How to disclose childhood and other trauma while dating?
November 12, 2019 11:50 PM Subscribe
I am an educated, mid-30s woman with a successful career in a white collar industry and a PTSD diagnosis. A couple of years ago I left a very abusive relationship and that experience was compounded by expansive grief and a very scary childhood. I'm in a good place at this point and would like to date but held back by how and when to discuss these parts of my life. Details below the fold.
I posted here asking about how to cope in the aftermath and folks were pretty helpful so I'm hoping there may be more sage wisdom available. (If you want to read about the very bad, no good, earth shattering year of pain, please see my post history.)
What I didn't write about there were childhood experiences that left me pretty vulnerable and attracted to predatory people. One parent was a violent alcoholic who died when I was a teenager and the other, who raised me, most likely suffers from a personality disorder.
Without going into it too much, I joke to my friends that Vince Gilligan (of Breaking Bad) could have written my childhood. The primary custody parent was not just a criminal lawyer but a criminal lawyer and I left home during high school. The experience of being a teenage runaway plus being thrown into unregulated institutions run by religious nuts left me pretty broken. Until my primary parent destroyed their life and landed in prison due to terrible decisions, I figured I was just a no good, very bad, fuckup kid and everything was my fault.
I've made peace with it as best I can and manage to thrive in life. My friends know all of this about me and tell me this knowledge helps make sense of me in many ways. However, one thing I noticed from my ex and other men who turned out to be predatory was that they were so very very very interested in these stories. Just fascinated in a way that other people weren't. Well-adjusted, empathetic people hear these things and feel understandably distressed/uncomfortable. Unsafe people are attracted to the vulnerability and delighted by being the hero who saves me (which I don't need) or seeing my triggers as a way to control me (which works).
So the good thing: I know what a relatively normal reaction looks like! I am much better at avoiding the emotional sharks.
The bad thing: It is so incredibly heavy and weaved throughout much of my life. In getting to know new people (something I have been avoiding the past couple of years but embracing again) I have the skills to politely side-step and be vague so it doesn't turn into the silent, uncomfortable interaction typical of these disclosures.
This won't fly with dating though because at some point there is going to be emotional intimacy. I can't very well expect a dating partner to be fine with me never discussing my childhood or failing to talk about significant romantic relationships.
If you've had a terribly traumatic past, how did you navigate the disclosure? Conversely: if you had a partner with a terribly traumatic past, how did they disclose this to you in a way that didn't blindside you or make you really uncomfortable?
I posted here asking about how to cope in the aftermath and folks were pretty helpful so I'm hoping there may be more sage wisdom available. (If you want to read about the very bad, no good, earth shattering year of pain, please see my post history.)
What I didn't write about there were childhood experiences that left me pretty vulnerable and attracted to predatory people. One parent was a violent alcoholic who died when I was a teenager and the other, who raised me, most likely suffers from a personality disorder.
Without going into it too much, I joke to my friends that Vince Gilligan (of Breaking Bad) could have written my childhood. The primary custody parent was not just a criminal lawyer but a criminal lawyer and I left home during high school. The experience of being a teenage runaway plus being thrown into unregulated institutions run by religious nuts left me pretty broken. Until my primary parent destroyed their life and landed in prison due to terrible decisions, I figured I was just a no good, very bad, fuckup kid and everything was my fault.
I've made peace with it as best I can and manage to thrive in life. My friends know all of this about me and tell me this knowledge helps make sense of me in many ways. However, one thing I noticed from my ex and other men who turned out to be predatory was that they were so very very very interested in these stories. Just fascinated in a way that other people weren't. Well-adjusted, empathetic people hear these things and feel understandably distressed/uncomfortable. Unsafe people are attracted to the vulnerability and delighted by being the hero who saves me (which I don't need) or seeing my triggers as a way to control me (which works).
So the good thing: I know what a relatively normal reaction looks like! I am much better at avoiding the emotional sharks.
The bad thing: It is so incredibly heavy and weaved throughout much of my life. In getting to know new people (something I have been avoiding the past couple of years but embracing again) I have the skills to politely side-step and be vague so it doesn't turn into the silent, uncomfortable interaction typical of these disclosures.
This won't fly with dating though because at some point there is going to be emotional intimacy. I can't very well expect a dating partner to be fine with me never discussing my childhood or failing to talk about significant romantic relationships.
If you've had a terribly traumatic past, how did you navigate the disclosure? Conversely: if you had a partner with a terribly traumatic past, how did they disclose this to you in a way that didn't blindside you or make you really uncomfortable?
I'm with parmanparman on this. I have CPTSD from childhood abuse and medical trauma.
A therapist can also help you figure out how and when to disclose your traumatic past. They can also help you with developing your relationships because even a healthy relationship can trigger you. Having the kind of guidance as you begin to develop new healthy relationships is really important. Also knowing that you have someone like that to help can really be very reassuring. At least it was for me.
I wish you the very best of luck.
posted by miss-lapin at 3:52 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
A therapist can also help you figure out how and when to disclose your traumatic past. They can also help you with developing your relationships because even a healthy relationship can trigger you. Having the kind of guidance as you begin to develop new healthy relationships is really important. Also knowing that you have someone like that to help can really be very reassuring. At least it was for me.
I wish you the very best of luck.
posted by miss-lapin at 3:52 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you're troubled by the possibility of a) scaring off a potential good relationship or b) dealing with yet another abusive situation... I think I would say to you: you can't screw this up. In case a), a good solid relationship seems to "just happen" to many people despite missteps, anxiety, history of trauma. I'm not negating that relationships require work, but I think that strong relationships are pretty resilient. And you'll be that much better at reckoning with b) because of your past experience.
To keep your own peace of mind while navigating these waters, I think a general guideline would be to disclose in a brief, general way, when a new romance looks like it might get serious, that you're coping with some childhood trauma and that at times you may seem fearful or anxious because of it. As you yourself said, a healthy person who wants a relationship with you won't bat an eye at this. A person who wants everything to be Easy Street will run, and good riddance.
I think small disclosures of things that happened along the way, in a deepening relationship, are actually a good idea. To a healthy person they will indicate trust, and they also will serve as early warning "canaries" that a potential abuser will react to as you've indicated. I hope that does not happen. Occasionally some of my former partners told me fairly dark things about their pasts, and honestly I was honored that they trusted me with the information.
All of that being said, it'll be a good idea to have a therapist through the relationship exploration if you don't already have one. I think you have more wisdom here than you know. Best of luck to you and I hope that you find a reliable, healthy partner.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:14 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
To keep your own peace of mind while navigating these waters, I think a general guideline would be to disclose in a brief, general way, when a new romance looks like it might get serious, that you're coping with some childhood trauma and that at times you may seem fearful or anxious because of it. As you yourself said, a healthy person who wants a relationship with you won't bat an eye at this. A person who wants everything to be Easy Street will run, and good riddance.
I think small disclosures of things that happened along the way, in a deepening relationship, are actually a good idea. To a healthy person they will indicate trust, and they also will serve as early warning "canaries" that a potential abuser will react to as you've indicated. I hope that does not happen. Occasionally some of my former partners told me fairly dark things about their pasts, and honestly I was honored that they trusted me with the information.
All of that being said, it'll be a good idea to have a therapist through the relationship exploration if you don't already have one. I think you have more wisdom here than you know. Best of luck to you and I hope that you find a reliable, healthy partner.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:14 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
I know a few people who, due to physical health issues and/or mental health issues, draw the lines early when exploring a new or existing relationship.
This has included dropping friendships (becomes weird when current friends are still hanging out with former friends), reintroducing the current rules of interaction (fist bump is good, uninvited hugs are bad), and taking the occasional staycation with the phone off and the doors firmly shut.
The approach is to practice self-love by showing acceptance for personal history and growth. This is me. I like me. You may like me, too, but there are some things that I deal with.
Sort of like, "Hello, I have issues. I would really like to hang out with you at lunchtime, but if I tell you I am a diabetic and you repeatedly want to meet me at ice cream parlors, then you are demonstrating that you aren't listening to me and therefore this friendship is taking a hard pass. I have to prioritize my health, and that means I sometimes have to take a break from people and things that trigger my problems.
"It's not you (maybe :P), it's me. And that's okay. But I may occasionally redraw the lines due to ongoing health concerns. And you may not know about it until I go incognito mode on my social life.
"If you're okay with that, then we can continue. Otherwise, I've been as transparent as I care to be at this time. Everybody has issues, and I'm letting you know that I have some personal space rules regarding mine.
"The next move is yours."
As you noted, some people switch from you-centered mode to me-centered mode. Some people get defensive. Some people break into their savior dance ("I'm gonna fix you! Watch me try -- why aren't you fixed yet?")
Some people show genuine empathy. Some people do a self-check and realize that, just like you, they have triggers that could potentially go off if they pursue this friendship.
And some people are predators. Dodging a bullet because the mask slips is a good thing. Fewer relationships, but less drama. Who has time for that noise?
It's hard to let someone know you aren't perfect, whatever the hell that is. The buildup to talking about it is brutal. This is the part of the map that says, "Here be dragons."
But you take responsibility for your health. You let the other guy know it. And it's on him/her to keep up. If the person is worth your time, they will.
Millions of people, millions of stories. Keep the ones that lift you up.
posted by TrishaU at 4:27 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
This has included dropping friendships (becomes weird when current friends are still hanging out with former friends), reintroducing the current rules of interaction (fist bump is good, uninvited hugs are bad), and taking the occasional staycation with the phone off and the doors firmly shut.
The approach is to practice self-love by showing acceptance for personal history and growth. This is me. I like me. You may like me, too, but there are some things that I deal with.
Sort of like, "Hello, I have issues. I would really like to hang out with you at lunchtime, but if I tell you I am a diabetic and you repeatedly want to meet me at ice cream parlors, then you are demonstrating that you aren't listening to me and therefore this friendship is taking a hard pass. I have to prioritize my health, and that means I sometimes have to take a break from people and things that trigger my problems.
"It's not you (maybe :P), it's me. And that's okay. But I may occasionally redraw the lines due to ongoing health concerns. And you may not know about it until I go incognito mode on my social life.
"If you're okay with that, then we can continue. Otherwise, I've been as transparent as I care to be at this time. Everybody has issues, and I'm letting you know that I have some personal space rules regarding mine.
"The next move is yours."
As you noted, some people switch from you-centered mode to me-centered mode. Some people get defensive. Some people break into their savior dance ("I'm gonna fix you! Watch me try -- why aren't you fixed yet?")
Some people show genuine empathy. Some people do a self-check and realize that, just like you, they have triggers that could potentially go off if they pursue this friendship.
And some people are predators. Dodging a bullet because the mask slips is a good thing. Fewer relationships, but less drama. Who has time for that noise?
It's hard to let someone know you aren't perfect, whatever the hell that is. The buildup to talking about it is brutal. This is the part of the map that says, "Here be dragons."
But you take responsibility for your health. You let the other guy know it. And it's on him/her to keep up. If the person is worth your time, they will.
Millions of people, millions of stories. Keep the ones that lift you up.
posted by TrishaU at 4:27 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If I may expound on your sentiments from a (quasi) personal experience the thought of feeling normal comes in spurts, and stays a relatively long while by comparison, does it not? It never even feels like the past is yours in everyday moments. Until that first butterfly hits you and you feel compelled to curl up and trust. But its trust you want to save for yourself because no one else has ever done shit with it but terrify you. I'm guessing. THATS the rude truth of a ptsd diagnosis... that you made it through but with what is left of yourself you almost feel like it killed you. You're looking for strength and that's what counts. You should practice talking about your fears and let downs and anxiety. Talk about those rotten days and what you made it out of. Friends, relatives, counselors, whoever gives you the ear of compassion. If you feel purged by it you'll be able to express who you are more and less what you fear. The more you get out your anger and sadness and struggle the easier itll be to discover what you are made of today and also to find the kinds of people worth sharing it with. Good luck. ♡
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:38 AM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:38 AM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you have identified one response to look for for sure. It's probably not a bad idea to round that out too, because you don't need your trauma to be the sole litmus test to offer (not saying you are, just saying if you have other 'sniff tests' you don't have to put that card on the table until you want to.)
I think, from having found a great partner in the midst of PTSD which is a lot about luck but also about having used my brain with him, the key thing is...if you can be both slow and natural with someone, and have the kind of measured, caring-but-not-overwrought responses you're talking about, that's kind of the ideal. One thing I love about my relationship is that while my partner has educated himself on PTSD and in my case DID and everything, he also has held a pretty insistent vision of our full lives together, in which those things are just a part.
I wish I could say there was a formula for this but it is so much about the space between us that I can't...but I can speak from that to say that that reality has taught me that I do not have to feel that my true past is something I have to treat like a grenade that might go off. It's just my past, and a part of my present.
So around the time (when dating is getting more regular) that you might normally reveal, say, a religious background or something, you could give the kind of summary you gave in this question. And then if the response is that solid one, then just...share your truth as you go. "I don't like this, it reminds me of my ex's abuse." "Oh, ha ha, I don't actually like Christmas much...bad things happened." And then as trust is earned, with the right person, there will be times - they won't necessarily be ideal, but good enough - that you do find yourself going into the details. Over a few years, your partner will get the picture and learn to support you in it.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:39 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think, from having found a great partner in the midst of PTSD which is a lot about luck but also about having used my brain with him, the key thing is...if you can be both slow and natural with someone, and have the kind of measured, caring-but-not-overwrought responses you're talking about, that's kind of the ideal. One thing I love about my relationship is that while my partner has educated himself on PTSD and in my case DID and everything, he also has held a pretty insistent vision of our full lives together, in which those things are just a part.
I wish I could say there was a formula for this but it is so much about the space between us that I can't...but I can speak from that to say that that reality has taught me that I do not have to feel that my true past is something I have to treat like a grenade that might go off. It's just my past, and a part of my present.
So around the time (when dating is getting more regular) that you might normally reveal, say, a religious background or something, you could give the kind of summary you gave in this question. And then if the response is that solid one, then just...share your truth as you go. "I don't like this, it reminds me of my ex's abuse." "Oh, ha ha, I don't actually like Christmas much...bad things happened." And then as trust is earned, with the right person, there will be times - they won't necessarily be ideal, but good enough - that you do find yourself going into the details. Over a few years, your partner will get the picture and learn to support you in it.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:39 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I don't until they have established that they can be trusted. I start with stuff that is a low emotional risk for me, stuff that I don't care if I'm rejected for/get a bad reaction to, and watch their reaction carefully. I kind of drop little pieces over time, getting more specific and vulnerable the better I know them.
There are some things I will never tell anyone who isn't a trained professional. That's okay too. I don't have to.
I've concluded that I actually am allowed to refuse to talk about (aspects of) my past, and this doesn't preclude vulnerability. I can be vulnerable about what is going on with me in the here and now. I don't have to set myself up to be retraumatised to fulfill some notion of dating transparency.
With some people, there comes a time when I want to tell them some things. When that time comes, I take the risk and do it- because I feel ready, not because I feel obligated.
posted by windykites at 7:32 AM on November 13, 2019 [15 favorites]
There are some things I will never tell anyone who isn't a trained professional. That's okay too. I don't have to.
I've concluded that I actually am allowed to refuse to talk about (aspects of) my past, and this doesn't preclude vulnerability. I can be vulnerable about what is going on with me in the here and now. I don't have to set myself up to be retraumatised to fulfill some notion of dating transparency.
With some people, there comes a time when I want to tell them some things. When that time comes, I take the risk and do it- because I feel ready, not because I feel obligated.
posted by windykites at 7:32 AM on November 13, 2019 [15 favorites]
Best answer: I let my past stuff come up a little bit at a time with no lies. Be vague and think about your boundaries in advance so you can definitively and smoothly stop and redirect conversations without getting emotional or conflicted.
“I had some rough patches” > “Oh it’s kind of a long story, I’ll get into it sometime but I don’t think we have enough time tonight!” > “my relationship w my parents was difficult due to mental health issues they had” > “I had to leave home pretty early because my parents were hard to live with” > “it’s not a secret but it just takes a while to tell the story, promise I’ll talk about it when we get there” Etc.
To me the best time/place to talk about it is not the when it comes up organically- it’s a few days after that time, when you’ve had time to decide privately that it’s time to share.
Late night, sober, and cuddly / intimate is also helpful in my experience of sharing hard stories.
Also, it can be wise to make sure you know the other person enough to observe how they talk about their exes’ personal issues. If they disclose other people’s trauma to you, it might be a sign that they are not very trustworthy. If they speak of their exes’ difficult experiences with respect and compassion and healthy confidentiality, that is a good sign. It’s OK to wait and gather data about their approach in this area before you share your story with them.
If you find you are persistently afraid to tell a specific person about your history, it may be your subconscious telling you that they are not a safe person to trust. Check in with your body when you have these feelings, and write them down to refer back to later. Value and obey these feelings.
To the right match, a challenging past and the present day emotional ripples from it would never be a dealbreaker.
You do not owe anyone your story and you get to decide when and what to disclose. You can disclose a little and then stop at any time. That is your right. Nobody “deserves” to know your story.
Beware of people who want to hear your story out of salaciousness. Your history is not a bargaining chip to make another person feel like they’re special or sophisticated, or that they’re compassionate enough to be trusted.
Beware of partners who pry, or ask leading questions to try to piece things together, or do math on your stories and then fact check you, or pout if they feel “shut out”, or weaponize their curiosity, or criticize your chosen pace of disclosure with comments like “Why won’t you tell me? You can trust me. It’s making me feel like I’m a bad person if you don’t trust me.” These are massive red flags.
To the right partner, a challenging past will be like kintsugi- something that highlights your strength and resilience and increases your depth and preciousness.
Your story is YOURS to share, or not share, when and how YOU want. It can’t be paid for with another person’s attention or with a specific amount of time spent together. You might meet a person and feel moved to share your story on the first night. You might spend a decade with a person and never want to tell them a thing. Both of those, and everything in between, are totally fine ways to feel and you will do well to follow your gut and obey your instincts.
hope you already know this but:
You aren’t broken
It’s amazing that you have been able to be so resilient!
Your strength is PROVEN. Not everyone can say that. It’s something that makes you special.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:46 AM on November 13, 2019 [16 favorites]
“I had some rough patches” > “Oh it’s kind of a long story, I’ll get into it sometime but I don’t think we have enough time tonight!” > “my relationship w my parents was difficult due to mental health issues they had” > “I had to leave home pretty early because my parents were hard to live with” > “it’s not a secret but it just takes a while to tell the story, promise I’ll talk about it when we get there” Etc.
To me the best time/place to talk about it is not the when it comes up organically- it’s a few days after that time, when you’ve had time to decide privately that it’s time to share.
Late night, sober, and cuddly / intimate is also helpful in my experience of sharing hard stories.
Also, it can be wise to make sure you know the other person enough to observe how they talk about their exes’ personal issues. If they disclose other people’s trauma to you, it might be a sign that they are not very trustworthy. If they speak of their exes’ difficult experiences with respect and compassion and healthy confidentiality, that is a good sign. It’s OK to wait and gather data about their approach in this area before you share your story with them.
If you find you are persistently afraid to tell a specific person about your history, it may be your subconscious telling you that they are not a safe person to trust. Check in with your body when you have these feelings, and write them down to refer back to later. Value and obey these feelings.
To the right match, a challenging past and the present day emotional ripples from it would never be a dealbreaker.
You do not owe anyone your story and you get to decide when and what to disclose. You can disclose a little and then stop at any time. That is your right. Nobody “deserves” to know your story.
Beware of people who want to hear your story out of salaciousness. Your history is not a bargaining chip to make another person feel like they’re special or sophisticated, or that they’re compassionate enough to be trusted.
Beware of partners who pry, or ask leading questions to try to piece things together, or do math on your stories and then fact check you, or pout if they feel “shut out”, or weaponize their curiosity, or criticize your chosen pace of disclosure with comments like “Why won’t you tell me? You can trust me. It’s making me feel like I’m a bad person if you don’t trust me.” These are massive red flags.
To the right partner, a challenging past will be like kintsugi- something that highlights your strength and resilience and increases your depth and preciousness.
Your story is YOURS to share, or not share, when and how YOU want. It can’t be paid for with another person’s attention or with a specific amount of time spent together. You might meet a person and feel moved to share your story on the first night. You might spend a decade with a person and never want to tell them a thing. Both of those, and everything in between, are totally fine ways to feel and you will do well to follow your gut and obey your instincts.
hope you already know this but:
You aren’t broken
It’s amazing that you have been able to be so resilient!
Your strength is PROVEN. Not everyone can say that. It’s something that makes you special.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:46 AM on November 13, 2019 [16 favorites]
I don't think you should talk about these things too early. When I was dating, one of the things I decided was a 'red flag' was too much disclosure too early. This is largely because my sister has borderline personality and ptsd and one of the things she does is disclose really early. I actually think it is a sign of not being completely emotionally healthy, and I've noticed that my sister attracts people who (like you observe) love her stories of her past (and also have good ones of their own that they tell you the first time they meet you). I have anxiety and am on meds and I think I told my now husband on about our 4th date, so I'm not telling you to leave it for months.
I also think it is probably a good idea to let your past come out naturally over time rather than sitting the person down and telling them the entire story at once. I don't know, I have this vague sense that people will hopefully observe how you act rather than judge you on your experiences, so that if it comes out over time and they have also had time to see what kind of person you are in your actions it won't be such a Big Thing but rather just part of this multifaceted person.
posted by thereader at 10:03 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also think it is probably a good idea to let your past come out naturally over time rather than sitting the person down and telling them the entire story at once. I don't know, I have this vague sense that people will hopefully observe how you act rather than judge you on your experiences, so that if it comes out over time and they have also had time to see what kind of person you are in your actions it won't be such a Big Thing but rather just part of this multifaceted person.
posted by thereader at 10:03 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
In the simplest terms, disclosure of your history is being vulnerable. It's perfectly reasonable to be choosy about whom you'll be this vulnerable with. What makes you trust the friends you've chosen to disclose this to? How could you try being vulnerable in other ways with someone to help them earn the trust you need to have to share this with someone you're dating?
posted by pazazygeek at 10:22 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by pazazygeek at 10:22 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
It is okay to take your time. The last time I was in this situation, I was quite young and still absolutely flailing. It took me a year(!) to feel comfortable disclosing. Before that, I was factual but vague.
Nevertheless, it was fine. My person was sad/angry on my behalf (but not in a way that centered his feelings), was kind and supportive, and followed my lead after that in terms of bringing it up.
I think there is a distinction between disclosing biographical details and establishing needs and boundaries within a relationship. If you're proactive about advocating for yourself and communicating what you need, a potential partner likely won't be blindsided when you choose to disclose details. You can set boundaries and share details at the same time, or not - it's your call.
Best of luck with dating - I think you're going to be okay, and I hope you have fun!
posted by toastedcheese at 1:35 PM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
Nevertheless, it was fine. My person was sad/angry on my behalf (but not in a way that centered his feelings), was kind and supportive, and followed my lead after that in terms of bringing it up.
I think there is a distinction between disclosing biographical details and establishing needs and boundaries within a relationship. If you're proactive about advocating for yourself and communicating what you need, a potential partner likely won't be blindsided when you choose to disclose details. You can set boundaries and share details at the same time, or not - it's your call.
Best of luck with dating - I think you're going to be okay, and I hope you have fun!
posted by toastedcheese at 1:35 PM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
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posted by parmanparman at 12:48 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]