Is the cure baby aspirin? Because I'll take some .
November 12, 2009 5:55 PM Subscribe
Baby Fever... The biological clock is ticking hard. While I realize it is totally natural, and I know that eventually I want children, how do I calm the hell down? I feel such a huge sadness when I think that it might never happen...
The stats: 29 year old female, single. Lots of dating experience, long term and short-term-fun-times. I feel confident in who I am, and the cool little life I'm making for myself. Gainfully employed in a fun industry I love. Have yet to meet a man I feel I want to marry and/or have kids yet. Ideally, those things would go together.
There's been other questions in AskMifi in regards to "holy crap where did this baby fever come from, I dont want kids??!!" I've always wanted kids. But at this point in my life, the desire seems overwhelming and crippling. I have babysat a lot, I have friends and co-workers with children, and I love spending time with them. I know it is not nearly the same thing as having your own, but even on that level - I feel a huge longing after being with the kiddos. I know that when/if I do have kids, it isnt a picnic.
This is the only thing in my whole life where I feel like I am on a deadline. If someone could just tell me "oh, dont worry, you will have kids when you are 31" I'd stop worrying about it. I don't even want them right now, next week or even possibly next year - I still enjoy my freedom, I work a ton, I dont have the finances quite yet, and... I havent met that guy yet.
I'm just really facing this overwhelming dread that it is never going to happen. To compound matters, a striking number of adult, childless females in my life keep telling me that I should just get knocked up by whatever guy I'm with. These are strong, beautiful women with great minds, careers, lives... yet they say this with almost a desperation in their eyes that, as you can imagine, does not help that dread.
It hasnt gotten to the point where I'm actually thinking about just getting knocked up, but it does color a lot of my thinking - Am I in a job where I can have kids in the next few years? (Good future thinking) Are any of these guys I'm dating have any father potential? (Not bad future thinking) Should I just pick one to hurry up, marry, get knocked up by and see what happens? (Not... so good.) Everyone keeps telling me how great I am with kids, and when am I going to have my own... I know they mean well and it is a compliment, but it just evokes this huge sadness in my heart, a fear that it will never happen. Any advice for combating this?
Note: I do not equate wanting a kid with absolutely having to have a kid. I'm not just going to get pregnant and have a baby because then everything will be happy and rainbows will fly across the sky with unicorns. I realize there are many elements of my life that have to come together to support a healthy, happy parenthood.
The stats: 29 year old female, single. Lots of dating experience, long term and short-term-fun-times. I feel confident in who I am, and the cool little life I'm making for myself. Gainfully employed in a fun industry I love. Have yet to meet a man I feel I want to marry and/or have kids yet. Ideally, those things would go together.
There's been other questions in AskMifi in regards to "holy crap where did this baby fever come from, I dont want kids??!!" I've always wanted kids. But at this point in my life, the desire seems overwhelming and crippling. I have babysat a lot, I have friends and co-workers with children, and I love spending time with them. I know it is not nearly the same thing as having your own, but even on that level - I feel a huge longing after being with the kiddos. I know that when/if I do have kids, it isnt a picnic.
This is the only thing in my whole life where I feel like I am on a deadline. If someone could just tell me "oh, dont worry, you will have kids when you are 31" I'd stop worrying about it. I don't even want them right now, next week or even possibly next year - I still enjoy my freedom, I work a ton, I dont have the finances quite yet, and... I havent met that guy yet.
I'm just really facing this overwhelming dread that it is never going to happen. To compound matters, a striking number of adult, childless females in my life keep telling me that I should just get knocked up by whatever guy I'm with. These are strong, beautiful women with great minds, careers, lives... yet they say this with almost a desperation in their eyes that, as you can imagine, does not help that dread.
It hasnt gotten to the point where I'm actually thinking about just getting knocked up, but it does color a lot of my thinking - Am I in a job where I can have kids in the next few years? (Good future thinking) Are any of these guys I'm dating have any father potential? (Not bad future thinking) Should I just pick one to hurry up, marry, get knocked up by and see what happens? (Not... so good.) Everyone keeps telling me how great I am with kids, and when am I going to have my own... I know they mean well and it is a compliment, but it just evokes this huge sadness in my heart, a fear that it will never happen. Any advice for combating this?
Note: I do not equate wanting a kid with absolutely having to have a kid. I'm not just going to get pregnant and have a baby because then everything will be happy and rainbows will fly across the sky with unicorns. I realize there are many elements of my life that have to come together to support a healthy, happy parenthood.
If it won't break your heart or make you nuts, try to spend as much time as possible, especially like a whole weekend, with other people and their kids. See if pregnancy/adoption stress and general kid wrangling is something you really want/can handle. I think kids are awesome but it can be easy to romanticize them.
posted by ShadePlant at 6:22 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by ShadePlant at 6:22 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Having kids is wonderful. Raising a baby alone is really not easy. Some babies/children are healthy and easy, but some have cystic fibrosis, autism, Down syndrome, etc. Children are vastly easier to raise with 2 incomes, or 1 income with health insurance and 1 stay-at-home parent.
There have been lots of dating threads. There are nice men who are single, want to find a partner, and want children. I hope one of them is lucky enough to be found by you.
posted by theora55 at 6:30 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
There have been lots of dating threads. There are nice men who are single, want to find a partner, and want children. I hope one of them is lucky enough to be found by you.
posted by theora55 at 6:30 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
I was in the same position (a long time ago). It got better when I realized that, if I didn't find The Man, I could and would become a single mother, either by adoption (probably the route I would have taken) or sperm donor.
I got lucky in the nick of time (and, oddly, that Bonnie Raitt song was around just at that time) and found the man and had the baby. (only one, though. I was too old to get pregnant again and we didn't want another one badly enough to go through an adoption process or fertility treatments, and, in fact, having one is just fine) but, before I did, I really started to feel so so much better once I looked around and saw all the single mothers around me. Some were single mothers by choice, and (many many) others were divorced, with the fathers participating more or less. I started to realize that single motherhood is common phenomenon in the US, sometimes by choice, sometimes by change.
In fact, it can be helpful (and I'm not talking Schadenfreude here) to realize that Happily Ever After doesn't, in fact, happen for the, what is it, 50% of families that start out intact and wind up in divorce?
Of course you want what you want, and I hope you're lucky enough to get what you want in the "correct" sequence. But if you don't, you DO have the capacity to create a family (children) for yourself, and then you will have the rest of your life to find the right relationship.
P.S. Don't listen to the people here who are doubting that you really want children. You probably really are good with children and you probably really do want them. It's hard to have kids by yourself but I know many many people (women AND men, gay and straight) who are doing it alone --- by alone, I mean single-parent. There are usually friends, family, and other community members involved (it takes a village, anyway), and I don't know ONE person who has regretted having their kid(s).
I could list the celebrities who have adopted children in their 30's, but you can research this as well as I can. Yes, they probably have a lot more money than you do, but money is only one factor in raising a child.
Therefore -- I'd tell myself, if I were in your situation (and I was), that I was giving myself X more years to get the relationship I wanted, and after that, I'd start steps toward becoming a single mother, with the idea that it was not a defeat but, rather, a steppingstone to "having it all."
good luck!
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:46 PM on November 12, 2009 [5 favorites]
I got lucky in the nick of time (and, oddly, that Bonnie Raitt song was around just at that time) and found the man and had the baby. (only one, though. I was too old to get pregnant again and we didn't want another one badly enough to go through an adoption process or fertility treatments, and, in fact, having one is just fine) but, before I did, I really started to feel so so much better once I looked around and saw all the single mothers around me. Some were single mothers by choice, and (many many) others were divorced, with the fathers participating more or less. I started to realize that single motherhood is common phenomenon in the US, sometimes by choice, sometimes by change.
In fact, it can be helpful (and I'm not talking Schadenfreude here) to realize that Happily Ever After doesn't, in fact, happen for the, what is it, 50% of families that start out intact and wind up in divorce?
Of course you want what you want, and I hope you're lucky enough to get what you want in the "correct" sequence. But if you don't, you DO have the capacity to create a family (children) for yourself, and then you will have the rest of your life to find the right relationship.
P.S. Don't listen to the people here who are doubting that you really want children. You probably really are good with children and you probably really do want them. It's hard to have kids by yourself but I know many many people (women AND men, gay and straight) who are doing it alone --- by alone, I mean single-parent. There are usually friends, family, and other community members involved (it takes a village, anyway), and I don't know ONE person who has regretted having their kid(s).
I could list the celebrities who have adopted children in their 30's, but you can research this as well as I can. Yes, they probably have a lot more money than you do, but money is only one factor in raising a child.
Therefore -- I'd tell myself, if I were in your situation (and I was), that I was giving myself X more years to get the relationship I wanted, and after that, I'd start steps toward becoming a single mother, with the idea that it was not a defeat but, rather, a steppingstone to "having it all."
good luck!
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:46 PM on November 12, 2009 [5 favorites]
You're only 29! That leaves plenty of time for baby-making. There is a ridiculous amount of societal and cultural pressure toward having both career and family, and that having a baby somehow completes your life.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:55 PM on November 12, 2009
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:55 PM on November 12, 2009
My ex-boyfriend's mother told me that whenever I start to feel this way I should find someone with a baby and babysit overnight, preferably when the baby is sick. I can testify that this is very effective.
In the bigger picture, though, you're still young. You have plenty of time. Relax.
posted by hecho de la basura at 7:04 PM on November 12, 2009
In the bigger picture, though, you're still young. You have plenty of time. Relax.
posted by hecho de la basura at 7:04 PM on November 12, 2009
Your biological clock isn't ticking any more than it's ever been. You're twenty-freaking-nine. You're being obsessive, and the armchair dial a shrink analysis is generally that it's to avoid confronting some other thing in your life.
So: a) you're okay, you're a long time from this being an actual issue and b) you might want to figure out what the actual issue is -- dissatisfaction with romantic relationships, city, your job, etc.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:06 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
So: a) you're okay, you're a long time from this being an actual issue and b) you might want to figure out what the actual issue is -- dissatisfaction with romantic relationships, city, your job, etc.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:06 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
To compound matters, a striking number of adult, childless females in my life keep telling me that I should just get knocked up by whatever guy I'm with. These are strong, beautiful women with great minds, careers, lives... yet they say this with almost a desperation in their eyes that, as you can imagine, does not help that dread.
You gotta stop talking to those people about this. They're projecting. That attitude doesn't have to do with you.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:08 PM on November 12, 2009
You gotta stop talking to those people about this. They're projecting. That attitude doesn't have to do with you.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:08 PM on November 12, 2009
Sorry to be contrary Mary.... but you don't necessarily have plenty of time. According to my doctors, female fertility drops after 34 and then drastically after 38.
Approximate fertility rates by age.
That said, parenting is really, really, really hard. And lonely and isolating at times. I assume you're American because of the demographic of this site... but American's don't seem to do "mother's group" which keeps most Australian mothers sane in the first two years. So I don't advise doing it alone unless you're about to turn 38 and still haven't found someone to settle with.
I wouldn't worry too much right now.... but you don't have all the time in the world. And fertility doctors around the world rue the words of people who say you do. High profile Hollywood types get pregnant after 40, but according to my clinic, it's usually from donor eggs.... which you don't hear about.
In an ideal world, biologically, you'd be getting pregnant around 34. So you have some time. ... but not as much as some might have you think.
posted by taff at 7:25 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Approximate fertility rates by age.
That said, parenting is really, really, really hard. And lonely and isolating at times. I assume you're American because of the demographic of this site... but American's don't seem to do "mother's group" which keeps most Australian mothers sane in the first two years. So I don't advise doing it alone unless you're about to turn 38 and still haven't found someone to settle with.
I wouldn't worry too much right now.... but you don't have all the time in the world. And fertility doctors around the world rue the words of people who say you do. High profile Hollywood types get pregnant after 40, but according to my clinic, it's usually from donor eggs.... which you don't hear about.
In an ideal world, biologically, you'd be getting pregnant around 34. So you have some time. ... but not as much as some might have you think.
posted by taff at 7:25 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Daddies are interesting creatures. After hanging out with my parenting group for the past year, I can tell you that the daddy spectrum is much larger than the mommy spectrum. I can also tell you that mommy wellbeing/happiness is often much higher when the daddy is on the more involved end of the spectrum. Having a helpful daddy is good. Any old dude can be a father but not a daddy.
I was SHOCKED at the level of uninvolvement of some of these dads in my parenting group (my thoughts: it is the year 2008 (9?), this mommy is a feminist/educated/smart/whatever! etc. etc.)
So as you're on the dating scene, maybe view dates as potential daddies.
Babies are awesome, but they are much more awesome with a good partner involved.
posted by k8t at 7:27 PM on November 12, 2009
I was SHOCKED at the level of uninvolvement of some of these dads in my parenting group (my thoughts: it is the year 2008 (9?), this mommy is a feminist/educated/smart/whatever! etc. etc.)
So as you're on the dating scene, maybe view dates as potential daddies.
Babies are awesome, but they are much more awesome with a good partner involved.
posted by k8t at 7:27 PM on November 12, 2009
You've already spent a lot of time with kids, and you aren't planning on doing anything rash -- which is great. But taff has it right: you are on a deadline. Female fertility starts declining in a woman's late twenties, and the decline is significant by the mid-thirties. Certainly many women successfully have babies in their thirties and forties, but delaying pregnancy beyond the early thirties is a big gamble for someone who's certain that she wants kids. You clearly know some women for whom that gamble didn't pay off. So do I.
Since you're not wanting to be a single parent, your next step is finding the guy, and it may be time for you to take a more active role in finding someone who's in tune with your goals and your timeline. You're looking for the person who will help you raise, protect, and guide your children, who will shape their views of manhood and the world, and who will share your life for many years after your children are out on their own. That's a tall order. There's bound to be tons of good advice on Metafilter and elsewhere on how to meet men, and specifically how to meet nice, family-oriented men. I don't really have anything to add as far as that goes, but I do urge you to stay focused. If a guy says he doesn't want kids, or that he maybe wants kids someday but he hasn't made up his mind, pay him the compliment of believing him, and direct your attention and energies elsewhere. He may be wonderful in every other respect, but he's not wonderful for you.
If you don't find Mr. Right in the next few years, then you'll have some tough choices to make. But you don't have to panic yet. Use the time you have!
posted by timeo danaos at 7:47 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
Since you're not wanting to be a single parent, your next step is finding the guy, and it may be time for you to take a more active role in finding someone who's in tune with your goals and your timeline. You're looking for the person who will help you raise, protect, and guide your children, who will shape their views of manhood and the world, and who will share your life for many years after your children are out on their own. That's a tall order. There's bound to be tons of good advice on Metafilter and elsewhere on how to meet men, and specifically how to meet nice, family-oriented men. I don't really have anything to add as far as that goes, but I do urge you to stay focused. If a guy says he doesn't want kids, or that he maybe wants kids someday but he hasn't made up his mind, pay him the compliment of believing him, and direct your attention and energies elsewhere. He may be wonderful in every other respect, but he's not wonderful for you.
If you don't find Mr. Right in the next few years, then you'll have some tough choices to make. But you don't have to panic yet. Use the time you have!
posted by timeo danaos at 7:47 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
Disclaimer: I'm currently in the same situation as you, but two years older. Of course adoption and so on are an option, but that isn't the point here.
I'm going to temper the 'you have lots of time' comments above. Without medical treatment, you have a limited number of years in which to bear a child. This isn't negotiable and medicine can only do so much. By the time you are old enough for this to be an 'issue', it is going to be too late. So here's a good time to firm up what you want long term: ideally a partner, preferably someone who wants kids, a work situation that will work with your home life. It takes time, and you're probably in for more baby fever, but I think the baby fever is just a natural reminder to us to get our ducks in a row if we want to have a family. You aren't imagining things. Loved the baby aspirin joke in the header, by the way.
Oh and I think it's okay to think about the 'just getting knocked up' option; somehow it feels productive to think about every possible solution immediately discard several of them ;)
posted by variella at 7:58 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm going to temper the 'you have lots of time' comments above. Without medical treatment, you have a limited number of years in which to bear a child. This isn't negotiable and medicine can only do so much. By the time you are old enough for this to be an 'issue', it is going to be too late. So here's a good time to firm up what you want long term: ideally a partner, preferably someone who wants kids, a work situation that will work with your home life. It takes time, and you're probably in for more baby fever, but I think the baby fever is just a natural reminder to us to get our ducks in a row if we want to have a family. You aren't imagining things. Loved the baby aspirin joke in the header, by the way.
Oh and I think it's okay to think about the 'just getting knocked up' option; somehow it feels productive to think about every possible solution immediately discard several of them ;)
posted by variella at 7:58 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
You have like, 10 years to have kids. Really. Yes, the fertility rates drop but with a bit of optimal planning and possibly some ART, you have LOADS of time. Think how different your life was 10 years ago from what it is today and it will probably be just as different in another decade.
FWIW at 29 I was living in London, working as a partner in a company, renting a flat and dating someone who I really loved but who was not in a position to have kids with me. Eight years later, I'm married, we moved to Ireland, I work as a freelancer, and we bought a house and have a dog. Very different life and one I could not have predicted.
Also possibly relevant: when I was dating my husband I made it crystal clear I wanted to have kids and if that wasn't on the cards for him, this was going nowhere. That was fine by him but as it turns out, we have fertility issues (un-related to age, I hasten to add). And much to my surprise, it turns out I'm 100% fine with just us.
I'm not being unrealistic about this; of the 40 or so women on the fertility board where I first started trying to get pregnant, I am the only one who did not end up with a baby. Everyone else got there, one way or another. But just so you know, something that was crucial to me even six years ago just isn't now. It could change for you too, but if it doesn't, the odds are very much in your favour.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:59 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
FWIW at 29 I was living in London, working as a partner in a company, renting a flat and dating someone who I really loved but who was not in a position to have kids with me. Eight years later, I'm married, we moved to Ireland, I work as a freelancer, and we bought a house and have a dog. Very different life and one I could not have predicted.
Also possibly relevant: when I was dating my husband I made it crystal clear I wanted to have kids and if that wasn't on the cards for him, this was going nowhere. That was fine by him but as it turns out, we have fertility issues (un-related to age, I hasten to add). And much to my surprise, it turns out I'm 100% fine with just us.
I'm not being unrealistic about this; of the 40 or so women on the fertility board where I first started trying to get pregnant, I am the only one who did not end up with a baby. Everyone else got there, one way or another. But just so you know, something that was crucial to me even six years ago just isn't now. It could change for you too, but if it doesn't, the odds are very much in your favour.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:59 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
You might be able to freeze your eggs in the next few years if you don't find the right person by then. I'm considering doing the same thing.
posted by pitseleh at 8:12 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by pitseleh at 8:12 PM on November 12, 2009 [2 favorites]
I acquired a new nephew this week, courtesy of FairytaleBIL and wife. He's adorable. They're adorable. They're also in their mid-40s.
I wouldn't sweat it. It's one-half hormones, which is depressing and shitty, and one-half societal bullshit. Do what makes you happy, be happy, and a happy kid (and marriage, if you want) will ensue.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:25 PM on November 12, 2009
I wouldn't sweat it. It's one-half hormones, which is depressing and shitty, and one-half societal bullshit. Do what makes you happy, be happy, and a happy kid (and marriage, if you want) will ensue.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:25 PM on November 12, 2009
Even having a solid relationship doesn't equate to baby. My wife and I were married ten years before she decided she wanted to go for a kid. If you count dating, that's 18 years of my life wondering if it was ever going to happen. Now, at 35, I finally have a rugrat. I spent YEARS wondering about this, agonizing about it, worrying about it. Having a kid was very important to me. My wife knew this. But she wasn't ready, and looking back I wasn't really ready either. Having a kid a little later in life is perfectly fine, and I honestly wouldn't have been able to do as much for our kid then as I can now.
You have time. Try to focus on what makes you happy now, and keep looking for that special someone for a little longer before you give up.
posted by caution live frogs at 8:50 PM on November 12, 2009
You have time. Try to focus on what makes you happy now, and keep looking for that special someone for a little longer before you give up.
posted by caution live frogs at 8:50 PM on November 12, 2009
I'm a man, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Taking your motivation as given, the first step should be to evaluate the many paths to motherhood that are presented to you. 29 is not old, but there are some major tasks remains on the road to your goal. The first, and perhaps the hardest one, is trying to find a suitable mate who you will be happy with. I suggest devoting more time and energy to dating and really investigate and evaluate your date for suitability. This may mean more short relationships, less time for work, and other sacrifices that previously you don't have to face. It may also mean you need to adjust your image, so that others know what you want and can help you reach your goal faster. If the current environment is not conducive for your need, find energy and courage to break into new environment. Most of the time, getting the right relationship is about knowing what you want, and being at the right place, the right time.
Regarding children, you will need to prepare for the task. Children represent a large commitment of time, finance and specialized knowledge. While none arrives yet, you can still prepare financially and learning the things needed when they arrive. Preparation will not only help you in the future, it may aid you immediately in evaluating your own choices and adjust your view accordingly.
So, in sum, while there are certain constrains that we all face, I think it definitely doable. Focus on your specific advantages and by continual application, a satisfactory result will come.
posted by curiousZ at 9:11 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Regarding children, you will need to prepare for the task. Children represent a large commitment of time, finance and specialized knowledge. While none arrives yet, you can still prepare financially and learning the things needed when they arrive. Preparation will not only help you in the future, it may aid you immediately in evaluating your own choices and adjust your view accordingly.
So, in sum, while there are certain constrains that we all face, I think it definitely doable. Focus on your specific advantages and by continual application, a satisfactory result will come.
posted by curiousZ at 9:11 PM on November 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
you are going at it ass backwards. having a baby is easy- have sex a lot and don't use birth control. you'll have one sooner or later. THEN WHAT?
what you REALLY want is a good relationship, with someone you love and are dedicated to, and has the same feelings for you- and you both want kids.
sure you can go the single mother route, but like they say, having a baby and being a PARENT are two different things.
don't under any circumstances 'accidentally' get pregnant by some un-knowing sperm donor one-nighter/boyfriend/buddyfriend. you are setting yourself, the man and the child up for what could be a lonely, contentious, growing up. sooner or later your're going to suffer trying to do it on your own and go after the guy (like my sister did)
if you are so driven by babies and kids- rent them, so to speak. do day-care, baby-sitting, nanny. try before you buy. maybe you are "great with kids" ... when you can hand them back to their mothers and fathers when it gets inconvienient, wearysome and difficult.
find a good relationship first. work that out. Then go preggers.
posted by karl88 at 11:45 PM on November 12, 2009
what you REALLY want is a good relationship, with someone you love and are dedicated to, and has the same feelings for you- and you both want kids.
sure you can go the single mother route, but like they say, having a baby and being a PARENT are two different things.
don't under any circumstances 'accidentally' get pregnant by some un-knowing sperm donor one-nighter/boyfriend/buddyfriend. you are setting yourself, the man and the child up for what could be a lonely, contentious, growing up. sooner or later your're going to suffer trying to do it on your own and go after the guy (like my sister did)
if you are so driven by babies and kids- rent them, so to speak. do day-care, baby-sitting, nanny. try before you buy. maybe you are "great with kids" ... when you can hand them back to their mothers and fathers when it gets inconvienient, wearysome and difficult.
find a good relationship first. work that out. Then go preggers.
posted by karl88 at 11:45 PM on November 12, 2009
Exactly the opposite of what DarlingBri said, is the truth. (I hate to contradict someone I'm so fond of.. .but there you go.)
She said "You have like, 10 years to have kids. Really. Yes, the fertility rates drop but with a bit of optimal planning and possibly some ART, you have LOADS of time. " This is what most women think... that it's not going to be a big deal if they're a bit older when they decide to procreate as IVF and the associated technologies will be able to help.
Fertility doctors consistently lament this kind of thinking being espoused as it's simply not true for large amounts of women and they just won't know if they have fertility issues untill they try to conceive. Then it's too late.
As a veteran of the IVF caper, who started at 35... I can tell you that LOTS of women have "old eggs" much earlier than expected. You certainly have a few years under your belt to play with... but DarlingBri is absolutely and completely and utterly wrong. IVF will not solve the problem of "old eggs". Donor eggs would, of course. Then you could be 65 and get pregnant.
DarlingBri's misconceptions about maternal age and fertility are so prevalent that there are public service advertisements about this in Australia from time to time.
So.... your take home message is that you really have about 4-5 years... and when you're young, that's ages. So, don't fret, but don't get complacent. Good luck.
posted by taff at 1:00 AM on November 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
She said "You have like, 10 years to have kids. Really. Yes, the fertility rates drop but with a bit of optimal planning and possibly some ART, you have LOADS of time. " This is what most women think... that it's not going to be a big deal if they're a bit older when they decide to procreate as IVF and the associated technologies will be able to help.
Fertility doctors consistently lament this kind of thinking being espoused as it's simply not true for large amounts of women and they just won't know if they have fertility issues untill they try to conceive. Then it's too late.
As a veteran of the IVF caper, who started at 35... I can tell you that LOTS of women have "old eggs" much earlier than expected. You certainly have a few years under your belt to play with... but DarlingBri is absolutely and completely and utterly wrong. IVF will not solve the problem of "old eggs". Donor eggs would, of course. Then you could be 65 and get pregnant.
DarlingBri's misconceptions about maternal age and fertility are so prevalent that there are public service advertisements about this in Australia from time to time.
So.... your take home message is that you really have about 4-5 years... and when you're young, that's ages. So, don't fret, but don't get complacent. Good luck.
posted by taff at 1:00 AM on November 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
I can't MeMail you, since this is anonymous, but I totally, totally sympathize on a gut level. I'm 28 and my biological TIME BOMB has been ticking for ten years. I've gone through periods of time when I've literally wept when I think about possibly not having a baby. I really, truly know what you're going through.
I don't have any answers, but if you'd like to commiserate, feel free to get in touch (email's in my profile).
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:27 AM on November 13, 2009
I don't have any answers, but if you'd like to commiserate, feel free to get in touch (email's in my profile).
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:27 AM on November 13, 2009
(I've totally, totally considered asking this question myself many, many times. The conclusion I've reached is that there are no easy answers - as evidenced by the differing opinions on time/IVF/etc.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:28 AM on November 13, 2009
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:28 AM on November 13, 2009
When I was 28 I had broken things off with my fiance and felt the same way you do. At 30, we were married and I was pregnant with the first of our now four kids. On the other hand, I have two sets of friends who are married and have been facing the prospect of childlessness. One recently adopted after years of trying, the others married late and have been going through fertility treatments, which aren't looking too positive. The point is that you have no idea what will happen. You may meet The One tomorrow and have eight kids with him, you may meet him and never be able to have kids, you may never meet him.
You certainly can have and raise kids on your own, but everyone is right that it is HARD. Even with a partner, it's hard. Deliberately getting knocked up with some random guy is unethical, immoral, and practically problematic, but there are certainly ways to become a single mom without taking advantage of anyone. However, you should absolutely not do that unless you have a solid support structure in place.
My suggestion is to try to turn your attention to other things and let what happens happen. For many people, the desire for kids is connected with the desire to make a mark on the world. Charity work (maybe with a children's cause) might be a good focus for your attention, and may very well be a great way to meet like minded men. Maybe you'll find fulfillment in improving the lives of other people's kids if it doesn't happen for you. If not, it gives you some time to build a home and support structure with an eye toward single motherhood.
posted by Dojie at 7:16 AM on November 13, 2009
You certainly can have and raise kids on your own, but everyone is right that it is HARD. Even with a partner, it's hard. Deliberately getting knocked up with some random guy is unethical, immoral, and practically problematic, but there are certainly ways to become a single mom without taking advantage of anyone. However, you should absolutely not do that unless you have a solid support structure in place.
My suggestion is to try to turn your attention to other things and let what happens happen. For many people, the desire for kids is connected with the desire to make a mark on the world. Charity work (maybe with a children's cause) might be a good focus for your attention, and may very well be a great way to meet like minded men. Maybe you'll find fulfillment in improving the lives of other people's kids if it doesn't happen for you. If not, it gives you some time to build a home and support structure with an eye toward single motherhood.
posted by Dojie at 7:16 AM on November 13, 2009
But taff has it right: you are on a deadline.
They're right. I read that there are studies now that even say 24 is the best time for gestation and uncomplicated pregnancies. I don't have the details or anything, and I'm not a scientist, so I'd probably look into this more and figure out if you would still want to go through with it. However, my mother had me at an older age, but she didn't talk about complications or stuff like that.
A work friend was trying to get pregnant using IVF (which is insanely expensive) and had a few failed cycles. She and her husband asked her parents for the money for it. She's 34. She had a baby, but pregnancy induced some kind of disease, and the kid has a heart condition, which I guess is common for kids created using IVF (there was a NY Times article on this).
So, the moral of the story is that you should probably learn more about the downsides of pregnancy and having a baby, and decide if that's what you want to deal with all by yourself or with a partner who isn't necessarily in love with you.
Also, have you spoken to your mom or a grandmother or female relative you trust and who loves you about this? Your mom might be overjoyed to help you raise a kid (maybe help choose the donor and donor sperm), so you won't be totally alone.
posted by anniecat at 7:18 AM on November 13, 2009
They're right. I read that there are studies now that even say 24 is the best time for gestation and uncomplicated pregnancies. I don't have the details or anything, and I'm not a scientist, so I'd probably look into this more and figure out if you would still want to go through with it. However, my mother had me at an older age, but she didn't talk about complications or stuff like that.
A work friend was trying to get pregnant using IVF (which is insanely expensive) and had a few failed cycles. She and her husband asked her parents for the money for it. She's 34. She had a baby, but pregnancy induced some kind of disease, and the kid has a heart condition, which I guess is common for kids created using IVF (there was a NY Times article on this).
So, the moral of the story is that you should probably learn more about the downsides of pregnancy and having a baby, and decide if that's what you want to deal with all by yourself or with a partner who isn't necessarily in love with you.
Also, have you spoken to your mom or a grandmother or female relative you trust and who loves you about this? Your mom might be overjoyed to help you raise a kid (maybe help choose the donor and donor sperm), so you won't be totally alone.
posted by anniecat at 7:18 AM on November 13, 2009
Well if you're curious about your time factor, go have a blood test that tells you at least your hormone levels. I had to when I went through ART and it said "well you're not old but it's starting to fall". I was 37 when I had my son. Sure I needed Clomid + trigger + IUI (2ce) to get him but it worked. Don't let stats tell you that 100% you're old. Science is out there and quite frankly, you could be 19 with major infertility issues that are undiscovered or your partner can. I get the clock ticking. It was a huge factor for me. But I will say I had zero clue how hard raising a baby is. My relationship is on the brink of divorce after 10 months of having a baby and trust me, doing it alone scares me a bit. But in reality? I work 8+hours, we have a nanny, I see my son 2 hours, I will always have to work and I do all the errands, housework, etc. on top of it. My life won't be THAT much different without a partner. But the emotional side of having a partner will hurt---sharing the joys, when the kid is sick someone to lean on, etc. That is going to hurt and that's what's going to be more difficult than "hey can you hand me xyz. Oh wait, there is no one here to help me do this task."
Good luck.
posted by stormpooper at 7:50 AM on November 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Good luck.
posted by stormpooper at 7:50 AM on November 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
One possible way to speed things up is to aim for older guys. Everybody's different, but guys can be on a life timer themselves. Even if their ingredients remain productive for longer, there's still the reality of "am I ever going to have a family?" It's a significant identity/life path thing. It's easy to ignore this in your 20s because you feel like you've got all the time in the world. By mid 30s though, you're thinking that the women near your age, which is typically the people you date, are nearing the end of their fertility. You start looking to younger ones who still have time for dating, courting, engagement, some padding, and then some years of good fertility left. You've sown your oats, done your own thing for long enough, you're established, and now you're actually ready in a way you hadn't predicted before. Again, everybody's different, and there are fewer guys in that range still available, but try shopping for some guys in that range and see if you find some who are more focused about what they want and eager to get down to business starting a family life.
posted by kookoobirdz at 7:59 AM on November 13, 2009
posted by kookoobirdz at 7:59 AM on November 13, 2009
You need an action plan.
Seriously. You need to sit down and write it out. Goals. What year you want to get married. What year after that you want to start a family. That will help.
Second, you need to make dating a project and not just wait for it to happen by being "on the dating scene". Write an online personal for a reputable site and make it very clear that you are looking for a serious LTR with an aim towards starting a family in the next few years. There are more guys than you think who also want to settle down and start a family. You're not going to find them by hoping that you will, and you don't want to be out there waving the BABY flag. But in an online ad, you can wave the baby flag. I know, we all want love to find us and Cupid's arrows to just happen. And you can do that if you have time. But you have a specific goal and you have a specific timeframe. You're smart, you're capable - put together an action plan. You're all going to tell me that this isn't possible but plenty of people do it and are thoroughly happy. Yep, you'll have to kiss some frogs. But it's only through the frog kissing that you will end up getting the baby.
If you have any cash, you could also consider a professional matchmaker. They exist. They work.
This is certainly a better plan than just getting pregnant by some bozo. Because you will then have to deal with that bozo FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If anyone here tries to tell you that you won't, they are wrong.
posted by micawber at 8:30 AM on November 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Seriously. You need to sit down and write it out. Goals. What year you want to get married. What year after that you want to start a family. That will help.
Second, you need to make dating a project and not just wait for it to happen by being "on the dating scene". Write an online personal for a reputable site and make it very clear that you are looking for a serious LTR with an aim towards starting a family in the next few years. There are more guys than you think who also want to settle down and start a family. You're not going to find them by hoping that you will, and you don't want to be out there waving the BABY flag. But in an online ad, you can wave the baby flag. I know, we all want love to find us and Cupid's arrows to just happen. And you can do that if you have time. But you have a specific goal and you have a specific timeframe. You're smart, you're capable - put together an action plan. You're all going to tell me that this isn't possible but plenty of people do it and are thoroughly happy. Yep, you'll have to kiss some frogs. But it's only through the frog kissing that you will end up getting the baby.
If you have any cash, you could also consider a professional matchmaker. They exist. They work.
This is certainly a better plan than just getting pregnant by some bozo. Because you will then have to deal with that bozo FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If anyone here tries to tell you that you won't, they are wrong.
posted by micawber at 8:30 AM on November 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
There were a few comments in this thread that talked about how it comes in waves and I found them to be such a relief. There have been times in the last few years where I finally understood that "ticking biological clock" stuff that I had previously chalked up to sitcom nonsense. I would be totally baby crazy for awhile and I would feel desperately sad that I didn't see one coming anytime soon. And then it would taper off again and I'd feel much better about the waiting-and-seeing I'm doing now. Knowing that it comes and goes made me feel much better.
Next time it happens, if I can't get my head wrapped around it, I'm going to finally read Taking Charge of Your Fertility just so I feel like I'm informed. I think letting myself think about it and learning more about how my body works will help.
posted by juliplease at 9:34 AM on November 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Next time it happens, if I can't get my head wrapped around it, I'm going to finally read Taking Charge of Your Fertility just so I feel like I'm informed. I think letting myself think about it and learning more about how my body works will help.
posted by juliplease at 9:34 AM on November 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Thanks for asking this. I am going to be 28 next month and I totally get what you mean. I'm like, OMG, I only have about 10 years left to make this happen! And I'm in a LTR that I feel really good about, but he isn't ready yet. Feel free to get in touch with too. I definitely freak out about the strange split between biological urge/timeline and then the reality of actually being able to pull it off.
posted by Rocket26 at 9:46 AM on November 13, 2009
posted by Rocket26 at 9:46 AM on November 13, 2009
I'm 32 and was downright despondent when I realized around 28 that the "ticking biological clock" really is a thing, and not just some obnoxious cultural cliche. That said, while I have my moments of wanting a baby or worrying that it won't ever happen, most of the time that is quickly followed by the thought that I don't actually want a baby right now (or 9 months from right now), but rather before age-related fertiility issues come into play, which, based on the evidence, is about 3 years away when I hit 35, and even then, is still quite possible and only becomes exponentially harder and improbable when I turn 40. In those moments of wanting a baby, try thinking about the reality of having a baby-the cost, the time commitment, the fact that your life would belong to someone else entirely who will not be able to help you with much of anything until many years to come.
For example, that time you and your girlfriend jumped in a car and went on a spontaneous road trip? Not going to happen. The $40+ dinner and a movie night just became $80+ because you have to pay a babysitter. Being able to have a full 8 hours of sleep whenever you need it? Well, that becomes grabbing naps when you can, and sleeping for only a few hours at a time, as your opportunity to sleep revolves around a baby's need to be fed, changed, and comforted. You're sick as a dog and just want to hide in bed for the day? That's a nice dream, but you need to push past the illness and take care of this helpless being instead. I think being a parent means it's worth all of that and more, even when it's a struggle, but you need to be in a place that you can do this with an open heart and under the best conditions possible. I'm not in that place yet, and I suspect you probably aren't either.
I will admit I am annoyed that I can't be leisurely about this in the same way as my male counterparts because while I have no problem with the idea of letting things unfold naturally and taking as much time as I want to get married and have kids, I have a very real biological age-dependent issue that factors in no matter how much I wished it didn't. That said, I am not panicking, and at 29, you really shouldn't either. A hell of a lot can happen in 6-10 years, and in fact, a lot can happen in a mere few months, so try not to focus too much on the timing of this. I also have eased my worries by realizing that while I may never be pregnant, that does not mean I won't have a family. Adoption and foster care are very real options for me, and while I find the idea of experiencing pregnancy and having biological off-spring very appealing, mostly I want to have a family consisting of people I love and support through life's twist and turns as their world and place in it takes shape. Fortunately, that is possible at any age, biological clocks be damned! I hope this helps.
posted by katemcd at 10:05 AM on November 13, 2009
For example, that time you and your girlfriend jumped in a car and went on a spontaneous road trip? Not going to happen. The $40+ dinner and a movie night just became $80+ because you have to pay a babysitter. Being able to have a full 8 hours of sleep whenever you need it? Well, that becomes grabbing naps when you can, and sleeping for only a few hours at a time, as your opportunity to sleep revolves around a baby's need to be fed, changed, and comforted. You're sick as a dog and just want to hide in bed for the day? That's a nice dream, but you need to push past the illness and take care of this helpless being instead. I think being a parent means it's worth all of that and more, even when it's a struggle, but you need to be in a place that you can do this with an open heart and under the best conditions possible. I'm not in that place yet, and I suspect you probably aren't either.
I will admit I am annoyed that I can't be leisurely about this in the same way as my male counterparts because while I have no problem with the idea of letting things unfold naturally and taking as much time as I want to get married and have kids, I have a very real biological age-dependent issue that factors in no matter how much I wished it didn't. That said, I am not panicking, and at 29, you really shouldn't either. A hell of a lot can happen in 6-10 years, and in fact, a lot can happen in a mere few months, so try not to focus too much on the timing of this. I also have eased my worries by realizing that while I may never be pregnant, that does not mean I won't have a family. Adoption and foster care are very real options for me, and while I find the idea of experiencing pregnancy and having biological off-spring very appealing, mostly I want to have a family consisting of people I love and support through life's twist and turns as their world and place in it takes shape. Fortunately, that is possible at any age, biological clocks be damned! I hope this helps.
posted by katemcd at 10:05 AM on November 13, 2009
When you find the right guy, getting married can happen alarmingly fast, and so can getting pregnant (assuming no medical issues). Your life can change very quickly.
Also, a glance at my Facebook page shows that I have tons of friends in their mid-to-late 30s who are either pregnant or gave birth in the last 12 months. Okay, that's anecdotal evidence, but I mean to counteract the women who are telling you to "get knocked up now." While the data does show a decline in fertility at this age (6-10 years older than you!), it certainly doesn't mean that everyone is having problems. A decline doesn't equate to "can't happen." A friend of mine who is undergoing fertility treatment has had that problem, and known about it, since her early twenties. Another anecdote, I know... but what I am saying is that not all infertility is caused by advanced age, some of it is medical, and when we are given the data, we are not shown what percentage of the infertile women over 35 "waited too long" and what percentage were already having problems. The data can be misleading.
So put off the thoughts of sperm donors, baby daddies, and adoption for a few more years. Give yourself some more time to find a nice partner. And here's some unsolicited advice: choose someone who is looking for a wife and who would make a kind, involved father. You probably already know this, but I'm putting it here for posterity, because I've seen too many women pass over too many nice guys who would make great husbands.
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:11 PM on November 13, 2009
Also, a glance at my Facebook page shows that I have tons of friends in their mid-to-late 30s who are either pregnant or gave birth in the last 12 months. Okay, that's anecdotal evidence, but I mean to counteract the women who are telling you to "get knocked up now." While the data does show a decline in fertility at this age (6-10 years older than you!), it certainly doesn't mean that everyone is having problems. A decline doesn't equate to "can't happen." A friend of mine who is undergoing fertility treatment has had that problem, and known about it, since her early twenties. Another anecdote, I know... but what I am saying is that not all infertility is caused by advanced age, some of it is medical, and when we are given the data, we are not shown what percentage of the infertile women over 35 "waited too long" and what percentage were already having problems. The data can be misleading.
So put off the thoughts of sperm donors, baby daddies, and adoption for a few more years. Give yourself some more time to find a nice partner. And here's some unsolicited advice: choose someone who is looking for a wife and who would make a kind, involved father. You probably already know this, but I'm putting it here for posterity, because I've seen too many women pass over too many nice guys who would make great husbands.
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:11 PM on November 13, 2009
One more thing, just a comment about getting pregnant by someone you are dating. If you choose to go this route, be sure it is someone whose family you want to have in your life for the rest of your life. Chances are, whether he wants to be involved with the kid or not, he is going to have family members who want to be involved. You will be making trips to take your kid to see grandparents who (at first) mean nothing to you, and you will be letting them come to your home many times over the years. This could be wonderful and enriching for you both, or it could be a can of worms. Choose carefully.
You sound like a person with a really good head on your shoulders, though.
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:35 PM on November 13, 2009
You sound like a person with a really good head on your shoulders, though.
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:35 PM on November 13, 2009
we are not shown what percentage of the infertile women over 35 "waited too long" and what percentage were already having problems. The data can be misleading.
This is true but fertility is not the only issue. The incidence of serious birth defects also starts climbing rapidly and, of course, being a parent is rather physically and emotionally demanding. It's a lot easier to deal with a 10 year old at 40 than at 55.
posted by Justinian at 12:56 PM on November 13, 2009
This is true but fertility is not the only issue. The incidence of serious birth defects also starts climbing rapidly and, of course, being a parent is rather physically and emotionally demanding. It's a lot easier to deal with a 10 year old at 40 than at 55.
posted by Justinian at 12:56 PM on November 13, 2009
I agree, Justinian, I think age is a factor in having the energy to parent. Or maybe it's how well you age. ; )
Also, I am sorry that I am posting way too much on this thread, but I wanted to make a suggestion to the OP. Maybe you would feel better if you talked to your doctor or GYN about this question. She will have your medical history in front of her, and she will also be able to give you an idea about whether she is seeing or referring lots of women in their 30s with healthy pregnancies. Not a guarantee, but just some reassurance.
posted by Knowyournuts at 1:07 PM on November 13, 2009
Also, I am sorry that I am posting way too much on this thread, but I wanted to make a suggestion to the OP. Maybe you would feel better if you talked to your doctor or GYN about this question. She will have your medical history in front of her, and she will also be able to give you an idea about whether she is seeing or referring lots of women in their 30s with healthy pregnancies. Not a guarantee, but just some reassurance.
posted by Knowyournuts at 1:07 PM on November 13, 2009
"Everyone keeps telling me how great I am with kids, and when am I going to have my own"
Respond by asking these people to set you up with any single men they know who would make good potential husbands/fathers.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:37 PM on November 14, 2009
Respond by asking these people to set you up with any single men they know who would make good potential husbands/fathers.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:37 PM on November 14, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
No no no way. Even if you get married and knocked up, pretty awful things can happen in a relationship that would change everything.
Everyone keeps telling me how great I am with kids, and when am I going to have my own...
People say this sort of thing all the time. They don't even really mean it, it's just something you say.
To compound matters, a striking number of adult, childless females in my life keep telling me that I should just get knocked up by whatever guy I'm with. These are strong, beautiful women with great minds, careers, lives... yet they say this with almost a desperation in their eyes that, as you can imagine, does not help that dread.
They don't know anything about being a parent. They just think it would solve all their emotional emptiness.
Just wait. Do you go to a church, temple, or anything like that? Maybe you can meet a nice family man type there.
posted by anniecat at 6:12 PM on November 12, 2009