great guy, bad sex, what should i do?

September 3, 2008 1:46 PM

great guy, bad sex, what should i do?

Here's my dilemma. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 1/2. And we have just moved in together. He is an amazingly sweet, caring person, and makes me feel loved and important. We have the same interests, and can laugh together. So what's the problem:

The problem is that i have never been particularly sexually attracted to him. This is complicated by the fact that he suffers from premature ejaculation, and i don't just mean a little bit. I mean less than a minute, each time. And we've tried to work on it. We've talked about it. I've been very patient and sensitive about it. It has not gotten better. He said that with his ex, who he was together with for 5 years, that it got 'a bit' better, like maybe 2 or 3 min.

Sex is important to me. Sex with him isn't awful, but its not satisfying, either. And, I think it is making me less attracted to him in general. Although, as i said, i was never super attracted to him. He kind of grew on me because he is such a nice person. I feel like a jerk, and i'm thinking of ending it with him. Not JUST because of the premature ejaculation issue, but because of the general lack of sexual chemistry.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do? Advice, please?

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

You're not a jerk for wondering what it is you want. You need to be frank with him and ask him to make efforts to make things better. People can do pretty well with therapy regarding that stuff. If he gets better on the premature ejaculation, then you can reevaluate. Otherwise, at some point you'll need to do something for your own happiness.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:04 PM on September 3, 2008

Not to be crude but could he try firing off a practice round before the real deal?
posted by ian1977 at 2:05 PM on September 3, 2008 [6 favorites]

sexual chemistry has alot to do with whether or not a relationship will last or not. If you are even considering ending it with him bc of lack of sexual chemistry then by all means do it. It seems as though as yall would have made better friends than lovers. thats my 2 cents
posted by kowboy at 2:06 PM on September 3, 2008

Look into a strap-on for him. I hear those things stay hard. This will definitely work: when you're close to coming he can pull out, take off the strap-on (or just push it aside), and get right back in there for the final minute. You both get off, and simultaneously too. This is a win-win strategy.
posted by trueluk at 2:08 PM on September 3, 2008

Erm...

Besides the obvious recommendation of Viagra (which can help, I've heard, though haven't tried it myself)... does he otherwise deign to service you? There are other ways he can make it fulfilling, I would hope.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do to suddenly make him attractive to you. The girls I've dated who were less physically attractive to me at the onset of the relationship became moreso because of how attracted I grew to their personality.

Close your eyes and fantasize? Make him work on making you feel good?

Be open and honest about how it's not working and he needs to throw down a bit more, even if not fixing the ejaculation stuff.

But yeah, sexual compatibility is a big deal and could conceivably bring things down.
posted by disillusioned at 2:11 PM on September 3, 2008

If you're not attracted to him, break it off. It will never last if you're "settling".

If you're NOT settling, then there are ways around it. Oral. Desensitizing condoms and creams. Visiting his physician to discuss the issue. Etc.

But it sounds like you're not that into him, so break it off sooner than later.
posted by arniec at 2:14 PM on September 3, 2008

Mmm. Delicate situation. Let's focus on your statement: "Sex is important to me."

Here's what sometimes gets lost in the shuffle: sexual compatibility is part of good couplehood for many people. Somehow, there's often the perception that it's superficial to reject a person who is right on all fronts other than the sexual compatibility one.

Try this exercise: replace the word "sex" with another relationship-oriented noun of your choice, e.g., "'compassion' is important to me." Suppose he didn't have that? Would you feel as bad about ending things if the noun were non-sexual? I'm guessing not. The point being that sexual chemistry is a, er, loaded issue that makes people feel superficial for latching onto it as a deal breaker. But...it's okay for it to be a deal breaker, because, in fact, it's important to you. Ultimately, it doesn't matter WHAT is important to you relationshipwise, it matters that it IS important to you.

I know you feel like a jerk for contemplating ending your relationship over this, but I really do think you wouldn't feel like such a jerk if the issue weren't sex-related. But even though it's sex-related, it's like any other kind of problem: he is offering X, you want Y. And X isn't showing up at all, despite your efforts to make it do so.

He may be an amazing "sweet, caring person" who makes you feel "loved and important." But ultimately, you're not attracted to him and I venture to guess that some resentment is brewin' because you've tried to work through this issue and it's not happening. You use the words "unsatisfying" and "less attracted." Do you see how those overshadow the "sweet" and "caring" description you use intially? It's almost as if you're trying to convince yourself to stay, which for me has always been a bad sign.

You're probably going to get a fair amount of advice here stating that you should do him a favor, end things, and let him find someone who likes him as is. In turn, you are also doing yourself a favor by opening yourself up to the possibility of finding someone who can give you what you say is important to you. And that's where I stand, too, which I know is easier said than done.

PS-I've been through this situation and make no apologies for bailing on that relationship, because even though he was a great guy who treated me well, he couldn't give me what I needed, which was intimacy and a sense of compatibility on all levels. (Of course, I didn't tell him that because I thought it was too ego crushing for a guy to hear that.) I couldn't imagine spending my life, or even a year of it, being unsatisfied with something that was so important to me.
posted by December at 2:16 PM on September 3, 2008 [8 favorites]

Edit: I meant, Y isn't showing up at all, despite your efforts.
posted by December at 2:18 PM on September 3, 2008

Has he tried kegels? Google it for better instructions.

It takes at least six weeks of a couple of sets a day (at least it did for me) to get to the point where a man can have multiple orgasms without ejaculating. If he is not willing to commit to a simple and painless kegel exercise routine for six weeks, then he is not willing to fulfill your needs and you should hit the road or send him packing.
posted by cinemafiend at 2:30 PM on September 3, 2008

It's always something. Well, not really, but it's FREQUENTLY something. You need to make your own judgment call as to whether his strengths, relative to others, outweigh his weaknesses. Though they involve emissions, sometimes premature ones, relationships aren't like an emissions test, in which your car has to pass a checklist of minimum or maximum thresholds, and once all the boxes are checked it's a keeper; they're more like a road test, in which ease of handling might matter more than highway speed. YMMV.

Up above, some said that you shouldn't apologize for failing him on this criterion, and that it's not superficial of you to do so. I think that is good advice, and it's useful to try to counteract any excessive hesitancy you may have on this score.

That said, I think a strong case can be made to the effect that our society systematically over-emphasizes and reinforces the significance of sexual chemistry to relationships -- esp. as it relates to someone's physical appearance, which (as I think you suggest) has affected you as well. You shouldn't feel guilty about feeling the way you do. But it may be productive to assess WHY you feel the way you do. Especially since -- and I know I'm going to bring the AARP down on me now (say, that sounds salacious) -- I'd wager that the relative importance of sexual chemistry diminishes over the long haul.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 2:37 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

He can read, question you, and practice how to be a better lover. After ejaculating prematurely, he can please you other ways, until he's ready for another try, and may be able to go longer. Is he motivated to be better? What with the wide open internet, and Ask.Me, there's plenty of great info available.

If my ex- had been a really great guy, but crappy sex partner, we'd still be happily together.
posted by theora55 at 2:51 PM on September 3, 2008

It does not sound like he has had any professional help in how to go about dealing with this problem. I recommending buying a copy of The New Male Sexuality and tell him it is really, really important that he work through the exercises in that book diligently and you will be as patient and supportive as you can while he does. If he really follows directions and it still doesn't help, he might want to consult a sex therapist (his choice, obviously, but does seem to affect his quality of life). If he isn't willing to do the exercises and work on his problem, then you have to assume the situation is not going to change and make the decision about what is best for you in this picture.
posted by metahawk at 2:54 PM on September 3, 2008

And we've tried to work on it. We've talked about it.

You can talk about it 24/7 and it's not going to accomplish anything. If he's not willing to see a doctor or try some of the other suggestions in this thread, there is nothing you can do except decide whether to stay or go.

See if he's willing to work on it (beyond just talking), and if not, follow December's advice above.
posted by desjardins at 3:13 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't think you're a jerk. But why not try redefining "sex" a little bit--perhaps suggest that in a sexual encounter, the two of you don't have intercourse until you've already had an orgasm? In other words, lots and lots of oral/manual/strap on sex/whatever. If he's not willing to look at fulfilling your needs first (and it sounds like this is the only way you're going to get them fulfilled at all), he really isn't all as compassionate or caring as you think.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:25 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Nth'ing kegels. As a bonus, they'll also make his orgasms more intense, so he's not just doing it for you.

How long does he last when he masturbates? Has he tried edging? Could he do anything else to stimulate you? Fingers, tongue, dildo, etc, can all work to stimulate you.

That said, he has to want to change. If he's not getting any payoff from lasting longer, then he probably wont want to try to last longer. He's getting his fun a long time before you get yours, which might mean he's less inclined to try new stuff.

I've experimented some with this sort of stuff, so email me if you want to chat. I promise to keep your info private etc.
posted by Solomon at 3:43 PM on September 3, 2008

Premature ejaculation is very treatable through medication and through behavioral practice and repetition. Find a reliable treatment professional (sex therapist, sexual medicine clinic, maybe urologist) and get going!

This is something that can drive couples crazy, but there's no need, because it's quite treatable. Your bf has to get over his embarrassment about this, and you and he can work together and you can move on.
posted by jasper411 at 3:55 PM on September 3, 2008

ive heard that a small dose of Prozac makes men last longer. not ideal though. kinda sounds like you know its over to me. after a year and a half of lousy sex with him not doing much about it... in your heart you might be over him already. so don't stick around.
posted by beccyjoe at 4:20 PM on September 3, 2008

Couple of book recommendations that might make a difference, if you two are inclined to go that route: First, Ian Kerner's "She Comes First", which addresses some of the more, errr... "technical" aspects of things that you could try together, and provides a very cool explanation that won't leave either of you feeling like there's anything wrong with you or the other. Kerner actually used to be a premature ejaculator himself, so he knows what he's talking about, and has compassion. (There's also a companion book that your boyfriend might enjoy, "He Comes Next" :-) )

Second, "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, which is really for any committed couple, and which deals with how much more than sex is going on in any conversation/conflict/dilemma about sex in long term relationships.

Good luck!
posted by gigimakka at 5:05 PM on September 3, 2008

Been there. As a woman you particularly are carrying around the baggage that it isn't right for you to place a value on this. If you discuss wthis with an older generation you will run into it for sure.

You're not wrong.

It is true that sex becomes less, well, all-consuming with time. That doesn't mean it isn't important. I have been with guys for whom sex is just not important, or very good, and I realized it was important to me to be with a guy who - amongst a whole list of other things, like being smart, kind, not a Republican or a Yankees fan - who can't keep his hands off me. I've had boyfriends shrug at the sex thing - "I'm just not that interested, can't help it" - well, that always translated into "I'm not that interested in SEX WITH YOU, but I can't be bothered to move on until something better comes along."

That doesn't sound like it's the case here.

There are medical, physical, and creative ways around this. That's what you should be talking about. You don't say what city you live in or near, but there are sex-positive stores - like a Toys in Babeland - that you can go into together without feeling dirty and discuss the creative options. They even have instructive pamphlets.

Many useful suggestions on this thread from gentlemen who have lived through it.

And, of course, medical.

But if you're not sexually attracted to him, then MOVE OUT. Now. It won't get better. It will only get worse. And then you are arguing over the most highly charged emotional issue possible.
posted by micawber at 5:12 PM on September 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

You're doing a thing that a lot of women do. (I'm sure men do it, too - but I've never heard one articulate this particular brand of thinking). The thing is this: A lot of women, no matter how dissatisfied they are in a relationship, feel like they don't have the "right" to break up unless the other person is doing something "wrong". Like - if he cheated on you, say, then you could punish him by moving on, but as long as the problem is something he can't help, then it wouldn't be ok. But it is ok. Don't feel like a jerk for wanting to end it and ending it - feel like a jerk if you want to end it but don't out of guilt or pity.
posted by moxiedoll at 5:16 PM on September 3, 2008 [5 favorites]

When the sex is good, it is 10% of the relationship. When the sex is bad, it is 90% of the relationship.

It is time to let this really nice guy go, and find a really nice guy who gives you earth-shaking orgasms.
posted by hworth at 6:42 PM on September 3, 2008 [4 favorites]

Don't think you're being a jerk. After all, how fair is it to him if you stay knowing it's probably not going to work? Sexual chemistry is the one thing that is almost black and white; it's either there - or it's not.

Good luck to both of you.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 6:46 PM on September 3, 2008

You're not attracted to him and he can tell. This makes him nervous and bad sex results.
posted by rhizome at 12:41 AM on September 4, 2008

So have sex with someone else. Is your whole relationship based on sex? Make a deal.
posted by rokusan at 2:18 AM on September 4, 2008

I you are not sexually attracted to him then the chemistry between you will let his body know this, even if his mind doesn't. Your sex ual relationship sounds like it is happening with two people in two very different minds and for this reason you will never 'gel' as a sexual couple.

You could either break up with him (which it sounds like you are set on doing anyway) or try and concentrate COMPLETELY on him as a sexual being WITHOUT concentrating on yourself.

e.g. Give him lots of pleasure and expect none back, pamper to his every need, massage him, bathe with him for hours and expect nothing in return. His relaxed attitude towards you will increase, and the fact that you are showing no advance towards him will actually make his desire for you all the more great. Eventually he will just HAVE to have you. Let him take the lead - allow your sexual control and prowess to slip into the background as his passion takes over. And if it doesn't work out then? Then you are not right for each other.
posted by 0bvious at 5:36 AM on September 4, 2008

You say worked on it. Has he seen a therapist? Doctor? If he hasn't, he should.

If sex is important to you, it is important. There is nothing wrong with that. If you can't work it out, it isn't any different than any other relationship problem. You shouldn't feel bad for what you need in a partner.
posted by Silvertree at 5:51 AM on September 4, 2008

If you want to stick it out with him, I would recommend that he go to a doctor. Often, as noted above, they prescribe anti-depressants for premature ejaculation. A generic anti-depressant is cheap and no one has to know the real reason he takes it.
posted by whatideserve at 10:51 AM on September 4, 2008

I wince for you. This isn't a fun situation. My experience in dating and relationships has led me to believe there's nothing that can be done about a basic lack of sexual attraction and chemistry. I think we don't choose whom we're attracted to. If we could, dating and mating would be a hell of a lot easier. I'd leave.

But it's your call. As you've learned from this thread, there are a lot of avenues you can explore in terms of resolving the premature ejaculation issue, and maybe if you work on that issue you can make sex satisfying enough that you can be happy with this man.
posted by orange swan at 12:01 PM on September 4, 2008

Oh, girl, this sounds so much like my first marriage it makes my heart hurt a little. He, too, was a great guy who grew on me, but I was never that sexually attracted to him, and sex (which is very important to me) was both infrequent and rarely good. He grudgingly saw a doctor about it once, then refused to pursue the issue beyond that. We got divorced, luckily before any lasting resentments could set in, and are friendly now. But the lack of chemistry was really a signal, which I ignored for various not-very-good reasons, that we just weren't meant to be a long-term couple.

If your guy is willing to actively work on it -- and that means seeing a doctor, looking into Viagra etc., considering if depression is an issue, and learning ways to make sex more satisfying for you -- I say give it a go, and see if you can light a fire between you. It's certainly possible.

But I would also say that if he's not willing to do so (or if he does make an effort and you guys still just can't make it work), then you have every right to move on to find a relationship that meets a wider spectrum of your needs. Sure, chemistry evolves and changes over time, and sex certainly isn't the only important factor in a relationship, and for some people sex is never a big deal. But if chemistry and sex are important to you, then doing without them in a relationship can do long-term damage to your own sense of satisfaction and self-esteem.

The bottom line is that wanting to be good to yourself (in this case, by being in a healthy, happy relationship that includes good, frequent sex) doesn't make you a bad person. I'm sorry you're in this position. Please don't let guilt make your decision for you, though.
posted by fizzyliftingdrink at 12:18 PM on September 4, 2008

Is it possible for you guys to get him off through non-intercourse (oral, mutual masturbation, the strap on option mentioned above), i.e. really extended foreplay, and then have intercourse? Also, is it an orgasm issue for you, or more than that? Like. After he comes quickly, would you be satisfied if he then went down on you until you came or something? Or do you really want longer intercourse?

I think if you really love him and feel like he's a rare gem except for the sex issue, you owe it to yourself (and him!) to push for more communication about it. I'm not sure how exactly, but find a way to tell him clearly--so clear there won't be room for him to not take it seriously--that this is a real problem for you, and it's getting worse, and you're afraid it's going to become a deal-breaker which frightens you because you like him so much right now. It sounds kind of like right now he understands it bugs you, but he doesn't really understand how important it is. It doesn't seem like he realizes something has to change or you guys probably won't make it. Partners can be pretty lazy when it comes to meeting each other's sexual needs--not on purpose of course--once they're comfortable with each other and think they're snuggled in and on the same page "enough."
posted by ifjuly at 9:19 AM on September 5, 2008