Can women become impotent
October 30, 2019 7:56 AM Subscribe
Can a woman be classified as "impotent" or is there a different adjective for this?
I am 48, a recently unengaged and childless single woman. I'm quite old numerically for dating opportunities lately even though I still get asked out a lot. I've had an overt type of sex appeal and I am not quite shy but I dont try pursuing simply meaningless sex. I've generally found my romances start out as mutual but end up one sided emotionally so sex will start with the relationship and inevitably ends up losing me my committed relationships. If I stay friends with them though I will stay friends with benefits for years. I have had girlfriends as well as boyfriends and no preference romantically or sexually except maybe in conversational affect only. (Women by a long shot). I have never been very vocal about my own sexual needs to who I found attractive. In never learning my body I have lost many orgasms to my head trips over "I wonder if he/she will call now again," type mumbo jumbo.
Nowadays I have way more sexual desire than I know what to do with only once I'm in practice or solo I can not make even a small swing towards the pitch if you know what I mean. I can feel it in my entire body until the time its needed then *poof*. Is this a symptom of too many spoons in the stew or the age of the pot? *full disclosure I've rarely made that goal but it seems more likely my lack of effort all these years rather than their lack of skill.
I am 48, a recently unengaged and childless single woman. I'm quite old numerically for dating opportunities lately even though I still get asked out a lot. I've had an overt type of sex appeal and I am not quite shy but I dont try pursuing simply meaningless sex. I've generally found my romances start out as mutual but end up one sided emotionally so sex will start with the relationship and inevitably ends up losing me my committed relationships. If I stay friends with them though I will stay friends with benefits for years. I have had girlfriends as well as boyfriends and no preference romantically or sexually except maybe in conversational affect only. (Women by a long shot). I have never been very vocal about my own sexual needs to who I found attractive. In never learning my body I have lost many orgasms to my head trips over "I wonder if he/she will call now again," type mumbo jumbo.
Nowadays I have way more sexual desire than I know what to do with only once I'm in practice or solo I can not make even a small swing towards the pitch if you know what I mean. I can feel it in my entire body until the time its needed then *poof*. Is this a symptom of too many spoons in the stew or the age of the pot? *full disclosure I've rarely made that goal but it seems more likely my lack of effort all these years rather than their lack of skill.
The best metric for whether or not something is a problem is if it causes you dissatisfaction. If this is something you want to change, that’s enough. I might recommend therapy to work through some of the relationship dynamics that keep you from feeling fully comfortable with a partner, but you also might want to pursue medical options. Replacement-level doses of testosterone for women (as low as 0.5mg/day, not enough to result in any of the masculinization we normally associate with testosterone) have been used off-label to treat any number of conditions in women, but most frequently to treat issues of sexual dissatisfaction, including I believe anorgasmia. (It can also treat fibromyalgia pain and a bunch of other stuff! Hormones are super fascinating, but people are generally really weird about gender and hormones, so you don’t see it talked about much, and there sometimes isn’t even much awareness amongst doctors.)
Testosterone production in women starts to decline in ones thirties and keeps declining, but this doesn’t get as much attention as other hormonal changes. And given your age you might be perimenopausal, so there might be a bunch of things happening. It’s probably worth it to consult with a doctor, but I would do some research to make sure it’s a doctor who’s good about middle aged women. That might be harder to find than you think, but it’s worth it.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:30 AM on October 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
Testosterone production in women starts to decline in ones thirties and keeps declining, but this doesn’t get as much attention as other hormonal changes. And given your age you might be perimenopausal, so there might be a bunch of things happening. It’s probably worth it to consult with a doctor, but I would do some research to make sure it’s a doctor who’s good about middle aged women. That might be harder to find than you think, but it’s worth it.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:30 AM on October 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
It's called anorasmia and it can be a part of menopause for many women. Additionally, if you're taking any drugs including birth control or anti-depressants, that can cause it too.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:00 AM on October 30, 2019
posted by DarlingBri at 9:00 AM on October 30, 2019
I'm a little bit confused about what you're describing. Are you saying that your problem is:
* That you desire sex and initiate sex, but are not able to have an orgasm (or that your orgasms are puny), or
* That you desire sex with less frequency and intensity than you once used to?
Both of those scenarios could indeed be menopausal. But they're different situations, so I'd like to clarify what you're describing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:05 AM on October 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
* That you desire sex and initiate sex, but are not able to have an orgasm (or that your orgasms are puny), or
* That you desire sex with less frequency and intensity than you once used to?
Both of those scenarios could indeed be menopausal. But they're different situations, so I'd like to clarify what you're describing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:05 AM on October 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
FWIW, not being interested in sex with someone you've lost emotional interest in is incredibly common.
It's a shitty situation for sure. But what's "losing" you your committed relationships isn't any kind of sexual problem on your part — it's falling out of love with your partners, which is something both people play a role in.
It's totally valid to want to fix anorgasmia or low libido. But don't feel like you need to fix a lack of interest in meaningless sex.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:38 AM on October 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
It's a shitty situation for sure. But what's "losing" you your committed relationships isn't any kind of sexual problem on your part — it's falling out of love with your partners, which is something both people play a role in.
It's totally valid to want to fix anorgasmia or low libido. But don't feel like you need to fix a lack of interest in meaningless sex.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:38 AM on October 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
I strongly recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nogaski. It provides a really good description of women's sexuality including a wide range of normal variations and a discussion of common problems. I learned a lot and I think you would find it helpful.
posted by metahawk at 10:53 AM on October 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 10:53 AM on October 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
Came to recommend Come As You Are and metahawk beat me to it. Totally worth reading.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:23 PM on October 30, 2019
posted by Bella Donna at 1:23 PM on October 30, 2019
I would also suggest it might be related to shifting hormones of perimenopause. Desire and bodies and lubrication and mechanics change a lot during this period. You might want to discuss with a trusted NP or OB/GYN to see if they have any suggestions.
posted by stillmoving at 2:32 PM on October 30, 2019
posted by stillmoving at 2:32 PM on October 30, 2019
It sounds like you are used to not getting your emotional needs met in your relationships, and now it's affecting your libido to the point that you lose your desire even when you're masturbating?
Working on being more vocal/assertive about what you need in relationships and in bed. This could involve some low-stakes, not-climax-oriented time by yourself exploring what you enjoy and what you might want to ask for in partnered sex. And also some time thinking/journaling about what you need in relationships so you can evaluate whether you're getting it and either ask for it and/or decide to move on. It is okay to not have sex with people until you trust that they'll call you later, and it is also fine to set the bar quite a bit higher than that if you want to.
Also: you are the age you are, don't get hung up on it. Working on speaking up about your needs will help even if hormonal changes are affecting things (and getting that checked out / treated is a good idea, too, but it sounds like this is part of a pattern that's been going on for a long time).
posted by momus_window at 2:52 PM on October 30, 2019
Working on being more vocal/assertive about what you need in relationships and in bed. This could involve some low-stakes, not-climax-oriented time by yourself exploring what you enjoy and what you might want to ask for in partnered sex. And also some time thinking/journaling about what you need in relationships so you can evaluate whether you're getting it and either ask for it and/or decide to move on. It is okay to not have sex with people until you trust that they'll call you later, and it is also fine to set the bar quite a bit higher than that if you want to.
Also: you are the age you are, don't get hung up on it. Working on speaking up about your needs will help even if hormonal changes are affecting things (and getting that checked out / treated is a good idea, too, but it sounds like this is part of a pattern that's been going on for a long time).
posted by momus_window at 2:52 PM on October 30, 2019
Best answer: I'm quite old numerically for dating opportunities
I'm just a year or two younger than you, a single woman, and I disagree with this assessment completely. I know plenty of women our age and much older who are actively and enthusiastically dating and pursuing new and on-going relationships. I don't think you're too old to learn to be more satisfied sexually alone or with a partner. I've also found that men (I can't speak to women as partners) are much more likely to be focused on a woman's orgasm now than when I was younger and we all seem to be better about talking about these things with our partners these days. It can feel risky but it really does build intimacy.
There was a lot of garbage we were socialized with as girls and young women, about sex, about asserting our wants and needs, about asking for the kind of relationship we wanted, about settling. I've truly enjoyed unlearning a lot of that in my 40s.
I wonder if your recent break up is messing with your head more than you realize. The desire you are experiencing right now is a beautiful gift, and you are allowed to pursue sexual adventure, whether with those friends with benefits, hook ups (if that's an interest), or only in the context of a longer term, committed relationships. There's so much still to learn about ourselves and explore with a partner.
I echo the recommendation for Come As You Are. I also want to nudge you away from the self-blame. This isn't someone's fault (theirs or yours) but rather an opportunity to learn yourself and to learn to communicate with your partner. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:23 PM on October 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm just a year or two younger than you, a single woman, and I disagree with this assessment completely. I know plenty of women our age and much older who are actively and enthusiastically dating and pursuing new and on-going relationships. I don't think you're too old to learn to be more satisfied sexually alone or with a partner. I've also found that men (I can't speak to women as partners) are much more likely to be focused on a woman's orgasm now than when I was younger and we all seem to be better about talking about these things with our partners these days. It can feel risky but it really does build intimacy.
There was a lot of garbage we were socialized with as girls and young women, about sex, about asserting our wants and needs, about asking for the kind of relationship we wanted, about settling. I've truly enjoyed unlearning a lot of that in my 40s.
I wonder if your recent break up is messing with your head more than you realize. The desire you are experiencing right now is a beautiful gift, and you are allowed to pursue sexual adventure, whether with those friends with benefits, hook ups (if that's an interest), or only in the context of a longer term, committed relationships. There's so much still to learn about ourselves and explore with a partner.
I echo the recommendation for Come As You Are. I also want to nudge you away from the self-blame. This isn't someone's fault (theirs or yours) but rather an opportunity to learn yourself and to learn to communicate with your partner. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:23 PM on October 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: <>>I'm a little bit confused about what you're describing. Are you saying that your problem is:
* That you desire sex and initiate sex, but are not able to have an orgasm (or that your orgasms are puny), or
* That you desire sex with less frequency and intensity than you once used to?
Both of those scenarios could indeed be menopausal. But they're different situations, so I'd like to clarify what you're describing.
I think I'm saying my body has the ability to feel excited but for some reason I cant get to orgasm... whether in sex or alone 9 times out of 10. I thought the feeling was just overwhelming until the point I thought I'd get there then it just vanishes. It's very uncomfortable and kinda humiliating. I dont take any meds now except for Botox for migraines although in the past I have taken anti anxiety and anti depressants but not for years. I do like sex I'm just not easily able to switch from mental spaces to find that calm I'm supposed to be in. It's been this way almost forever. Except for the occasional and apropos of nothing dream orgasm. I still get regular menstrual cycles and no pre-menopause signifiers ever occur. I just wanna know is this a body thing or head thing?
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 6:34 PM on October 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
* That you desire sex and initiate sex, but are not able to have an orgasm (or that your orgasms are puny), or
* That you desire sex with less frequency and intensity than you once used to?
Both of those scenarios could indeed be menopausal. But they're different situations, so I'd like to clarify what you're describing.
I think I'm saying my body has the ability to feel excited but for some reason I cant get to orgasm... whether in sex or alone 9 times out of 10. I thought the feeling was just overwhelming until the point I thought I'd get there then it just vanishes. It's very uncomfortable and kinda humiliating. I dont take any meds now except for Botox for migraines although in the past I have taken anti anxiety and anti depressants but not for years. I do like sex I'm just not easily able to switch from mental spaces to find that calm I'm supposed to be in. It's been this way almost forever. Except for the occasional and apropos of nothing dream orgasm. I still get regular menstrual cycles and no pre-menopause signifiers ever occur. I just wanna know is this a body thing or head thing?
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 6:34 PM on October 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm a similar age and have a similar problem with increased arousal but far more difficulty having an orgasm than I used to have, though I am married. The improvement to partnered sex with more arousal has been amazing, but the frustration is miserable! I posted a question myself recently and the replies have a number of sex toy suggestions that people think could help.
I haven't tried the suggested gadgets yet. I'm not on any kind of medication except contraception and never have been, just to add more data. I too would like to know if this is physical or mental - it's stirred up a lot of old feelings about sex that I had been ignoring for decades.
posted by justapuppet1999 at 2:22 AM on October 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
I haven't tried the suggested gadgets yet. I'm not on any kind of medication except contraception and never have been, just to add more data. I too would like to know if this is physical or mental - it's stirred up a lot of old feelings about sex that I had been ignoring for decades.
posted by justapuppet1999 at 2:22 AM on October 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Secret Sparrow at 8:07 AM on October 30, 2019