House rules for online friend support group?

January 10, 2020 6:11 PM

I'm part of a small, private, closed group of online friends. We use a forum to communicate. It used to be a place where we just chat and share things, but for a while now many of us use it as a place for emotional support and advice. Rather than reinventing the wheel, where can I find a short, clear, simple list of guidelines for how to behave on the forum?

Recently we had a very public and nasty meltdown where two of the members brought their relationship problems with one another onto the forum. Up to now we've operated without any formal moderation and there are no stated rules or guidelines. Just the unspoken "Don't Be Dick" Now it looks like we need some "house rules".
The complicating factor is that many members are trauma survivors, and many struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD and so on. The forum has developed a culture of being a safe space where people can say things they can't elsewhere. For a long time this worked well, but lately it's gotten rather distressing as so many people are sharing dark, upsetting, frightening thoughts. We have no rule about content warnings.
We've tried to discuss this to some extent, but when one member asks for "not so much depressing stuff please, I'd like to help but I feel overwhelmed" other members feel silenced, and some react with rage.
Some of our members are extremely vulnerable and (in my opinion) are expecting the forum to offer the kind of support they should be getting from a therapist, or from their family and close friends who are actually with them.
I hope we make the forum a place where you can find companionship and understanding, but cut back on the "this is the only safe place where you can dump your pain" stuff, which creates expectations that we simply can't meet.
I'm not the forum owner, just one of the members. Does this sound impossible to fix? Or can we try starting again with a simple set of "this is how we do things here" rules?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (2 answers total)

I have had really good results splitting out channels so that there's a space for chat, a space for dark personal stuff, and (if necessary) a space for politics. This gives people the chance to participate at the level of intensity they have the capacity for at the moment, and it's actually improved engagement with the hard things.

I'd expect pushback on implementing this - it will definitely feel like an attempt at silencing to some folks - but as I said, I think everyone will quickly find it makes it easier and more satisfying for everyone. (And depending on the balance, you could just make a "light chat" category which might feel less silencing.)
posted by restless_nomad at 6:18 PM on January 10, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is old but in case it helps: the MetaChat User Guidelienes and FAQ: How Can You Have a Good Experience Here?
posted by Miko at 8:06 PM on January 10, 2020 [1 favorite]