How can I still be in my friends' life when our paths are diverging?

January 18, 2020 2:40 PM

I'm finding it hard to keep doing things with this particular friend. He's a good friend but I feel like he doesn't want to grow up. In short our paths are going in very different and opposite ways. Moreover, he's depressive and I'm not sure how this is affecting the choices he makes.

So I'll start by talking about why me and this person are friends. We both like video games, we agree on a lot of stuff and we're just very close. We're both 26.

Ever since I graduated two years ago things have been taking a turn for the better. As soon as I got out of college, and started getting paid, I got into therapy and started getting my head fixed. I had a lot of unresolved issues I needed to fix. As a result of therapy I've discovered who I am, what I like, who I want to be, what I want to do and where I'd like to be.

I spent most of last year applying to grad school in Canada. I organized this year's schedule at the end of last year, I spend my free time learning about finance, math, programming languages and French. If I'm not doing that I'm looking into artistic and social activities to participate in, so that I can meet other people clear my mind a bit. I recently joined a scientific group in order to explore more about mathematical finance.

My friend on the other hand works for his father, his father's a lawyer and so is he, so he got a free job. He spends most of the day playing video games however, his job is easy and he doesn't do much at all. If he's not playing, he's off at some restaurant or doing something else. He's always asking me to play with him. I can't, I don't have the time and I just don't care about that anymore. He's always going on about his business ideas, but I always turn them down, I've told him that if he wants to do something like that he'll have to give up gaming and that he'll have to understand running a business is a tough job.

I really do want to open a business, it's what I intend to do in Canada after I finish up with grad school. It's also part of the reason why I spend so much time learning stuff. I won't be opening anything with him however.

I want to stay in his life but I don't know how to do so without compromising mine. I won't be around him much longer, when I leave for Canada, I leave for good, I don't intend to return, my plan is to stay there. I've got the know-how, the money and the connections.

Is there something I can do to keep being a part of his life? I've tried to do different things with him, but he doesn't want to do anything except play games.

posted by Tarsonis10 to Human Relations (10 answers total)

his father's a lawyer and so is he, so he got a free job

Going to law school and passing the bar exam seems like a grown-up thing to do.

It sounds like you're feeling a teensy bit superior to your friend. Do you find your pursuits more worthy than his? This might be a natural feeling as friends grow older and take different paths but try to be aware of your inclination to judge his pursuits as immature or easy or whatever. You're good friends and good friends are hard to find. When you move to a new country you may long for close connections.

It looks like you're going to have to play a game with him once in a while to stay connected. Or meet up with him at one of the restaurants he likes to go to and catch up. If you're close and good friends just being together is the reward. It's okay to be honest if you don't have time but maybe you can fit it in a game once a month or so. It's also okay not to go into business with good friends.

Good friends are a treasure. Especially the friends you know in your youth and formative years. If it's a priority to stay connected once you move, you can plan a visit, invite him to visit, and go online to play a game together once in a while.
posted by loveandhappiness at 3:18 PM on January 18, 2020 [17 favorites]

Well for starters, if you're going to keep up the idea that your choices are superior to his you should probably just let things go. The condescension will come through.

(if it helps any, remember that in 70 years you'll both be dead and the worms won't care how you spent your time)

Second of all, since you both like games I'd suggest gaming with him. I've kept in touch with remote friends for years via Mario Kart and online word games. It's important to have a standing appointment real time games, but turn-based games can idle on for days.

It's not the same as being there, but the side chat really helps us stay connected. When we do see each other we're able to pick up smoothly as the gap between us never gets so big that we have to pay serious catch up.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:24 PM on January 18, 2020

Response by poster: To clarify, it's not my intention to be condescending. Nonetheless, I understand what you guys are saying.

It's just that sometimes I wonder if he'd have a better learning experience with an outside job and not just what his father may get him.

I guess it's not my business though. I don't really mention those sorts of comments though, I know it would be wrong to do so. Also not getting into business with him, I politely told him that I wasn't interested the last time he asked.

I guess I can get uppity at times. I should probably focus in myself instead of doing that.
posted by Tarsonis10 at 3:55 PM on January 18, 2020

I wonder if he'd have a better learning experience with an outside job and not just what his father may get him.
I guess it's not my business though.

He would. It's not.
It's fine to let friendships fade. The fastest way to end this friendship is to tell him what to do with his life. I think you should let this friendship fade for a bit with the hope that he'll catch up at some point. Don't kill the friendship with honesty just put it on hold due to life circumstances for a while.
posted by Uncle at 5:22 PM on January 18, 2020

He may be thinking that your devotion to your career blocks you from being more available to do other pro-social things. There's a chance he's feeling a little superior to you, too. Neither of you are right.
posted by amtho at 6:25 PM on January 18, 2020 [3 favorites]

All you have to do is keep in touch and ask how he’s doing periodically. It’s not your job to be his life coach unless he comes to you asking for advice and help. It doesn’t even sound like he’s unhappy about the way his life is, more like you’re unhappy he doesn’t acknowledge your life is better, or something. (Lots of people have friends and think “boy am I glad my life is not like that”—but that’s because it takes all kinds in life, not because life is one big competition.)
posted by sallybrown at 6:44 PM on January 18, 2020 [2 favorites]

I’m not sure I really understand what’s motivating you to keep him in your life. You don’t really explain how the relationship serves you, if at all, which is fairly crucial information.
posted by unstrungharp at 2:45 AM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

There’s an undertone of resentment throughout your question, as if you are a self-made person and your friend has been handed everything in life. It’s ok to have these feelings. It can be quite natural when a friend lacks self-awareness about their privilege.

Unfortunately, resentment will ruin a friendship. Your friend will pick up on it. The cure is at least partly being aware of your own privilege and how it has carried you to where you are. No one is a self-made man. No one is going to grad school for CS/finance (or grad school at all, but these fields in particular) without some privilege.

I’m not saying things have been easy for you, or that you haven’t had to work harder than your friend has, perhaps. But recognition and gratitude for what you do have will go a long way to neutralize resentment and to preserve this friendship, if that’s what you decide you want to do.
posted by unstrungharp at 3:21 AM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

After college life paths tend to be much more varied and that’s ok. Up until that point your life and experiences were quite aligned with your cohort and there were plenty of people doing the exact same thing at the same stage in life to develop friendships with. After that point some people work, some continue in education, there is a great chance that the people you knew growing up live elsewhere and the people you went to college with are all over the place. In any sport, hobby or at work you’ll now be dealing with a much less homogeneous group of people, some at very different stages in life, so you may not have much in common outside that shared pursuit. As a result, a lot of friendships made until that point have to adapt or fade and a lot of new ones centre around the specific activity you share with that person and are limited to that.

So he doesn’t share a lot of your new interests and short-term plans, that’s ok. For the time being he can be your gaming buddy and you can stay in touch that way. It sounds as if you’re actively developing new friendships over your other interests so if he shows an interest in these things, great, you can share a bit, if not, that’s also ok because you can share these things with your new friends. You don’t have to become his business partner if you don’t want to. He’ll have to explore that with other people or alone but unless he actively seeks your advice perhaps don’t tell him his ideas are pipe dreams?

If you start to have more in common again in the future you can start to bond over other things again. And at some point reminiscing about your youth is something you may both enjoy.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:43 AM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

Hi, I'm also a privileged depressive with low career aspirations and a friend in a PHD program. We talk on the phone sometimes, and email, and meet up in person when it's convenient. As long as you have things to talk about and are capable of confiding in each other to some degree, there's no reason you shouldn't be friends. With regard to gaming, it's a hobby I've given up on and come back to periodically, but it's always been a fun way to relate to people. If you still like games but just don't have the time to play them, maybe you would like reading about games (blogs), or hearing about them (podcasts), and talking about them with your friend sometimes. Or just tell him you hate games and it's fine that he likes them but you'd rather talk about anything else. He probably likes other stuff, and if he doesn't, uh... I guess that's his problem to deal with.
posted by mammal at 12:21 AM on January 20, 2020