Long term relationship issue, doubts, problems

January 18, 2020 10:40 AM

So, I (33 year old girl) am in a long term relationship, almost 12 years with a guy (35) we've been living together for past 8 years. I've started having doubts about our relationship long time ago, the guy had problems with an addiction and for all those years I've been trying to make him quit, yet he couldn't. A year and a half ago we broke up for a few days.

He managed to convince me to stay, promising everything will be different once he stops smoking. That break up kind of opened his eyes and he hasn't smoked since. I'm very proud of him. But one and a half years from that day he quit has passed and I'm not convinced I want to stay with him. I feel that I lost something for him, some part of love and respect and I cannot seem to get it back. Another thing is through those years I've developed some relationships with other guys (no sex, but flirting, a time or two kissing,chatting) and I can't get rid of the idea of spending more time with those guys,getting to know them better. My boyfriend loves me, I see that every day, and he wants to be with me but I can't appreciate him as much as he deserves. I've been living with that idea in my head of being alone for a long time now and I never had a chance to experience it. So I kind of feel trapped cause everything now is okay in our relationship, no big issues in general, but within myself I feel doubts, why do I wanna be alone,why I still remember those other guys and imagine meeting them again, why I'm not satisfied with what I have.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Please, some advice would be nice.

posted by arakrual2020 to Human Relations (12 answers total)

A lot of peoples' 20s-relationships don't survive into their 30s. People grow and change too much and not in harmonious ways. And relationships aren't bulletproof: the damage that gets done remains, sometimes well-patched but sometimes the damage is structural and the cracks start to emerge eventually.

You don't have to stay in a relationship just because it's blandly okay at the moment. It doesn't have to be horrific to justify leaving; you just have to not want to do it anymore. You're allowed to want more than this.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:46 AM on January 18, 2020 [18 favorites]

It's always fine to break up for non-dramatic reasons. If you're feeling like you want to find out who you are without being in a relationship, that's absolutely a legitimate reason to part.
posted by quince at 11:01 AM on January 18, 2020 [6 favorites]

Consider this your “starter marriage” and “divorce” him now. You’re so young! Enjoy your new lease in life!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:22 AM on January 18, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is not a prison sentence; you can break up.
The honest truth seems to be that this relationship has run its course and you're just not that into him.
It's no one's fault, no one has to feel guilty, and you are only responsible for your actions and your life.
Break up, move out, move on.
posted by Bill Watches Movies Podcast at 11:41 AM on January 18, 2020 [3 favorites]

Helping him kick an addiction was a huge gift. You left him better than you found him! Go. Break up kindly and with zero guilt.
(Even if he backslides after you split, you helped him quit once so quitting any addiction again will be easier for him for the rest of his life! Still a net win).
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:51 AM on January 18, 2020 [1 favorite]

I know you don't want to hurt him, and of course he won't believe this in the moment, but the kindest thing you can do for him IN THE LONG RUN is break up with him now. Let him find someone else who wants to be with him 100%. You've been with one person most of your adult life! It's normal that you want to explore being single and dating other people. Go do that, before your flirtations turn into real cheating. Trust me, that is not something you want to live with.
posted by yawper at 12:11 PM on January 18, 2020 [2 favorites]

I think what’s happening here is codependency. The problem with feeling responsible for another person’s addictions and doing the work for them is that they will never appreciate your sacrifice enough. It may seem as though you need to fix another person in a relationship because it’s a selfless act, but it’s really not. You got something out of it too, and now you lost respect for your partner because you are more invested in their recovery than in them as a person. This is so common and you don’t need to beat yourself up about it, but you’ll continue to feel this way with every partner if you don’t confront these unhealthy patterns.

Before you make any decisions about this relationship or pursue another relationship, explore these codependent tendencies. Explore why you cultivated relationships on the back burner while you were in this one and why you feel like it was your responsibility to get your boyfriend to quit smoking. There are a lot of good books about codependency (this one changed my life) but a therapist can do so much more than a book if you find one you can be honest with to explore these patterns.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 12:16 PM on January 18, 2020 [2 favorites]

May I suggest you start thinking of yourself as a woman, not as a girl? Eight years have passed since you took up with this man. Obviously this relationship is not the one you want to be living in as an adult woman.

Break up as civilly as you can and go live alone for awhile. You're an adult but you're still young, and there are other possible lives waiting for you.
posted by zadcat at 12:19 PM on January 18, 2020 [15 favorites]

“Go, even though you love him.
Go, even though he is kind and faithful and dear to you.
Go, even though he's your best friend and you're his.
Go, even though you can't imagine your life without him.
Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.
Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.
Go, even though you once said you would stay.
Go, even though you're afraid of being alone.
Go, even though you're sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.
Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
Go, even though you don't know exactly why you can't stay.
Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough.”

― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar
posted by MiraK at 12:40 PM on January 18, 2020 [12 favorites]

I came to suggest the same Dear Sugar column as MiraK, you can read the whole thing here. But in summary, yes, wanting to leave is enough and you don't need to find a 'good enough' reason beyond you don't want to be in this relationship anymore.
posted by orchidee at 12:51 PM on January 19, 2020

Here is what has helped me make hard decisions about letting something go/making a change.

You are 33. With luck you could easily live another 60 years, or more. Do you want the next 60 years to be like this, or even more so? Do you see yourself being healthy or happy or glad about your life when you die, after that many years with this person/in this situation? The answer to that will tell you what to do now.

As for hestitating...of course you don't know if you have 60+ years. None of us knows how much we get. Life is short even for the lucky; do you want to spend any more of it in this situation?

If you can think through these questions, you can often get to your answer. The best of luck to you.
posted by emjaybee at 6:14 PM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

I went through something very similar, albeit in the role of your partner (both early thirties, 10+ years together, having gone through difficult times in which my girlfriend helped me a lot). She broke up with me, a decision which took her a long time to make.

So, first of all, I feel for you. This is tough.

Even though I still feel sad we're not together anymore, I can see now that the relationship had run its course. I respect my ex-partner for the way she broke up with me, and admire her for the courageous thing that she did for herself. It helped me to grow as a person, too. I came out of it stronger and more resilient.

What I could have done without, though, was the distinct feeling that she had lost respect for me long before the breakup happened and was with me in spite of that for a while. Also, she left me for someone else. So please, don't do that.
posted by Desertshore at 1:23 AM on January 20, 2020 [1 favorite]