I don't feel comfortable with my therapist
July 28, 2020 4:01 AM Subscribe
I've started therapy and certain things about it are making me feel very angry/uncomfortable. I know that's not uncommon, but I wanted people's opinion on whether this is grounds for not doing it anymore. Specifically it's about my therapist's approach.
My therapist seems like a nice person. They obviously seem to have taken to me and validate me frequently. They have said a few things that seem insightful, for sure. Especially about boundaries, which I struggle with.
However, it feels like they themselves are pushing my boundaries in ways I am uncomfortable with. I had a complex childhood with traumatising things that happened in it, and I made it really clear to my therapist right from the start that while these things had happened I really was not ready to talk about them until I felt very comfortable. But I feel like my therapist has been somewhat clumsily pushing at my boundaries around these subjects, trying to learn more; and some of their suggestions about my family etc make me feel very defensive and irritated. I feel like they are trying to pathologise close and complex relationships or boil them down into neat little templates.
I also feel like they want to know me really deeply at a way which is not possible this early on into a relationship. I said at one point that no one with whom I could not speak in my native language (which isn't English) to could ever really know me fully, and they said, "Oh, you mean I can't, either?" I felt like that really indicated a deep lack of understanding of immigrant identity.
Also, they've shared information about their own life and relationship with their parent which I feel like... surely you're not supposed to do??
Finally, and this is a weird one, I feel like they like me too much. Is that weird? They're always talking about how great I am, what a great personality I have, how the things I've told them make them cry, etc. I'm just not really comfortable with it. I don't know if this is a pathology, I just don't really like it when people who don't know me very well take me to me really strongly. It's like - you don't even know me!
But then maybe I am just overreacting? Maybe I shouldn't be so averse to sharing my life history with my therapist, I just really, really am. Maybe I am overreacting when it's actually their job to ask me questions about really personal things. I feel like there will be people on MeFi with more experience of dealing with therapy/therapists who can tell me whether this is just part of what it means to be in therapy or whether I should listen to my gut. When it's actually my lack of trust in my instincts that is one of the things that drove me to seek therapy in the first place.
My therapist seems like a nice person. They obviously seem to have taken to me and validate me frequently. They have said a few things that seem insightful, for sure. Especially about boundaries, which I struggle with.
However, it feels like they themselves are pushing my boundaries in ways I am uncomfortable with. I had a complex childhood with traumatising things that happened in it, and I made it really clear to my therapist right from the start that while these things had happened I really was not ready to talk about them until I felt very comfortable. But I feel like my therapist has been somewhat clumsily pushing at my boundaries around these subjects, trying to learn more; and some of their suggestions about my family etc make me feel very defensive and irritated. I feel like they are trying to pathologise close and complex relationships or boil them down into neat little templates.
I also feel like they want to know me really deeply at a way which is not possible this early on into a relationship. I said at one point that no one with whom I could not speak in my native language (which isn't English) to could ever really know me fully, and they said, "Oh, you mean I can't, either?" I felt like that really indicated a deep lack of understanding of immigrant identity.
Also, they've shared information about their own life and relationship with their parent which I feel like... surely you're not supposed to do??
Finally, and this is a weird one, I feel like they like me too much. Is that weird? They're always talking about how great I am, what a great personality I have, how the things I've told them make them cry, etc. I'm just not really comfortable with it. I don't know if this is a pathology, I just don't really like it when people who don't know me very well take me to me really strongly. It's like - you don't even know me!
But then maybe I am just overreacting? Maybe I shouldn't be so averse to sharing my life history with my therapist, I just really, really am. Maybe I am overreacting when it's actually their job to ask me questions about really personal things. I feel like there will be people on MeFi with more experience of dealing with therapy/therapists who can tell me whether this is just part of what it means to be in therapy or whether I should listen to my gut. When it's actually my lack of trust in my instincts that is one of the things that drove me to seek therapy in the first place.
Trust your instincts on this. This is an opportunity to listen to your gut and interview some other therapists to find a better fit. On preview, ditto.
posted by 6thsense at 4:08 AM on July 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by 6thsense at 4:08 AM on July 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
Yes, definitely trust your gut instinct. Different therapists have different styles, and therefore, different ways of connecting with people. It is worthwhile to find someone that you resonate with
In an earlier version of your post, you had a paragraph on not feeling understood because you have a cultural and language difference from your current country of residence, and your therapist seemed not to understand that. Some therapists are themselves immigrants, and will be able to connect with you when you say things like that. English is not my first language, and my passport is not from my birth country. Navigating cultural and linguistic differences is a big part of what makes me who I am, and I like having therapists who understand that.
Some therapists are themselves immigrants (e.g., my current one, though she immigrated from a European country to another European country), and will be able to connect with you when you say things like that.
posted by tickingclock at 4:13 AM on July 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
In an earlier version of your post, you had a paragraph on not feeling understood because you have a cultural and language difference from your current country of residence, and your therapist seemed not to understand that. Some therapists are themselves immigrants, and will be able to connect with you when you say things like that. English is not my first language, and my passport is not from my birth country. Navigating cultural and linguistic differences is a big part of what makes me who I am, and I like having therapists who understand that.
Some therapists are themselves immigrants (e.g., my current one, though she immigrated from a European country to another European country), and will be able to connect with you when you say things like that.
posted by tickingclock at 4:13 AM on July 28, 2020 [2 favorites]
I have seen three therapists over a period of months/years, including a couples therapist with a former partner. I have also had intro sessions with half a dozen others, so I have a fair bit of experience trialling different therapeutic approaches.
Echoing what others have said, to trust your gut. It's okay if it just feels 'off', you don't have to justify that to anyone. I can also really relate to feeling uncomfortable when a therapist "likes you too much." Our couples' therapist listened to my ex and I talking through a recent fight and actually started crying in session, even though neither of us were. She said, "oh it's just so beautiful how much you two love each other." It made me so angry, and at the time I couldn't figure out why. Finally I realised it was because my gut was telling me the opposite - our love was hurting us both way too much. Breaking up with that man, great guy though he is, was one of the best decisions of my life. If a therapist is too emotionally invested, it prevents them from having a clear-eyed perspective, so you are right to see this as problematic.
posted by guessthis at 4:17 AM on July 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
Echoing what others have said, to trust your gut. It's okay if it just feels 'off', you don't have to justify that to anyone. I can also really relate to feeling uncomfortable when a therapist "likes you too much." Our couples' therapist listened to my ex and I talking through a recent fight and actually started crying in session, even though neither of us were. She said, "oh it's just so beautiful how much you two love each other." It made me so angry, and at the time I couldn't figure out why. Finally I realised it was because my gut was telling me the opposite - our love was hurting us both way too much. Breaking up with that man, great guy though he is, was one of the best decisions of my life. If a therapist is too emotionally invested, it prevents them from having a clear-eyed perspective, so you are right to see this as problematic.
posted by guessthis at 4:17 AM on July 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
I think it is appropriate to look for a different therapist and it sounds like you need one with more experience with diversity and trauma. I think it is a bit of a red flag that this therapist feels like they understand your experiences without really knowing about them. Upon meeting my current therapist, she said, "This is a safe space." I told her it wasn't since I didn't know who she was or what her intentions are. Trust and rapport is something earned between us and should not be assumed, which is how your current therapist is approaching your relationship. Once we established that boundary, we developed a pretty good relationship and she has helped me process a lot of the trauma I have experienced without actually having to discuss it in detail with her.
posted by wasabifooting at 4:17 AM on July 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by wasabifooting at 4:17 AM on July 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
>Finally, and this is a weird one, I feel like they like me too much. Is that weird? They're always talking about how great I am,
My therapist(s) have all done this too and I think they are trained to engage with clients this way. Can't conclude anything without being there, but I'm going to guess it's not about liking you too much on a personal level, but rather about validating someone who has endured a lot of trauma and probably struggles with their self-esteem. They'd likely do this for any client they worked with.
You can try to look for someone who doesn't do this, however, or be clear from the start that this makes you uncomfortable with another therapist. And definitely look for someone who understands the immigrant experience; it sounds like working with a white person won't do the job for you. It's OK to have demographic preferences for your provider. I'm most comfortable working with woman therapists, for example.
posted by shaademaan at 4:56 AM on July 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
My therapist(s) have all done this too and I think they are trained to engage with clients this way. Can't conclude anything without being there, but I'm going to guess it's not about liking you too much on a personal level, but rather about validating someone who has endured a lot of trauma and probably struggles with their self-esteem. They'd likely do this for any client they worked with.
You can try to look for someone who doesn't do this, however, or be clear from the start that this makes you uncomfortable with another therapist. And definitely look for someone who understands the immigrant experience; it sounds like working with a white person won't do the job for you. It's OK to have demographic preferences for your provider. I'm most comfortable working with woman therapists, for example.
posted by shaademaan at 4:56 AM on July 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
Calling your therapist "Dr. White Person" isn't a red flag -- it's an honest reaction; don't feel embarrassed about that. Your therapist's race, privilege, lack of immigrant identity, and perhaps her lack of cultural competence are affecting you and your relationship with her. The best thing that could have happened would have been for you to say that right out loud in response to her query -- then you'd have some idea how competently she could handle your relationship. It wouldn't be a bad thing to share this question with her!
That said: Usually, your gut feeling about your therapist by the third session predicts outcome, so if you don't feel a fit, you might do better with someone else. You'd probably do best with someone who shared your native language and could do therapy in it, if such a person is available.
And, on the other hand, I will also note that you're having super strong emotional reactions to some things that are inherent to therapy. A therapist's job involves asking a lot of invasive personal questions even though she's a stranger to you. Strong emotional reactions to that are common, and are often part of the problem that made you go to therapy, not necessarily a sign that the therapist is incompetent. Being unwilling to disclose honestly will be a problem.
Overall I'd suggest trying several therapists to see if you can find a better fit, especially a therapist that shares some of your cultural background if you can. While also being mindful that if the same problem shows up with all the therapists, it may be a pointer for you on what will help to work on and talk about in therapy.
posted by shadygrove at 5:09 AM on July 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
That said: Usually, your gut feeling about your therapist by the third session predicts outcome, so if you don't feel a fit, you might do better with someone else. You'd probably do best with someone who shared your native language and could do therapy in it, if such a person is available.
And, on the other hand, I will also note that you're having super strong emotional reactions to some things that are inherent to therapy. A therapist's job involves asking a lot of invasive personal questions even though she's a stranger to you. Strong emotional reactions to that are common, and are often part of the problem that made you go to therapy, not necessarily a sign that the therapist is incompetent. Being unwilling to disclose honestly will be a problem.
Overall I'd suggest trying several therapists to see if you can find a better fit, especially a therapist that shares some of your cultural background if you can. While also being mindful that if the same problem shows up with all the therapists, it may be a pointer for you on what will help to work on and talk about in therapy.
posted by shadygrove at 5:09 AM on July 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
You're clearly very angry at this therapist. That doesn't mean you have to leave (yet). It means you need to tell your therapist how angry you are and why. Therapy isn't about being subservient to Dr. White Person but about dealing with the felt requirement to put up with what you don't want from an authority. You're literally paying for the opportunity to work with this dynamic. The answer to "Oh, you mean I can't, either?" is, "That's not what I was trying to say but no, you can't! The fact that you misinterpreted me is proof that you can't. You seem like a nice person but when I tell you what I'm not comfortable discussing I need you to back the fuck off!"
(I am a therapist but not yours.)
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:46 AM on July 28, 2020 [12 favorites]
(I am a therapist but not yours.)
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:46 AM on July 28, 2020 [12 favorites]
Your therapist doesn't have to be doing something wrong for them not to be the right therapist for you. You can look for someone who better matches your expectations or background. Be cautious, though, about searching for a therapist who won't make you feel uncomfortable by pushing you to talk about uncomfortable things - if you are comfortable in therapy, you aren't getting a lot out of it.
There is a difference between a therapist who pushes boundaries of professionalism or makes you uncomfortable trusting in them and one who makes you feel uncomfortable feelings and have uncomfortable thoughts about the things you are there to work on.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:55 AM on July 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
There is a difference between a therapist who pushes boundaries of professionalism or makes you uncomfortable trusting in them and one who makes you feel uncomfortable feelings and have uncomfortable thoughts about the things you are there to work on.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:55 AM on July 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, they've shared information about their own life and relationship with their parent which I feel like... surely you're not supposed to do??
Some therapists have this boundary and others do not. If you are more comfortable with the old school "blank wall" therapy style, that's 100% valid and therapists who operate that way are plentiful.
My therapist, like yours, is free with her personal details. On the other hand, she lives here in Ireland and is Irish and has very little experience with clients who are not white, Irish, and majority Catholic, and believes me when I tell her she cannot understand inter-generational Holocaust trauma or racism as it is institutionally indoctrinated in the United States. She is also fine with being called up and told something is bullshit.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:04 AM on July 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
Some therapists have this boundary and others do not. If you are more comfortable with the old school "blank wall" therapy style, that's 100% valid and therapists who operate that way are plentiful.
My therapist, like yours, is free with her personal details. On the other hand, she lives here in Ireland and is Irish and has very little experience with clients who are not white, Irish, and majority Catholic, and believes me when I tell her she cannot understand inter-generational Holocaust trauma or racism as it is institutionally indoctrinated in the United States. She is also fine with being called up and told something is bullshit.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:04 AM on July 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
If you’re ever going to listen to your instincts, this is a good place to do it.
At this point I restrict my choice in therapists solely to people who share a lot of cultural background with me. There are some days where explaining a cultural touchstone can be an interesting exercise, but there are others when I just want to reference playing "cooties" or the role of ramen in my college experience and have it understood.
That said there are things such as unconditional support for you to be you that can feel very unnatural. It is probably not driven by your personal situation but more because it is something that every human being deserves to have.
One thing your current therapist is offering is a chance to set boundaries and enforce them in a situation where you feel some control. I don’t know if that’s what she has in mind, but it is an opportunity if you decide to stay with her for a bit.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:05 AM on July 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
At this point I restrict my choice in therapists solely to people who share a lot of cultural background with me. There are some days where explaining a cultural touchstone can be an interesting exercise, but there are others when I just want to reference playing "cooties" or the role of ramen in my college experience and have it understood.
That said there are things such as unconditional support for you to be you that can feel very unnatural. It is probably not driven by your personal situation but more because it is something that every human being deserves to have.
One thing your current therapist is offering is a chance to set boundaries and enforce them in a situation where you feel some control. I don’t know if that’s what she has in mind, but it is an opportunity if you decide to stay with her for a bit.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:05 AM on July 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm also really uncomfortable with therapists (and acquaintances in general) who like me too much. I feel like it only encourages me to keep up a persona that conforms to whatever it is they identify, which prevents truly deepening the relationship, which gives them the impression there's no additional depth to be had, which increases the frequency of those "neat little template" incidents. I've tried explicitly saying as much to my most recent therapist and it didn't really work, in that she mostly seemed at a loss as to what she was supposed to do instead, but that's one thing you could try with yours. Unconditional acceptance, when done correctly, is really nice. I've gotten glimpses of it in therapy and now really want to find someone who can find a balance between that and being too positive.
If they don't get your immigrant identity, however, or even really seem to instinctively understand that it's a thing in your life, that really does seem like it will always be a barrier, and probably a pretty big one. You shouldn't have to be educating someone about fundamentals. It is possible though they were trying to challenge a black-and-white statement ("X can never Y") to encourage you to recognize when you're thinking that way, examine whether it's actually true, and either modify your position or affirmatively decide that it reflects reality and you're sticking to it. That could broadly be a "helping you learn to trust your instincts" sort of thing. You're in the best position to know whether that seems like a possibility or if they were just being ignorant and inserting themself into a statement about your own life. And even if it was intended as a deliberate challenge, it's your right to not want to be subjected to those.
If you want to stop seeing this person, however, there's no need to conclude that therapy isn't for you. They're just one therapist, and they've even taught you some things about what you're looking for. Someone out there is an excellent fit for you, and now maybe you're closer to understanding who they are and how they operate.
posted by teremala at 6:15 AM on July 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
If they don't get your immigrant identity, however, or even really seem to instinctively understand that it's a thing in your life, that really does seem like it will always be a barrier, and probably a pretty big one. You shouldn't have to be educating someone about fundamentals. It is possible though they were trying to challenge a black-and-white statement ("X can never Y") to encourage you to recognize when you're thinking that way, examine whether it's actually true, and either modify your position or affirmatively decide that it reflects reality and you're sticking to it. That could broadly be a "helping you learn to trust your instincts" sort of thing. You're in the best position to know whether that seems like a possibility or if they were just being ignorant and inserting themself into a statement about your own life. And even if it was intended as a deliberate challenge, it's your right to not want to be subjected to those.
If you want to stop seeing this person, however, there's no need to conclude that therapy isn't for you. They're just one therapist, and they've even taught you some things about what you're looking for. Someone out there is an excellent fit for you, and now maybe you're closer to understanding who they are and how they operate.
posted by teremala at 6:15 AM on July 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
If you don't like it, you don't like it. At the end of the day, you're the consumer and the choice is yours.
Some therapists, though, are trained (and inclined, I suppose) to a push-back style, and it seems possible that what you are reading as Statements ("Oh, you mean I can't, either?") are actually opportunities presented for you to say more out loud to yourself first and her second about what that means. You're there to challenge your current narratives, are you not? It doesn't mean you're wrong, and it doesn't even mean she thinks you're wrong, it might only mean she wants you to say out loud the words in your head that make up that idea because it seems really important.
It's okay for you to push back for clarification, though. It's not a sacred rite. "I can't tell if you're asking me that because you think it's objectively incorrect or because you want me to dig in to that idea more?" I think you should be frank that you're anticipating some uphill work on your part because you don't share a cultural background, and that it's hard to tell if this is a "now I have to switch to Education Mode" situation or a "oh, we're digging in on this now" situation.
It is the job of a therapist to push boundaries, and it is their job to get to know you kind of quickly, because most people either can't spare the time or money to spend years getting comfortable or they'll give up if they don't feel like anything's happening even if they showed up at the first meeting insisting nothing can happen until they feel comfortable...because they never will.
Therapy isn't comfortable. But there are therapeutic levels of discomfort and then there are crap therapists (or perfectly fine therapists who are just crap for your particular personality styles). This is a hard one for trusting your gut because your gut would like very much to NOT unpack painful things thank you very much. But I think it's worth having a meta-conversation with her before you decide if this is a workable problem; I don't think it reduces the efficacy to actually hear her say out loud "yes, I am offering you opportunities to say more because that's how this works, I am not just an annoying person sitting next to you on a plane asking questions that are rude".
I'm just telling you this as a person who is extremely happy with her carefully-constructed narratives who haaaaaates having them dragged out into the light. It pisses me off, and often the closer to the epiphany I get the angrier I get. I have a whole arc of "This is obviously working fine for me"-"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION"-"...oh. OH." I don't want to be yelled at or anything, but it is useful to me to be with someone who is always going to pull the damn car over as soon as I say something that needs to get poked at. And over time, I have learned to pull the car over myself. "Oh, ha ha, I see what I just said there."
I think most therapists have people show up saying "I will absolutely NOT talk about this thing" and it is no service to you if they agree no, we'll never talk about the thing you're obviously here to talk about. Rapport is necessary but it's not a thing you do freestanding first and then start therapy, you have to kind of get going on it all at the same time. They do have to do a balancing act of Comfort Zone Mitigation, and again if you simply cannot work with her specific style of doing so you should not continue, but not without at least having a "should we break up" talk, lest you end up in the same situation over and over.
As far as the liking you too much part, there are modes of therapy that include specific deliberate acceptance behavior and feedback. Again, this isn't someone sitting next to you on a plane, this is a person Doing A Job, there may be Reasons for their behavior. It can also be excruciating to be liked when you are in pain and or not liking yourself or having trouble trusting kindess from others because of experiences. It may be an expected result that you will be bothered by it until you reach a point where you can reliably expect to receive that acceptance from her no matter what you say. But again, there should be no reason she won't explain it some, if you ask.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:01 AM on July 28, 2020 [11 favorites]
Some therapists, though, are trained (and inclined, I suppose) to a push-back style, and it seems possible that what you are reading as Statements ("Oh, you mean I can't, either?") are actually opportunities presented for you to say more out loud to yourself first and her second about what that means. You're there to challenge your current narratives, are you not? It doesn't mean you're wrong, and it doesn't even mean she thinks you're wrong, it might only mean she wants you to say out loud the words in your head that make up that idea because it seems really important.
It's okay for you to push back for clarification, though. It's not a sacred rite. "I can't tell if you're asking me that because you think it's objectively incorrect or because you want me to dig in to that idea more?" I think you should be frank that you're anticipating some uphill work on your part because you don't share a cultural background, and that it's hard to tell if this is a "now I have to switch to Education Mode" situation or a "oh, we're digging in on this now" situation.
It is the job of a therapist to push boundaries, and it is their job to get to know you kind of quickly, because most people either can't spare the time or money to spend years getting comfortable or they'll give up if they don't feel like anything's happening even if they showed up at the first meeting insisting nothing can happen until they feel comfortable...because they never will.
Therapy isn't comfortable. But there are therapeutic levels of discomfort and then there are crap therapists (or perfectly fine therapists who are just crap for your particular personality styles). This is a hard one for trusting your gut because your gut would like very much to NOT unpack painful things thank you very much. But I think it's worth having a meta-conversation with her before you decide if this is a workable problem; I don't think it reduces the efficacy to actually hear her say out loud "yes, I am offering you opportunities to say more because that's how this works, I am not just an annoying person sitting next to you on a plane asking questions that are rude".
I'm just telling you this as a person who is extremely happy with her carefully-constructed narratives who haaaaaates having them dragged out into the light. It pisses me off, and often the closer to the epiphany I get the angrier I get. I have a whole arc of "This is obviously working fine for me"-"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION"-"...oh. OH." I don't want to be yelled at or anything, but it is useful to me to be with someone who is always going to pull the damn car over as soon as I say something that needs to get poked at. And over time, I have learned to pull the car over myself. "Oh, ha ha, I see what I just said there."
I think most therapists have people show up saying "I will absolutely NOT talk about this thing" and it is no service to you if they agree no, we'll never talk about the thing you're obviously here to talk about. Rapport is necessary but it's not a thing you do freestanding first and then start therapy, you have to kind of get going on it all at the same time. They do have to do a balancing act of Comfort Zone Mitigation, and again if you simply cannot work with her specific style of doing so you should not continue, but not without at least having a "should we break up" talk, lest you end up in the same situation over and over.
As far as the liking you too much part, there are modes of therapy that include specific deliberate acceptance behavior and feedback. Again, this isn't someone sitting next to you on a plane, this is a person Doing A Job, there may be Reasons for their behavior. It can also be excruciating to be liked when you are in pain and or not liking yourself or having trouble trusting kindess from others because of experiences. It may be an expected result that you will be bothered by it until you reach a point where you can reliably expect to receive that acceptance from her no matter what you say. But again, there should be no reason she won't explain it some, if you ask.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:01 AM on July 28, 2020 [11 favorites]
Also based on other things you've mentioned before, I'd really suggest seeking out a therapist who is a second-gen immigrant themselves and/or from your cultural background. They're not necessarily going to tell you that your family is okay*, but they'll have more perspective when it comes to how acculturation has played a role in your family dynamics.
*Spoiler alert: when they drop some uncomfortable truth bombs about your family of origin, it might feel even more distressing because it's coming from someone who's more equipped to place things within their correct context.
posted by blerghamot at 8:06 AM on July 28, 2020 [5 favorites]
*Spoiler alert: when they drop some uncomfortable truth bombs about your family of origin, it might feel even more distressing because it's coming from someone who's more equipped to place things within their correct context.
posted by blerghamot at 8:06 AM on July 28, 2020 [5 favorites]
be clear from the start that this makes you uncomfortable with another therapist
Therapy should be a safe place to practice establishing healthy boundaries. I would echo the suggestion to state to your therapist what is making you uncomfortable and why. And see how they respond and whether you are happy with that response. You can absolutely find a new therapist with out trying to change the dynamic with your current therapist, but it may be a useful exercise to try first.
posted by JenMarie at 10:50 AM on July 28, 2020
Therapy should be a safe place to practice establishing healthy boundaries. I would echo the suggestion to state to your therapist what is making you uncomfortable and why. And see how they respond and whether you are happy with that response. You can absolutely find a new therapist with out trying to change the dynamic with your current therapist, but it may be a useful exercise to try first.
posted by JenMarie at 10:50 AM on July 28, 2020
Also, they've shared information about their own life and relationship with their parent which I feel like... surely you're not supposed to do??
Depends. The way I was trained, yeah, that's very iffy, especially early on, but therapists work in different ways.
With this and most of the other stuff you've said, though, my answer is a categorical "tell them; not us." Bring things into the room. There is not a rule against saying to a therapist "you are doing THING and I am uncomfortable with it." Some possible results are:
1) they say "well, that's just how I work" and you find a new therapist
2) they say "let's talk about why I'm doing that" and you have a conversation where you both feel out what's going to be helpful
3) they say "you're right; that wasn't a good way for us to relate" and you feel freer in the future to point out things that don't feel in line with what you want out of therapy.
But the main point is: bring it into the room. The only not good thing, I think, you can do in this situation is bail without asking any questions, which may reinforce some avoidant ways of dealing with things elsewhere in your life and does avoid part of the work of therapy which is figuring out how to get what you need in relationships with other people.
(My one real red flag, btw, is them saying they cry about stuff you've said. That's kinda weird.)
posted by less of course at 11:00 AM on July 28, 2020 [5 favorites]
Depends. The way I was trained, yeah, that's very iffy, especially early on, but therapists work in different ways.
With this and most of the other stuff you've said, though, my answer is a categorical "tell them; not us." Bring things into the room. There is not a rule against saying to a therapist "you are doing THING and I am uncomfortable with it." Some possible results are:
1) they say "well, that's just how I work" and you find a new therapist
2) they say "let's talk about why I'm doing that" and you have a conversation where you both feel out what's going to be helpful
3) they say "you're right; that wasn't a good way for us to relate" and you feel freer in the future to point out things that don't feel in line with what you want out of therapy.
But the main point is: bring it into the room. The only not good thing, I think, you can do in this situation is bail without asking any questions, which may reinforce some avoidant ways of dealing with things elsewhere in your life and does avoid part of the work of therapy which is figuring out how to get what you need in relationships with other people.
(My one real red flag, btw, is them saying they cry about stuff you've said. That's kinda weird.)
posted by less of course at 11:00 AM on July 28, 2020 [5 favorites]
my therapist has been making me uncomfortable and i told her so
she said
"my job is to support you, and that is going to feel different than me making you comfortable. my job is not to make you comfortable, or to do things in a way that is soothing. it is to provide you support so that you can grow."
i am also learning about boundaries. i think the advice to talk to her about what is making you uncomfortable is good! you can hopefully decide based on her reaction whether this is a good fit or not.
cheers to doing hard work
posted by skrozidile at 11:00 AM on July 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
she said
"my job is to support you, and that is going to feel different than me making you comfortable. my job is not to make you comfortable, or to do things in a way that is soothing. it is to provide you support so that you can grow."
i am also learning about boundaries. i think the advice to talk to her about what is making you uncomfortable is good! you can hopefully decide based on her reaction whether this is a good fit or not.
cheers to doing hard work
posted by skrozidile at 11:00 AM on July 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Your therapist is using the psychodynamic approach. It was super uncomfortable for me but it was helpful talking about why it made me uncomfortable and what exactly the therapist was trying to accomplish.
It turned out to be the most effective therapeutic experience I've had. I think it's worth a few weeks of talking about it.
My therapist had an immigrant background like I do,and even though they understood immigrant perspectives it was still very uncomfortable, and that was intentional. Luckily my therapist was equipped to explain the method. It was so uncomfortable I wish we had built in a LOT of time in each session to discuss the discomfort and decompress. That would have helped me not feel so uncomfortable after. I've used the word uncomfortable so many times in this post, but it's apt.
posted by perdhapley at 11:33 AM on July 28, 2020
It turned out to be the most effective therapeutic experience I've had. I think it's worth a few weeks of talking about it.
My therapist had an immigrant background like I do,and even though they understood immigrant perspectives it was still very uncomfortable, and that was intentional. Luckily my therapist was equipped to explain the method. It was so uncomfortable I wish we had built in a LOT of time in each session to discuss the discomfort and decompress. That would have helped me not feel so uncomfortable after. I've used the word uncomfortable so many times in this post, but it's apt.
posted by perdhapley at 11:33 AM on July 28, 2020
I do not think this is a psychodynamic approach unless it is super loosey-goosey non-rigorous. A therapist talking about himself, especially early in treatment, is very out of line with psychodynamic theory and training, as is telling a client your feelings about their personality, as is pushing someone for more information.
posted by less of course at 11:45 AM on July 28, 2020
posted by less of course at 11:45 AM on July 28, 2020
Your therapist is making your sessions about themselves, not you. That is not a “therapeutic strategy” and alone is enough reason to switch. I am a therapist and have worked with a lot of other therapists (including co-leading family and group therapy sessions) and often saw this dynamic where less experienced/skilled and/or insecure therapists would flail around like this, clumsily pushing for more information that people were not ready to talk about and/or laying on the compliments in an effort to make people feel good. I am not saying your therapist is a bad person, just that they clearly don’t have the training, experience, or cultural humility to be the right therapist for you. Finding the right therapist can be really tough - I would suggest talking to some people you trust (especially those with similar intellects, personalities, and immigrant experiences as you) and ask for recommendations. Also if you are in Boston or NYC feel free to memail me and I can pass along some recommendations. Good luck and I commend you for pursuing therapy and trusting your gut that this is a poor fit!
posted by sleepingwithcats at 7:03 PM on July 28, 2020
posted by sleepingwithcats at 7:03 PM on July 28, 2020
I said at one point that no one with whom I could not speak in my native language (which isn't English) to could ever really know me fully, and they said, "Oh, you mean I can't, either?" I felt like that really indicated a deep lack of understanding of immigrant identity.
It probably does. but it's also a thing many therapists are specifically trained to do. they're trained to latch on to any statement you make about someone else and apply it to themselves. likewise, if you express a sentiment about them directly to them, they will do their very best to apply it to someone else in your life. there are reasons and justifications for this. but there are also other styles of therapy, if you don't like it. and therapists from other backgrounds.
Obviously what you say does apply to them, as it does to any Anglophone therapist who doesn't speak your native language. it's their job to think about what that means. I don't think it's out of line to ask you more about it as it pertains to your therapy specifically, at some point. some people have an expectation that a therapist will know them fully (more often a therapist fantasy, but not unheard of for clients either), and this therapist might have had a concern that by choosing them, you had set yourself up to never get what you wanted. or some bullshit along those lines.
however--you told them a fact, and they just repeated it back to you as some kind of challenge. this is a big problem with this style of therapy, when the client sees the therapist making everything about them, and the therapist is making it about them, deliberately, because that's their primary therapeutic technique--but they forgot to say so up front. and what therapists think is acceptable therapeutic discourse is usually stuff that would be weird or rude or in this case narcissistic, outside their office. so they do have to articulate their methods, if they're competent and ethical. but very often they just don't. they forget, or they think it's already understood.
the other thing is that you say several times how much they like you. and possibly they do. but you should not be able to tell if a therapist actually likes you as a person in a personal way. it's their job to find something likable or at least interesting about every client. They behave personally, without the expectation of being taken personally. that is why therapy fucks up a lot of intelligent, literal-minded people who go into it in good faith and are not met with the same good faith. a lot of therapists know what they're doing but feel no obligation to let you know what they're doing.
Talking about their own personal life is not a clear-cut yes/no rule. Some do; some don't. but they're only supposed to do it if it helps you. and if it makes you uncomfortable, they should stop. I personally think it's a good sign if they ask permission first. and I think this therapist doesn't read you well; I think they are trying to reassure you in a patronizing kind of way and aren't seeing your discomfort. telling you they cried or feel like crying seems very gross to me; if there were real tears you'd notice, they wouldn't have to make a storytime out of it.
they sound about average, but you could probably find someone better.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:46 PM on July 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
It probably does. but it's also a thing many therapists are specifically trained to do. they're trained to latch on to any statement you make about someone else and apply it to themselves. likewise, if you express a sentiment about them directly to them, they will do their very best to apply it to someone else in your life. there are reasons and justifications for this. but there are also other styles of therapy, if you don't like it. and therapists from other backgrounds.
Obviously what you say does apply to them, as it does to any Anglophone therapist who doesn't speak your native language. it's their job to think about what that means. I don't think it's out of line to ask you more about it as it pertains to your therapy specifically, at some point. some people have an expectation that a therapist will know them fully (more often a therapist fantasy, but not unheard of for clients either), and this therapist might have had a concern that by choosing them, you had set yourself up to never get what you wanted. or some bullshit along those lines.
however--you told them a fact, and they just repeated it back to you as some kind of challenge. this is a big problem with this style of therapy, when the client sees the therapist making everything about them, and the therapist is making it about them, deliberately, because that's their primary therapeutic technique--but they forgot to say so up front. and what therapists think is acceptable therapeutic discourse is usually stuff that would be weird or rude or in this case narcissistic, outside their office. so they do have to articulate their methods, if they're competent and ethical. but very often they just don't. they forget, or they think it's already understood.
the other thing is that you say several times how much they like you. and possibly they do. but you should not be able to tell if a therapist actually likes you as a person in a personal way. it's their job to find something likable or at least interesting about every client. They behave personally, without the expectation of being taken personally. that is why therapy fucks up a lot of intelligent, literal-minded people who go into it in good faith and are not met with the same good faith. a lot of therapists know what they're doing but feel no obligation to let you know what they're doing.
Talking about their own personal life is not a clear-cut yes/no rule. Some do; some don't. but they're only supposed to do it if it helps you. and if it makes you uncomfortable, they should stop. I personally think it's a good sign if they ask permission first. and I think this therapist doesn't read you well; I think they are trying to reassure you in a patronizing kind of way and aren't seeing your discomfort. telling you they cried or feel like crying seems very gross to me; if there were real tears you'd notice, they wouldn't have to make a storytime out of it.
they sound about average, but you could probably find someone better.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:46 PM on July 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I really appreciate all the compassion and perspective here. I've decided to go with my gut and continue my search for a therapist that I truly do feel safe with.
posted by unicorn chaser at 8:43 AM on July 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by unicorn chaser at 8:43 AM on July 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
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