How do I get my husband to sleep in bed with me?
September 10, 2010 9:20 AM Subscribe
My husband falls asleep in front of the TV four or five nights a week. He says this is the only way he can get to sleep. I hate sleeping alone and this has become a Big Issue. Should I let this go and if not, how can I communicate more effectively?
posted by fantoche to human relations (49 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
He's an overthinker and a natural night owl and he tends to rehash the day in his head before he goes to sleep. He says the TV distracts him enough to be able to sleep (he has ADHD). He is not lying, there is a definite correlation between his stress level and his ability to sleep. He has tried sleep medication and he does not like the hangover so he refuses to take it.
What happens is this: we will be watching TV together, I will get sleepy and go to bed. He stays up and says he'll be in later. He falls asleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to find he's not in bed. If I go wake him up and ask him to come to bed, he's usually upset because he has trouble falling back asleep again.
I insist that sleeping together is important to me, and he thinks I'm being selfish. Obviously I do not have an evil plot to prevent him from sleeping, I am frustrated because he doesn't seem to want to work on this issue at all. He has found something that works for him so "that's the way it has to be" in his mind. I do not want to spend the rest of our marriage mostly sleeping alone. (We have been married 3 years btw and this has been a consistent issue).
I am pretty sure it's not that he doesn't want to sleep with me although it hurts that he's not trying. When he does fall asleep with me he sleeps soundly. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise. He is physically affectionate and our sex life is good. (Btw my reasons for wanting to sleep with him have nothing to do with sex, we generally don't do that right before bed/upon waking up anyway.) He loves me more than anything which is part of why this issue is so perplexing and frustrating.
I feel silly going to counseling for this one issue, but I don't know what to say to him so that he is willing to try. If you are going to suggest cures for insomnia, please also suggest ways to get him to try them.