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You are talented in many ways. In bed.
December 19, 2009 3:15 PM   Subscribe

Give me your best fortunes!

I bought some beautiful ceramic fortune cookies to give as holiday gifts this year. I need some good fortunes to put inside them. I'm looking for short phrases that are sweet and funny. Nothing directly sexual or romantic, but bonus if they sound better with 'in bed' at the end.
posted by iamkimiam to Grab Bag (52 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
Help, I am trapped in a ceramic fortune cookie factory.

Or, more seriously, hit up this Harvard Classics Edition of "The Sayings of Confucius"
posted by strixus at 3:19 PM on December 19, 2009


I just looked up a page of fortune cookie sayings... so many of them 'work' with "In bed." at the end of them.

A few choice examples:

- A thrilling time is in your immediate future.
- Plan for many pleasures ahead.
- Something you lost will soon turn up.
- A pleasant surprise is in store for you.
- Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome.

My favourite of the ones I looked at though, was probably:

- "Don't forget, you are always on our minds."
posted by knapah at 3:29 PM on December 19, 2009


"The way out is through the door."
posted by fixedgear at 3:31 PM on December 19, 2009


Best one I ever got was "Someone can read your mind." Interesting AND creepy!
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:50 PM on December 19, 2009


My favorite fortune I ever got:

"It's party time. Get out your hat."

I can't imagine it being read with any other intonation besides the faux-cajolery of a narrator of educational laser discs.
posted by invitapriore at 3:50 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Everything in moderation. Including moderation. [words to live by, for sure]
posted by DrGail at 3:53 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


The best fortune I ever received was simple, mysterious, and vaguely worrisome:

"Soon, and in good company."
posted by Ghidorah at 3:57 PM on December 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


"You will find happiness with a new love" or "stick with your wife" -The Simspons
posted by Max Power at 3:57 PM on December 19, 2009


"BEHIND YOU!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:17 PM on December 19, 2009


My mother got the same sentence fragment in a fortune cookie twice, Ghidorah. The fragment said simply, "About money." Yeah, she was freaked out about it, especially the second time.
posted by lleachie at 4:20 PM on December 19, 2009


When I was a grad student I got this as a fortune: "you have sound arguments on your side."
posted by advil at 4:31 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


My husband once got one that said "You are the master of every situation." Take that as you will. :P
posted by calistasm at 4:35 PM on December 19, 2009


My favorite: "There's no time like the pleasant!"
posted by funkiwan at 4:38 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


My husband's best: "You are the greatest person in the world."
My best: "No need to worry. You will always have everything you need."
posted by mothershock at 4:42 PM on December 19, 2009


I also got "you are the master of every situation" once, and loved it so much that I put it in a locket. So I don't have any new fortune suggestions, but there's a second vote for that being a good one.
posted by a.steele at 4:47 PM on December 19, 2009


My two best ever:

"You will get some new clothes." The perfect fortune. You read it and think, "What?" Then you think, "Well yeah, eventually in my life I will get new some new clothes!" Then you get chills all over your body, because you have been touched by the finger of the Future.

"You will find a lump of gold." So specific, and so unlikely! This works particularly well with "in bed" because gold would be nice to find anywhere, but what would be nicer than finding gold inside your partner? A nice, sexy lump of it?
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 4:50 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


I've also gotten "No need to worry. You will always have everything you need." I have to admit, I found it oddly comforting (especially with this economy, and being in grad school), and I've kept it ever since.
posted by runningwithscissors at 4:51 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Best one I ever got : "Serious trouble will soon bypass you" -- and it did!

Although I guess that one's really only good if you're expecting serious trouble; otherwise, how would you know if it came true?
posted by Afroblanco at 4:54 PM on December 19, 2009


"Your tongue is your ambassador"

Funny, I just googled it and it looks like someone else has received that fortune too...

"After readying the every emotion, I see some understanding peer entering realm"

That fortune is online as well.

Man, I get some weird ass fortunes.
posted by cloeburner at 5:04 PM on December 19, 2009


"Enjoy yourself while you can."

I looked over my shoulder for weeks after that.
posted by minervous at 5:09 PM on December 19, 2009


My father's college roommate worked briefly as a fortune cookie writer, but he got fired when he suggested "people like you are a dime a dozen". Could be good for a chuckle if you want to use it, but not exactly sweet.

Maybe the opposite of that? Something like "You stand out from those around you".
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:10 PM on December 19, 2009


"Don't eat this cookie"
posted by DB Cooper at 5:11 PM on December 19, 2009


Here's a wonderfully creepy little fortune that's just the right mix of ominous and cheery:

"The fun is just beginning. Take it as it comes."
posted by aquafortis at 5:28 PM on December 19, 2009


The best one I've ever had is "People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner."

I got that fortune while working on a political campaign and spending 4-6 miserable hours every day trying to recruit volunteers over the phone - I taped it to my phone to cheer me up. Last time I dropped by the local headquarters, it was still there - I guess other hapless phone bankers for various things have been buoyed by it too.

Plus it's a good "in bed" one.
posted by naoko at 5:29 PM on December 19, 2009


A friend once got a surprisingly specific fortune: you will soon take a trip to Canada.

I got one saying: You will always get what you want through your charm and personality. I put that on my monitor at work to help inspire me to bend others to my will.

But the best is that a few days after my (then girlfriend, now wife) decided to move in together we went out for Chinese food with a big group of people we both got the same fortune: Your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness. Eleven years later these fortunes are now framed and hanging in our hallway.
posted by shothotbot at 5:47 PM on December 19, 2009


"That wasn't chicken."
posted by magstheaxe at 5:54 PM on December 19, 2009


"Disregard previous cookie."

"See next cookie."
posted by hexatron at 5:55 PM on December 19, 2009


My favorite one ever was "A secret message from your teeth." I get it, sort of.
But since no one will be eating your cookies... my second favorite one was, "This is the year you finally do it." (heh heh... in bed)
posted by Kloryne at 5:59 PM on December 19, 2009


I got one while on my eighth grade field trip: "You will be fortunate at everything you put your hands to."

(Just found the fortune in a junk drawer last weekend. I've had the thing for 21 years now.)
posted by notsnot at 6:26 PM on December 19, 2009


I once got a fortune that confirmed my schizophrenia: "Good luck and fortune to you both!"

And, on my fridge from a long time ago: "The eye of the master will do more work that both his hands" that one might be funny with "in bed" but only in a slightly insulting way
My favorite is:
"It's one of those low-key days that you'd rather spend just chilling."
posted by purpletangerine at 6:37 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I like that one from The Simpsons, "You will find true love on Flag Day."
posted by cali59 at 6:48 PM on December 19, 2009


One my mother got and held on to for many years - "You are doomed to be happy in marriage." She and my dad were married for 43 years until his death.
posted by eleslie at 6:50 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


From my stack of saved fortunes:

Someone thinks you are wonderfully mysterious.
You will not regret starting over.
Your charm will have them singing like birds.
You will become better acquainted with a coworker.
You can have your cake and eat it, too.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:54 PM on December 19, 2009


I got "Among the lucky you are the chosen." Twice. I'm still vaguely concerned about it.
posted by mollweide at 7:30 PM on December 19, 2009


My favorite -- "Only listen to fortune cookie, disregard all other fortune telling units." This is how "fortune cookie" will take over the world.
posted by Sculthorpe at 7:39 PM on December 19, 2009


The strangest, funniest fortune I received said "Promote literacy: buy a box of fortune cookies today."

Self-serving-yet-altruistic fortune cookies?
posted by socratic at 7:47 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ones I've saved:

"Don't underestimate yourself. Your social skills are needed by others at this time."

"You are kind-hearted, hospitable, cheerful and well-liked."

Both are hilariously off the mark for me.
posted by mnemonic at 8:04 PM on December 19, 2009


Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.
posted by sourwookie at 8:36 PM on December 19, 2009


The best fortune I ever got, which I keep in my wallet, read "Don't panic."
posted by Ruki at 8:49 PM on December 19, 2009


"You enjoy sports, horses, and gambling, but not to excess."
This fortune elevated a normal plate of greasy General Tso's to the stuff of legends.
posted by The White Hat at 8:51 PM on December 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


You may not want to use it, but I once got "you are at once insightful, sporty, and intensely restless." For the life of me I have no idea what this was supposed to mean.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:27 PM on December 19, 2009


"You will attend a party where strange customs will prevail".
posted by uncaken at 9:43 PM on December 19, 2009


I got one a couple months ago that I still keep in my wallet, mainly because I have no clue what it means:

"Don't Put Things Off, Put Them Over!"
posted by Detuned Radio at 11:22 PM on December 19, 2009


My favorite:
"When in your neighbors pumpkin patch, never stoop to tie your shoes"
posted by Acacia at 4:09 AM on December 20, 2009


"You enjoy horses, drink and gambling. But not to excess."

"When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out. Because that's what's inside."
posted by wrok at 7:10 AM on December 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh, man, I actually kept (and, ahem, framed) all my best ones from college (so they all work with "in bed" of course). The best ones (to use with "in bed") are at the end:

Be on the alert for new opportunity

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs

You won't be bored for long! New adventures are on their way.

You are one of the people who "goes places in life"

Your character can be described as natural and unrestrained

A charming friendship is in the making

You will always get what you want through your charm and personality

It is very possible that you will achieve greatness in your lifetime

Your skills will accomplish what the force of many cannot

You will enjoy good health, you will be surrounded by luxury

The first step to better times is to imagine them

Don't be surprised by the emergence of undiscovered talents!

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals



Really, these are actual fortunes I received. Some of them are old enough they don't even have lottery numbers.
posted by timepiece at 9:35 AM on December 20, 2009


this one I got was pretty intense:

"If you don't run your subconscious mind, someone else will."

Also, don't underestimate the power of strangely placed fortunes. When I was younger, my dad slipped the following fortune into the jewel case for the computer game Diablo, between the front plastic and the cover insert (which had a big picture of Diablo): "There is a true and sincere bond between you and your friends." Umm...yes.
posted by captain cosine at 11:26 AM on December 20, 2009


One of my favorites read "You will always be surrounded by true friends."
posted by roomwithaview at 11:43 AM on December 20, 2009


The only fortune I actually remember getting was the one that didn't work with "in bed":

"Everything looks better after a good night's sleep."
posted by Johnny Assay at 3:47 PM on December 20, 2009


I once got, "Still Hungry? Have another fortune cookie!"
posted by robstercraw at 6:19 PM on December 20, 2009


~Hi! Hop Sing here. I'm eleven years old and trapped in fortune cookie factory. Please send help.~
posted by Muirwylde at 12:40 AM on December 21, 2009


"It tastes sweet. "

Seriously, that's what it said.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:11 AM on December 23, 2009


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