How to move on from homophobic abuse in a relationship?
November 15, 2019 8:00 AM Subscribe
My [F 30] ex-girlfriend [F 28] went on a seven-week course she needed for her degree this summer. She met a guy there that she says she wasn't interested in, but who was interested in her. Instead of telling him she had a partner of a year and a half, she pretended to be single. When she got back, he sent her presents and love letters to our shared apartment. When I asked her why he didn't respect our relationship, she just said: "You have to understand that I have always been ashamed of you and that I will always be ashamed of you." She then went on to explain to me that she knows she can't love a man like she loves me, but that she doesn't believe same-sex love and relationships are real. We had been planning a life together at that point, talking openly about marriage and kids. Of course we are no longer together. But how do I ever get over this? How do I ever not think of myself as a disgusting homosexual again?
We met in graduate school in the U.S., a super liberal place with lots of gay and trans people. Still, we both come from very homophobic backgrounds (me Catholic, her Eastern European) and pretty abusive homes (lots of yelling and belittling from her parents, mental illness and violence from mine). As a consequence, things were hard, the gay thing notwithstanding. I'd had some experience with love and dating. She, on the other hand, hadn't even been in a relationship before, because women were forbidden and men didn't feel right. We made it work regardless and the good times were good. We fell deeply in love. But her homophobia, her parents' judgments, her bizarre vision of romance and biology were always with us and she took things out on me.
She wouldn't look in the mirror with me. She would refuse to take photographs with the two of us together. She would deny me in front of her friends and family, even those who were nothing but supportive of gay rights and relationships. Even when people around us realized we were dating and were happy for us, she would pretend to leave parties or the library separately, to make a point. She pretended gifts I had given her were from someone else. She changed my pronouns to male ones or "them" when talking about me to strangers. She told me what to wear (nothing too masculine... even though I mostly wear skirts to begin with), how to talk about myself (I wasn't allowed to call myself a lesbian, because that would have made her a lesbian), what movies to watch (anything about members of the LGBTQ community actually leaving the closet put her on edge). By the end I was walking on eggshells around her, waiting for her silent disapproval, her scorn, her stone-walling to hit me at every turn. She never openly told me what she thought or needed, she just clammed up and shut down when I failed to read her mind.
She never made me her priority, always put everything else first, belittled our relationship, criticized me for never opening up. I worked so hard on myself to learn to communicate better and allow true intimacy, to take charge of the relationship emotionally and nurture it through conversation and curiosity. I changed for the better a great deal. Only to realize now that it's all over that it wasn't only or even principally me who needed to learn all these things. I know she was deeply in love with me, but still she treated me like a piece of literal trash. She talked about me like a pest. She liked to say "You derailed my life." As if me loving her was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. And then she dropped me with those words "You have to understand, I'll always be ashamed of you," as if it was the most logical thing in the world.
I know it's my fault for putting up with this. I know it's wrong to enter a relationship waiting for someone to change. But I also know it's hard growing up gay in a homophobic environment and a little more patience and compassion is necessary from everyone involved. Except all that patience and compassion came only from me and I hate myself for it.
Her shameful words ring in my ears every second of every day, and it's been almost three months. I feel completely worthless for wanting to have a wife and children someday. I hear her scoff and tell me that same-sex love isn't real love, that she wants to marry a man even though she can't love a man. She can't even get wet when sleeping with a man, which breaks my heart for her. I and probably a lot of other gay women know what it feels like to force yourself to be intimate with someone you don't desire. It's terrible.
Still, I am left feeling like a whore here, too. I was good enough to fuck, but not build a future with. I was good enough to provide emotional comfort, take care of her needs, be there for her in times of trouble, but not to even be acknowledged in public. I was her dirty little secret and she did nothing to try and change the way she thought about her own shame, despite the over-abundance of free counseling resources at our fancy liberal university. Despite my constant, gentle encouragement.
I have had to conclude that I'm worthless. That she didn't have a problem treating me this way, because she saw no value in me. Because she would not have done this to a person she thought was worth more than the shit underneath her shoe. I know one's self-worth can't come from another person. And I also know that it's ultimately her own sexuality, not me, that she despises. And I know that she's the real tragic character in this story, because she's the one still chasing a heterosexual fantasy that won't ultimately make her happy. But being treated this way for so long has left me feeling completely invalid and maybe I also need to move on somehow.
Deep down I feel like a disgusting homosexual who doesn't deserve love or care or attention. I used to be optimistic about having my own family, but now I feel like I don't even deserve a partner or parenthood. And nothing I have done so far (therapy, talking to friends, going out on dates, trying new hobbies, moving away) has helped me change that mindset. What can I do to stop feeling this way?
We met in graduate school in the U.S., a super liberal place with lots of gay and trans people. Still, we both come from very homophobic backgrounds (me Catholic, her Eastern European) and pretty abusive homes (lots of yelling and belittling from her parents, mental illness and violence from mine). As a consequence, things were hard, the gay thing notwithstanding. I'd had some experience with love and dating. She, on the other hand, hadn't even been in a relationship before, because women were forbidden and men didn't feel right. We made it work regardless and the good times were good. We fell deeply in love. But her homophobia, her parents' judgments, her bizarre vision of romance and biology were always with us and she took things out on me.
She wouldn't look in the mirror with me. She would refuse to take photographs with the two of us together. She would deny me in front of her friends and family, even those who were nothing but supportive of gay rights and relationships. Even when people around us realized we were dating and were happy for us, she would pretend to leave parties or the library separately, to make a point. She pretended gifts I had given her were from someone else. She changed my pronouns to male ones or "them" when talking about me to strangers. She told me what to wear (nothing too masculine... even though I mostly wear skirts to begin with), how to talk about myself (I wasn't allowed to call myself a lesbian, because that would have made her a lesbian), what movies to watch (anything about members of the LGBTQ community actually leaving the closet put her on edge). By the end I was walking on eggshells around her, waiting for her silent disapproval, her scorn, her stone-walling to hit me at every turn. She never openly told me what she thought or needed, she just clammed up and shut down when I failed to read her mind.
She never made me her priority, always put everything else first, belittled our relationship, criticized me for never opening up. I worked so hard on myself to learn to communicate better and allow true intimacy, to take charge of the relationship emotionally and nurture it through conversation and curiosity. I changed for the better a great deal. Only to realize now that it's all over that it wasn't only or even principally me who needed to learn all these things. I know she was deeply in love with me, but still she treated me like a piece of literal trash. She talked about me like a pest. She liked to say "You derailed my life." As if me loving her was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. And then she dropped me with those words "You have to understand, I'll always be ashamed of you," as if it was the most logical thing in the world.
I know it's my fault for putting up with this. I know it's wrong to enter a relationship waiting for someone to change. But I also know it's hard growing up gay in a homophobic environment and a little more patience and compassion is necessary from everyone involved. Except all that patience and compassion came only from me and I hate myself for it.
Her shameful words ring in my ears every second of every day, and it's been almost three months. I feel completely worthless for wanting to have a wife and children someday. I hear her scoff and tell me that same-sex love isn't real love, that she wants to marry a man even though she can't love a man. She can't even get wet when sleeping with a man, which breaks my heart for her. I and probably a lot of other gay women know what it feels like to force yourself to be intimate with someone you don't desire. It's terrible.
Still, I am left feeling like a whore here, too. I was good enough to fuck, but not build a future with. I was good enough to provide emotional comfort, take care of her needs, be there for her in times of trouble, but not to even be acknowledged in public. I was her dirty little secret and she did nothing to try and change the way she thought about her own shame, despite the over-abundance of free counseling resources at our fancy liberal university. Despite my constant, gentle encouragement.
I have had to conclude that I'm worthless. That she didn't have a problem treating me this way, because she saw no value in me. Because she would not have done this to a person she thought was worth more than the shit underneath her shoe. I know one's self-worth can't come from another person. And I also know that it's ultimately her own sexuality, not me, that she despises. And I know that she's the real tragic character in this story, because she's the one still chasing a heterosexual fantasy that won't ultimately make her happy. But being treated this way for so long has left me feeling completely invalid and maybe I also need to move on somehow.
Deep down I feel like a disgusting homosexual who doesn't deserve love or care or attention. I used to be optimistic about having my own family, but now I feel like I don't even deserve a partner or parenthood. And nothing I have done so far (therapy, talking to friends, going out on dates, trying new hobbies, moving away) has helped me change that mindset. What can I do to stop feeling this way?
Oh my goodness, I am so, so sorry. None of that was okay, no matter what was going on in her head, and I am so sorry she treated you like someone to be ashamed of. I'm really angry on your behalf. Just to set the stage and give you a little context for my comments here, I'm also a queer woman from a rather homophobic Catholic background in grad school, and I'm just about your age [29]. Please feel free to MeMail me if you'd like.
But I also know it's hard growing up gay in a homophobic environment and a little more patience and compassion is necessary from everyone involved.
The thing is, there's a line here. Yeah? You come from a conservative and homophobic Catholic background, you said, and so do I--but I can't think, from what you've laid out here, that you would ever treat either your ex or, hell, me (a queer woman you've never met) like that.
You are not anything to be ashamed of. You've done nothing to be ashamed of. You extended compassion and care to someone who turned that compassion into shame because she couldn't stand herself, and who turned her own self-loathing into some more self loathing for you. You didn't do anything wrong.
I think that what you need most is to be around queer folks who get you, who can support you with community and surround you with some love and attention until it finally seeps into the chapped sores your ex left behind. Sometimes it can be a little scary to do that when you come out of a culturally conservative and homophobic place into a super liberal, friendly, progressive environment: for me, there's often a kind of dualistic shame, both from being treated poorly by my family but also for being "behind" in my maturity or my experience on account of not having been able to do the kind of experimenting and fucking up and being a kid as a teenager that many of my straight friends and queer friends from supportive households and cities got to do. There's a narrative that in this day and age of Obergefell and Windsor, we ought to be "over" this kind of thing, and that maybe older people are allowed to have the scars of this kind of homophobic background and family but I shouldn't be dealing with it.
All of that's bullshit, but if it's going on with you, I see you and it's okay. There's less judgement, I find, than I often anticipate when I brace myself. Nevertheless: I think you need to be surrounded by queer folks right now. I think it would be good for you to spend some time in spaces where there are queer couples around you and a lot of people who let you feel seen on this level. If you don't have a local scene near you, see if there's a local LGBTQ meetup or sports league, and just... try to make yourself show up one day a week for a while. If that's too much, spend some time reading Autostraddle and maybe check in on their comments sections. Find spaces where you can be surrounded by people who let you feel seen.
If your therapist isn't themself queer, also, I would consider looking for one who is. You can search by that on Psychology Today, and your experience is so culturally coded that I encourage you to seek a therapist who is fluent in those experiences.
posted by sciatrix at 8:35 AM on November 15, 2019 [22 favorites]
But I also know it's hard growing up gay in a homophobic environment and a little more patience and compassion is necessary from everyone involved.
The thing is, there's a line here. Yeah? You come from a conservative and homophobic Catholic background, you said, and so do I--but I can't think, from what you've laid out here, that you would ever treat either your ex or, hell, me (a queer woman you've never met) like that.
You are not anything to be ashamed of. You've done nothing to be ashamed of. You extended compassion and care to someone who turned that compassion into shame because she couldn't stand herself, and who turned her own self-loathing into some more self loathing for you. You didn't do anything wrong.
I think that what you need most is to be around queer folks who get you, who can support you with community and surround you with some love and attention until it finally seeps into the chapped sores your ex left behind. Sometimes it can be a little scary to do that when you come out of a culturally conservative and homophobic place into a super liberal, friendly, progressive environment: for me, there's often a kind of dualistic shame, both from being treated poorly by my family but also for being "behind" in my maturity or my experience on account of not having been able to do the kind of experimenting and fucking up and being a kid as a teenager that many of my straight friends and queer friends from supportive households and cities got to do. There's a narrative that in this day and age of Obergefell and Windsor, we ought to be "over" this kind of thing, and that maybe older people are allowed to have the scars of this kind of homophobic background and family but I shouldn't be dealing with it.
All of that's bullshit, but if it's going on with you, I see you and it's okay. There's less judgement, I find, than I often anticipate when I brace myself. Nevertheless: I think you need to be surrounded by queer folks right now. I think it would be good for you to spend some time in spaces where there are queer couples around you and a lot of people who let you feel seen on this level. If you don't have a local scene near you, see if there's a local LGBTQ meetup or sports league, and just... try to make yourself show up one day a week for a while. If that's too much, spend some time reading Autostraddle and maybe check in on their comments sections. Find spaces where you can be surrounded by people who let you feel seen.
If your therapist isn't themself queer, also, I would consider looking for one who is. You can search by that on Psychology Today, and your experience is so culturally coded that I encourage you to seek a therapist who is fluent in those experiences.
posted by sciatrix at 8:35 AM on November 15, 2019 [22 favorites]
Whoa. My heart is really feeling for you here. You have survived some terrible abuse - that is the problem, not your sexuality.
Do you have any *queer* community? How many gay friends do you have? Do you spend time in spaces where queer families exist? What kind of media do you read and watch - what kind of families does it show?
I think if you've been trying to heal yourself by getting out in the straight world, that's not necessarily going to help you normalize gay culture and life. I think you should try to find some places where the gays are happy and live normal lives and be there, and read some books and watch some media about happy queer life. These are normal families and live happy lives.
Then imagine yourself as one of them. You can have a wife and children - many, many women do.
Also, yeah, a queer therapist. If you live in a big liberal city it should be possible to find a clinician who shares your identity. I think that would help.
Basically, get yourself as deeply into queer culture as you can - normalize these lives for yourself. Make every book you read, every blog, all your music, every cafe, your friends, all of it as queer as possible. Hopefully that will help you see that you are normal and fine and ordinary as anyone.
posted by epanalepsis at 8:45 AM on November 15, 2019 [17 favorites]
Do you have any *queer* community? How many gay friends do you have? Do you spend time in spaces where queer families exist? What kind of media do you read and watch - what kind of families does it show?
I think if you've been trying to heal yourself by getting out in the straight world, that's not necessarily going to help you normalize gay culture and life. I think you should try to find some places where the gays are happy and live normal lives and be there, and read some books and watch some media about happy queer life. These are normal families and live happy lives.
Then imagine yourself as one of them. You can have a wife and children - many, many women do.
Also, yeah, a queer therapist. If you live in a big liberal city it should be possible to find a clinician who shares your identity. I think that would help.
Basically, get yourself as deeply into queer culture as you can - normalize these lives for yourself. Make every book you read, every blog, all your music, every cafe, your friends, all of it as queer as possible. Hopefully that will help you see that you are normal and fine and ordinary as anyone.
posted by epanalepsis at 8:45 AM on November 15, 2019 [17 favorites]
Three months is a very, very short time to try to sort through this level of ongoing emotional abuse. You're doing a great job of recognizing that the way she treated you was wrong and not your fault—even if you haven't fully internalized it yet, I think being able to notice and articulate all the ways in which she mistreated you is evidence that you are moving forward. It takes as long as it takes. It takes a long time.
In addition to the great advice to surround yourself with other queer people (in, if possible, every stage from single to married with children), I'd add that Carmen Maria Machado's just-released memoir might really speak to you. Societally we tend not to acknowledge or talk about abuse in relationships between women, which can add to the shame and secrecy and also make it harder to recognize that everything you know about abusive relationships (it's not the victim's fault for not leaving, it takes so much strength to get out, it takes so long to get over, and in many ways you don't get over it at all) applies to you too. At three months out, you may be too raw for it, but I feel like you might find it healing in the future.
posted by babelfish at 8:57 AM on November 15, 2019 [17 favorites]
In addition to the great advice to surround yourself with other queer people (in, if possible, every stage from single to married with children), I'd add that Carmen Maria Machado's just-released memoir might really speak to you. Societally we tend not to acknowledge or talk about abuse in relationships between women, which can add to the shame and secrecy and also make it harder to recognize that everything you know about abusive relationships (it's not the victim's fault for not leaving, it takes so much strength to get out, it takes so long to get over, and in many ways you don't get over it at all) applies to you too. At three months out, you may be too raw for it, but I feel like you might find it healing in the future.
posted by babelfish at 8:57 AM on November 15, 2019 [17 favorites]
I am so sorry. The way she treated you was awful. Abuse is never your fault.
If my words as a queer person (on the internet) help: You are wonderful person. You deserve love. You deserve your dream of a wife and family.
Do you live in an area that has queer culture and connection? Meet other queer/lesbian/homosexual people. Watch queer media, read queer authors, listen to queer musicians. Join an online community. Identify as a lesbian, if that is the way you want to identify.
Queer community has been really important to me. I was also raised Catholic, with a lot of associated guilt and shame. But I've been out as a queer person for decades(!) now and have met a lot of other wonderful queers and have an affirming queer community. I also have a queer wife and we are expanding our family; your dream is beautiful and possible. Us queers are out here. Come join us, because we want you to be part of it, too.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:13 AM on November 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
If my words as a queer person (on the internet) help: You are wonderful person. You deserve love. You deserve your dream of a wife and family.
Do you live in an area that has queer culture and connection? Meet other queer/lesbian/homosexual people. Watch queer media, read queer authors, listen to queer musicians. Join an online community. Identify as a lesbian, if that is the way you want to identify.
Queer community has been really important to me. I was also raised Catholic, with a lot of associated guilt and shame. But I've been out as a queer person for decades(!) now and have met a lot of other wonderful queers and have an affirming queer community. I also have a queer wife and we are expanding our family; your dream is beautiful and possible. Us queers are out here. Come join us, because we want you to be part of it, too.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:13 AM on November 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
Maybe I shouldn't say anything because I'm a middle-aged cishet white dude, but HOLY CRAP that sounds awful and invalidating, and I wish you were our friend so we could hug you and help you and remind you that you're awesome and worthy and deserving of love and respect and happiness. Because you are.
I hope saying this here is worth something. Holy shit I'm so sorry this happened to you.
posted by uberchet at 9:21 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
I hope saying this here is worth something. Holy shit I'm so sorry this happened to you.
posted by uberchet at 9:21 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
I am so sorry this happened. It's one thing to get something intellectually and another to get it emotionally. To grok it as embodied truth. I think you need to be around people who aren't ashamed of being queer or loving differently so you get some feedback to override this horrific toxic behavior.
I also hope you will learn to see that you deserve to be with someone that is willing to truly own the fact that they are with you. Yes it's hard growing up gay in a homophobic environment, but that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your own dignity. You can be encouraging, but you can also draw a line in the sand if you need to. That's a way to help other queer people recognize that healthy self-worth is a birthright.
If you understand these things intellectually and need help embodying them I would recommend working with a somatically oriented therapist. You're addressing it in therapy but I would guess it is a top down approach (change the thoughts to change the emotions) and maybe a bottom up approach would serve you better in this particular situation.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:22 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
I also hope you will learn to see that you deserve to be with someone that is willing to truly own the fact that they are with you. Yes it's hard growing up gay in a homophobic environment, but that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your own dignity. You can be encouraging, but you can also draw a line in the sand if you need to. That's a way to help other queer people recognize that healthy self-worth is a birthright.
If you understand these things intellectually and need help embodying them I would recommend working with a somatically oriented therapist. You're addressing it in therapy but I would guess it is a top down approach (change the thoughts to change the emotions) and maybe a bottom up approach would serve you better in this particular situation.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:22 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
What can I do to stop feeling this way?
You are being really, really hard on yourself. The answer to your question is time. Time to heal, time to learn to love yourself again. Time to recognise that you are worth loving.
You were together for what, five? seven? eight years? I wouldn’t expect anyone to get over a relationship of that length in three months. I certainly wouldn’t expect someone who had been treated the way you were & forced to deny their own identity in order to get the love & attention to magically bounce back from being treated that way for years on end in only three months.
Keep doing the therapy. Keep talking to friends. Give yourself time to heal, knowing that you will heal & that it’s OK for it to take a while. Everyone here is rooting for you.
posted by pharm at 9:35 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
You are being really, really hard on yourself. The answer to your question is time. Time to heal, time to learn to love yourself again. Time to recognise that you are worth loving.
You were together for what, five? seven? eight years? I wouldn’t expect anyone to get over a relationship of that length in three months. I certainly wouldn’t expect someone who had been treated the way you were & forced to deny their own identity in order to get the love & attention to magically bounce back from being treated that way for years on end in only three months.
Keep doing the therapy. Keep talking to friends. Give yourself time to heal, knowing that you will heal & that it’s OK for it to take a while. Everyone here is rooting for you.
posted by pharm at 9:35 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Another (middle-aged) lesbian here. I can’t say much more than the great comments already made except that I am so deeply sorry you were abused.
I grew up in a very homophobic environment as well – Eastern European/Eastern Orthodox background. I understand the shame, but that’s absolutely no excuse for being treated so horribly. You deserve love, this was not your fault and it will take time. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by Lescha at 9:44 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
I grew up in a very homophobic environment as well – Eastern European/Eastern Orthodox background. I understand the shame, but that’s absolutely no excuse for being treated so horribly. You deserve love, this was not your fault and it will take time. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by Lescha at 9:44 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
I was tearing up as I read your post. This internet stranger is proud of you for getting out of an abusive relationship.
I think in time your toxic beliefs will change as you continue to work with a therapist and seek out other queer women for community. It's going to take some time, and I don't think anybody can tell you exactly how much. It sounds like you are doing the right things, so keep going.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:13 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think in time your toxic beliefs will change as you continue to work with a therapist and seek out other queer women for community. It's going to take some time, and I don't think anybody can tell you exactly how much. It sounds like you are doing the right things, so keep going.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:13 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
>How do I ever not think of myself as a disgusting homosexual again?
Your former partner's remarks had nothing to do with you. Presumably she would prefer to feel okay about herself, but she can't, because she was indoctrinated with terrible ideas.
The act of teaching your kids to hate themselves is shameful and disgusting. Being gay is not. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You will find the strength to move past and rise above this. Believe in yourself. We are all rooting for you.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
Your former partner's remarks had nothing to do with you. Presumably she would prefer to feel okay about herself, but she can't, because she was indoctrinated with terrible ideas.
The act of teaching your kids to hate themselves is shameful and disgusting. Being gay is not. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You will find the strength to move past and rise above this. Believe in yourself. We are all rooting for you.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
In my mind, anyone who can write such a deeply felt post as yours, isn't any of this-- "Deep down I feel like a disgusting homosexual who doesn't deserve love or care or attention."-- the person who wrote this post has strength and dignity and self-value because you recognize that you were deeply abused.
I know so so so many people who have been in the "for now, not forever" relationship, and the pain it causes is the same everywhere.
You weren't wrong. You showed patience and compassion, and that is never wrong. You did not a thing wrong. You did all the right things, and unfortunately, it didn't work out. Not because of you though.
You loved someone fully. That's beautiful.
And now its ok, to let that go, and love yourself.
posted by Ftsqg at 10:42 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
I know so so so many people who have been in the "for now, not forever" relationship, and the pain it causes is the same everywhere.
You weren't wrong. You showed patience and compassion, and that is never wrong. You did not a thing wrong. You did all the right things, and unfortunately, it didn't work out. Not because of you though.
You loved someone fully. That's beautiful.
And now its ok, to let that go, and love yourself.
posted by Ftsqg at 10:42 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
Jeez, the level of abuse you describe is almost unthinkable. Its obvious you're a kind-hearted, emotionally intelligent, sensitive person and I hurt for you. I feel your pain through the page. So proud of you for getting out of there.
I just wanted to agree with the others that three months is nothing. I've been in few bad/abusive relationships and it's taken at least a few more months than three to recover my self-worth and feel whole enough to date again. But recover I did, each time. And you will too, like so many of us before you.
Please don't despair that you're not yet over that mindfuck. I can practically assure you there's some hope and comfort around the corner; just gotta hold on endure the pain for a while longer.
posted by shaademaan at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I just wanted to agree with the others that three months is nothing. I've been in few bad/abusive relationships and it's taken at least a few more months than three to recover my self-worth and feel whole enough to date again. But recover I did, each time. And you will too, like so many of us before you.
Please don't despair that you're not yet over that mindfuck. I can practically assure you there's some hope and comfort around the corner; just gotta hold on endure the pain for a while longer.
posted by shaademaan at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm absolutely horrified by the way your ex treated you. It's one of the worst cases of emotional abuse I ever heard of.
You've gotten a lot of sound advice in this thread, so I'll just make one suggestion: that you promise yourself that you will never again continue dating anyone who doesn't treat you with respect and care.
posted by orange swan at 11:20 AM on November 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
You've gotten a lot of sound advice in this thread, so I'll just make one suggestion: that you promise yourself that you will never again continue dating anyone who doesn't treat you with respect and care.
posted by orange swan at 11:20 AM on November 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
As I emerged from an emotionally abusive relationship, a therapist asked me a question that pulled me up out of a deep well of self-hatred & doubt: "How did you feel about yourself before this relationship?"
I realized the awful things I thought I was telling myself were actually the voice of my abuser rattling around in my head. It became a lot easier to stop listening to them once I realized it was all him.
posted by burntflowers at 11:23 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
I realized the awful things I thought I was telling myself were actually the voice of my abuser rattling around in my head. It became a lot easier to stop listening to them once I realized it was all him.
posted by burntflowers at 11:23 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
I have had to conclude that I'm worthless.
What's happened here is essentially that your brain has been hacked.
You've made yourself vulnerable to another person, which is a perfectly fine thing to have done in the context of the intimate relationship you thought you were in, and she has completely taken advantage of that in order to use you as a dumping ground for her huge stock of terrible ideas. Now you're stuck with a truckload of those, and will remain stuck with them until you've done the huge amount of work required to clean up in there and toss them all.
This is not just. This is not fair. This is not reasonable. This is not something you've chosen to bring upon yourself. This is a horrible thing that somebody else has done to you because she is fucked up. And far from being evidence that you are worthless, what you're currently dealing with is evidence that your former partner was both utterly unscrupulous and utterly disrespectful. You did the right thing by ending that relationship, and you deserve a great deal of praise for the courage it took to do so.
It's going to feel awful in there for quite some while, but that doesn't mean that your present opinion about your own worthlessness is either permanent or justifiable. Not only is it neither; it's probably not even your opinion. It's hers, and she's abusive. So the first thing to do is to convince yourself that being this down on yourself will pass as you recover from the injury your abuser has inflicted upon you.
And as burntflowers wisely observes, the surest way to do that is to pay more attention to the voice in which you hear these thoughts arrive than to their actual content. Anything even vaguely negative that turns up in your abuser's voice? Toss it as soon as you spot it. Send it on it's way with "oh fuck off" to follow, as if it were a nuisance caller trying to convince you that your Internet is about to be cut off due to Suspicious Activity Being Detected From Your IP Address, because that's really the appropriate level of uselessness to ascribe to it.
posted by flabdablet at 11:51 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
What's happened here is essentially that your brain has been hacked.
You've made yourself vulnerable to another person, which is a perfectly fine thing to have done in the context of the intimate relationship you thought you were in, and she has completely taken advantage of that in order to use you as a dumping ground for her huge stock of terrible ideas. Now you're stuck with a truckload of those, and will remain stuck with them until you've done the huge amount of work required to clean up in there and toss them all.
This is not just. This is not fair. This is not reasonable. This is not something you've chosen to bring upon yourself. This is a horrible thing that somebody else has done to you because she is fucked up. And far from being evidence that you are worthless, what you're currently dealing with is evidence that your former partner was both utterly unscrupulous and utterly disrespectful. You did the right thing by ending that relationship, and you deserve a great deal of praise for the courage it took to do so.
It's going to feel awful in there for quite some while, but that doesn't mean that your present opinion about your own worthlessness is either permanent or justifiable. Not only is it neither; it's probably not even your opinion. It's hers, and she's abusive. So the first thing to do is to convince yourself that being this down on yourself will pass as you recover from the injury your abuser has inflicted upon you.
And as burntflowers wisely observes, the surest way to do that is to pay more attention to the voice in which you hear these thoughts arrive than to their actual content. Anything even vaguely negative that turns up in your abuser's voice? Toss it as soon as you spot it. Send it on it's way with "oh fuck off" to follow, as if it were a nuisance caller trying to convince you that your Internet is about to be cut off due to Suspicious Activity Being Detected From Your IP Address, because that's really the appropriate level of uselessness to ascribe to it.
posted by flabdablet at 11:51 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
It's okay that you feel this way. It's okay that your ex's abusive behavior has hacked your brain and left you holding the shame and brokenness that belongs to her.
There are probably moments when you can see with clear rationality that the way you feel makes no sense, and you probably want to force yourself to stop feeling such silly things. But honestly, the way you feel is not silly. It's the natural result of the abusive experience you've been through.
This is not how you will feel forever. This is not who you permanently are now. You may never forget the pain she has caused you but you WILL heal, grow stronger, love yourself, and leave the borrowed shame behind. It takes time and help, it's not instantaneous, but it will happen.
Trust in that. Let yourself be. The only 'wrong' way to feel the various, searing, often nonsensical pains in the aftermath of abuse... is if you beat yourself up over having these feelings. You are whole, you are normal, and you will get through this.
posted by MiraK at 12:17 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
There are probably moments when you can see with clear rationality that the way you feel makes no sense, and you probably want to force yourself to stop feeling such silly things. But honestly, the way you feel is not silly. It's the natural result of the abusive experience you've been through.
This is not how you will feel forever. This is not who you permanently are now. You may never forget the pain she has caused you but you WILL heal, grow stronger, love yourself, and leave the borrowed shame behind. It takes time and help, it's not instantaneous, but it will happen.
Trust in that. Let yourself be. The only 'wrong' way to feel the various, searing, often nonsensical pains in the aftermath of abuse... is if you beat yourself up over having these feelings. You are whole, you are normal, and you will get through this.
posted by MiraK at 12:17 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
You are not disgusting, homosexuals are not disgusting and this is a terrible message to have rattling around in your brain. Please let this go. Please let all negative feelings about yourself go. You are lovely and worth love, no matter your sexual orientation. I wish you healing and ultimately, peace to enjoy life. YOU MATTER.
posted by Lynsey at 12:19 PM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Lynsey at 12:19 PM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
Can I recommend that you watch the series “gentleman jack” it was soooooo good and features a woman who was way before her time, bold and assertive and dealt with the shaming from a lesbian partner that you describe. The way she articulated her feelings were so inspirational. It might make you feel better as you’re still in the relationship grieving stage.
posted by catspajammies at 12:34 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 12:34 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think you have a lot to gain from trying to explore different kinds of therapy, because some of these sentiments (grief, complicated relationship dynamics, internalized homophobia, trauma bonds) are startlingly common (e.g. you are not alone, by a long shot) and can be addressed through evidence-based counseling approaches.
For a bit of personal support, I found out my (soon to be ex) husband of more than a decade had had a double life for most of our relationship (I'm also a man). It was only after I learned about this double life that the persona he shared with me came undone and I glimpsed the parts underneath for the first time. It was not a good experience. It was startling. Alarming. And, nevertheless, I had many of the complicated feelings that you discuss. I try to be as compassionate toward my ex as possible since I'm well aware that he had a difficult childhood with a narcissistic mother and an enabling father. I'm grateful that I got to raise three kids with him, even though I cringe at the thought that his complex upbringing left him with some sort of pathology running under the hood that lay hidden from me and everyone else, including (perhaps) from him. And yet, it took a therapist to really help me understand that there are certain things under my control and those things are where my energy should go while I'm trying to rebuild my sense of self after a catastrophic blow to my understand of the world as it is. I'm still a little topsy turvy--sometimes I'm very topsy turvy--but the progress is there. I talk a lot on here these days about ACT and the benefit I've experienced from it in the last year. I've been seriously considering Cognitive Processing Therapy. But, in every way, talking to two therapists who I really like (and ultimately settling on one of them to work with longer-term) has been a gateway to understanding how I can "drop the rope" that is these warring tug-of-war thoughts about myself and get back to living without having to resolve the war first.
You've been through the wringer. I hope you can be kind to and patient with yourself. People are complicated machines, and the manual is different for everyone, but you can get through this. Be well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:24 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
For a bit of personal support, I found out my (soon to be ex) husband of more than a decade had had a double life for most of our relationship (I'm also a man). It was only after I learned about this double life that the persona he shared with me came undone and I glimpsed the parts underneath for the first time. It was not a good experience. It was startling. Alarming. And, nevertheless, I had many of the complicated feelings that you discuss. I try to be as compassionate toward my ex as possible since I'm well aware that he had a difficult childhood with a narcissistic mother and an enabling father. I'm grateful that I got to raise three kids with him, even though I cringe at the thought that his complex upbringing left him with some sort of pathology running under the hood that lay hidden from me and everyone else, including (perhaps) from him. And yet, it took a therapist to really help me understand that there are certain things under my control and those things are where my energy should go while I'm trying to rebuild my sense of self after a catastrophic blow to my understand of the world as it is. I'm still a little topsy turvy--sometimes I'm very topsy turvy--but the progress is there. I talk a lot on here these days about ACT and the benefit I've experienced from it in the last year. I've been seriously considering Cognitive Processing Therapy. But, in every way, talking to two therapists who I really like (and ultimately settling on one of them to work with longer-term) has been a gateway to understanding how I can "drop the rope" that is these warring tug-of-war thoughts about myself and get back to living without having to resolve the war first.
You've been through the wringer. I hope you can be kind to and patient with yourself. People are complicated machines, and the manual is different for everyone, but you can get through this. Be well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:24 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
After years of the exact no-PDA, have-to-leave parties-separately horseshit you describe, which I endured because I wanted to stay with my then partner, who was, as was blazingly obvious, ashamed of me, I would've given anything* to hear "You have to understand that I have always been ashamed of you and that I will always be ashamed of you." Instead, when finally I lost all inhibition and said it myself: "You are ashamed of me!" I got back a mealymouthed, muttered "I'm ashamed of myself." Whereupon it dragged on another who knows how many more painful months. Mine was a piece-of-shit closeted monster. Yours was willing to say it out loud, which is sortof astonishing. It's no less cruel if they don't say it. It's just easier on them.
*Okay, to be honest, not at the time. At the time, I'd've given anything NOT to have heard that, and I'd've reacted to hearing that exactly as you're reacting. But in hindsight it would've been fantastic because it would've ended the bullshit then and there and spared me months and months of suffering.
It's hard to control your thinking right now, so this might not be immediately achievable, but here are two things to stop, as soon as you can:
one, stop thinking about how sad it is for her. She brought it all on herself by being an outrageous monster, and anyway, she is officially not your problem anymore.
two, stop blaming yourself for having fallen for a monster. IDK why, but monsters are almost always highly fuckable, so your having dallied with one is completely, completely, completely sympathetic.
Give it time. (A lot of time.) Eventually, when you run across something they gave you or, like, a cocktail napkin from the bar where you first traded glances, instead of clutching it to your bosom and weeping, you'll throw it gleefully into the trash, or you'll allow it to molder a while out on the catio next to the litterbox and THEN throw it in the trash, ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You will feel fantastic. Meanwhile, THEY will be lonely all their god damn lives because however fuckable they are, monsters are not capable of being happy and are destined for a life of pain. (Or, you know, yours sounds young: it's possible she could figure her shit out, in which case, huzzah, one less monster in the world, but whatever: not your circus, not your monkeys, not worth the energy to speculate.)
Anyway, my overall point is this: you're in agony right now. Don't listen too much to any of your "self talk" because it's all going to be agonized howling because you just got stabbed in the heart for no good reason. Any time you can get a word in edgewise past all the pain and self-recrimination, say a kind thing to yourself. It doesn't make you a weak person that losing her hurts so much when she is terrible and bad for you. Great pain and sorrow upon the loss of the terrible beloved is universal and human and very lovable. Try to see yourself as everyone in this thread sees you. Please be gentle and kind to you.
Completely sympathetic, handling this the way everyone does, and going to be okay, maybe not right away but soon: that is you.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:10 PM on November 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
*Okay, to be honest, not at the time. At the time, I'd've given anything NOT to have heard that, and I'd've reacted to hearing that exactly as you're reacting. But in hindsight it would've been fantastic because it would've ended the bullshit then and there and spared me months and months of suffering.
It's hard to control your thinking right now, so this might not be immediately achievable, but here are two things to stop, as soon as you can:
one, stop thinking about how sad it is for her. She brought it all on herself by being an outrageous monster, and anyway, she is officially not your problem anymore.
two, stop blaming yourself for having fallen for a monster. IDK why, but monsters are almost always highly fuckable, so your having dallied with one is completely, completely, completely sympathetic.
Give it time. (A lot of time.) Eventually, when you run across something they gave you or, like, a cocktail napkin from the bar where you first traded glances, instead of clutching it to your bosom and weeping, you'll throw it gleefully into the trash, or you'll allow it to molder a while out on the catio next to the litterbox and THEN throw it in the trash, ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You will feel fantastic. Meanwhile, THEY will be lonely all their god damn lives because however fuckable they are, monsters are not capable of being happy and are destined for a life of pain. (Or, you know, yours sounds young: it's possible she could figure her shit out, in which case, huzzah, one less monster in the world, but whatever: not your circus, not your monkeys, not worth the energy to speculate.)
Anyway, my overall point is this: you're in agony right now. Don't listen too much to any of your "self talk" because it's all going to be agonized howling because you just got stabbed in the heart for no good reason. Any time you can get a word in edgewise past all the pain and self-recrimination, say a kind thing to yourself. It doesn't make you a weak person that losing her hurts so much when she is terrible and bad for you. Great pain and sorrow upon the loss of the terrible beloved is universal and human and very lovable. Try to see yourself as everyone in this thread sees you. Please be gentle and kind to you.
Completely sympathetic, handling this the way everyone does, and going to be okay, maybe not right away but soon: that is you.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:10 PM on November 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
I think that what you need most is to be around queer folks who get you
I'm sure that's good advice. But I just want to add that I'm 100 percent hetereo female and I'm a hundred percent on your team, too. I'm outraged by the way you were treated. You deserve SO much better. Please believe me.
posted by Transl3y at 2:37 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm sure that's good advice. But I just want to add that I'm 100 percent hetereo female and I'm a hundred percent on your team, too. I'm outraged by the way you were treated. You deserve SO much better. Please believe me.
posted by Transl3y at 2:37 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Is there a part of you that's feeling sad and angry and ashamed for being in that relationship for so long? I think you should be kind to yourself and really forgive yourself for extending the compassion that you did to her, and really practice accepting to yourself that you were in that relationship for reasons, and it doesn't mean anything about your worth that you stayed with someone who didn't value you for longer than maybe you should have. I say practice accepting, because I know that's not a feeling that you can just summon right away and believe it! But if you keep repeating it, I think eventually you'll find some peace with yourself. You're ok and did nothing wrong and are worthy of love and acceptance.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 3:27 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by jeweled accumulation at 3:27 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Your writing and the feelings you're expressing make it clear you're a person deserving of love and care and attention.
It's OK if optimism needs some time to return after something this upsetting happens.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:51 PM on November 15, 2019
It's OK if optimism needs some time to return after something this upsetting happens.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:51 PM on November 15, 2019
That is intensely abusive and I'm so sorry she treated you like that. The fact that you tried to be there and encouraging to someone who you thought could change is nothing to be ashamed of, either- it shows how empathetic you are and how much love you have to give.
She's so fucking wrong - being queer is awesome. I have so much respect and admiration for anyone who looks past any of the dominant narratives in our society and rewrites them. Influential queer theorist José Esteban Muñoz explained in the book Feeling Utopia, “queerness exists for us as an ideality that can be distilled from the past and used to imagine a future. The future is queerness’s domain.” How cool is that??
You deserve for your love to be received as a gift and held tenderly. You sound SO LOVELY and you deserve to be loved by a person who's proud of you, proud to be queer (or however you self-identify) with you, proud to make a family and a life with you. Those people are out there, and I promise you can find them!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:13 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
She's so fucking wrong - being queer is awesome. I have so much respect and admiration for anyone who looks past any of the dominant narratives in our society and rewrites them. Influential queer theorist José Esteban Muñoz explained in the book Feeling Utopia, “queerness exists for us as an ideality that can be distilled from the past and used to imagine a future. The future is queerness’s domain.” How cool is that??
You deserve for your love to be received as a gift and held tenderly. You sound SO LOVELY and you deserve to be loved by a person who's proud of you, proud to be queer (or however you self-identify) with you, proud to make a family and a life with you. Those people are out there, and I promise you can find them!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:13 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
I'm going to suggest that you do a bit of a paradigm shift about your participation in the relationship and try to re-frame your participation in her not-good behaviour as something you consented to because it suited your needs at the time, but as something to which you no longer consent.
Imagine, if you will, that you were eager to get a masters in stage costume, and the only school that provided that master's program was in Minnesota. You had job prospects for the long term lined up, three different theatre programs in upstate Vermont all wanted you to be their head of costume department and it all made very good sense and met your needs to move to Minnesota and take two years in the program.
However you're not a Minnesota weather type of person, your actual favoured sort of day wear is shorts, flip flops and a tank. For awhile Minnesota was quite viable because you could shrug in and out of your parka, and you got so much costuming immersion. Oh, your thesis adviser was on the ditzy side - he always talked about how much help he could be but actually didn't follow through. And you ended up with carpal tunnel syndrome from all the sewing machine work. So there were many blissful days of sketching and pinning and many mildly frustrating days of sitting in lectures about placket turning and waiting for a thesis adviser who had flaked, and quite a few horrible ghastly moments of going out in the morning and feeling your hair freeze solid and trying to hack your way into the car, when part of you was shrinking smaller and smaller inside your parka, feeling like the warmth you crave was a joke. Which made you worried about upstate Vermont. Upstate Vermont is not as cold as Minnesota. But it is still cold... And then, just as you were graduating, you got those coveted letters after your name, the main playhouse venue in Burlington burned down, and the Performing Arts Foundation stopped issuing grants and those three sure thing job prospects on Vermont disappeared. Very likely you won't be able to get a job in costume after all. It's gone. Those two years. That investment in tuition. Gone.
So you are staggering out of the experience wondering how you can move on?
You do so by taking ownership of the investment that failed. It was what you wanted at the time. Not ideal, but the clearest, and an apparently viable path to something you wanted. You put up with all that cold, got carpal tunnel syndrome, ended up with a sickening amount of student loan debt - how do you move on from that?
Because it was the best option you had at the time and it looked like a good shot at being a long term plan. You consented to your partner's shame because consenting made the whole thing work, the way the cold in Minnesota was a required to make it work. But you did not consent to always stay in Minnesota. You planned to put up with that kind of cold and unloving type of relationship, you consented to further -30* early morning misery - up until a certain point when you stopped consenting.
Nope. Your partner presented you with the requirement to accept something on your non-negotiable list and you walked. I am not going to live in Minnesota. You chose to participate in her shame, and now you are choosing to not participate in it.
We often have to choose to go through things that are sub-optimal, and we often take damage from them, and walk out of those things emotionally and mentally bruised. We take courses and fail at them and our ego feels like it has been stomped. We have to go through surgery and we end up forever after with an awareness of how fragile our bodies are and how short our lives on earth are, the anxiety that stays with us now always, the terror of mortality. We have a relationship and like the story of the frog in the boiling water, it gets worse and worse and less bearable until one day we realise we are in boiling water and should have gotten out... In the story of the frog in the boiling water the frog turns into frog soup. It's apocryphal. Inquisitive people have tried it and the frog in real life jumps out of the kettle, just as you have jumped out of the relationship. And the funny thing is the frog in the boiling water story is actually an in-accurate retelling of the story of the Aesop's fable about the frog that fell into the milk can.
The frog in the milk can kicked and kicked and kicked to swim and stay afloat, and when the dairy woman came back and found it, it wasn't boiled to death or drowned, it was sitting on a clump of butter that it had churned out of the milk.
You may find it helps to keep repeating to yourself, - that's what I had to go along with to have a relationship with her. Now I do not choose to accept that. That shame - that's part of being involved with that person. That person is in my past. She is no longer my wife, my lover, my life partner. She's the City of Minnesota. That cold, that shame is not part of me. I lived in that shame for awhile for functional reasons - but I can take my costuming degree down to Louisiana or to Florida and I don't have to - in fact, I probably can't take that cold with me. It wass a nightmare of winter that I was in, and am leaving.
If you label your shame with the name of your ex-partner, then the further you get from your ex-partner as you adjust to it being a non-long term relationship the more you can get the shame out of your head. Oh, I went out with that silly girl when I was working on early adulthood - but that's in the past. I went along with it then. I don't go along with it now. Sometimes you will start to shrug into your parka, but you will remember that you don't need to put on the parka to go outside once you are living in Louisiana. That was then. No self abasement now. She's gone. No need to participate now. "I used to be ashamed of myself" is the powerful phrase to keep repeating. It reminds you that you don't have to carry the burden of shame now, and that the natural thing to do is to drop it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:53 AM on November 16, 2019 [10 favorites]
Imagine, if you will, that you were eager to get a masters in stage costume, and the only school that provided that master's program was in Minnesota. You had job prospects for the long term lined up, three different theatre programs in upstate Vermont all wanted you to be their head of costume department and it all made very good sense and met your needs to move to Minnesota and take two years in the program.
However you're not a Minnesota weather type of person, your actual favoured sort of day wear is shorts, flip flops and a tank. For awhile Minnesota was quite viable because you could shrug in and out of your parka, and you got so much costuming immersion. Oh, your thesis adviser was on the ditzy side - he always talked about how much help he could be but actually didn't follow through. And you ended up with carpal tunnel syndrome from all the sewing machine work. So there were many blissful days of sketching and pinning and many mildly frustrating days of sitting in lectures about placket turning and waiting for a thesis adviser who had flaked, and quite a few horrible ghastly moments of going out in the morning and feeling your hair freeze solid and trying to hack your way into the car, when part of you was shrinking smaller and smaller inside your parka, feeling like the warmth you crave was a joke. Which made you worried about upstate Vermont. Upstate Vermont is not as cold as Minnesota. But it is still cold... And then, just as you were graduating, you got those coveted letters after your name, the main playhouse venue in Burlington burned down, and the Performing Arts Foundation stopped issuing grants and those three sure thing job prospects on Vermont disappeared. Very likely you won't be able to get a job in costume after all. It's gone. Those two years. That investment in tuition. Gone.
So you are staggering out of the experience wondering how you can move on?
You do so by taking ownership of the investment that failed. It was what you wanted at the time. Not ideal, but the clearest, and an apparently viable path to something you wanted. You put up with all that cold, got carpal tunnel syndrome, ended up with a sickening amount of student loan debt - how do you move on from that?
Because it was the best option you had at the time and it looked like a good shot at being a long term plan. You consented to your partner's shame because consenting made the whole thing work, the way the cold in Minnesota was a required to make it work. But you did not consent to always stay in Minnesota. You planned to put up with that kind of cold and unloving type of relationship, you consented to further -30* early morning misery - up until a certain point when you stopped consenting.
Nope. Your partner presented you with the requirement to accept something on your non-negotiable list and you walked. I am not going to live in Minnesota. You chose to participate in her shame, and now you are choosing to not participate in it.
We often have to choose to go through things that are sub-optimal, and we often take damage from them, and walk out of those things emotionally and mentally bruised. We take courses and fail at them and our ego feels like it has been stomped. We have to go through surgery and we end up forever after with an awareness of how fragile our bodies are and how short our lives on earth are, the anxiety that stays with us now always, the terror of mortality. We have a relationship and like the story of the frog in the boiling water, it gets worse and worse and less bearable until one day we realise we are in boiling water and should have gotten out... In the story of the frog in the boiling water the frog turns into frog soup. It's apocryphal. Inquisitive people have tried it and the frog in real life jumps out of the kettle, just as you have jumped out of the relationship. And the funny thing is the frog in the boiling water story is actually an in-accurate retelling of the story of the Aesop's fable about the frog that fell into the milk can.
The frog in the milk can kicked and kicked and kicked to swim and stay afloat, and when the dairy woman came back and found it, it wasn't boiled to death or drowned, it was sitting on a clump of butter that it had churned out of the milk.
You may find it helps to keep repeating to yourself, - that's what I had to go along with to have a relationship with her. Now I do not choose to accept that. That shame - that's part of being involved with that person. That person is in my past. She is no longer my wife, my lover, my life partner. She's the City of Minnesota. That cold, that shame is not part of me. I lived in that shame for awhile for functional reasons - but I can take my costuming degree down to Louisiana or to Florida and I don't have to - in fact, I probably can't take that cold with me. It wass a nightmare of winter that I was in, and am leaving.
If you label your shame with the name of your ex-partner, then the further you get from your ex-partner as you adjust to it being a non-long term relationship the more you can get the shame out of your head. Oh, I went out with that silly girl when I was working on early adulthood - but that's in the past. I went along with it then. I don't go along with it now. Sometimes you will start to shrug into your parka, but you will remember that you don't need to put on the parka to go outside once you are living in Louisiana. That was then. No self abasement now. She's gone. No need to participate now. "I used to be ashamed of myself" is the powerful phrase to keep repeating. It reminds you that you don't have to carry the burden of shame now, and that the natural thing to do is to drop it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:53 AM on November 16, 2019 [10 favorites]
This straight lady gasped with horror reading your post. Oh my god, that's inexcusable. Your ex is in a terrible place and I'm so sorry they dragged you there too, but it was never your doing.
I won't presume to tell you how to deal with internalized homophobia but I do know that letting go of baggage from shitty exes takes time. You deserve love and not just acceptance but pride from a partner.
posted by emjaybee at 9:56 AM on November 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
I won't presume to tell you how to deal with internalized homophobia but I do know that letting go of baggage from shitty exes takes time. You deserve love and not just acceptance but pride from a partner.
posted by emjaybee at 9:56 AM on November 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
Sounds to me like there are a few intertwined issues you're facing -
1. the aftermath of horrific emotional abuse, i.e. the things she did to you
2. the self-blaming you're doing because you chose to stick around and be treated that way (for a while)
I'm guessing your healing will come from taking #2 by the horns.
You put up with her abuse because you loved her, and because you believed in her. You thought she had the integrity to overcome her upbringing. Because you yourself are a loving, strong person who has overcome the defects in your upbringing. You thought she was like you. There is no shame in this, in loving and being patient with your partner.
But she was not like you. And when enough time had passed that you realized you couldn't help her, you bolted. That took courage! And clear sight! Someone else might have swallowed down her terrible behavior and words and stayed. But not you. You want a happy life with a nice wife who loves you and is proud of you, and you left this lady so you can get it, even though it was hard and even though you'd been beaten down by her (appalling) emotional abuse of you. You did the brave and right thing.
But it takes time to heal from shit like what she did to you. It takes time to get over ANY relationship, even when it was not abusive!
If any of that rings true, please know those feelings of shame are really common. You're experiencing an additional aspect of queer shame, but the typical emotional aftermath of emotional abuse generally includes shame no matter what the type of pairing it was. Maybe if you can reframe that shame as part of the healing process, of recognizing the awfulness of what she did to you, then you can also start to acknowledge your courage and integrity in getting out of that relationship, and be able to put it behind you, like a moldy apartment you once lived in before you realized you could afford a better place.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:16 AM on November 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
1. the aftermath of horrific emotional abuse, i.e. the things she did to you
2. the self-blaming you're doing because you chose to stick around and be treated that way (for a while)
I'm guessing your healing will come from taking #2 by the horns.
You put up with her abuse because you loved her, and because you believed in her. You thought she had the integrity to overcome her upbringing. Because you yourself are a loving, strong person who has overcome the defects in your upbringing. You thought she was like you. There is no shame in this, in loving and being patient with your partner.
But she was not like you. And when enough time had passed that you realized you couldn't help her, you bolted. That took courage! And clear sight! Someone else might have swallowed down her terrible behavior and words and stayed. But not you. You want a happy life with a nice wife who loves you and is proud of you, and you left this lady so you can get it, even though it was hard and even though you'd been beaten down by her (appalling) emotional abuse of you. You did the brave and right thing.
But it takes time to heal from shit like what she did to you. It takes time to get over ANY relationship, even when it was not abusive!
If any of that rings true, please know those feelings of shame are really common. You're experiencing an additional aspect of queer shame, but the typical emotional aftermath of emotional abuse generally includes shame no matter what the type of pairing it was. Maybe if you can reframe that shame as part of the healing process, of recognizing the awfulness of what she did to you, then you can also start to acknowledge your courage and integrity in getting out of that relationship, and be able to put it behind you, like a moldy apartment you once lived in before you realized you could afford a better place.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:16 AM on November 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
Hurt people....hurt people.
While the above is true, it's not your fault. Listen to the dozens of people who have good advice above, all centered around your worth as a human being. Wishing you love and strength.
posted by lalochezia at 10:19 AM on November 16, 2019
While the above is true, it's not your fault. Listen to the dozens of people who have good advice above, all centered around your worth as a human being. Wishing you love and strength.
posted by lalochezia at 10:19 AM on November 16, 2019
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Give yourself permission to feel horrible - most of us humans would, in your shoes! Keep working with your therapist, close friends, and spend what time you can doing things that make you feel more whole. Time plus hard work, forming new habits, spending time with healthier people, will get you moving in that direction.
And remember that how you *feel* now - a reasonable response to abusive behavior - is not a reflection of who you are, or who you are going to be.
posted by RajahKing at 8:23 AM on November 15, 2019 [22 favorites]