Gimmie a buttload of jokes for my mom
May 3, 2020 7:12 PM Subscribe
Hey folks, my mom is going to be 88 in a couple days and she's quarantining alone and I want to give her fifty days worth of envelopes to open and I want each one to contain, among other things, a joke. I need your help.
Like, I'll probably put a scratch ticket in each one as well and maybe a note every few days but I think she'd appreciate some jokes.
Here's what I need:
Make my mom laugh!
Like, I'll probably put a scratch ticket in each one as well and maybe a note every few days but I think she'd appreciate some jokes.
Here's what I need:
- Jokes! I need jokes.
- Jokes should be short. No long stories. Mostly of the "why did the BLA BLA BLA because BLA BLA BLA" kind.
- Not complicated. Mom's mental facilities aren't all that great lately.
- Mostly clean. A little bit of blue is fine but not, like "...and then the guy with the GIANT DILDO goes..."
- They should not include any references to any pop culture or internet culture. She has never used the internet.
- They should not be very sophisticated. My mom is not dumb, but she's uneducated and doesn't get out much. She's not going to understand your joke about Fermat's Last Theorem.
- She's super Catholic so non-blasphemous Catholic jokes are ok but I don't want exclusively Catholic jokes and I'm perfectly fine with zero Catholic jokes.
- Nothing that you really need to think too much about.
- They should be very, very funny.
- If it's easy enough to remember that she can tell it to the ladies at the senior house she lives in, even better.
- She's met Jessamyn, but not Cortex. No Cortex jokes, please.
- She's Irish, so if there's some Irish in there, that'd be great too.
Make my mom laugh!
You'll want to check out the archives at Good Clean Funnies. Not all are hilarious, of course, but you'll find a lot of jokes that tick your boxes there.
posted by DrGail at 7:18 PM on May 3, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by DrGail at 7:18 PM on May 3, 2020 [1 favorite]
Check out the metafilter podcast I think Jessamyn's chicken joke and linked Twitter thread are exactly what you need.
posted by freethefeet at 7:22 PM on May 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by freethefeet at 7:22 PM on May 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”
posted by Spinneret at 7:28 PM on May 3, 2020 [32 favorites]
posted by Spinneret at 7:28 PM on May 3, 2020 [32 favorites]
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
•
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
•
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
p.s. Can I just say you're a good son and a great person to be putting this together for your mother.
posted by Violet Blue at 7:45 PM on May 3, 2020 [10 favorites]
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
•
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
•
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
p.s. Can I just say you're a good son and a great person to be putting this together for your mother.
posted by Violet Blue at 7:45 PM on May 3, 2020 [10 favorites]
Why shouldn't you tell jokes to ghosts?
Because you're gonna get booooooed!
(Created by Jai)
posted by Jacen at 7:48 PM on May 3, 2020 [6 favorites]
Because you're gonna get booooooed!
(Created by Jai)
posted by Jacen at 7:48 PM on May 3, 2020 [6 favorites]
What did the mathematician say when he turned into a tree?
Geometry
posted by babelfish at 8:00 PM on May 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
Geometry
posted by babelfish at 8:00 PM on May 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
When geese fly in v formation, one side of the v is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is? It has more geese in it.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods together, taking a shit. The bear says to the rabbit, "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" "No I don't", says the rabbit. So the bear picked him up and used him as toilet paper.
Two friends were out hunting, and one of them collapses. He doesn't appear to be breathing. His friend calls 911 in a panic and says, "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator tells him, "calm down, the first thing to do is to make sure he is actually dead." So the man puts down the phone and seconds later, the operator hears a shotgun blast. The man gets back on the phone and says "Ok, what now?"
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:00 PM on May 3, 2020 [3 favorites]
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods together, taking a shit. The bear says to the rabbit, "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" "No I don't", says the rabbit. So the bear picked him up and used him as toilet paper.
Two friends were out hunting, and one of them collapses. He doesn't appear to be breathing. His friend calls 911 in a panic and says, "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator tells him, "calm down, the first thing to do is to make sure he is actually dead." So the man puts down the phone and seconds later, the operator hears a shotgun blast. The man gets back on the phone and says "Ok, what now?"
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:00 PM on May 3, 2020 [3 favorites]
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 8:10 PM on May 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
A: A stick
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 8:10 PM on May 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
Why isn't Cinderella good at soccer?
Because her coach is a pumpkin and she keeps running away from the ball.
Here is a link to a bunch of these type of jokes that I was collecting for one of my nieces.
posted by BoscosMom at 8:27 PM on May 3, 2020 [5 favorites]
Because her coach is a pumpkin and she keeps running away from the ball.
Here is a link to a bunch of these type of jokes that I was collecting for one of my nieces.
posted by BoscosMom at 8:27 PM on May 3, 2020 [5 favorites]
Two stock traders are walking to the train from the stock exchange after the market closed. They are making small talk. One says to the other, "I got a dog for my wife." "Nice trade," said the other.
posted by AugustWest at 8:37 PM on May 3, 2020
posted by AugustWest at 8:37 PM on May 3, 2020
Duck paused at the side of the road waiting for a break in the traffic when a chicken approaches and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
posted by she's not there at 8:46 PM on May 3, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by she's not there at 8:46 PM on May 3, 2020 [6 favorites]
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam!
posted by rip at 8:55 PM on May 3, 2020 [1 favorite]
Dam!
posted by rip at 8:55 PM on May 3, 2020 [1 favorite]
Knock knock jokes: Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Do we... remember these? Yes, we do! Ah, do we, do we remember these?
The Statler Brothers - Do You Remember These?
posted by TrishaU at 8:56 PM on May 3, 2020
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Do we... remember these? Yes, we do! Ah, do we, do we remember these?
The Statler Brothers - Do You Remember These?
posted by TrishaU at 8:56 PM on May 3, 2020
My son made up this one when he was a kid:
Q: Why did the goose cross the road?
A: The chicken was sick!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:34 PM on May 3, 2020
Q: Why did the goose cross the road?
A: The chicken was sick!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:34 PM on May 3, 2020
Why do Norwegian war ships have bar codes on the sides of them?
-So when they pull into port they can... Scandinavian!
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
-The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back!
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:45 PM on May 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
-So when they pull into port they can... Scandinavian!
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
-The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back!
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:45 PM on May 3, 2020 [2 favorites]
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
posted by Rhaomi at 9:58 PM on May 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
A carrot!
posted by Rhaomi at 9:58 PM on May 3, 2020 [4 favorites]
i dig, you dig, he/she digs, it digs, we dig, they dig.
it's not a good poem, but it's deep.
posted by alchemist at 10:21 PM on May 3, 2020 [1 favorite]
it's not a good poem, but it's deep.
posted by alchemist at 10:21 PM on May 3, 2020 [1 favorite]
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty / 2:30
posted by cnidaria at 11:00 PM on May 3, 2020
Tooth-hurty / 2:30
posted by cnidaria at 11:00 PM on May 3, 2020
Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
posted by la glaneuse at 12:13 AM on May 4, 2020 [5 favorites]
In their sleevies.
posted by la glaneuse at 12:13 AM on May 4, 2020 [5 favorites]
A mushroom walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful girl and offers to buy her a drink. She says no.
The mushroom asks, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
posted by pangolin party at 5:18 AM on May 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
The mushroom asks, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
posted by pangolin party at 5:18 AM on May 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
What's Irish and stays out all night long in all kinds of weather?
Paddy O'Furniture (patio furniture)
My uncle carries a small card in his wallet that says, "I am an important Catholic. In case of accident, call a bishop."
My aunt was in a convent, a very strict order that required complete silence. Except for the Mother Superior, the nuns were allowed to speak only two words every ten years. At the end of ten years my aunt said, "room cold."
Another decade went by, and when asked her two words, my aunt said, "food bad."
Finally, after another ten years she said, "I quit." Indignantly the Mother Superior replied, "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Two Irishmen, drinking in a pub were seated near the window, when they saw a minister enter the house of ill repute across the street. "Oh what a pity," says O'Brien. "Yes, and him a man of the cloth!" says Murphy.
A short while later they see a local rabbi go into the place. "Oh what a dreadful thing," says O'Brien. "Indeed it is, and him a man of the cloth!" says Murphy again.
Later that same evening they see a priest go inside. "Oh what a shame!" says O'Brien. "So it is," says Murphy, "one of the girls must be very ill."
posted by wjm at 7:12 AM on May 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Paddy O'Furniture (patio furniture)
My uncle carries a small card in his wallet that says, "I am an important Catholic. In case of accident, call a bishop."
My aunt was in a convent, a very strict order that required complete silence. Except for the Mother Superior, the nuns were allowed to speak only two words every ten years. At the end of ten years my aunt said, "room cold."
Another decade went by, and when asked her two words, my aunt said, "food bad."
Finally, after another ten years she said, "I quit." Indignantly the Mother Superior replied, "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Two Irishmen, drinking in a pub were seated near the window, when they saw a minister enter the house of ill repute across the street. "Oh what a pity," says O'Brien. "Yes, and him a man of the cloth!" says Murphy.
A short while later they see a local rabbi go into the place. "Oh what a dreadful thing," says O'Brien. "Indeed it is, and him a man of the cloth!" says Murphy again.
Later that same evening they see a priest go inside. "Oh what a shame!" says O'Brien. "So it is," says Murphy, "one of the girls must be very ill."
posted by wjm at 7:12 AM on May 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Two muffins are sitting in an oven, baking. The first muffin says, "hey, is it getting hot in here?" The second muffin says, "wow, a talking muffin!"
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:27 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:27 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
A guy walks into a bar. "Ouch", he says.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts!
How do you stop elephants from charging?
Take away their credit cards!
posted by Rob Rockets at 7:59 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts!
How do you stop elephants from charging?
Take away their credit cards!
posted by Rob Rockets at 7:59 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Jesus was standing over the woman caught in adultery and challenged the crowd that “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Suddenly, a rock hit the back of his head. Jesus turned and exclaimed, “Mom!”
posted by FencingGal at 8:04 AM on May 4, 2020 [3 favorites]
Boil the hell out of it.
Jesus was standing over the woman caught in adultery and challenged the crowd that “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Suddenly, a rock hit the back of his head. Jesus turned and exclaimed, “Mom!”
posted by FencingGal at 8:04 AM on May 4, 2020 [3 favorites]
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
posted by stevis23 at 8:42 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by stevis23 at 8:42 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
Metafilter is one of my favorite resources for many things, including jokes
www.metafilter.com/39614/GQs-100-Funniest-Jokes-of-All-Time
ask.metafilter.com/34705/Whats-the-funniest-joke-that-doesnt-involve-making-fun-of-anyone
ask.metafilter.com/29078/Good-clean-jokes
ask.metafilter.com/298205/All-out-of-jokes
www.metafilter.com/150113/Esquires-best-jokes-of-all-time
That's enough, use the search
posted by theora55 at 8:52 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
www.metafilter.com/39614/GQs-100-Funniest-Jokes-of-All-Time
ask.metafilter.com/34705/Whats-the-funniest-joke-that-doesnt-involve-making-fun-of-anyone
ask.metafilter.com/29078/Good-clean-jokes
ask.metafilter.com/298205/All-out-of-jokes
www.metafilter.com/150113/Esquires-best-jokes-of-all-time
That's enough, use the search
posted by theora55 at 8:52 AM on May 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
There's also these dirty jokes - there are some real good ones that aren't particularly filty.
posted by plinth at 9:54 AM on May 4, 2020
posted by plinth at 9:54 AM on May 4, 2020
A search for "Tommy Cooper jokes" might be of use. (There seem to be many indistinguishable websites offering the same thing. . . I have no idea which is more useful.) A few may be blue, but they're blue in the style of 1960s prime time BBC broadcasts.
posted by eotvos at 10:31 AM on May 4, 2020
posted by eotvos at 10:31 AM on May 4, 2020
A couple, who own a Chinese restaurant, are laying in bed together.
The husband says "Wanna 69?"
The wife says "Why would I want a Broccoli with Beef?"
Why does a milking stool have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder.
A proctologist is going to write a prescription for a patient. He scribbles wildly and says to the nurse: My pen doesn't work! The nurse looks and says "that's not a pen, it's a rectal thermometer."
The doctor looks down and says "You're right! What asshole took my pen?"
posted by zerobyproxy at 10:34 AM on May 4, 2020
The husband says "Wanna 69?"
The wife says "Why would I want a Broccoli with Beef?"
Why does a milking stool have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder.
A proctologist is going to write a prescription for a patient. He scribbles wildly and says to the nurse: My pen doesn't work! The nurse looks and says "that's not a pen, it's a rectal thermometer."
The doctor looks down and says "You're right! What asshole took my pen?"
posted by zerobyproxy at 10:34 AM on May 4, 2020
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The P is silent.
I learned from this that my 76 year old dad did not know pterodactyl was spelled with a p.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 11:43 AM on May 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
The P is silent.
I learned from this that my 76 year old dad did not know pterodactyl was spelled with a p.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 11:43 AM on May 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Day 1:
What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Day 2:
The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor a $20. After a minute the vendor has not given him his change, so he asks, "Where's my change"?
"Change must come from within."
posted by nemutdero at 1:27 PM on May 4, 2020
What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Day 2:
The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor a $20. After a minute the vendor has not given him his change, so he asks, "Where's my change"?
"Change must come from within."
posted by nemutdero at 1:27 PM on May 4, 2020
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
posted by rekrap at 9:38 PM on May 4, 2020
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
posted by rekrap at 9:38 PM on May 4, 2020
I gave my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
I have this annoying friend who always tries to make me feel better. He says, "Cheer up! It could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground filled with water." I know he means well.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer.
Never get into a pillow fight with death. There would be serious reaper cushions.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philippe Filloppe.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:30 AM on May 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have this annoying friend who always tries to make me feel better. He says, "Cheer up! It could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground filled with water." I know he means well.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer.
Never get into a pillow fight with death. There would be serious reaper cushions.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philippe Filloppe.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:30 AM on May 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer.
-with no eyes and no legs? Still no ideer.
-with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking ideer.
Which reminds me, what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.99 and deer nuts are under a buck.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:33 AM on May 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
-with no eyes and no legs? Still no ideer.
-with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking ideer.
Which reminds me, what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.99 and deer nuts are under a buck.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:33 AM on May 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by googly at 7:14 PM on May 3, 2020 [5 favorites]