My dad sexually harrassed me a year ago. How do I cope?
May 7, 2021 11:41 PM Subscribe
This is probably beyond ask metafilter's paygrade but I need help. I cannot afford therapy and honestly it's more important for me to save up money so that I never end up being dependent on my parents again.
I grew up in a very strict, conservative and religious household. The kind where you do not leave until you get married. I was constantly monitored well into my twenties and they would expect me to come home as soon as I finished with college classes. They were abusive growing up as well and those are some of the many scars I have to deal with I guess. I'm really sorry about the erratic writing. I just have to get it all out. For reference, I'm currently in my mid/late twenties.
About a year ago, my dad comes into my room to ask me for help with something. I open the door and he tells me that he feels like he is in pain. He shows me his bulge underneath his clothes. I don't know how to react and at first I didn't really believe what I was seeing. A few years previous to this, I did notice him looking at me strangely and doing the elevator eyes to me once. Back then I wrote it off as nothing.
Immediately I think of a way to move out of home. I start getting boxes and slowly getting things from my room. I basically run out the house once they start to notice something wrong. I move into an apartment in the same city.
That was a year ago. My mom doesn't know about the harassment. My siblings don't know (although I have hinted at it.) I don't want my mom to ever find out, it would destroy her as she is mentally not in a good place. I don't know how to talk about it.
If this isn't infuriating enough, my dad still tells me that I better not marry anyone that he doesn't approve of. My parents tell me that my extended family better not find out about me moving out (it's so taboo and everyone will think I'm a whore) and they do not want me to tell anyone.
My mom is a little needy and she still wants me to come home every week or so. She really hates that I'm not married yet and tries to guilt trip me all the time. My parents are still slightly dependent on my siblings and I as they aren't really tech savvy.
I have to be very cautious of what I wear at home. It's all very loose and I only wear shawls. When I have forgotten my shawl, I've noticed my dad come by and try to get a closer look. He stares and it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know why he doesn't stop. I just want him to stop. I hate him so much for all the shit that he's made me go through. I do not want to be around him ever again but I don't know how to explain that to my mom.
I don't know what to do anymore. I hate everything right now. I hate what my life turned into and it feels like a joke.
I grew up in a very strict, conservative and religious household. The kind where you do not leave until you get married. I was constantly monitored well into my twenties and they would expect me to come home as soon as I finished with college classes. They were abusive growing up as well and those are some of the many scars I have to deal with I guess. I'm really sorry about the erratic writing. I just have to get it all out. For reference, I'm currently in my mid/late twenties.
About a year ago, my dad comes into my room to ask me for help with something. I open the door and he tells me that he feels like he is in pain. He shows me his bulge underneath his clothes. I don't know how to react and at first I didn't really believe what I was seeing. A few years previous to this, I did notice him looking at me strangely and doing the elevator eyes to me once. Back then I wrote it off as nothing.
Immediately I think of a way to move out of home. I start getting boxes and slowly getting things from my room. I basically run out the house once they start to notice something wrong. I move into an apartment in the same city.
That was a year ago. My mom doesn't know about the harassment. My siblings don't know (although I have hinted at it.) I don't want my mom to ever find out, it would destroy her as she is mentally not in a good place. I don't know how to talk about it.
If this isn't infuriating enough, my dad still tells me that I better not marry anyone that he doesn't approve of. My parents tell me that my extended family better not find out about me moving out (it's so taboo and everyone will think I'm a whore) and they do not want me to tell anyone.
My mom is a little needy and she still wants me to come home every week or so. She really hates that I'm not married yet and tries to guilt trip me all the time. My parents are still slightly dependent on my siblings and I as they aren't really tech savvy.
I have to be very cautious of what I wear at home. It's all very loose and I only wear shawls. When I have forgotten my shawl, I've noticed my dad come by and try to get a closer look. He stares and it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know why he doesn't stop. I just want him to stop. I hate him so much for all the shit that he's made me go through. I do not want to be around him ever again but I don't know how to explain that to my mom.
I don't know what to do anymore. I hate everything right now. I hate what my life turned into and it feels like a joke.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's not your fault and there was nothing you did that provoked this. I am very impressed that you were able to leave and find an apartment.
I'm sure therapy would be helpful, I feel like what you could do with is an ally. Is there anyone in your life who you think you could trust and who would respond sympathetically? This could be a sibling, but is probably more likely to be a friend or health professional. It might be difficult to think of someone. Another option that might be useful is to see whether there is a domestic violence charity in your city. While from your description you're not a victim of violence as such, incest is a form of abuse and they might have resources, ideas or people that you would find helpful. Finally, if there is any form of mental health telephone helpline in your country, you could try giving them a call.
Other suggestions I had that you might find useful (but may not be appropriate in a pandemic). I think that it would be helpful if you didn't go home as frequently or at all. Could you meet with your mum outside the home? Perhaps in a cafe or restaurant? In terms of improving your mood and how you feel, exercise might help particularly if it gives you confidence in your own body and what it can do in a completely non-sexual way. Perhaps there is an inexpensive class near your new apartment that you could join. You might prefer if it was women only. And finally, you don't mention friends but now would be a good time to cultivate any ordinary friends that you can go for a coffee with and just talk about your regular everyday life. Many people find it a little difficult to adjust to living on your own even in the best of circumstances, because there's no input socialising at home. Having even quite superficial friendships might be good.
posted by plonkee at 2:09 AM on May 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
I'm sure therapy would be helpful, I feel like what you could do with is an ally. Is there anyone in your life who you think you could trust and who would respond sympathetically? This could be a sibling, but is probably more likely to be a friend or health professional. It might be difficult to think of someone. Another option that might be useful is to see whether there is a domestic violence charity in your city. While from your description you're not a victim of violence as such, incest is a form of abuse and they might have resources, ideas or people that you would find helpful. Finally, if there is any form of mental health telephone helpline in your country, you could try giving them a call.
Other suggestions I had that you might find useful (but may not be appropriate in a pandemic). I think that it would be helpful if you didn't go home as frequently or at all. Could you meet with your mum outside the home? Perhaps in a cafe or restaurant? In terms of improving your mood and how you feel, exercise might help particularly if it gives you confidence in your own body and what it can do in a completely non-sexual way. Perhaps there is an inexpensive class near your new apartment that you could join. You might prefer if it was women only. And finally, you don't mention friends but now would be a good time to cultivate any ordinary friends that you can go for a coffee with and just talk about your regular everyday life. Many people find it a little difficult to adjust to living on your own even in the best of circumstances, because there's no input socialising at home. Having even quite superficial friendships might be good.
posted by plonkee at 2:09 AM on May 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
I don't want my mom to ever find out, it would destroy her as she is mentally not in a good place. I don't know how to talk about it.
It may well be the case that your mom is maintaining the exact same position about you never finding out about whatever hidden abuse your useless prick of a father has been inflicting on her for god knows how many years.
These miserable fucks get away with it exactly because they know how to inflict a totally unwarranted sense of shame and guilt and responsibility onto their victims to make sure that what they're doing never comes to light.
Get yourself living somewhere physically secure, meet your mom somewhere else physically secure, and blow the fucking whistle on this piss-poor excuse for a man.
posted by flabdablet at 2:58 AM on May 8, 2021 [35 favorites]
It may well be the case that your mom is maintaining the exact same position about you never finding out about whatever hidden abuse your useless prick of a father has been inflicting on her for god knows how many years.
These miserable fucks get away with it exactly because they know how to inflict a totally unwarranted sense of shame and guilt and responsibility onto their victims to make sure that what they're doing never comes to light.
Get yourself living somewhere physically secure, meet your mom somewhere else physically secure, and blow the fucking whistle on this piss-poor excuse for a man.
posted by flabdablet at 2:58 AM on May 8, 2021 [35 favorites]
(Hi OP, if you like, you can write the mods and have them update the thread anonymously for you with any information you think is relevant.)
What are the other dynamics in your family? Would your siblings protect you and play interference for you around your father if you told them? Are your siblings male?
You said both of your parents were or have been abusive. Do you actually want to keep seeing your mother, or is it out of a sense of duty?
I'm usually on the side of not cutting people off, maintaining some relationships even when they're not enjoyable, etc. But not when abuse is involved, and definitely not here. I think it's very wise and very admirable that you moved out, and I think you would be more than justified in moving far away (if that is a socially available option where you live) or no longer working so hard for your mother's sake, if that's what you want to do.
Do you have friends who can give you support?
You sound like a very strong person, and please remember that your father's conduct doesn't make yours any less admirable or deserving. You're no joke.
posted by trig at 3:34 AM on May 8, 2021 [13 favorites]
What are the other dynamics in your family? Would your siblings protect you and play interference for you around your father if you told them? Are your siblings male?
You said both of your parents were or have been abusive. Do you actually want to keep seeing your mother, or is it out of a sense of duty?
I'm usually on the side of not cutting people off, maintaining some relationships even when they're not enjoyable, etc. But not when abuse is involved, and definitely not here. I think it's very wise and very admirable that you moved out, and I think you would be more than justified in moving far away (if that is a socially available option where you live) or no longer working so hard for your mother's sake, if that's what you want to do.
Do you have friends who can give you support?
You sound like a very strong person, and please remember that your father's conduct doesn't make yours any less admirable or deserving. You're no joke.
posted by trig at 3:34 AM on May 8, 2021 [13 favorites]
I doubt you're anywhere near being able to vocalize this now, but do please try to keep in mind that "My father tried to have sex with me, so I moved out," is a clear and concise statement that is also 100% true.
If there is to be shame, it is his. If there is to be blame, it is on him. None of this is yours, and it is okay to (someday) make that clear with your words, to anyone and everyone who has the gall to ask you the question.
(Source: My father tried to have sex with me when I was sixteen. I didn't grow up with him and so it wasn't at all the same, but still I taught myself how to say that statement without shame, and it has been healthy af for me.)
Know also that you are incredibly brave, to be doing what you're doing, and you should be very proud of that. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it, tho.
posted by WaywardPlane at 3:55 AM on May 8, 2021 [35 favorites]
If there is to be shame, it is his. If there is to be blame, it is on him. None of this is yours, and it is okay to (someday) make that clear with your words, to anyone and everyone who has the gall to ask you the question.
(Source: My father tried to have sex with me when I was sixteen. I didn't grow up with him and so it wasn't at all the same, but still I taught myself how to say that statement without shame, and it has been healthy af for me.)
Know also that you are incredibly brave, to be doing what you're doing, and you should be very proud of that. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it, tho.
posted by WaywardPlane at 3:55 AM on May 8, 2021 [35 favorites]
Casting my mind back to a previous AskMe thread that didn't involve sexual abuse, but did involve someone who really needed to move away from their family in a culture where that was seen as unacceptable -
Is there anyone in your extended community that you remember hearing about who did the same thing, moved out and went their own way? Maybe someone who you were told was a whore etc. because she "abandoned her parents" by moving out? Because if there is and you're able to make contact with her, even if you don't know her well, she might be willing to support you as someone who knows what you're going through.
This might seem an unthinkable option, but - is there any possibility you could move to another city as a way of cutting ties? You did such an incredibly brave and strong thing by moving out of home, would it be possible to summon that same energy and leave the city, or at least to start planning for that one day, when you can afford it, so that you have more hope for the future? It seems like it's going to be very hard for you to stay in the same city and stop visiting (though you would of course be totally within your rights to do that) but if you physically can't get to their house without boarding a plane, and change your mobile number, your visiting obligations are over and the inevitable drama that follows will all happen at a distance. Apologies if that's an impossible and idiotic suggestion for your cultural context/your relationship with your mother.
posted by penguin pie at 4:18 AM on May 8, 2021 [10 favorites]
Is there anyone in your extended community that you remember hearing about who did the same thing, moved out and went their own way? Maybe someone who you were told was a whore etc. because she "abandoned her parents" by moving out? Because if there is and you're able to make contact with her, even if you don't know her well, she might be willing to support you as someone who knows what you're going through.
This might seem an unthinkable option, but - is there any possibility you could move to another city as a way of cutting ties? You did such an incredibly brave and strong thing by moving out of home, would it be possible to summon that same energy and leave the city, or at least to start planning for that one day, when you can afford it, so that you have more hope for the future? It seems like it's going to be very hard for you to stay in the same city and stop visiting (though you would of course be totally within your rights to do that) but if you physically can't get to their house without boarding a plane, and change your mobile number, your visiting obligations are over and the inevitable drama that follows will all happen at a distance. Apologies if that's an impossible and idiotic suggestion for your cultural context/your relationship with your mother.
posted by penguin pie at 4:18 AM on May 8, 2021 [10 favorites]
Do you feel closer to one of your siblings? Perhaps it's time to speak more explicitly with that sibling. If are a woman and you have sisters it's very possible your father has also done something similar to one of them. And if your siblings have children it's possible he might behave inappropriately with one of them.
Here is a number you can call to talk with someone.
And here is a long list of resources in various countries.
This is not a burden you should be carrying alone. You have done nothing wrong and you need the support of people who understand you. I am not a therapist but I am a survivor of abuse. I am also a mother and grandmother. If you wish to email me here I will respond. You are not alone.
posted by mareli at 5:35 AM on May 8, 2021 [14 favorites]
Here is a number you can call to talk with someone.
And here is a long list of resources in various countries.
This is not a burden you should be carrying alone. You have done nothing wrong and you need the support of people who understand you. I am not a therapist but I am a survivor of abuse. I am also a mother and grandmother. If you wish to email me here I will respond. You are not alone.
posted by mareli at 5:35 AM on May 8, 2021 [14 favorites]
Your father’s actions still bother you because it shakes at the core of stability that a father is supposed to provide. It takes the parent/child relationship and rips it in half. His action and decision and continued behavior is responsible. It’s also incredibly taxing and frightening to be required to be in a space with someone who would violate you while maintaining the fiction that you are in a father/daughter relationship where there are no problems. I, too, suspect your mother’s mental health is a mess because she is in a relationship with an abuser. Neither he nor anyone else in your life gets to call you a whore for simply existing in the world in the body of a woman. And no one who would violate trust, social standards, moral codes and social decency by doing what your father has done, continues to do, is allowed to cast aspersions on your moral character.
Good advice and ideas above about further distancing yourself. I know it is so hard to find your voice in a situation like this. You only need to do what makes you comfortable but I do urge you to find at least one person who you are comfortable reaching out to and befriending. You need an ally in life to bolster you. You are a person who is worthy. You are worthy of a father who is a good man and you don’t have that. You are worthy of a mother who protects and nurtures you. She may be trapped in the same sick system but she isn’t protecting or nurturing you by requiring you to share space in an environment that is bad for you.
No matter where you are in the world, no matter your culture, you are worthy, you are not a whore, you are not at fault and you are strong. You care for you and you are worth that care.
posted by amanda at 7:15 AM on May 8, 2021 [8 favorites]
Good advice and ideas above about further distancing yourself. I know it is so hard to find your voice in a situation like this. You only need to do what makes you comfortable but I do urge you to find at least one person who you are comfortable reaching out to and befriending. You need an ally in life to bolster you. You are a person who is worthy. You are worthy of a father who is a good man and you don’t have that. You are worthy of a mother who protects and nurtures you. She may be trapped in the same sick system but she isn’t protecting or nurturing you by requiring you to share space in an environment that is bad for you.
No matter where you are in the world, no matter your culture, you are worthy, you are not a whore, you are not at fault and you are strong. You care for you and you are worth that care.
posted by amanda at 7:15 AM on May 8, 2021 [8 favorites]
Came in to make the same suggestion as penguin pie - although it doesn’t help a lot in the short term, perhaps you could start looking into what would be the necessary next steps toward putting more physical distance between you and your parents. You’ve already been so brave and resourceful getting yourself out of their home!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:34 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:34 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
This is an awful and difficult situation but you acted so immediately and powerfully in your own best interest that I actually have a lot of confidence you are going to be able to get through it and thrive. From my own (different but relevant) experience with something like this, by FAR the hardest piece is acknowledging that abuse is happening and getting yourself to a place where it is no longer an immediately threat. You have done that. There will be moments of difficulty and pain going forward, no question, but I genuinely believe things are going to get easier, not harder, from here.
I agree with the people who say that the next step is to find an in person ally to whom you can talk as directly as you feel comfortable about what happened. I don’t think this would be a sibling or your mom as they’re likely too close to the situation, but a cousin, a friend, a teacher—anyone who will listen with compassion and believe you’re telling the truth. And remember that it’s up to you to decide how much you disclose even to them: anything from “my dad sexually harassed me” to “my dad tried to have sex with me” to “my dad is acting in ways that make me feel unsafe at home.” You don’t owe anyone any details you aren’t ready to share, and if you reach out to someone who doesn’t prove to be trustworthy, or who undermines you even inadvertently, it’s not your fault, and you can reach out to someone else instead.
Along similar lines: this may be obvious, but as a random Internet stranger, I give you absolute permission, from here on out, to lie to your family as much as you need to in order to keep yourself safe. Ideally, maybe, you’ll be able to talk to them more freely, but for now: you can be sick when they invite you to lunch. You can invent a part time job that just happens to fill up your weekends.. You can go on dates and lie to your dad about it. You can smile and nod when your dad informs you he has veto power over your marriage, and then smile for real on the inside knowing that every day you are taking steps towards a future in which you never have to speak to that fucker again.
Find a friend you can confide in. They don’t have to have a solution; they just need to be an ear. And then come check back in with us and we can all think of next steps to take. You’re going to get through this. I believe in it.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 8:13 AM on May 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
I agree with the people who say that the next step is to find an in person ally to whom you can talk as directly as you feel comfortable about what happened. I don’t think this would be a sibling or your mom as they’re likely too close to the situation, but a cousin, a friend, a teacher—anyone who will listen with compassion and believe you’re telling the truth. And remember that it’s up to you to decide how much you disclose even to them: anything from “my dad sexually harassed me” to “my dad tried to have sex with me” to “my dad is acting in ways that make me feel unsafe at home.” You don’t owe anyone any details you aren’t ready to share, and if you reach out to someone who doesn’t prove to be trustworthy, or who undermines you even inadvertently, it’s not your fault, and you can reach out to someone else instead.
Along similar lines: this may be obvious, but as a random Internet stranger, I give you absolute permission, from here on out, to lie to your family as much as you need to in order to keep yourself safe. Ideally, maybe, you’ll be able to talk to them more freely, but for now: you can be sick when they invite you to lunch. You can invent a part time job that just happens to fill up your weekends.. You can go on dates and lie to your dad about it. You can smile and nod when your dad informs you he has veto power over your marriage, and then smile for real on the inside knowing that every day you are taking steps towards a future in which you never have to speak to that fucker again.
Find a friend you can confide in. They don’t have to have a solution; they just need to be an ear. And then come check back in with us and we can all think of next steps to take. You’re going to get through this. I believe in it.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 8:13 AM on May 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
You might need to open up to your siblings because if this is happening to you, he's probably doing it to your siblings.
posted by Coffeetyme at 9:05 AM on May 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by Coffeetyme at 9:05 AM on May 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
In many countries, there are family violence programs where you can get direct help, and referrals. it's more important for me to save up money so that I never end up being dependent on my parents again. I think getting help is more important. Live someplace cheap, eat beans & rice, and find a therapist; getting help will enable you to move on.
I appreciate that you are concerned about your Mom, but try to find ways to visit with her, maybe with siblings, and not with your father. You need to prioritize your health right now, even if she doesn't understand. Abuse like this makes you feel small, powerless, you may feel that you deserved it. You didn't deserve and don't deserve more harassment from him.
posted by theora55 at 11:10 AM on May 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
I appreciate that you are concerned about your Mom, but try to find ways to visit with her, maybe with siblings, and not with your father. You need to prioritize your health right now, even if she doesn't understand. Abuse like this makes you feel small, powerless, you may feel that you deserved it. You didn't deserve and don't deserve more harassment from him.
posted by theora55 at 11:10 AM on May 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
Just to address the ways to feel less immediate emotional pressure from this: what you experienced is trauma. A long history of religious trauma and parental/environmental oppression and control, plus a specific traumatic incident that also broke a pretty significant trust relationship. Anyway, this is all trauma. The good news is that there's a lot of material available to help contextualize and process trauma that you can use until therapy is within reach for you.
Some of the search terms you may want to try are "spiritual abuse" and "religious trauma syndrome". You may also want to look at CPTSD (sometimes C-PTSD), where the C stands for "complex", as in a long-duration or multiple-vector experience of trauma. I recommend "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving" as a good starting place.
It sounds like your post was written from a place of panic, and it's really common to re-feel that when recounting traumatic events, but assuming right now you are in your own home you should take a moment to reassure yourself: you are not in danger right this minute. You are remembering danger, and your body will sometimes re-enact all the feelings of danger even when nothing is actually happening in that moment, and there are tools you can learn to quiet that reaction. I just stumbled across this youtube channel/series on processing emotions this morning and found the one exercise I tried very useful, you might also get some helpful techniques and relief from watching it, and while she's selling a more in-depth class this is free and that's a perfectly fine way to get started.
You don't have to solve all this today. You should focus on building up your own toolbox for a while before you try to deal with anybody else's issues. You will probably need to take a step back from your mom for a little bit, or only meet her outside if it makes your life easier to continue to check in but maintain a safer distance from your father.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:18 AM on May 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
Some of the search terms you may want to try are "spiritual abuse" and "religious trauma syndrome". You may also want to look at CPTSD (sometimes C-PTSD), where the C stands for "complex", as in a long-duration or multiple-vector experience of trauma. I recommend "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving" as a good starting place.
It sounds like your post was written from a place of panic, and it's really common to re-feel that when recounting traumatic events, but assuming right now you are in your own home you should take a moment to reassure yourself: you are not in danger right this minute. You are remembering danger, and your body will sometimes re-enact all the feelings of danger even when nothing is actually happening in that moment, and there are tools you can learn to quiet that reaction. I just stumbled across this youtube channel/series on processing emotions this morning and found the one exercise I tried very useful, you might also get some helpful techniques and relief from watching it, and while she's selling a more in-depth class this is free and that's a perfectly fine way to get started.
You don't have to solve all this today. You should focus on building up your own toolbox for a while before you try to deal with anybody else's issues. You will probably need to take a step back from your mom for a little bit, or only meet her outside if it makes your life easier to continue to check in but maintain a safer distance from your father.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:18 AM on May 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
I am so sorry. You responded incredibly. Maybe that knowledge that you can trust yourself can be a foundation of comfort for you.
Being furious at your dad and hating everything right now make total sense.
I have little advice, just applause, but one idea might be to read books from other people who experienced incest, parental sexual abuse, parental abuse, rape or sexual harassment. Seeing the voices of people who are a year or ten years down the road from where you are, especially from people who are confident and living a happy life, might reinforce your ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other to overcome this, and also let you feel like it's understandable when you need to take some time to be angry or fall apart.
If you can move further away so that you can't see your father frequently, you might consider that. You might also simply say that you can't see him for awhile. When asked why, if you don't want to explain, you could tell your dad "you know why" and tell your mom "dad knows why - but I'd be happy to see you independently" and tell others "I can't explain but it's for a very good reason and my dad knows what it is."
Best of everything to you.
posted by slidell at 11:50 AM on May 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
Being furious at your dad and hating everything right now make total sense.
I have little advice, just applause, but one idea might be to read books from other people who experienced incest, parental sexual abuse, parental abuse, rape or sexual harassment. Seeing the voices of people who are a year or ten years down the road from where you are, especially from people who are confident and living a happy life, might reinforce your ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other to overcome this, and also let you feel like it's understandable when you need to take some time to be angry or fall apart.
If you can move further away so that you can't see your father frequently, you might consider that. You might also simply say that you can't see him for awhile. When asked why, if you don't want to explain, you could tell your dad "you know why" and tell your mom "dad knows why - but I'd be happy to see you independently" and tell others "I can't explain but it's for a very good reason and my dad knows what it is."
Best of everything to you.
posted by slidell at 11:50 AM on May 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
OP, I'm from a culture where even moving away from home (let alone cutting contact with a parent) is scandalous and impossible and frequently used as a tragic/disastrous plot point in movies that causes the father to have a heart attack and the mother to be reduced to becoming a menial laborer in her old age to support the family, with mournful string instruments playing in the background. Basically, an adult child leaving home before marriage is seen as a monstrous act, a curse on the whole family.
And I'm here to tell you: it's all lies. The fears they put in your head and your heart, they made them all up. None of it is real.
Your mother is not as fragile as you think. Your community is not as powerful as it seems. If you refuse to ever see your father again, that will not actually cause the earth to crack open and swallow you up.
I am not making fun of you when I say this stuff. I really used to feel that way when I was younger. It was a huge taboo, and I was afraid my life would be a living hell full of regret, guilt, and persecution if I [did my thing]. But that's not what happened. [Doing my thing] and getting kicked out of home allowed me to breathe, heal, start living instead of merely struggling to survive, and most importantly, it allowed me to find my adult power. Back home my wings had been artificially clipped. I was forcibly kept dependent, infantile, and powerless. Living on my own helped me find my own voice, my own preferences, my own lifestyle. It allowed me to find my place in the world, with solid ground beneath my feet. Nobody could pull the rug out from under me anymore.
Two years after my traumatic and dramatic departure from my family home, my parents came crawling back to me. They didn't want to mention the event, they wanted to pretend nothing ever happened... they just called me up out of the blue and talked like we had spoken on the phone last week. And guess what? Their voice did not feel threatening to me anymore. I felt safe and secure in my own life and in my own power. I no longer felt any guilt or regret. They had no power over me. There was nothing to fear from them anymore, because I had my life, and they were being forced to accept me as I was. And the power balance in our relationship only became more and more in my favor as time wore on, because I don't need them at all but they need me desperately.
Listen to me. YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER. Think about it. Without you, they grow old alone and die alone. Without them, you live happy, powerful, free.
You think they don't know this? Girl, they are doing everything in their power to keep you from realizing this truth. They are doing one hell of a desperate dance: they shame you, they make you think they're fragile, they scare you, they deliberately do things to you that they know you will be forced to keep secret - which creates the shameful strong tie of shared secrets within the family.... they use every trick and weapon they have... All to keep you from realizing that you're the one with all the power.
Because once you realize this truth, you will no longer be bound by them. You will leave. They will be reduced to having to please you in order to keep you in their lives. They may not succeed. They know it. So they try to keep you trapped and confused instead. They're fighting for their lives.
But OP... you, too, are fighting for your life. You can leave. You don't owe your father a goddamn thing. He's lucky you don't report him to the police. You can stay in touch with your mother and all the rest of your family. You can tell them as much or as little as you wish, because remember, they have no choice but to accept what you give them. Your community has no power over you either... If you are able to move out and find a place to live that's all your own, then, yeah, you're not living under circumstances where there is a real threat of members of your community hunting you down and murdering you or locking you up. You won't even be ostracized, is my guess, but even if they did, so what? Your wellbeing depends 0% on them. This baseline level of independence that you have tells me that your community is probably too busy with their own shit to bother persecuting you.
You already have control over your life, Anon. All you need is to pick it up, hold it in your hand, feel its energy, and recognize that it is truly yours. You can stop seeing your dad today. You can end at least that part of your suffering now, and allow time to heal the rest.
posted by MiraK at 2:52 PM on May 8, 2021 [46 favorites]
And I'm here to tell you: it's all lies. The fears they put in your head and your heart, they made them all up. None of it is real.
Your mother is not as fragile as you think. Your community is not as powerful as it seems. If you refuse to ever see your father again, that will not actually cause the earth to crack open and swallow you up.
I am not making fun of you when I say this stuff. I really used to feel that way when I was younger. It was a huge taboo, and I was afraid my life would be a living hell full of regret, guilt, and persecution if I [did my thing]. But that's not what happened. [Doing my thing] and getting kicked out of home allowed me to breathe, heal, start living instead of merely struggling to survive, and most importantly, it allowed me to find my adult power. Back home my wings had been artificially clipped. I was forcibly kept dependent, infantile, and powerless. Living on my own helped me find my own voice, my own preferences, my own lifestyle. It allowed me to find my place in the world, with solid ground beneath my feet. Nobody could pull the rug out from under me anymore.
Two years after my traumatic and dramatic departure from my family home, my parents came crawling back to me. They didn't want to mention the event, they wanted to pretend nothing ever happened... they just called me up out of the blue and talked like we had spoken on the phone last week. And guess what? Their voice did not feel threatening to me anymore. I felt safe and secure in my own life and in my own power. I no longer felt any guilt or regret. They had no power over me. There was nothing to fear from them anymore, because I had my life, and they were being forced to accept me as I was. And the power balance in our relationship only became more and more in my favor as time wore on, because I don't need them at all but they need me desperately.
Listen to me. YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER. Think about it. Without you, they grow old alone and die alone. Without them, you live happy, powerful, free.
You think they don't know this? Girl, they are doing everything in their power to keep you from realizing this truth. They are doing one hell of a desperate dance: they shame you, they make you think they're fragile, they scare you, they deliberately do things to you that they know you will be forced to keep secret - which creates the shameful strong tie of shared secrets within the family.... they use every trick and weapon they have... All to keep you from realizing that you're the one with all the power.
Because once you realize this truth, you will no longer be bound by them. You will leave. They will be reduced to having to please you in order to keep you in their lives. They may not succeed. They know it. So they try to keep you trapped and confused instead. They're fighting for their lives.
But OP... you, too, are fighting for your life. You can leave. You don't owe your father a goddamn thing. He's lucky you don't report him to the police. You can stay in touch with your mother and all the rest of your family. You can tell them as much or as little as you wish, because remember, they have no choice but to accept what you give them. Your community has no power over you either... If you are able to move out and find a place to live that's all your own, then, yeah, you're not living under circumstances where there is a real threat of members of your community hunting you down and murdering you or locking you up. You won't even be ostracized, is my guess, but even if they did, so what? Your wellbeing depends 0% on them. This baseline level of independence that you have tells me that your community is probably too busy with their own shit to bother persecuting you.
You already have control over your life, Anon. All you need is to pick it up, hold it in your hand, feel its energy, and recognize that it is truly yours. You can stop seeing your dad today. You can end at least that part of your suffering now, and allow time to heal the rest.
posted by MiraK at 2:52 PM on May 8, 2021 [46 favorites]
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Regardless, I want to say that what your father did was beyond inappropriate, beyond harassment--it was incest. It is completely unfair and shocking that he did this to you, and I'm so sorry that he did. It was very brave of you to defy the taboo and move out; you took good care of yourself there. I hope you can find your way out of this situation.
posted by praemunire at 12:23 AM on May 8, 2021 [41 favorites]