Experiences with changing your life in your 30s
January 18, 2020 8:32 AM Subscribe
Have you or someone you know gone through a process of self-reinvention in your early thirties? What was your experience, and what do you wish you'd known?
I'm 32 years old and for complicated reasons I've found myself in a place in my life where I want to totally upend my understanding of romance, friendship, creativity, work, etc etc. I want to be confident where I was uncertain, risk-taking where I had craved stability, open to new interests and people where I had been standoffish, nurturing and responsible for others where I had been focused on myself. Have you or someone you know gone through a similar process of reinvention (especially in terms of romance but not exclusively) at this stage in life, successfully or unsuccessfully? Or if you have, say, a novel you would recommend, that would be good too.
I'm 32 years old and for complicated reasons I've found myself in a place in my life where I want to totally upend my understanding of romance, friendship, creativity, work, etc etc. I want to be confident where I was uncertain, risk-taking where I had craved stability, open to new interests and people where I had been standoffish, nurturing and responsible for others where I had been focused on myself. Have you or someone you know gone through a similar process of reinvention (especially in terms of romance but not exclusively) at this stage in life, successfully or unsuccessfully? Or if you have, say, a novel you would recommend, that would be good too.
I wasn’t happy with my 12 year career working in laboratory/healthcare so I decided to do some traveling and then serve in Americorps for 1 year teaching technology skills to the low income. You get a small stipend, health insurance, and a $6,000 scholarship for student loans or future tuition. I’m about 5 months in my year of service and happy about my decision. I’m originally from California and I moved to Minnesota for Americorps. It feels a bit like studying abroad for me as Minnesotan winters are an experience that will probably make winters in most other U.S. locales feel like a piece of cake.
posted by mundo at 9:35 AM on January 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by mundo at 9:35 AM on January 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Everyone I know, or at least everyone who didn't hang on to their twenties waaaay too long, did this in some way. Call it growing up, call it Saturn Return, call it being old enough to have a much better idea of who you want to be and better tools for implementing it.
It won't be the last time you go through this, it happens about every 8-12 years.
There is no one weird trick, you will have to put some introspection into this and at points you're also going to take some leaps of faith. A lot of people will say "I did X Very Specific Action and it changed my life" not realizing that it wasn't X that did the trick, it's just the making of a change. You could go skydiving once OR move to Asia and start a youtube channel OR spend a summer doing manual labor at a fish cannery OR drop the people in your life who are dragging you down and start eating vegetables (maybe by just changing your social activities and buying vegetables, maybe by spending a season at a monastery retreat) and a couple of years later point to any one of those things as Life-Changing. It's really just about facing your fears and expanding your worldview, whatever opportunities you find or make for yourself and say yes to.
I think if you have the opportunity to go start over somewhere new, that's one way to shake off the things that are holding you back if you have a lot of external ballast - friends you've outgrown, family you could use some distance from, a routine that's super hard to shake, limited work opportunities, etc. But it's also possible to change how you live and who you keep closest without doing that, if it's just not something that can work for you. And neither option is going to get you away from yourself, so that's a challenge you have to tackle no matter how far you go or don't.
This is definitely a great time to try therapy. Most of us are a little too self-involved for most of our twenties (for totally legitimate developmental reasons - your brain doesn't finish transitioning to a fully-developed adult configuration until your mid-20s) to do extraordinary work there, and I think of early 30s as a stage where a lot of people finally have enough adult experience to have opinions about it.
Some of the things you try will fail. There will be things you convince yourself are the best goals and you will figure out later that you had ulterior motives (or magical thinking) you weren't letting yourself look directly at. You may, periodically, be an asshole and not realize it until later. This is all part of the process, but it's okay to try to minimize the damage to other people and self-destruction along the way.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:40 AM on January 18, 2020 [34 favorites]
It won't be the last time you go through this, it happens about every 8-12 years.
There is no one weird trick, you will have to put some introspection into this and at points you're also going to take some leaps of faith. A lot of people will say "I did X Very Specific Action and it changed my life" not realizing that it wasn't X that did the trick, it's just the making of a change. You could go skydiving once OR move to Asia and start a youtube channel OR spend a summer doing manual labor at a fish cannery OR drop the people in your life who are dragging you down and start eating vegetables (maybe by just changing your social activities and buying vegetables, maybe by spending a season at a monastery retreat) and a couple of years later point to any one of those things as Life-Changing. It's really just about facing your fears and expanding your worldview, whatever opportunities you find or make for yourself and say yes to.
I think if you have the opportunity to go start over somewhere new, that's one way to shake off the things that are holding you back if you have a lot of external ballast - friends you've outgrown, family you could use some distance from, a routine that's super hard to shake, limited work opportunities, etc. But it's also possible to change how you live and who you keep closest without doing that, if it's just not something that can work for you. And neither option is going to get you away from yourself, so that's a challenge you have to tackle no matter how far you go or don't.
This is definitely a great time to try therapy. Most of us are a little too self-involved for most of our twenties (for totally legitimate developmental reasons - your brain doesn't finish transitioning to a fully-developed adult configuration until your mid-20s) to do extraordinary work there, and I think of early 30s as a stage where a lot of people finally have enough adult experience to have opinions about it.
Some of the things you try will fail. There will be things you convince yourself are the best goals and you will figure out later that you had ulterior motives (or magical thinking) you weren't letting yourself look directly at. You may, periodically, be an asshole and not realize it until later. This is all part of the process, but it's okay to try to minimize the damage to other people and self-destruction along the way.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:40 AM on January 18, 2020 [34 favorites]
We had our first kid when I was 34. Completely changed my life.
I threw away my 20's, and it took a long time to accept that.
posted by nickggully at 11:13 AM on January 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
I threw away my 20's, and it took a long time to accept that.
posted by nickggully at 11:13 AM on January 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
Freshly divorced and somewhat burnt out on my career, at 34 I sold everything I owned and wandered around the world for a year or so.
Everything you do, everyone you know, every place you are familiar with reflects the version of yourself you are now. Friends in particular know "you" and in their presence change can be very difficult.
Cutting the cord is immensely powerful because it frees you to try out a new you every day. When no one knows you, you can be anyone you want. Once you've had a chance to try out and settle on who you want to be, you can return home with a fresh confidence in who you are.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:21 AM on January 18, 2020 [9 favorites]
Everything you do, everyone you know, every place you are familiar with reflects the version of yourself you are now. Friends in particular know "you" and in their presence change can be very difficult.
Cutting the cord is immensely powerful because it frees you to try out a new you every day. When no one knows you, you can be anyone you want. Once you've had a chance to try out and settle on who you want to be, you can return home with a fresh confidence in who you are.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:21 AM on January 18, 2020 [9 favorites]
At age 31, I quit my job after having saved up for travel for the previous year. I was feeling stuck after being in a post-breakup period and getting nowhere with online dating. I felt like I was stuck and needed a major change of everything. So off I went, first doing a year of overseas work and travel through New Zealand. That led to another 6 month stint of solo backpacking through India.
This all changed the course of my life. I mainly did it to open myself to new experiences, opportunities and people, and get myself out of an unhealthy cycle of repetition. I would say it was a success. I met my now-husband in my travels, moved to his home country, started a new career there and had a child.
This approach is not for everyone, but 12 years later I can say it had a positive effect on how my life turned out. The initial big decision led to a waterfall of events that led me to where I am today.
posted by exquisite_deluxe at 12:40 PM on January 18, 2020 [6 favorites]
This all changed the course of my life. I mainly did it to open myself to new experiences, opportunities and people, and get myself out of an unhealthy cycle of repetition. I would say it was a success. I met my now-husband in my travels, moved to his home country, started a new career there and had a child.
This approach is not for everyone, but 12 years later I can say it had a positive effect on how my life turned out. The initial big decision led to a waterfall of events that led me to where I am today.
posted by exquisite_deluxe at 12:40 PM on January 18, 2020 [6 favorites]
Wholehearted agree with what Lyn Never said above, but still came in for one more anecdata point:
I could have written your question in May 2017. I was 32 at that time. I had been so unhappy for so long that I got used to the discontent and thought that's all that life was. And [specific catalyst] happened, and I felt very certain that something had to change. I wrote myself an email reminder of that resolve (which I read daily for a while), went on a short trip to clear my head, and started therapy.
I gave everything I got in therapy. I practiced the breathing and grounding techniques my therapist taught me every day. I developed a daily journaling habit that helps me sit with and process my fears (so that I can eventually also recognize my excitement and curiosity about the world). Journaling also helps me identify my thought patterns and tendencies. I read everything I could get on personal development. I formed many new and healthier habits and patterns. I slowly changed how I relate to and engage with other people. This work has been challenging and substantial, and there have been many times when I experienced so much pain and fear I thought I was going to explode. But I didn't explode, instead I became able to really feel similarly bone-deep joy and pleasure.
I am still very much a work in progress, and I fumble often. I am 35 right now. Life feels so rich and fulfilling to me these days, I have a really hard time imagining that just 2.5 years ago I wouldn't have minded (in fact would kind of be relieved) if a bus ran me over.
posted by redwaterman at 1:48 PM on January 18, 2020 [6 favorites]
I could have written your question in May 2017. I was 32 at that time. I had been so unhappy for so long that I got used to the discontent and thought that's all that life was. And [specific catalyst] happened, and I felt very certain that something had to change. I wrote myself an email reminder of that resolve (which I read daily for a while), went on a short trip to clear my head, and started therapy.
I gave everything I got in therapy. I practiced the breathing and grounding techniques my therapist taught me every day. I developed a daily journaling habit that helps me sit with and process my fears (so that I can eventually also recognize my excitement and curiosity about the world). Journaling also helps me identify my thought patterns and tendencies. I read everything I could get on personal development. I formed many new and healthier habits and patterns. I slowly changed how I relate to and engage with other people. This work has been challenging and substantial, and there have been many times when I experienced so much pain and fear I thought I was going to explode. But I didn't explode, instead I became able to really feel similarly bone-deep joy and pleasure.
I am still very much a work in progress, and I fumble often. I am 35 right now. Life feels so rich and fulfilling to me these days, I have a really hard time imagining that just 2.5 years ago I wouldn't have minded (in fact would kind of be relieved) if a bus ran me over.
posted by redwaterman at 1:48 PM on January 18, 2020 [6 favorites]
*Not that therapy is the only way. It just happened to work well for me. My point is mostly that it's hard but worthwhile and rewarding work. And that I think it's possible.
posted by redwaterman at 1:49 PM on January 18, 2020
posted by redwaterman at 1:49 PM on January 18, 2020
I grew up in a fairly traditional home, and as a girl, a child of an immigrant, and Protestant, I was presented with a set of expectations from society, that shaped who I thought I had to become and what my life would look like. It took until my mid-30s to dismantle each of those pressures, one by one, and examine which of them were truly what I wanted, and which were not.
Why’d it take until my 30s? I had moved away from my family, I had finished graduate school, I was facing an impending wedding I didn’t want, and I had a job and a career that could support me. If any of those factors hadn’t existed, I wouldn’t be where am I today. Which is immensely much happier and more at peace with myself.
I hope you also find the same happiness and peace, whatever you do. For me, it’s been worth every sacrifice. I am a better person - more compassionate, more assured, more confident - than I have ever been before.
posted by umwhat at 3:25 PM on January 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
Why’d it take until my 30s? I had moved away from my family, I had finished graduate school, I was facing an impending wedding I didn’t want, and I had a job and a career that could support me. If any of those factors hadn’t existed, I wouldn’t be where am I today. Which is immensely much happier and more at peace with myself.
I hope you also find the same happiness and peace, whatever you do. For me, it’s been worth every sacrifice. I am a better person - more compassionate, more assured, more confident - than I have ever been before.
posted by umwhat at 3:25 PM on January 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
Me and my partner met in our mid-30's, moved in together, got a dog, are having a baby, and feel like we are finally the adults we are meant to be which is wonderful, often exhausting, sometimes stressful, but it's the full deal that I asked for, that was literally my wish, someone who wanted to experience the full deal of the strange wonder of life and really be there with me. I'd had some pretty good relationships before that but wanted to find someone I could be friends with, who loved my son as much as I did, and wanted to become a family.
My partner was pretty unmotivated in his job and life up to then and hadn't had a serious relationship in a long time (he's since changed jobs a couple times). He jokes/notes it took him a while to hit his stride and figure out what he wanted when we talk about our lives up to now. I was hanging onto some habits that were holding me back from being more balanced and stable as well.
Traveling or any sort of change can be helpful because it pulls you out of your usual context, music, groups, courses, books can all do that too. 30's is still quite young, that's a helpful mindset and very true. I have friends older than me (40's, 50's 60's) still learning and discovering and contributing, you've got time. It's cliche but I did a yoga teacher training program that was a year long and I made some wonderful friends and it facilitated a lot of the work I needed to do. It took me a few good years to do the work (so yes, therapy and reading and reflecting) to attune myself to the kind of person I wanted to attract and be attracted to and be more myself.
Good questions are what is important to you? What are your values? What do you respect in others? What do you want to be able to say in 1 year, in 5 years, in 10 years? The end of your life? Are you spending time on the things important to you? What makes you feel alive? Do you make time for those things? Can you be kind to yourself? Accept yourself even as you are right now?
And what I wish I'd known was that it seemed so daunting at the time to do the work, to face a lot of trauma and family trauma and feel my feelings and assert myself, but it's when it feels almost impossible that you're on the verge of being through it. That's been my experience at least. At first it feels endless and impossible and then it feels tractable again. Your sense of self shifts and changes and you become more content in small peaceful ways. Waves that settle down over time. I like the metaphor of shaking up a snow globe, all the stuff comes up but eventually settles again, or a lake with sediment and over time as the waves dredge things up there's less stuff muddying the water and it settles more quickly.
posted by lafemma at 6:01 PM on January 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
My partner was pretty unmotivated in his job and life up to then and hadn't had a serious relationship in a long time (he's since changed jobs a couple times). He jokes/notes it took him a while to hit his stride and figure out what he wanted when we talk about our lives up to now. I was hanging onto some habits that were holding me back from being more balanced and stable as well.
Traveling or any sort of change can be helpful because it pulls you out of your usual context, music, groups, courses, books can all do that too. 30's is still quite young, that's a helpful mindset and very true. I have friends older than me (40's, 50's 60's) still learning and discovering and contributing, you've got time. It's cliche but I did a yoga teacher training program that was a year long and I made some wonderful friends and it facilitated a lot of the work I needed to do. It took me a few good years to do the work (so yes, therapy and reading and reflecting) to attune myself to the kind of person I wanted to attract and be attracted to and be more myself.
Good questions are what is important to you? What are your values? What do you respect in others? What do you want to be able to say in 1 year, in 5 years, in 10 years? The end of your life? Are you spending time on the things important to you? What makes you feel alive? Do you make time for those things? Can you be kind to yourself? Accept yourself even as you are right now?
And what I wish I'd known was that it seemed so daunting at the time to do the work, to face a lot of trauma and family trauma and feel my feelings and assert myself, but it's when it feels almost impossible that you're on the verge of being through it. That's been my experience at least. At first it feels endless and impossible and then it feels tractable again. Your sense of self shifts and changes and you become more content in small peaceful ways. Waves that settle down over time. I like the metaphor of shaking up a snow globe, all the stuff comes up but eventually settles again, or a lake with sediment and over time as the waves dredge things up there's less stuff muddying the water and it settles more quickly.
posted by lafemma at 6:01 PM on January 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
At 32, I got divorced, quit my highly remunerative and successful career in NYC, sold everything and went backpacking for 2.5 years. Eventually I met my (business) partner and ended up opening bars, clubs, restaurants or hotels in Spain, then Guatemala, then Argentina, then Spain again. Soooooo glad I practically had a breakdown all those years ago and threw away what was, to most of my friend's eyes, the American dream.
About to reinvent my life again...stay tuned!
posted by conifer at 12:54 AM on January 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
About to reinvent my life again...stay tuned!
posted by conifer at 12:54 AM on January 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
At 35 I realized I didn't want children, divorced my husband, moved to a different city where I barely knew anyone and started dating someone new. I changed the focus of my career as well. It was different than the time I had uprooted/changed my life in my 20's, because my friends weren't going through the same thing -- most were settling down, starting families, and I felt like I was a train jumping the tracks. Turns out I was just headed to a different, and much better suited to me, destination. Definitely the right call -- you're not too old to course-correct.
posted by egeanin at 10:52 AM on January 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by egeanin at 10:52 AM on January 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
At 30 I quit my job to go back to school for a master's in a different (but tangentially related) field, then ended up staying for a PhD. During my PhD I got amicably divorced. After I finished my PhD I moved to Europe for a series of postdocs (and became fluent in a foreign language along the way), and now I'm here at 43 rather fed up with academia thinking about doing something different. So I second the comments above that this is something that arrives every 8-12 years.
In terms of advice, I would say, practice saying yes to things, in a 'why not, I'll give that a try' way. Don't be afraid of failure or feeling new and stupid at something, even better is to cultivate an appreciation f failure as a necessary part of change and risk-taking. If you're trying to change, your first try isn't necessarily going to be perfect. Try to find joy in the process and not just the result. Recognize that uncertainty is going to feel uncomfortable and find ways to accept that. Realize that the feelings of anxiety and excitement are similar, and try to lean into the excitement side. Good luck!
posted by orchidee at 12:43 PM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
In terms of advice, I would say, practice saying yes to things, in a 'why not, I'll give that a try' way. Don't be afraid of failure or feeling new and stupid at something, even better is to cultivate an appreciation f failure as a necessary part of change and risk-taking. If you're trying to change, your first try isn't necessarily going to be perfect. Try to find joy in the process and not just the result. Recognize that uncertainty is going to feel uncomfortable and find ways to accept that. Realize that the feelings of anxiety and excitement are similar, and try to lean into the excitement side. Good luck!
posted by orchidee at 12:43 PM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yea I hope what you're describing is okay, because I'm 30 and I feel like this is the first good year of my life. I'm not on any kind of a trajectory toward anything radically new, but I've left a lot behind and I can't really say what the next year is going to look like, or the year after, and I would hate to return to any of the years previous. Reinvention appears to be the only option.
Oh and what you said about being nurturing and responsible toward others seems like a good impulse, you should do that.
posted by mammal at 12:49 AM on January 20, 2020
Oh and what you said about being nurturing and responsible toward others seems like a good impulse, you should do that.
posted by mammal at 12:49 AM on January 20, 2020
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I also felt very far from my roots as a visual artist (teaching consumes all that).
At the time I was the main earner, and I had no backup plan.
I was very lucky, and found an online teaching position that gave me the flexibility I needed.
I also discovered that I'm a writer, and have written several books since then. Finding this new part of myself was a tremendous gift, like discovering a magical treasure in a dusty attic.
What have I learned? To some extent, you can change yourself (or rather, discover new aspects of yourself).
It is much easier if you have a supportive partner.
Letting go of your safety net can sometimes be necessary if you want to find something new.
People will try to "help" you back to where you were before, because thats the network you have in place at the moment.
You can't really change yourself more than a certain extent - ten years later, I'm once again in the position of wanting to find something different. I'll probably make smaller changes this time.
posted by Zumbador at 9:09 AM on January 18, 2020 [13 favorites]