Pregnancy block?

March 20, 2009 11:47 AM

We agreed to start a family, but now there is no sex. Help!

My husband and I have been married for four years. In that time period, I've had two miscarriages (one from an unplanned pregnancy, one from a planned one). I've wanted children since before we got married, but my husband was neutral/on-the-fance -- or so I thought. When I first became pregnant--accidentally (yes, it really was an accident)--about 3 months after we got married, he was very stressed out by the news and blurted out that he did not want children at all. This, of course, caused all sorts of stress for both of us. I had a miscarriage after 8 weeks and was devastated and became depressed (and went on anti-depressants for about a year, on the advice of my doctor). It was a very difficult year that followed. We finally made a huge effort to work through our differences because we really love each other and wanted our marriage to survive--and I came to accept the fact that we BOTH had to be on the same page about children, and that it might never happen because of our differences of opinion. Things did finally stabilize and we returned to our normal, happier selves, and we both put the whole issue on a back burner, because we did not want to continue arguing about an issue that was deadlocked.

Fast forward a year-and-a-half. One day, my husband approaches me (this was completely unsolicited) and says that he is ready to have children and that he's given a lot of thought to this. I believe him, because he does not take such changes of heart lightly. Of course, I am totally overjoyed. We start "trying" that night. A few months later, I'm pregnant again, but this time, both of us are very excited. Unfortunately, I have another miscarriage around the same 8-week mark. This time, though, it was not as difficult or traumatic, because I have done a lot more reading and know that this is relatively common, and, importantly, I have the support of my husband. It was still tough, but we coped together as a team and that made it much easier than the first time.

Fast forward one year. Our sex life has gradually dwindled to almost nothing. It has been so gradual, even though I've noticed somewhat, I haven't been too concerned until 3 or 4 months ago. We are getting along fine, but my husband, inexplicably, has almost no sex drive whatsoever. When I try to playfully/sweetly/sexily initiate sex (hey, I've tried everything) he is either too tired, not feeling well, too preoccupied, too...you name it. Sometimes he'll just laugh good-naturedly and say nothing, and if I continue kissing/flirting/touching lightly etc., he'll brush me off (always with a friendly smile/chuckle) and say something cryptic like, oh, now, hey--and then turn his back to me and go to sleep. He NEVER initiates sex anymore. I don't know what to make of this. I'm really confused, but if I (very gently) try to talk about it, he just breezily says that he's been tired/preoccupied/busy lately (even when he hasn't been any of those things). The few times I've pressed for more information, he gets irritated. I love sex (just because it's fun, doesn't need to be a baby-making expedition, and I've never treated it as such, as I'm perfectly happy to engage in all sorts of sexual activity that couldn't possibly result in a pregnancy) and am really missing this element in our marriage. Is it possible that he really doesn't want children afte all, and is subconsciously trying to ensure (by having no sex, ever) that I can't possibly get pregnant again?

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Is there any possibility that he could have ED from a medical condition, or has he started taking a med that could have this side effect? He could simply be embarrassed about not being able to perform.
posted by kellyblah at 11:53 AM on March 20

We are getting along fine, but my husband, inexplicably, has almost no sex drive whatsoever.

That sounds like depression to me, rather than an avoidance of children. Are there other things going on that bother him?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:53 AM on March 20

Is it possible that he really doesn't want children afte all, and is subconsciously trying to ensure (by having no sex, ever) that I can't possibly get pregnant again?

Sure, it's possible. It's also possible that going through a couple of very emotional miscarriages with you, the person he loves, has turned him off to the activity that caused it to happen. Or there could be other reasons, it's very hard to tell without discussing it with him directly. Trying to guess on this would be pretty fruitless, I think. This is absolutely the thing that couples therapy is designed for, in my opinion.
posted by empyrean at 11:56 AM on March 20

It might be that the second miscarriage affected him more that he has told you or even knows himself. Maybe he's scared to go through another emotional roller coaster? If it's possible, you guys might want to try counseling.
posted by studentbaker at 11:56 AM on March 20

I think it could be likely that he doesn't want children and is deliberately trying to make sure that it doesn't happen.

Either that or he was more traumatized by the miscarriage than he lets on, and is afraid of trying again.

Couples counseling is probably a good bet for both of you, if he's not willing to talk about it at home. You both need to be on the same page, or at least understand each other's views and hopes regarding children.

Good luck.
posted by Verdandi at 11:56 AM on March 20 [1 favorite has favorites]

We start "trying" that night. A few months later, I'm pregnant again, but this time, both of us are very excited. Unfortunately, I have another miscarriage around the same 8-week mark. This time, though, it was not as difficult or traumatic, because I have done a lot more reading and know that this is relatively common, and, importantly, I have the support of my husband. It was still tough, but we coped together as a team and that made it much easier than the first time.

Have you talked to your husband about how he feels about the two earlier miscarriages? I had these during my marriage, and was unprepared for the (what seemed to me) delayed reaction that my husband had to them. I think it's hard for husbands to go through these miscarriage, not just from the disappointment, but from the feelings of helplessness that they create. It's not their body, they feel they need to be supportive to you, but their needs often get forgotten. I really think you should look into couple's counseling.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:06 PM on March 20 [1 favorite has favorites]

Is there any chance he's telling the truth? I notice that you dismiss his responses out-of-hand:"(even when he hasn't been any of those things)". I find that often, men say what they mean. This can be a difficult concept to grasp, but maybe that's the first step in understanding him.
posted by stubby phillips at 12:12 PM on March 20

You really need to talk to him about it.

Everything I've learned (which is maybe not a lot but still) leads me to believe that sex is a bellweather for a relationship, and sudden inexplicable changes in the nature/frequency of sex need to be figured out posthaste. Do not waste any time with this.

I (am a man, and) have never experienced my partner miscarrying, but it doesn't seems as simple to me as "I don't want children so I'm never having sex again." That just strikes me as an odd piece of logic. Depression resulting from the miscarriage, though, sure—that could definitely do it.

You gotta talk about it. Counseling should probably be on the table.
posted by pts at 12:14 PM on March 20 [2 favorites has favorites]

I agree with the counseling suggestion. I also wonder, though, if it's possible that there may be a a medical issue underlying his loss of libido, such as a side effect from a medication, or (less likely, but still not out of the realm of possibility) some underlying condition that's affecting his testosterone production?
posted by scody at 12:18 PM on March 20

Miscarriages are hard on men because they feel helpless to stop or ease the process and implicitly responsible for causing the pregnancy. Avoiding sex is common and understandable if this is the case, and it sounds like it is. There are books on coping with miscarriage, though couples therapy sounds like your best option. Please consider the dynamics of your marriage first and then its congruency to admit children--real individuals who deserve parents who both who want them--after you seek advice from a professional.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:20 PM on March 20

Like it has been said before, talk to him, but don't push the subject on him. Let him know that you care for him, but want to talk about it when he is ready. Be prepared to wait a while...
posted by tdreyer at 12:24 PM on March 20

I would share with him a few things about how this makes you feel, and then ask him what's going on. Some things I'm guessing are on your mind:

Fact: you are not having much sex lately.
This makes you concerned because:
-you like having sex with your husband. It's fun and a way to show each other that you love one another
-you are concerned about the health of your relationship with him
-you are concerned for his health, mental or otherwise that may be contributing to this
-you are worried (maybe) that he doesn't want to have children anymore, or there is something about your miscarriages is affecting your sex life.

Whatever the reason is, he probably feels bad about it. Not blaming him or making him feel guilty would be a goal of the discussion.

Then to two of you can discuss what you want for the future, and how you would like to get there. Make a commitment to re-evaluate the situation to see if your attempts work.
posted by Gor-ella at 12:50 PM on March 20

Could he be experiencing performance pressure? He wants to have a child because you want to have a child, but his body isn't so sure. Counseling?
posted by Carol Anne at 2:22 PM on March 20

I absolutely suggest couple's counseling. There are any number of reasons he may be pushing you away. They may or may not have anything to do with the miscarriages or attempts to get pregnant. Physical intimacy is an important part of marriage and if you take a wait and see approach, the distance between you might grow beyond the bedroom.
posted by shesbookish at 2:33 PM on March 20 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah, the not wanting sex thing could be signs of anything from a physical problem to stress to having an affair. You need to find out what's up.
posted by Maias at 5:49 PM on March 20

I really hate to bring this up, because I don't want to bring into your mind something that may not even be an issue, but could it be that he is having an affair? I only ask this because I have gone through being cheated on before, and when a man brushes away direct talk about a problem with sex....hmmmm....maybe I am just predispositioned to wonder about affairs since what occured with my own situation.
Just thought I'd bring it up. Yes, ask your husband and go to counseling to get help for the both of you.
posted by bananaskin at 2:45 PM on May 24