How do you approach dating in your mid-late 30s when you want a kid?
September 5, 2021 9:37 AM Subscribe
Biological clock question inside...
Since I turned 37 this year, something about the biological clock stuff started seeming more relevant than ever. I have never really had having a kid as a main goal in life, but I guess I assumed it might happen eventually? Now, it is seeming like it's either going to happen almost immediately or it's just not going to happen. The last few years when I thought about it, I guess I just figured in the back of my head that, well, if I don't have a kid, I'll find other things to do with my life/time. But there is something about my current age that just feels like - well it's still not impossible that it could happen, but it is seeming increasingly unlikely and I guess the reality of that has been hitting me a bit.
In the midst of all of this, I'm not partnered and I am trying to get out there and date. But, the dating stuff feels complicated. Thoughts that are floating through my head include,
- When I'm flipping through people on the apps, do I still just choose people who are interested in having kids (or having more kids)? That's what I've been doing, but it's kind of like - are those people even going to be interested in me anyway, given my age? If I was a guy who was interested in having kids I probably wouldn't immediately go for someone who was nearing the end of their childbearing years. I feel like I also see people who don't want kids fairly often or who already have kids and don't want more who seem interesting but I'm discounting them because of the mismatch in goals. This is logical, but maybe one of those people would make me happy?
- If I meet someone who does want to date but is on the fence about having kids or doesn't want them right away, how do I proceed? In reality, I don't think I'd want kids 100% immediately or super-fast tracked anyway with a partner because - well, you have to get to know someone before you have kids together. Plus I've got other things going on in my life right now (gone back to school for career shift) that would make having kids in the next 1-2 years probably not 100% practical. So I guess I'm really looking at having kids when I'm 39 or 40, if it is even possible at that point, if I met someone right now today? And what if I meet someone who is on the fence about kids or doesn't want them immediately and then we date for 1-2 years and then they decide they really want kids and have to leave me to find someone else?
- How do I talk about all of this with someone new I'm dating? I met someone who I do like recently and the kids thing came up in the course of conversation and based on what he said, I think he's in the bucket of pretty interested in me but not yet in the kid-having place in his life, so the second bullet point above is the applicable situation. I'm trying to figure out how much time to put into the whole thing. The thing is, I don't want to date someone just to find a person who will have children with me. I want to date people because I find them interesting and there is something between us. I guess maybe I should be making as a minimum requirement find them interesting, something between us, and wants kids in the upcoming years. But it's hard after going on a series of not-so-great dates when you finally meet someone and they check the interesting/something between us boxes but maybe not quite the third "kids" box to know how to proceed. I guess my instinct is, let it play out for a while and when we know each other a bit better and maybe at the point that we have the "what are we" conversation, if we get to that point, bring it up in more specifics? But then it's like, if the outcome of that conversation is that it's a no-go and that they really don't want kids soon at all, will I have just wasted a few months that in the current context seem kind of precious in which I could have met someone else who checked all the boxes? I mean, it seems like there is always going to be an element of not knowing how something is going to work out until you try it/chance of dating someone and breaking up with them when that wasn't the plan and that's just life. But I guess it's also a question as well of hedging your bets effectively.
I have thought briefly about single parenthood or adoption. I don't think single parenthood would make me happy, though, and I'm not really in a good position to do it financially at the moment as I'm in the midst of a career shift. Plus, family lives on the other side of the country so it's not like there would be others around to help me out when needed (assuming that was something that they would even want to do). Adoption... maybe I could do that by my mid 40s or something but it also sounds very expensive and again if I wasn't partnered at that point the whole single parenthood thing doesn't sound 100% appealing.
Bottom line or tl;dr: As a woman who solidly but perhaps not "desperately" (for lack of a better adjective) wants kids, I'm wondering how to conceptualize dating in my late 30s. I'm particularly interested in feedback from any other women about this period in their life if they were single, without kids, and dating during it. How do I come to some sort of sense of inner peace about how things might work out? How do I not put tons of pressure on the dating thing, and how do I talk to potential partners about this in a way that honors where I am in life and honors where they are as well? How do I find a balance between looking for someone who is the "one" and looking for someone who has similar goals family-wise?
Since I turned 37 this year, something about the biological clock stuff started seeming more relevant than ever. I have never really had having a kid as a main goal in life, but I guess I assumed it might happen eventually? Now, it is seeming like it's either going to happen almost immediately or it's just not going to happen. The last few years when I thought about it, I guess I just figured in the back of my head that, well, if I don't have a kid, I'll find other things to do with my life/time. But there is something about my current age that just feels like - well it's still not impossible that it could happen, but it is seeming increasingly unlikely and I guess the reality of that has been hitting me a bit.
In the midst of all of this, I'm not partnered and I am trying to get out there and date. But, the dating stuff feels complicated. Thoughts that are floating through my head include,
- When I'm flipping through people on the apps, do I still just choose people who are interested in having kids (or having more kids)? That's what I've been doing, but it's kind of like - are those people even going to be interested in me anyway, given my age? If I was a guy who was interested in having kids I probably wouldn't immediately go for someone who was nearing the end of their childbearing years. I feel like I also see people who don't want kids fairly often or who already have kids and don't want more who seem interesting but I'm discounting them because of the mismatch in goals. This is logical, but maybe one of those people would make me happy?
- If I meet someone who does want to date but is on the fence about having kids or doesn't want them right away, how do I proceed? In reality, I don't think I'd want kids 100% immediately or super-fast tracked anyway with a partner because - well, you have to get to know someone before you have kids together. Plus I've got other things going on in my life right now (gone back to school for career shift) that would make having kids in the next 1-2 years probably not 100% practical. So I guess I'm really looking at having kids when I'm 39 or 40, if it is even possible at that point, if I met someone right now today? And what if I meet someone who is on the fence about kids or doesn't want them immediately and then we date for 1-2 years and then they decide they really want kids and have to leave me to find someone else?
- How do I talk about all of this with someone new I'm dating? I met someone who I do like recently and the kids thing came up in the course of conversation and based on what he said, I think he's in the bucket of pretty interested in me but not yet in the kid-having place in his life, so the second bullet point above is the applicable situation. I'm trying to figure out how much time to put into the whole thing. The thing is, I don't want to date someone just to find a person who will have children with me. I want to date people because I find them interesting and there is something between us. I guess maybe I should be making as a minimum requirement find them interesting, something between us, and wants kids in the upcoming years. But it's hard after going on a series of not-so-great dates when you finally meet someone and they check the interesting/something between us boxes but maybe not quite the third "kids" box to know how to proceed. I guess my instinct is, let it play out for a while and when we know each other a bit better and maybe at the point that we have the "what are we" conversation, if we get to that point, bring it up in more specifics? But then it's like, if the outcome of that conversation is that it's a no-go and that they really don't want kids soon at all, will I have just wasted a few months that in the current context seem kind of precious in which I could have met someone else who checked all the boxes? I mean, it seems like there is always going to be an element of not knowing how something is going to work out until you try it/chance of dating someone and breaking up with them when that wasn't the plan and that's just life. But I guess it's also a question as well of hedging your bets effectively.
I have thought briefly about single parenthood or adoption. I don't think single parenthood would make me happy, though, and I'm not really in a good position to do it financially at the moment as I'm in the midst of a career shift. Plus, family lives on the other side of the country so it's not like there would be others around to help me out when needed (assuming that was something that they would even want to do). Adoption... maybe I could do that by my mid 40s or something but it also sounds very expensive and again if I wasn't partnered at that point the whole single parenthood thing doesn't sound 100% appealing.
Bottom line or tl;dr: As a woman who solidly but perhaps not "desperately" (for lack of a better adjective) wants kids, I'm wondering how to conceptualize dating in my late 30s. I'm particularly interested in feedback from any other women about this period in their life if they were single, without kids, and dating during it. How do I come to some sort of sense of inner peace about how things might work out? How do I not put tons of pressure on the dating thing, and how do I talk to potential partners about this in a way that honors where I am in life and honors where they are as well? How do I find a balance between looking for someone who is the "one" and looking for someone who has similar goals family-wise?
You're overthinking this. Don't EVER choose a mate because you feel pressured - it's almost destined to fail, and that would be horrible for a child. Yes, freeze your eggs, but also - remember you can adopt. With or without a partner. You'll be glad you waited.
posted by summerstorm at 10:25 AM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by summerstorm at 10:25 AM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
I am a guy who's way past your age, and I don't have an answer for you, just a couple thoughts:
a) I believe that there is someone for everyone in this world. This is mainly on faith (the non-religious type). The problem is finding him or her.
b) even if you find someone nearby that has compatible personality, it doesn't mean they have compatible life goals. And given the way the current laws are tilted when it comes to custody and financial arrangements (barring a pre-nup) I can see some men would avoid the question of children altogether.
(Barely related topic: I recently read a case where North Carolina went after a sperm donor for child support. )
c) Go out and meet more people, older or younger. They may not be your mate, but they may lead you to your mate. Love is not something you can "plan" for.
posted by kschang at 10:28 AM on September 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
a) I believe that there is someone for everyone in this world. This is mainly on faith (the non-religious type). The problem is finding him or her.
b) even if you find someone nearby that has compatible personality, it doesn't mean they have compatible life goals. And given the way the current laws are tilted when it comes to custody and financial arrangements (barring a pre-nup) I can see some men would avoid the question of children altogether.
(Barely related topic: I recently read a case where North Carolina went after a sperm donor for child support. )
c) Go out and meet more people, older or younger. They may not be your mate, but they may lead you to your mate. Love is not something you can "plan" for.
posted by kschang at 10:28 AM on September 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
If single parenthood is this unattractive to you, I think you need to consider the statistics before deciding to shape your life choices around having children. Under the circumstances of a rushed courtship, the already not-great likelihood of ending up a single parent (or partnered, but with no real help beyond finances) gets even higher.
Honestly I don't really think anybody should plan a baby anymore without at least knowing what their Plan B is going to be if they have to do it alone, for varying versions of "alone" where there may or may not be financial support. It shouldn't be like that, but it sure seems like it is like that a lot. Obviously people find a way to make it work, but that can be a really hard life, one that it sounds like you very much want to avoid.
If you feel your life is going to be significantly emptier without parenthood, you're probably better off moving back to your support system, having a baby with them, and then worry about dating someone who really suits you and your family after you're out of the toddler forest and get some of your time and attention back for other things, where there's not a deadline.
I am aware that this is maybe a cynical take, but I don't think a very high percentage of men actually want to actively parent, and in your age range if they desperately wanted to they're busy doing it now. You are facing a fairly daunting task here.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:45 AM on September 5, 2021 [37 favorites]
Honestly I don't really think anybody should plan a baby anymore without at least knowing what their Plan B is going to be if they have to do it alone, for varying versions of "alone" where there may or may not be financial support. It shouldn't be like that, but it sure seems like it is like that a lot. Obviously people find a way to make it work, but that can be a really hard life, one that it sounds like you very much want to avoid.
If you feel your life is going to be significantly emptier without parenthood, you're probably better off moving back to your support system, having a baby with them, and then worry about dating someone who really suits you and your family after you're out of the toddler forest and get some of your time and attention back for other things, where there's not a deadline.
I am aware that this is maybe a cynical take, but I don't think a very high percentage of men actually want to actively parent, and in your age range if they desperately wanted to they're busy doing it now. You are facing a fairly daunting task here.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:45 AM on September 5, 2021 [37 favorites]
I'm here to tell you that you are taking this exactly as seriously as you should.
If you know you want kids, it's a precondition of dating. You're ready to partner up and have a family. You only want to be dating people who can say "I feel ready to partner up and have a family. I want a family." You can share everything about the timeline you've thought about, which is completely reasonable and non-desperate sounding.
People who are afraid to have this conversation, or who are put off by your raising the question, are not ready to partner up and have a family.
It's true that you can have a family in an alternative way if you want to, even right now. But if you want to do that with a partner in a nuclear family situation, that's your first priority right now. Enter these discussions with that as your first priority.
The mistake to not make is having this as a true partner selection priority and not revealing it, or dating people who you plan to "bring around" to this point of view "eventually." That is all just wasting time. I wouldn't waste your time.
There is still time for dating and falling in love and enjoying one another's company first. But each year that passes is a decline in fertility. I'm sorry to say it but it's one of life's actually true real things - individual fertility has an end point. Males do not face this reality and at a gut level, I believe they do not understand it. A male can usually father a biokid at age 80 if they want to. The door will not close for them. So they are not incentivized to make these decisions on the same kinds of timeline. That means that some don't until much later. Without thinking hard I can identify five or six male friends whose first bio-child arrived when they were in their mid or late 40s, with a younger partner. They have more time to mature and think about it and prepare. But the risk is that you give someone a lot of time to think about it, and they decide "um, actually no," and you're out a year or more. So only date people that are ready and are mature enough to have the conversation about why they are seeking a partner. Probably not the casual date-r who's just out of a long relationship and having fun. Don't worry about filtering out people who already have children or are thinking about "childbearing years." For the first category, guys that have children do often love kids and want more of them. For the second category, you can opt out of this - you don't even have to talk to them.
If you want to get a sense of where things stand for you biologically, you can go to your gyno and have this discussion with them. You may want to freeze some eggs, sure. You may want to check your hormone levels. Getting some understanding of your position from a medical perspective can help you feel more empowered over this. They can also discuss alternative options for you and might have resources.
posted by Miko at 10:46 AM on September 5, 2021 [27 favorites]
If you know you want kids, it's a precondition of dating. You're ready to partner up and have a family. You only want to be dating people who can say "I feel ready to partner up and have a family. I want a family." You can share everything about the timeline you've thought about, which is completely reasonable and non-desperate sounding.
People who are afraid to have this conversation, or who are put off by your raising the question, are not ready to partner up and have a family.
It's true that you can have a family in an alternative way if you want to, even right now. But if you want to do that with a partner in a nuclear family situation, that's your first priority right now. Enter these discussions with that as your first priority.
The mistake to not make is having this as a true partner selection priority and not revealing it, or dating people who you plan to "bring around" to this point of view "eventually." That is all just wasting time. I wouldn't waste your time.
There is still time for dating and falling in love and enjoying one another's company first. But each year that passes is a decline in fertility. I'm sorry to say it but it's one of life's actually true real things - individual fertility has an end point. Males do not face this reality and at a gut level, I believe they do not understand it. A male can usually father a biokid at age 80 if they want to. The door will not close for them. So they are not incentivized to make these decisions on the same kinds of timeline. That means that some don't until much later. Without thinking hard I can identify five or six male friends whose first bio-child arrived when they were in their mid or late 40s, with a younger partner. They have more time to mature and think about it and prepare. But the risk is that you give someone a lot of time to think about it, and they decide "um, actually no," and you're out a year or more. So only date people that are ready and are mature enough to have the conversation about why they are seeking a partner. Probably not the casual date-r who's just out of a long relationship and having fun. Don't worry about filtering out people who already have children or are thinking about "childbearing years." For the first category, guys that have children do often love kids and want more of them. For the second category, you can opt out of this - you don't even have to talk to them.
If you want to get a sense of where things stand for you biologically, you can go to your gyno and have this discussion with them. You may want to freeze some eggs, sure. You may want to check your hormone levels. Getting some understanding of your position from a medical perspective can help you feel more empowered over this. They can also discuss alternative options for you and might have resources.
posted by Miko at 10:46 AM on September 5, 2021 [27 favorites]
Well for me I started dating men in their early 40’s who were upfront about wanting a family soon. The one I met was very handsome, I found him very attractive- and there were clues he was serious about having a family, like he had already bought a family car etc. his apartment had a room for a baby etc. we ended up married and with 2 kids, fairly quick. It’s been tough(no family support, kids with special needs, CORONA!!!) but neither of us regret having our family and it worked out for me to get very clear about what I wanted. And I think men can be clear too, they have biological clocks.
posted by pairofshades at 10:46 AM on September 5, 2021 [16 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 10:46 AM on September 5, 2021 [16 favorites]
Yeah to support pairofshades comment, men def have biological clocks and while they can produce viable sperm for awhile their fertility *also* starts to decline. There is a man out there in your exact predicament right now who is like, "all of the women who want to have kids have already had them by this age, I won't be able to find someone with compatible goals to start a life with!" So I think it's just a numbers game. My alumni magazine has singles' ads posted in them (like, "business school grad with passion for deep sea fishing who wants kids seeks same!" type of stuff) so maybe think about that as an option for finding a partner? Or, and this is obviously not going to work for everyone but, certain religious organizations that are very like, BUILD FAMILIES!!!! DATE PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH!!! might be a place to...at least see if it's reasonable? (Like across various faiths). Or you could adopt!! You could co-parent for friends with kids too!! There are a lot of options... Good luck!
posted by erattacorrige at 11:01 AM on September 5, 2021
posted by erattacorrige at 11:01 AM on September 5, 2021
I'm the same age as you & throughout my life I always just thought if I was meant to have a kid the kid would show up one way or another. So far they haven't and I doubt they will at this point. But im actually glad about that. But I'm not here to talk about me, just letting you know where im coming from.
This part of your question stuck out to me:
I have thought briefly about single parenthood or adoption. I don't think single parenthood would make me happy, though, and I'm not really in a good position to do it financially at the moment as I'm in the midst of a career shift. Plus, family lives on the other side of the country so it's not like there would be others around to help me out when needed (assuming that was something that they would even want to do).
I think if you're going to have a kid you have to be equally enthusiastic about parenting them alone as you are about parenting them on a team. People die & relationships end & you just can't be sure that the person you start the journey with will always be there. It kind of sounds like we're both in the same boat in that the society we're living in isn't really set up to make child rearing anything but a tremendous personal struggle from start to finish for which you might be totally alone, and you have to have your eyes open to that before you start.
posted by bleep at 11:22 AM on September 5, 2021 [7 favorites]
This part of your question stuck out to me:
I have thought briefly about single parenthood or adoption. I don't think single parenthood would make me happy, though, and I'm not really in a good position to do it financially at the moment as I'm in the midst of a career shift. Plus, family lives on the other side of the country so it's not like there would be others around to help me out when needed (assuming that was something that they would even want to do).
I think if you're going to have a kid you have to be equally enthusiastic about parenting them alone as you are about parenting them on a team. People die & relationships end & you just can't be sure that the person you start the journey with will always be there. It kind of sounds like we're both in the same boat in that the society we're living in isn't really set up to make child rearing anything but a tremendous personal struggle from start to finish for which you might be totally alone, and you have to have your eyes open to that before you start.
posted by bleep at 11:22 AM on September 5, 2021 [7 favorites]
Just tell people early on that you're looking to have kids. It's that simple. If you're going to have a successful relationship with anyone, they have to be open and accepting to who you truly are and want you really want. The best way to find that person? Be honest and direct while you are dating. If you have to hook someone by holding things back or hiding elements of your desires now in hopes of sneaking them in later, that isn't a great foundation to start from. Granted, I am a focus group of one and I know there are stories people tell about how with time someone "came around" or what have you, but none of my relationships where I had to be covert about my wants ever worked, and I don't actually know anyone in a really happy partnership that did it that way. What seems more common is someone eventually got worn down or surprised later, and those couples always seem more uncomfortable and prone to misunderstandings and conflicts. The happy couples I know both wanted the same things and pursued them together as a team.
Also, any dude who reacts dramatically to you just saying you generally want kids early on just did you a favor as far as I'm concerned. Who said she wanted a kid with YOU? Calm down.
posted by amycup at 11:33 AM on September 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
Also, any dude who reacts dramatically to you just saying you generally want kids early on just did you a favor as far as I'm concerned. Who said she wanted a kid with YOU? Calm down.
posted by amycup at 11:33 AM on September 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: That's actually a very good point that I hadn't considered about single parenthood arriving in other ways besides the way you start out... so I think there's more to think about there for sure. I should maybe clarify that I was thinking more in terms of not wanting to pursue parenthood as a single person from the get-go. Sure, you never know how things are going to work out and there's a not insignificant chance that a marriage would fall apart and you'd end up single parenting anyway. But there's also a difference between becoming pregnant from a sperm donor who would not conceivably have any responsibility towards (nor would you want them to have any responsibility towards) a child and co-parenting with someone you're divorced from or dealing with the death of a spouse. When I thought about the single parenthood or adoption thing I think I was thinking in the context of deliberately choosing to do that by myself, as opposed to potentially ending up in that situation in the course of things. I feel like there's a difference between those situations, and while I might not seek something like that out I could/would adapt to it if it just arose because of various factors.
posted by knownfossils at 11:34 AM on September 5, 2021
posted by knownfossils at 11:34 AM on September 5, 2021
Since you say you’d be open to adoption, are you considering dating folks who already have kids, even if they don’t want more? You get to see what kind of parent they are up front, and it takes some urgency out of your timeline.
Also, I’ve never wanted kids, and I still felt sad about getting too old to carry my own. Having heavy feelings about the waning of your fertility doesn’t necessarily mean you want kids.
posted by momus_window at 11:35 AM on September 5, 2021 [17 favorites]
Also, I’ve never wanted kids, and I still felt sad about getting too old to carry my own. Having heavy feelings about the waning of your fertility doesn’t necessarily mean you want kids.
posted by momus_window at 11:35 AM on September 5, 2021 [17 favorites]
The mistake to not make is having this as a true partner selection priority and not revealing it, or dating people who you plan to "bring around" to this point of view "eventually." That is all just wasting time. I wouldn't waste your time.
I need to strongly second this. I recently witnessed a close friend go through a very painful separation because one member of the couple definitely wanted kids, accepted the other person's "maybe some day, but I don't know" and when the former got to "we're running out of time," the latter turned out to be "actually, no." It was awful for everyone involved, and they both spent several years together before getting to this breaking point.
If this is a non-negotiable item for you, you owe it to both yourself and your potential partners to make that crystal clear from the beginning. Anyone who is turned off by it is not someone you should be dating anyway.
posted by primethyme at 11:52 AM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
I need to strongly second this. I recently witnessed a close friend go through a very painful separation because one member of the couple definitely wanted kids, accepted the other person's "maybe some day, but I don't know" and when the former got to "we're running out of time," the latter turned out to be "actually, no." It was awful for everyone involved, and they both spent several years together before getting to this breaking point.
If this is a non-negotiable item for you, you owe it to both yourself and your potential partners to make that crystal clear from the beginning. Anyone who is turned off by it is not someone you should be dating anyway.
posted by primethyme at 11:52 AM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
If you can see a therapist for a few sessions to clarify your thoughts around parenthood, I think you'd be more comfortable in your own mind and in talking with prospective partners. If it turns out biological offspring are a life goal, you'll have to be deliberate about it -- which is the right approach for anything important to you, really. Seconding seeing a doctor and having a fertility work-up, a.s.a.p.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:58 AM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:58 AM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
If you don't end up having a child and don't end up with a partner, which will you regret more?
If you've decided you want a kid, you should go forth and try to have a kid. Don't make major life decisions based on someone else, especially someone else who may not ever exist.
On top of that, adoption is much more ethically murky than the "just adopt!" responses here would have you believe. Please don't look at adoption as a backup plan.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:00 PM on September 5, 2021 [6 favorites]
If you've decided you want a kid, you should go forth and try to have a kid. Don't make major life decisions based on someone else, especially someone else who may not ever exist.
On top of that, adoption is much more ethically murky than the "just adopt!" responses here would have you believe. Please don't look at adoption as a backup plan.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:00 PM on September 5, 2021 [6 favorites]
I'm the opposite - 36F who doesn't want kids (and is sterilized!)
In my city (northeast US), the vast majority of men age 30-45 (the range I set) put "wants kids" or "open to kids" on their profiles on Hinge and Bumble, so if you haven't tried those apps and those filters, hopefully that will help you - may depend on your location of course.
posted by CancerSucks at 12:01 PM on September 5, 2021
In my city (northeast US), the vast majority of men age 30-45 (the range I set) put "wants kids" or "open to kids" on their profiles on Hinge and Bumble, so if you haven't tried those apps and those filters, hopefully that will help you - may depend on your location of course.
posted by CancerSucks at 12:01 PM on September 5, 2021
It seems that as you're staring down the last years of your fertility, it's kinda like, well, better do it now or I'll miss my chance. I think that if you're going to have a kid, especially at your age, you kinda have to be "yes, I am 100% sure I want a kid in the next couple of years." (And you don't have to be desperate either.) That will help you screen for partners. You're still in the "if it happens, it happens" mindset which is why you're overthinking a lot. So either be 100% sure you want a kid and screen for partners who want the same, OR keep going with the "if it happens, it happens" mindset and screen for partners who you feel a connection with etc. Maybe an "oops" baby will happen and you'll both be ok with it. Or you're ok with it and he's not, or vice versa. Or maybe no baby will happen and you're both ok with it.
For the "if it happens, it happens" mindset, you definitely do have to be ok with a baby not happening. If you're not comfortable with that uncertainty, you kind of have to make the choice of "yes, I 100% want a baby in the next couple of years." I know what you're thinking - of course that mindset doesn't guarantee 100% a baby will happen and you may end up being really disappointed that it doesn't after being fully committed to the idea. But honestly? That's life.
posted by foxjacket at 12:02 PM on September 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
For the "if it happens, it happens" mindset, you definitely do have to be ok with a baby not happening. If you're not comfortable with that uncertainty, you kind of have to make the choice of "yes, I 100% want a baby in the next couple of years." I know what you're thinking - of course that mindset doesn't guarantee 100% a baby will happen and you may end up being really disappointed that it doesn't after being fully committed to the idea. But honestly? That's life.
posted by foxjacket at 12:02 PM on September 5, 2021 [5 favorites]
If you are really determined to do this from a dating trajectory, one thing you need to internalize all the way down to your mitochondria is this:
Babies do not fix a man. He will not get more enthusiastic when the baby comes. He will not learn to cook and clean if he doesn't already know how (and he should not fall back to not cooking and cleaning just because of your presence), he should already know how to comport himself in the world with maturity and compassion and getting shit done, and it is too late to start therapizing his own childhood traumas if he hasn't done it already. He should be conversant with the vocabulary and controversies and philosophies of child-rearing (and therapy). If you are sitting across the table from a man who obviously has not already done some hard work fixing himself and has a toolbox to draw from for further construction, that needs to be your final date.
If I was in your position and firmly decided that this is not an "if it happens" but "I need this to happen" situation, I would be surgically clear in my dating profiles: I am not here for entertainment. I am entirely oriented toward growing a fantastic relationship and starting a family. Let's not waste each other's time if that is not also where you are. I can't push you across that finish line, you need to already be at it. You will get far fewer dates - and some of those are going to be creepoids who want a mommy or assume you are desperate and will take lots of abuse if they dangle enough material support - and you need to be deeply honest to yourself and healthily skeptical in your assessments of suitability, but that is how you clear your path for someone who actually is ready AND capable AND - the most important and difficult of the criteria - compatible with you in easy and hard times.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:09 PM on September 5, 2021 [24 favorites]
Babies do not fix a man. He will not get more enthusiastic when the baby comes. He will not learn to cook and clean if he doesn't already know how (and he should not fall back to not cooking and cleaning just because of your presence), he should already know how to comport himself in the world with maturity and compassion and getting shit done, and it is too late to start therapizing his own childhood traumas if he hasn't done it already. He should be conversant with the vocabulary and controversies and philosophies of child-rearing (and therapy). If you are sitting across the table from a man who obviously has not already done some hard work fixing himself and has a toolbox to draw from for further construction, that needs to be your final date.
If I was in your position and firmly decided that this is not an "if it happens" but "I need this to happen" situation, I would be surgically clear in my dating profiles: I am not here for entertainment. I am entirely oriented toward growing a fantastic relationship and starting a family. Let's not waste each other's time if that is not also where you are. I can't push you across that finish line, you need to already be at it. You will get far fewer dates - and some of those are going to be creepoids who want a mommy or assume you are desperate and will take lots of abuse if they dangle enough material support - and you need to be deeply honest to yourself and healthily skeptical in your assessments of suitability, but that is how you clear your path for someone who actually is ready AND capable AND - the most important and difficult of the criteria - compatible with you in easy and hard times.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:09 PM on September 5, 2021 [24 favorites]
As others have said, be upfront and date people who are on the same page. Don't waste your time on people who don't want the same thing. You'll have fewer prospects but more serious ones.
Keep your dating app age brackets open to younger guys (30+ as well). I'm at the same age and have found I get basically no traction with guys my age and older (I'm assuming, because they either think women at our age want kids asap or they want kids soon and want to have them with a younger woman). The early 30 something guys, however, often are more open to women in their late 30s, and early 30s is still a reasonable time for a guy to be interested in having kids within the next few years if he meets the right partner.
Also, if you're thinking about egg freezing, while it is definitely not a guarantee (despite what some clinics will tell you) I would make an appointment to get your initial bloodtests and kickstart this process asap. Like now. You don't want to be kicking yourself at 40 or 45 for having not done the one thing you could do that was somewhat in your control. I was afraid to have this done because of all the horror stories online but my personal experience has been that it was an easier process than the internet would have you believe (that said, I did not take an aggressive approach re: the medications so I had minimal side effects, which was easier on my body, but also resulted in a lower egg count).
posted by cultureclash82 at 12:54 PM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
Keep your dating app age brackets open to younger guys (30+ as well). I'm at the same age and have found I get basically no traction with guys my age and older (I'm assuming, because they either think women at our age want kids asap or they want kids soon and want to have them with a younger woman). The early 30 something guys, however, often are more open to women in their late 30s, and early 30s is still a reasonable time for a guy to be interested in having kids within the next few years if he meets the right partner.
Also, if you're thinking about egg freezing, while it is definitely not a guarantee (despite what some clinics will tell you) I would make an appointment to get your initial bloodtests and kickstart this process asap. Like now. You don't want to be kicking yourself at 40 or 45 for having not done the one thing you could do that was somewhat in your control. I was afraid to have this done because of all the horror stories online but my personal experience has been that it was an easier process than the internet would have you believe (that said, I did not take an aggressive approach re: the medications so I had minimal side effects, which was easier on my body, but also resulted in a lower egg count).
posted by cultureclash82 at 12:54 PM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
I know of at least one woman whose husband divorced her after she couldn't get pregnant with him. So I'd encourage you to talk through various "what ifs" with any future partner - what if I end up needing IVF? What if the first round of IVF fails? how do we feel about adoption? etc.
posted by coffeecat at 1:27 PM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 1:27 PM on September 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
Hi me from c.2012-2013. My therapist at that time suggested egg freezing to take any pressure off of a relationship. I elected not too, since it seemed like something I should have done back in my early 30s instead of 37-38.
I did end up meeting someone fairly quickly once I stepped back into the dating world. However, even though we were both open about wanting kids I had to remind him after a few years together, "it's now or never dude". We ended up getting some assistance from a reproductive endocrinologist, and I gave birth to our now 4 year old at age 42. I won't lie, there were some rough times that first year with a baby, but we made it through and are still together.
My advice, for what it's worth:
-Get started now if you have the money for egg freezing and want to go that route.
-Be upfront about your family goals while dating. I liked Lyn Never's wording.
-When you do find a partner, try to get on the same page as to timing and what interventions you are both willing to go through. I kind of had to drag my partner to the RE, and the issues we got treated for were with both of us, not just my age.
-Get help conceiving if you need it sooner rather than later. Six months is the recommended "trying before going to doctor" once you are past 35, younger women usually are told to wait a year.
-Communication is key. From the first dates to parenting.
Good luck!
posted by weathergal at 1:47 PM on September 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
I did end up meeting someone fairly quickly once I stepped back into the dating world. However, even though we were both open about wanting kids I had to remind him after a few years together, "it's now or never dude". We ended up getting some assistance from a reproductive endocrinologist, and I gave birth to our now 4 year old at age 42. I won't lie, there were some rough times that first year with a baby, but we made it through and are still together.
My advice, for what it's worth:
-Get started now if you have the money for egg freezing and want to go that route.
-Be upfront about your family goals while dating. I liked Lyn Never's wording.
-When you do find a partner, try to get on the same page as to timing and what interventions you are both willing to go through. I kind of had to drag my partner to the RE, and the issues we got treated for were with both of us, not just my age.
-Get help conceiving if you need it sooner rather than later. Six months is the recommended "trying before going to doctor" once you are past 35, younger women usually are told to wait a year.
-Communication is key. From the first dates to parenting.
Good luck!
posted by weathergal at 1:47 PM on September 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
It seems like a lot of your question is based on assumptions, and some of these may be correct, some may be incorrect and some may be correct most of the time but not always. I got pregnant at 38 via IVF but the problems were on the male side. My tests were all fantastic. There was one test where when we discussed the results, she said I had a better chance of getting pregnant than a younger person with a lesser result on the test. She all but guaranteed she could get me pregnant since male problems are easier to fix, and IVF worked on the first try. So if you were concerned that you were in your end of your fertility window, it might be worth it to get some tests for your peace of mind. You may have more time than you think.
Similarly, I too had planned to parent with a partner. It did not work out that way. I am in several single parent groups and know a range of moms some of whom had babies single by choice, others (the vast majority) by divorce and a few like me due to the unexpected passing of their partner. It is like comparing apples to oranges. The women who are divorced have a lot of struggles with child support, custody schedules and things like this. I don’t deal with those, but I deal with other things, and the single moms by choice deal with different things than me. It’s not the same experience, even though we are all ‘single moms.’
Where I am at now, I am finding that the biggest challenge in having a child ‘late’ has been that I did find myself single, I do try to date sometimes, and most of the guys my age have older kids and are in a different kind of schedule than me. Like, one guy got mad because he would call me at 6:30 and I wouldn’t answer him until 8 pm. 6:30 is prime toddler dinner/bath/bedtime. I don’t even answer my mom if she calls at 6:30! His kids were older and he just wasn’t on that wavelength. He wasn’t a bad person, it just didn’t work.
posted by ficbot at 2:36 PM on September 5, 2021 [3 favorites]
Similarly, I too had planned to parent with a partner. It did not work out that way. I am in several single parent groups and know a range of moms some of whom had babies single by choice, others (the vast majority) by divorce and a few like me due to the unexpected passing of their partner. It is like comparing apples to oranges. The women who are divorced have a lot of struggles with child support, custody schedules and things like this. I don’t deal with those, but I deal with other things, and the single moms by choice deal with different things than me. It’s not the same experience, even though we are all ‘single moms.’
Where I am at now, I am finding that the biggest challenge in having a child ‘late’ has been that I did find myself single, I do try to date sometimes, and most of the guys my age have older kids and are in a different kind of schedule than me. Like, one guy got mad because he would call me at 6:30 and I wouldn’t answer him until 8 pm. 6:30 is prime toddler dinner/bath/bedtime. I don’t even answer my mom if she calls at 6:30! His kids were older and he just wasn’t on that wavelength. He wasn’t a bad person, it just didn’t work.
posted by ficbot at 2:36 PM on September 5, 2021 [3 favorites]
I'm with Lyn Never: spell it out. Say it on the first date: "I'm looking to get married and pregnant within 1-2 years and I want someone who wants same. Anyone feeling less than 100% certain on that topic, I don't have the time to entertain you as a possibility that may fizzle out." Don't even bother with the on the fencers or someone who might want them "later." You want a father for your child/ren, that's your number one priority over someone else who you might feel compatible with but not in that arena. Don't bother with anyone who's iffy.
You don't have the time to keep trying on revolving doors of dudes for a few months to see if they fit. Anyone you might like and find interesting also wants to have kids ASAP. That's your priority. Don't shop for "I like him mentally/sexually and he's a maybe on kids." If this is your number one thing, only shop for "wants kids in 1-2 years" and THEN see if you can find someone you like otherwise from there.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:49 PM on September 5, 2021
You don't have the time to keep trying on revolving doors of dudes for a few months to see if they fit. Anyone you might like and find interesting also wants to have kids ASAP. That's your priority. Don't shop for "I like him mentally/sexually and he's a maybe on kids." If this is your number one thing, only shop for "wants kids in 1-2 years" and THEN see if you can find someone you like otherwise from there.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:49 PM on September 5, 2021
Regarding blood/fertility tests, ask your OBGYN to order day 3 blood work. You either go to their office or a lab on the third day of your period and there are about a dozen tests that my doctor did which will give you strong insight into your egg reserves and the ability of a hormone to stimulate egg release, as well as other hormone levels .
We are trying at age 40 and I’m so grateful for the friends who had kids/are trying in their 40s for sharing what I needed to be aware of/ask for. No one blinked an eye when I started pursuing fertility tests before six months of trying.
posted by icaicaer at 4:29 PM on September 5, 2021
We are trying at age 40 and I’m so grateful for the friends who had kids/are trying in their 40s for sharing what I needed to be aware of/ask for. No one blinked an eye when I started pursuing fertility tests before six months of trying.
posted by icaicaer at 4:29 PM on September 5, 2021
I just had my first kid, I'm in my late thirties. It took us a few years of trying. Fertility does not magically vanish after age 35 or 40, but it does decline gradually and that means you are more likely to need medical intervention to make it happen.
My advice on that front would be to think about the realities of assisted reproduction. It is rough. Suppose you do meet the right person and decide you want kids - how do you feel about spending several years of your life on endless doctor visits, trying, waiting, and unpleasant tests and treatments? Are you willing to spend a pile of money on IVF? And oh, the uncertainty. Not only do these weigh on you, they can strain your relationship. You really want to be with the right person. On the plus side surviving all that gave us confidence that we could parent together.
If you feel like that's something you can handle, then you have a bit more time to find the right person to take that journey with. People routinely have babies in their forties. It's just not a sure thing and it might not be easy.
And I echo the suggestion to have your current doctor, or a reproductive endocrinologist, run some blood tests to see a bit about the current picture of your fertility.
posted by mai at 9:48 AM on September 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
My advice on that front would be to think about the realities of assisted reproduction. It is rough. Suppose you do meet the right person and decide you want kids - how do you feel about spending several years of your life on endless doctor visits, trying, waiting, and unpleasant tests and treatments? Are you willing to spend a pile of money on IVF? And oh, the uncertainty. Not only do these weigh on you, they can strain your relationship. You really want to be with the right person. On the plus side surviving all that gave us confidence that we could parent together.
If you feel like that's something you can handle, then you have a bit more time to find the right person to take that journey with. People routinely have babies in their forties. It's just not a sure thing and it might not be easy.
And I echo the suggestion to have your current doctor, or a reproductive endocrinologist, run some blood tests to see a bit about the current picture of your fertility.
posted by mai at 9:48 AM on September 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
Seconding the advice to get on with things. We started trying when my wife was 37 and she gave birth at 40. My second wife I met online (through a site that allows you to select by whether or not you want kids now / soon / later). She was 38 and I was 47. We now have two more kids, born when she was 40 and 42. So it can certainly be done, and there are good people out there looking for the same thing, but you have to look hard and date your fair share of frogs first...
posted by tillsbury at 12:50 AM on September 7, 2021
posted by tillsbury at 12:50 AM on September 7, 2021
Also, I’ve never wanted kids, and I still felt sad about getting too old to carry my own. Having heavy feelings about the waning of your fertility doesn’t necessarily mean you want kids.
Yes, this. Worth giving some thought to whether you really want kids, and if so, how badly.
OP, you said this:
I feel like I also see people who don't want kids fairly often or who already have kids and don't want more who seem interesting but I'm discounting them because of the mismatch in goals. This is logical, but maybe one of those people would make me happy?
If you were with them and never had kids, would you be happy? If the answer is no, then no, they could not make you happy. Food for thought.
You also said:
The thing is, I don't want to date someone just to find a person who will have children with me. I want to date people because I find them interesting and there is something between us.
Having been in your shoes (aka a woman trying to date in her late thirties, a point where neither marriage nor kids is remotely guaranteed to happen), I'd recommend thinking through your priorities:
Which is more important to you, having kids or being married to someone you find interesting/makes you happy? Think about what you'd do if you had to pick only one of those, because (sorry to be a Debbie Downer), it could come down to that choice. e.g would you prefer to be (a) married to someone who makes you happy apart from the kids thing or (b) married w/ kids to someone who was a bit of a settle but is a great husband and father. I think it's an interesting and useful exercise.
If you decide that yes, you definitely want kids, and you would not be very happy with a man who doesn't want kids, then I second everyone above who said to be clear-cut and honest about your desires right from the start! Don't waste time on those who are wishy-washy about this. Good luck!
posted by sunflower16 at 7:17 PM on September 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
Yes, this. Worth giving some thought to whether you really want kids, and if so, how badly.
OP, you said this:
I feel like I also see people who don't want kids fairly often or who already have kids and don't want more who seem interesting but I'm discounting them because of the mismatch in goals. This is logical, but maybe one of those people would make me happy?
If you were with them and never had kids, would you be happy? If the answer is no, then no, they could not make you happy. Food for thought.
You also said:
The thing is, I don't want to date someone just to find a person who will have children with me. I want to date people because I find them interesting and there is something between us.
Having been in your shoes (aka a woman trying to date in her late thirties, a point where neither marriage nor kids is remotely guaranteed to happen), I'd recommend thinking through your priorities:
Which is more important to you, having kids or being married to someone you find interesting/makes you happy? Think about what you'd do if you had to pick only one of those, because (sorry to be a Debbie Downer), it could come down to that choice. e.g would you prefer to be (a) married to someone who makes you happy apart from the kids thing or (b) married w/ kids to someone who was a bit of a settle but is a great husband and father. I think it's an interesting and useful exercise.
If you decide that yes, you definitely want kids, and you would not be very happy with a man who doesn't want kids, then I second everyone above who said to be clear-cut and honest about your desires right from the start! Don't waste time on those who are wishy-washy about this. Good luck!
posted by sunflower16 at 7:17 PM on September 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by keep it under cover at 9:52 AM on September 5, 2021 [7 favorites]