What to say to show love to distant family w/gambling addiction?

March 3, 2020 4:59 AM

What can I say in an email to show love and support to a distant family member whose gambling addiction has recently come to light?

It has recently become open-to-the-family knowledge that a family member is dealing with a gambling addiction. He says he's trying to get help but he's been struggling for a while and I'm sure that's gonna be hard with the best of efforts.

He lives far away and I don't know him very well. We've been related for 5 years or so by marriage. I see him for a few days at Thanksgiving, Christmas, summertime, stuff like that, but I really enjoy visiting with him. My kids love his kids, but aren't very close in age or otherwise.

I don't think I'm in a position to offer much tangible help but would like to email him to say I still love him and haven't turned my back on him because of this. I'm not sure what to say that would make him feel supported but not like I'm trying to lecture or influence him or something. Or if there's any other sort of help I could offer at this distance.

Even a few sentences might be enough to get this across, but I'd like to say it right.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (3 answers total)

I think it depends on whether he's talked to you about it directly already.

If not, I'd be inclined to wait until the next time you'd be in touch anyway - maybe a birthday or Easter, some other reason you might have for sending a card. Then pop in a note along the lines of "I'm sorry to hear from Aunt Blah that things have been a little rough recently - thinking of you and wishing you the best."

Otherwise, the sense that even family members he doesn't know very well are talking about him from afar and wanting to Get Involved is something that could just add to his shame.

If he has already broached the subject with you (I dunno - maybe you're both in a group chat where it's been discussed), rather than you hearing second hand, I think a short card with the same kind of brief message would just reassure him that you're thinking positively, rather than negatively, about the situation, without implying that you're angling to hear more about what he's going through.

For you, it's a big deal and you want to do something. But to him, you're probably just one of a multitude of people-he-doesn't-know-that-well-in-the-family and he's unlikely to be sitting there thinking "Why hasn't anon been in touch?"
posted by penguin pie at 5:52 AM on March 3, 2020 [11 favorites]

Follow up on penguin pie: if you're entitled to know this info, the comment "I still love him and haven't turned my back on him because of this" won't hurt. But one can't expect it to help either. He may, in fact, react badly to you but don't take it personally. Addiction distorts one's normal humanity. Your concern won't help because an addicts' recovery is totally up to the addict.

Been there (drugs, not gambling); didn't listen to people close to me who loved me--in fact, was often rude and aggressive in response to supportive communication, drove friends away who I didn't get back when I recovered, alas-- and went deeper and deeper into addiction. I've been clean for over 20 years so it's quite possible to recover. Alas, no one but the addict can recover.
posted by tmdonahue at 8:30 AM on March 3, 2020 [1 favorite]

I would just send nice things. Funny light memes, photos of kids or pets or family hangouts (only with relatives who are non-controversial to that person), articles about their hobbies, postcards from your travels, seasonal and birthday cards. All with kind, simple messages like "Thinking of you! Love, Anon"
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:51 PM on March 3, 2020