She doesn't like my preferred birth control "policy". How to compromise?
January 29, 2012 7:16 PM Subscribe
BirthControlFilter: New couple discussing our options to have better sex while avoiding babies. We're having trouble compromising and could use some advice.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (89 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
Me: male, late 20s
Her: early 30s, female w/ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Neither of us want a baby anytime soon. She told me that she's never been pregnant, and with her condition it would be rather difficult for her to get pregnant even if she were actively trying.
We're having a lot of great sex over the past two months using a brand of condom that I enjoy and trust. That said, we both agree that we prefer the feeling without a condom, which we've experienced with previous partners. However, after a few hours of discussing the specifics we're at a stalemate over how to accomplish this.
I've always been a bit paranoid about getting someone pregnant, so I've historically lived by the approach of: "condoms, female birth control, pulling out -- choose 2 out of the 3". As the one producing the sperm, I feel like I have a responsibility about deciding where it should go (or not go, in this case). I know that "pulling out" is not the best birth control method, but I feel like when paired with another method it can only help, especially if that other method is "invisible" to me. I don't think that any of my partners have ever "tricked" me by failing to take their pill, but I know that accidents happen and schedules are missed, so I value being able to contribute a little extra protection, no matter how small.
She has been on various birth control pills in the past and claims that they make her feel wonky. She has offered to go back on the pill, as she'd accept the wonkiness in return for better sex. This sounded fine with me, and I reminded her that with my "2 out of 3" policy, and that I'd be continuing to pull out if we traded condom use for a female method. This made her upset -- she says she only wants to go on the pill if it means I'll ejaculate inside her, as she apparently enjoys the resulting "warm" feeling. The idea of doing that makes me very uncomfortable... it's a risk I do not feel comfortable taking, even though I know that the chances of pregnancy may be low.
We discussed IUDs and other forms of female contraception, but she still claims that she'd only want to use them if it meant I'd be willing to come inside of her. To me this means giving up a huge amount of "control", whether real or perceived.
We're prepared to revisit the issue at a later date, and keep using condoms and pulling out until then... but I'm curious to hear if anyone else has gone through a similar decision? Any idea for compromises that might work? Anecdata or real data welcome.
Of course, feel free to tell us that we're being irrational.