How to maintain a friendship when you live in different worlds?
December 15, 2019 5:30 PM Subscribe
[Apologies for the vagueness -- there are ongoing legal battles and I'm also being stalked so it's hard to be specific.]
Over the last few months, my life was turned upside down. Strange, horrific, and traumatic events were inflicted on me at my home and there are ongoing legal and criminal court battles to bring justice to the perpetrators.
Through all of this I became friends with a woman who was also a victim to this perpetrator in separate and different circumstances. Together we have formed a sort of peer support group that helps others in similar circumstances and we're becoming more prominent in our city.
We have formed a close friendship. I greatly respect and admire this woman and am so grateful that I met her through this strange twist of fate. I'm sure I never would have crossed paths with her otherwise.
I am single and have a reasonably good job. She is very poor, a single parent, is precariously housed and has been homeless at points in her life.
I want to get her and her daughter a Christmas gift, but I'm not sure what and I don't want her to feel like it's an act of charity. What would be appropriate? I was thinking of something I made but I also know there are probably a lot of things she would really need. I don't want her to feel awkward or uncomfortable in any way.
If you've been friends with someone who is part of a different 'social status' how did you make it work over the long term? I greatly value this friendship and I want to keep it.
Through all of this I became friends with a woman who was also a victim to this perpetrator in separate and different circumstances. Together we have formed a sort of peer support group that helps others in similar circumstances and we're becoming more prominent in our city.
We have formed a close friendship. I greatly respect and admire this woman and am so grateful that I met her through this strange twist of fate. I'm sure I never would have crossed paths with her otherwise.
I am single and have a reasonably good job. She is very poor, a single parent, is precariously housed and has been homeless at points in her life.
I want to get her and her daughter a Christmas gift, but I'm not sure what and I don't want her to feel like it's an act of charity. What would be appropriate? I was thinking of something I made but I also know there are probably a lot of things she would really need. I don't want her to feel awkward or uncomfortable in any way.
If you've been friends with someone who is part of a different 'social status' how did you make it work over the long term? I greatly value this friendship and I want to keep it.
"I'd like to get your daughter something for Christmas. What does she want?"
Parents are generally not going to deny these gestures for their kids, and I've never had pushback from even the proudest single parent on a good turn for their kid. Regarding the mother, there's really no safe way to go about a proper gift without knowing her. Lots of people can and will be put off by this -- particularly because if it isn't charity, there's an expectation of reciprocity. Kids lie outside social norms of reciprocity.
Your safest bet for the mother would be a holiday card with a heartfelt note inside, with a token gift card of 10-15 dollars for coffee. Small enough to not be a grand gesture, and not warrant reciprocity.
posted by bfranklin at 5:43 PM on December 15, 2019 [16 favorites]
Parents are generally not going to deny these gestures for their kids, and I've never had pushback from even the proudest single parent on a good turn for their kid. Regarding the mother, there's really no safe way to go about a proper gift without knowing her. Lots of people can and will be put off by this -- particularly because if it isn't charity, there's an expectation of reciprocity. Kids lie outside social norms of reciprocity.
Your safest bet for the mother would be a holiday card with a heartfelt note inside, with a token gift card of 10-15 dollars for coffee. Small enough to not be a grand gesture, and not warrant reciprocity.
posted by bfranklin at 5:43 PM on December 15, 2019 [16 favorites]
Agreed about focusing on a gift for her daughter in terms of spending money.
What about something more symbolic than anything else as a gift for your friend, especially if this is the first year of potentially exchanging gifts? I was thinking about a friendship necklace that splits apart; most of them are hearts or have words engraved on them, but I found some on Amazon that are a bit less obvious, like this one that's two cats that form a circle when they're joined.
posted by current resident at 6:25 PM on December 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
What about something more symbolic than anything else as a gift for your friend, especially if this is the first year of potentially exchanging gifts? I was thinking about a friendship necklace that splits apart; most of them are hearts or have words engraved on them, but I found some on Amazon that are a bit less obvious, like this one that's two cats that form a circle when they're joined.
posted by current resident at 6:25 PM on December 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
In a similar situation I've given my friend things like a really nice blanket that seems like a typical gift but is also useful.
posted by nantucket at 7:53 PM on December 15, 2019
posted by nantucket at 7:53 PM on December 15, 2019
If her child is older it might be a good idea to offer to take the child out so the mother can have some kid-free time. Treat the child to a nice lunch and help them choose a nice gift for their mother. Soooo many times I have seen children accept cash/gift cards for themselves but immediately use them to buy something for their parent. It really makes a difference to a child to be able to show love to their parent in that way.
posted by saucysault at 8:49 PM on December 15, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 8:49 PM on December 15, 2019 [11 favorites]
I am kinda understanding the trepidation of not wanting to appear to caste down on her, as a figure of speaking. It would not be unheard of to secret Santa your gift to her, although if she is in communal housing it may be security challenged. Any gift with a pin code would be good maybe a full month of prepaid phone service or a gift card. Let her decide what to give her kids. If the gift seems to come from you to her kids it may be perceived wrong.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 10:20 PM on December 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 10:20 PM on December 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm sure it would be appreciated, not feel like charity. You're giving gifts because she's your friend, not out of pity.
I'm poor and some of my friends are not, and honestly it's much weirder when they don't do anything for me.
Ask her what her daughter would like.
As far as what to get her, is there something she mentions being inconvenienced the most by? Like if you've heard her complain about cookware or needing a nice sweater or something that'll be appreciated. But I also suggest throwing in something that's more fun than functional--spending my money on functional things makes me feel like a queen when I get nice shower gel, for instance or an Uber gift card that I can also use to get food through Uber Eats.
posted by mermaidcafe at 9:09 AM on December 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
I'm poor and some of my friends are not, and honestly it's much weirder when they don't do anything for me.
Ask her what her daughter would like.
As far as what to get her, is there something she mentions being inconvenienced the most by? Like if you've heard her complain about cookware or needing a nice sweater or something that'll be appreciated. But I also suggest throwing in something that's more fun than functional--spending my money on functional things makes me feel like a queen when I get nice shower gel, for instance or an Uber gift card that I can also use to get food through Uber Eats.
posted by mermaidcafe at 9:09 AM on December 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
Does she have anything on layaway anywhere? It's super easy to anonymously (or not) pay that off for her in one swoop.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:51 AM on December 16, 2019
posted by wenestvedt at 9:51 AM on December 16, 2019
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Maybe something like that? That enables her to make her kid feel special on Christmas. A trip to Target might be good, since she can get clothes and necessities as well as toys, and don’t forget wrapping paper, etc!
posted by katypickle at 5:42 PM on December 15, 2019 [7 favorites]