Sleep twitches ruin everything, how to stop?

December 24, 2019 6:26 AM

I am in a very happy relationship, things are getting serious and we are spending more nights together and talking about moving in together. The only problem—we are completely unable to sleep next to each other because I (apparently) move in my sleep a LOT. Details below.

My partner has described the movement as twitching, and notices it most in the early morning (4-6 am). Note that it could be happening all night and this could just be when they are sleeping the lightest and so wake up. Note that for various reasons it is very important to us to sleep in the same bed at home (or, if we must, two twin beds pushed together). But we also travel a lot together and arranging for separate spaces in every new place is a nightmare so being able to share a bed is crucial. I have tried taking magnesium supplements, muscle relaxers, CBD, stretching before bed, drinking more water. Nothing seems to help consistently. I have a medium to high activity level and the sleep twitching seems to get worse when I have had a particularly physically active day (long bike ride or similar). Note that my partner and I both have quite a bit of sleep anxiety, theirs from sleeping next to a previous partner who twitched worse than I do, mine from living in a shared house where I was/am woken up constantly from people coming home late/being loud at night. Fortunately their house (where we most often co-sleep) is fairly quiet.
Our current strategy is falling asleep next to each other (lovely and relaxing and helps us both get to sleep faster) and then when we inevitably wake up (my partner because they feel me moving or me because I am so anxious I’ll move or touch them that I wake myself up) one of us moves to a pad we keep on the floor. We have tried “immersion therapy” in the past, tried to just get used to sleeping next to each other no matter what, but we both ended up so tired we were non-functional. We can’t really afford to get sleep studies done, but could possibly swing it if folks think it would be really worthwhile. Something’s got to give. Please help!

posted by leafmealone to Health & Fitness (21 answers total)

Is a bigger bed an option? I am restless as I fall asleep and my wife has the grabbiest toes in the world (plus cats, whose volume increases to match the size of the bed) so we got a king-size bed and we can cuddle and then fall asleep almost out of arm's reach of each other if we need to. The right kind of memory foam/gel topper mattress will make one person's movements much less detectable through the bed, too. Doesn't solve the travel problem, but it might help you top up your sleep deficit when you're home.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:34 AM on December 24, 2019 [15 favorites]

If you got a body pillow and put it between you, would that shield your partner from your twitching or even give you something to hang on to that might keep you from twitching so much?

If that helps at home, you can roll your own body pillow when traveling using extra hotel pillows and blankets. Place two or three pillows end to end across the middle of one long edge of the blanket, then fold the corners of the blanket toward the center. Tightly roll the pillows over and fold in the ends again. Basically, you are making a pillow burrito.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:36 AM on December 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

I find a lot of cosleeping problems get easier if you use separate sets of covers, one for each of you. Even if the problem isn't covers-stealing per se, they make it easier to roll away from each other without committing accidental covers-stealing in the process. That way you can at least get the maximum distance the bed allows without waking the other person up.

This doesn't work if either of you is a covers-absolutely-need-to-be-tucked-in person. But if you're both freeform-pile-of-covers people, then it's easy enough to try without needing to buy extra stuff.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:29 AM on December 24, 2019 [14 favorites]

Since your partner has had this problem with other people, I suspect that they are just super sensitive about others' movements when sharing a bed. So I don't think it's likely to be anything you can change.

At home, if you must continue to share a bed even though it harms your sleep, in addition to a larger bed you could try a memory foam topper. If that doesn't adequately reduce how much the movement affects them, you could try it just on ONE side of the bed... experiment with both to see which works better. It does create a bit of a ledge in the middle of the bed obviously but I've found it to not be a big deal. (I have a twin topper on my half of a king bed because it helps my hips and it's what I had on hand.)

Decreasing things that might disrupt sleep just enough to get them to the point that they notice your movement might help, whether that be white noise, darkening shades, etc.
posted by metasarah at 7:38 AM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

You can make your own body pillow in a hotel by bringing a body pillowcase and putting pillows in it. Much easier.

So, a little red flag: sleep anxiety, theirs from sleeping next to a previous partner who twitched worse than I do

This person has put this problem on you to solve even though they have a history of hypersensitivity to a phenomenon that's not terribly common and is not a consciously-controlled movement. He will need to figure out a solution that will actually satisfy him, not make you feel bad and obligated to solve it. Maybe HE needs an additional memory foam mattress topper, maybe he needs to buy two twin beds. This is his problem.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:10 AM on December 24, 2019 [27 favorites]

Some people really do better with seperate beds. I know it's not stereotypical in relationships but for sleeping and just sleeping sometimes it is best. It's actually more common than you might think.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:25 AM on December 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

It might be worth talking to your GP about it. Depending on what's going on, there may be medication available to help here. A close family member has restless leg syndrome, which is now under medical control- been a real life changer- now both of the people in the couple a full night's sleep.
posted by jenkinsEar at 9:00 AM on December 24, 2019

Foam mattresses dont transfer movement as much as spring mattresses, even with a foam topper, if getting a new mattress is an option. For travel, can you bring a sleeping pad with you so you can still do the 'slip out of bed and sleep elsewhere ' part of your routine? There are many that deflate and roll up quite small, enough that they fit easily into a suitcase or backpack.
posted by ananci at 9:05 AM on December 24, 2019

The best sleep I get with my s/o is on king-sized memory foam atop heavy springs and shocks, aka the back of a van. We tried a foam topper on our bed at home, and it wasn't deep enough to cancel out the bounce on our standard springy mattress and basic bed rails. So I'm thinking you want deep dense foam and a heavy, stable bed frame.

A Sleep Number bed might work since the two sides are individually inflated. Though the one we tried eventually started leaking.

They also sell foam bridges that fill the gap between two twin beds.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:12 AM on December 24, 2019

Best answer: I get the nighttime leg twitches after a hard run and/or ride day; what's your recovery stretching routine like?

I try to cool-down stretch after every run or ride, plus a couple of weekly yoga sessions (at least an hour). Roller for the big days.

These seen to make a difference to me (sample size of one, confirmation bias etc notwithstanding)
posted by Faff at 9:40 AM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you for all suggestions! To clarify--I am most interested in suggestions of how to stop twitching rather than to help partner not feel them. It's not terribly pleasant for me either, even though my own twitching doesn't usually wake me up often it does sometimes. She has already purchased a new firm foam mattress and a large body pillow for us in hopes that it might help absorb the vibrations and help her sleep, it didn't work too well unfortunately.
posted by leafmealone at 10:19 AM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Do you take any meds that may be contributing to the twitching? My nightly twitching ramped up to 100 when I started lexapro. If it might be med-related, maybe your doctor can change you to something else.
posted by _Mona_ at 10:26 AM on December 24, 2019

My husband's sleep was wrecked for quite awhile after we got a kid, he felt he couldn't just get into a deep sleep and these are the things he did:

- he cut down on caffeine
- worked on sleep hygiene in general, less screen time, better bedtimes and either audiobooks or reading to fall asleep
- significantly less distressing media consumption (his home country is Chile and everything sucks)
- started taking calcium, magnesium and melatonin (he initially got a lot of weird ass dreams tho after taking the melatonin so just a heads up)

Things that help me sleep better:
- hot shower with a couple lavender drops just dropped on the floor (so it comes up with the steam) so pretending I'm in a lavender field in provance living my best life..
- less media
- black black black room
- earlier bed time
- yoga, specifically yin yoga type stuff, which is slooow loong stretches. we're talking up to 5 minutes per pose here
- no hiit or anything too cardio close to bedtime, it's best for me to do that stuff in the morning/early afternoon
- in bed, some nights I'll imagine relaxing my entire body from the feet up (toes, bottom and sides of feet, the table of your foot, ankle, calves, shins, knees, hamstrings etc etc.) just hella slowly and I usually pass out before getting to my head
- carbs and things that contain tryptophan (soy, nuts, milk, eggs etc.) on the evening are also your friend

Hope your twitchiness resolves somewhat!
Best of luck!!
posted by speakeasy at 11:00 AM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

As a sleep apnea sufferer, I strongly recommend talking to your doctor about getting a referral to a sleep specialist. Before I got treatment, my wife described similar symptoms for me - twitching and sudden movements (along with snoring, which you don't mention). Long term, apnea can put some serious strain on your heart. It's worth ruling out.
posted by ssmith at 1:54 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

Are you open to trying magnesium again? I know you already have but since it can be difficult to absorb in certain forms it may be worth it to explore this route if you only tried something like magnesium oxide which isn’t well absorbed. It also competes with calcium for absorption so it can be worth some trial and error to actually get any effects. I also get twitches in my legs while I sleep and it wasn’t until I tried a magnesium spray that it helped.

And I actually do have sleep apnea but my restless legs weren’t bad enough to be called RLS during the sleep study. I didn’t get a CPAP for nearly two years after diagnosis and it was during that time I tried magnesium. I do recommend a sleep study to basically everyone but in my case the twitchy legs don’t seem to have anything to do with sleep apnea.

I just switched to taking pills because I’m better at remembering them and take this brand, which I have gotten glowing recommendations for and so far it works just like the spray for me, but I wonder if that’s because I’ve been supplementing with it for quite awhile already.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 3:36 PM on December 24, 2019

Also, have you tried a weighted blanket? Or have you noticed if changing your position helps with how much you move? Before I got my CPAP I tried the old anti-snoring trick of tying a tennis ball into a shirt so I didn’t roll onto my back while sleeping since my sleep apnea basically disappears when I’m sleeping on my side. It works great! My point being — if there is a position where you tend to sleep more soundly, there’s tons of tricks or products to help you stay in that position. Perhaps for you it would work to raise your legs on pillows or raise your head or sleep on your side or whatever, just something to explore.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 3:40 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I believe there's a function that effectively paralyzes us during sleep to prevent us from physically acting out our dreams. The best-known result of malfunction of this function is sleepwalking. So I'm guessing this is a milder version of (or perhaps a precursor to) sleepwalking. As you investigate, I'd suggest you seek tips/insights/help under the header of "sleepwalking", and don't get too focused on the "twitch" aspect. I.e. think of it less as a behavioral quirk and more as a bona fide sleep dysfunction that for whatever reason has passed a certain threshold to become a problem. Just my two cents on how I'd pursue it in your shoes.
posted by Quisp Lover at 4:09 PM on December 24, 2019

seconding thornbushes on the weighted blanket; I move around a lot in sleep and the blanket really helps me stay in one place (and I sleep more deeply) - you can fold it over or get it in a smaller size so it’s just on your side of the bed
posted by mollymillions at 9:13 PM on December 24, 2019

Muscle twitching after exercise is caused by lactic acid build up so might want to look up some solutions for that. Better cool down protocols are the most important thing, minimum of 10 minutes walking, compression stockings etc. B vitamins, vitamin D and foods with potassium should help as well as water, lots of water. Make sure you get enough salt too.

It might also be a slightly pinched nerve. Side sleeping helps that, if you're typically a back sleeper.

But seperate duvets really helps.
posted by fshgrl at 9:25 PM on December 24, 2019

i’m a restless sleeper and taking a specific non-sweetened magnesium powder AND a weighted blanket has stopped me rolling all over the damn place. (15lb but when i get another it will smaller size but heavier.)

this one... Natural Vitality Calm PLUS Calcium, #1 Selling Magnesium Citrate Supplement, Anti-Stress Drink Mix Powder, Original - 16 ounce

the sugary flavored stuff does not help as well. also magnesium keeps you regular!

my weighted blanket helps so much i took it on my last work trip and am looking for a smaller one for travel purposes.

i am the kid who needed rails on her bed bc i would roll around so much i’d fall off. while i also take ambien most nights, it only keeps my dreams from being as weird/memorable. the magnesium and the weighted blanket are the extra magic. (i’m one of the outliers where melantonin does not work and gives me even more vivid dreams than i already have.)



also as a side note .... i am super sensitive about even sleeping in the same room as someone so if neither of you is getting good sleep, it may be something to address and that doesn’t say anything bad about either of you or your relationship. i’d rather sleep on a floor than listen to someone breathe. or worry my movements were going to bother them. i was in an LTR and lived w someone for 4 of those years. worst years of sleep in my life. ugh.
posted by affectionateborg at 12:51 PM on December 25, 2019

My husband was always kind of a restless sleeper, but a few years ago, his twitching got much more intense. It was major kicking and jerking, that was extremely dispuptive to my sleep and and often his. Nothing he tried made a bit of difference. After about a year of this, he was diagnosed with anemia after developing extreme fatigue and muscle weakness. Once he started major iron treatments, the twitching all but stopped and never came back. It turns out, it may be a thing, so that could be something to look into.
posted by mostlymartha at 4:25 PM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]