that we just never had to spend that much time worrying about.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:51 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
You don't sound like someone who wants a second child, and it doesn't sound like you've done even cursory research into adoption beyond looking into your husband's benefits even though you've been ostensibly thinking about it for a year and adoption resources and information are not hard to come by. I would keep your family as it is now.
posted by anderjen at 8:16 AM on October 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by anderjen at 8:16 AM on October 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
My wife and I did older child adoption of a sibling group and the youngest was 4, the oldest was 10. I had a vasectomy at 22 because I wanted to never be a biological father.
1) And 10 (and 7) the kids had... learned and internalized a *lot*. And as they were up for adoption, it's safe to say that much of what was learned/internalized might not be beneficial, much less "not ideal". The 4 year old had some immediate regression; we had been told he had been toileting himself in the foster home for months, but on the first visit he was yelling "I need someone to wipe my butt!" causing my wife and I to give each other a brief look of panic. His gross and fine motor skills were delayed because of the circumstances leading to removal, but he was in special pre-schooling to aid in that. This however was at a location 25+ minutes away from where we lived, and not easily switched to a closer location.
2) Yeah, costs went up, but I found booster seats weren't that much of a hassle over baby seats. It was likely the worse for the oldest kid stuck sitting between 2 booster seats. It was overwhelming to go from a 2 person family to 5 people, and being outnumbered. Like in all of the things that went bad / were difficult with kids, the "stuff" was really not even noticeable to me.
3) Costs: we did local adoption from Children's services (I.E. the kids were not surrendered willingly, but the parental rights were removed by the courts). We had to take a parenting class which was about $100-200 I think? Those were our only direct costs. We did get kids furniture, and had setup rooms, etc at our cost. Moreover because of some paper work snafu's on the government's side, we ended up technically "fostering" the kids for a few months. It meant that some things we needed to get a worker's approval to do, but it also meant something like $30/day per kid. I.E. technically we turned a profit vs. birthing kids.
4) ...
Things that you're not considering. Look back to my answer for point 4. Further, for an older child adoption (in the adoption world, 1.5-2 years is typically where they're considered older child) you'll likely need therapy, you'll likely need slightly different parenting technicques. And other parents who've had their kids from birth don't understand that. Later we had another parent lodge complaints with us for abuse with F&CS. The F&CS worker said we absolutely weren't abusive, and when we give them permission to talk to the other parent, and they tried to talk about attachment disorder the other parent refused to believe in that as a concept, much less read up on it. It was an exceptional non-fun several years of our experience.
To take a step back; read a few books on attachment disorder. It's so common in adoption you should probably assume you'll be dealing with it.
Sibling dynamics are difficult. Sibling dynamics will be more difficult in dual bio/adopted situation. If you try "hide" adoption from a child young enough to do so things typically go really bad (at least briefly; sometimes forever) when it's eventually revealed. Three can keep a secret only if two are dead.
posted by nobeagle at 9:05 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
1) And 10 (and 7) the kids had... learned and internalized a *lot*. And as they were up for adoption, it's safe to say that much of what was learned/internalized might not be beneficial, much less "not ideal". The 4 year old had some immediate regression; we had been told he had been toileting himself in the foster home for months, but on the first visit he was yelling "I need someone to wipe my butt!" causing my wife and I to give each other a brief look of panic. His gross and fine motor skills were delayed because of the circumstances leading to removal, but he was in special pre-schooling to aid in that. This however was at a location 25+ minutes away from where we lived, and not easily switched to a closer location.
2) Yeah, costs went up, but I found booster seats weren't that much of a hassle over baby seats. It was likely the worse for the oldest kid stuck sitting between 2 booster seats. It was overwhelming to go from a 2 person family to 5 people, and being outnumbered. Like in all of the things that went bad / were difficult with kids, the "stuff" was really not even noticeable to me.
3) Costs: we did local adoption from Children's services (I.E. the kids were not surrendered willingly, but the parental rights were removed by the courts). We had to take a parenting class which was about $100-200 I think? Those were our only direct costs. We did get kids furniture, and had setup rooms, etc at our cost. Moreover because of some paper work snafu's on the government's side, we ended up technically "fostering" the kids for a few months. It meant that some things we needed to get a worker's approval to do, but it also meant something like $30/day per kid. I.E. technically we turned a profit vs. birthing kids.
4) ...
Things that you're not considering. Look back to my answer for point 4. Further, for an older child adoption (in the adoption world, 1.5-2 years is typically where they're considered older child) you'll likely need therapy, you'll likely need slightly different parenting technicques. And other parents who've had their kids from birth don't understand that. Later we had another parent lodge complaints with us for abuse with F&CS. The F&CS worker said we absolutely weren't abusive, and when we give them permission to talk to the other parent, and they tried to talk about attachment disorder the other parent refused to believe in that as a concept, much less read up on it. It was an exceptional non-fun several years of our experience.
To take a step back; read a few books on attachment disorder. It's so common in adoption you should probably assume you'll be dealing with it.
Sibling dynamics are difficult. Sibling dynamics will be more difficult in dual bio/adopted situation. If you try "hide" adoption from a child young enough to do so things typically go really bad (at least briefly; sometimes forever) when it's eventually revealed. Three can keep a secret only if two are dead.
posted by nobeagle at 9:05 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
We're trying to be minimalist and we love to travel
Nthing the choir: Don't adopt to be nice to your son because there are no guarantees about sibling relationships of any sort. Don't adopt, period, and enjoy the life you have now and they traveling you can do now and in the future, which is easier with an only child. Have fun!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:17 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
Nthing the choir: Don't adopt to be nice to your son because there are no guarantees about sibling relationships of any sort. Don't adopt, period, and enjoy the life you have now and they traveling you can do now and in the future, which is easier with an only child. Have fun!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:17 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like your current family is the right size - another vote for no.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:31 AM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:31 AM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]
Would I connect with and love the adopted child as much as my biological child?? People always say they do, but frankly, I don't really *love* being around other people's kids.
Most people do even if, like with a new biological kid, it's not an immediate rush. But. Adoption placements can breakdown, and that is incredibly traumatic for everyone concerned.
In general, I think most people who haven't looked into it underestimate the challenges that come with adoption nowadays. There are very few relinquished babies. This is a good thing, because it means that birth mothers feel supported enough to parent. Parenting a child adopted in 2021 means parenting a child with additional needs, some of which may be entirely unknown to everyone until several years after the adoption is permanent. Adoption is good way to give some traumatised children a family life and parents who are capable of loving and parenting them. It is really not a good way to give a child a sibling, even though it might have been in some cases a decade or two ago.
I think both that your family size is perfect exactly as it is, and that there is nothing wrong with not giving a home to a child who is currently being fostered. There are many other ways of helping children directly and indirectly.
posted by plonkee at 9:44 AM on October 28, 2021 [6 favorites]
Most people do even if, like with a new biological kid, it's not an immediate rush. But. Adoption placements can breakdown, and that is incredibly traumatic for everyone concerned.
In general, I think most people who haven't looked into it underestimate the challenges that come with adoption nowadays. There are very few relinquished babies. This is a good thing, because it means that birth mothers feel supported enough to parent. Parenting a child adopted in 2021 means parenting a child with additional needs, some of which may be entirely unknown to everyone until several years after the adoption is permanent. Adoption is good way to give some traumatised children a family life and parents who are capable of loving and parenting them. It is really not a good way to give a child a sibling, even though it might have been in some cases a decade or two ago.
I think both that your family size is perfect exactly as it is, and that there is nothing wrong with not giving a home to a child who is currently being fostered. There are many other ways of helping children directly and indirectly.
posted by plonkee at 9:44 AM on October 28, 2021 [6 favorites]
When I was in college, my friend's mom said that the reason to have children - biological or otherwise - is because you cannot meet your need to be around kids in any other way.
You're not there on this.
Kids in the foster system aren't there to be your bio kid's sibling, or friend, or whatever. They have serious needs that may not ever have been met. If you're not overwhelmed with the need to care for a kid in that situation - don't do it.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
You're not there on this.
Kids in the foster system aren't there to be your bio kid's sibling, or friend, or whatever. They have serious needs that may not ever have been met. If you're not overwhelmed with the need to care for a kid in that situation - don't do it.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2021 [3 favorites]
One other thing to consider if you are still, after these responses, considering adoption, is that the standard these days is for open adoptions with continued contact with your child's biological family. Not only will you be parenting a child and managing their relationship with their sibling, but you will also be managing your and your child's relationship with their family of origin, which is emotionally fraught at the very best of times and traumatic at the worst.
I'm adopted. My adoption was closed. I have biological children and considered fostering and adopting to expand our family. I opted against it, in the end. I know I would be an excellent parent to a child I wasn't biologically related to. But I don't have the emotional capacity for an open adoption.
Feel free to MeMail if you have further questions.
posted by House of Leaves of Grass at 10:52 AM on October 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
I'm adopted. My adoption was closed. I have biological children and considered fostering and adopting to expand our family. I opted against it, in the end. I know I would be an excellent parent to a child I wasn't biologically related to. But I don't have the emotional capacity for an open adoption.
Feel free to MeMail if you have further questions.
posted by House of Leaves of Grass at 10:52 AM on October 28, 2021 [4 favorites]
Here's a bleak story: I knew a woman who was adopted for this--to be a sibling for the parents' birth child. That child died as a teen ager. It sounded terrible for my friend and she did not have a happy life.
As others have noted, you seem to have a very unrealistic vision of what this would entail.
You are saying I want a kid but only a kid that checks off these boxes. Not only is it a bizarrely entitled attitude, when does that ever work?
There is nothing wrong with a family of three.
posted by rhonzo at 12:27 PM on October 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
As others have noted, you seem to have a very unrealistic vision of what this would entail.
You are saying I want a kid but only a kid that checks off these boxes. Not only is it a bizarrely entitled attitude, when does that ever work?
There is nothing wrong with a family of three.
posted by rhonzo at 12:27 PM on October 28, 2021 [7 favorites]
even second children who are born directly into the family that raises them have a pretty standard suite of issues around being afterthoughts, accessories, junior partners, courtiers & adornments to Prince Firstborn - and so on. Even families that passionately want two+ children from the get-go often find that all the thrill and excitement of the first is not necessarily there with the second: you're not as terrified, you're not as desperate to record and share all the mundane little details of babyhood because you've already seen them. younger children notice this and resentment accumulates. often it is not noticed because the older child's grievances, like the older child, are louder and more visible.
I am a younger sibling and I bet it shows. but this is real stuff, and it's real without adoption even entering the picture. to never have had a time when you and your parents were alone together; to know that your older sibling was consulted on the acceptability of your existence, but not you on his; to know that they considered whether you would be good for him without ever considering whether he would be good for you -- it adds up.
your child is also getting old enough that they may have a sense of proprietary ownership over their family & parents. kids who have a younger sibling via parental pregnancy can also be resentful and lord it over the younger kid, but adoption hands them a whole new set of emotional weapons to use, should they choose to. and the sweetest 4-year-old can grow into a mean teen someday.
so I guess just try to dwell on the fact that whereas right now you are only thinking of how a hypothetical child could fit into and enhance the lives of you and your kid, this hypothetical child is hypothetically your child. you have to care just as much about how it would affect them to have your current kid as an older sibling as you already care about how it would affect him to have a younger one.
this is obviously hard to do because you don't know the hypothetical kid. but I guess think about whether it bothers you to try to think that way, to remove your current child from the rank of most-important. you would be absolutely obligated to do that.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:36 PM on October 28, 2021 [8 favorites]
I am a younger sibling and I bet it shows. but this is real stuff, and it's real without adoption even entering the picture. to never have had a time when you and your parents were alone together; to know that your older sibling was consulted on the acceptability of your existence, but not you on his; to know that they considered whether you would be good for him without ever considering whether he would be good for you -- it adds up.
your child is also getting old enough that they may have a sense of proprietary ownership over their family & parents. kids who have a younger sibling via parental pregnancy can also be resentful and lord it over the younger kid, but adoption hands them a whole new set of emotional weapons to use, should they choose to. and the sweetest 4-year-old can grow into a mean teen someday.
so I guess just try to dwell on the fact that whereas right now you are only thinking of how a hypothetical child could fit into and enhance the lives of you and your kid, this hypothetical child is hypothetically your child. you have to care just as much about how it would affect them to have your current kid as an older sibling as you already care about how it would affect him to have a younger one.
this is obviously hard to do because you don't know the hypothetical kid. but I guess think about whether it bothers you to try to think that way, to remove your current child from the rank of most-important. you would be absolutely obligated to do that.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:36 PM on October 28, 2021 [8 favorites]
Dropping back in to add after much thought:
Would I connect with and love the adopted child as much as my biological child?? People always say they do, but frankly, I don't really *love* being around other people's kids.
If you are going to think of your adopted child as "other people's kid" then do not pursue this route. This is such a remarkably upsetting way to think about a child that you've adopted, doubly so since there is a biological child in the mix.
posted by House of Leaves of Grass at 12:39 PM on October 28, 2021 [16 favorites]
Would I connect with and love the adopted child as much as my biological child?? People always say they do, but frankly, I don't really *love* being around other people's kids.
If you are going to think of your adopted child as "other people's kid" then do not pursue this route. This is such a remarkably upsetting way to think about a child that you've adopted, doubly so since there is a biological child in the mix.
posted by House of Leaves of Grass at 12:39 PM on October 28, 2021 [16 favorites]
I'd suggest you do a lot more reading and investigating about adoption. Adoption is inherently traumatic for the child. Not all trauma is inflicted through malice or neglect--a small child receiving completely necessary medical care for a serious health issue can experience medical trauma no matter how thoughtful, compassionate, and expert the medical personnel are. Sometimes adoption into another family is the least bad option (i.e., there is no possibility of the birth parent safely and appropriately caring for the child, and there are no close relatives who can step in). In any case, whether the adoptee is an infant or a 4-y.o., they are experiencing something beyond their brain's capacity to make sense and feel safe, which is traumatic by definition. The voices they heard in utero, the people whose smells they know, all the little cues their brains are picking up before they can think in words, the very beginnings of their understanding of the world, are suddenly gone and replaced with completely different people, surroundings, and cues. Parents adopting out of foster care* need to be well-educated about trauma, and prepared for both the conventionally well-understood challenges of parenting as well as the specific needs of kids with trauma. If this is interesting to you, and you want to learn more, that's fantastic. If this makes you reconsider adoption, that's also great. Taking a clear-eyed look at this is essential.
*And private infant adoption, domestic or international, is a whole other rotten thing that dehumanizes birth parents and babies. There are too many birth parents pressured or tricked into giving up babies they want to parent, and too many babies treated like a commodity for the private infant adoption system to be morally acceptable.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:33 PM on October 28, 2021 [5 favorites]
*And private infant adoption, domestic or international, is a whole other rotten thing that dehumanizes birth parents and babies. There are too many birth parents pressured or tricked into giving up babies they want to parent, and too many babies treated like a commodity for the private infant adoption system to be morally acceptable.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:33 PM on October 28, 2021 [5 favorites]
My older brother was adopted from birth - my parents didn't think they could have biological kids. And he has still dealt with the trauma of being adopted *his entire life*. Also, our sibling relationship is negatively impacted because he was adopted and I was their biological child. I love my brother but I would never adopt a child - I know I would not be able to handle it.
posted by randomquestion at 3:51 PM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by randomquestion at 3:51 PM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
I would focus on developing close relationships with others with children and give your child friendships instead of adopting.
posted by summerstorm at 11:35 AM on October 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by summerstorm at 11:35 AM on October 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
My lifetime best friend and her brother were adopted. I have two nieces and two nephews who were adopted. My college roommate was adopted. I think the decision would be made for you because, based on your questions, I suspect that you have so many doubts and reservations about adoption that it would prevent you from passing the home study / family assessment.
posted by SageTrail at 8:53 PM on October 29, 2021
posted by SageTrail at 8:53 PM on October 29, 2021
Young children are in HIGH demand. Healthy children even more so. If you get a physically healthy child in your desired age range that child will 1000% percent have significant emotional difficulties. Significant. Either that, or you'll have to go private and snag a newborn (younger than you want) by being picked by a pregnant woman who chooses adoption and has an interest in hand-picking the family.
This isn't going to work the way you imagine it. Whether or not it's a good idea for you personally I am 1000% not qualified to answer as a stranger on the internet. The fact that you're asking questions is a good sign.
posted by liminal_shadows at 9:56 PM on October 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
This isn't going to work the way you imagine it. Whether or not it's a good idea for you personally I am 1000% not qualified to answer as a stranger on the internet. The fact that you're asking questions is a good sign.
posted by liminal_shadows at 9:56 PM on October 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Paper rabies at 5:49 PM on October 27, 2021