I think he thinks the baby will know.....

April 3, 2006 7:08 PM

Frequency of sex as relates to men and women, with pregnancy added as a twist. There is, of course....

I'm female, in my mid-30's. My husband and I have been together for about 15 years. He has always had a low sex drive, which is something it took me a long time to get used to. At our "peak" we were having sex about once a week. Over time, that has dwindled to about once a month, and its not unusual for it to be more like once every six weeks.

However, when we do have sex, its almost always amazing. He's a talented and attentive lover, just (for whatever reason) his interest in sex is very low. I think its partly from growing up in a very conservative, Catholic household (he can't have a conversation about this "problem" - he gets way too embarassed), and partly its just physical. He can't, for example, ejaculate more than once in about a 72 hour period, no matter how much he may want to or what techniques we use to try and achieve this. It just seems to be the way he's put together. It took a long time for me to understand that his apparent "disinterest" in sex had nothing to do with me personally -- but I now believe that this is true. We are deeply in love, and our relationship is otherwise solid and stable.

However, I'm now about six months pregnant, and he hasn't touched me a shade over three months. Whenever I try to initiate sex, he has some reason why we can't. A month ago it was that he thought he was coming down with a cold and didn't want to get me sick. A couple weeks ago his excuse was that he had ejaculated during a dream the night before and he thought it would end up just being frustrating for me since he couldn't climax. Two nights ago it was a sudden headache. I'm starting to believe that he thinks its "weird" for us to have sex while I'm pregnant. But trying to talk with him about sex is almost impossible. He gets completely embarassed (blushing, sweating, etc.) and its clear that me trying to start this conversation with him is so uncomfortable for him that its almost physically painful. Its tough for me to put him through that, and always ends up frustrating to me if I do push through, since he won't say anything and we'll end up with me talking and talking and finally trying anything to get a response. Its an unhealthy dynamic.

And now that I write this, I'm not sure what my question is. What I think I'm asking is this:

Men: Do you think I'm right -- do you think he's kind of weirded out by having sexual contact with me while there is this baby inside me? Was it more difficult for you to have sex with your pregnant partner? Was there some mental barrier you needed to get over?

Women: Does anyone else out there on the internet have a partner with this problem? How do you cope - not physically (I'm all good with taking care of myself in that way), but in mssing the emotional closeness that lovemaking brings?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (31 answers total)

If he's got a working tongue, he can use it.

Less flippantly - I've never had your problem, but it sounds like something you really, really need to discuss. Even if he's embarassed - it's frustrating you enough to turn to a website and request information from strangers. You can take it slow, but I think you really need to talk about how to be intimate in ways that don't necessarily involve him (or you!) climaxing. There are almost certainly dozens of books out there that can give you techniques for sharing your feelings about this. And if talking is a big block for him, what about keeping a diary where you write to each other in it?

Would he be okay with naked snuggling? Massage? (CAREFUL massage, what with your pregnancy.) Bodypainting, with paint or latex or chocolate? Perhaps, if you're into it, you could start exploring bondage play - there's a very deep, intimate connection between sub and dom, there, that doesn't have to be sexual.
posted by kalimac at 7:41 PM on April 3, 2006

Surely he understands that it is possible to have intimate contact that doesn't involve ejaculation. Also, his unwillingness to talk about it at all is a HUGE red flag. Your partner is the only one that can clue you in on why he seems to be uncomfortable with sex right now. You simply must find a way to get him to communicate.
posted by chiababe at 7:43 PM on April 3, 2006

I must admit I got weird about having sex during the last 2-3 months of pregnancy. For the first few months it was great but once the fetus had grown to a fairly major size, it was kind of hard not to think I might hurt it or cause an early labor from an orgasm. So we didn't really fool around the last couple months and it did frustrate my wife, but we talked about it and I was open with her (she thought I was crazy).
posted by mathowie at 8:08 PM on April 3, 2006

Read the vast collection of preggy books in your public library - you'll find that the more open ones say being weirded out is pretty common. There are lots of possible reasons, ranging from worrying about hurting your baby, to having mentally put you in the "pure" category, to (and I hate to say this, don't blame me, I never felt like this) finding you less attractive.

Sheila Kitzinger's books cover these issues and have suggestions for the physical side of it (positions, approaches, blah blah).

Personally I never had much of a problem with my partner's pregnancy - in fact in some ways it was oddly stimulating - but I have an active libido anyway.

There are for sure things that might be a good compromise - let him spoon you while you get yourself off, or whatever - but I cannot think how you can get traction without having The Talk. Several of them, even. I don't really think your pregnancy is the problem here, except inasmuch as it's bringing things to a head. The problem is that you can't discuss these issues.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:10 PM on April 3, 2006

He is probably weirded out by it. But you can never know unless he talks to you.

Listen to me.

You MUST get him to open up on this. It is obviously a painful subject for him. Maybe his is dying to tell you stuff but is just incapable of it, for whatever reason.

It'll probably take a long time, and be difficult for both of you. But you need to start the process of getting him to open up on sex. You two sound like you have a great relationship, one that's worth working on. You need to slowly start talking about sex with him. It's essential.

This will probably involve therapy for both of you at some point, but i don't think suggesting it will be productive right now.

Seriously. It's important. Talk to him about it, slowly, gradually, but surely. It's essential, or this issue will become a problem.
posted by lemur at 8:12 PM on April 3, 2006

Yes, I found sex with a pregnant partner a tiny bit unusual at first. Someone less sex-positive and less enthusiastic might perceive that small oddness I encountered as a considerably larger issue to get their head around, so that may very well be a contributing factor as you suggest. It's probably not the largest one, based on what you describe. It sounds like he might have some pretty vicious sexual hangups to begin with, and your pregnancy is just one more thing for him to be troubled about.

Unfortunately, I'm constitutionally incapable of understanding the thought processes of people with low libidos, so I can't offer personal insight into what he might be going through. The only suggestion I have is to find some way to make your physical and emotional needs clear to him. He doesn't have the right to clam up and act embarrassed when you start talking about what you want -- and a healthy adult shouldn't treat a spouse's needs the way he does.
posted by majick at 8:24 PM on April 3, 2006

"You MUST get him to open up on this."

Well yeah, if getting laid soon is that important. But it could be a rational decision to leave the stress of thrashing out your sex life until later. Being pregnant is not a permanent condition.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:39 PM on April 3, 2006

Hey if he doesn't want to have sex with you, I will ;-) I think preganat women are the most beautiful and womanly embodiment of womanhood there is. I have a 5 month old and we had great sex as the preganacy went farther. Not like fetish style, but I think its just beautiful.

Sounds like he has a lot of issues with this. Beyond the pregnancy. The longer you let this go in your life the worse a problem it will be when you finally address it.

Unfortunately the focus is about to change in three months, so your bad sex life will get worse, but let me tell you there is nothing like that sweet baby smiling at you at about 4 months. Nothing else will matter.
posted by Chuck Cheeze at 9:05 PM on April 3, 2006

A couple weeks ago his excuse was that he had ejaculated during a dream the night before and he thought it would end up just being frustrating for me since he couldn't climax.

OK, for real, what is UP with this? Do women EVER say this? Excuse city, baby.
posted by tristeza at 9:22 PM on April 3, 2006

I don't think he thinks the baby will know...I think there is something seriously up with him and his sexual issues. Issues that need to be addressed at some point - whether you want to do that now during the pregnancy or not is up to you. But can you see this situation actually getting better?

I don't know you or your husband or the details of your relationship, so I don't think it's right to speculate about what's going on with him, but a man not wanting to get it on and freaking out about even discussing it....eek. Ejaculation excuses sound just like excuses - he has eight fingers, two thumbs, and a tongue - he should be pampering you while you're pregnant!
posted by meerkatty at 9:38 PM on April 3, 2006

Savage Love addressed this (scroll down to 2nd question). Reader responses and Dan's answers are worth reading too, if only for the phrase "spoogin'-on-junior".
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 9:52 PM on April 3, 2006

I'd be weirded out. Hell, we're just trying for a family and I'm weirded out. This probably sounds strange, but there's something perturbingly "biological" about the whole pregnancy thing. It goes from "Woohoo! Pussy!" to being like studying one of those cross-sectional diagrams of fallopian tubes and ovaries in medical texts.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:44 PM on April 3, 2006

Sounds like the big problem is communication. If he finds it so hard to talk about sex, ask him to write you a letter explaining everything. It's not perfect, but it at least avoids the difficult situation where he has to talk about everything face to face.
posted by number9dream at 10:53 PM on April 3, 2006

Some guys are totally down with pregnant sex but it weirds me out. That and there's the (unjustified but still there) fear of harming the baby.
posted by fenriq at 11:21 PM on April 3, 2006

He may need testosterone shots or may be gay. Try to start off the evening with some porn, that usually gets things going.
posted by semmi at 11:31 PM on April 3, 2006

Yes, I think it's quite over the top and wrong to say that someone has something "seriously up" because they don't want to have sex with an obviously pregnant partner. Some guys are into it, some are not. It's not unusual to not be into it.

A total lack of physical contact, on the other hand, would be quite weird.
posted by Justinian at 11:32 PM on April 3, 2006

Well yeah, if getting laid soon is that important. But it could be a rational decision to leave the stress of thrashing out your sex life until later. Being pregnant is not a permanent condition.

She didn't seem too happy with her sex life before she was pregnant. I don't think pregnancy is the underlying cause of this poor woman's frustration - rather, it's lack of communication from her husband about their sex life. It's impossible to solve the no sex during pregnancy problem without first getting the man to open up. But I agree that it should be done with great care, because it is obviously a very sensitive subject to him.
posted by lemur at 11:34 PM on April 3, 2006

semmi - What the hell? Low sex drive = might be gay?

Has it ever crossed your mind that different people might simply have different sex drives?
posted by vernondalhart at 12:00 AM on April 4, 2006

Would he be okay with naked snuggling? Massage? (CAREFUL massage, what with your pregnancy.) Bodypainting, with paint or latex or chocolate? Perhaps, if you're into it, you could start exploring bondage play - there's a very deep, intimate connection between sub and dom, there, that doesn't have to be sexual.

I have to say that this advice seems entirely inappropriate, given how sensitive and reluctant he is do deal with even the most mundane sort of sex. Hold off on the bondage and latex paint until you've crossed the twice-a-week mark, at the very least. Goodness.

I think you should deal with it, at the latest, soon after the baby comes, and earlier if it's already causing you distress. (Maybe he'll go back to 'normal' after your pregnancy is over, and maybe not; either way, 'normal' still sounds emotionally suboptimal for both of you.) Does he know that lovemaking = emotional closeness for you, and that you're missing something that you consider to be central to your relationship?

It seems that he finds the whole issue of sex to be incredibly threatening, so you'll have to be careful that there's no way - no way at all, rational or not - that he could construe your initiating a discussion as an indictment of himself (which he probably already does, anyway: I would imagine he feels Catholic guilt and guilt about not satisfying your needs, and the general expectations our culture has of men, in equal amounts). I would focus 'The Talk' on 1) how he already excells at fulfilling your emotional needs when you do have sex - flatter him - and 2) how you have additional emotional needs that only he can take care of. I think the best approach, given how stressful this is for him already, is to treat sex as a purely emotional issue until he becomes much more comfortable with it. The last thing you want to do is compound his problems by making him feel any more pressure to perform; if that happens, he'll probably avoid sex even more, and have difficulty performing when he does try. Convince him that sex can and should be part of your already healthy and loving relationship.
posted by xanthippe at 12:43 AM on April 4, 2006

Pregnancy affected our sexual relationship adversely. That is to say our already decreasing frequency of sexual intimancy seemed to drop right off. Things (sexual) have not improved, but over a 15 year marriage we've become more able to talk about such delicate topics. Finally he's seen a doctor, he hopes that losing weight will increase his libido (as do I). I think it's years now, since we had sex. Also having teenagers in the house and separate bedrooms makes for a good excuse. And yes, we do have a close loving relationship.

So, I have no solutions for you, but I wanted you to know, you're not the only one. (Now there's two of us!)

The inability to discuss it might not only be the Catholic upbringing (my husband had a very liberal and open childhood) but the general cultural link of masculinity to a high sex drive - you know, common beliefs that all men think with their penis.

Oh, how do I cope? I consider the alternative - not being together. I'm very comfortable with our life - we spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company. We both have similar values and diverse enough interests that conversation is always interesting. I know there is no-one else who loves me unconditionally like he does, and I guess he knows that too. It's something, I regret to say, you can become used to, if everything else is good enough.
posted by b33j at 12:43 AM on April 4, 2006

Sure it was odd making love to my pregnant wife. I'm kind of a horny critter, though, so I could make my way past the oddness. I did make sure to learn enough about her inner topography to guarantee I wasn't poking junior in the head.

It made a difference to me that my wife encouraged it. Especially when she was two weeks late and read someplace that a compound in ejaculate could help, er, kickstart the endgame.

If I wasn't already on the "want frequent ambitious noisy sex" end of the spectrum before she got pregnant, which I was, I can certainly imagine how the huge changes in my partner (and the looming changes in my life, which are even more intimidating) might throw me off my game.

One suggestion for helping him through this: I bet he's shit scared of all the ramifications of what being a daddy means, especially if this is your first. That's way way more intimidating to most guys than the idea of putting your penis in a woman who's got a little person inside them.

I'd focus the talk therapy there before working over to the related but simpler question of "why don't you want to make love to me?"
posted by sacre_bleu at 3:52 AM on April 4, 2006

Try a letter. He can think it out and respond without feeling embarassed. Just get him to commit to writing one back.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:41 AM on April 4, 2006

The problem is that you can't discuss these issues. - i_am_joe's_spleen

Yeah, that's a larger problem than specfically that you aren't making love now, I think. Because other things will come in the way again (especially once you have that kid) and the only good way to resolve it is to be able to find out what bothering him, talk about what's bothering you , etc. You know, communicate. But then, there's no way to force someone to open up, and if you try (especially about something that so obviously makes them uncomfortable) you could do more harm than good. Have you tried explaining to him why you want to talk about it? (in 15 years, I'm guessing you've tried).

I think number9dream's suggestion of asking him to write you a letter is a good idea. Perhaps you'd get a little tiny bit of info from him about it. Maybe you could write a letter to him asking that he write you back? Expalin that you miss the emotional closeness you feel when you make love, and ask if he can find other ways to give you that - like naked cuddling or massage etc.

For the first part of my pregnancy, my husband was weirded out by sex with me. He was worried about hurting the baby and weirded out by the thought of her head right there. Once he went to the birthing class and had the nurse explain how it all fit together and that his sperm wouldn't penetrate the amniotic sac and that there was no risk from having sex, then he was reassured enough to try and we had wonderful (different!) sex. I'd told him that stuff before, but my word wasn't reassuring enough for him. He needed it from the medical authority. Is it possible that he's not sure about that stuff?
posted by raedyn at 7:42 AM on April 4, 2006

I know that this doesn't answer either of your questions, but have you thought about therapy? For him, for you, for the both of you as a couple? Sometimes it just helps to have someone objective to talk to about these things. And it might be less embarassing for him to talk to a therapist about these issues on his own (especially if there is some sort of deeper issue behind his lack of sex drive).
posted by echo0720 at 7:57 AM on April 4, 2006

Response by poster: Letters or therapy. Individual therapy for him--if he's still Catholic, perhaps there might be a more, er, liberal priest willing to do marriage counseling that might cover sex issues.

This reminds me of an awful, awful joke my friend told me: A father is waiting in the lobby while his wife gives birth. The nurse comes out and announces the child is born. The father rushes in and the doctor hands him the beautiful baby. Dad leans in closer and closer, wondering at the miracle of life before him--and then the kid grabs him by the collar, pokes him in the eye, and screams "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH?"
posted by Anonymous at 8:11 AM on April 4, 2006

semmi - What the hell? Low sex drive = might be gay? Has it ever crossed your mind that different people might simply have different sex drives?

vernondalhart: Wanting sex with your wife once in 6 weeks, who is complaining about it, is indicative of testosterone deficiency, another word for low sex drive, or a lack of interest in this or any woman, considering that there are million ways to make love without poking. It's clearly a lack of desire for one reason or another. Since Brokeback Mountain, or whatever it's called, there are literally clubs and support groups for loving wives with gay husbands.
posted by semmi at 8:13 AM on April 4, 2006

I know that it has been said before in this thread, but it is worth repeating.

You know that he is making excuses.... That means that he has something that he wishes he could tell you (or discuss with you) but is not comfortable doing it.

It is going to be tough, but if you want this resolved, you must find a way to get him to express that to you.
As for how....
posted by TheFeatheredMullet at 8:42 AM on April 4, 2006

Furthermore, vernondalhart, I'm not blaming the young man for his condition, only for his lack of at least a reasonable attempt to accommodate his partner's emotional and physical needs. I'm over 70 years old taking at least a half dozen medications with negative side effects on my libido, yet a week is the outside limit I can go without sexual intimacy and not suffer a sense of mental privation and physical breakdown. We're together for 28 years, and it probably helps that she is 22 years younger and very bright and beautiful. In a partnership both parties are expected to accommodate each others' needs, otherwise what's the point of being together?
posted by semmi at 12:45 PM on April 4, 2006

Similar to the responses upthread: email. When I have a problem discussing something with the mister I let him know that I can't talk about it right now. I'll let him know that I'll send him an email and give him a timeframe in which to expect it (usually within 24 hours). With an email I'm able to edit edit edit and really work over the subject in my mind. By the time he reads it I'm ready to discuss the subject face to face.
posted by deborah at 6:38 PM on April 4, 2006

... is indicative of testosterone deficiency, another word for low sex drive, or a lack of interest in this or any woman, considering that there are million ways to make love without poking. It's clearly a lack of desire for one reason or another. Since Brokeback Mountain, or whatever it's called, there are literally clubs and support groups for loving wives with gay husbands.


It's not clearly a lack of desire. Hell, it's not clearly anything, since we have pretty incomplete information. Sex drive does not equal testosterone. Lack of sex is not necessarily lack of intimacy. Unwillingness to have sex isn't necessarily a lack of desire.

The existence of such groups vastly predates Brokeback Mountain.

Anonymous: My guess is that his already-nervous self is even more weirded out because you're pregnant, and he's afraid of disappointing you. The "wet dream" excuse sounds like he has some performance anxiety about sex and talking about it. Are you intimate in non-sexual ways? Showering together? Sleeping naked? I find that these things very much help alleviate the disappointment of having gotten into a habit of not having enough sex.
posted by desuetude at 4:44 PM on April 5, 2006

While it's possible that anon's husband is gay, I don't think it's reasonable to assume that just because he's got a low sex drive he's neccesarily gay. How demeaning is that?

And JohnnyK, I think that entire comment was pretty rude and unhelpful.
posted by raedyn at 7:29 AM on April 11, 2006