Coping with angry people
October 27, 2021 5:55 PM Subscribe
How to live my life and feel safe while a group of people are angry with me and will be for the foreseeable future?
A group of people who live close to me (a stone’s throw away) are unfairly angry with me and want me to pay for things (of the order of many thousands of dollars) that I have no legal or moral obligation to pay for (confirmed by my solicitor). They have gone out of their way to not help themselves (or me) and want me to clear up their mess for them. I have been as helpful as I can be up to this point.
Their only weapon is my fear of their anger. My father was very angry and physically abusive when I was growing up and I have been diagnosed with cptsd and received some treatment. I thought I was somewhat recovered from it but my anxiety about this shows that I am not. I don’t feel safe at all, I feel terrified. I suppose the situation has too many parallels to my childhood. In some ways I want to give in in the hope that this would get them to leave me alone, but at the same time it feels wrong to give in to bullying, even if I’m not fully capable of standing up to it.
My question is how to not care about people’s negative feelings about me, and to not feel physically threatened by them (as I’ve been told that most people don’t resort to violence easily)? It’s affecting my day to day life and work. This post sums it up for me I think:
letting other people own their own negative feelings about me (this is SO hard) if they're not based on things that are values of mine or general manners (you're mad because I didn't invite you to my summer house during a summer when I had too much going on but we otherwise stayed in touch in a good friendly way? maybe that's on you)
I would be very grateful for any suggestions on how to deal with this beyond moving house. (I’m on medication and have spoken to a therapist about this.)
A group of people who live close to me (a stone’s throw away) are unfairly angry with me and want me to pay for things (of the order of many thousands of dollars) that I have no legal or moral obligation to pay for (confirmed by my solicitor). They have gone out of their way to not help themselves (or me) and want me to clear up their mess for them. I have been as helpful as I can be up to this point.
Their only weapon is my fear of their anger. My father was very angry and physically abusive when I was growing up and I have been diagnosed with cptsd and received some treatment. I thought I was somewhat recovered from it but my anxiety about this shows that I am not. I don’t feel safe at all, I feel terrified. I suppose the situation has too many parallels to my childhood. In some ways I want to give in in the hope that this would get them to leave me alone, but at the same time it feels wrong to give in to bullying, even if I’m not fully capable of standing up to it.
My question is how to not care about people’s negative feelings about me, and to not feel physically threatened by them (as I’ve been told that most people don’t resort to violence easily)? It’s affecting my day to day life and work. This post sums it up for me I think:
letting other people own their own negative feelings about me (this is SO hard) if they're not based on things that are values of mine or general manners (you're mad because I didn't invite you to my summer house during a summer when I had too much going on but we otherwise stayed in touch in a good friendly way? maybe that's on you)
I would be very grateful for any suggestions on how to deal with this beyond moving house. (I’m on medication and have spoken to a therapist about this.)
I know it is very difficult for you with your experience of PTSD, which you acknowledged, but is it possible to try to separate whatever situation has occurred with your neighbors from the situation with your father? (Are the situations related or is it more that their interactions are triggering the kind of anguish your father elicited when he was abusive? If they are not actually related this will give you more authority and power to deal with this new situation, and your solicitor can help you with concrete responses to their demands.) Concrete and dispassionate, rather than emotional responses are generally more effective in legal disputes, and I would avoid dealing with these people directly. All communications should come from a third party - your solicitor, if it comes to that. Otherwise, no response. Don't get drawn into a dispute that will be come emotional and trigger anxiety and panic. No emotional involvement at all is the best path, and it will sidestep your PTSD. And that gives you power.
Sometimes trauma trips us up with residual anxiety, even panic. Dispassionate and factual is your best bet with a neighbors' complaints. Perhaps your therapist can help you fashion a plan to work through this?
posted by citygirl at 8:35 PM on October 27, 2021
Sometimes trauma trips us up with residual anxiety, even panic. Dispassionate and factual is your best bet with a neighbors' complaints. Perhaps your therapist can help you fashion a plan to work through this?
posted by citygirl at 8:35 PM on October 27, 2021
At a practical level, the main thing you need to worry about is escalation. You haven't mentioned anything like explicit threats that would require action on your part. If they maintain the same level of anger as they do now without significant escalation on either side, it will very likely fade over time and never lead to any additional consequences such as violence/etc. As an anxious person myself I know this is kind of hard to deal with, but as long as things don't get worse, they will end up totally fine. If all they do is complain about it every few months, that's not really a problem you need to fix.
Of course I am not saying that you will be fine in all situations, and it's helpful to be on the lookout for cases of legitimate escalation on their end, such as trespassing or threats. Cameras/etc can be helpful for seeing these signs and it's totally reasonable to check occasionally to make sure things aren't getting worse. Since you're already very aware of what's going on, you don't need to spend a lot of time monitoring this and you can trust that you will notice any big change or new threat that needs to be addressed. And if there's nothing new, that probably means the anger is fading away and it'll be totally fine.
On the psychological side, I acknowledge that can be a lot harder and I'm still working through my personal issues. I would also suggest talking to your therapist in depth about this specific issue and trying to clarify the differences between your past trauma and this specific situation. There are important parallels, but there are also important differences. I would also recommend trying to explicitly accept that some amount of fear here is totally reasonable and normal. You don't need to "feel safe" all the time because that's not really a reasonable goal for any homeowner, but you can definitely find a way to live and move past this. Good luck!
posted by JZig at 8:57 PM on October 27, 2021
Of course I am not saying that you will be fine in all situations, and it's helpful to be on the lookout for cases of legitimate escalation on their end, such as trespassing or threats. Cameras/etc can be helpful for seeing these signs and it's totally reasonable to check occasionally to make sure things aren't getting worse. Since you're already very aware of what's going on, you don't need to spend a lot of time monitoring this and you can trust that you will notice any big change or new threat that needs to be addressed. And if there's nothing new, that probably means the anger is fading away and it'll be totally fine.
On the psychological side, I acknowledge that can be a lot harder and I'm still working through my personal issues. I would also suggest talking to your therapist in depth about this specific issue and trying to clarify the differences between your past trauma and this specific situation. There are important parallels, but there are also important differences. I would also recommend trying to explicitly accept that some amount of fear here is totally reasonable and normal. You don't need to "feel safe" all the time because that's not really a reasonable goal for any homeowner, but you can definitely find a way to live and move past this. Good luck!
posted by JZig at 8:57 PM on October 27, 2021
I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a similar situation a few years back, with some folks angry at me for reasons that were not my fault (it never got violent, but it did escalate to the point of someone keying my car). I, too, grew up with physical abuse and have a C-PTSD diagnosis that I've been working on for many years.
I will be honest: I had a very tough time with this. My "Panic, panic, you are not safe" reflex, which is a little difficult to manage even on the best of days, was constantly ramped up to a nearly unbearable level. I had trouble sleeping. I had panic attacks. I had trouble functioning at work and at home. I had constant stomach pain and other physical symptoms of extreme stress. I say this not to worry you, but to let you know you are not alone. I got through it and I know you will, too.
Certain things helped me get through it.
1. Therapy with a therapist experienced in treating trauma and PTSD. It's good to have an experienced and objective perspective to help sort out the difference between present-day threats and PTSD triggers. It's good to remember (and have someone to remind you) that you have many more options now, as an adult, then you did when you were a child.
2. Regular massage -- aka gentle, kind, and reassuring physical touch. You could get it from a friend, a partner, a professional, whatever works for you. You can even do self-massage with a tool like this. At a certain point, this was about the only thing that allowed my poor overloaded nervous system to relax.
3. Physical exercise and sunshine. My strong urge was to hole up inside my house and hide under the covers, but the more exercise I was able to get, the better I felt.
4. Connecting with people who love me. Again, I had to fight the urge to self-isolate. Reaching out to others helped me to be more resilient and less terrified.
5. All my regular self-care stuff, like meditation, journaling, yoga, and eating three square meals a day. Your tools may be different, but hopefully you have some tools that you know work for you.
These things all helped me to get through the day-to-day, and build up my emotional reserves and equanimity. Eventually the angry assholes got bored or got angry at something else, and the intensity of the situation subsided, and then the intensity of my stress subsided.
Things that didn't help, or only partially helped:
1. Getting a security camera was a mixed bag. At certain moments, it gave me some peace of mind, but most of the time it just made me hyper-vigilant. I was constantly checking the camera feed and could not stop thinking about it (to the point of not being able to sleep). Your mileage may vary.
2. Placating the angry people just did not work. Because of the nature of my situation, I had the opportunity to try a number of different tactics, and placating them was not helpful -- they were just completely determined to be irrationally angry with me. The only thing that worked was minimizing my interactions with them, being calm and detached and rational when I had to deal with them (sort of a modified gray rock method), and giving it time (a lot more time than I would have liked) for them to forget about me.
I wish you luck in getting through this, and I hope my experience is helpful to you.
posted by cozy wool sock at 9:08 PM on October 27, 2021 [12 favorites]
I will be honest: I had a very tough time with this. My "Panic, panic, you are not safe" reflex, which is a little difficult to manage even on the best of days, was constantly ramped up to a nearly unbearable level. I had trouble sleeping. I had panic attacks. I had trouble functioning at work and at home. I had constant stomach pain and other physical symptoms of extreme stress. I say this not to worry you, but to let you know you are not alone. I got through it and I know you will, too.
Certain things helped me get through it.
1. Therapy with a therapist experienced in treating trauma and PTSD. It's good to have an experienced and objective perspective to help sort out the difference between present-day threats and PTSD triggers. It's good to remember (and have someone to remind you) that you have many more options now, as an adult, then you did when you were a child.
2. Regular massage -- aka gentle, kind, and reassuring physical touch. You could get it from a friend, a partner, a professional, whatever works for you. You can even do self-massage with a tool like this. At a certain point, this was about the only thing that allowed my poor overloaded nervous system to relax.
3. Physical exercise and sunshine. My strong urge was to hole up inside my house and hide under the covers, but the more exercise I was able to get, the better I felt.
4. Connecting with people who love me. Again, I had to fight the urge to self-isolate. Reaching out to others helped me to be more resilient and less terrified.
5. All my regular self-care stuff, like meditation, journaling, yoga, and eating three square meals a day. Your tools may be different, but hopefully you have some tools that you know work for you.
These things all helped me to get through the day-to-day, and build up my emotional reserves and equanimity. Eventually the angry assholes got bored or got angry at something else, and the intensity of the situation subsided, and then the intensity of my stress subsided.
Things that didn't help, or only partially helped:
1. Getting a security camera was a mixed bag. At certain moments, it gave me some peace of mind, but most of the time it just made me hyper-vigilant. I was constantly checking the camera feed and could not stop thinking about it (to the point of not being able to sleep). Your mileage may vary.
2. Placating the angry people just did not work. Because of the nature of my situation, I had the opportunity to try a number of different tactics, and placating them was not helpful -- they were just completely determined to be irrationally angry with me. The only thing that worked was minimizing my interactions with them, being calm and detached and rational when I had to deal with them (sort of a modified gray rock method), and giving it time (a lot more time than I would have liked) for them to forget about me.
I wish you luck in getting through this, and I hope my experience is helpful to you.
posted by cozy wool sock at 9:08 PM on October 27, 2021 [12 favorites]
Minimise your interaction with them and if you do see them in public, be polite but don't engage. If they belong to community Facebook groups or anywhere online where this is a topic of discussion, get a trusted friend to monitor it or let you know if the feelings in the community are escalating just so you know if you need to ramp up security or have something concrete to be worried about. Don't do this yourself, all it will do is intensify your feelings and mire you in it. You want someone outside of the situation to keep an eye on it for you. Get a security camera if you need to and inform police if you need to but chances are if you don't escalate it and lay low it will just fade away.
Remind yourself that other people's feelings of anger are theirs, not yours and you can't control that but most people just like to vent and won't ever follow through - unless you've actually been threatened with violence, although you may feel the same fear, it's not the same as the situation with your father. Best of luck, it sounds horrible.
posted by Jubey at 9:53 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
Remind yourself that other people's feelings of anger are theirs, not yours and you can't control that but most people just like to vent and won't ever follow through - unless you've actually been threatened with violence, although you may feel the same fear, it's not the same as the situation with your father. Best of luck, it sounds horrible.
posted by Jubey at 9:53 PM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
I recommend you rejoice in the fact that their anger is toothless, boring and timid. Put up a CCTV with a great microphone. Use their words against them without opening your mouth. The late Bill Callahan wrote that the best time to seek a deep, calming breath is when someone's anger at the world is being directed at you. The bellowing waves of irrational discontent can unlatch the funny flakes of cynicism and fear we needlessly carry. Wallow in the joy of noisy contemplation!
posted by parmanparman at 11:23 PM on October 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by parmanparman at 11:23 PM on October 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
“I feel x in this moment, but this moment will not last forever. Hello x, I see you are here. You can stay for a moment and then I have to let you go.” While sitting still and quiet and hopefully looking at something nice (like clouds in the sky).
“I feel x right now. I can cope with feeling x. I have felt x before and I know the feeling doesn’t last forever. I can cope. When I need to release a stressful feeling I can (breath deeply in stillness, punch a pillow/scream into a pillow, dance around my kitchen wildly, brush my teeth and drink a large glass of water.”
“I feel x. My brain is telling me information, but this is information I already know/don’t need to act on. Thank you brain, I’ve got it. It’s ok brain. I know you are doing your best. I know you remember the things from before in ways I can’t be aware of. I’ve got the information. I’ll do my best. Right now, right here, we are ok.”
posted by CMcG at 11:59 PM on October 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
“I feel x right now. I can cope with feeling x. I have felt x before and I know the feeling doesn’t last forever. I can cope. When I need to release a stressful feeling I can (breath deeply in stillness, punch a pillow/scream into a pillow, dance around my kitchen wildly, brush my teeth and drink a large glass of water.”
“I feel x. My brain is telling me information, but this is information I already know/don’t need to act on. Thank you brain, I’ve got it. It’s ok brain. I know you are doing your best. I know you remember the things from before in ways I can’t be aware of. I’ve got the information. I’ll do my best. Right now, right here, we are ok.”
posted by CMcG at 11:59 PM on October 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
How likely are these people to actually take harmful action against you?
In my experience, that is entirely what to worry about. They can be mad, but not everyone who is mad can or will harass you to the ends of the earth about it. Does this bunch have a history of stalking, vandalism, suing people (this last one sounds the most likely here)? Or are they just gonna be sulky mad neighbors who cold shoulder you or keep complaining at you about the money?
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:36 AM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
In my experience, that is entirely what to worry about. They can be mad, but not everyone who is mad can or will harass you to the ends of the earth about it. Does this bunch have a history of stalking, vandalism, suing people (this last one sounds the most likely here)? Or are they just gonna be sulky mad neighbors who cold shoulder you or keep complaining at you about the money?
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:36 AM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]
I wonder if it would be practical for you to get some kind of personal assistant to handle screening your e-mail and phone messages -- that could shield you a bit. It's kind of extreme, but it's one idea, and maybe it would give you additional ideas.
I have heard that increasing your physical strength can give you more confidence; I've never tried it, but it might help.
I might start by reflecting on what, exactly, I'm afraid that they might _do_, and then buttressing whatever they're threatening, and making it less likely that any specific attempted harms would actually cause harm.
posted by amtho at 3:04 AM on October 28, 2021
I have heard that increasing your physical strength can give you more confidence; I've never tried it, but it might help.
I might start by reflecting on what, exactly, I'm afraid that they might _do_, and then buttressing whatever they're threatening, and making it less likely that any specific attempted harms would actually cause harm.
posted by amtho at 3:04 AM on October 28, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bq at 8:13 PM on October 27, 2021 [4 favorites]