How to hook up in these crazy times
December 13, 2020 7:08 AM Subscribe
Have not hooked up since my drinking days years ago. Was married and then FWB but things have dried up and really just want some body to body contact.
I am not sure if this is even a good idea. I won't die from not doing it but thought I would see what others are doing. Here are my concerns:
Covid obviously. How is anyone negotiating this?
Does he come to my house or do I go to theirs? Do I bring a complete stranger to my house and then he knows where I live if he is not quite right? Will he not leave me alone if I decide afterwards that it was a one time thing? I am not saying I am all that but had some experiences when I was picking up random guys in the past.
Not to be too indelicate but how do I know he is not carrying some other disease? Of course I use protection but there are other things done sans condom.
This all probably sounds like I am a pile of bitchy negativity but really I am not. I just don't want to make rookie mistakes if I decide to contact someone.
Is it a thing to text for a short period of time to get a feel for a guy or is it more hey, saw your picture come on over?
I am not sure if this is even a good idea. I won't die from not doing it but thought I would see what others are doing. Here are my concerns:
Covid obviously. How is anyone negotiating this?
Does he come to my house or do I go to theirs? Do I bring a complete stranger to my house and then he knows where I live if he is not quite right? Will he not leave me alone if I decide afterwards that it was a one time thing? I am not saying I am all that but had some experiences when I was picking up random guys in the past.
Not to be too indelicate but how do I know he is not carrying some other disease? Of course I use protection but there are other things done sans condom.
This all probably sounds like I am a pile of bitchy negativity but really I am not. I just don't want to make rookie mistakes if I decide to contact someone.
Is it a thing to text for a short period of time to get a feel for a guy or is it more hey, saw your picture come on over?
Especially if you're talking truly casual, possibly one-time hooking up, an additional problem is that someone who's hooking up with you, a stranger, is probably hooking up with (and thus exposed to) other strangers too. And as a group, people who are choosing to hook up with strangers right now are going to be high-risk for exposure.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:51 AM on December 13, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:51 AM on December 13, 2020 [9 favorites]
I haven't hooked up with anyone new this year because of the pandemic, so I can only respond to the more general questions.
I prefer to go to their homes, because that way they won't know where I live if I want to disappear, because it won't be as convenient to murder me if they have to clean up afterwards, and because it's easier to leave when I'm ready rather than try to get them to leave.
I meet people in public first to get a feel for whether we might be compatible before going somewhere less safe. I chat with them about STIs at this point; when they were last tested, their general safety habits, etc.
Some people meet up quickly and others chat for a while first.
FYI, I often found that men I met on Tinder THOUGHT they wanted casual sex but had never actually done it before and were super nervous; it wasn't unusual for people to back out/ ghost for this reason.
posted by metasarah at 9:36 AM on December 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
I prefer to go to their homes, because that way they won't know where I live if I want to disappear, because it won't be as convenient to murder me if they have to clean up afterwards, and because it's easier to leave when I'm ready rather than try to get them to leave.
I meet people in public first to get a feel for whether we might be compatible before going somewhere less safe. I chat with them about STIs at this point; when they were last tested, their general safety habits, etc.
Some people meet up quickly and others chat for a while first.
FYI, I often found that men I met on Tinder THOUGHT they wanted casual sex but had never actually done it before and were super nervous; it wasn't unusual for people to back out/ ghost for this reason.
posted by metasarah at 9:36 AM on December 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
I absolutely can't contradict an epidemiologist and recommend this as a particularly good idea. But the way I've been doing it in the past month is only meeting up with geeks who are thirsty like me 'cause they've quarantined at home for months, heh—that is to say, only people who have actually been in self-quarantine, alone or in a very small bubble, for months and months, and for the most part have remote jobs or have been in various states of unemployment due to their particular field (e.g., performers, chefs, artists, writers, grad students and teachers, geeky professions of varying sorts). Luckily for me so far, that overlaps with the sort of people I like to see anyway.
Again, I can't responsibly recommend it, because I fully acknowledge that I've, knock on wood, been lucky so far and even a lot of practices many people are doing amount to cargo-cult behavior in terms of their efficacy. But I can describe what I've been doing, and if nothing else, maybe it'll be of interest as an artifact of these times.
I state clearly that differing risk tolerance is a deal breaker, since of course being alone for months means nothing if their behavior is still more risky than mine, e.g., they go to the store a lot in person, they have people in their bubble who aren't being as safe or are essential workers, or they go on a lot of dates. It only takes one person in their network being exposed to put multiple connected bubbles at risk. Anyone who seems overly eager to meet or pushes too hard for that without actual conversation (e.g., signs of just wanting a one-time thing) gets ruled out fast. Extended chat has been a good way to find out if someone is an actual sociopath (unfortunately, have uncovered at least one of those, which was chilling and made me want to reread The Gift of Fear, because thankfully I at least picked up on the bad vibes quickly in chat).
So chat/text comes first, and as sort of secondary screening, I've also started meeting on Zoom. This can be awkward and can feel like class or an interview (since that's the context in which a lot of people use Zoom), so context-switching to getting to know someone can take overcoming some inertia of expectations. Zoom seems mostly to function as a screener for meeting up, since it's cold out and indoor dining is again shut down for good reason. After that, I have a few times invited people over who seemed trustworthy and safe and reported recent negative COVID tests. There's some nuance there, and I'm not saying any of this is the greatest idea, since PCR tests take so long to come back, they could've been exposed in the meantime, and rapid tests can only tell you their status as of the day of the test. Appearance of safety can of course be deceiving, since they could be an asymptomatic carrier or still developing a case of the virus. So at very least, discussion about test results and risk factors is required, and that is no guarantee. From there, it's about taking a considered (and I guess many would say considerate) risk.
It definitely leads to thoughts of, "Maybe this is the thing that kills me..." Everything is so dire, even trying to have some fun and make a lasting connection. To other people, I'm safer than most, because I work remotely, get groceries and meals delivered, have a car, live alone, and have enough space that it's not cramped. So my circumstances are usually more amenable to having someone over, and it's up to me to evaluate whether seeing someone will compromise that safety.
The STI test results conversation is also one you have to have before taking next steps with anyone anyway, though, even in normal times. How do you know whether they're carrying some other disease? You have to ask before doing anything—even then, they could lie or they could've been exposed to something that hasn't shown up on a test yet, but you can also learn a lot from their behavior when you ask that question. That's also a considered risk.
Soooooo...all of that is before you even get into actually meeting up. That's not even taking into account location-specific lockdown restrictions that might be in place, the availability of testing, any quarantine body issues, or interpersonal issues. My policy is to be forgiving, as I try to be toward myself, but the body and mind stuff can really influence the tenor of things.
Some things to be aware of that I've noticed, at least: People are on edge and have trouble trusting and warming up. Our ability to trust each other has seriously been compromised. Everyone has slightly different customs they've developed for when to put on and take off masks, how often to wash hands—even things like what foods to eat, as extended inactivity has exacerbated health issues in some cases. If you drink, it can take a bit more than you might expect to feel comfortable, and that can come with its own issues. People's inherent wariness of other physical beings right now can make it take longer to make an actual move, even if there's attraction. Many of our bodies have changed in quarantine, and people feel self-conscious about that, which leads to a variety of behaviors. I've gained about 40 pounds in quarantine, and I can't control what other people will think of my body, or how they'll respond, even if they consider themselves body-positive. But I do post a full-body pic and talk about what my body is like to make it less likely that someone will get that far and be super surprised. In truth, that's basic practice for anyone who's bigger, even during non-quarantine times.
People also are dealing with a lot of shame and feelings of inadequacy due to where they've found themselves career-wise these days. It can really influence their behavior. Again, I try to be forgiving; I was really taken aback by the insecurities on display at first, but I realized I have my own, and I'm just lucky that they're not currently career-related. Everyone's circumstances have been affected in some way by what we're all going through, and it's really highlighted differences and left a lot of people feeling insecure and anxious. I'd never gotten into an actual argument before when meeting up with someone, but I did recently, and it made me really take some time to reflect on what I was bringing to the table and what others might be as well. I'm seeing a lot of reactions to trauma (and of course, if I'm being honest, maybe even trying to do this right now is a reaction to trauma); we're all carrying around so much in our heads.
So just know that it takes a lot of work and building trust and making sure everyone is on the same page, and even then, you might not be able to get something real going. The person I argued with got potentially exposed literally the day after we met up, while ultimately they tested negative, getting the results took two weeks. We'd agreed to meet up again, but that put things on hold and left them with so much anxiety, they decided to stop going out. I can entirely see why many people aren't bothering to go through everything that's required just to get to take risk after risk for this. The pool of folks participating in this is probably already somewhat self-selected to people whose behavior is super risky, people who are very thirsty and willing to take a risk but also behave safely, people who really want to get out there in some respect, people who have already had the virus or a vaccine trial, or people who have entirely neglected their profile and are surprised when there's a match, then have to evaluate how to proceed. So you have to kind of feel people out and figure out which camp they're in before proceeding.
Super enticing, eh? Haha.
posted by limeonaire at 10:15 AM on December 13, 2020 [24 favorites]
Again, I can't responsibly recommend it, because I fully acknowledge that I've, knock on wood, been lucky so far and even a lot of practices many people are doing amount to cargo-cult behavior in terms of their efficacy. But I can describe what I've been doing, and if nothing else, maybe it'll be of interest as an artifact of these times.
I state clearly that differing risk tolerance is a deal breaker, since of course being alone for months means nothing if their behavior is still more risky than mine, e.g., they go to the store a lot in person, they have people in their bubble who aren't being as safe or are essential workers, or they go on a lot of dates. It only takes one person in their network being exposed to put multiple connected bubbles at risk. Anyone who seems overly eager to meet or pushes too hard for that without actual conversation (e.g., signs of just wanting a one-time thing) gets ruled out fast. Extended chat has been a good way to find out if someone is an actual sociopath (unfortunately, have uncovered at least one of those, which was chilling and made me want to reread The Gift of Fear, because thankfully I at least picked up on the bad vibes quickly in chat).
So chat/text comes first, and as sort of secondary screening, I've also started meeting on Zoom. This can be awkward and can feel like class or an interview (since that's the context in which a lot of people use Zoom), so context-switching to getting to know someone can take overcoming some inertia of expectations. Zoom seems mostly to function as a screener for meeting up, since it's cold out and indoor dining is again shut down for good reason. After that, I have a few times invited people over who seemed trustworthy and safe and reported recent negative COVID tests. There's some nuance there, and I'm not saying any of this is the greatest idea, since PCR tests take so long to come back, they could've been exposed in the meantime, and rapid tests can only tell you their status as of the day of the test. Appearance of safety can of course be deceiving, since they could be an asymptomatic carrier or still developing a case of the virus. So at very least, discussion about test results and risk factors is required, and that is no guarantee. From there, it's about taking a considered (and I guess many would say considerate) risk.
It definitely leads to thoughts of, "Maybe this is the thing that kills me..." Everything is so dire, even trying to have some fun and make a lasting connection. To other people, I'm safer than most, because I work remotely, get groceries and meals delivered, have a car, live alone, and have enough space that it's not cramped. So my circumstances are usually more amenable to having someone over, and it's up to me to evaluate whether seeing someone will compromise that safety.
The STI test results conversation is also one you have to have before taking next steps with anyone anyway, though, even in normal times. How do you know whether they're carrying some other disease? You have to ask before doing anything—even then, they could lie or they could've been exposed to something that hasn't shown up on a test yet, but you can also learn a lot from their behavior when you ask that question. That's also a considered risk.
Soooooo...all of that is before you even get into actually meeting up. That's not even taking into account location-specific lockdown restrictions that might be in place, the availability of testing, any quarantine body issues, or interpersonal issues. My policy is to be forgiving, as I try to be toward myself, but the body and mind stuff can really influence the tenor of things.
Some things to be aware of that I've noticed, at least: People are on edge and have trouble trusting and warming up. Our ability to trust each other has seriously been compromised. Everyone has slightly different customs they've developed for when to put on and take off masks, how often to wash hands—even things like what foods to eat, as extended inactivity has exacerbated health issues in some cases. If you drink, it can take a bit more than you might expect to feel comfortable, and that can come with its own issues. People's inherent wariness of other physical beings right now can make it take longer to make an actual move, even if there's attraction. Many of our bodies have changed in quarantine, and people feel self-conscious about that, which leads to a variety of behaviors. I've gained about 40 pounds in quarantine, and I can't control what other people will think of my body, or how they'll respond, even if they consider themselves body-positive. But I do post a full-body pic and talk about what my body is like to make it less likely that someone will get that far and be super surprised. In truth, that's basic practice for anyone who's bigger, even during non-quarantine times.
People also are dealing with a lot of shame and feelings of inadequacy due to where they've found themselves career-wise these days. It can really influence their behavior. Again, I try to be forgiving; I was really taken aback by the insecurities on display at first, but I realized I have my own, and I'm just lucky that they're not currently career-related. Everyone's circumstances have been affected in some way by what we're all going through, and it's really highlighted differences and left a lot of people feeling insecure and anxious. I'd never gotten into an actual argument before when meeting up with someone, but I did recently, and it made me really take some time to reflect on what I was bringing to the table and what others might be as well. I'm seeing a lot of reactions to trauma (and of course, if I'm being honest, maybe even trying to do this right now is a reaction to trauma); we're all carrying around so much in our heads.
So just know that it takes a lot of work and building trust and making sure everyone is on the same page, and even then, you might not be able to get something real going. The person I argued with got potentially exposed literally the day after we met up, while ultimately they tested negative, getting the results took two weeks. We'd agreed to meet up again, but that put things on hold and left them with so much anxiety, they decided to stop going out. I can entirely see why many people aren't bothering to go through everything that's required just to get to take risk after risk for this. The pool of folks participating in this is probably already somewhat self-selected to people whose behavior is super risky, people who are very thirsty and willing to take a risk but also behave safely, people who really want to get out there in some respect, people who have already had the virus or a vaccine trial, or people who have entirely neglected their profile and are surprised when there's a match, then have to evaluate how to proceed. So you have to kind of feel people out and figure out which camp they're in before proceeding.
Super enticing, eh? Haha.
posted by limeonaire at 10:15 AM on December 13, 2020 [24 favorites]
I really really really feel you here but now is NOT the time.
are you on any dating web sites? you can take some time getting to know someone via chat etc., maybe have a masked outside meeting in the future when you feel like it. basically set yourself up for a future time when (hopefully!) in person skin contact dating is safe again.
posted by supermedusa at 12:30 PM on December 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
are you on any dating web sites? you can take some time getting to know someone via chat etc., maybe have a masked outside meeting in the future when you feel like it. basically set yourself up for a future time when (hopefully!) in person skin contact dating is safe again.
posted by supermedusa at 12:30 PM on December 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
I won't die from not doing it but thought I would see what others are doing.
Sexting. Whenever possible. Words, photos, video chats. You both need to be of a certain mindset and willingness to make it happen, but it’s possible.
I’m seeing any real life connection as off the table until widespread vaccine deployment. That’s going to be a while. Even if you find someone willing to engage in high risk behaviour, is that someone you should even be hooking up with in the first place?
I get what you’re saying — believe me, I get it. It’s been a while, and it took a lot for me to accept that it’ll be a while yet. Sexting is no substitute, but it takes the edge off. It’s still a connection, just of a different kind.
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:42 PM on December 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
Sexting. Whenever possible. Words, photos, video chats. You both need to be of a certain mindset and willingness to make it happen, but it’s possible.
I’m seeing any real life connection as off the table until widespread vaccine deployment. That’s going to be a while. Even if you find someone willing to engage in high risk behaviour, is that someone you should even be hooking up with in the first place?
I get what you’re saying — believe me, I get it. It’s been a while, and it took a lot for me to accept that it’ll be a while yet. Sexting is no substitute, but it takes the edge off. It’s still a connection, just of a different kind.
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:42 PM on December 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
You may find this interactive risk calculator informative. Put in your own location to determine your own local risk, but in my area (Los Angeles) a hookup would be a dangerously high-risk activity right now.
posted by acridrabbit at 6:42 PM on December 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by acridrabbit at 6:42 PM on December 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
does it have to be sexual touch? i’ve been keeping my therapeutic massage appts since July (my back was killing me due to WFH), and while not completely without risk, my practitioner has very high standards of hygiene (masked/shielded/gloved/air purifier/ventilation), and I’m masked, and even with all that, it still feels like a human, physical connection.
posted by mollymillions at 7:39 PM on December 13, 2020
posted by mollymillions at 7:39 PM on December 13, 2020
How about cultivating a new friends-with-benefits situation? Or an on-going fling? These are strange times, but I can assure you that there were people open to and interested in this before, and undoubtedly there are now. I know folks who still see partners who live in a different household, and I have a friend who has started and ended a relationship since March.
If you are working from home, perhaps you can find someone else who is also working from home. The New York Public Health Department has these tips for safer sex during the pandemic. The Covid conversation becomes part of/connected to the STI conversation. When was your last STI panel? You might want to get one. Ask them if they've had one. And you can also talk about Covid risk factors and such. This can all be done via video chat or on a walking/outside date.
Having one on-going partner whom you trust would likely be safer than multiple partners. It's okay to want what you want. Dating apps are pretty busy these days.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:36 PM on December 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you are working from home, perhaps you can find someone else who is also working from home. The New York Public Health Department has these tips for safer sex during the pandemic. The Covid conversation becomes part of/connected to the STI conversation. When was your last STI panel? You might want to get one. Ask them if they've had one. And you can also talk about Covid risk factors and such. This can all be done via video chat or on a walking/outside date.
Having one on-going partner whom you trust would likely be safer than multiple partners. It's okay to want what you want. Dating apps are pretty busy these days.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:36 PM on December 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
I don't endorse pursing this now because of Covid and everyone above has sufficiently covered off on why. But in looking ahead to the future... when I was in a period of hooking up more regularly, I split between going to their places and bringing them back to mine, with a strong preference for the latter. Of course I worried about the inherent risk of them knowing where I live, but what I found was that without a single exception, they didn't actually remember afterwards. They were far too busy thinking YAY SEX to remember to make a note of my address or any of the house's physical features. I also make sure not to text them the address, but instead met up in public first and then had them follow me in their own car if things were going well. I was only more inclined to go back to a fellow's place if he lived in an apartment complex rather than a house, for safety reasons.
As for STDs, I shared my own test results up front and cut loose anyone who wouldn't do the same or hadn't bothered to stay up to date on their own testing but was sure they were fine. I carried my own condoms always (I was very, very surprised by how many men did not, even when it was very clear why we were both there). Anyone who whined about not liking condoms (christ, no one does, what the hell does that have to do with anything) was shown the door.
posted by anderjen at 9:07 AM on December 14, 2020 [2 favorites]
As for STDs, I shared my own test results up front and cut loose anyone who wouldn't do the same or hadn't bothered to stay up to date on their own testing but was sure they were fine. I carried my own condoms always (I was very, very surprised by how many men did not, even when it was very clear why we were both there). Anyone who whined about not liking condoms (christ, no one does, what the hell does that have to do with anything) was shown the door.
posted by anderjen at 9:07 AM on December 14, 2020 [2 favorites]
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I'm an epidemiologist whose divorce was finalized on my birthday during this pandemic. I empathize with the difficulty of not having body contact right now. I think there are times when the math makes a hookup less risky, but it is not right now (unless, perhaps, you happen to be in Hawaii).
Happy to chat more via memail of that's helpful. I definitely had a moment of weakness or two during this pandemic year.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:22 AM on December 13, 2020 [21 favorites]