Not sure if he turned me down for casual sex?

October 4, 2021 3:10 PM

Went on a couple of dates with someone. It was pretty obvious that things weren't going to work out. I asked him to come over to my place and he declined saying that he didn't feel chemistry and is ok with being friends.

I've been mildly obsessing over sleeping with this guy I'm not really sure why. On our dates, it was kinda awkward. Not much flirting. There was no breaking of the touch barrier except a brief hug. Neither of us felt the conversational chemistry although the date was pleasant enough. But I know he's attracted to me, I caught him staring very blatantly at my lady parts. I think it was mostly because of how nervous I was and he reacted accordingly to my body language. I came off as conservative, inexperienced, and didn't seem like the type of person to want casual sex. I asked him a month after our date to come over and he turned me down. I'm not sure if he really understood what I was looking for. I'm honestly too embarrassed to ask again. Because of his field of work, he's also a super busy person. Should I just move on?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

I think taking him at his word is your wisest course here.

I am not as convinced that "staring blatantly at your lady parts" is any sign of anything - it may be something else was going on, you might have had spaghetti sauce on your shirt or something. Since everything else sounds like it was a little reserved, and that stare is your only indication he was up for this, I think this is a bit of a long shot and moving on is best.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:17 PM on October 4, 2021 [31 favorites]

Yes, please move on. You asked him to your place, and "he declined saying that he didn't feel chemistry and is ok with being friends." It's clear from this that he knew you were asking for some kind of escalation, and he was not interested. He said no. Respect his answer by not asking him again.

Your feelings about him -- and your obsessing over him -- are not relevant because he said no. If you find he's still on your mind, then I encourage you to limit your contact with him as much as possible so you don't have any new information about him to feed that.

He could have been staring for a range of reasons (you can't "know" how he feels about you without having had a conversation), and, even if he was attracted, he's stated without ambiguity that he's not interested. You are not entitled to sex, casual or not, with anyone.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:29 PM on October 4, 2021 [29 favorites]

Did you keep in touch the whole month after your date, escalating to friendlier chats? If not, then an invite to come over out of the blue is really odd. And if you didn't keep in touch, that is probably an indicator that there is no mutual interest to dating or being friends. I also think moving on is best. Not everyone makes a good friend or has good chemistry for dating, and that's ok.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 3:31 PM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

Yes, move on. You say you're mildly obsessed, and I wonder if it's because you felt desired by him (or you interpreted his staring at you as that) and want to feel that again?
posted by foxjacket at 3:40 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

When you asked him to your place, it was really clear what you were after and he was equally clear that he wasn’t interested. He said no and that he wasn’t feeling it, I’m not sure why you think this is ambiguous in any way? I get that being rejected stings a bit but you need to accept this and move on, he’s not obliged to sleep with you.
posted by Jubey at 3:44 PM on October 4, 2021 [11 favorites]

Maybe I am clueless or maybe I am old (prolly both), but if you invited me over to your place a month after our last date that did not work so well, unless you said, "Hey do you want to come over and play with the tits you were staring at", I would not have figured on a casual sex moment. Regardless if he knew or not, too late. Move on.
posted by AugustWest at 3:51 PM on October 4, 2021 [9 favorites]

But I know he's attracted to me, I caught him staring very blatantly at my lady parts.

Yeah, unfortunately, I think this is the flaw in your logic-- definitely unfortunate that men ogle women they're not attracted to / don't want to sleep with. I think since he mentioned chemistry in the response it's pretty clear he got the gist of what you were asking.

If you're ok getting another rejection I don't think you have anything to lose clarifying "Just for casual fun if you're up for it-- if not, no worries 🙂" (on the off chance the chemistry he mentioned was the kind that would be needed for a relationship but not a hookup) but I think safest course is to move on.
posted by supercres at 4:07 PM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

Fuck this guy. Not literally because he sucks. Ok he may be fine: I’ll give him credit for setting boundaries for himself, however painful for you. But enough about him! What do you want?

You say: “I came off as conservative, inexperienced, and didn't seem like the type of person to want casual sex.” With a good match, whether a emotional connection or merely a physical one, you won’t feel crappy about yourself on the date. You can both be awkward as hell and you both find it endearing and cute. You are awesome just as you are and deserve to be with someone who feels the same. I say this as someone who recently went out with 100 people before meeting my boyfriend and it was a little awkward but also completely amazing immediately. This can and will happen to you eventually. But it’s hard believing that, I know, so we ruminate on these bad matches & try to figure out what we did wrong. Answer: Nothing, just wasn’t a good match and they have their own issues too.

I have OCD. I have dated a lot & had a lot of casual sex. I’ve been very confused and unhappy at times bc the people just weren’t good matches (or assholes!) It’s hard to let go, I get it, but there are plenty of dudes on the apps who would LOVE for you to invite them back to your place for casual sex and yes even some who would love to date your seriously. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 4:11 PM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

Maybe I am clueless or maybe I am old (prolly both), but if you invited me over to your place a month after our last date that did not work so well, unless you said, "Hey do you want to come over and play with the tits you were staring at", I would not have figured on a casual sex moment.

Count me as clueless and/or old as well. I need some clarity, particularly around sexual encounters.

That said I’m guessing the moment has passed. You should probably move on.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:24 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry to add to the chorus of "move ons" here, but I'd try your damnedest to move on and not think about this guy. I too have done the "obsess over guy I'm clearly not suited for, who isn't interested in me" and it sucks. For me it was always a self esteem issue. I've also caught myself accidentally staring at women's chests and I'm not interested in women sexually. It seems to happen when I'm feeling awkward and breaking eye contact. I hope you can get this guy out of your mind soon.
posted by whistle pig at 4:33 PM on October 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

Also to add to my previous answer, try not to blame yourself or feel bad. It's not your fault there was no spark and you are fine the way you are.
posted by whistle pig at 4:35 PM on October 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

I came off as conservative, inexperienced, and didn't seem like the type of person to want casual sex.

Did he say that? Did those words come out of his mouth, or is it a story you're telling yourself?

Rejection stings, but that hurt isn't a signal telling you to try harder. There are lot of guys out there who are up for something casual and it's better to spend your time finding them if that's what you want.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:07 PM on October 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

Even if he's attracted to you, there are at least a half dozen perfectly good reasons he might not want to have casual sex, either with you or at all. I don't think you should take another run at this. You're not on the same page. Move on to other dating prospects.
posted by Stacey at 5:11 PM on October 4, 2021 [10 favorites]

It sounds like this is more about validation that you are attractive and less about actually wanting to have sex with this guy. You don't sound that into him at all. I think you're "obsessing" over it because you're looking for validation from him. Why does it matter whether he wants to sleep with you? If it's just about wanting to have sex, surely there are others who you can do that with.

I think it would be better to work on self-esteem/attachment issues etc. rather than trying to figure out why this guy declined to sleep with you (reasons of which there may be many, and do not necessarily indicate he did not find you attractive).

And i hope you don't take this as criticism or judgement- I recognize this need for validation in myself and my own experiences, and it is something i am still working on.
posted by bearette at 5:22 PM on October 4, 2021 [7 favorites]

Old lady pazazygeek here, with perspective from the olden times. Back in my dating days, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, B.T. (Before Tinder), I remember being weirdly fixated (obsessed doesn't seem like the right word for it) with guys I'd dated who sent me very confusing signals like you're describing.

I've always been the kind of person who went for whatever she wanted, and as a result, there was a pretty sad desert in my early 30s where I was dating a lot of aimless guys who gravitated to me because I was living my life with agency - they were attracted to my decisiveness and confidence - but I wanted to date someone decisive and confident! And that was hard! It meant sitting on my hands a bit when someone I was mildly-to-medium interested in took some risks. And sometimes those guys didn't take the risks. I found this to be a hit to my ego. I would turn the experiences over in my mind.

In retrospect, I realize, it didn't mean they weren't interested, or that I wouldn't have been able to make it happen, but I didn't want to put that much effort in, it wasn't what I was looking for, I wanted to be wooed... at least a little. What I was feeling was just... disappointment that I didn't get what I wanted. But it was a new/weird feeling for me - lady with agency - who usually can salvage something she wants out of just about any old situation.

Is it possible that's what's happened here?
posted by pazazygeek at 5:42 PM on October 4, 2021 [4 favorites]

I think casual sex with this person is likely to NOT be casual for you, given that you already don't feel casual about him.

There's certainly a better and more mutual match out there, for you to find casual sex or an actual relationship or anything else you may desire.

Dating is a numbers game and there are lots of people out there you could click with. So your best bet is to move on and meet a bunch more people. Remember you only need to connect to ONE person of all the dozens of people you'd match well with, of all the millions in the world. The more dates you go on, the more likely you are to find someone who feels like a pretty good fit.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:29 PM on October 4, 2021 [5 favorites]

But I know he's attracted to me, I caught him staring very blatantly at my lady parts.

You are coming off as inexperienced with your expectation that someone looking at your clothed body means that they want to have sex with you. Someone can be attracted to you and still not be interested in sex with you.

I asked him to come over to my place and he declined saying that he didn't feel chemistry

He understood what your message was and is not interested in this with you, move on. If he was going to be interested at a different point in time he would have said something about scheduling instead.
posted by yohko at 8:08 PM on October 4, 2021 [3 favorites]

You should def move on! No one did anything wrong here, but I know hetero-patriarchal culture conditions us to believe that all guys always want sex 24/7 from any woman, all the time. And that’s FALSE, which is I think one reason it can be kinda jarring as a straight woman to experience any sexual rejection. You’re told your whole life that “actually, every man you talk to is always thinking about banging you!!!” So when you’re like, “well…okay, let’s bang!” and a man says no, it’s super confusing. But that’s the broken, bad paradigm — it's the individual guy, who, like anyone else, has agency and preferences and decisions he gets to make. The patriarchy is bad for everyone!

Also, going forward, I’m not sure what region you’re in, but in a lot of the English-speaking US, “lady parts” would, to me, mean your genitals, fyi.
posted by Charity Garfein at 10:56 PM on October 4, 2021 [15 favorites]

Move on to the next one!
posted by knownfossils at 11:17 PM on October 4, 2021

Attraction for me is rare - and for me to show it is more rare. It's a regular point of confusion to me that men don't find it to be nearly as rare, and there can be an element of attraction but it's sometimes not really that important to them to follow up on it.

So I think I understand where you're coming from here. But pursuing this isn't going to get you anything you want. Better to spend that time on yourself, or on looking for someone who's on the same page with you.

Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:45 AM on October 5, 2021

You should just move on. Staring blatantly at lady parts is not the same as being turned on by, and being turned on by is not the same as actually wanting to have sex with. Often checking someone's sexual parts is triggered by anxiety. You probably already know that if a woman's eyes dip to a guy's crotch it's far more likely to be a nervous reaction to the guy pushing her boundaries than it is for her to be enjoying ogling him.

Even if he did want to have sex with you those times when he checked you out, he has clearly signaled that he doesn't want to right now. Trust him. He may have decided while he was considering sex before his priorities now have ruled it out, and those priorities could be anything, from needing to concentrate on school so he doesn't flunk courses, to getting the herpes flare up back under control, to his crazy ex who stalks anyone she thinks might be a new girlfriend having managed to find out where he is living now.

Turn him into your fantasy lover, with enough elements of fantasy that it doesn't run any risk of being convincing and go back to looking for someone who is a real life prospect.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:38 AM on October 5, 2021