Would you text again in this situation?

December 12, 2019 8:56 AM

Met a guy, thought we hit it off, texted him, no response. Complications: mutual friends. Text again? (Filter: gay men, answers from a straight perspective not really useful or welcomed)

Last fall a good friend came to town for a conference (he comes every year), we had dinner with him and some other friends, all of whom I knew except for one guy. He started flirting with me, I reciprocated, we ended up making out a bit at 3AM. Didn't really give him much thought, was a nice time with someone who doesn't live near me. Between visits, wasn't in contact except to ask him if he wanted to stay with me this year, he said yes, for 1 night so he could also hang with our friends.

He stayed with me, we had a great time, I kind of liked him so I asked my friend about him and he was like "yeah give it a shot, I think he likes you" so I did. Just texted that I liked him and would like to see him again sooner rather than later, it was totally fine if he didn't feel the same way. That was Monday and I haven't received a response.

I asked our friend about it and he was like "hm yeah that's odd but I haven't heard from him, either, and I usually do, give it a bit more time".

Normally in this situation I would definitely not text again, but the mutual friend thing is throwing me. It just strikes me as odd that someone with mutual friends would just straight up ignore a text. I also don't want to drag our friend into the middle of anything (which is tough as this friend is someone I go to when I need advice or a gut check.) I wouldn't text anything inappropriate or angry, just like a "hey on the off chance you missed this, if I don't get a response to this I won't contact you again, hope you're well" sort of thing.

posted by Automocar to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Best answer: I wouldn't text again. Add to his behavior that long-distance relationships are a drag. (Not in the good way.)
posted by tmdonahue at 9:07 AM on December 12, 2019 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Your instinct is correct. Whether he's avoiding answering, or simply can't, for various reasons, the ball is in his court now. You could eventually rule out which it is by asking your mutual friend to let you know if he hears from him, but if he only comes to town once a year, why bother?
posted by ubiquity at 9:07 AM on December 12, 2019 [3 favorites]

I would listen to your friend and give it more time. If he’s busy or overwhelmed or having phone problems or whatever, sending another text isn’t going to help anything. And is likely to only make you feel worse.

Also some people (especially gay dudes in my experience but that might just be sample bias) are just “bad at texting” which IMO really means bad at communicating and tending relationships.
posted by overglow at 9:17 AM on December 12, 2019 [5 favorites]

Texting again in this situation is the wrong choice. Would I do it? Probably, but it wouldn't be a good choice. There's all sorts of fantasmical stories that can be invented to explain why he didn't respond, but the most realistic one is, he saw it, he's not interested and he's blowing you off. You all only hung out twice so I consider this a fair response (I know others don't agree but I think a silent blowoff is often the best). At the very least, you have to keep your mutual friend out of it going forward.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:20 AM on December 12, 2019 [3 favorites]

i don't think another text would accomplish anything that waiting won't.
posted by gaybobbie at 9:36 AM on December 12, 2019 [13 favorites]

Best answer: I feel like I've been some version of you in this story and the answer was "don't text" which I of course did the opposite of. Texting again will transparently look like "hey, but you seemed interested." And "hey, but you seemed interested" is a drag of a feeling to get stuck with but...he is or he isn't, and he almost certainly got and read your text. Sorry and I hope it turns out well and he didn't text because he hadn't gotten around to it/isn't an immediate texter-backer.
posted by less of course at 9:50 AM on December 12, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't text again. He saw your text and chose not to respond.
posted by zzazazz at 10:05 AM on December 12, 2019 [1 favorite]

Best answer: He has your number, too, right? So even if he didn't get the text, he could choose to reach out. My impulse is always to text again, but whenever I have, the result is not what I want. (I'm a straight woman FWIW though).

I was also wondering about the chance that the mutual friend mentioned it to him. This mutual connection seems to make it more likely that he knows you like him.

Don't feel bad though! It happens to everyone, and is likely nothing personal. I would wait a while but focus your attention elsewhere. He may reach out at some point, but don't bet on it.
posted by bearette at 10:58 AM on December 12, 2019

Anecdote: I once confessed my feelings for a friend via text in a similar situation. I didn't hear back for 3 days, I didn't send another text in the meantime, and they did eventually text me back and tell me they weren't interested.

It's better to wait. If you really feel the need to send another text in order to not leave things hanging, it should be something friendly along the lines of "hey, I take that to mean you're not as keen as I am, that's cool, hope to cross paths with you in the future".
posted by mekily at 11:58 AM on December 12, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think specifically texting "Hey, I like you and want to see you again" and "it's fine if you don't feel the same way" may have put him on the spot with its directness - it kind of forces him now to decide if he wants to pursue something specific or not, and he can't see you without it being something specific. If I reading this question correctly, you've really only met him twice so I would probably play it a little slower next time. Others probably disagree, which is fine.

But in this instance, I wouldn't text again. You can tell the mutual friend to update you if he does hear anything, but otherwise just leave it be. Texting again won't accomplish anything.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:20 PM on December 12, 2019

It's a text. Who knows if it was even read? Would you consider doing something a little less passive, like calling him to say hello? Or even, on the more passive side, asking your mutual friend if they can ferry a message?

Earlier this year I met a very cool guy who I thought dropped off the face of the Earth. I let it go, bit one day got an irritated text from him saying that he was really surprised that I was the kind of guy who would ghost someone. I was so confused! I called him, we talked. No idea what happened, bit he swears he sent texts that I never got. So, texting, amirite? Not the best way to communicate.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:24 PM on December 12, 2019 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I have decided not to text again, thanks for confirming my gut instinct, everyone! I still think it's weird, we have mutual friends so the chances of us seeing each other again are pretty high, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I suppose.
posted by Automocar at 7:12 AM on December 13, 2019

I once had a situation where a text that would have alleviated a lot of anxiety was not received by me until 3 months(!) later! I think my friend (in another country, not just another city or state) received my initial text of concern for his whereabouts during a move and knowing there was a natural disaster nearby him - and he immediately texted to say he was fine - but I did not receive it... You just never know where those texts may be. Not to say that this is the case, but texting is not infallible. In this case, I did hear from him sooner than that - but I doubted whether he was being honest with me about responding right away.
posted by itsflyable at 7:41 AM on December 14, 2019